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i thought it was fabulous, really. you're sure you enjoyed it? oh, i loved it, honestly. oh, i thought you two were going to be in bed by now. not for lack of trying. well, neil, this is jack. hi, jack. hello, neil. and this is janet. hi. how do? well, been doing anything interesting? neil took me to his film society. they were showing scenes from potemkin that weren't in the movie. two hours of footage eisenstein left on the cutting room floor. oh, i think that answers my question. well, i thought it was fabulous, i really did. honestly? honestly. you really did? i thought it was fabulous-- honestly. honestly? honestly. i think i'll go make myself some coffee. so it was a good evening? honestly.

oh, yeah. chrissy said you were interested in rotten old films. i didn't say it like that. yes, you did. did not. it's a good point. most of those films are on old nitrate stock. they don't last long. two hours sounds long enough to me. and the thing about einstein's films is... uh... eisenstein. see, einstein did the theory of relativity. was that a silent or a talkie? no, uh, chrissy, it's... uh... jack, don't you want to go in the kitchen and help janet make some coffee? what for? oh, right. yeah. got you. i'll leave you two to get it on. i'm sorry. i mean... to get on with it. oh, there i go again. i'll be in here if you need me.

no one will disturb you-- go ahead. everybody in this building minds his own business. you see, i have this philosophy... oh... ( moaning ) stanley! i want to have a word with you, helen. why are you bringing your tools to bed? you've been going through my tool chest. there's some things missing in there. oh... you mean the dirty magazines. they're not dirty, they're art. yeah, they're full of busts. i only buy them for articles on male fashions and automobiles. what have you done with them? i tied them in a bundle

you what? helen, one of these days you're going to make me come after you. god knows i try. ( sniffing ) what's that funny smell? that's my new perfume. it's called "now or never." well, it's half right, anyway. it's happening again. what? i have been reading the funeral notices all week. it is so interesting. everybody dies in alphabetical order.

( doorbell ringing ) i'll get it. boy, some of the things that girl comes up with. yeah, it's scary, but sometimes she's right. maybe we should change our names to something beginning with a "z." oh, right, jack. what are you going to call yourself-- jack zipper? no, i wouldn't like people going around saying "hey, fella, your name is open." it's for me. it's from home. it's not my birthday or anything. oh, thank god. i was beginning to feel guilty already. it's a camera. a movie camera. wow-ee. now, what on earth would make my parents do a thing like that? the only thing i mentioned to them in my last letter is that i was dating a nice methodist boy who liked films. great. next time, tell them you're going out with a banker. oh, this is so terrific. i'll have so much fun with it

yeah. uh, chrissy-- lesson number one, see. okay. oh, hiya, honey. oh, boy, that felt good. nothing like a nice, brisk walk around the block first thing in the morning. i thought you went upstairs to fix the window in the kids' apartment. later. have you got something on your face? it's a mud pack. i like it. you should always wear it. you're wasting your time, stanley. insults bounce right off me. a brick would bounce off that stuff. ( shrieking ) don't touch it!

that's getting popular. i saw someone wearing it on television. really? yeah-- lon chaney in the mummy's curse. well, he's got his curse. i've got you. well, i think i'll take a quick shower. in your raincoat? of course not. i'll hang it up when i get in there. so you just went out for a nice, brisk walk? yeah, that's right. nothing else? no, nothing else. you finished with your third degree? maybe i'll take my shower now. while you're in there, you might as well give those dirty magazines a bath, too. what dirty magazines? the ones you got in your pockets. you mean popular mechanics and the reader's digest? show them to me.

i don't have to show them to you. oh, go f...ix your window. okay, now, don't just sit there. do something interesting. uh... okay. let's see... yeah. ( slavering ) ( shrieks ) no! no... not that interesting. i can't think of anything else to do. you can never think of anything else to do. wait. hold everything, he does not have his makeup on yet. sit down, jack. oh. what is this? face powder to help your nose not shine. are you sure we need...? ( spitting ) close your eyes, please. close. what's this? this is just what they use when they're taking pictures. it helps the eyes stand out. why is she laughing? what is this? just a little bit of eye shadow. that's it. i'm walking off the set. cancel my contract.

stop following me. that's terrific. okay, now-- come here. do something natural. i'm about to... and you're not going to take pictures. oh, janet, do something. what, honey? um... arrange those flowers. chrissy, i already did that. what?! are you crazy? okay, now-- laughing. laugh, yeah. ha-ha-ha-ha. more laughter. ( mock laughter ) okay... cut. that was great. tomorrow, i'm going to put some film in the camera. oh, chrissy! ( doorbell ringing ) next time, will you please date a stamp collector? hi, mr. roper. i came up to fix your broken window. oh. good. say, is it raining outside? no. oh. hi, mr. roper. he came up to, um...

is it raining outside? no. oh. is something wrong with your face? oh! no, it's just a little eye shadow. do you like it? eye shadow? i-i'll show you the broken window. it's in my room. i'll find it myself. be my guest. hurry it up, chrissy. i got to go to the game with larry. i'm nearly finished. oh, i hope you like it, neil.

( doorbell ringing ) oh, chrissy, don't tear yourself apart. i'm sure your movie will deserve to be hidden away in the archives. thank you, jack. hi, jack. ready to go? i can't go to the game yet. i promised chrissy i'd watch her home movies. come on, the game starts in 15 minutes. i know. it won't take long. larry, this is chrissy's friend neil. hi. hi. neil collects old sprocket holes. okay, sit down. here we go. ( chrissy laughing )

here's janet going to the beach. oh, here's the part where janet loses the top of her bikini. well, it wasn't such a good shot, really. no, not really. well, how'd you like it? me? it was very, uh... very, uh... interesting. yeah, that's the word. it was... interesting. i'm so glad you like it

( water splashes, woman squeals ) ah! janet, i didn't know you were in there having a bath. oh, listen, i'm sorry. we should get this lock fixed. it could be really embarrassing. somebody could just come in, stand here, gawk at you... get out! you want me out? yes! all you had to do was tell me. you want the door open? close that door! i'll shut it, then. jack! you want me to shut it? get out! you need more bubbles. ( doorbell rings ) hi! how are you doing? are the girls up? chrissy's getting dressed. janet's taking a bath. she is? what are you doing with the sponge?

i have to do everything around here. oh, right. what a shame. listen, about that projector... can i borrow it for this afternoon? you'll have to ask chrissy. uh, yeah... well, she might not approve of, uh... you know, uh... blue movies. what? last week, i met this guy in the regal beagle. he's got a friend who's on the vice squad-- kenneth. kenneth what? i don't know him well enough to be on last name terms. he's got these really hot films that were confiscated-- they should have been burned! but for only 50 bucks... i'm not loaning you any money, larry. you know, you can be very wounding, sometimes, jack. i'm not always coming up here to borrow money. yeah. i'm sorry. just lend me 50 bucks. we'll say no more about it. no way. all right. i'll buy the movie myself. i just need the use of that projector. he told me that this movie was really hot... ...weather we're having this time of year. hi, jack. oh, hi. good morning, chrissy.

hi. i was wondering about your projector. uh, when do you have to return it? why? "why." oh. um, i was hoping to have another chance of seeing your home movies. i mean, i enjoyed them so much. well, thank you! oh, darn. oh, i can't show it to you now. i have to meet neil in half an hour. you're going out? yeah. she's going out! oh, darn! aw... aw... aw... well, hello, mr. roper. you clipping your bush? so i am. very clever. hi, larry. oh, hi, janet. ooh, janet. are you going out? yeah. he's very observant. i'm going to the laundromat. oh, that's great. i mean, uh... have a great wash. well, thank you, larry. oh, sorry, lar. oh.

yeah. naked dreams? what's this? uh... it's just a... just a sort of movie. "movie"? yeah, well, you see they have this projector upstairs and... and you want to show this "sort of" a movie on it. hey! that's a fantastic idea! let me tell you something. as the landlord of this building it is my duty to make certain that any films shown in this building meet with my approval. oh. and so far, i approve of the title. oh! i suppose you could come up... i'll get my glasses. right. ( muttering ): glasses, glasses, glasses... glasses! where'd i... glasses... glasses... helen. helen, have you seen my... where'd you find that? in your new hiding place. i don't have a hiding place because i have nothing to hide. i just put 'em someplace convenient.

on top of the wardrobe, anyway? cleaning up the dirt. helen, i'm in kind of a hurry, so... look, stanley i'm going to do my best to try to understand why you read this stuff. can we discuss this later, helen? for the automobiles, right? what kind of a sports model do you call that? ( stammering ): i wouldn't know. i mean, i don't read those pages. oh, hey! hey, there is an article here on a ferrari. what's a ferrari? it's a car, stanley. it's why you bought the magazine, remember? oh... oh, that ferrari. well, see, i didn't get to read that far yet. it's on page one. let me see that. i don't see any... "ferrari." it's right there right next to the girl with the big... oh! yeah!

stanley, tell me something. why do you have to look at pictures like that when you got me around? you know, all day long people have been asking me stupid questions. naked dreams? yeah! that guy, kenneth, uh, what's-his-name told me this was the real thing. it's in color too. well, flesh color, mostly. tell me something, larry. what exactly does this sort of thing do for you? oh, come on, jack. you're as interested in this as i am. i deny that! and i'll sit here denying it all through the movie. ow! what are you...?! chrissy! look, chrissy's home! chrissy's home early. look at chrissy, larry. look. hi, chrissy. i've had it

all he did was talk about my movie. that's nice. telling me how awful it was. that's not nice. who does he think he is? d.w. hitchcocks? ( whispers ): what?! what's he doing? what am, uh... what am i doing? what am i doing? uh, he's... uh, that. uh, this. uh, that. uh, this. i'm trying to get this off of that. why don't we just forget about the whole thing and i'll be on my way. oh, i can do this. no, no, no. i can see it some other time. it's easy. no problem. uh, chrissy, there is one problem. the laundromat is closed. two problems. two problems. uh... are you all going to be seeing chrissy's movie again? yeah. oh! i'm going out. chrissy will go with you. we'll all go. larry's the only one who really wants to see this. i'm not too late for the movie, am i? he invited me. oh, fine!

oh, okay. wait a minute, wait a minute. you girls aren't staying, are you? well, sure. i didn't think you'd be interested in this sort of thing. of course she's interested.

oh, there you are! i thought we finished our little chat, dear. yeah, i went to check on the casserole and he sneaked out on me the little devil. i didn't sneak out. i was invited. to see my home movies. home movies? oh, chrissy, could i watch, too? helen, helen... i'm tired. why don't we go to bed? no, stanley. i'd rather do something we can do together. where are the earthquakes when you really need them? do something. me do something? it's your movie. okay. here we go.

now that we're all here why not a fast game of hearts or charades, huh? larry's got it. sounds like... scissors. cut? cut throat? stanley: jack? jack? jack! sit down. i did my best. that was your best? ( woody woodpecker theme music playing ) guess who! naked dreams?! ( laughing maniacally ) woody woodpecker?! what a nice surprise, larry. they always show the cartoon before the main feature. 50 bucks for woody woodpecker? the guy took me for 50 bucks! thank god for good old kenneth what's-his-name! he really gave you the bird!

three's company was videotaped in front of a studio audience. come and knock on our door come and knock on our door we've been waitin' for you we've been waitin' for you where the kisses are hers and hers and his three's company, too come and dance on our floor come and dance on our floor take a step that is new take a step that is new we've a lovable space that needs your face three's company, too you'll see that life is a ball again laughter is callin' for you down at our rendezvous down at our rendezvous three is company, too. i'm betty white and i'm known for trying to be funny but today i'd like