monday, tuesday, wednesday, thursday. - gracie, gracie. (applause) - [voiceover] appearing on tonight's show - air raid, air raid! enemy plane, air raid! get to shelter. air raid! - where? what? what? - air raid, air raid! - hey, wait a minute. i don't hear any plane. - hey, you're right. there's no air raid. you're dreaming, chuck. - oh, no, skip, it wasn't a dream. it was washing machine charlie. i saw the bomb hit the cook shack, it blew it sky high. - well, well, it must have all come down in one piece then. you see, it's still there like always. - you had a nightmare, parker-san. - yeah, come on, boys, back to the sack. - come on, chuck. - it must have been my imagination, skip, but i'm telling you, that dream was so real. i could just see this nip plane starting to make its run, then it came barreling in, machine guns blazing uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh! [airplane approaching] - hit the deck!

- whew, man, when you dream, you ain't kidding. - look, those crazy japanese blew up my cook shack. how could you? my own people.

- hey, here he comes. - hey, listen, mr. parker, listen, when's the war going to end, huh? - has my girl been true to me back home? - that new nurse at the new base, is she or ain't she? - oh, now wait a minute, guys, wait a minute. i'm not a fortune teller. i can't tell you every little thing that's going to happen. - what about last night? don't tell me that was just beginner's luck. - well, no. as a matter of fact, my mother always said i was a little supernatural. when you've got e.s.p. though, you can't just turn it on or off. - e.s.p.? what's that? - i learned about it in college psychology. e.s.p. means extra sensory perception. doesn't necessarily mean you have any extra sense. uh, as a matter of fact, i flunked the course. - in my book you're a sea-going swami. now, look, there's a crap game tonight with some high-rolling marines, so close your eyes and concentrate on money.

- now, come on, mr. parker. - please, mr. p.? - well, i'll give it a try. - anything coming? - yeah. yeah, i'm getting something. i'm getting... i'm getting a headache. aw, i'm sorry. i guess i just can't get through to the crap game. hey, wait a minute, wait a minute though, something's coming, something's big. - hey, gang. get a load of this. - what do you got? - what gives? - hey, looks like a treasure chest. - yeah, i was skin-diving off the reef, and i found it in the wreck of an old - trading schooner. - well, what's in it? - come on, open up. [all talking at once] - get back, get back. there it is. - hey, it's a map. - hey, it's in japanese. what does it say, fuj? - [indistinct] you hit honorable jackpot.

- buried treasure? [all talking at once] - mr. parker, correction, swami, you've done it again. - hooray! - hey, you guys, what's all the racket? - it's buried treasure. - we're going to be rich, skip. - 3 cheers for e.s.p. - another dazzling exhibition of mr. parker's occult powers. he had a premonition about it and it came true. - yes, skipper-san, map says japanese trader buried fortune on taratupa. - well, now that's the real thing, skip. - we're going to be rich. - treasure maps are a dime a dozen out here in the south pacific. besides, we're in enough trouble with binghamton already without digging holes all over the place. - here, come on, chuck, we're due over at main side. - wait a minute, wait a minute. something's try to come through again. yeah, i'm definitely getting a funny feeling. - well, scratch it. maybe it'll feel better. - hey, you're right. maybe you got e.s.p., too.

a double strand of matched pearls from the south pacific. huh? oh, i tell you, those girls at the yacht club back home, they're going to flip their girdles when you walk in wearing these. [knock on door] - oh, sir, let me fasten those for you. - oh, thank you very much. what do you mean bursting in here on me like this, i would just, uh--[sputtering] i just wondered what they would look like, that's all. - oh, they're very becoming, sir. - oh, do you think they are? - yes, sir. - they're not mine, you pea brain, they're for my wife. - oh, oh, oh, of course, sir. sir, i really didn't think you would... - well, you better not think. i mean, any loose talk around the base and i'll tear those stripes off of you with my bare hand. - it's a lovely string of pearls, sir. i'm sure your wife will be delighted. - she better be hysterical. a string of pearls like this back in the states would cost you $1,000. of course, i didn't pay $1,000 for them, you know. there's this officer in the new hebrides,

what do you mean, barging in here like this? what, what, what? - well, sir, the seabees were extending the runways out at the air strip, and they request permission to blow up some tree stumps. - all right, blow, blow, blow. i've got to get these pearls wrapped and packed and in the mail. get my shirt. - oh, yes, sir. allow me, sir. here, put your hand in there. that's it. just like to help you as much as i can, sir. can you get that? there. - get away from me! you were almost breaking my pearls. - all right, chuck, what's bugging you? are you sore because i scuttled your treasure hunt? - oh, no, no, it's not that, skip. uh, uh, i'm just worried. i'm getting another premonition, but i can't pinpoint it. hey, that's it, captain binghamton. oh, boy, the feeling's coming in stronger, skip. i gotta to warn him. it's the only sporting thing to do. - wait, wait a minute. warn him? what are you talking about? - a premonition, skip. the captain's going to get blown up in an air raid. - again with an air raid?

and you'll wind up with a section 8. - good morning, sir. - oh, it was up till now. what do you doing over-- [explosion] - i told you, skip. air raid, air raid! don't worry, captain, i'll save you. move over, skip, we've got to get down, get down. hit the dirt. - get away from me, you maniac. that's not an air raid. they're just blasting tree stumps. [mumbling] my pearl necklace. where's my pearl necklace? - pearl necklace, sir? - pearl, sir? well, there must be some mistake, sir. there was nothing about pearls in my premonition. - oh, my pearls. ahh, poor pearls. what a lamb chop day. - did you lose lamb chops, too, sir? skip, we better help him find his lamb chops. - i'll kill you! - no, no, captain, don't blow your

- yeah, my e.s.p. goofed. - your which did what? - well, you see, sir. i had a premonition that you were going to get blown up in an air raid. well, i'm sort of psychic. - is that what you are? you're sort of psychic, are you? then it shouldn't be hard for you to read my mind right, now should it? - uh, no, sir. you're going to ship me out to the aleutians. - that's right. you pack your crystal ball and you go. - oh, no, no, wait a minute, wait a minute, oh, be reasonable, captain, it must be easier to replace some costume jewelry than an executive officer, sir. - costume jewelry, huh? all right, mchale, we'll have it your way. if this is great, white ape is so valuable to you, you give up $1,000 and then he's all yours. - $1,000?! - that's what these genuine pearls that you call costume jewelry cost. now, i'm leaving for comfleet this afternoon, you've got just 24 hours to raise that money, or parker here joins the abominable snowman. any questions? - uh, i have a question, sir.

- oh, boy, a thousand bucks in 24 hours. - ah, that's impossible. - well, we've got to try something. - ah, i appreciate you guys trying to help me, but it's all my fault. - oh, come on, mr. parker. don't give up without giving it a good, old fight. throw a trance. you'll come up with something. - yeah, come on. think. [all talking at once] - take it easy, will you, you guys? let him concentrate. - well, could give it a try, i suppose. ah, no, no, no, no. - hold it, hold it. that's it, mr. parker. you've done it again. - now what'd i do? - you psyched into the solution. here it is, the treasure map. - there has got to be a thousand bucks down there. - please. - oh, now wait minute. you know what the skip said about that. - besides, you're the psycho. - mr. parker, the old e.s.p. has already hit twice. this is the big one. come on. lead on. show us where the treasure is hidden.

- 17, 18, 19. - oh, that's it, 20 paces to the giant coconut palm. - yeah, made it a fraction over 19, better take smaller paces. - well, gentlemen, we're on the last lap. the giant coconut tree, 40 paces. there you go, sir. straight ahead. pot of gold. - 1, 2, 3, 4... - hey, let's get the picks and shovels, men. the swami's on the beam. - i got my pick. - 21, 22, 23, 24, 25. turn left. 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36. hi, captain binghamton. 37, 38, 39... - what are you doing here?

- oh, oh, i'm sorry, sir. i just went in for a drink of treasure. i mean, water. - a drink of water? what are you trying to do, burglarize my quarters to raise that $1,000? - no, sir. no, sir. really, i was really parched. look at my throat. - oh, that does lookad. i don't care about your throat! you shut your mouth when you talk to me. now i'm leaving for comfleet. i'll be back by o700 hours, and you better have that money, cash on the barrel head, or you're out, out, out, out! - yes, sir. i'm going-- have a nice trip, sir. i'm sorry, sir. - i said get out of that bathroom. - i thought--i thought-- here's your toothbrush, sir.

- mr. parker. what in the heck are you doing in binghamton's hut? - well, where do we start digging? where's the treasure? - yeah, come on. - 10 feet under the captain's bathtub. - huh? - bathtub?

- hey, guys, here comes the skip. - hey, skip, come here. - hey, skip, come on over here. shh! - hey, skip, where've you been? - oh, i've been out trying to raise some dough to get you off the hook, chuck, but all the guys that owe me money are busted till payday. - hey, how come you guys are here? and then, what's with all the tools? - oh, well now, skip, don't get sore, but, uh, we thought if we could dig up that buried treasure, we could maybe get, uh, mr. parker squared away, - and... - skip, we're sorry. but we know you didn't go along with it. - well, i didn't go along with it then. but right now, i can't think of any other way of raising a thousand. so, come on, let's go. where do we start digging? - mr. parker's already, uh, located it. he's got it paced off. - well, good, let's get going. we haven't got much time. - we might have to move a small building. - well, no sweat. we'll get a half-track and just haul it out of the way. what building is it, chuck? - captain's hut. - oh, well that's no problem.

ah, ooh. all right, come on, you guys, let's go, let's go. - we've done some wild things, but moving the captain's hut. - that's the only way we can get to the treasure. and you better pray that there is some treasure down there. at least $1,000 worth. - right. now i lay me down to sleep. - ok, settle up, christy, let's go. - bless aunt regina and cousin wally and uncle fred and mike and sam and roy. - all right, that'll do it, that'll do it, chuck. let's go. all right, take your strain, take your strain, easy, easy. - ensign, you're going to like it here on taratupa. our c.o. is a regular guy. as a matter of fact, we all call him old lead bottom. old lead--

tomorrow morning, sir. - well, the admiral set the meeting back a week. i made the whole trip for nothing. i went all--don't you have any friends that are out, ensign? who is that, man? - oh, i don't know, sir. i never saw him before. i see you're lushing it up again. i can't step off the base for one minute without my aide - gets bagged. - me, sir? oh, no, sir. sir, i am never under the influence when i'm on duty. as a matter of fact, i must report that everything is under control on the base. - oh, it better be. - sir, can i buy you a little nightcap before you retire? - oh, a little, well, just one quickly. yes, i'll have one. - what'll it be, sir? - i don't care. what ever you're drinking. - oh, yes, sir. steward, 2 shirley temples. - shirley temples? - that's what i'm drinking, sir. - oh, elroy. one of these days i'd like to bend your straw for you. shirley temples. sit down with a jerk, you get a lot of jerk. - can i have another straw? - 37, 38, 39, 40. this is it, skip. - ok. all right, tinker, bring in the dynamite. - dynamite?

- well, look at it. it's like cement under this dirt. if you don't blast her, we'll be digging here all night. - holy mackerel, lead bottom. - oh, boy. - come on, hit the brush. here. get this. come on. let's go. - shirley temple. that carpenter. with him inside it's a wonder the base is still intact. aah! oh, my glasses. where are my glasses? uhh...my hut? where's my hut? my stairs are here, but my hut is gone. - what are we going to do? - well, the first thing is, we get the hut back. on the double. i'll try to stall binghamton. - captain, are you sure? - of course i'm sure. i saw it with my own eyes, didn't i?

how could i see it? it wasn't there. - well, i don't understand. - hi, hi, captain, carpy. captain, i thought you were over at com fleet. - i came back early. and mchale, so help me, if you had anything to do with stealing my hut, i'll... uhh! - stealing your what? - my hut. what'd you do with it? did you sell it to the natives to get parker off the hook? - what's he raving about? - he says his hut's disappeared. - what are you 2 whispering about? carpenter, are you in on this, too? - oh, no, no, no, - no, no, no. - i'll take him to the hospital. now, you just take it easy, sir. - get your hands off of me. - but, sir. - oh, no, no, no, no. now wait a minute, captain. tougher fighting men than you have cracked, yes, sir. so just take it easy. - carpy, give me a hand. - right. - i am not going to any hospital. i'll prove to you that my hut has been stolen. - no, no, no, no. captain, captain. - you think i don't know what i'm talking about. now you look right over there where my hut used to be.

- your hut. - that's right. why... - now will you go to the hospital, sir? - well, well, i don't understand this. i walked right up those steps, and i fell flat on my face. - i don't understand it either, sir, because you didn't even have a shirley temple. - well, it's like i said, sir. it's just a touch of combat fatigue. yes, sir. - he's never been in combat. he's just been sitting behind a desk ever since the war started. - oh, shut up. - well, easy does it, sir. - oh, what a night. - yes, well, a couple of good days rest in sick bay will fix you right up, sir. we'll go over there and now, and they'll give you a sedative, and, why, you'll get a good night's rest. yes, sir. - no, no, no, no. i'm too sick to go to sick bay. i've got some sedatives right in here. - oh, are these the sedatives, sir? i'll fix them for you. - oh, no, you won't. i don't trust you. you'll try and poison me. - i'll do it, sir. - i don't feel well. oh, what a night this has been.

- how many pills should i give him? - well, he's a pretty sick man. but i wouldn't stick my neck out, carpy. no, sir. if he oversleeps in the morning, he's going to blame you. no, if i were you, i'd tell him to fix his own dose. yes, sir. - smart thinking, commander. you know, i don't care what they say, you're not all bad. - hey, captain. sir, i'll just leave the sedatives on the table and you can fix the dose yourself. good night, sir. and, sir, i do hope you wake up in the morning in full possession of your senses. oh, i mean... - get out of here, you knucklehead. - nighty night, captain.

- ok, boys, let's get the hut ready to move ain. - with the captain in it? - he's out like a light. those pills did their work, boy, good. - now wait a minute, skip. i can't let you take this risk. - oh, come on, we're not backing out now. let's go, you bunch of happy house movers. come on.

- oh, i'll never take a sedative again. bad side effects. - hey, what in blue blazes is going on here? you want to wake up captain binghamton? - hey, what happened? - the hut's hung up on a stump or something. it's coming up kilt. - oh, brother, that's all we need. all right. come on. let's go, let's move it over here.

- i've got to get out of here, must be an earthquake. [screaming] what the devil is going on around here? what are you men doing here? what's going on here? what, what, what? - well, you see, sir, we...i just want you to know it was a pleasure serving under you, sir, and i'll send you a postcard from the aleutians. - get up off of your knees. get me off the deck. [mumbling] get your filthy hands off of me. now, you listen to me, you little pipsqueak. you listen to me good, i'm going to get some answers here. what is all this shaking and shoving? huh? huh? huh? - we're dead. - no, we're not. not yet.

the minute i give you a signal, let her blast. go on, move, hurry up. - say something! - yes, sir. uh, what's new? - captain, captain, we've got to get out of here right away, any second now. washing machine charlie's due any second, yes, sir. - washing machine charlie. what are you talking about? you're trying to steal my hut, that's what you're trying to do. - oh, no, sir. why, mr. parker here had a premonition that that nipper would come right over, and score a direct hit right on your hut. - that's right, captain, a direct hit. - no, no, no, no, no, sir. you have no faith in his psychic powers. so, we took matters into our own hands. yes. we moved your hut to save your life. - mchale, you're sick. you're sick, sick, sick. i've never heard of such a feeble, riculous excuse. - hit the deck, it's an enemy attack! enemy plane! washing machine charlie. take cover, boys. - i don't hear any plane. - it's an enemy plane, sir. he's gliding in.

down, sir, down. down! - [whistling] - why, you little devil. there he goes. all clear now, captain, yes, sir. all clear. that's it. there you go. oh, look at that, sir. here. - man, what a hole. - yeah, right where the captain's hut used to be. - listen, we could've been sitting ducks. - captain, if it hadn't been for mr. parker, that would have been your grave. - not exactly, skip. you see, in my premonition the captain was blown up and out about a 100 yards, and then he started to hook. - uh, uh, uh, uh, spare me the details, boy, spare me the details. bless you. you saved my life. - and your life is certainly worth more than a measly $1,000, isn't it, sir? - oh, my, yes, yes.

plenty more where they came for, right, chucky-boy? - right.

- well, it's been a long day, i think i'll check into the sick bay like you suggested. chucky, you stop by my office in the morning. i'm going to check with you before i make a move. i want to know about those premonitions. aah! [laughter] i should've checked with you, chucky-boy. - sorry, wally.

ahh! - oh, what a war. - ok, big louie. now, i'm fed up with you pushing me around, see. and i'm tired of doing all your dirty work for peanuts, see. so, i'm cutting myself in for half the take. - this is the good part. watch what tough tony does to big louie when they get down-- - try to ruin picture. stuff face and shut mouth.

no good, 2-bit rat fink. - ok, you devoted movie fans, everybody up. picture's over. [all talking at once] - ah, it just goes to show you, urulu. the only good rat fink is a dead rat fink. - urulu really dig that kind of jazz. - ok, now down to business, old noble chief. - right. that fine picture was just a down payment on your shipment of fruit mash. now, let's see. 20 jugs at 6 bucks apiece means that you get-- - not so fast. urulu fed up, you pushing him around. deal off. - what do you mean off? - a deal's a deal. - yeah, the guys are right, urulu. you take back that fruit mash and you're an indian giver. - [yelling]

if tough tony not work for peanuts, urulu not either. i start own booze racket. urulu come back for mash in morning. fondue. fondue. out of way, punk.

- ow! oh! [mumbling] oh, oh, what are you trying to do, kill me? - i'm sorry, sir, it's admiral rogers on the scramble phone. - admiral rogers. why didn't you say so? don't just stand there. get the phone. oh! aah! - i'm sorry, sir. - [grunting] i'd like to give you what for! - hello, admiral. ha ha. captain binghamton here, sir. - my aide tells me he was just going through the files and the official treaty for the use of mchale's island was never signed by chief urulu. mchale is trespassing. - mchale is trespassing. - now, i have fly to pearl harbor for a week. i'll send you a copy of the treaty and i want it signed by the time i come back.

over and out. - i heard, sir. shall i contact chief urulu immediately, sir? - yes, yes, have him over here this afternoon. have him over for cocktails. - for cocktails? that cannibal, sir? - did you ever think what would happen if that cannibal didn't sign the treaty? - oh, it would be terrible, sir. why, we would have to have commander mchale and his entire crew right here on taratupa. - mm-hmm, where we could watch them night and day and one misstep, pow. - sir, your guest has arrived. - greetings, old great and noble chief. oh, you brought a friend. well, that's delightful. i was just about to open this champagne, chief. won't you try some of this? - hmm, 1937. what mob bootlegging discount merchandise. - oh, ha ha ha. isn't that cute, carpenter?

ha ha ha. oh, look here, chief, i'd like you to try some of this delicious caviar. - oh, knock off coconut polishing. and you no call me chief any more. from now on you call me boss. now, what do you want? - well, you are a sly one, chief. i mean, boss. i guess we're going to have to come right out and tell you. you see, there's been a little oversight, chief, uh, boss. this treaty allowing the navy the use of mchale's island, you forgot to sign it. - it's just a little tiny mistake, you understand. so, ha ha, if you'd be kind enough to, uh... - yeah, see? right here at the bottom. you see we can't keep mchale and his crew out there without your signature. - can't? - no, no, no, no, of course not, certainly not. he'd have to move from his island and we wouldn't want that, would we, boss? now, if you will just sign right here on the bottom. sign. - who are you trying to con, wise guy? i no sign, and you tell admiral that my final word.

- ahh, well, carpenter. we tried, didn't we? we'll just have to tell the admiral that we tried and we failed. - not feel so bad, wally. maybe you lose island but you gaining buddy. you ok for dirty, crumby rat fink. - [speaking in native language] - oh, i'd like to-- - sir, sir, don't you realize, sir? it worked. it worked. oh, oh! sir. i'm sorry, sir. - oh, that's all right, elroy. i'm so happy i don't mind. i'm even willing to waste this beautiful pie. - oh, afternoon, captain.

- good afternoon, quinton, my boy. here's another pleasant surprise. - oh, ha ha. "to lieutenant commander quinton mchale, subject: orders to transfer"? - those are your walking papers. as of 1200 hours tomorrow you and you brigands are being transferred from this thieves' paradise over to the main base, where i can keep an eye on you around the clock. how does that grab you? - oh, come on. cut the kidding, captain. we were stationed here by admiral rogers personally. - that's true, mchale. the admiral was under the mistaken notion that we had a treaty with urulu leasing this island with the navy. - only the chief forgot to sign it and now he's changed his mind. - thank you, elroy. that makes you trespassers, squatters, vagrants, so start packing. that's an order. - aye-aye, sir. bye-bye, sir. - bye-bye.

- it's like being condemned to devils island. - yeah, them s.p.s will be breathing down our necks 24 hours a day. - ah, skip, we'll be in the brig within a week. - all right already. will you pipe down? the way i see it, there's only one thing to do. we got to go over and sweet talk urulu into signing that treaty. - but how? ever since he saw that gangster picture, he's become one tough gorilla. - well, then we got to figure out a way to soften him up. - hey, i got an idea. why don't we invite him over tonight and show him a shirley temple movie? well, she always made me cry. - all right, let's go, chuck, let's go. good luck. [charleston music playing] [knock on door] - [speaking native language] - uh, benny sent us. - benny? benny who? we don't know any benny. - benny, you know. come on. come on. hey, ha ha ha. yeah.

boy, oh, boy, you sure got some speakeasy here, all right. yes, sirree. - why you come here, mchale? you case joint for own mob? - oh, no, no, you got us all wrong, urulu, old buddy. why, we just came over here for a friendly pow-wow. - [speaking native language] never talk business in front of poo poop pe doop girls. [speaking native language] that mean 23 skiddoo. - 23? they don't look a day over 18 to me. - now, urulu-- - use coffee cups for booze. fool feds in case joint raided. $2.00 apiece. you owe me $8.00. - $8.00? - syndicate set price. - ok, chuck, pay him. - down the hatch. - now what you proposition, mchale? - no proposition, urulu, no.

to you yesterday. uh, you know, after all you and me have been friends for a long time. - forget it pal. i no sign treaty. - oh, smooth. - urulu, be reasonable. - this my territory. see, anybody try to muscle in, i rub out, see? - i don't see anything. - besides, i no need you, mchale. i got lead bottom on my side. - so, i should have figured there was some kind of hanky panky going on around here. aha. - [speaking native language] - come on. aha, so you let binghamton get to you, huh? - nobody get to big urulu. i call shots around here. - speaking of shots, i'll have another one. - well, urulu, you won't be calling him for very long, i'll tell ya. that binghamton is sneakier than that tough tony in that movie. yes, sir. ha ha. you want to know something? he'll give you the shove, 10 minutes after we leave.

scout don't change stripe over night. it's high time i show lead bottom who boss man around here. - oh, no, no, no, no, urulu, no, no, no. be reasonable now. just sign the treaty. - oh, you finish, mchale. come noon tomorrow, you out of business. too bad, but that the way coconut crumble. - oh, i guess we told him. 23 skiddoo. - oh, chuck, come on, will ya? listen... - [speaking native language] - well, uh, greetings, chief, uh, boss. that's a lovely hat you're wearing. - always dress formal when come to talk business, lead bottom.

- protection? protection from who? who, who? - from me, me, me. you no pay off, never know what happen. - good heavens. how dare you break my window. - you no pay protection. lots of windows may be get broke. [clock chimes] - my ship's clock. - you no pay protection, lots of ship's clocks maybe get broken. - now, you listen to me, fat boy, you can't scare me. i'm a captain. i'm not going to pay you any protection. i'm not afraid of you or your overgrown pygmies. - you talk tough but nobody push me around, huh? you no pay off and i be stool pigeon to admiral rogers. - admiral rogers? ah, stool pigeoned to admiral about what, what?

drunk with champagne, so i no sign treaty. - you wouldn't do a thing like that. you would. you'd do it. you dirty--what--what kind of protection did you have in mind? - oh, nothing cheap. but first payment would like 100 cases canned meat. 4 of the life rafts and own private jeep. - i'll take care of you, you big... couldn't we talk this over? - talk is cheap. you no pay-off, i squeal and you take rap, go to the big house.

i really want to show you something. karen o.: 1, 2, ready, go l-o-v-e it's a mystery

is love ow! ooh ooh... [howling] announcer: for great play ideas, visit www.smallstep.gov. - well, good-bye, happy home. - yeah, it was great while it lasted. - of all the rotten luck.

i'm so mad i could-- [boom] what was that thing? - hey, everybody, duck. [explosion] - sorry, skip. - oh, that was sure a close one. good thing there wasn't anybody--oh, no! captain binghamton. captain binghamton. are you all right, sir, are you all right? - of course i'm all right. it was awfully nice of you to ask. thank you, quinton. - quinton? - well, now look, sir. we, uh, i can explain. - oh, you mean about the gig? ha ha ha. don't worry about my gig. the navy's got plenty more where that one came from, chucky boy. - chucky boy. now i know there's something wrong. - yeah, me, too, skip. every time my mother called me that meant a spanking. - a spanking. did you hear that, quint baby?

hey, you got quite a sense of humor there, boy. - you mean you're not mad at me, sir? - oh, mad at you? of course not, boy. - well, all right then, captain, if everything's ok, then what do you want from us? are you in some kind of trouble? - me in trouble? don't be ridiculous. - ah, oh, ridiculous, huh? well, then, uh, is it that your scheme to put the screws to us didn't come off, captain? or, uh, is it that chief urulu has you over a barrel maybe? - urulu, don't you mention that cannibal to me. compared to him, al capone looks like a choir boy. he's going to bleed me white if we don't get him - to sign that treaty. - uh-huh. - worse than that, he'll tell the admiral that we purposely disobeyed orders. - disobeyed? oh, well, so, that's it, captain. suddenly, we got to pull your chestnuts out of the fire, huh? - well, your chestnuts, too, mchale. you want your happy little island, don't you? and i want my career and my future, my life. - ah, well, i'm not so sure about that, captain.

for it. hey, you guys got any ideas? - oh, i don't know, skip. it's all my fault. if i hadn't have asked him to see that crummy gangster movie in the first place. - yeah, he wouldn't be walking around like a jungle john dillinger. - ah, well, i got to admit captain, i'm, uh... say now, wait a minute, something's coming to me. - what is it? - let's hear it. - well, now, if urulu wants to live like a gangster, maybe we can arrange for him to, uh, die like one, huh? - help, help, help! they're after us. - they're after us! - save us! save us! help! - oh, urulu, you got to save us. it's mchale and his mob. they're after us. - we had them court-martialed but they broke out of the brig and they rubbed off the guards in cold blood. - you got to help us before it's too late. - what kind of malarkey you trying to hand me, punk?

not got guts to hurt tsetse fly. [gunfire] - aah! - let's go. that dirty rotten binghamton has got to be in there. all right, the party's over. - you guys no can bust in here. this private speakeasy. you got no right to come in here. and besides you out of uniform. - not for our mob, we ain't, fat boy. all right, on your feet, stewey. - oh, oh, don't kill me. i'm too young to die. - ah, that ain't for us to say, buster. that's up to the boss. - stay by the door, lefty. you, too, righty. - no, no, i beg of you, sir. mercy, mercy.

- you wouldn't shoot a man with glasses. - yeah, ok, boys, show them we got a heart. shoot a guy without glasses, him. - they got me. ohh. why was i born with 20-20 vision? - what come over you guys? you sure not like you used to be. - how do you know what we was like in the old days? - yeah, the only reason we joined the navy was because we were on the lamb. but your cop loving friend there found out about us and blew the whistle. so, now he's going to get paid off by, uh, the enforcer. - all right, you guys, step back while i give this guy what all

sit down. now, it took us a while to catch up with you, didn't it? - hey, scarface, we ain't got all day. - yeah, i know. oh, yeah, boss, i forgot about the main side massacre. - ah, mercy, mercy. - ah, shut up, captain rat fink. you've been asking for it and now you're going to get it. take this. width, 27. length, 68. - yeah, it ought to be a perfect fit. all right, boys, bring it in. easy does it. ah, cement's a little wet yet. better let it set before we drop him in. - no, no, no, i--i-- i can't go in there like a tzi tzi fly, huh? look at that, a cement kimono. - what did you expect, crumb?

low down, double crossing rat fink. uh, stool pigeon. - gee, i love that kind of talk. - it good thing i just friendly native. right, fellas? boys? pal? - sorry, fat stuff. but we can't have no witnesses. ok, dumb dumb. we want to give them a real nice funeral. - oh. - hey, skip, it's working. - yeah, he swallowed the whole bait. hook, line, and sinker. - nothing can stop us now. nothing, nothing, nothing.

- mchale, we got to talk. urulu too chicken to die. - forget it, punk. there's no way out. pour the cement. - oh, urulu, if you'd only listened to me and signed that treaty, none of this would have happened. - but what if urulu change mind? then no have to bump us off. - pipe down, will ya? it's one thing i can't stand it's a crying fat man. pour the cement. - no pour cement, kimono, no about. i sign. i sign. i sign! hee hee. - yeah, quick before they change their minds. sign the treaty. a pen. a pen. who's got a pen, the pen? - hey, scar face, the pen. hurry up. - the pen. - pen. - well, uh, i must have dropped it. i mean, uh, i'll run back and get one. out of the way, mink. i mean, ah, pink, pink.

uh, look, buster, beat it. this is my territory. - ensign parker, huh? - uh, trick or treat. you see, we were celebrating halloween a little early this year. all the guys get all dressed up. - mchale, where is that imbecile parker? i don't want blubber belly to change his mind. [knock on door] - come on in, scar face. you sure took your time about-- about--uh, 10-hut. - admiral rogers, sir, i can explain this whole thing, admiral, it's just a-- just a big joke. - just a big joke, eh? so, you pull urulu leg. you not really tough guy. the whole deal off. i not sign treaty.

- ok, fat boy. get in the barrel. take that fed with the gold braid with ya. - chuck, have you flipped? - admiral rogers, i had nothing to do with this, sir. i'll see that this man is court- martialed the first thing in the morning. - binghamton, you want to get us all killed? you may think this is a joke, captain. and you may think these killers are not tough, but i know better. why, their pictures are hanging in every fleet post office in the south pacific. - oh, yeah, yeah, admiral, you must be mistaken. these men aren't really-- - button your lip, you creep. - ok, fat boy. you're next. - oh, no, wait. i lousy dancer. i sign. i sign.

- hey, how about that, skip? - captain, oh, captain. captain? - so, when the brass at pearl harbor really started pestering me about the treaty, i decided to come directly here. - ha ha. - never dreaming of course that we'd have to resort to such unorthodox tactics in order to get it signed. - oh, the boys and i are sure grateful you went right along with us, sir. believe me. - the main thing is that we got the job done, huh, mchale? - yes, sir. - i'd like to say good-bye to captain binghamton before i leave. - sorry, sir, but we don't have a saluting arm free for another couple of hours.

o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o. i'm mister ed. a horse is a horse, of course, of course and no one can talk to a horse, of course that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous mister ed uh-oh! good morning, ed. what are you doing out here? i'm looking for the newspaper. i can't enjoy my morning cup of hay without the newspaper. well, how nice for you. you just have to wait'll i get finished with it. i don't like a gooey paper. ed: i don't leave it gooey. yes, you do. you're always turning the pages with your tongue. ed: no! there it is, up on the roof.