meow. [ theme song ]

[ applause ] >> thank you. all right. that's very nice of you. i tell you, that-that's very nice of you, but you set off the metal detector. would you-- would you remove your keys, and try it again, please? [ laughter ] you're in a wonderful mood, tonight. >> yeah. >> i thank you, for coming. [ applause ] lemme tell you, you can never tell, when you do this show, what kind of an audience you're gonna have. last night, we had what i would call a mean audience. during the monologue-- right in the middle of the monologue, a guy in a commando outfit stood up and said, "it's a go. take him down!" [ laughter ] isn't this a gorgeous day, today? [ applause ] the sun has been out, two days in a row. [ laughter ] [ applause ] california governor deukmejian went on television, today, and told everybody that it happened

[ laughter ] did you read about fernando valenzuela? lot of ball players-- i guess an arbitration. pitcher for the l.a. dodgers, fernando valenzuela, just signed a contract for multi-millions of dollars-- over a million dollars a year-- with a team. he is so rich, he just got a green gold card-- a gold green card. >> oh! [ laughter ] >> oh, what a great joke that might've been. yeah, that'd have been a great joke. >> a wonderful joke, right down the tubes. [ laughter ] he just got a green gold card. i couldn't say gold green ca-- only-- just flip those words around, and you'll love that joke, on the way home. [ laughter ] tell it to yourself. now, from time to time, i-- [ laughing ] >> i realize a lot of you are from out of town. and you wanna think of things to do. from time to time, we like to give you some suggestions, rather than the normal things you would see. i would suggest you go to the fairfax cinema this week.

it's about a jewish anti-terrorist unit, called the gefilte force. [ laughter ] >> and, in the film-- in the film, their job is to, uh, rescue a guy named murray, who's flying to miami, and forced to eat a non-kosher meal. [ laughter ] >> and it stars chuck norris's cousin, morris norris. [ laughter ] >> hey, that's better than "gold green card!" i said-- i coulda said-- i coulda said "norris morris," and loused that one up. did you know they're working on a sequel to "delta force?" i don't know if you've seen it or not-- called "delta force ii." in this one, the delta force rescues shelley winters from a big mac attack. [ laughter ] there's a special on television i wanna recommend, tonight. really oughta tune in. it's, uh, one -- jacques cousteau gets hit on the head with a philippine's ballot box.

under the ocean. [ booing ] [ cheering ] >> i didn't have anything to do with the election, folks. [ laughter ] >> marcos, even though he was elected president, seems to be in a t-- bit of trouble, because a lot of top european diplomats said they are not, uh, going to attend the inaugural ceremonies. marcos is worried about nobody showing up. so he's tryna get his guest list in volumes, sending out invitations. he has to borrow ed's list, which says, "you may already be a guest." [ laughter ] >> nice deal. president reagan, i guess, is back from the island of grenada, in the caribbean. that's pretty. you said you were there, the other night. >> yeah. >> and, uh, it's a funny thing. when you're in the caribbean, you kinda get caught up in the feeling of the islands. he's having a little, uh, trouble adjusting. uh, his secretary came in and said to the president, this morning, uh, how long would he be working? and the president said, "well, all day,

[ laughter ] [ booing ] >> wow. >> you would boo a lovely song like that? you see who's gonna run for political office? bob hope's son. attorney tony hope announced that he is running-- i guess it's a-- from a congressional district, here in, uh, the san fernando valley. it's gonna be strange. i have a feeling, if tony goes all the way to the top, they'll still be introducing him as, "ladies and gentlemen, the president of the united states, bob hope's son." [ laughter ] you know, this is kinda a special year. you know what year this is? i just found out. this is the 60th anniversary of nbc. >> that's right! >> that's right. sixtieth year. [ applause ] >> that is a long-- 1926 to 1986,

although, i think dr. ruth probably has got a better batting average than babe had. [ laughter ] do you know who it started-- who started nbc? gentleman who was a-a ham operator, david sarnoff, who got no reception on the ham. went out and bought a radio. [ laughter ] [ booing ] >> became general sarnoff. and most people don't know how he came up with "nbc." do you know? >> no. >> sarnoff was sitting a deli, in new york, and he asked the advice of three waiters-- nate, bernie, and chuck. [ laughter ] nate, bernie, and chuck. see? [ laughter ] he got a green gold card. [ laughter ] [ applause ] sixty years is remarkable, though. remem-- the golden girls, at that time, were dating

[ laughter ] sixtieth anniversary is the only one i'll ever see. [ laughter ] i've been with the network 24 years, and you can't buy loyalty like that, but they did. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> not sure? well. those of you who remember radio, and the great shows which are no longer there-- jack benny, fibber mcgee molly, bob hope. who else was on, in those days? edgar bergen, charlie mccarthy. >> w.c. fields. >> w.c. fields. we've gone from that to "the dating game." sixty years, from the wireless to the brainless. [ laughter ] and, did you know that nbc is getting rid of the peacock? >> awww. >> that's right. the nbc peacock, which has been the logo of this network for many years, is-- i don't know-- i guess going to the peacock farm, wherever they go. [ laughter ]

to represent color. but now, nbc needs something to represent stereo, so their new mascot is gonna be prince charles. [ laughter ] [ booing ] >> don't boo royalty, folks. [ laughter ] >> uh-- i mean, it's a cruel business. you go from-- you go from being a logo of a big company, and today, he's the blue plate special at the nbc commissary. if you think about it-- in 60 years, how can you estimate the influence of the national broadcasting-- you realize we have a country full of, what, business executives in their 60's or middle 50's-- professors, scientists-- and they all have one thing in common. they're all able to sing, "it's howdy-doody time! it's howdy-doody time." [ laughter ] he's got a gold green card. [ laughter ] [ applause ] i'da been on a roll, if it hadn't been for that one joke. [ laughter ] anyway, tonight, we've got a really interesting show for you. we have a delightful young lady, who has her own

around the country, and she was just nominated for an academy award in "the color purple." oprah winfrey is with us tonight. [ applause ] and a funny young comedian, jerry seinfeld, is with us tonight. [ applause ] and, later-- and a racing driver. i'm almost to say-- i was almost gonna say "female racing driver," but she is the best. she is the only one, i think, to have won the hot rod association, uh, world fuel, uh, championship three times. miss shirley muldowney is with us, tonight. [ applause ] so, stay where you are, and we'll be right back. [ applause ]

[ applause ] [ applause ] [ music ] >> okay. welcome back. [ cheers and applause ] >> that had, without doubt, the makings of one of the greatest jokes, structurally, i have ever heard. >> yeah, i-- everything was there. >> just set up beautifully. >> the construction of the punch line and everything. >> yeah. >> but, it's like my saying, "hey, we got a good real show, tonight. i mean, a real good show, tonight." something doesn't come out right. >> yeah. >> anyway, if you've just joined us, we have, uh, shirley muldowney, who will be out, in a moment, oprah winfrey, uh, jerry seinfeld. did you ever play-- of course you have-- trivial pursuit. >> yes. [ applause ] >> i guess-- i don't know

and it's a lot of fun, and you can get a lot of hostilities out of your system when you play trivial pursuit. >> yes. a lot of fights. >> people yell and call each other names. there have been a lot of rivals-- i guess, might even -- rip-offs. there've been such things as, uh, rock trivia. >> mmm-hmm. >> "m-a-s-h" trivia, trivia game based on "time" magazine. and st. luke's hospital, in cleveland, has come out-- and i suppose, uh, they raise money for st. luke's, which is a good cause-- with what they call "healthy pursuits-- trivia-type questions about medical knowledge and healthier living." >> right. >> would you like to take a go? >> i'll take a shot at that. >> we have written down some of these questions. >> i'm the most health-conscious person you know. >> yes, you are. all right. one of the-- one of the cards is-- >> my whole life has been devoted to moderation and good health. [ laughter ] >> thank you, president marcos. [ laughter ] how many chambers does the heart have? >> four. >> are you sure? >> the upper ventricle,

i wish i could think of those other two and stun you, but i can't. >> is it oracle? >> aorta. no-- >> no. no, that's a-- the-the or-- >> upper ventricle, lower ventricle, and there's-- four-- am i right, with four? that was the only thing you asked me. >> well, it has four chambers. >> yeah. >> but also two bedrooms and a den. [ laughter ] >> the right ventricle, the left ventricle, the-- what's-- >> aorta! >> the aorta? [ overlapping chatter ] >> right. oracle. all right. [ chuckling ] >> no, no. that's in greece. >> the delphi. yes, of course. all right. what is first-aid treatment for frostbite? if you were frostbitten-- well, i know what you would do, but what should you normally do? [ laughter ] >> same thing you do for heat -- >> i think -- i'll take-- i'll take a guess at this, 'cause i think i heard-- is it cold-- something cold-- you put on something cold? >> what do you mean, "something cold?" >> i mean, like, some ice, or-- you have some ice around. something to take-- >> well, you would always have ice around. [ laughter ] >> you actually immerse in water. >> right. >> it doesn't say whether it's supposed to be cold.

tepid water, or something like that. what causes warts? >> virus. >> virus? >> it's ri-- audience is right. >> very good. >> virus. it-it's not a frog urologist. it's a-- [ laughter ] >> some people think frogs. that's-that's a myth, that frogs cause warts. it's a virus. i don't even know about this. where is the incus found? >> ear. >> is it near the durante? >> what? >> near the durante? incus dincus du-- no, it's-- >> no, no, no. [ laughter ] >> incus. i have no idea. >> it's found in the penus. no-- [ laughter ] >> the penus. incus in the penus. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> wait, a minute. >> penus. i speak real good english. [ laughter ] >> that's penus. p-e-n-u-s. the incus is found in the, uh, in the middle-- somebody, uh, obviously-- [ laughter ] >> obviously, there's

gonna need one, shortly. [ laughter ] it's found in the middle ear. well, you know this one. what is an eeg? >> yeah. >> uh, what do you call it? an electrocardio-- >> cardiogram. >> cardio-- encephalogram? i guess-- hmm? >> i'm sorry, go ahead. >> electroencephalogram. >> yeah. >> if the hand of a bandaged arm goes numb, what should you do? >> loosen the bandage. >> that's right. [ laughter ] >> makes sense, to me. >> i-i wouldn't have guessed that. >> what-what would you say? >> pray you don't have to go to the men's room. [ laughter ] >> you think further into the future than i do. [ laughter ] >> what, um-- in rescue breathing, if the patient's chest fails to rise with each breath, what is your first maneuver? >> turn them over, and press-- >> and?

in the kidney area? below ribcage? >> no, they say try to open the airway by repositioning the neck. >> oh. >> see, i didn't know that. what did napoleon die of? how many of you know? >> syphilis. >> somebody said syphilis. >> no. [ laughter ] >> no. >> arsenic, they said. arsenic. >> lot of the caesars-- [ laughter ] >> what-- how much time-- oh, we-we sh-should wrap this up soon, should we? >> about a minute ago. [ laughter ] >> 'bout-- about a minute ago! what is cpr? you know that. cardiopulmonary resuscitation. what is the name for the-- well, sterilization process procedures in men? you know that. that's a-- >> vasectomy. >> vasectomy, of course. >> or snip. [ laughter ] >> or a line drive. [ laughter ] and, anyway, this says, "name five of the 10 essential things to take with you when you go backpacking."

>> very good. >> no, fire starter, matches, compass, map, flashlight, first-aid kit, knife, extra clothing, food and water, and sunglasses. >> mmm-hmm. >> fascinating. you passed almost-- >> almost passed that, yes. >> all right. we'll be back. shirley muldowney will join us in a moment. oprah winfrey is here, and jerry seinfeld. but, right now, do yourself a favor, and reach for the tabasco flavor.

[ applause ] [ applause ] >> we're back. thank you, tom. my first guest, tonight-- um, shirley muldowney is here, tonight, and, uh-- whose success story was the basis for the movie "heart like a wheel" is not just the world's best female drag racer. no other driver, of either sex, has ever won the national hot rod association's top fuel world championship three times. in the way of introduction, here's a clip, of shirley doing what she does for a living.

[ engines revving ] [ cheers ] would you welcome, please, shirley muldowney? [ applause ] [ music ] that's a-- it's a remarkable-- as-as many times as i have seen you race-- every time i see one of those drag races, it's-it's frightening. the speeds you reach, from a dead-- standing start. >> well, from a dead stop, through 1320 feet, we travel about 260 miles an hour. >> hmm. whew! in-in about, what, less than six seconds, right? >> about five and a half seconds. if you run a six-second run, you're driving a lemon. [ chuckling ] that's a lemon! >> now, uh,

about a year and a half ago. >> that was a bad day, yes. >> that you're still showing the results of what happened, and you're, uh-- you always drive the pink roadster, right? >> the pink car is an image. >> it was going about, what, 250? >> just under 250. >> miles an hour? >> and it just disintegrated. >> well, i had a front tire problem, and it, uh-- this-- the tube took a hold of the steering. and, at 250, the car disintegrated, when it, uh, impacted into, uh, an embankment. >> and there's just nothing, at that moment. >> we don't really know what happened. >> yeah. >> but, the cage-- people think the cage is what's over your head. >> right. >> well, it consists of what's in front of the driver's feet. >> right. >> and, it broke off, at my hips. so, in continued on, for about, um, 600 feet. >> whew! >> and, uh... >> the extent of your injury is you broke your pelvis-- i hate to-- but-- go over this, because-- >> all the good stuff. >> all the good-- the-- your legs-- all the good. [ chuckling ] your legs, and-- >> compound fractures

i lost a thumb, which they-- >> yeah. >> put back on. >> is there a-- is there a moment-- and this, uh-- maybe you don't even recall-- was there a moment, when that happens, and you realize it's outta control, and there's nothing you-- >> yes. >> there's really nothing you can do, where anything at all flashes through your mind? or you-you just think, at that moment, that's it. >> well, i knew it was the big one, johnny. >> yeah. >> uh, i had a ring-side seat. >> ooh. >> and-- i just thought, in my mind, "i'm in a good car. i'll ride it out." and i had-- i'd been around for about 20 years and had >> right. >> so, i thought that, you know i had-- i was very lucky. and, i was very lucky, >> right. >> i'm lucky to be alive, because of the paramedics and the doctors in montreal. >> right. >> doctors in indianapolis, uh-- fact, the indy 500 doctor worked on me, brought me back, and made it possible for me to drive again. >> and you have driven since then, haven't you? >> even with the-- >> oh, yes.

>> well, modification, with the new car. but, uh, i went out at the internationals-- the nhra-- >> right. >> opener, which is held at the paloma fairgrounds. >> right. >> and they know-- they knew i was back. i qualified, number two, with a 5.40-- uh, 47, elapsed time. >> right. >> mile an hour was down, just a little bit. we only ran 252. >> 252 miles an hour. >> yes. so, that-- the crowd'll look at 252 and go, "eh." >> all right. >> they wanna see 260, 265. >> right. uh, a-a timeless question that people ask racing drivers and, i guess, people who flirt with their life, every time they go out-- some people say it's a death wish. i don't really believe that. >> no. >> i suppose, as a professional, you wanna really test the limits of yourself and-and the car, and see how-how close to the edge you can really-really do it. >> well, we-we are on the edge, because we race-- we race a competitor, of course,

>> and who gets there first comes back, for the second round. and, i have lost, by two 1000ths of a second. and the difference between, we'll say, number one and two qualifier-- >> is just-- >> can be just so a-- >> milliseconds, almost. >> that's it. and, we have a timing system called a crontab system-- >> right. >> that, uh-- it doesn't lie. it's very unforgiving. and then they also have a time rea-- a reaction timer, on the starting line, that tells everyone-- and god-- >> right. >> how slow you were on the lights. >> now-- >> and you have to live that down, in the pits. >> now, many driv-- i-i talked with some of the drivers who race, uh, say, indy, and they think the speeds are becoming excessive. they're, you know, now over 200 miles an hour, on that track. >> mmm-hmm. >> and they figure that if something does happen, they're reaching the limits of where they have to almost pull the power of the cars down. is there any limit on these-- on these cars? >> they have. because of my accident, they stepped up the standards. the cars are now-- the weight limit is 1800 pounds. >> mmm-hmm. >> ra-- it was 1700.

driver's compartment. but the technology-- >> right. >> everything that has gone into, um, making the car safer-- >> right. >> the nhra-- they're the first ones to step up and-- well, they were the first ones to accept women, on an equal basis. >> lemme-lemme ask you that. you are in a predominantly male sport. >> it is a male sport. >> yeah. uh, were you accepted, when you-- when you got into this racket, at all? the men say, "wait, a minute. we don't need women, out here on the track." >> well, they didn't say quite that. i can't repeat what they said. >> well, like, i-i was being-- [ laughter ] i was tryna be-- phrase that very kindly, myself, but-- >> well, what they said-- something like, "gee, let's not-- let's not pay any attention." or, "let's not think about this, and the problem will go away." >> yes. >> it got worse. i went to my first-- i went to my first drag race in 1958, and i saw a guy named "big daddy" don garlits. >> oh. >> and, at that time, he was my idol. in fact, he's still my idol. but when i saw him drive a top fuel dragster-- >> yeah. >> i knew what i wanted to do. >> they have great names, don't they?

one that was called don "the snake" prudhomme? >> you bet. >> uh-huh. >> a great-great drag racer. >> yeah. >> tom "the mongoose" mcewen. but, nicknames have always been synonymous with the sport of drag racing. >> sure. >> and i had one, years ago, that i'm not crazy about. >> you wanna-- can you tell us? "cha cha." >> uh-- sure. did i have to tell you? you already-- >> yes, i remember. "cha cha," wasn't it? >> sure. what it-- we-- it was shorter than shirley muldowney, and it didn't take up much-- >> here comes "cha cha." it doesn't sound-- shirley is nice. >> no. >> you're accepted now, of course. >> i would like to think so. >> i would think so. race coming up, in gainesville, florida, in a couple weeks, and, depending on how-how well i do, let's accept me. >> well, i'll tell ya what. we have a practice session, for ya, tonight. >> i heard about that. >> i asked you about this, but we asked you, because we wanna make sure you'd do this. [ chuckling ] >> we have, set up in the hallways of this great network, a little drag strip of our own. [ laughter ] and we've got a couple of these carts they use. i guess you'd call them golf carts-- that people use, and so forth. would you-- and, may i race with you?

>> i have a feeling they souped your-- >> we did not soup the car up. i'll give you your choice of cars. >> all right. >> we would never resort to such a -- [ laughter ] to such a crummy, underhanded trick, as to under-power your vehicle. i'll give you the choice. fair enough? >> o-one condition. >> sure. >> if i can lure you, one day-- >> mmm-hmm. >> to come to a national event-- >> mmm-hmm. >> we have one-- the world finals-- >> right. >> at, uh, pomona, in october, and i'd like to set you in my car. [ chuckling ] >> and fire-- [ laughter ] oh, you'll fit fine. you-you-you're perfect. >> you don't expect me to drive that machine! >> no, i w-- i won't-- i won't expect you to drive it, but what we'll do is we'll unhook the motor from the rear wheels. but we'll start it up, and have you sit on top of 3000 horsepower, and see how you like that. >>that's gotta be quite a thrill. >> it is. it's an awesome, awesome feeling. >> i may-- i may take-- well, this won't be quite as awesome, out here, but-- [ laughter ] >> for us, it's awesome. >> so, when we come back-- i'll let the studio audience know-- we are going to go

starter, and i think tommy's man, at the finish. and we'll-we'll race down the halls of nbc. >> you're on! >> yeah! >> we'll be right back, for that exciting race! [ applause ] >> may the better

>> that's right. [ applause ] [ cheering ] hello there, friends. here we are, at the race track. [ chuckling ] >> i noticed, shirley, occasionally, when racers-- they have logos. [ chuckling ] >> which, i understand, they get some kinda compensation? >> a little advertising here, johnny. >> i'm pickin' up a couple of bucks. now, we're out here, at nbc's drag strip. [ laughter ] and, this is the same place, late at night, where you'll find, uh, backstage jag cruising for vanna white. [ laughter ] we have about-- uh, what would-- how far would you say that-- down where tommy is? >> i dunno. it's about-- >> about, uh, 50 yards, maybe? >> yeah. >> something like that. we have two fine vehicles, here. these are cars that are-- electric carts-- that are actually used, right here, at nbc. this is our audience, back here. >> look at the crowd that turned out! >> what-- look at the crowd, back here. [ laughter ] same crowd that

night, are sitting back here. [ laughter ] or, i might say, tonight, as a matter of fact. and ed is gonna be the official starter. >> yes. >> uh-- >> get in your cars, please. >> few rules. >> few rules. all right. >> in drag racing-- >> yeah. >> if you touch the yellow line, you're out. >> so we have to stay on-- >> you have to stay in your lane. >> all right. >> you can't get into traffic. >> i cannot encroach on your lane. >> that's right. >> okay. >> and you can't-- don't red light, johnny. >> don't red light. okay. >> would you get in your machines, please? >> certainly. here we are, at our machines. >> the race is about to begin. >> twenty-four more payments, and i own this baby. [ laughter ] >> all right. >> just make sure the-- >> lady and gentleman. >> yes? >> would you please start your engines? >> all right. the engines are all ready to go. >> ready... set... wait, a minute! hold it, hold it, hold it! wait! [ laughter ] what is this? >> all right. all right. okay. >> i think they caught that. >> i'm sorry. that's-that's a foul, right? >> give you another chance, now. >> that's a foul. >> it's ready, set, and then go. it's like dialing-- remember? dialing 1-8-1-8. >> that has been the

just premature acceleration. [ laughter ] and i-- [ applause ] >> it's just all it is, is a little anxiety attack. >> are you ready, for the race? >> i'm ready. >> ready. >> ready, set, go! oh-ho-ho! >> he's-- oh, come on! >> oh, come on! i'm coasting to a finish! >> aw! >> all right. [ applause ] [ cheering ] >> come on. >> i'm depressed. >> well, come on. >> and, here, to present the winner, is our-our judge, mr. thomas newsom. miss muldowney. >> i know who you are. >> was it official? >> yes, sir. >> i did win? >> it's a tie. >> well-- >> just to be abs-- [ laughter ] >> what do you mean-- what do you mean it's a tie? i was at forefront-- let's show-- let's show the-- we have a freeze frame photo finish, here. [ laughter ] does that look like a tie, to you? >> you're right. [ laughing ]