boy, the way glenn miller played songs that made the hit parade guys like us we had it made those were the days and you knew where you were then girls were girls and men were men mister, we could use a man like herbert hoover again didn't need no welfare state everybody pulled his weight gee, our old lasalle ran great

edith, are you gonna be home in the next half-hour? yeah. why?

and introduce his fianc\e. oh! good. oh, by the way, a week from saturday, we are having a big engagement party and you're invited. wonderful. you and mike and gloria. and... no ands, edith. what about archie? archie is not invited. edith, let's face it. archie and george can't stand each other. put them in the same room together, the party's over. but, louise-- even if we invited archie, he wouldn't come. believe me, edith, we'll be making archie happy by not inviting him. well, that's very thoughtful of you, louise. well, i'm glad that's settled. well, can i help you with any of the baking or cooking? oh, no. not this time. it's going to be a catered affair. we are hiring a room at the monarch hotel. oh, my! so long, edith. ah-ha! back, back, back, the two of youse.

you'll never guess who i just met coming over here to see you. lionel and his fianc\e. that is so dumb, answering quick without even taking time to think! i'm sorry, archie. what's the surprise? lionel and his fianc\e. is the surprise over yet? yeah, yeah, get in here. edith: hello, lionel. hi, mrs. bunker. i'd like you to meet jennie willis. oh, how do you do, jennie? hello, mrs. bunker. lionel's told me so much about you. nothing bad, i hope. oh, don't put her on the spot, edith. ain't she pretty! yes. lionel's a good picker. just like his father! well, jennie's a good picker too. oh, thank you, mrs. bunker. i wanna tell you, lionel, it's a good thing,

i hope you're gonna follow through and get married. oh, yeah. right. so, uh, when are youse two gonna tie the knot, you and your impending husband? well, lionel and i had a long talk about that, and we decided to wait until after lionel graduates, because a, statistics show that the greatest amount of stress in a marriage occurs during that first year. and that would be too much of a burden to put on lionel while he's still at school. b, if we wait, i could quit school, go to work so that we'll have that nice little nest egg to fall back on until lionel finds a position. and c, after lionel establishes himself, i can go back to school, complete my education and pick up on my own career. ain't she something? i guess you know what you're doing, lionel. lionel, it's really getting late, and i've got to be going, so... edith: so soon?

would you believe i still don't have a dress for our engagement party? bye-bye. bye. edith: goodbye. i must say that that's a very nice thing you're doing there, mrs. j, giving the kids an engagement party. oh, it's not much. we're just inviting the immediate family and a few close friends. oh, swell. i'll be there. huh? yeah. i'll even bring the kids a present. oh, no. you see-- oh, no, no trouble at all. mrs. j, you must know how i feel about lionel. i mean, i like him very much. i practically watched the kid grow up. archie, you've only known lionel four years. but them were four very important years, edith. them were the four years when the boy was coming into his pubertyhood. but really, archie, you don't-- no, no, no, no. i mean, it's gonna be a real pleasure, because after all, lionel and me-- when lionel first come to this neighborhood,

being colored, naturally he was a little green. i taught him a few things, we become friends. no, i'm gonna make that party. i'm gonna be there with the bells on. i gotta get home. george's dinner's burning. [both mouthing] aren't you taking something for granted about the engagement party? what are you talking about? well, i heard you say you was coming, but i didn't hear louise say you was invited. oh, use your head, edith. you heard what the woman said. the immediate family and a few close friends. who could be closer than us? we live next door. no way, louise, you hear me? no way! george, calm down! that honky ain't coming to no party i'm giving, not for my son, you hear? not while i'm alive!

now, you sneaked in the rest of his family, but that's it, that's enough. now, i'm saying-- i'm saying enough. e, double e, triple e, 'nough! george, if you don't wanna calm down, will you shut up! who you telling to shut up? do you see anybody else in this room? now, you listen here, woman. don't you give me that "woman" jazz. don't you give me that jazz, woman! now, you listen to me, george. i am not crazy about archie coming to our party either. but now we've got to invite him. edith is a very good friend of mine, and i'm not gonna do anything to hurt her. but you promised me, louise, you promised. you said no archie! i know, but i can't help it. archie thinks he's invited. what can i do? you can take your big mouth back over there and uninvite him, that's what you can do! i can't do that! why? because you're afraid of hurting his feelings? you just blame it on me.

"mr. bunker, i'm very sorry, "but i have to take back my invitation "because my husband, george, "says he doesn't want you at the party. "he's very sorry. he hopes you understand, you honky, you." that's all. is that your final word? that's it and you heard it. okay, fix your own dinner. oh, now you're gonna get dramatic, huh? who you supposed to be? doris day? do you see any freckles here? what about my dinner? forget it! i'm going over there and tell archie he's invited courtesy of you. over my dead body. that's one way. hold it, louise! my mind is made up. and don't you dare say no, or you'll be eating your dinner through a straw! what?

hey, ma. oh, my. you came home at just the right time. you mean dinner's ready? no. archie's in the bathroom. why is that just the right time? well, you see, louise was here, and she invited us to lionel's engagement party. is that what sent archie up to the bathroom? no. gloria: oh, i get it. daddy's throwing a temper tantrum because he doesn't want to go, right? wrong, gloria. he's going. well, then what's the problem? he ain't invited. well, where did he get the idea that he was? out of his own head. that's the worst place he could've gotten anything from. ma, you gotta tell him. how long can you keep putting it off? [toilet flushing]

but i don't know what i'm gonna do. well, don't worry, ma. i'll tell him. no, gloria, let me handle it. he's gonna be so mad. that's all right. i'm used to it. hey, arch. how are you doing? how's everything? what's new? new york, new hampshire and new jersey. [laughing] funny, arch. dinner's in a couple of minutes, archie. ah, daddy, i hear you're going to lionel's engagement party. yeah, i gotta go. i couldn't get out of it. michael: yeah, uh... arch, uh, i have something to tell you, and i don't think you're gonna like it. what's new? i don't like nothing you tell me. arch, i'm serious. you, uh-- you're not invited to lionel's party. what? [doorbell ringing] i'll get that. i ain't invited? did you hear what that meathead just said? oh, hi, louise. come on in. thank you. oh, boy, am i glad you're here, there, mrs. j-- before you say anything, archie,

george insisted that i come over here and extend you a formal invitation. george did that? there, what do you think of that? louise-- edith! george said he wasn't gonna touch solid food until i invited you. so i'll see you at the party, archie. oh, swell. hey, wait a minute, mrs. j, wait a minute, just before you go. listen, the formal invitation to me, that includes edith, i hope. oh, of course. yeah, yeah, great. and another thing, mike and gloria, they've been hinting around about going too. oh, they can come. yeah. and would you just kind of extend the formal invitation to them too? because they don't believe nothing i tell them. go ahead, go ahead. hey, everybody, mrs. j's got something to say to you here. mike, gloria, edith, you're all invited too. bye.

oh, mrs. j, look-- you got a very good heart. yeah. well, there you go. what did i tell you, stupid? and you, edith, don't you feel dopey now? oh, yeah. i guess i got it all mixed up. "got it all mixed up." mixed up.

george. george! george, what have you been doing? enjoying myself. why? well, why don't you make yourself useful? like what? like getting your mother off my back. what's the matter with mama? oh, don't get me started on that, george. now get over there and talk to her.

hey. how's it going, pop? hey, son. how are you? you take good care of this pretty little lady now. yeah, i'll do that. i like your family, lionel. they all seem so nice. oh, they got you fooled too, huh? listen, what happened to your folks? they'll be here soon. lionel, have you told your father about my parents yet? oh, you mean about them being werewolves? oh, be serious. no, no, there's some things you don't tell my father till it's too late. but, lionel, i'm worried! listen, relax. everything's gonna be okay. here, here! lionel, didn't i teach you better than that? ain't i doing it right? look, lighten up on the girl. leave her enough lips to say, "i do." hi, mama. everything all right?

but louise said you were upset about something. wherever did she get that idea? why, george, it's a lovely party. and don't you worry about the food being skimpy. i'm sure nobody will notice that. george, that's your second drink? yes, this is my second drink, ma. i'll finish it for you. mama, you don't have to finish the drink for me. george, you know, you're just like your daddy. he couldn't drink. i had to do all the drinking for him too. come on, archie, this is the party. oh, edith, you don't have to be nervous with the colored crowd. just keep your eye on me. man: hey. hi. if you're looking for the elks club, it's down the hall. ah, no, no. i ain't looking for that. no, ah, no. do i look like an elk? oh, hello, you two.

oh, so nice of you to come, archie. yeah, i know. where is mike and gloria? i don't see them. oh, they're over at our house picking up some records. oh, that's nice. oh, yeah. now, can i introduce you to everybody? well, to tell you the truth, mrs. j-- or would you rather have a drink first? that's the guy i wanna meet, the bartender. yeah, yeah. oh, look. hello, mr. jefferson. oh, hi, mrs. bunker. hey, jefferson, there. how are you? listen, that formal invitation you sent by your wife, i think that was very white of you. that's exactly the way i felt when i did it. george, why don't you take archie over to the bar and offer him a drink? hey, jefferson. i seen you hosing down your porch yesterday. oh, yeah? when am i going to see you hosing down yours? bartender. yes, sir? get the man a drink, please.

any particular brand? yeah. the expensive brand. ha! and what about you, sir? scotch and soda, please. yes, sir. hey, hey, jefferson, there's a switch for you, this guy giving you the big "yes, sir." why? he's the bartender, ain't he? yeah, but what i meant was i'm used to having it the other way round. oh, yeah? how many servants you got in that mansion you living in? what do you mean by that? let me tell you something about people. there you are. thank you. that bartender's willing to work for me, because if you got enough green in your pocket, then black becomes his favorite color. george, that's your third drink. i know that! well, put it down. mama, will you leave me alone, please? i said put it down. you've had enough. look, mama, i'm a big boy now. i don't need you to blow my nose for me.

george... hey, there, jefferson. that ain't very nice, talking that way to your little mammy here. who you calling "mammy"? you. well, don't you dare call me "mammy." i'm nobody's mammy. i'm his mother. now, if you got anything to say to me, you call me mrs. jefferson. jeez, mrs. jefferson-- don't talk to me. that's telling him, ma. and don't you try to make up to me either. oh, mother jefferson, what's wrong? oh, don't. i'm getting out of here. george, what's going on? he called mama "mammy." oh! i didn't think i was doing nothing wrong. i thought all colored people call their mothers mammy. well, i did, jefferson. that's what i always heard. jeez, al jolson called his mother mammy for years. see that, louise? you see? that's what you get for inviting whites. hi. how are you? fine.

uh, hey, if you're looking for the elks club, it's down the hall. no, thanks. i'm in the right place. oh, yeah? what are you, the caterer? no. so, what are you doing here, a white guy? i'm a guest. what are you doing here, a white guy? i'm the family's white friend. jennie! oh, mom! hi! you look beautiful! oh, so do you, baby. so do you. you see that little girl over there? that's the little girl lionel's going to marry. i know. know who that lady is hugging her? no. she's my wife. oh, that-- huh? daddy! hey, jennie! hi. oh, hi, mr. willis. hi, lionel. oh, i see you've met mr. bunker. oh, yeah, we've met. yeah, yeah. lionel, shouldn't we introduce my parents to yours? oh, yeah, yeah, sure. now, wait a minute. wait a minute, lionel!

uh, no, i'm going to introduce them right now. this i got to see. mom, pop. could you come over here a second? i got some people i want you to meet. hey, jefferson, you're gonna love this. okay, okay, mom, pop, this is jennie's parents, mr. and mrs. willis. uh... i'm very pleased to meet you. how do you do? mrs. jefferson. mr. jefferson. you're white! and you're black. it's a kick in the head, ain't it? lionel, i want to talk to you. you know, jefferson, all the chickens coming home to the roost-- please! there's not one-- would you just excuse us, please? listen, you know what i think? would you excuse us, please?

think, son, think. what about your children? what they going to be? oh, boys and girls, i hope. louis, we are not wanted here. helen, don't fly off the handle. i want to leave and right now. but, mom, you-- jennie, you stay out of this. this is between your father and me. okay. okay! have a good time. can't you tell when you've been insulted? now, just don't get excited. i am not getting excited. i am getting mad. listen to them, louise. that's what happens when you mix black and white. ten more seconds, he's gonna call her, nigger. listen to that. i ain't used that word in three years. louis! i'm getting madder. listen to this dame over here. another minute, she's gonna call him a honky.

hi. we brought the records. did we miss anything? only the beginning of world war iii. what? i'll explain later. just play something quick, and loud! oh, okay. louis- just take it easy! or they'll think we're really fighting. who cares what they think? ah, come on, now, helen. we've run into his kind before, black and white, and we've always been able to handle them. sure, because we never let them walk all over us. we did something about it. you want me to do something about it? all right, i am going to do something about it right now! [romantic music playing] head near the door, edith. there's gonna be a race riot. mrs. jefferson. yes? may i have this dance? you certainly may. louise! i'm standing here!

you see, archie? no trouble at all. you see that, what mixed marriage leads to? mixed dancing! mrs. willis, you have a lovely daughter. thank you. i don't believe we've met. oh. i'm mrs. bunker. i ain't one of the relatives. i'm just a good friend. bunker, what is this world coming to? beats me, jefferson.

g g you" playing]

glenn miller played songs that made the hit parade guys like us we had it made those were the days and you knew where you were then girls were girls and men were men mister, we could use a man like herbert hoover again didn't need no welfare state everybody pulled his weight gee, our old lasalle ran great

[groggily] ma. gloria! what are you doing down here? you ought to be in bed.

yeah, but he can't come. he says he don't feel well enough to make house calls. oh, no, you mean dr. nelson's sick too? yeah, and he thinks it sounds like both of you got the same thing. well, what did you tell him? i told him to take two aspirin and get plenty of rest. oh, ma. i feel awful. aww. dinner will be ready soon. some nice stew will make you feel better. not so loud. my stomach might hear you. i can't face any food. oh, maybe you're right. they say, "starve a cold and feed a fever." well, what am i supposed to do? i got a cold and a fever. oh, well, maybe if you ate a little for your fever now, you could starve a little for your cold in the morning. no. no food, ma. edith! there's your father.

hello, archie. ah-choo! oh, gesundheit. ah-choo! oh, gesundheit! ah-choo! gesundheit! hello, archie. wait a minute. wait a minute. you see what you've done? you went back, you pick up three loads of germs, then you come and dump them on me! stay away from me. daddy, you never have any sympathy for anybody but yourself. can't you see i got the flu? well, whose fault is that? i think it's mr. nixon's fault. "i think it's mr. nixon's fault." why? well, making us put our thermostat down so low. it gets awful chilly upstairs at night. in their bedroom it ain't never chilly. come on. very funny. let's get a little dinner on the table here, huh, edith. dinner's all ready, archie. i'm just waiting for mike to come home.

michael had a very important lecture he had to attend. oh, well, listen, that's tough luck on him. we ain't waiting. come on, edith. get it on, huh? all right. we always wait for you. that, little girl, is because i happen to be the breadwinner in this house. your husband is the crumb. here you are, archie. i'm keeping mike's warm for him. oh, look at this. hey, this looks pretty good here, edith. yeah, it's beef-and-mushroom stew. oh, beef-and-mushroom stew. hey, jeez, that's something good here, edith. you really overdone yourself tonight here. aww. mmm. delicious. ain't you gonna eat nothing here? oh, no, i had a big lunch at the women's league meeting at the church. i ain't hungry yet. all right. ain't you got nothing to do, edith?

i don't mind keeping you company. edith, it makes me nervous to have you sitting here listening to me chew. oh, no, archie, you ain't hardly making any noise at all. [groans] hi. edith: oh, mike! i'll get your dinner right away. oh, thanks, ma. i'm hungry. the day you ain't hungry, i'm gonna phone in the news to bigmouth cronkite. that's funny, arch. funny. honey, what's the matter? oh, michael, i-- ah-choo! you got a cold! you got a cold! get away! get away! get away! what kind of a greeting is that? "get away! get away! get away!" can't you see i feel terrible? honey, this morning-- can't you see that i'm sick, that i have the flu? daddy, do you hear the way he's talking to me? hey, look, now, don't be blowing your bicromes over all the food here. i don't believe this. my own father pushes me away from the table. and my own husband, who i just stood up for before he came home,

you know something, michael, i may be sick, but you're sick. gloria, i'm sorry. honey-- i'll come up and sit with you. all right? dinner, mike. oh, thanks, ma. did you say dinner was ready? edith: yeah. i'll be up in a minute, honey. yeah, he'll be up, honey, as soon as he fills his face here. hey. looks good, ma. what is it? beef-and-mushroom stew. mushrooms? edith: yeah. ma, i don't think we ought to be eating mushrooms. oh, jeez, listen to the ecrology nut over here. mushrooms ain't no endangered species. nobody's going out shooting mushrooms. didn't you see the article in today's paper? they recalled a whole batch of mushrooms because of food poisoning. [scoffs] oh, my! i hope i ain't poisoned you, archie. don't be stupid. if you'd poisoned me, i'd be heaving up all over the table. archie. ma, when did you buy these mushrooms?

that was before the recall. the cans you bought might be some of the bad ones. arch, i don't think you should be eating any more of that until we find out what kind of mushrooms these are. listen, wise guy, if you think you're gonna ruin my dinner with all this bad news, you're wrong, because i'm already finished. arch, i'm just telling you-- [belches] would you bring me my coffee over to the coffee table? all right. arch, i think we ought to check out those mushrooms. and i think that you ought to check out of this here country. what? you're always burnin' down everything that america stands for. america stands for mushrooms? get out of here. you and your heroes like that ralph nader, you're giving the whole country a pain in the butt. arch, you ought to be grateful for ralph nader. do you realize that before 1968 there were hardly any cars recalled for being defective,

and do you realize that in 1974... who cares? nader cares, arch. and you should too. you drive a cab part-time. ralph nader may save your life someday. how? by making people scared to ride with me? the only person that's deflective is nader. nader ain't doing the country no good. oh, oh, oh. i get it. what's good for general motors is good for the country. you're damn right. both: and ralph nader ain't no good for general motors! no! here you are, archie. are you feeling anything yet? what? i mean, are the mushrooms getting to you? what, are you helping? no! i'm feeling fine. i don't want to hear nothing more about mushrooms. oh, that's good. not necessarily, ma. if he's got botulism, the symptoms might not show for hours. if i got what? botulism.

arch, "botulism" means "food poisoning," and i think we ought to check those mushrooms. oh, i think so too. what do you know about it? he's nuts. i'll give you a for instance. how many different brands of mushrooms are sold all over this here country? oh, thousands. all right. and how many cans do you think are bought? millions. so what do you think the chances are of me getting the one bad can out of all them millions of cans? what is it, 100 to 1? what is that, the new math? i'm glad you're all right, archie. one of the troubles with this country is that some little thing goes wrong, everybody panics. oh, hi, honey. honey. i'm sorry. i was on my way up, really. oh, that's all right, michael. i understand. out of sight, out of mind. oh. honey, don't be that way.

yeah. why? oh, no. did everybody eat it? no, just archie. why are you asking? well, because i was listening to the radio, and the news was just on, and they said that three people in queens are in the hospital with botulism from eating canned mushrooms. huh? you hear that? archie! gloria: you know what else they said? they said it was pocono mushrooms. pocono. well, all right, don't start a panic now, will you? edith, what brand of mushrooms did you buy? i can't remember. come on, come on, come on. think, will you? was they the poconos? arch, take it easy. don't panic. will you stay out of this? now, take it easy. don't panic. just think. think. yeah, i'm thinking. all i can remember is there was something funny about the name. pocono's a funny name. what's funny about it? they had a pink label, and they was a bargain: three for 59 cents. so i got three cans. are you telling me that you put three cans of poison in my stew?

why don't you stay out of this? edith, we got to check the cans and see what brand they were. what did you do with the cans? i put them in the garbage pail. you put them in the garbage pail? look in that garbage pail in there. get out of the way here. let me look-- get out of the way! there ain't no garbage in the garbage pail! oh, no, i put them in the trash can. look in the trash can outside. you're in the way, edith. you're in the way. you're in the way. mike: there's nothing here! edith, there ain't no garbage in the trash can. what are you doing? i'm trying to tell you, archie, the garbage men came this morning. well, why don't we call ferguson's? they may not even carry pocono mushrooms. we got to call ferguson's. will you let me get in the door! you're in the way again, edith. you're in the way again. you're in the way again! gloria: i know the number. come on. what's the number? it's five-- five. five. five. [sneezes] come on! come on! three. three. one. one.

two. two. huh? what's the rest of it? you only gave me six numbers! i gave you seven numbers. you gave me six. one of those numbers was a sneeze! will you get on with it? what do you want me to do? do you see a sneeze on this dial? start over, huh? mike: start over. start over. five, five, five. mike: five, five, five. three. three. one. one. five. oh, jeez, here she goes again! what's the number? i forget! aahhhh! look it up in the phone book. don't hang up the phone. keep the line hot there. give me the book. i'll look it up myself. i ain't got my glasses on. i can't see. where's my glasses? ferguson. ferguson. ferguson. ferguson. ferguson. f! f! i got it! here it is! here it is! here it is! both: 555-3152. yeah. well, will you dial the number? five, five, five... ah, ah... archie: hey, hey, hey! don't you sneeze no more! mike: all right, shush. it's ringing! it's ringing! hey! uh, hello. ferguson's? uh-- uh-- do you carry pocono mushrooms? you don't? oh, jeez, i'm okay.

i'm in trouble, edith! mike, ask them, did the can have a pink label? yeah, did the pocono mushroom can have a pink label? with a little yellow on it. yellow on it. a pink-and-yellow label. thanks. oh, jeez, edith, i can almost feel the pain already. daddy, what kind of a pain? what the hell kind of a pain do you think? a poison pain! oh, sit down, archie. no! don't sit down! the worst thing you can do. keep moving. keep moving. let me keep moving here. why don't you lie down? let me lay down, edith. wait, wait! do you want an enema? the poison is up here. it ain't down there, edith! put your jacket on. i ain't cold. come on! we're going to the emergency hospital. emergency hospital? let's go! hurry up! emergency hospital? come on!

i want to go!

ah... ah... ah... i hope you ain't in no hurry. we are. well, you've come to the wrong place. they won't even look at you unless you drop dead. are all these people ahead of us? they're ahead of you. nobody's ahead of me! don't talk to him. he probably got shot in a holdup. next. duffy. joe duffy! i don't believe it. hey, hey, doc-- hey, doc, i got a poison pain knifing right through me here. what's the matter with this man? he says he ate poison mushrooms. yeah. inside. yeah, thanks, doc. hey, doc, doc, doc, what about my arm? hang on to it.

well, it's all over, doc, but i think it starts around here-- these mushrooms you ate, they weren't poconos, by any chance, were they? i got a bulletin on them today. yeah, that was the kind i had, poconos. all right, don't panic. do you have blurred vision? i don't know. i ain't got my glasses. let me try and read something here. yeah, it's blurred. any lassitude? no, she never puts that in the stew, only the mushrooms. i mean, do you feel fatigued, tired? oh, jeez, i could use sleep, doc. well, we better not take any chances. well, i hate to hustle you or anything-- listen, i want to be very careful with this antitoxin. the what? the antidote for botulism. some people are very allergic to it. is that right? what's it do to someone? well, reactions vary. in some cases it could cause arthritis. oh... but the botulism, it can kill you, right? very quickly. oh, well, jeez, let's think about this, 'cause, see, i know a guy that can bowl with arthritis.

okay, let's go for the arthritis. all right, just relax and breathe steadily. yeah, okay, doc, anything you say. [breathing deeply] am i doing okay, doc? yeah, just fine. good. hey, let me ask you something. this anecdote you give, uh... how are you supposed to take that? intravenously. oh, that's good, because i can take anything off a spoon. i can't stand shots. i was worried, coming here on a bus, whether we'd be here in time, you know, because it takes a long time from-- uh... hey! hey! hey-eh-hey-hey! hey-eh-eh-eh! hey! hey! hey. hey!

hey!! hey! hey! hey! hey! hey! hey! hey! hey! hey! hey... can't you walk behind me without bumping into my sore arm? i never touched it, arch. daddy, daddy, are you all right? i've been worried sick about you. why didn't you call me from the hospital, let me know how you were? jeez, it was terrible down at that hospital, little girl. but it's okay. you're gonna still have your daddy with you. listen, help me over to the sofa there, huh? okay. arggh! will you get away from me? just my daughter, huh? here, take me. come on, daddy, come on. come on. here. all right. help me into the sofa. arggh! get away from me! daddy... oh. put the pillow back there, huh? there you go. ahh. thank you, my darling. where's ma? oh, she stopped at ferguson's to get some ice cream. ice cream. archie: yeah. to cool down my burning guts. you know, i think he's delirious. he blew $4.90 on a taxi.

wait a minute. you took a cab? oh, that's all right. i'm gonna charge them mushroom people with every dime of it. of course, i'm gonna sue them for every dime they've got. here, you go get me the number of that law firm that i had the time i had the whiplash there. oh, what was their name? oh, jeez, i forget. now, let me think. there was three jewish guys, all with the same name in the same family-- jewish name. well, what do you want me to do? look them up in the yellow pages under "jewish lawyers"? no, that would take too long. go get the shoebox where your mother keeps all that useless paper. there's a letter in there from that firm to me. i don't know, arch. i don't think you got much of a case. ah, what are you talking about? look at my hurt arm there. look at the way my eyesight went blurry from the lastitude they put in them mushrooms. arch, you still can't prove that you ate pocono mushrooms.

in this country, the good old usa, a man still stands poisoned till he's proved healthy. come on, get out of my chair. you're not sitting in it. your butt always changes the shape of it. get out of there! arggh! you walked into me. get away from-- oh! oh. arch, you still need evidence. what are you talking about? look at all they put me through, huh. look at the way i hurt all over. what about the sworn testiphony of your mother-in-law there? that's evidence, buddy. we got a case. and let me tell you something. a case like that could be worth 20, 25, 50 grand. i'm gonna make them mushroom people put their mouth where their money is. what do you mean by that? i mean that the bosses of that company ought to taste every mouthful of food before it leaves the factory. how are they gonna do that? what do you mean, how? ain't you never heard of the olden days, in the days of kings? the king used to have a special cook to taste the food.

then the king went back to the kitchen and made a sandwich for himself. daddy, i think i found it. is this them? rabinowitz, rabinowitz & rabinowitz? that's them, the three wise men. now, meathead, you're gonna see some swift legal action. get them on the blower for me there. at this time of night? go on. they've got an answering service. get them on the phone there. you wait and see now. [sneezes] ah, don't be spraying into the phone. what do you want to do? give the three jews the flu? give it to me, here. archie, i got the most wonderful news. save it, save it, i'm dialing a number here. at ferguson's just now, i saw some of the same mushrooms you had for dinner, and i brought some of them home. oh-ho-ho, great work, edith. you hear that? your mother-in-law just brought home the poisoned evidence. wait. i thought they were all recalled. only the poconos, mike. that's the good news.

hold on. is this the service--? hold on just a second. what? they got the same pink label as the poconos, but the yellow is just a special sticker that says "3 for 59." ain't it wonderful, archie? you weren't poisoned at all. "you weren't poisoned at all." tell rabinowitz forget it. we ain't got no case! that's wonderful, edith. do you know what you done to us? you just cost us $50,000. i'm sorry, archie. and where does that leave me? walking around here with a lot of that antitoxin cruising through my system, looking for some disease to attack. arch, better luck next time. arggh! mm-mm-mm.

daddy, you ought to try yours. i mean, why waste the shot you had? it's good to see you eating again, gloria. i'm glad you shook off that terrible cold. ah, clamp up, will you? clamp up. she shook off the cold and then she shook it onto me.

captioning made possible by u.s. department of education,phillips petroleum,alcoa foundation coca-cola foundation, rockwell international, and sony corporation what would we do, baby without us what would we do, baby without us and there ain't no nothing we can't love each other through what would we do, baby without us