i-i thought you said you were sending this under a separate cover. separate cover decided to deliver. [chuckles] oh, i worry about you, anthony. but no more. if the mountain won't come to mohammed, then mohammed comes to the mountain. that mountain's gonna get crowded, ma. and i'm here. good. to stay. wonderful. permanently. permanently. p-permanently? you know, mohammed is kidding. mother, i really would love to have you stay, but i'm kind of short of room. oh, whenever did a mother need room? oh, this place is a mess. but as soon as i unpack, i'll clean it up. oh, it's a lovely house, anthony. but it certainly needs a woman's touch. hm.

looks as if it hadn't been dusted for a year. yeah, well, mother, there's no reason for you to bother with that. why don't you act like a guest? oh, whoever heard of a mother as a guest? yes, well... oh-ho. dust, dust, dust. you are a typical bachelor, anthony. sloppy. i'll just unpack. see the dust? [wind howling] well, you certainly have a cool ocean breeze.

you could catch cold. look. huh? where? over there. what is it? oh, that poor little plant, it's dying. dying just like a dog. well, it's lucky i got here on time. [chuckles] yeah.

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[ ] and no more hurricanes, you understand? yes, master. but there was no dust. shhh. to a mother, there was dust. yes, master. we have to make her as comfortable as possible while she's here. mother: where do you keep the vacuum cleaner? i vacuumed it myself this morning! [whispers] shh! jeannie, please. uh, don't bother, mother. look, all we have to do is convince her that i'm well cared for, and she'll go home. ha. that is impossible. your house is too dirty, your hair is too short, you are too thin. yeah, look, she's my mother. let's just humor her while she's here, hm? okay? yes, master.

i can't-- i can't-- oh, she would love that. would you please come get me out of this quickly? oh, but you look so much better. get me out of this-- come on. i mean it. that's better. that's much better. now, you. go, go on, get out. oh. please? anthony, i'm going to get us a little lunch. oh. ah. how can anyone live just on ice cubes? [laughs] just lucky, i guess. it's amazing you haven't starved to death without me to look after you. no bread.

sorry, mom. no vegetables. mom, i-- i've already set the table. we can have lunch. oh! you had it set in. yes. [laughing] well, it's cold. a man should have a hot meal in the middle of the day. mustard? thank you. oh, that'll be fine. mother, i wish you'd let me take the couch and you take my bed. i wouldn't dream of it. but i want you to be comfortable. a mother doesn't have to be comfortable. well, then be uncomfortable in my bed. i'll be uncomfortable in the way i want to be uncomfortable. okay, but you call me if you change your mind, mom. yes, dear. good night. good night. now you get to bed. an astronaut needs his sleep.

oh, my. i shall sleep tight tonight. [creaks] [knocks] anthony! anthony! what is it? what is it, ma? there is a door under my sheet. a door? oh, you sweet boy. you remembered about your mother's bad back. [chuckles] so thoughtful of you. you remembered that i always slept on a board. how could i forget? oh, there aren't many sons who would think of a door for their mother's bed. no, not many, ma. there. let me help you.

nothing's going to wake me now. good. oh, here. [groans] ah. thank you, dear. good night. good night. [plays "reveille"] [panting]

[jeannie shrieks]

ma? oh, anthony? what is it, dear? do you want something to eat? no. what was that racket? i was dreaming. what a dream i had. we were in bridgeport, right in the main street. and they were giving you a parade. oh, it was beautiful. ticker tape, trumpets, drums, cymbals. boom! i thought i heard a-- a cannon. imagine, a parade for my son. anthony the astronaut. tony the tired. oh, dear, why, of course you are after all that excitement. now, you go right back to sleep. okay. good night, ma. sweet dreams. good night.

why aren't you married? what? i-i brought some things, um, for you to see. do you remember daphne? daphne? yes. she was the athletic one. oh, you used to canter off into the woods together. do you remember? well, not at 3:00 in the morning i don't, mom. or perhaps it's eleanor you remember. eleanor. with the adorable freckles. freckles. don't you remember her? yes, she always wanted to be a nurse. oh, what a beauty. mom, i really gotta get some sleep, come on. i'll bet it's eleanor you remember. we'll talk about it in the morning. good night. how many times have i told you not to come in here without knocking? what is it? oh. uh, nothing. good night, darling.

i have a mother-in-law problem. you can't have a mother-in-law problem. we're not married. i gotta get some sleep. how long is she going to stay? i don't know. i think she's moved in. well, i do not think there's room enough for all of us here. let me worry about this. you got plenty of room in your bottle. just go pop in. i gotta get some sleep. i'm exhausted. very well. what the--?

doctor, it's so nice of you to drop in to see me. not at all, mrs. nelson, i've been looking forward to meeting tony's mother. oh, thank you. i've been so worried about tony. so have i. and frankly, i'm relieved that you're here. are you? i've known your son for some time now and i feel that he could use a sort of sober helping hand. you mean a mother's hand? yes. and you're so beautifully normal. [giggles] yes, i'm just as normal as anthony is. oh, he's such a darling. do you know, last night he had me sleeping on a door? he had you sleep on a door?

oh, of course, he's just an average son. i'm just an average mother. i'd like to be an average grandmother. oh, i'm sure that will come in time. he needs some nice girl who would look after him properly. he can't go on living in this dust bowl. [coughing] i think... it's getting a little misty in here. perhaps if i-- if i close the windows? oh, uh, they're closed. would you have an apricot cookie? oh, yes, thank you. i, uh-- i can't see them. i made them myself this morning. where are they? you know, if it wasn't for me anthony would never have a home-cooked meal. the last time i was in a fog like this was at sea on the atlantic. oh, really? did you have a nice crossing? [foghorn sound] oh, what was that?

in the living room? [blowing] oh, doctor. you backed into the teapot. oh, excuse me, i, uh... perhaps you could, uh, steer me in the right direction. oh, certainly. oh, thank you. oh, here we are. i do hope you'll come again on a clear day. yes, another time, yes, when i've consulted my barometer first. oh. oh. ooh! whoa! oh, i'm sorry you don't like fog. well... oh! well, i've never been crazy about it. oh, uh, excuse me, i had a hat, mrs. nelson. i'll get it. yeah, right over there. thank you. you're welcome. i don't understand.

there's no fog out there. now, now, doctor. it's best not to get emotional about the weather. yes. good day. good day. psychiatrists. always something a little peculiar. oh, hi, ma. smells great. i'm cooking all of your favorite dishes. just as i did when you were a little boy. oh, well, i don't want you to go to all this trouble. i'll take you out for dinner. out? oh, you don't like my fried chicken. and apple dumplings. oh, no-- with plenty of sugar and spice. i love it, i do. it's just that... oh! you'd like to get out of the house? yeah, i sure would, yeah. all right. we'll take it with us. take it where?

we'll have a picnic. okay, sure, just the two of us, huh? that's a wonderful idea. i can't go out of the house with my hair like this. well, it looks fine. it's a mess. no. give me a mirror. well, mom, i can't get you-- oh, here. why, it looks as if i have sequins over my eyebrows. yes, well, that's the atmospheric conditions combined with the kreptactic light sequentials. kreptactic light sequentials. isn't science wonderful? it's nice. yeah, it looks fine. you know, anthony? there's something about the cocoa beach climate that is amazing. yeah, it's enough to curl your hair. [giggling]

more chicken, anthony? oh, mom, i couldn't. oh, you've scarcely eaten anything. [laughs] four pieces of chicken, a half pound of potato salad and three apple dumplings? it's getting a little chilly. why don't you put on your jacket, dear? no, i'm not cold, ma. oh, you need some nice girl to look after you. some nice, old-fashioned girl. oh, i had the most marvelous dream last night. i dreamt that you met the perfect girl. she was blonde and beautiful. she could cook, she could sew and bright. she wore thick glasses. you could see that she was fond of children. and what a sense of humor. well, ma, you can't take dreams too seriously.

there she is. that's the girl. isn't she lovely? yeah. cooks, sews and is intelligent. i beg your pardon, miss. but would you tell me where you are from? bridgeport. bridgeport. anthony, did you hear that? may i see your left hand? you aren't married. tell me you aren't married. i can tell you, she's not married. oh, my. do i have an astronaut for you.

[ ] are you sure you don't wanna stay for just a few more days, ma? oh, now that you have met jeannie, i feel that i can leave you alone. she'll take very good care of you. oh, i will take very good care of him. well, i don't see why you have to just rush off, you know. oh, i was going to keep it for a secret. but this morning, i received a special delivery letter from bridgeport. i won the do-or-die sweepstakes. [chuckles] oh. both: a free trip to sunny spain. yeah. isn't that exciting? [laughing] yeah. i've never been to spain. i just can't wait. it's gonna be wonderful for you, mother. bellows: major nelson. ah-ah! not here. oh, well, i will go upstairs and see if you left anything there. yeah, i'll go with you. oh, major nelson. come in, doctor. ah.

forgive me for barging in like this, but i, uh-- i heard you were leaving, and i just want another chance to exam-- i mean, to wish you bon voyage. oh, how kind of you, doctor. thank you. uh, doctor, i must tell you. anthony has found the most wonderful girl. nothing serious, i hope. what do you mean? well, uh, forgive me, but in my opinion, your son is not ready for marriage. oh, i almost forgot. i brought you some flowers for your trip, mrs. nelson. oh, how thoughtful. i, uh-- how delightful. i hope they match your dress. i always... how wonderful. onions. onions? scallions. oh, how thoughtful. i saw them put carnations in the box. i smelled the carnations. did you? yes.

there's something about this house. i must be going. it's happening again. [roger whistles] bootsie nightingale. boy, i've always been crazy about her. yeah. sounds like mrs. bellows cooked up a swinging affair for a change. yeah, you may have a problem. what do you mean? well, jeannie. you and all those beautiful women? she probably won't even let you go. oh. don't worry about jeannie. i'll take care of her. how? i'll lie. [ ] i have to go, jeannie. it's--it's business. i really don't want to. well, if the benefit party is not any fun, master, why do they call it a ball? it's just an expression. people give these parties to raise money, and everybody goes and has a terrible time.

thanks. so, i will go too. huh? i'll take charge of the entertainment. i'll have elephants, jugglers, clowns, lions and tigers-- and i'll have a full-fledged general court-martial. no, thank you very much. it's very kind of you, jeannie, but i'll just have to suffer for one night. oh, master, you are so brave. yeah, well... sometimes we all have to give a little extra.

[ bootsie, baby, please. it's a benefit for a hospital at the space center in florida. you're boring me, sweetie. but every big shot in the space program will be there.

i'm gonna have a career in space? the newspapers, television, radio, there'll be reporters and photographers all over the place. and there you'll be, sweetheart, looking beautiful and gorgeous telling them about your next picture, huh? now, you gotta do this. would i be the greatest manager in the business if i didn't know what i was talking about, now would i? kiss herman. oh, i don't wanna kiss herman. now, would you listen to me, bootsie? i got a great idea that's gonna get your picture on the front page of every newspaper in the country. you will be america's sweetheart. kiss herman. ain't you even gonna ask me what the great idea is? will you ask me already? what's the great idea? you know what you're gonna do at the benefit ball at the space center, huh? you're gonna get yourself engaged to a handsome astronaut. huh? oh! oh, we love it!

[ ] have a good day, master. oh, i'm gonna have a wonderful day, jeannie. hi, jeannie. hi. hello, major healey. oh, no fireworks, huh? fireworks? of course not. then it's all right about saturday night? let's go, roger. oh, you mean about the ball? of course. i am going to stay home, and major nelson will go. yeah, well, you sure have the all-american know-how. yeah, let's go. bootsie nightingale, here we come. yeah. see you later. what is a bootsie nightingale? oh, um, uh, tell her, roge. oh, didn't you tell her about bootsie nightingale? tony: no. oh, bootsie nightingale is an award. it's an oscar. the movies have their oscars, and the, uh, tv have their emmys. and the hospital benefits have their bootsie nightingales. yeah, that--that's right. wh-what do you think of that? not much.

roge, um... bootsie nightingale is a movie star. and she's gonna be a guest at the benefit ball. now you're in trouble. tony: no, don't be silly. jeannie understands about these things, don't you, jeannie? oh, yes. that is why you are in trouble. i will not let you go to a party with a movie star. oh, i'm not going with bootsie nightingale. i may not even meet her. there'll be a hundred people there. a hundred and one. no, you're not going. oh, but why? well, because i have a--a lot of the guests to take care of. yeah, and there's going to be a lot of guests that need taking care of. and you will not be with this footsie nightingale? [chuckles] "bootsie." bootsie nightingale. i'm afraid the old girl will just have to find herself another escort. she's old? uh, she used to play opposite rudolph valentino. rudolph valentino? aristophanes. oh. she is old. well, i'll-- i'll see you later.

jeannie: master. i just remembered, i have a perfect dress to wear. it was designed by cleopatra, and mark antony loved it. oh, well, let him give a party for you. you're not coming to this one. now, where are you, jeannie? is it because you would be ashamed of me? ah, you know that's not the reason. you know that. jeannie? jeannie? [sighs] well, you know how i feel about you. i'd never be ashamed to take you any place. i bet you'd look beautiful in cleopatra's gown. maybe you can wear it some other time. maybe she'll give-- if you're busy with cleopatra, i can come back. no, sir. i wasn't speaking-- i was just speaking out loud actually. oh, yes. do you talk to cleopatra very often? no. no, i wasn't speaking to cleopatra. i was, let me explain-- you don't have to explain, major. psychologically, it's very healthy to act out your little fantasies. say hello for me, won't you? i've always been the great admirer of hers.

uh, what'd you say? nothing. [jeannie laughs] thanks, thanks very much. oh, thanks. now, colonel, it's very important that we get the right guy to escort bootsie. now, i need a fellow with a lot of zing. you know what i mean, colonel? i-i-i want a fun astronaut. fun astronaut. with a lot of pizzazz. a lot of pizzazz. and good-looking and a little bit offbeat, you know what i mean, colonel? a-a-a--colorful. you got anybody here th-that's got a lot of color? i have just the man you're looking for, mr. dawkin. oh, uh, sergeant. tell major nelson i want to see him. colonel, are you ready for this? that's bootsie. you can certainly see she has talent. major nelson, you're escorting miss nightingale to the benefit ball.

well, i think you'd better get somebody else, sir. oh, he's really colorful. what's the matter with you? you've got something against beautiful women? oh, no. it's just that i don't think i deserve what's gonna happen to me. he's modest. it's all settled, major. um, sir, i'd really appreciate it if you would reconsider. no, major nelson. consider it an order. um, but this is a social affair. now, surely nasa can't order me-- this order did not come from nasa, major nelson. it came from the top. the president? higher than that. my wife. [ ] [sighs] you look so handsome, master. well, thank you, jeannie. do you know who you should take tonight? no, no. who? bootsie nightingale. what, uh--? what made you say that? i feel sorry for her. an old woman all alone at a party with no one to talk to. if you were her escort, think how exciting it would be.

she would never get over it. yeah, a lot of us would have a hard time getting over it. why don't you stay at home now and forget about the party and have a wonderful time looking at television, huh? [doorbell rings] yes, master. i'll get it. it's probably roger. roger: i'll fight you for her. huh? i just heard you have a date with the girl i'm going to marry. keep your voice down. you steal the most beautiful woman in the world away from me? you want me to keep my voice down? easy. well, gee, i have a mind to tell her the whole truth, that would fix you. that would fix everybody. good evening, major healey. oh, hi, jeannie. you forgot this, master. oh, thank you, jeannie. i wish you were not going to have such a terrible time. terrible time? oh, with the party? yes. yeah, well, i wish i were going to the dentist. roger, let's go. we'll see you later. bye. bye. boy, you really got her eating out of your hands. tony: yeah, but i have to keep counting my fingers. come on. [growls]

are you sure he's cute, sam? bootsie, how many times do i have to tell you, honey? he's adorable. he's divine, and he's all man. ooh. that's the way i like 'em. bootsie: you got me all excited, sam. i can hardly wait to meet him. sam: and he's on his way up. oh, he's here! hello, there. i've been waiting for you. [high-pitched voice] i'm major anthony nelson. and you're bootsie nightingale? [chuckles] well. [tony clears throat] [tony laughs]

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change your life. help is just a phone call away. [high-pitched voice] i st have caught a slight cold. this is all man? sam: he didn't talk like that before. well, if you think i'm going out with him, you're out of your ever-loving mind. but i assure you, this is just temporary. [clears throat] i think i know someone who can cure this almost instantly. i think, if you could just be patient. he sounds like he escaped from a cartoon. get him out of here. tony: b-but listen-- i'm sorry, major. why don't you go home and come back when you're feeling better. i can-- sam: nothing personal. but this is not m-my voice. what is your next false move? wait. jeannie! jeannie, i know you're here. you're around here someplace. dr. bellows gave-- jeannie! jeannie! tony, where you been? i've been waiting in that car for hours.

oh, she's in there. listen, i came to pick her up, and listen what happened to my voice? [laughs] very funny. jeannie! jeannie, where are you? better count your fingers. [whistles] hello. i'm major healey. oh, come in. come in. say something. i love you. he'll do. sam: yeah, major, how would you like to escort miss nightingale to the benefit ball tonight? [sighs] tony: jeannie, it was my fault. i didn't tell you the whole-- roger! roger. tell her that this voice condition is just temporary. go ahead, tell her. tell her. poor devil, that's what happens when you're up in space too long. wai-- aah! she's a sweet little old lady. jeannie, get rid of this voice. [normal voice] voice. now, do you know what you've done?

if you will excuse me now, i must get dressed. i am going to my first charity ball! oh, no, you're not. [festive music playing] [chuckles] well. here we are. yes, we certainly are. [sighs] you know, i could spend the rest of my life looking at you. oh, i dig you too. i mean it was like, wow, pow! the first time i set eyes on you... robert. it's r-roger. yes.

bootsie baby. excuse me, have you seen major nelson? who? she means mickey mouse. mickey mouse? pardon me, alfred? oh, excuse me, neil. darling, where is major nelson? oh, isn't he with miss nightingale? no, miss nightingale is with major healey. well, i arranged for major nelson to be her escort. something must have gone wrong. what do you mean? well, miss nightingale just called major nelson mickey mouse. mickey mouse? why would she call him that? i don't know. but i smell a rat. oh! let's go look for him, darling. yes. no, thank you. thank you very much. now, let's see... i'm sorry. that's okay. there. good evening, master, darling. do you like my new dress?

oh, it's a lovely party. thank you so much for inviting me. i-i-i not only didn't invite you, i am ordering you to leave immediately. [high-pitched voice] if you ever do this to me again, i'm gonna-- [clears throat] jeannie? yes, master? i want you to stay at the party and have a wonderful time. oh, thank you, master. yeah. [normal voice] thank you, thank you. thank you. i will see you later. wait a minute, where's miss nightingale? oh, she's with major healey. huh? they make a perfect couple. i c-c-can't get over it. what can't you get over, baby? me sitting here with you. holding my hand? h-holding your h-hand. [gasps] oh, i'm sorry. that's all right. i guess i'm a little nervous. you nervous?

with your animal magnetism. well, i wouldn't say i drive them wild-- if there's anything i love, it's a modest hero. i just get chills all over thinking about those planets you go to. mars and juniper and... j-j-jupiter. yes, and venus. venus, the planet of love. after we're engaged, you'll have to stay on the ground. well, i can't stay on the ground. you see, we're working on this apollo mission and to the moon... after we're engaged? if that's what you want. if that's what i want? i want what you want. right now, i want you to get off my foot. i'm sorry. oh! oh, i'm sorry. i ripped your dress. i'll get the maid to sew it up. don't move. stay right there.

tony? oh, hi. well, congratulate me. congratulations. aren't--? aren't you gonna ask me why? no. where's bootsie nightingale? that's why. what? we're engaged. i'm engaged to bootsie nightingale. we're going to get married. what are you talking about? i can't understand it myself. i swept her off her feet. hey, everything a-o--? what happened to you? i'll tell you what happened to me. that astronaut happened to me. ten-to-one, he'll knock down the moon. lower your voice. [laughs] you're talking about your fianc\. are you kidding me? i'll go back to television first. don't, uh-- don't even say that in jest. i've already hinted to the press that you'll marry the astronaut. they don't grow on bushes, you know. oh, that's all i needed. now, here comes mickey mouse. i've been looking everywhere for you. i wanted to explain-- your voice. oh, yes, i wanted to explain about that.

you can make the announcement. give me 10 minutes. that's my girl. i'm major anthony nelson. i was supposed to escort-- oh, you don't have to tell me who you are, sweetie. i go to sleep every night with your picture under my pillow. tony: i, uh--i-- i'll bet you drive all the girls wild with your animal magnetism. i-i beg your pardon? if there's anything i love, it's a modest hero. i get chills all over thinking of those planets you go to. mars and juniper... [chuckles] jupiter. and venus. venus, the planet of love. well, i--i just talked to, uh, roger. he was under the impression-- he's a boy. yeah, well, he's old enough to-- i like men.

roger says that you think you wanna get married. don't you? oh, of course. one of these-- excuse me. ah-ha! ladies and gentlemen, can i have your attention, please? please. miss bootsie nightingale has a very important announcement to make. [drumroll] this is the happiest moment of my life. bootsie: ladies and gentlemen, my dear fans... what is going on? i think she'll make a little wedding announcement. excuse me. bootsie: ...to thank every one of you for making this possible for me. they're not giving you an oscar, sweetheart.

bootsie: excuse me. come on. sam: do you mind? [shrieks] oh, never mind. oh, that's a trooper. get up there. make the announcement, honey. ladies and gentlemen i've just become engaged to the most wonderful-- [shrieks] [crowd murmuring] [wailing] bootsie, baby, what have they done to you? what, what happened, baby? get away from me. get away! now, now, bootsie... sam: i do not want to hurt you.

have you heard from major healey this morning, master? no. i think he's probably so upset about what happened last night, he doesn't want to show his face. major healey falls in love very easily, does he not? yeah, that he does. [doorbell rings] hi, roger hi, tony. hi, jeannie. we were just talking about you. good morning, major healey. how are you feeling? h--? how am i feeling? i never felt better in my whole life. oh, we were afraid that you would be unhappy because you didn't marry bootsie nightingale. me unhappy? oh, you don't think i took that seriously, do you? didn't you? you've got to learn to know me better. you don't think i was impressed with the hollywood phony glamour. she was just another blond. good, good. would you like a cup of coffee? no, thank you. i'm in kind of a hurry. i have a fellow waiting outside. tony, can i borrow your car? what's the matter with yours? i'm having trouble with my brakes. could you lend me your keys? there's a fellow waiting-- good morning, everybody. hi, fellow.

major healey has promised to take me for a ride in his very own space capsule. i'm so excited. i can just imagine the newspaper headlines now. glamorous hollywood star and handsome astronaut flinging their way through the universe... green acres is the place to be farm livin' is the life for me land spreadin' out so far and wide keep manhattan, just give me that countryside new york is where i'd rather stay i get allergic smelling hay

darling, i love you, but give me park avenue the chores the stores fresh air times square you are my wife good-bye, city life green acres, we are there well, clyde, what's your pleasure? hmm? how about a game of gin rummy with $5 a point? no, thanks. star poker with the jacks, the kings, the queens, and deuces, and the three of hearts, wild? i don't think so. how about strip poker? you know, where when you lose, you have to take off some of your clothes? look, if i want to get undressed, i don't have to play cards to do it. well, i just wanted to make it shporty. lisa, i'd like to read. all right, darling. you read, and i'll tell your fortune.