- ah, come on. sending this home to mother, ya know. - if binghamton finds out we sneaked out to a luau, she'll see our pictures at the post office. - hey, chuck, snap it up. we've got to be getting back. - ok, skip. ok, now, everybody watch the birdy and say cheese. oh, and nobody blink. this flash powder's pretty potent stuff. - hey, skip, there's a zero coming in at 3:00. - it's hit-and-run harry. come on, take cover. let's go, come on. let's go. - [screaming] - i guess i used tomuch powder. - hey, chuck, run for it. - what?

- ah, you know, those poor natives on meranga. - yeah, their village sure was flattened. - i hated to leave them in such bad shape. - yeah, well, don't worry, you guys. we're going to go back there real pronto. - what do you mean? - how are we going to do that? - just as soon as we can lay our hands on all the building

and help rebuild their village. it's the least we can do. - i like that. - hey, skip, i just received a signal from main side. hit-and-run harry went on and clobbered taratupa. knocked a 25-bolt out, right off our alley. - young louie's boat? - yes, sir. - oh, what a tough break. - that no good fink. - that nipper's getting to be more of a menace than binghamton. - sunday to submarine tenders. yesterday ammunition's dumped. today pt 25. - captain binghamton, comfleet! comfleet on the phone, sir. admiral roger's calling. - thank you. - you're welcome. - captain binghamton here. yes, i'll wait. oh, take that stupid thing off, you blockhead. - whoo. - you are a blockhead, aren't you? oh, i--no, not you, admiral.

to the head. - stop that infernal cackling. tell me, binghamton, is it true that hit-and-run harry got away again? - yes, sir, he's a very sneaky bandit, admiral. he sneaks in under our radar, and he's gone before we can strike back. - ah, well, we've got to do something about him. i'm coming down to taratupa tomorrow to work out some counter-measures. meanwhile, what about pt 25? - it was a direct hit, admiral. the boat is inoperable. - all right, transfer the crew of the pt 25 up here right away for reassignment. - yes, sir. thank you, sir. good-bye. of all the foul luck. i could've hit the 73 boat, then mchale and his bunch would've been transferred. wait a minute, the 25 was hit right off of mchale's island, wasn't it? - yes, sir. - carpenter, have we heard from mchale since the raid? - well, no, sir. i tried to get through to them 3 times, sir, but there was no answer. - aha. maybe this is my lucky day after all, carpenter.

you know, you look better that way, boy. - mchale? mchale? - they don't seem to be here, sir. - no, they don't seem to be anywhere. carpenter, this is terrible. terrible. - what's terrible, sir? - oh, i can see it all now. i know just what happened. hit-and-run harry snuck in here, and mchale and his men tried to fight him off, but one lucky bomb had sent the pt 73 right into that bottomless ocean. oh, what a loss, elroy. what a tragic loss. - oh, sir, sir, cheer up. they're safe, they're safe. here comes the 73 now. right there, sir. oh, good. - of all the dirty, rotten, low-down, miserable, dirty tricks, they're safe.

as a matter of fact, you almost had me in tears. - oh, knock it off, i almost had my freedom. now i can really cry. - so, remember, you guys, not a word about where we've been. - if binghamton ever finds out we left the base, for the luau, ha ha, he'd eat us alive. - oh, condition red, skip. look, there's binghamton standing on the dock. - is he wearing a bib? - no. is he wearing a bib? look what we're wearing. - yeah. - well, never mind, it's too late. he's already spotted us. - besides, the uniforms were blown up in the raid. what are we going to do, skip? - oh, what are we going to do? what are we going to do? well, we'll just play it cool. follow my lead, boys. i've got an idea. all right, tie her up. yeah. ok, you guys, back to your quarters on the double. move it, move it, boys! - hold it, hold it. - why, captain binghamton. - why, captain binghamton. as if you didn't spot me from 3 miles out. now what's the rush? - oh, you see,

yes, sir. - combat uniforms? - oh, sure. yeah, you see, we were out chasing the nip submarines. - what were you going to do to them? blind them with your shirts, then lasso them with your leis? [laughter] - oh, you and your little jokes, sir. you see, we figured that they seeing us in these get-ups would lure the enemy into a false sense of security, they'd think we were coming back from a luau, then when they came up to investigate, blam! we'd blast them right out of the water. - me and my little jokes? you were at a luau, weren't you? - you see, it even fooled you, sir. - you better apologize to my orchids. - [mumbling] you've got to do better than that story, mchale. you have any proof you were out chasing a nip sub? - why...60 witnesses, sir. - 60 witnesses? where are they? where? - why, on that nip submarine, sir. yes, sir. if you want, we can go right out and get them. - you heard the skipper. let's move out, men. battle stations. - oh, shut up. - shut up. me. - all right, mchale, you and your pineapple pickers are

- oh, but captain-- - i'm going to get to the bottom of your ridiculous story after the admiral's visit. - admiral? - yes. and if i find out that you men really were at a luau, then i'm going to invite you to one of my own. - you will? - yes, i will, parker. and at this one, you're all going to be well done on both sides. - skip, you're right. he is going to eat us alive. - oh, and uh, mchale, if you have any ideas about breaking restriction, then you forget them, because i'm going to have a patrol boat check on you every half-hour. and the 73 better be tied up to your dock nice and tight. - yes, sir. oh, but, captain, but what if hit- and-run harry comes and we're tied up to the dock? we'll be sitting ducks. - yeah. carry on. - no good creep. - shh. - he wants us knocked off. - yeah, like the 25 boat. - listen, that's a dirty trick. - yeah, with us on restriction we'll never get back to help those poor natives. - hold it, hold it, boys.

- wasn't it? - yeah. - what gives, captain? - boys, if we're lucky, we'll be able to outsmart old lead bottom on both counts. yes, sir. come on, let's get out of these party duds, and move out. let's go. - there she is, skipper-san. - wow. will you look at that? - hey. - that nip bandit really worked her over. - sure did. uh, i apologize for my landsmen. - yeah, yeah. the main thing is she's afloat. - well, what do you got in mind, skip? give out already. - well, first thing we do is go aboard and clean her up. then we're going to change her name. - to what? - flotsam or jetsam? - flotsam or jetsam. the pt 73. - hey, that's a great name for a boat, pt 73. hey, wait a minute, that's our boat. - what's going on, skip? - excuse me, skip, but have you flipped? - don't you guys get it?

and we tow her back to the dock. - and then we sneak off to meranga on the real 73, and the patrol boat will never know we left. hey. - skip, you're a genius. - yeah, yeah, yeah, all right, let's quit the yakking. now, let's get some paint, some tools, and a tow light. come on, boys, let's move out. - right, skip. all right, men, you heard him, let's move out. we've got a... hey, wait for me. - boy, she sure looks great, skip. - yeah, you guys sure did a terrific job. - who would believe under that paint job likes an empty hulk? - i didn't work on a used car lot for nothing. - hey, well, if they don't get too close, maybe we can even fool binghamton's bed checkers. incidentally, what time's that patrol boat due again? - oh, not for another 20 minutes, skip. - oh, that's good, that's good. that'll give us a chance to sneak our decoy into the dock. and after that, i should lead our more light-fingered members on a heisting party for building supplies.

village, maybe we can convert the 25 into a gambling ship. - yeah, then we can have a real floating crap game. - knock it off, you guys. afr we've done the job, we junk it. - oh, skip, we can't. - yeah, every outfit should have 2 boats. - sure, one for upstream, and one for downstream. - yeah, and while we're away at work, fuji will have one to go marketing. it's the american dream, two boats in every garage. - i like that, skip. two boats in every garage. - oh, come on. you guys have flipped. - yes, i guess they have. we don't have a garage. they're just kidding. - how's that? - great, virg, like twins. - yeah, hey, sounds like the skipper's coming back. - hey, well if it is, he's coming by air. it's the bandit at 10:00 coming in low, mr. parker. - hey, it's hit-and-run harry! [gunshots] - hey, cut that out, harry! you already hit that boat. - this is where we came in. - yeah, he's really got me mad.

take that, and...what's wrong with this thing? - oh, nothing, mr. parker, it's just not loaded, that's all. - don't go away, harry! [mumbling] - never mind, mr. parker, he's out of reach. - quitter. - telephone, main side calling. - watch those bullets. - ensign parker. hello, captain. it's captain speaking. yes, sir. what's new? - what's new? knock off the small talk and tell me about the air raid. how did hit-and-run harry do? is the 73 still floating? - yeah, yeah, it's fine. we're all fine. nice of you to ask. - you're all fine? - yes, sir. affirmative. the nip plane got away, but we're all in great shape. yes, sir. isn't that wonderful? - oh, yes, yes. that's just wonderful. i could just scream. - uh, where's mchale? - mchale? mchale? well, he's busy with the men right now, sir.

- get him to the--he-- get him to the phone? uh, i'll get him, sir. uh, skipper. binghamton wants to talk to you! well? well, i can't come right now, i'm very busy. he's pretty busy, sir. all right, willy, now, rack up that ammo and let's get moving, you eight ball! he's, uh, very, uh, pretty busy, sir. yeah, he, uh, afraid he can't make it. - what are you puffing about? when i'm talking to you, you keep puffing. oh, never mind, you pea brain. puffing all the time, puffing. puffing all the time. - the 73 boat is ok, sir? - yes. why can't those japanese train their pilots to be more accurate? - it's an absolute disgrace, sir. - it's more than that, carpenter. there's something phony going on here, mchale cleaning up after an air raid. - but why, sir? that's regulation navy procedures. - yes, and mchale's doing it, that's what bothers me. - keep an eye on things while i'm gone. i'm going to pay a visit to that rat's nest. get my hat, get my hat.

- oh, i thought you wanted to me to--

- boy, it's been over an hour. all they had to do was swipe those supplies and get back here. - i don't understand why-- - hey, there they come. - well, that's what took them so long. the skip came the back way through the lagoon so he wouldn't run into the patrol boat or binghamton. - well, it's a shame they went through all that trouble. - why? - well, here comes binghamton. - man, what a time for him to show up. - holy mackerel. willy and i better go warn the skipper while somebody stalls binghamton. - oh, good idea. wait a minute. who's going to do the stalling? - looks like you've been elected, mr. parker. - oh, well, thanks. gee, a wonder, i didn't even campaign. hey, wait a minute! i want a recount. - come on, captain. here. let me help you, sir. - oh!

every time i come over here something like this-- watch out! watch out! how would you know the difference, nitwit, now get your hands off of me. - better wipe the dust off of you. - where is he? - you've got some dirt on your face, too, sir. - parker, you get your... where are my glasses? parker, you give me those glasses. i want--parker...why don't you shave on duty? give me those glasses. i tell you... get your hands off of me. just get your hands off of me. get your hands off of me. so, where's mchale? - mchale? mchale? oh, well... - what's a matter with you, boy? you're stammering and stuttering. you're like a-- would you stop that? you touch me again, and i'll have you hung. now where is he? you're making noise like a man who's sitting on a live bomb. - bomb? a bomb. that's it. - the bomb. - what bomb? - well, the one that hit-and-run harry dropped. it didn't explode, sir. - he dropped a bomb that didn't explode? - yes. and the skip's in here right now disarming it. - huh? well, i don't care. i want to talk to him anyway. - you do? well, ok.

drop everything. - hey, wait, wait, wait. mchale. just finish what you're doing, and then, uh, call me. - don't just stand there. there's a live bomb in there. - congratulations, chuck, you saved the day, boy. - that a boy, mr. parker. what a man. - you sure came through under pressure. - he's got nerves of steel. - oh, it was nothing. all you've got to do is... - ha ha ha. that's our ensign. go on, get him on board, we're heading for meranga. let's go, boys. - what are you doing at my desk? get up from there. up, up, up, up, up. - yes, sir. i'm sorry, sir, but the supply depot just called. there's been a big robbery, and i was writing down a list of the missing items, sir. - robbery? let me see that. what kind of a... lumber, roofing, nails?

- yes, sir. who could've done it? - who else could've done it? public enemy number one did it. i thought there was something phony. parker was covering up for mchale and those cutthroats. - but, sir, why would they want building supplies? - oh, how would i know? those crooks would steal anything just to keep in practice. let's go, carpenter. get my hat, get the door. - sir, you're wearing your hat. - well, i'm not wearing the door. move! - their boat is here, sir, but they don't seem to be around. - well, they're probably having a crap game below deck. if we can just get there fast enough, we can--whoa! - sir? i know you were in a hurry, but there's a ladder just there, you could've gone down much easier. - carpenter, you fat head, get me out of here! - i'm trying, sir. - ohh, ohh. - oh, easy, sir. take it easy. be careful. 1, 2, here we go. yeah.

- how can i be all right? i practically broke my... look at that. there's nothing down there, carpenter. there's no engines, there's no radio, there's no equipment. it's just a hulk. - you're right, sir. it's an absolute wreck. it's almost as if a bomb exploded right below deck, a direct hit. - carpenter. - sir? - take a look around in here. - yes, sir. - what does that look like to you? - hit-and-run hay, sir. - exactly. that's why those bandits stole the building supplies. they want to repair the damage. now, if i can just get admiral rogers down here to take a look at this floating junk heap, mchale and his men will be transferred out, and i'll be free. be free, free, aah! - what happened, sir? - don't just stand there, nitwit. get me out of here. - i'm trying.

- mchale, on behalf of the entire tribe, i wish to thank you. now we can build bigger and better village. - well, it's the least we can do, chief. look, we'd l le to stay and help you get started, but we've got to be getting back to our own base. - before you leave, we must show our gratitude. - oh. - [speaking native language] - oh. hey, i think i'm getting the raw end of the deal here, chief. [laughte - come on, get back here. let's go. bye-bye, chief. - so, you see admiral, that's the story. mchale painted up his boat so i wouldn't know it had been knocked out by hit-and-run harry. - yes, sir. and then he went and stole all those supplies just to try and repair it to avoid being transferred out of here. - well, that's some mighty fine spirit, but typical of mchale. anything to stay in the fighting zone. - well, that's not the way i

- what is that? - who would that be sneaking in the back way like that? who, who, who? - sir, i don't know how to say this, but it's the pt 73. - well, how can that be? this is the pt 73. - what is the matter with you, you dunce? did you hear what the admiral--are you trying to tell me there are 2 pt 73s? - i don't know what to say, sir, but when i looked in-- - oh, you don't know anything! what does that say right there? - 73. - give me your handkerchief. - pt 70... 75. pt... oh, pt 25, 25. - binghamton, what in blazes is going on here? - well, admiral, now i see it all, admiral, this is not the 73, this is the wreck of the 25. you see, mchale painted this all up, and left it as a decoy at his dock. - why would he do a thing like that? - because i restricted him to his base, and he's too much

of us by hit-and-run harry. - that amounts to desertion. - yes. - i never thought i'd see the day that mchale would pull a stunt like that. - oh, well, this is the day. this is the day, admiral. i hope it's a lovely day like this tomorrow. i like a sunny court-martial. - boy, that was a close one. we just missed that patrol boat. how's our decoy doing? - mchale! - oh, no, it's binghamton. - all right, mchale, we know it's you, and we know about the boats, so come out of those bushes. - on the double, mchale, you've got a lot of explaining to do. - it's admiral rogers, too. - oh, boy, it'll take a miracle to get us out of this one, boys. - bandit at 1:00, skip. - hey, it's hit-and-run harry. - yeah, he's diving at our decoy. - maybe this is the miracle we want, boys. - battle stations, men, let 'em have it! [gunshots]

[gunshots] - ohh, ohh, i'm hit. i'm hit! they got me. they got me! i've been shot down like a dog in the prime of life. - but, sir-- - oh, carpenter, stop the bleeding, i'm too young to die. get me a medic, get me a chaplin! - it stopped, you stopped it. bless you, boy, bless you. - binghamton, all you need is a good, hot bath. if you pull yourself together, you'd find out your blood is nothing but dirty arcade.

- cease fire! - hey, we got him. we nailed hit-and-run harry. - hey, nice work, boys. - all right, come on, boys, we're going in. - disgraceful behavior. - oh, forget the chaplin. - oh, hi, admiral. - well, fine work, mchale. - oh, well, thank you, sir, thank you. - all right, mchale, maybe you got that nip with a lucky shot, but you're still guilty of repainting a pt boat without permission, and deserting your post in the face of the enemy. now, do you deny the charges? - no, sir. - aha. there you are, admiral, you're a witness. - but, you see, sir, by painting the old wreck to resemble the 73, we created a lure for hit-and-run harry. and then we sneaked off, hid in the bushes, and-- - and harry fell for it, and staved your decoy. i was a witness to that, all right. - yes, sir, and then the real 73 got him. - look here, mchale-- - binghamton, why can't you think of things like that?

- now, don't worry, wally, we're going to put in a good word for you. - hey, you're all sticky. - why me?

isistinct yelling] - hey, skip, i've been thinking, why do we have to sink the 25? - because she's just a worthless, old hump. and binghamton ordered her sunk for target practice, that's why. - worthless hump? she saved our lives. - i know, i know. what do you want me to do? orders are orders. - well, if you ask me, she deserves a better fate. - or maybe-- - come on, you meatball. come on, get going. - hey, you know, i agree

i don't know how you can think of sinking a gallant boat like this. you know what, maybe we-- - ok, you guys, let's get this worthless, old hulk out of here. - that's our ensign. captioning made possible by nbc universal - he's here, sir, his plane just landed. he's here. he's here. - who's here? what do you mean, bursting in here like a ninny. - harley hatfield, sir, don't you remember his travel orders? that he was being shipped here for 2 weeks temporary duty? - oh, harley hatfield, so what? - so what? why, sir, he's the number one singer in the country. lay that pistol down, baby oh, lay that pistol down pistol-- - stop that this minute. what's the matter with you wiggling like that in front of your commanding officer? [excited chatter]

- a little crowd is gathering to welcome harley hatfield. - oh, they are, huh? we'll see about that. [excited chatter] - 10-hut. attention. - all right, all right, all right. what's going on here? is this a naval base or is this the stage door at the paramount theatre? - well, that's an easy one, sir, naval base. - what are we doing, shutting down the war because some 2-bit crooner showed up here? - oh, he's not a crooner, he swings. haven't you ever heard him, sir? oh, lay that pistol down baby, lay that pistol down [crowd cheering] - you stop that! all of you, you stop that right this instant, carpenter, put them all on report, all of them.

his autograph. - get out of my way. get back here. this is your captain speaking. - mr. hatfield, please. - carpenter, you are a disgrace. now, see here, sailor. - seaman hatfield reporting for duty. - [screaming] - as you were, all of you. now, this is a naval base. - hi there, ladies, i just love you. aah! - [screaming] - captain, you ought to be ashamed of yourself. - don't just stand there, mchale, help me with this load.

- carpenter. - yes, sir. - i was talking to comfleet on the phone. they said not a single one of the dispatchers that i sent this morning has been received. now how do you account for that? - very simply, sir, because none of them have been sent yet. - what? - well, sir, the radio shack has had more than it could handle this morning. harley hatfield had to contact his agent 3 times. - agent? - well, yes, sir. he also had to contact his tax man and also get in touch with his recorcompany about his royalties on "chowder head blues." - "chowder head blues." carpenter, how dare you let an ordinary seaman use the radio shack. - oh, but, sir, he's not ordinary. he's harley hatfield.

in war bonds. - i don't care what he sold. why wasn't he assigned a duty with the rest of the personnel? - well, sir, i asked him what he'd like to do, but we had to rule out quite a number of things, because he doesn't get up until 10 in the morning. - 10. up by 10 is he? well, then why don't you loan him my jeep? it's nice to go surfing at that time of day. - sir, i'm glad you said that, because that's just what i did. - you lent him my jeep? are you mad? - oh, no, sir, no, sir, it was a very fair trade, because, sir, he left you an autographed copy of his latest hit, "chowder head blues." see, he signed it right there. - he did. now, carpenter, you get this and you get this straight. i haven't received any special orders on hatfield. and he is to be treated just like any other sailor and that's an order. - yes, sir. - and as for this, one chowder head deserves another.

- [screaming] - boy, isn't it exciting having a celebrity on base? - yeah. - skip, got a piece of paper? - oh, i don't know. let me see. i got some here somewhere. - what's going on over there? what, what, what, what? - oh, friends of harley hatfield, sir. - oh, hi, captain. can i borrow this? i want to get his autograph. - you ninny. - [screaming] - hatfield. - sorry, folks, that's all for now. - [groaning] - rats. - you better watch where you're going, sir. - are you all right, sir? - i'll never be all right until i get rid of that hatfield. - get rid of him, sir, but he's a star. - a star?

he's a menace with sideburns. that's what he is, an 8-ball. speaking of 8-balls, mchale, maybe i just solved my problem. i'm going to assign him to you. - oh, wait a minute, captain. you can't transfer him to us, he'll really foul up our base. - well, on your base it will never be noticed. - hey, fellas, lay those pace boards down, we just struck oil. - hey, what's up, grube? - the skip and parker just learned that harley hatfield is going to be bunking with us. - harley hatfield. - the movie star? - mr. happy hips? - wow. - where does the oil come in? - use your imagination. we're going to put on a show, sell tickets, he'll sing and during intermission we can unload that trunk load of hooch for 5 bucks a bottle. - what a break. - hey, skip, isn't this terrific? - where is he? - hey, yeah, listen, where is he? - all right, all right, calm down, boys. now, look, let's get one thing straight here.

- where would you like this stuff, sir? - just put it right down there, sonny. here's something for your trouble. - hey, skip, 5 bucks. - i already told you, chuck, that's an ensign's uniform you're wearing. not a bell hop's and quit tipping the officers, will ya? - say, a harley, old salt, you can have my bunk. anything else you want to make you happy, just name it. - [excited chatter] - thanks, fellas, but i'm just happy being here with you fine men. and i finally found a place where nobody expects me to put on a show. - hey, skip. - that is absolutely 100% correct. nobody, but nobody around here expects you to do anything but your share of the work. - work? who said anything about work? where's the action? i want to get myself a nip. - wait a minute, harley boy. that nonsense. - yeah, you're liable to get your hips shot off. - take it from me, cousin, i'm a linesman. - ah, the boys are right.

training at boot camp. we're not even supposed to let you go near a gun. - what? i'll have you know that back in the blue ridge i was one of the best rabbit hunters around. why, if this gun was loaded i'd-- - give me that gun. will you give me that gun? what are you trying to do, kill us all? - what do you think we are, rabbits? - hey, grube, we sprung a leak. - oh, and that was a good batch, too. grab some of that. - i'm sorry, friend. here's a 20 to cover the damage. - here, let me have that. you keep your 20, hatfield. and from now on the only weapon i want to see in your hand is a swab. - a swab? see here, mchale, i'm going to call my agent. - well, now, you go right ahead and do that... when you get off duty. right now, go stow your gear and fast. the rest of you guys, outside, i want to talk to everyone of ya. come on. come on, you, too, gruber. let's go. - hey, hatfield, if you'd autograph

- come on. - all right. now, hear this, you guys. now, we've been stuck with a primo donna by captain binghamton, but i don't want any of you buttering him up or doing him any special favors. do you read me good? - special favors? - he ruined a whole case of good booze. - and you were going to give him your bunk? [explosion] - hey, it's a raid. - hey, you critters ain't ever going to win a war hugging the ground like that. - what do you mean by that crack? - i was just practicing. i threw a grenade out the back window. - hatfield, one more bone headed move like that and so help me, even your agent won't be able to help you. i told you to pack your gear, so get moving. move! move! - all right. what wise guy threw the grenade?

- if tired of my cooking, just say so! - are you all right? - hey, the creep almost got him. - we got to get rid of that harley hatfield. - harley hatfield is here? - why, you know him, too? - oh, sure, he's very big in tokyo. oh, lay that pistol down, baby lay that pistol down - all right. all right. all right. hold it, hold it. you want him to hear you? now scoot out of here before he sees you. go on. go on. - but i want his autograph. - wait a minute, sure, a one-way ticket to a p.w. camp is what you want. no go on, scram, beat it, go on, go on. - [humming] - well, i know one thing for sure, boys. we got to get rid of killer hatfield. - i'll buy that. - yeah. - sure. - you heard him. he ain't leaving until he bags himself a nip. - yeah, you'd think he'd settle. he almost got himself an officer. - well, i say if it takes a nip to get him back to the states, then that's exactly what we'll get him. - around here? we haven't seen any japanese in weeks. - yeah, that's the trouble with war, there's a shortage of everything.

hold it. now, look, if we can make a 5-year-old scotch out of 2-day-old coconut juice, we can certainly make a nip for a hatfield. hmm? - a-so. - hey, men, battle stations. nip sighting at miraga, let's move out. - ok, come on. come on. let's go. - [cheering] - come on, hatfield, you, too. we need every man we can get. move, will ya? - yahoo! kojo, here i come. - all right, boys. hey, chuck, tinker should be in position by now. now, are you sure the men have nothing but blanks in their guns? - yeah, skip, sure. - ok. all right, boys, go get 'em. now, mr. parker's in command here, ok, chuck, take her over. - blast off! those nips aren't going to wait all day, you guys. full speed ahead. how's that, skip? - well, fine except you forgot to get on board.

- all right, men, spread out and keep your eyes open. this is it. - keep down and watch out for snipers. - hey, i think i saw a nip over there. i'm going after him. - he's all yours, harley. - that tinker is on the job. - everything is going according to schedule. - yeah, we'll soon have old sideburns out of our hair. [gunshot] - all right, who's using real bullets? - come on. get down. - run for it.

- you're kind of over doing it, aren't ya, tink, there aren't any real nips. [gunshots] - any questions? - all right, men. fire back. - hold it! hold it! what are you doing? we're loaded with blanks. - we better run for it. - wait a minute and leave hatfield here? - what are we going to do with blanks? - we'll come back and get him. - we got to get help. - now, wait a minute, men. i'm in command here. i'll make that decision. [gunshots] i just made the decision. we got to get help. - captain binghamton. oh, admiral steinholtz, how are you, sir? - how's the boy? - oh, i'm all right, thank you. - not you, harley hatfield. - harley hatfield, that goon? - goon, have you lost your mind? hatfield is the pride of the navy department. he sold over a million dollars worth of war bonds. he's a v.i.p., you know. - oh, he's a v.i.p. well, i, uh,

i ever met. - yeah, well, if you like your job, you hear this. i want you to have hatfield put on a show down there tonight. i'll be there to pin on his ribbons and give him a special citation from the navy department. - yes, sir, i'll give him the orders, sir. - don't you dare order him. you ask him and nicely. - nicely. yes, sir, nicely.

- you mean you actually left hatfield on miraga with all those nips? - skip, they had real bullets. all we had were blanks. - yeah, mr. parker's right, skip. oh, what a snafu. well, all right, come on, let's move. we got to load up with the real mccoy and bring him back here. come on. let's go. [telephone rings] - hey, skip, binghamton wants to talk to you.

t me have it. mchale speaking, sir. - how is my boy harley hatfield doing? - hatfield, oh, he's fine, sir, just fine. - now, i don't want you to put hatfield on any detail that might tire him. we're going to put a show over here tonight at 1900. - a show? tonight? - yes, a show tonight. admiral steinholtz is going to decorate him. - ah, yes, sir, yes, sir, i'll tell hatfield, yes, sir. now, do you mind, sir? - i do mind and put him on the phone, i'll tell him myself. - he's just taking a nap, yes, sir. a nap, yeah, and i'm sure you wouldn't want me to wake him up just to tell him there's going to be a show? - no, no, no. no, taking a nap? isn't that cute. ha ha ha. make sure he's covered, mchale, and have him over here tonight 1900 on the dot. - yes, sir, yes, sir. what a mess. - oh, what are we going to do, sir? - how can hatfield put on a show if he's a prisoner?

- oh, no, no, don't say it. we got to think positive, boys, we got to bring him back. - right, skip, let's move out. - no, no, no. no, wait a minute, no, not you, chuck, no, you stay here with tinker and look, if we're not back for the show by 1900, stall them. i don't care what you do. just stall them. come on, boys, let's move out. - oh, hip singers, whatever happened to crosby? - what's going on here, binghamton? this show should have started an hour ago. - oh, i don't know, admiral. i'm just as anxious to have it get started as you are, sir. i've never seen harley hatfield rform. - well, neither have i. so, come on. let's get going. - yes, sir, i'll check and see what's going on. - go on. go on. - you look lovely, mr. parker. - oh, we'll never get away with it. - this is desperation time. the skipper said to stall. and they're not going to sit still much longer. - yeah, but me as harley hatfield, that's ridiculous.

in this outfit you almost look like him. - oh, i wish i had gone with the skip. at least there i would have had a chance to get killed. - will you relax? you mouth his words, i'll play his records and-- captain binghamton. - harley, i hate to disturb you right now, but the admiral's getting-- - parker. - howdy, sir. - don't you howdy sir, me. where is hatfield? what are you doing in that get-up? - well, well, uh, well. - you stop that. out with it. i want the truth. now, where is he? where, where, where, where? - well, he's in the hands of the enemy. - the enemy? you mean the army's got him? - the japanese army. - oh, well, the japanese, well, i thought for a minute-- the japanese army? i won't believe that. i refuse to believe that. - well, you're not trying, sir. - not trying, i-- - sir, no violence. i think our only chance is to let mr. parker go out and stall them until the skipper gets back with hatfield. - and deceive admiral steinholtz? are you mad?

admiral steinholtz the truth. you know, how you railroaded hatfield on to us? - ah, ah, the show must go on, yes, i can see that now, boys. if anything goes wrong, i'll have you both boiled in oil before i'm shipped out. [screaming] - hi, you all. for my first number i'd like to... to play one of my favorites and yours. pi... "pistol poking mama." uh, "tackle picking mama." you know what i mean. - [screaming] [music playing] drinking beer in a cabaret and was i having fun

and now i'm on the run oh, lay that pistol down, baby put that pistol down - he looks a lot fatter than i expected. shorter, too. - well, he's probably not wearing his elevated shoes and his girdle. well, you know how these stars are. - i was dead - oh, lay that pistol down, baby lay that pistol down a pistol packing mama lay that pistol down put it down [applause] - bravo, harleyson, we dig you the most. - thank you, thank you. if i'd known you were such good fans of mine, well, i wouldn't have tried to take a shot at you all. - oh, can you sing, uh, "love me or leave me, or let me be lonely"? - i don't think i know that one. uh... what about "is you is or is you ain't my baby?"

- is you is or is you ain't my baby? - baby, baby, baby, baby baby, baby, baby, baby baby, baby, baby but it seems my flame in your heart's done gone out - well, he seems to lose a lot when you see him in person. - oh, i thought it was wonderful, admiral. it's quite a trick imitating a broken record like that. isn't he great, men? huh? great. great, great? - just when you're sure... - great, great, great, great. - is you is or is you ain't my baby? maybe, baby... - i don't believe it. - look at him go. - well, he's got them right in the palm of his hand. - we were worried about him. - probably using him to sell japanese war bonds. - not if we have anything to do with it.

- [cheering] - honorable harleyson, my men and i very much like to have your autograph. - sure enough, gather round, fellas. - hey, now's our chance, boys. let's go get him. aah! all right, all right. get them up here, boys. by golly, have you had it. come on. - hey, take it easy, mchale, he's president of my tokyo fan club. - i'll fan club you. now, come on. get moving. you got to do a show for our side tonight. let's go. come on. hep, hep! come on. let's go. - hey, business is getting good. - now, for my next number i am going to sing... - "pistol packing mama." - "pistol packing mama"? - 2 hours of this is all i can stand. i'm going up there and giving him his citation. uh, just a minute there, hatfield.

time is up. that was a fine show, young man. a fine show. on be... on behalf of the united states navy at this time i would like to thank you and shake your hand. - oh, what? ooh! - what are you doing? - i better get going. - all right, both of you! now, attention! all right, you. all right! go ahead and start talking. you're not hatfield. who are you? go on speak, speak, speak! - speak, i, uh, i, uh, i'm ensign parker, sir. you know me. - binghamton, what goes on here? - i, uh, i, uh, i was hoping not to have to tell you this, admiral. but, uh, there's a very simple explanation. - well, i would certainly love to hear it. - so would i. - shut up. [men singing] - lay that pistol down, boys lay that pistol down pistol packing, mama, lay that pistol down

lay that pistol down pistol packing, mama, lay that pistol down - yes, sir, we just captured the japanese patrolling miraga island that was spying on our shipment, sir. - oh, yes, yes, congratulations, mchale. are you all right, harley? - admiral, you're looking at the man that actually deserves all the credit. we couldn't have captured them if it hadn't been for harley hatfield. yes, sir. [crowd cheering] - that's right. they almost passed out just listening to me sing. - i can understand that, all right. congratulations, my boy. - congratulations, harley, you showed raw courage. - well, what about me? getting up here like this took a lot-- - ahem! all right, men. let's hear it now for harley hatfield. hip hip... - hooray! - hip hip... - hooray!

- thank you. thank you. and now that i've seen myself some action, i really feel like singing. i'm going to entertain you all till the wee hours of the morning. - oh, no, no, no, my boy. no, you've done enough for your country for one day. - but you've been listening to him imitate me. now, you're going to hear the real thing. mr. parker, let's go get me in my singing clothes. i hope you didn't stretch them none. - oh, that's not where you have to worry. - all right, mchale, take the prisoners to the compound. - no, no, you don't, mchale. if i've got to stay here and listen to him, then they're staying, too. - right.

llllllllllllllllllllllllllo. i'm mister ed. a horse is a horse, of course, of course and no one can talk to a horse, of course that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous mister ed well. hmm. where is everybody? wilbur: ed? uh-oh. ed, i told you not to spy on our new neighbors. i'm not spying. i'm just exercising my eyes.

well, it's such a big nose. i have to stick it some place. who are they? mr. and mrs. harper and their teenage daughter emmy lou. go on, wilbur. what other gossip do you know? well, they just moved in. their furniture is... ed, you're nothing but a busybody. if there's anything i can't stand, it's a peeping horse. big deal. come on. back in the barn. back in the barn. now i got to watch a daytime soap opera. that's right. get in the barn and you stay there. okay. carol: wilbur. emmy lou came over to ask a favor of you, hun. mr. post, i know we just moved in, and i wouldn't want to impose on you. that's all right, honey. impose away. well, i'm not going steady with anyone... i'd be delighted. i feel i should warn you my fox trot's holding up well, but my twist is bent. emmy lou is serious. i'm sorry, honey. what's the favor?