[clock ticking] [thump thump thump thump] alice, is it necessary to hold a bowling tournament while i'm trying to get my work done? i'm awfully sorry, henry. mom says the ball wasn't supposed to be upstairs, so i tried to bring it down, only it's full of iron or something. it won't happen again, dear. well, it can't happen again, alice. i've got to get that report in the mail by tonight.

what? nothing. you want me to help you to work, dad? no thank you, dennis. i can pull this lever after you punch those buttons. adding machines aren't for children. i brought you some coffee and i want you to look at something i found in one of the closets. honey, i can't stop for that. i'm trying to do two days work in one. oh, nonsense. the rest will make you work twice as fast. look at that. remember when that was taken? can i look? in a minute, dennis. that was the day you proposed. yeah. your folks had a picnic in their back yard, your dad barbecued, your mother baked one of her delicious peach pies, you wore that dress that i was always crazy about, and i proposed. it was all a beautiful trap. how come i don't remember that? son, do you wanna see a very handsome couple? sure.

i'll bet you could see clear on top of the house in a neat swing like that, huh, mom? well, it was pretty nice. will you make me a swing like that? well, you know i can't right now, dennis, but maybe later on. jeepers, we got a tree and everything. all we need is a rope and a board to sit in. not now, dennis. thanks for the reminiscing and the coffee, dear, but i've got to get back to work. hey, i know where there's some rope. not the clothesline, dennis. oh. well, couldn't you hang the clothes up with a swing, sort of sideways? no. oh. okay. i'll find something else. i guess i wasn't being very subtle, was i, dear? subtle? about what? bringing in this old picture album was my sneaky way of trying to find out what you're planning for tonight. tonight? oh, you can go right on being clever. after 10 years of being married, i'm glad my husband

well, uh... that's all right, henry. you don't have to tell me if you don't want to. well, i guess i'd better tell you in case you want to get a special dress ready or something. we have a ringside table reserved at the crystal room. the crystal room? oh, henry, can we afford it? well, even if we can't afford it, it's our anniversary and there's nothing too good for my girl. i'll wear my good blue dress and i guess your tux is still all right. let's see. did you get a sitter for dennis? that's the one thing i forgot. never mind, honey. i'll take care of it. alice, i still have to get this work done. if you can just give me four hours of absolutely undisturbed concentration, that's all i'll need.

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[cat meows] hello, kitty. [cat meows] here, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty. dennis, don't chase that cat. is that your cat, mr. wilson? no, mrs. wilson's taking care of her for a friend who's out of town. boy, this sure is a swell rope. dennis, don't touch that rope.

when you're through with it, can i have it for my swing? no. get away from that rope, dennis. i--oh, heavens. i'm coming right down. dennis, i don't even want you close to this thing. why, that bucket is very heavy and it has to be lowered with extreme caution. did you get all that dirt out of your room, mr. wilson? the dirt came from the window box. it had to be changed because it's turned sour. jeepers, why don't you put some sugar in it? you don't put sugar in it, dennis. you replace it with clean dirt. clean dirt? jeepers, mr. wilson, all we got around here is dirty dirt. for heaven sakes. now, look, dennis, you stand right back here. that's it. so i can lower the bucket to the ground. do you want me to go up and ride down with the bucket, mr. wilson? no. look, you stay right back there, now, see? now stay right there.

well, i wasn't until a few moments ago. i know, dennis. let's really play it safe. now, you stay back of that trowel until i give you the all clear. good old mr. wilson. that's heavier than i thought. oh, the darn knot's stuck. maybe if you were barefooted, you could untie the knots with your toes. i'm not barefooted. i bet a monkey could do it. dennis, look, i'll allow you to step across the trowel. just three steps forward. no more. now, 1, 2, 3. now reach down and pull that bullknot loose, and then jump back.

now you see, dennis? accidents can be avoided by careful preparation. why, it's a fallacy that trouble follows you around, dennis. why, you did exactly as you were told. are you through with the rope, mr. wilson? yes, i'm through with the rope. can i have it for my swing? oh, take it, take it, take it. thank you. there's nothing altruistic in the gift, dennis. it's just that somehow it seems when you're over on your own property, things work out better over here. you mean you're not nervous anymore? well, let's just say i'm beginning to recover. boy, that's swell. hey, i wonder where that cat went. matilda? oh, great scott. kitty! kitty!

see that picture of your swing? oh, of course. it's right over there on the table. here it is. look. boy, what a neat swing. yeah. we already have the rope. all we need is a board to sit on. uh-huh. who's that girl in the swing? that's my mom before she turned into a mother. oh. she takes up so much room we can't tell how the rope's fastened to the board. yeah. well, we better find a board and ask somebody how you fasten a rope onto it. come on. bye, mom. bye, mrs. mitchell. good-bye, boys. here, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty. [rustling] that you, kitty? it's only us, mr. wilson. i might have known. we're looking for a piece of wood about this long, only wider. it's for our swing. and i'm looking for a cat.

i haven't seen him at all. and i haven't seen a piece of wood about that long only wider, so it doesn't look as if we can do each other much good, does it, boys? oh, i'm sorry. i'm sorry. it isn't your fault that i can't find that stupid cat. and if you're looking for a piece of wood for your swing, why don't you go over and ask little margaret's father? why, he has a big wood yard out in back, if i remember correctly. yeah. boy, thanks, mr. wilson. wow! this is perfect. hi, dennis. you and tommy come over to play house with me? heck, no, margaret. can we have this piece of wood? no. we just can't play house today, margaret, on account of we're gonna build our swing.

well, uh...it might take us two days to build it. in three days, then. okay. in three days, me and tommy will come over and play house with you. uh-uh. i'll come over to your house.

don't talk too loud, tommy. my dad's trying to work. yeah, you told me. [door slams] mom! mom! look, mom! dennis, don't shout. i won't. look at the swell board we got over at margaret's house. oh, that's very nice, dear. i hope you offered to pay for it. we didn't offer, but we're sure gonna pay. let's go, dennis. don't forget, now. i want to try that swing before you sit in it. okay, mom. easy, matilda. i won't hurt you, kitty.

mr. wilson's in our yard. we'll get her for you, mr. wilson. no! stay back! [cat meows] she's up in the tree, mr. wilson. well, thank you for not driving her underground. you're welcome. mr. wilson, we got a rope and board and everything. so? so when you get a ladder to get the cat down, would you mind putting up our swing? dennis, you have an absolutely wretched sense of timing. boy, good old mr. wilson talks swell, huh, tommy? yeah, except i never know what he's talking about. i'll tell you what i'm talking about. because of your interference, i'm going to have to call the police. i think i hear my mom calling me. me, too.

about you boys. i need them to get the cat down. is mrs. wilson gonna send you to your room because you lost her friend's cat? yes, she just might. boy, if we knew that cat was gonna go up in the tree, then we could have got him to take the rope up for us. yeah, except cats can't tie knots. [music playing] hey, there's mr. johnson in his ice cream truck. maybe he can help us. come on. [music playing] there he is. i got the impression this was a matter of life and death. if i'd known it was just a cat, i wouldn't have left my truck. we just can't leave him up there, mr. johnson. we can't get up there to give him anything to eat. i know, boys, but i'm taking a chance

you see, i've got a weak battery, and if the motor stops, i can't get it started again. it's still ringing. i know, but... all right. but we better hurry. come on. and while you're up there, would you mind tying this rope on that high branch? it's for our swing. sure. sure. [music playing] hey! [music stops] [telephone rings] i'll get it, de-- henry?

oh, i'm sure there must be some mistake. my husband made reservations some time ago and-- an hour ago? i see. thank you. that'll take care of those bells for a while. there was no one around, so i just turned off the ignition. what's the matter, honey? you should have talked to the maitre d' instead of an ordinary waiter, henry. what? the maitre d' at the crystal room just called. he can't give you a table for tonight. he can't. no. the waiter you talked to an hour ago had no right to take your reservation. listen, alice, i didn't forget our anniversary. i thought about it all last week. i remembered it yesterday in the office and i was just about to call the crystal room

you'd better get your work done, henry, so you can watch the fights tonight. there's no fight tonight. oh, yes, there is. honey, listen-- i had no idea this tree was... hey, i don't hear my bells. yeah, they stopped. all my ice cream will melt. you should have called the fire department, george. they're better at getting cats out of trees. just a minute. just a minute. is that your truck parked out there in the middle of the street? i just put a ticket on it. violation of section 285 of the vehicle code. tell me about it later. my ice cream is melting. his ice cream melts if his bells don't ring. what? never mind about that, mooney. how about the cat? look, criminals could be careening

and i'm up a tree chasing a cat. it's a waste of taxpayer's money. will you take our rope and tie it up on that branch as long as you're going up there anyway, mr. mooney? it's for our swing. i'll need both hands to climb up, boys. if the rope for up there some way, then would you tie it on? i suppose. thanks, mr. mooney. [doorbell rings] do you have a freezer compartment in your refrigerator? well, yes, but-- well, your son had me chasing a cat up a tree and caused me to get a ticket. so i figured the least you can do is let me put this stuff in your freezer until i get my truck started again. just say yes or no, mister. i got $42 worth of frozen fudgies melting on me. some chowderhead turned off my ignition.

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i don't suppose you're the first husband to forget an anniversary, henry, but to try to cover it up the way you did-- before you reveal any family secrets, lady, i'm not henry. what are you doing? it's all right. i checked with your husband. well, it's not all right. all my frozen meat will melt. it's just till i get my truck fixed. that's all. henry, there's a man out in the kitchen filling our freezer with ice cream. i know, dear. he's the ice cream man. but he's taking out all my frozen meat. well it's a little complicated, dear. it has something to do with dennis getting him to chase a cat up a tree, and then it seems that he got a ticket

it'll all work out. henry, this is the worst day of my entire life. mine, too. i'm simply got to get this work done. i got everything back in the refrigerator, lady. just be careful how you open the door. all right. yoo-hoo. alice. come on in, mr. wilson. say, have you got something to put on sergeant mooney's hand? matilda bit him. oh, of course. next time, call the fire department, huh? they got asbestos gloves for this sort of thing. now that i have a minute, officer, i'd like to talk to you about that ticket. once a ticket's written, that's it. sure, but there are mitigating circumstances. did you or did you not park the truck in the middle of the street? well, mooney, the man's only trying to explain.

my battery's dead. that's why the truck is where it is. boy, i've heard that one before. [cat meows] oh, quiet, matilda. you've caused enough trouble. why else would i put my fudgies in this lady's refrigerator? look. oh! they gone? uh-huh. honey, as soon as i finish my work, let's you and i go out for dinner. aw, thank you, henry, but i just don't feel like it. hey, mom, the swing's all ready. that's nice, dear. aren't you gonna come out and test it? maybe later. jeepers, how are me and tommy gonna swing if you don't tell us it's okay? boy's got a point there, dear. your father's here now, dennis. he can test it for you. but you're the one who promised him.

tommy, my mom's gonna sit in the swing, and if it doesn't bust, then we can try it. son, it looks like you did a pretty good job. yeah, mr. wilson's cat was sure a big help. so i hear. you gonna try it, honey? well... come on, mom. you promised. all right. remind you of anything? mm-hmm. i can almost smell your mother's peach pie baking. rememeer what happened when everybody went back into the house? i think so. went something like this, didn't it? mm-hmm. you're better than you used to be. i ought to be. i've had 10 years practice. higher. not as strong as you used to be. you're not as light as you used to be.

you wanna go play marbles? gee, dennis, how come? i think mom and dad are gonna be using the swing for a while. come on. [music] [music] hey, mom, do you know where my ball is, my tennis ball? no. it's probably right where you left it. gee whiz, lost again. me and tommy and charlie wanted to play ball. you and tommy and who? charlie? sure. charlie cooper.

hey, charlie, come in and meet my good old mom. [music] is that charlie? that's him. you know charlie, don't you, dad? he's mr. cooper's. oh, well, yes. but i didn't know his name was charlie. i've only heard him referred to as that "stupid mutt." he's just a wonderful dog and he loves kids. and you know what? no. what? mr. cooper is going away today and he says maybe i can keep charlie 'til he gets back sunday. oh, well, now. wait a minute, dennis. i don't-- keep him here? oh, dennis. i'll take care of him and feed him and play with him and keep him out of your way all the time. oh, i don't know, dennis. caring for a dog is a big job. tommy will help me. won't you, tommy? sure. we'll teach him lots of tricks.

and i'll play with him and keep him from getting lonesome. and he can even sleep with me so you won't have to make the bed in the guest room. oh, no, dennis. that dog is not going to sleep in the same bed with you. no, sir. then he can sleep on the back porch, huh? okay, mom? oh, wait a minute. we'll talk about it. what do you think, henry? honey, it's only for a couple of days. it--it might be good for him, teach him a sense of responsibility, maybe. oh, i don't know about that, but it might help him work off some of that steam. all right, dennis. we'll give it a try. yippee. hurray. you better go over and tell mr. cooper right away. when is he leaving? about three hours ago. see, i told you, you could stay, charlie. he won't be a bit of trouble, mom. you'll love good old charlie. come on, charlie. let's go out in the patio.

good old charlie, you'll just love him. yes. he won't be a bit of trouble. hey, there's good old mr. wilson wearing his butcher coat again, tommy. hello, mr. wilson. oh, no. dennis, get that stupid dog out of my face. [music] now, look. oh, what a mess. yeah. i'm sure glad you didn't knock that stuff over, charlie. me, too. you would be awfully mad at me and charlie if we had done that, huh, mr. wilson? well, what are you doing with that stupid dog, anyway? i thought cooper was putting him into the kennel this week. oh, we talked mr. cooper out of that.

well, keep him over at your house, then. well, you sure do look swell in that butcher coat, mr. wilson. yeah, swell. it is not a butcher coat, boys. it's a smock. we artists all wear smocks. it sure looks like a butcher coat to me. don't it, dennis? it's a butcher coat all right. our butcher's got one just like it, only cleaner. but he don't look as good as good old mr. wilson. oh. dennis, i have work to do and i cannot do it with that stupid dog under my feet. jeepers, mr. wilson, charlie is not stupid. he's a very smart dog. aren't you, charlie? hey, look at that, tommy. and look at that good old tree. yup. that's a tree all right. boy, you sure can paint plain, mr. wilson.

that's the swellest tree picture i ever saw in my whole life. here's the trunk. you see how the limbs go way up to-- hey, mr. wilson, this is wet paint. did you know that? you ought to have a sign that says, "wet paint." all right, boys. i'm all through painting for the day. the fun is over. besides, it's getting close to dinnertime so-- we have to go home to dinner now, mr. wilson. mom doesn't like me and charlie to be late for dinner. i have to go home, too, mr. wilson. good. good. where is that stupid dog, anyway? did he leave? oh, he's around someplace. here, charlie. well, dennis, find him. if that stupid mutt's digging up my flower beds up--

hey, there he is, tommy. dennis: good old charlie.

hey, he's painting a picture with his tail. wow. look at him paint. oh, go on, charlie. get back-- oh, look at this. it's ruined. oh. now, listen to me, boys. the art exhibit is saturday night-- yeah. mom told me all about it. it's at the art school. mom says mr. fillmore wins a prize every year. oh, ballard fillmore's an old windbag. why that pompous, untalented-- never mind. i'll bet you're gonna beat him this year. well, i hope to. i hope to beat everybody, dennis. i hope to win first prize. but i can only do it if you will help me. i sure will, mr. wilson. i'll go home and get my paint. no. no, dennis. i mean, well, the best way you can help me

and you stay away yourself all day tomorrow. tomorrow? well, gee, i-- well, i'll make a deal with you, boys. if you will stay away tomorrow, all day, i'll give you a quarter, a quarter a piece. you mean, two quarters? one for me and one for tommy? that's right. mr. wilson, that's a deal. good. the best deal i ever made. i couldn't come tomorrow, anyway, because i have to stay at tommy's all day tomorrow because my mom said so. oh, fine. spending my money for nothing. well, we'll see you, mr. wilson. bye, mr. wilson. here he comes, mom. dad's got him again. where did you find him this time? in dennis' bed again. he sure wants to sleep with me. well, he's not going to. right now, charlie, stay there. i bet he's gonna be lonesome, and i bet he's not gonna like it either. well, he can just learn to like it. he's not going to sleep with you. well, why can't he sleep in my room, mom?

he won't make a single sound and he won't even snore. will you, charlie? look at that. he--he just loves it out here. yes. now, you guys run upstairs and get some sleep. it's after 10 and we're all tired. [music] [dog howling] [dog howling] confound that howling monster. how does henry mitchell expect me to get any sleep? lie down, dear. they'll quiet him. now, don't get upset. [dog howling] henry.

and do something about that dog. all right. [dog howling] [phone ringing] hello? oh, mr. wilson. yeah. excuse me just a minute. i'm gonna get my robe. it's cold. it's in the closet. hi, mr. wilson. it's me, dennis. --dennis, i wanna speak to your father. how does he expect me to get any sleep with that stupid dog howling? he's lonesome, mr. wilson. i bet if you were only three years old and you'd have to sleep on the back porch, you'd howl too. anyhow, he's not howling now. oh, for the--oh. oh, martha, where is my nerve medicine.

i'll get it. hello, mr. wilson. i'm sorry to keep you waiting. he'll be right back, dad. he's getting his nerve medicine. dennis. what are you doing over there? oh no. he's having a little talk with mr. wilson. wilson will be right back. he went to get his nerve medicine. dennis, what do you mean bothering mr. and mrs. wilson in the middle of the night like this? how did you-- never mind. let me talk to mrs. wilson. i don't think she feels like talking. she's trying to sleep. all right, dennis. don't say anything else. now, just be quiet. boy. hello. oh, oh, hello, hello, alice.

but i need my sleep. of course, you do, and we're terribly sorry about this. henry is on his way now to get him, and believe me, it will not happen again. goodnight. dennis: hey, mom. do you know where dad went? he went out. [dog howling] dennis, how did-- uh-oh.

[music] and dennis was downstairs on the extension the whole time. what a mess. both mr. and mrs. wilson answered the door and i kept asking for dennis. mr. wilson looked at me like i was out of my mind. i guess it wasn't dennis' fault at that, not entirely anyway. well, where is he now? in bed i hope. sound asleep. and i finally got that dog to sleep too, thank goodness. he won't bother us anymore. if you can guarantee that, you're a genius. how did you do it? with no trick at all once i got desperate enough.

we should have done that in the first place. [music] hi, mom. i'm home. already? well, you told me 1:00. i thought you were going to play at tommy's until 4:30. my mom's got a sick headache. his mom gets a lot of sick headaches. every time i go over to tommy's house, his mom gets a sick headache. [music] dennis, you and tommy go outside and play and take charlie with you. you know what we're gonna do? we're gonna train charlie to carry papers. oh, that's a fine idea. when me and dennis grow up, we're gonna be paperboys. yeah. and charlie's gonna be our paperdog. come on, charlie. i got a swell way to teaah you how to bring in the papers.

you see, i'm working very close with my subject. now, every blossom goes into the picture mr. wilson: just as it is on the rosebush. i'm sure you're going to win a first prize with it. can you finish it by saturday night? well, i can finish it tomorrow if i'm lucky. if i can just keep dennis out of my hair for one more day, i'll have the most true-to-life still life of that rose trellis you ever saw. [laughs] [music] mr. wilson sure will be surprised when he sees who's bringing him in his evening paper. and he says charlie is dumb. don't drop it boy. hang on to it. mr. wilson might give you a quarter too. hi, mr. wilson. hi. look who brought in your tonight's paper out of the front yard, charlie. isn't that cute, george? yes, if you like wet newspapers.

oh, what's that? that's a bone, mr. wilson. i can see it's a bone. but that's how we got charlie to carry in the paper. we roll a bone up in it. dennis: he sure is smart, isn't he? so, now, can we have our quarters for staying away all day? yes, you can have your quarter. oh, do you have any change, martha? i'll have to run upstairs. come on in, boys. i think there's some candy in the candy jar. ah-ah-ah-ah-ah, just a minute. you boys may come in, but not him. you take him out there and tie him up somewhere. come on, charlie, come on. you wait here, charlie. i'll bring you some candy too. shall i give him his bone? no, tommy. he might bury it. i'll keep it for him.

dennis, don't leave that dirty bone on the coffee table. i'm not gonna leave it here. i'm just saving it for good old charlie. he loves that bone. well, we'll just save it out in the backyard. you can pick it up on your way home. okay. make sure you don't throw it away. [music] don't worry about our quarters now, mr. wilson. we can get them tomorrow night. we have to hurry home for dinner. [music] i told the wilsons we'd meet them at the art school at 8:00. where's dennis? he's out in the car. he's been waiting there for about 20 minutes. good.

at lake bailey painting what he claims is "my finest work." a fairly modest claim. yes. oh, i do hope he wins something. he's so deadly serious about it. i gather if he can knock off ballard fillmore, he'll be happy. that fillmore is such a pompous man-- hey, mom, you'd better come on. dad we'll be late. charlie's waiting in the car. dennis: let's go. charlie? now, wait a minute, dennis. you can't take that dog with you to the art show. well, gee, mom, we can't leave him here alone. he'll be lonesome. well, he'll just have to get used to it. he'll cry and howl and bother all the neighbors. and you know how lonesome charlie gets, and nobody gets lonesome louder than charlie. well, all right, we'll take him along, dennis. but he has to stay in the car when we get there. and it's one of the finest pictures i've ever painted, mitchell. i showed it to our instructor last night

oh, we're very anxious to see it. we've been looking forward to tonight. yes. and i'm sure you'll like it. well, look at fillmore over there, telling everyone what a great artist he is, no doubt. well, i certainly hope you win tonight. well, thank you, alice. i think fillmore is due for a surprise. well, i hope you have something good this year, wilson. i hear your work has improved a little. we can all stand improvement, fillmore. i'm happy with my entry. good, good. i'm always glad to have a little competition. oh, are you, mr. fillmore? boy, i sure would like to see you paint sometime. well, anytime, young fellow. i'll be glad to have you. do you have a backyard full or do you have to go to the dump? to the dump? to paint. mr. wilson says you paint nothing but junk.

dennis. don't misunderstand, fillmore. what he meant-- what i really said-- what i really said was fillmore paints nothing but junk, and i mean it. i told him, huh, martha? good, george. good for you. dennis decided he had to go down the hall for a minute. he'll be right back. well, just so we know where he is.

and this picture is really exciting, isn't it? such poise. it's quite stimulating, really. ooh, such daring, such verve. oh, yes, very stimulating, very. dashing blend in color. fantastic technique. oh, it's really very exciting. be sure that it's covered well. i'll go and throw open the portals. and so, our judges, mrs. elkins and mr. timberlake, have come to their final decision. third prize goes to a man whom we all know and admire, mr. ballard fillmore.

second prize goes to a man whom we all admire also, a man who whose work this year has shown tremendous improvement, mr. george wilson. george, you won. good work, george. mr. wilson, congratulations. well-- but the biggest news is the discovery of a new and as yet unidentified artist. lady-- shush. this painting was found at our door this morning, unsigned. it's simply terrific. strong colors and extraordinary brushwork. lady, lady. what is it, little boy? i know who painted it, lady-- charlie cooper. you know who the artist is? yes, ma'am. oh-- just a moment, everybody.

--lady. i got him tied right here into the radiator. the artist is here with us now. he's tied to the--radio? this is the artist, lady. a dog? dennis. and charlie. he painted it with his tail, didn't he, mr. wilson? i got it out of your trash box and brought it over here. but a dog, we can't have a-- you won, charlie. i bet mr. wilson isn't gonna call you that dumb dog now. [music] the judges feel that regardless of the species of the painter, art is still art. and since the winning picture was done by both mr. wilson and the dog,

the second prize, of course, goes to mr. wilson by himself. well, then, you can give the third prize to mr. wilson, too. i'm certainly not going to enter my painting in any art competition with a dog. but you already did enter, fillmore. the dog and i beat you, remember? ohh-- good old charlie. you're the only artist in the whole world that painted a picture with his tail and won a prize. [music]

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- are you in a good mood? - huh? - well, beaver wants me to show you something, but only if you're in a good mood, not if you're in a bad mood. - well, i had a miserable day at the office, and a charming dinner, so i guess i can go either way. a football hat, a sweatshirt with numbers on it, and football pants. - oh, he said he only wanted the pants if the other fellas get them. beaver and his friends have formed a football team called "the lightning 11", and he's the captain. - oh, the captain, huh? well, i think the captain oughta have pants, even if the other fellas don't. i'll go up in a little bit and have a talk with the old pro. - me for quarterback, and gilbert for fullback, 'cause he's the biggest guy, and he won't play unless we put him in the backfield. - hey beaver, that's only six guys. how can you call six guys "the lightning 11"? - whoever heard of a football team called "the lightning six"?

it's the kind of name that scares guys. - yeah, who you guys gonna play? - well, the grant avenue tigers, as soon as they get two more guys. - where'd they get that name, "tigers"? - rick rickover's the captain. he's got a shirt with a tiger on it, on account of his father went to princeton. that's a school. - hey beav, you want that eddie haskell and i should coach your team for ya? - it'd be neat if you did, wally. but that eddie, he's a mean guy. - well, i'll do most of the coachin'. eddie'll just kinda hang around. - but he's the kinda guy that even hangs around mean. - nah, i won't let him hang around mean. - then i guess it'd be ok. (knocking at the door) (door opens) - well, beaver, i see you want a little football equipment. - yeah, dad. you think i could please get some shoulder pads, and a helmet with rubber in it, so i can bang my head all i want? - well, i think we can get you a helmet, beaver, but, isn't there something of wally's around here you can use? - well sure, he can use my old football pants,

- [beaver] are they clean or dirty? - [wally] i think they're kinda dirty. - well, if they're dirty, i'll wear 'em, 'cause i don't wanna look brand new all over. - you know beaver, when i was a boy, we didn't have a lot of fancy equipment. matter of fact, to make a helmet, my brother and i used to take an old cap and stuff it with newspaper. - boy, i'd sure hate to run into a goalpost with a hat full of newspaper. - yeah, and then we'd take cardboard and put it in our knickers for knee pads. - and on the way home, did rich ladies give you free soup? - why do ask that? - well, i saw a movie once, where this poor kid was walking down the street, and rich ladies gave him free soup! - boy, you sure must of had a funny-lookin' team, dad. - well, maybe we were, wally. but we managed to enjoy ourselves without a lot of fancy equipment. - does this mean you're not gonna buy me the stuff, dad? - no, beaver. i think i can getcha a helmet and a sweatshirt. i guess today, a kid can't even play marbles without a uniform.

- say, beaver, about this football team, this is the baseball season, isn't it? - for sure, dad, but he's just a kid. what does he care what season it is? (kids playing) - [wally] ok guys, let's go. hey whitey, don't just stand over the ball. crouch down over it. - i'm crouched down up here, but the rest of me won't crouch. - come on, let's go, let's get this show on the road. - ok you guys, line up. - come on, snap into it, you clods. (playful music) - hey, cut it out will ya, eddie? - is it my fault the kid can't get out of his own way? - come on, let's go, beav. uh, we're gonna go out for a few passes now. ok, gilbert, you, uh, go out and cut to the right. one, two, three, hike!

gilbert, i said cut to the right! how come you went left? - i didn't know whether you meant my right or your right. - they're both the same. - let me show these owls how to do it. (playful music) - is that the way we should do it, coach? - well, everything up until he fell down. - [wally] ok you guys, let's get under these punts. - one, two, three, hike! - [beaver] i got it, it's mine, all mine! - hey coach, i think you got him over-trained. - ok you guys, come on back. - hey coach, can i be excused? i gotta go home and take my cod liver oil.

are you gonna let the team down? - my father says, if i don't take my cod liver oil, my teeth'll fall out. - look, kid, what do want to be, all-american, or have teeth? - ok, i'll stay. - ok, uh, everybody over here! ok, now beaver, uh, you take the ball from whitey, and then you pretend to give it to gilbert when he comes through the center of the line. now watch, one, two, three, hike! and then you pretend to watch the whole play, and then, uh, and then after everybody's sucked in, you take the ball and you run around end, and you make a touchdown all by yourself. - hey wally, that's neat. - [gilbert] hey, when am i gonna get to make a touchdown all by myself? - later, gilbert, later. now look, uh, you guys try it. don't goof up anything, beav. - [beaver] signal set. one, two, three, hike! - hey kid, what're you doin'? playin' football, or lookin' for indians?

(playful music) - ok, ok, come on back. that's gonna be our secret play. we'll call it "old 98". come on, hurry up! - boy, wally, these pants of yours are the slowest pants i ever ran in. (eddie laughs) - where you been? - down in the basement, putting in a new bulb. - oh, did you look at those funny-looking bugs on the roses? - uh-huh. - what do you think? - i think they're the funniest lookin' bugs i ever saw. where's the vacuum cleaner you wanted fixed? - it's in the hall closet. hello, wally! - hi, mom. is lunch ready yet? - will be in a few minutes. - oh, well, would it be ok if i asked eddie haskell to stay over for lunch today? - well, i don't know. do you want to go to all the trouble of calling him? - oh, it's no trouble, mom.

it's ok, eddie. - there, ya see, sam, i told you it'd work. - hello, eddie. - oh, hello, mrs. cleaver. wally and i were just discussing our football practice. one of the plays works very well. - yes, doesn't it? - june, i'm gonna need a screwdriver-- oh, hello, fellas. - hi, dad. - how do you do, mr. cleaver? i've been invited to stay for lunch. - well, fine! how's the team coming along? - well, i believe the squad is shaping up. - yeah, some of those guys are kinda ok. - well, that's fine! maybe after a little bit, i could come over and give 'em a few pointers. i played a little football myself. - yes, beaver was telling all the fellas on the field how you used to stuff newspapers in your cap. - i, uh, meant later on, eddie. - of course, mr. cleaver. - where is the beaver? - oh, he and some of the guys stopped off at the soda fountain to kinda show off. he'll be along. - thank you very much for having me to lunch, mrs. cleaver. i hope it's no trouble.

- that will be delicious. (suspenseful music) - hi, penny! - i saw ya playin' football. - i saw ya seein' me. these aren't my pants. - you got a good team, beaver. - oh, it's ok. we're gonna play the grant avenue tigers. - are you gonna beat 'em? - sure, but your brother's on our team. why don't you ask him? - when i ask him stuff, he hits me. - that's 'cause you're his sister. - yeah. most of the tigers are bigger than you fellas. - yeah, but we got a secret play. - what's a secret play? - that's a play that nobody knows about that always wins the game. - is it a good secret play? - sure, my brother made it up. it's called the "old 98".

i get the ball from whitey, and then pretend to hand it to gilbert. then i sneak back. and when nobody's lookin', i run around the end and make a touchdown. - gee, your brother must be pretty smart. - yeah, he's the one that made it up. but, i'm the one that has to do it. well, i gotta go home now. it's ok, penny, you can have the rest of it. i'll see ya. (mischievous music) - hey, look who's here, penny. - hiya, penny. where's your dumb other? - he's not a dumb brother, he plays on the lightning 11. he's gonna beat you dopey tigers. - ah, go on, we'll slaughter 'em. - no, you won't! - sure, we will! - no, you won't, because they've got a secret play, and beaver's gonna make a touchdown when nobody's lookin'. (boy laughs)

- well, beaver pretends he hands the ball to gilbert. but instead, after everyone's fooled, he makes a touchdown. - oh yeah? - [penny] yeah! it's called "old 98". you just wait and see what happens. - how do ya like that, richard? she told us the whole secret play!

(pleasant music) - dear? do you think this saturday you could do something about those funny-looking bugs on the roses? - oh, sure. uh, i think i'll call someone over at the nursery this afternoon, have them come over and look at 'em. - what's wrong with this morning? - well, dear, the lightning 11 is playing the grant avenue tigers this morning. you know, i almost forgot. oh, i wouldn't miss that for anything. (ward laughs) - you think beaver's team'll win? - well, the lightning 11 has recruited another man. they are now seven strong.

so, to quote beaver, they'll "clobber the creeps". (june laughs) - well, if we're going to the football game, i better get my dishes finished. excuse me. - mm-hmm. - hi, mom. - beaver, what happened? you have two black eyes! - heck mom, that's just stuff to keep the sun outta my eyes. - why sure, june. that's just a little coal-black under the eyes, like the old pros use. - well, we couldn't find any coal-black, so we used some of mom's mascara. - only thing is, it kinda smells perfume-y. - don't worry, beav. after you get overheated, nobody'll ever notice it. - i'll tell you fellas, if you wait a little bit, we'll drive you over to the field. - gee, dad. you don't mean you're gonna come over and watch me, do ya? - why, of course, we wouldn't miss it! - don't you want us to? - heck, dad, a guy doesn't want his parents watching him play. make me feel funny! - [june] why beaver, we're just proud of you. - yeah, but what if i fell down and got all bloody. think of the fuss you'd make! - yeah, mom.

and carryin' on in front of people even if he was dyin'. - well, of course, if you don't want us to, why, uh, we'll just stay here and wait for the final score. - well sure, dad, you don't have to worry about anything. i'll be there to call ambulance or a doctor or somethin'. - so long, mom, so long, dad. - so long. - dear, how could you let them talk us out of going to the game? - oh, i kinda remembered how it is. once when i was kid, i was in a swimming meet, and my parents attended. we were doing the breaststroke under water, and during the first lap, my mother jumped up and screamed, "he's drowning!" when i finally came up, i was so embarrassed i wished i had. - come on, let's go. alright, now listen you guys. i want a nice clean game. i don't want any clippin' or punchin' or bitin' or like that, - we're gonna wipe you, beaver. - yeah, we're gonna clobber you! - ok, let's go. beaver's team receives. - hey, aren't you gonna flip for it? - who's runnin' this show?

- hey, a couple of those tigers look kinda big. you want i should, uh, kinda chisel a little? - aw, cut it out, will ya eddie? (whistle) (playful music) (kids playing and yelling) - [kid] ow! get off! - [kid] get your foot out of my face! (whistle) - come on, break it up in here, come on! - let's use the old 98, beav. - not yet, gilbert, we're savin' that. - wonder how the lightning 11 are doing? - hm. - you don't think beaver can get hurt, do you?

well, i, uh, i thought i might just, sort of wander over there accidentally. - i suppose, if i just sort of wandered over, it would be too obvious, huh? - yeah, i think it would. - hey coach, how we doin'? - well, you guys've goofed it up, but, the score's still nothin' to nothin'. so i guess they must've goofed it up pretty good too. - ok you guys, third quarter. - hey wally, should be use ole 98 now? - nah, i think we better save it until we really need it. - boy, wally, if we save it any longer, they'll murder us. - well, ok, go ahead, use it. - signals on, 98, 22, 98... one, two, three, four, hike! (playful music) (kids yelling) (whistle)

- [eddie] second down, 20 to go! - [beaver] let's go, team. - what happened? - i dunno, somethin' musta gone wrong. - i told you we shoulda had a baseball team. - ok, ok. (whistle) (kids yelling) - come on, let's go, break it up! come on, break it up, let's go! it's lightning 11's ball, and one minute to play. - hi, wally. - oh, hi, dad. - i, uh, just happened to be going by. - oh yeah, sure, dad. - how's it going? - well, still nothin' to nothin'. - oh. well, i, uh... i think i'll just hang around a little if it's ok, coach? - sure, dad. - ok, fellas, let's go. (mischievous music)

one, two, three, hike! (playful music) (kids playing and yelling) (whistle) (kids cheering) - what happened, wally? - i don't know. that was our secret play. (whistle) - [eddie] that's it, game's over. well, there ya are, coach. you had to make your brother the star. (disappointed music) - oh, hello dad, did you see it? - yeah, i saw it, beaver, but don't worry about it. you can't win all of 'em. - gee, dad, we can't win any of 'em. (disappointed music) - well, i have a nice lunch ready for the winners.

- that's right dear, the tigers took us, seven, nothing. - well, i'm sure beaver played very well. - oh sure mom, for the other team. - what? - yeah, he did sort of fumble it away. - well, he's just a baby. - yeah, sure, mom. (pleasant music) - you know, i just can't figure out what happened on that play. - well, in competitive sports, wally, accidents like that do happen. - ward, tell wally how you swam the breaststroke, and your mother jumped in and saved you from drowning. - now that's not the way it happened, june, and you know it. - how did it happen, dad? - [ward] some other time, son. - say, where's the beaver? didn't he come home with you? - no, um, he sort of wanted to walk home by himself. - poor little dear. - gee mom, i wouldn't call him that when he gets home, he's pretty mad already.

- hello, beaver. - hi, penny. - did you play football with my brother today? - yeah, i played football with your brother today. - did you win? - no, we didn't win. - then you must've lost. - how'd you figure that one out? - i told the tigers you'd win. and i told that rat harry and that rat richard that you'd win. - guess you didn't tell 'em good enough. - sure i did. i told 'em you were gonna beat 'em, and i told 'em that you had a secret play, and you were gonna fool 'em, and everything! - you told 'em all that? - sure, and they said you didn't have a secret play. and i said, yes, you did, and it was number 98. - why'd you do that?

- you know, penny, you're a real dumb girl. - beaver cleaver! you're a horrible mean boy to say a thing like that! and i hate you, and i'll never speak to you again, as long as i live! (comical music)

- hi! - hi mom. hey mom, do you think this tie looks ok? - yes, it looks alright. you going out tonight? - well, kinda. - well, do you have a date? - well, sorta. - what's the girl's name? - i don't know; eddie hasn't told me yet.

- well, he said he was gonna get me a blind date. i don't know if he is or not, but i figured i'd put on a tie and go along with him. - well, i know you'll always act like a perfect gentleman, won't you, wally? - well sure, mom, i'll be with eddie. - oh yes, i forgot. where's the beaver? - i think he's down talking to dad. - about what? - oh, i don't know, mom. you know how it is. i have enough trouble mindin' my own business. - yeah, dad, and then she said she told richard and harry and all the tigers about our secret play. how could a girl be so dumb as to do somethin' like that? - well, beaver, uh, you told it to her in the first place. that wasn't such a smart thing either. - but, gee dad, i didn't think it was bein' dumb. - well son, i think you've learned something here. never tell anyone anything you don't want repeated. - but, gee dad, i like to talk to people. how can i talk to them if i don't tell 'em stuff? - well, it's alright to talk to people. but if you're trying to keep a secret,

- i guess you gotta be more on your guard with girls than you do with fellas, huh dad? - well, yes, uh... but there's no need to tell your mother i said that. - oh, don't worry, dad. we're a couple of guys that can tell each other stuff. (door opens) - [june] there you are! well beaver, what have you been discussing with your father? - nothin' mom. we were just talkin' like the two of us were men. (comical musical flourish)

starring barbara billingsley, hugh beaumont, tony dow, and jerry mathers as the beaver. - [june] beaver, eat your brussels sprouts. attention people with hearing loss. what i'm about to tell you could change your life.

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- gee mom, i can't. my stomach's filled right up to my throat. - now, no excuses. - hey dad? what time's the game start tomorrow night? - oh i have to look at the tickets. i think it's eight o'clock. (audience laughs) yep, eight o'clock. - [wally] boy, that sure is gonna be a great game. - should be. two of the best pro teams in the country. - mom says we're goin' out to dinner, too. - oh you bet! the cleavers are really gonna make a night of it. and incidentally, beaver, i don't want you horsing around too much tomorrow afternoon because you're gonna be up late. - sure, dad. - beaver. i told you to eat those brussels sprouts. - gee mom, look at my plate! - you just spread them around. ward, tell him to eat. - beaver, go ahead. - ok dad. - yeah, this should be the big game of the exhibition season. - [wally] yeah but, i think the packers'll win it. they're using that double wing back this year. - [ward] that's the only... (audience laughs)

you got a pencil and paper? i'll show you. - [ward] well now i appreciate that. - you see uh, they put one uh, one halfback way out here in the wing. - [ward] i see. - [wally] then they stick an end in here, in the slot, to draw the defense over. - [ward] mm-hmm. what's the fullback doing in all this? - [wally] well, he stays back to block on passes as they send them into motion. - [ward] mmm. (audience laughs) - [june] beaver. - must've dropped in there. - ward, don't you have anything to say? - about what, dear? - beaver's putting brussels sprouts into his pocket. - oh beaver, you shouldn't do that. (audience laughs) they want to use the old double reverses-- - ward, i asked you to see that he ate. - uh, eat, beaver. (audience laughs) - ward could you forget football for just one minute?

- well gee mom, i don't like 'em. - beaver, they're perfectly delicious. why, wally ate every single one of his. - well sure, beav. all you gotta do is hold your breath and gulp 'em down. (ward clears throat) - beaver, why don't you do what your mother wants, son, before they get cold? - gee dad. i can't eat 'em. i don't like 'em. - well june perhaps if uh-- - perhaps nothing. it's the same thing every time we have a green vegetable. now he's gonna eat them and that's all there is to it. all right. beaver, you're gonna sit there until that plate is clean. wally, you can come down for your dessert later on.

- dear, don't you think you're sort of making a mountain out of a brussels sprout? - no ward, i don't. he's getting to be a poor eater and i just can't let him get away with it anymore. he's gonna be sick if he doesn't eat the proper foods. - well i'm sure you're right, dear, but i think he eats as well as any kid. - i'm not interested in any kid, i'm interested in beaver. and i'm gonna just let him sit there until he eats them. - yeah but they're probably cold by now. - it doesn't make any difference. - yeah but a cold sprout, that's about as appetizing as a soggy sponge. - ward, that's unfortunate but he should've eaten them when they were hot. ward, take a peek through the crack in the door. maybe he's eating. - i'll let you two to one. (audience laughs)

(audience laughs) (door slams) - oh i'm sorry. i didn't mean to startle you. - oh uh, that's all right eddie. - well i thought you'd still be at the dinner table and i came by to get a book from wally. - wally's upstairs, eddie. - oh, well i hope i didn't interupt whatever you were peeking at. (audience laughs) - we were peeking at beaver, eddie. we just wanted to make sure he finished his dinner, that's all. - oh. well i guess if you can't trust a child you do have to spy on him. (audience laughs) - wally is upstairs, eddie. - well thank you, mrs. cleaver. - ooh that kid! (audience laughs)

- what do you want, eddie? - hold the fort, kid! they're crackin'! (audience laughs) - you know dear, it's just a few brussels sprouts. maybe we ought to forget the whole thing and just send him up to his room. - very well. if you wish, i'll handle this situation by myself. - you uh, you really mean that? - certainly. - well swell, i think i'll go down and get a paper or something. - [june] a fine father you are! (audience laughs) (door slams) - well what do you want me to do? - i think you should go in there and talk to beaver. - all right. - [june] ward? be firm.

- beaver? - yes, dad? - how long do you propose to sit there? - i don't know. maybe til i die. (audience laughs) - [ward] aww, beaver. look, you've learned in school how important vegetables are, how they're full of minerals and vitamins that you need to, well to give you a balanced diet and to build a strong, healthy body. you know all that, don't you? - yes, sir. - well then why don't you eat your brussels sprouts? - because i don't like 'em. - well then uh, look at it this way. why don't you just forget they're brussels sprouts. pretend they're uh, little heads of lettuce. - i don't like little heads of lettuce, either. (audience laughs) - well, are we eating? beaver, i have had enough of this. now you're either going to eat those brussels sprouts, or you're not going with us to the football game tomorrow night.

- i'll get a sitter and you can stay home. now you just make up your mind. you're not going to? all right, you just go on up to your room. go on! and you just forget about that football game. - [beaver] i'm sorry, i just don't like 'em. - you really mean that about uh, taking the football game away from him? - of course i do! and you're gonna back me up! - oh sure, don't i always back you up, even when you're wrong? - ward, do you think i'm wrong to insist that beaver eat what's good for him? - no, but i think you were a little drastic taking the game away from him. - oh well now just a minute! you're his father! if you'd gotten him to eat, i wouldn't have had to go that far! - i uh, think i'll go get that paper now, dear.

- boy i'd like to get the guy who invented brussels sprouts. - gee beaver, what's wrong with 'em? i like 'em. millions of people like 'em. how come you don't like 'em? - i just don't like 'em. - well look at all the farmers who raise brussels sprouts. you don't wanna put them out of business, do you? - nah. just let 'em sell 'em to the millions of people who like 'em and let me alone. (audience laughs) - nah. hey eddie, pick out the book you want. i'm gonna go down and get my dessert. - gee i can't go to the game. - look, kid. don't worry. i guarantee they'll take ya. (audience laughs) - they said they wouldn't. - ah that's just how parents operate. they like to push you around. (audience laughs) scare you. you got rights, too. - they always tell me i don't know what's best for me, cause i'm just a little boy.

til you're 20, if you let 'em get away with it. - you really think they'll take me to the game, eddie? - sure! they'll let you suffer for a while, then tomorrow they'll come up with some sort of a deal. - what kind of a deal, eddie? - how do i know? just sit around and look sad. they'll break down. (audience laughs) i'll see ya, kid.

(whistling) - [wally] hey what are you doin' sittin' up here? - waitin' for a deal. - [wally] deal? - yeah. mom and dad about takin' me to the big game. eddie said that's how parents operate. (audience laughs) - [wally] gee beav, they didn't say anything about makin' any deal at the breakfast table. - eddie guaranteed it. (audience laughs) - [wally] ah you shouldn't listen to him, beav. anyway, if they were gonna do anything, they'd have done it by now.

eddie said they'd let me suffer for a while. (audience laughs) - [wally] ok, go ahead and suffer. i'm gonna go up and lump my dirty clothes together for mom. (audience laughs) - have you uh, thought any more about last night, dear? - why, i don't think there's anything else to think about. - no, i suppose not. (audience laughs) what sitter are you getting for beaver? - mrs. bronson. - oh mrs. bronson? better call her dear, you know she's pretty much in demand. - well dear, i think i'll call her later. after all, i don't wanna wake her up. - wake her up? well it's 10:30. - i know it is, dear. but after all, she might have been out late last night. - yes, yes that's true. and then of course if you stall around for another hour, she just might've taken another job and we'd have to take beaver.

- ward? ward, i don't know what to do. i just feel terrible about leaving beaver home. but i can't let him keep deciding what he's going to eat and what he's not going to eat. - well you know dear, there just might be another way. - like what? - well uh, suppose beaver would promise that uh, when we have brussels sprouts again, he'd eat 'em. - you think he'd go along with it? - it wouldn't do any harm to put it up to him. - all right, i'd settle for that. - come on, let's go get him down here. - i just hope he isn't up there crying his eyes out. - [ward] oh beaver! - calling me, dad? - uh well, yes. - i thought you would. - [june] well, i'll go up and get wally's laundry.

- [wally] oh hi, mom. i got all my dirty junk together. - good. your father's downstairs talking to the beaver about going to the game tonight. - well anyway, beaver. your mother and i have been sort of discussing the situation, and uh we'd still like to give you a chance to go with us tonight. so uh, we thought we might arrive at some sort of a... - deal? - yeah, i guess you could call it that. anyway, i'll tell you what, son. if you'll agree to eat brussels sprouts the next time they're served, you can go with us to dinner tonight and see the game. well? - well gee dad, couldn't we make another kind of a deal? (audience laughs) - another kind? - yeah. like cutting out my allowance, or makin' me do somethin' i don't like to do like takin' more baths than i have to or something. - beaver, i'm not gonna bargain with you. - but gee dad, i don't want to make a promise and then not be able to keep it.

i'm sure you can keep your promise. - you are? - sure i am. maybe i know you better than you know yourself. - i don't know. - i do. if you promise to eat them, you'd eat them. you can take my word for that. - well, ok. i'll take your word for it. - atta boy! i'll go tell mother it's all settled. - well, it's all settled. he promised. - no ifs, ands or buts? - no sir, a clean deal. - oh ward, i'm so glad he's going. (ward laughs) - i tell you what honey, i'll go call the restaurant and make a reservation for about 6:30. that oughta give us plenty of time to get to the game. - you know something, ward? (kisses) you're a genius. - oh sure, i've been trying to tell you that for years, dear.

- boy, i sure hope we get nice potatoes with our roast beef. - well, i think we will, wally. - hey dad? how come olives are green? - [wally] well you'd be green too if you were in a bottle that long. - olives, dear? - no, thank you. sit up straight, beaver. - put your napkin in your lap, son. beaver! break your bread before you butter it. - sure, beav. you don't think we came out to dinner to have fun, do ya? (audience laughs) - well i think any boy who ate two shrimp cocktails is having fun. - [beaver] sure, dad. i like fish that don't have eyes. i don't like somethin' lookin' at me while i'm eatin' it. (audience laughs) - you are having a good time, aren't you beaver? - sure, mom. i never had a better time my whole life! - [wally] here's our dinner. - [beaver] hey dad, after dinner can i have two desserts? - oh we'll see. - if you can get ice cream on top of your pie,

- coffee, lady? - yes, please. - [june] and milk for the boys, please. (audience laughs) - well uh, brussels sprouts. (laughs weakly) - i think i can find my way home alone. - beaver you promised your father. - i know, but i didn't know it was gonna be this soon. - beaver, sit down. now beaver, you promised. now you go ahead and eat them. - but if i eat them i'm liable to get sick! - you will not be sick! - is there something wrong? - oh no, that's ok, miss. i don't think he's really gonna get sick. - i don't like brussels sprouts. - i can bring you something else,

- [june] no, no, he's going to eat them. - yes ma'am. - i never forced my children to eat anything they didn't want. - yes well i would prefer that he eat them. - poor little dear. (audience laughs) - ward, are you just going to sit there? - no, no uh, beaver, you did promise to eat them the next time they were served. - i know. i thought i could, but i can't. i'll go home, i'm not afraid of the dark. - yeah, and i'll go with him. heck, i didn't wanna see that game anyway. (audience laughs) - he's such a sweet child, don't send him home! (audience laughs) - thank you, madam. - what seems to be the trouble? - no, no trouble at all. - the little fella doesn't like brussels sprouts. - well, that's no problem, sonny. we'll change these for something else. after all, we want everyone to be happy. - thank you very much, but i think we've had about all the happiness

- very well, sir. (laughs) - beaver, this is very embarrassing. now come on, son. just try one. come on, for your dad. (suspenseful music) go on, beaver, swallow it. - yeah yeah, go ahead beaver, come on, be a sport. - you know somethin'? i think it's gonna stay down there! (audience laughs) - fine beaver, try another one. - hey mom, can i still have two desserts?

- boy for a minute there it was pretty close, huh dad? (audience laughs) - yes wally, it was. (crickets) - but dear, why do they have so many time outs at the end of the game? why don't they have some in the middle, when the men are tired, too? - oh well, by saving their time outs, the team that's behind can stop the clock. you see, they used to use the fake injury play, but-- (laughs) look, you had a good time, you enjoyed the game, why spoil it by trying to understand it? - i guess you're right. (laughs) - well, i thought you'd gone up to bed, beaver. - yeah dad, i did. but i came down here to tell you i'm sorry. - sorry? - yeah, i shoulda eaten the brussels sprouts the first time you told me to. - you mean because you found out you like them?

you only tell me stuff like that when it's for my own good. - that's right, beaver. did you think we enjoy nagging at you, and telling you to sit up straight, and eat this and eat that, and don't do this and do that? - sure dad, i thought that was half the fun of bein' parents. (audience laughs) - not at all, beaver. it's something we really hate to do. and we'd rather not have to do it at all. - well gee mom, if i had any kids, i wouldn't do anything for them i didn't want to do. - oh yes you would, beaver. you'd do it because you love them, even if it did hurt you or upset you a little at times. - i'm sorry if i made you miserable at being your kid. - why beaver, you've made us very happy by being our kid. - well from now on, i'm gonna do whatever you tell me to do. - well beaver, i appreciate your saying that, but i don't think we could expect any boy to do everything he's told. - gee dad, why not? - well, well, because sometimes us parents lay it on pretty heavy. and sometimes we ask kids to do things

- hey dad, are you admittin' to sometimes mom and you do make mistakes? - yeah, beaver. i guess i am. - boy dad, that's pretty neat. that's pretty neat. (audience laughs) - go up to bed. - ok goodnight dad, goodnight, mom. - goodnight! - goodnight, beaver. - thanks for the use of the book, wally. - [wally] oh that's ok, eddie. - yeah i read ten pages. i faked a pretty good book report out of it. (audience laughs) - hey you wanna mess around for a while? - no, i gotta be goin'. i promised my father i'd clean the cellar. - gee eddie, i thought you didn't let your parents push you around. - i don't. i just happen to like cleanin' cellars. wise guy. (door shuts) - he doesn't really like to clean cellars, does he, wally? - of course not.

mommy! samantha: yes, sweetheart? is this dollhouse for me? oh, honey, it isn't it looks like a dollhouse. well, um, when miniature houses are used in business, they're called models. daddy's doing the a i can make it bigger. never mind. the builders will make it bigger. i'll show you how it works. now, you see, if you want a larger living room and a smaller dining room, you take this wall and move it there.

looks like the mort now, upstairs, as the family grows, you take this wall and put it here. and you have two bedrooms instead of one. are you sure daddy won't give it to me? i'm afraid not, sweetheart. he needs it for his work. then can i go upstairs and play? sure. sam, will you help me get this out to the car? oh, certainly. it's stuck. let me try it. the lock is jammed. well, you can go out the side door. let's put this down over here.

i wonder if somebody -- if somebody what? uh, l-let's try the kitchen door. terrific. we're trapped. darrin? what? now you can panic.

darrin, i have tried every exit in the house, and they are all un-exitable. did you talk to tab oh, sweetheart, this is big-witch stuff, not little-witch stuff. how long till your meeting? uh, 38 minutes. oh, darrin... darrin, i love you very much. w-what does that have to do with it? nothing. i-i just like to say that in a crisis so you won't get mad at me. mother! mother! [ ding! ] morning, samantha. derwood, why a i'm lazy.

none of our doors or windows will open. really? [ chuckles ] oh, what an original spell! by whom? by someone who disapproves of your marriage and wants to make trouble for it. exactly. now, remove the spe my dear, i didn't cast the spell. witches' honor? witches' honor. well, then who did? who likes to play stupid practical jokes? uncle arthur. uncle arthur. oh, two great minds with but a single thought. mother, now, i can't pop out, so why don't you see if you can track down uncle arthur for us. for us, no. for you, yes. [ ding! ] now, that's strange. uh, w-why don't you try an incantation? perhaps that's what's needed.

who married a buffoon, up, up, and away in my beautiful balloon. [ sighs ] how about that? you have an unexpected houseguest. peachy. oh. well, i guess i'll just have to get uncle arthur to come here to us. uncle -- what's the matter? well, if uncle arthur pops in here, and it turns out not to be his spell, he won't be able to pop out. ah, you're right. don't risk it. it's bad enough being stuck here with your mother. darwin, you apologize or i'll blast you into lunar orbit. [ chuckles ] you can't. we're all stuck here together. i could fly him around the house a bit. mother. or i could make him invisible. that way, i wouldn't have to look at him. mother, stop kidding around. who's kidding? [ telephone rings ] hello.

it's larry. hi, larry. what's new? what's new is, where is darrin? he's due here for an important meeting. w-- larry, i was just about to call you. darrin's stuck. what do you mean, he's stuck? that's the wrong word. he's, um, stricken with illness. well, we don't know yet. the doctor's examining him now. i hope it's nothing serious. but if it is, will you please call me back right away, sam? then i'll try to postpone the meeting for an hour or so. larry! [ chuckles ] just joking. i'll call you later. a-all right, larry. bye-bye. well, was he furious? no. no, of course not. he places your health above everything...practically. this will be very cozy. a few short hours, days, weeks, months, years in the bosom of my family. darrin, where are you?

where's "in here"? i was trying to climb up the chimney. sweetheart, you know there's not enough room for you to climb up that chimney. of course i kno but i'm slowly losing my grip on my sanity. may i have your handkerchief? [ sighs ] darrin, i love you very much. you already said that. i'm repeating it for emphasis. i love you, too, honey. but there is a limit to my endurance. do you know what our marriage is like? old macdonald's farm -- here a spell, there a spell, everywhere a spell, spell. what's your answer to that? e-i-e-i-o? [ telephone rings ] i'll bet that's larry again. what shall i tell him?

hello? oh, hi, larry. nice to hear from you. how's darrin? his condition is unchanged. but what did the doctor say? the doctor said -- h-he said we should consult a specialist. [ doorbell rings ] there he is now. i'll call you when i know something definite. bye-bye. my compliments to your sound man. i was playing with my grandchildren, and in my objective opinion, they're both brilliant -- from their mother's side. what's that? it's a model of a unique house designed by one of darrin's clients. it has movable walls. oh. [ chuckles ] big deal. i've been thinking. you know whose spell this might be? esmeralda's. when she babysat two nights ago,

shall i yoo-hoo for her? i'm so anxious to get out of here, i'm even reconsidering your calling uncle arthur. besides, the more, the merrier. yoo-hoo! esmeralda? [ ding! ] yes, samantha? oh, mr. stephens, i assumed you would be at your office. so did i. uh, excuse me, mother. esmeralda, uh, we have a problem. when you babysat two nights ago, did you cast any spells? no, i didn't. mr. stephens... i must apologize for letting you see me this way, but i have a date tonight, and i was just giving myself a beauty treatment. [ chuckles ] endora, guess who finally asked me out. cary grant? no. ulysses grant? no. ramon verona.

verona? have you ever been to the interplanetary playboy club? oh, frequently. is he a member? he's the salad chef. i've had my eye on him for 75 years, and this is the first time he ever gave me a tumble. uh, e-esmeralda... why don't you sit down? uh, w-we have some news for you. good news or bad news? good and bad. the bad news is that, uh... you won't be able to keep your date tonight because you're a prisoner. well, what's the good news? the good news is...

endora, now what have you done? since tabitha can't play outside, i've given her things to play with inside.

get rid of them? where? [ doorbell rings ] [ doorbell rings ] what's this for? for my granddaughter. mother, you have a lot to learn about being a houseguest. [ doorbell ringing ] that's larry. make him go away, but don't offend him. i won't. i'll be nice and friendly and tell him the house is sealed off by witchcraft. okay. offend him. who is it? sam, it's me -- larry. oh, hi, larry. what can i do for you? you can open the door and let me in. i'm sorry. i'm afraid you'll have to stay outside. why?

contagious? with what? with a contagious disease. okay, but would you mind getting me the model? i need it for the meeting. oh, i couldn't do that, larry. why not? we're under quarantine. darrin's germs are all over that house. sam, will you please open the door so we don't have to shout at each other?! goodbye, larry. love to louise. sam! sam, come back! [ sighs ] oh, tabitha, look at that. oh, boy. will you push me on the swings, grandmama? certainly, darling, sit down. well, has anyone come up with an idea about how i can keep my date with ramon verona? esmeralda, ramon verona is the least of our worries. mr. stephens, you wouldn't say that

who seldom gets a shot at romance. esmeralda. i'm surprised at your lack of sensitivity. esmeralda, would you take tabitha upstairs while i try to consult dr. bombay? come along, tabitha. come along. i may only be a maid, but i still have feelings. samantha, why consult bombay? who's sick? i am. i have a con it's about to change me into a raving maniac. the change will be imperceptible. paging dr. bombay. paging dr. bombay. emergency. come right away. [ ding! ] hey! ha ha! i've been having a bull session with my nurse. where's your red cape? i dropped it making a pass at her. [ laughs ] dr. bombay, we have a peculiar problem.

today nothing is easy to get rid of. anyone or anything who's here stays here. none of our doors or windows will open. diagnose that, bull artist. the diagnosis, bigmouth and others, is elementary. it's a vapor lock. i thought that only happened in automobiles. [ grumbles ] ignorant, isn't he? i'll run a spot check with my atmospheric oscillator. [ ding! ] no home should be without one. [ humming, beeping ] hmm... aha! just as i suspected. 80 over 60. is that bad? it's terrible. normal is 3 over 4/5. maybe you're holding it too close to derwood. derwood is entirely irrelevant. i'll buy that.

i'm in favor of relieving the suspense with a little humor. please continue just as you wish. it's definitely a vapor lock. would you mind refreshing our memory on what that is? i'll try. where most witches live, the art of witchcraft is practiced continually. but when you married a mortal, your use of witchcraft was sharply curtailed. who said so? darrin, don't inter this atrophy of action causes the undistributed metaphysical particles to clutter up the e mospheric continuum, thereby creating a bilateral transcendental trauma, or in layman's terms, a vapor lock. why didn't i think of that? dr. bombay, now that you know the cause, do you have a cure? i can answer your question in three parts. "a" -- i can cure it with a simple incantation.

because the incantation must be done from the outside, and i can't get there because we are vapor-locked. and "c" -- because i'm anxious to get back to my nurse, i have an idea that will allow you to slide me under the door. aren't you a little bulky for that? [ chuckles ] you merely transfer me to a flat surface, such a and slide me under the door. and then i can redimensionalize you. precisely. why didn't i think of that? go ahead, samantha. photograph me. oh, just a second. this is my best side. say "cheese." cheese. [ clicks ] [ ding! ] how did it turn out?

to make this house again conventional, that dr. bombay be three-dimensional. [ ding! ] heed my solution to air pollution. obey the doc. vanish, vapor lock. ohh! [ crash ] there went a great doctor. anything else?

nothing, doctor. just thank you very much. don't thank me, my dear. just thank modern medicine. [ laughs ] [ ding! ] the field is clear for takeoff. which i hope you do just as soon as you turn t he's not much of a father, is he? mother, wait a minute. darrin, i have an idea. instead of popping this out, why not shrink what for? well, if they can make interior walls move, maybe they can make the roof move, too, and create an indoor/outdoor play yard. i-i don't follow you. mother, would you shrink the equipment and put it where the backyard would be? [ ding! ] i'll demonstrate. they could make a sliding roof. [ tinkles ] when the weather's bad, children can play outside under the shelter. just like tabitha couldn't go out to play today,

that's not a bad idea. not bad? it's brilliant! it might be, at that. i could tell larry the reason i was late is that i was stalling until the miniature playground equipment got here. i better go. endora? yes? i never thought i'd say this, but you've been a big help. samantha, what would your husband do without us? i don't know, but let's not ever let him find out. you're late for work. you grab your 10-gallon jug of coffee, and back out of the garage. right into your wife's car. with your wife watching. she forgives you... eventually. your insurance company, not so much. they say you only have their basic policy. don't basic policies cover basic accidents? of course, they say...

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hi, sweetheart. hi. how'd it go? well, i had a very shaky beginning. now, i told larry your idea about the indoor/outdoor play yard, and he hated it. ohh. but he agreed to let me mention it to the client at the meeting, and the client loved it. and now larry loves it, too? right.

and i owe it all to you. even my idea about how to advertise it. "for those days when you can't get out of the house." [ ding! ] samantha, will you help me? what's the matter? i'm supposed to meet ramon verona for dining and dancing on jupiter, but there's something wrong with my radar. esmeralda, a gentleman warlock is supposed to call for a witch in person. ramon is no gen [ both chuckle ] i've landed on mars and venus and pluto, but i just can't seem to hit jupiter. jupiter's a toughie. will you send me? i'd be happy to. special delivery. [ ding! ] happy landing. uh, sweethear i helped us, too. how? i distributed metaphysical particles

of, um, using my witchcraft once a day. once a day? once every two days? once a week? once in a while? -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com [ ding! ] why is it that you are, cousin, drudging around the kitchen like a slave? serena, doing housework is one of the joys of living it means you're d well, you didn't develop biceps doing it. instead, why don't you break out and join me and the maharaja of jadavpur.

well, i appr but i have a day you wouldn't believe. and tote that barge and lift that bale. that's on tomorrow's list. [ telephone rings ] hello? oh, hello, mrs. mrs. stephens, i'm surprised to find you at home. you were suppos oh, but there must be some mistake. i thought it was tomorrow at 11:00. no. i have you down here for today, and i'm counting on you. i'm sorry, and i'll be there as soon as i can. serena, have i ever asked you to do me any favors? yes. you've asked me to get lost often enough. oh, serena, this is for sending underprivileged kids to summer camp. yes, but -- all you'd have to do is take my place

selling chances to people passing by. it's really very simple. even you could do it. somehow, i don't think i'm being flattered. oh, well, on second darrin would have a fit. i'll do it! [ laughs ] [ ding! ] um, just one more thing. would you make that skirt just a smidgen longer? killjoy.

[ tinkles ] [ laughter ] now you're using good common sense. listen, larry, you know as well as i do your company has done a great job over the years for dinsdale soups, but let's face it. we've got to close up that generation gap. when am i gonna meet this young, bright genius who's gonna turn the trick? tonight at my house, along with some other members of my staff. hi, there. hi. would you be interested in sending a boy to camp and making a girl happy? yeah.

see you tonight. how about you, sir? huh? what? how about me for what? send a boy to camp? oh, sorry. all of my charitable contributions are made to the george dinsdale foundation. oh? who's george dinsdale? [ chuckles ] silly girl. me. but if you'd like t i might consider some out-of-pocket charity. what do you say? depends. how much have you got in your pocket? well, let's see. two fives and, uh... three dimes and a cough drop. i'll take the cough drop. i just got a chill [ laughs ] oh, my hunch was right. you are something else. you have no idea. do you know what i'm gonna do for you? what?

groovy. there's somethi that has its own special excitement. it's like the start of a big-game hunt. don't tell me you're a hunter, too. no, no, no. i can find my safaris in the jungles of new york, paris, and london. and may i say you are the wildest game i have ever hunted. [ chuckles ] careful. maybe you're the chicken and i'm the hawk. oh, you do have beautiful hands. thank you. and the longest lifeline i've ever seen. it runs in the fami i see something else. i see lunch tomorrow at this table. look harder...

i have to go to a business dinner tonight, unfortunately. well, if you got to go, you got to go. would you consider coming with me? if you think that's my kind of evening, i'm a little disappointed. you're right. lost my head. lunch tomorrow. where do i pick you up? right here. ciao. ciao. so glad you could come. thank you. here you go, george. very cold, very dry, with a twist of lime instead of lemon. you know, i've got to try that sometime. thanks, larry. where's this wonder boy of yours? oh, he's got to be here any minute. [ doorbell rings ] hi, louise. i'm sorry we're late.

you better go right on in. they're waiting for you here he is, g a great pleasure, mr. dinsdale. and the charming mrs. stephens. hello. two ice-cold martinis coming right up. i'm looking forward to our meeting tomorrow, mr. dinsdale. i'm very enthusiastic about some of the ideas i've worked up for dinsdale soups. i think you're gonna like what i have. i already do. pardon? i mean, i appreciate your enthusiasm, stephens. darrin, i, uh... i'm sure you know your way back to the bar better than i do. i wonder, uh... oh, sure. i like it stirred slowly -- at least, uh, 50 turns in the pitcher. i see we have the same taste in martinis excuse me. as well as beautiful women. well, thank you very much. uh, how come the 50 turns in the pitcher? it gives us more time. for what? for what? [ chuckles ] and you thought this was gonna be a dull party. i did?

how could i know about this? about what? well, what else? you and me. i tell you, fate must be dealing those cards to us. it's kismet. the gods h you know what i mean? yes. yes, i know exactly what you mean, and i suggest you put it right out of your mind. oh, you mean until tomorrow? mr. dinsdale, you are laboring under a misapprehension. now, if i may make a carefully considered suggestion. sure. knock it off. oh, i love it. i love it when th you know, you're even more striking now than you were this afternoon? i-i think we better go back and join the others bef-- this afternoon? of course. what are you worrying about? nobody can hear us. at the huntington hotel? a name that will be etched in my memory forever. oh, mr. dinsdale, i'm afraid i owe you an apology.

no, you didn't. i-i mean no. no. you didn't meet me. well, i mean, you met me, but it wasn't me you met. keep talking. you're beautiful the way you -- will you listen? now, my cousin serena took my place at the hotel this afternoon to sell those raffle tickets. we look a great deal alike, and sometimes...oh, dear. well, it's much too complicated to explain right now. it's all right. i get it. oh, the games that people play. just be there at the luncheon date. your date is with s serena, samantha. "a rose by any other name." just tell your cousin to be there.

serena! serena! serena!

what can i do for you, cuz? for one thing, you can stop being me. what are you talking about? don't play innocent with me. innocence is not my bag. i am talking about a certain george dinsdale. i don't know why you're so uptight. it's perfectly innocent. he's very good-look well, turn him off! okay, okay. don't bust your broom. [ ding! ] hi, there. hi, there. forgive me. i'm terrible with names. the password is "send a boy to camp." samantha!

i didn't recognize i was beginning to think you had chickened out. i took the liberty of ordering. george, there's something i have to tell you. i can't get over that wig. that's what i have to tell you. it isn't a wig. yesterday -- that was a wig. well, who cares? let's not waste time on small talk. samantha was in a spot yesterday, so i took her place to sell those raffle tickets. i tell you, i am serena. okay, okay, so you're serena. just as long as i've made that perfectly clear. perfectly. now, there's something i've got to know before we go any further. what? what about darrin what about him? well, you know -- how do you feel about him? oh, well... he's all right. what does that mean?

that's just wha [ chuckles ] oh, believe me, i would love to stay and pla but i have to fly, so if you'll excuse me. well, wait. what about lunch? besides, i haven't begun to talk about me. sure, we have. in fact, we just finished. oh, samantha, stay and at least have one more drink. oh, waiter. [ ding! ] waiter. another round for me and the young lady. young lady? yes. sama-- oh, mr. dinsdale. you're a naughty girl. i am? i didn't think you were the type that got, uh, cold feet. well, i don't. not even in the coldest weather. may i come in? of course. serena did show up at the luncheon, didn't she?

and she did clear up the misunderstanding? mm-hmm. look, i'm tired of playing these kind of games. oh! well, s-so am i. especially without a referee. please! mr. dinsdale, what went on at that lunch? oh, samantha, will you stop this charade? look, i know what's bugging you. you do? of course i do. and frankly, i agree. the fact is... it's because your husband is still doing business with me, and i make it a rule never to do business with a man while i'm seeing his wife. it puts me at if you know what i mean. yes, i know exactly what you mean. where were you when they were handing out characte let's be adult about this thing. i have solved our problem. i have fired darrin off the account. what?! and now that i've cleared the way for our happiness, how about showing a little gratitude? mr. dinsdale, in about two seconds,

will you please let go and listen?! oh, all right! okay. now, i'm gonna try once more to clarify things. i am samantha. you are samantha. i did not meet you at the hotel yesterday. you did not meet me at the hotel yesterday. that was my cousi that was your cousin serena. will you stop parroting me? you're right. let's both stop talking. mm! okay. you asked for it. [ ding! ] [ squawks ] sam? oh, uh, hi, larry, darrin. is dinsdale here? what makes you think he's here? he didn't show up for the meeting, and betty told us he'd phoned for your address. [ squawks ] where'd the parrot come from? oh, uh, well, he belongs to a neighbor.

dinsdale: hi, darrin. [ laughs nervously ] isn't that cute? i just taught him to say that. wow. that usually takes months. oh, he's a very apt pupil. maybe we ought to try dinsdale's hotel again. i'm dinsdale. you taught him that, too? yes, well, i figure i don't understan you'd go and borrow the bird again? you said it. i didn't. listen, if he can say dinsdale's name, maybe we ought to buy the parrot, take him over to the hotel, go up to his room, and spring it on him. well, i guess i'll go on home. let me know if you hear from dinsdale. i'm dinsdale. i'm dinsdale. oh, shut up and eat your crackers. [ squawks ] see you, sam. y-yeah, larry! [ door closes ]

goodbye. goodbye. four score and seven years ago... four score and seven years ago... [ squawks ] fantastic. i've never heard of a parrot that could learn that quickly. yes. well, there's a good explanation for that. oh? yes. um...it isn't a parrot. you could have fooled me. what is it? it's a george dinsdale. very funny. now will you change him back?! darrin, it's not going to do any good until we can convince him that there are two of us. now, you take him into the kitchen while i try and get hold of serena. okay. [ squawks ]

well, it isn' just get him out of the room. serena? did you get in touc yes. she's getting ready. may i have a glass of water? can't it wait till it's not for me. and, darrin, don't be surprised at anything i might say or do. you're kidding. [ tinkles ] just a few more sips and you'll feel better. [ coughing ] what happened? tell him what happened. you felt a little faint and asked for some water. yeah, some water. i must have had i -- what am i doing in here? apparently he doesn't remember about wanting the meeting changed. no. no, he doesn't.

i did? and i'm glad we got that little matter straightened out about me and my cousin serena. oh, now, that i remember. as a matter of fact, she's here. come on. hi, georgie porgie. i can't believe it. there really are two of you. i thought i'd never hear you say that. i owe you a profound apology. it's perfectly all right. no, no, no, no what can i do to make up for my grotesque behavior? well, you could begin by apologizing to darrin. stephens, what can i say? well, what i'd like to hear you say is that you'll read the material i prepared for you. i don't have to. under the circumstances, i love it. love it! and speaking of that...

i'm having dinner -- with you. followed, i imagine, by an evening of dancing, merrymaking, and.. et cetera. what time shall i pick you up? why wait? what's wrong with starting the evening this afternoon? mm, lady, i like your style. again, forgive me. ta-ta, cuz. dumbo. [ laughs ] hi, folks. i'm matt mccoy. for people as experienced as you and me... [ tires screech ] ...careful driving just comes naturally. all that experience should be worth something. and it is...

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[ doorbell ri oh. may i come in?

a little -- a little something to reinforce the apology. oh, well, thank you, but it really wasn't necessary. well, good to see you, george. hi, darrin. i'd offer you a drink, but i have a hunch you wouldn't accept. you'd make a great bookie. i was wondering if you knew how to get in touch with serena. i owe her an apology. did something go wrong the other night? well, i-i must have had a-a bit too much to drink. what happened? well, serena and i were dancing, and the music was playing real soft. kind of prehistoric-style, you know? and i was singing fly me to the moon and then the next thing i knew, i was on my way. i just got to find her and apologize to her. well, it's a little hard to tell where serena will be at any given moment.

but i'll give her your message. and in the meanti as a matter of fact, i'd be rather pleased. what do you mean? well, you made the trip a lot easier and a lot cheaper than the guys from nasa. -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com mom. [laughing] well... well... well, what are you doing here? oh, i was just passing by. i got lonely. oh, well. well... you're just passing by. well, bridgeport is a thousand miles from here, mom. oh, do you think it's right for a mother to be separated from her son by a thousand miles? let me look at you. you look terrible. that service haircut, and you look so thin. well, i brought everything for you. yeah? uh, organically grown food.

i-i thought you said you were sending this under a separate cover. separate cover decided to deliver. [chuckles] oh, i worry about you, anthony. but no more. if the mountain won't come to mohammed, then mohammed comes to the mountain. that mountain's gonna get crowded, ma. and i'm here. good. to stay. wonderful. permanently. permanently. p-permanently? you know, mohammed is kidding. mother, i really would love to have you stay, but i'm kind of short of room. oh, whenever did a mother need room? oh, this place is a mess. but as soon as i unpack, i'll clean it up. oh, it's a lovely house, anthony. but it certainly needs a woman's touch. hm.