well, we're movin' on up to the east side movin' on up to a deluxe apartment in the sky mo-ooh-vin' on up movin' on up to the east side movin' on up we finally got a piece of the pie fish don't fry in the kitchen beans don't burn on the grill took a whole lotta tryin' just to get up that hill now we're up in the big leagues gettin' our turn at bat as long as we live it's you and me, baby there ain't nothin' wrong with that well, we're movin' on up movin' on up to the east side movin' on up to a deluxe apartment in the sky mo-ooh-vin' on up

to the east side movin' on up

weez, when youcome out of there, if i'm not moving, don't worry. it just meansthat i'm dead.

huh, george? ok, so it's beena slow year. forget about that. this killer could comeat us with knives, guns... just about anything. ahh! george, have you seen my hair net? i can't find it. no, weez, i haven't. well, i'm ready for bed. your pajamas looklike street clothes. they are. in case i get killed tonight, i don't want strangers investigating me in my nightgown. we been througha lot together. no matter whathappens, remember... you marrieda great guy.

to get to you,they've got togo through me. [knock on door] get that, will you? let me in! oh, that's florence. wait. if you'reflorence, prove it! stand on your wife's shoulders and look through the keyhole! it's florence. what are youdoing here? i'm scared to be alone. you're welcome to stay with us. do i have to betortured beforei'm killed? there's safety in numbers. and besides... shut up. ok, but somebody's got to stand guard. we've got to figure a way to take shifts. we'll pick straws.

i'll be first. men have protected their women since time began. i'll do it. i'm fearless. [knock on door] my shift's over. mr. jefferson,do something. good idea. george! who is it? me--captain monahan. let him in, florence. how do you know it's the captain? if you're the captain, prove it. what time does love boat come on? open the door,jefferson. prove you're the captain. i have the passkey. oh. he's the captain. we can't be too careful. fear can often makea man behave like... well...a moron. thank you for understanding. something you need?

we should keepan eye on each other. i'll crack this case wide open. i'll make that killer wish he never met me. he might as welljoin the rest of us. your attention, please. i've asked everyone togather for two reasons. our radio hasbeen sabotaged. we can'tcall for help. it's better if weall stay here together. we're not all together. the duchess hasn't joined us. i spoke to her. unfortunately,she's sufferingfrom insulin shock and can't be moved. she's being guarded. and the second reason we're here? oh, yes, that'sthe other news.

when i saw him choking and gagging, i said to myself, "uh-huh, poison." can we throwhim overboard? let me reconstruct this crime, ok? steele, you were jealous of thornton. you could've have poisoned his glass. i was with you. i didn't kill him. i know that. but you despise all men. talk about motives. oh, you are ridiculous. i assure you, if i start exterminating men, you'll be the very first. i know that. which brings us to you. you knew thornton was attracted to my maid, but you wanted her for yourself. don't be a fool.

i know that. here's the answer to this puzzle. edgar thornton killed himself. uh, george... i hate to be a wet blanket, but explain the note, "everyone in this room will die." he did thatto distract us. if not for me,he'd have killed himself and got off scot-free. come on, folks. he worked hard on that. you tested the wine in the bottle? we tested that and foundthat it was poisoned, too. just the clue i've been looking for. me, too. oh? perhaps you'd care to elaborate? well, uh... well said. we've wondered how the poison could have gotten into thornton's glass.

before he opened it. anybody on this ship could have poisoned it at any time before the murder. mr. thornton always kept it in a locked box. leave thisto us pros. she's right. only edgar had a key. he didn't remove the bottle until he was with us. everything still suggests one of us is the killer. but how could... how could the killer poison an unopened bottle? that'd be impossible. exactly. not true. exactly! you're overlooking the cork. the cork istoo obvious. the killer drilledinto the bottom andsprayed the poison in. then explain why none of the wine drained out.

the killer used the cork. did i saythe bottom? i meant the cork. take it, aud. don't call me aud. how could someone penetrate the cork without edgar realizing his bottle had been tampered with? the answer... a hypodermic syringe. aha! the duchess. the duchess... get out of here. she's a diabetic. she'd have to giveherself injections. obviously, she wouldhave a hypodermic. we were together. wouldn't we have noticed her poisoning the wine? no. there was a brief moment when we were investigating the "stabbing." the duchess never joined us. do you remember? aren't you looking? you're rank amateurs.

while we looked for clues, the duchess poisoned the bottle. i'd better get tothe duchess' cabin and place herunder arrest. we'll join you. stand back. duchess von khulman,this is the captain. it's locked. you stay here. i'm going in. what's the meaningof this? i'm placing youunder arrest. arrest! why?whatever for? the murder ofedgar thornton. you must be joking. murder is no joke. may i have yoursyringe, please? i notice, duchess,

[thud] duchess! ahhh! break the door down. quick, use mr. jefferson. what's happened here? she hit me andescaped out the window. [crash] the duchess will kill me for breaking this. can you see her? no. maybe she'sat the lifeboat. she got away? yes, i'm afraid so...

well? we lost herin the fog. the lifeboat's gone. we'll notifythe coast guard when we get to shore. at least she's gone and we're all safe.

i could sureuse a drink. right.yeah. yeah. well, here is to the memory of edgar thornton. and to we who solved his murder-- everyone but sherlock stooge there. did i thank you for this trip, louise? oh, come on. that's notthe george jefferson i know. so what if you didn't solve it? if someone didn't get it, it wouldn't be a mystery, right? there's lots you do better than them. you're just trying to make me feel good. see? you're not asdumb as they think. the thing that's been bothering me-- what, george? i thought i solved this murder mystery. i didn't want to say nothing

stupid? how couldyou look stupid? maybe because ofyour dumb theory aboutedgar killing himself? uh, florence, forget it. oh, i'm sorry. or that dumb idea aboutdrilling into the bottle? florence, let it rest! oh, i'm sorry. maybe it wasthe clumsy way you brokethat figurine? you can't help itif you look stupid. say that again. about looking stupid? no, before that. you brokethe figurine? that's it. i broke it. say, gentlemen. do you havea copy of your book, bloodstains? no problem. one of the legson my coffee tableis too short.

what time is it? here's a clue. you're wearing a watch. the time? it's time to pay the piper. i've been thinking-- hit the deck. he's beenthinking again. i know who killed edgar thornton. we guessed whenthe duchess jumped ship. ah, but you were all wrong. the murderer is still in this room. george, the mystery's been solved, dear. why don't we get some rest? he's been under a lot of strain. it's the dirty season back home. let's just hear mr. jefferson out. let's compromiseand throw him out. after reviewing all of the clues and applying my superior knowledge of logic,

and that person is... the captain. can you believe him? don't be ridiculous. the captain wasn't inthe room with thornton. ah, but he was! how can you say that? because i broke the figurine. we all agreedthornton was poisoned bythe duchess' hypodermic. correct. the duchess ran away. wrong. she didn't. i fought with her in the cabin and she escaped. so you say. but if you remember... i rushed to the window to look for the duchess. that's when i broke the glass figurine. how could a desperate woman not damage it

derek? well, uh... well said. well said. then the duchesswas in the cabin. the captain was the only one there. unless... the captain was the duchess. brilliant, mr. jefferson, brilliant! uh, george, the captain was already on the ship when the duchess came aboard. like i said, stupid, mr. jefferson, stupid. i'm glad youbrought that up. remember whatthe captain said? i'll go prepare for tonight's mystery. what he reallywas preparing for was how toget off the boat. how could he get off without us seeing him? when the drunkensecond mate wascarried off the boat,

it contained the captain. oh, this is preposterous! remember the note? why would the captain want to kill all of us? that was tomislead us. he wanted thornton. why should i kill thornton? because of a bookthat he wrote. didn't you sayedgar thornton writes mysteries based on the lives of real people? he just changes the name. it's fun guessing their real identities. but what does that prove? rememberthe captain's navy picture? he was skipper of the uss kinston. the name of that ship kept echoing in my head. that's understandablewith all that emptyspace up there.

thank you, weez. captain, why didyou leave the navy? i'd rather not discuss it. i'm sure you wouldn't, mr. dishonorablydischarged! weren't youinvolved in a scandalthat rocked the navy? is it not true that youwere dishonorably discharged for dressing inwomen's clothing? and weren't youpublicly humiliated when it was revealedin edgar thornton's the captain wore nylons? that's a lie! oh, yeah? lord, have mercy! nobody move or i'll kill you all! you'll be the first, jefferson.

very clever, jefferson, but too clever. it was onlyspeculation. i'm probably wrong. i hated edgar thornton. i did my best to serve my country. so i did it wearing a cross-your-heart bra. right.by the way,nice legs. oh, thank you. hey, stow it! i fixed this cruise to get rid of thornton. i knew i could lure him on board with this mystery. oh, yes, i impersonated the duchess. it was easy. none of you had ever met her. the perfect crime. i commit the crime, the duchess disappears,

of the best mystery writers in the world. what will you do now? i'd have escaped if your husband hadn't solved it. this leaves me no choice but to... award mr. jefferson with the trophy for solving the mystery cruise murder. say what? congratulations!you've solved the mystery! mr. jefferson, this is for you! edgar thornton's murder was the mystery? i impersonated the character in the captain wore nylons. i knew itall the time! i'm a genius! i'd rather have died than to live with him now. this would be the perfect moment to rub your noses in it,

good for you. why should i? i've got this big old trophy. if this was a game, edgar's still alive! alive and kicking! i was in on it all the time. i'll kill you for scaring me half to death. was your interest in me an act, too? not at all. let me makeit up to you when we have thatdinner together. are you glad you came now? oh, weez, thanks! this trip took five years off my life.

captioning performed by the national captioning institute, inc. public performance of captions prohibited without permission ofnational captioning institute

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movin' on up to the east side movin' on up to a deluxe apartment in the sky we're movin' on up movin' on up to the east side movin' on up we finally got a piece of the pie fish don't fry in the kitchen beans don't burn on the grill took a whole lot of tryin' that hill get up just to now we're up in the big leagues gettin' our turn at bat as long as we live it's you and me, baby there ain't nothin' wrong with that we're movin' on up movin' on up to the east side movin' on up to a deluxe apartment in the sky we're movin' on up movin' on up