martha, helen's here. helen. oh, it's been so long. my, it's good to see you again, martha. come on in the living room. i'll take your bags on upstairs, sis. [doorbell rings] hi, mr. wilson. what do you want, dennis? i wanna know who that lady is that just came in to your house. that doesn't concern you. are the her suitcases? never mind, tommy. hi!

hello, dennis. tommy. come on in, boys. oh, martha, let's not spoil everything. don't be silly, george. boys, i'd like to have you meet mr. wilson's sister, mrs. forbes. hi, mrs. forbes. i'm dennis mitchell, mr. wilson's best friend. you are not. i'm tommy anderson. well, it's nice meeting you both. well, all right, boys. now, come on. let's run along. say, do you have any children? well, in a way, i used to have 30 of them. 30? boy, i sure do wish i could live in your neighborhood. what i really meant was i was a schoolteacher. i taught history. all right, boys. now, my sister's come a long way to see me-- did you bring him anything? as a matter of fact, i did. oh, sis, you shouldn't have. sure, she should. what'd you bring him? well, if you'll get me my little suitcase, i'll show you.

sis, try not to get involved with that dennis. he could spoil your entire visit. oh, george, he could not. dennis is a sweet little boy. in a way, he reminds me of george when george was that age. i deny that. that kid drives me crazy. here it is, mrs. forbes. thank you, boys. oh, this is going to be a big surprise for you, george. oh, my old copy of treasure island. he won it in an elocution contest when he was a little boy. you know, i thought this had been lost long ago. i found it in our attic. ha ha. treasure island. what's treasure island? what's treasure island? why, it's one of the great classics of english literature.

my dad's reading me one called spotty, the shetland pony. oh, great scott. my dad's reading me one called day on the farm with betty and bob. how can they read such things to children? why, george, they're children's books. i know, but children should be brought up on the classics. how can they learn anything from stories about a pony or a day on the farm? i know where milk comes from. tell him where. boy, will you be surprised. oh, great scott. it comes from-- i know where it comes from, dennis. not bottles. i know it. ooh, he drives me out of my mind.

"and go back to the time "when my father kept the admiral benbo inn "and the brown old seaman with the sabre cut first took up his lodging under our roof." "the old fellow's fury was awful.

"drew and opened a sailor's clasp knife, "and balancing it open on the palm of his hand, threatened to pin the doctor to the wall." hey, mr. wilson, you closed the book. i know. i told you i would if you climbed on me again. now i'm off. well, it's too late. but we're not through. oh, yes, you are. besides, my eyes are tired. but we don't know if the captain pinned the doctor to the wall. i told you, dennis. my eyes are tired. you want me to clean your glasses out for you? no, i don't. try pinching your nose. that's what my dad does when his eyes get tired. i am not going to read anymore. why don't you go up and take a nap, and we'll wait for you. no. you want us to come back later? oh, great scott. i'm going out and getting a drink of water. why don't you try using some witch hazel on your forehead. that's what my grandpa does for his eyes.

look, boys, will you just please leave me alone? what's the matter, george? oh, they're just pestering me. he won't finish the story. there's this fierce captain and he's just about to pin the doctor to the wall and we don't know if he did or where the treasure is or anything. i see. well, i'll tell you what. if you come back after lunch, oh, about 2:00, i'll read some more of the story to you. gee, that's swell.

ththat was a wonderful lunch, and that cake. mmm. i'm so glad you enjoyed it. you sure you don't want help with the dishes? no. you and george just sit and relax. well, now, that's the first time in five years i've gotten out of wiping the dishes. [doorbell rings] i'll get it. hi, mrs. wilson. it's 2:00.

for what, boys? mrs. forbes is gonna read the rest of treasure island to us. what's this? george, we've been talking so much, i forgot to tell you. i promised to read to the boys. well, i hadn't expected that. do you mind, george? oh, no, no. that's all right, sis. you just go right ahead and enjoy yourself. i'll find something else to do. i'll tell you what, george. you can help me with the dishes. "they got the money, you say? "well, then, hawkins, "what in fortune were they after? "more money, i suppose? "no, sir. not money, i think, replied i. "supposing that i have here in my pocket "some clue to where flint buried his treasure. "will that treasure amount to much? "amount, sir? cried the squire. "it will amount to this. "if you have the clue you talk about, "i fit out a ship in bristal dock, "and take you and hawkins here along,

"now, then, if jim is agreeable, "we'll open the packet. "and he laid it before him on the table. "the was bundle sewn together, "and the doctor had to get out his instrument case "and cut the stitches with his medical scissors. martha, do you realize our living room is literally crawling with little boys? oh, george, there are only four of them. well, that's four too many. with all that noise in there, i can't read or work on my stamp collection or even watch television. martha, what happened to all the cookies? the boys got hungry. i'll make you some more, dear. well, there were some in here when i was wiping the dishes. i know, because i saw them. it was when you were taking your nap. nap? ho. who could sleep with four little kids singing, yo ho ho and a bottle of rum? you ho ho and a bottle of rum. dennis, come over here. let's try it on now and see if it fits.

you look like a regular captain kidd. i know it. there. how's that? swell, except that i can't see anything. you're not supposed to. then how come they wore 'em? oh, i guess they wore 'em just to make 'em look real fierce. hey, do i look fierce? you sure do. can i get a parrot? i don't think so, son. i hope you boys aren't being any bother to mr. wilson. heck, no. we just sit there while mrs. forbes reads to us. i guess mr. wilson doesn't like the story anymore 'cause he spends all his time in the kitchen. oh, that's too bad. you know what mr. wilson does now when he takes a nap? what? he takes the cookie jar with him. yo ho ho and a bottle of rum. "the captain blinked "with that same uncomfortable smile. "here's my old shipmate o'brian. "suppose you was to heave him overboard?

and i don't take no blame for settling his hash." martha, do you realize that women has been reading to those children for three days now? george, you're speaking of your sister. yes, i certainly am. i can't call this house my own anymore. she's turned it into a kindergarten. the reading aloud was your idea. yes, but i knew when to stop. by golly, i'm going in there and speak to her. "slipped off my shoes, "ran quietly along the spar galley, "mounted the forecastle ladder, and popped my head out of the fore companion." helen-- all: shh! did you say something, george? well, i started to, yes. you wanna come over here and sit beside me, mr. wilson? no, i don't. "i knew he would not expect to see me there, "yet i took every precaution possible, "and certainly the worst of my suspicions

george wilson, you're a sly dog. what are you muttering about? martha, take a look at this. what is it? it's a treasure map of our front yard. it'll not only get the children out of our living room but it will get my zinnia bed dug at the same time. what are you talking about? well, look. i've marked an x where i want my zinnia bed. now, when dennis finds this map, he'll be out there digging it for me in two minutes. but he'll never believe that this is a real treasure map. of course he will. well, you heard what sis said. there were pirates in this area, and there could be buried treasure in our front yard. don't you worry. he'll believe it all right. but dad, i just gotta dig in mr. wilson's yard. that's where the map says. dennis, stop arguing. i've told you before, this is not a real treasure map. but dad-- not another word, dennis. you know how important

and he'll be furious

hi, mom. hello, dear. now, don't eat anything. it'll spoil your dinner. i didn't come out here to eat. i came out here to show you this swell pirate treasure map i found. oh, doesn't that sound exciting. sure, and don't you think i ought to go dig up the treasure? oh, i don't know. we might miss you if you sailed away to some pirate island someplace. the treasure isn't on an island. where is it? well, it's sort of right here in town, so don't you think i ought to go dig it up? where is it right here in town? well, it's sort of right here in the neighborhood. let me see that map. jeepers, mom. why, that's mr. wilson's yard. you know you can't dig up mr. wilson's yard. i wonder who could have drawn such a map. some dirty old pirate, i guess, and it slipped out of his pocket

hello, alice. may i come in? oh, yes, mr. wilson. please do. as a matter of fact, i'm glad you came. look what dennis found on our front porch. some pirate dropped it. well, what do you know. a treasure map of my front yard. of course, i told him he couldn't dig there. well, why not? yeah, why not? mr. wilson, you're always so particular about your garden and you keep it so beautiful. i'd be delighted to have the boys dig there. you would? of course. just be sure to dig exactly where the map says. 10 paces from the big oak tree coming toward the center walk. 10 paces. 10 paces. that's right. i'm gonna go get the kids. bye. mr. wilson, that was very nice of you. oh, alice, it was nothing really. actually, i drew that map myself. see, i want the boys to dig

well, i certainly hope they dig in the right place. oh, they will. don't worry. see, when i paced off the distance, i took very short steps, just as a small boy would. i'm gonna take 10 paces. and that dirty old pirate wasn't any little kid, either, so i'm gonna take real big steps so we'll be digging in the right place. 1, 2-- george, i think it was wonderful of you to draw that map for the boys. oh, well, i like to see children have fun. 10! hey, look what that dirty old pirate did. he hid his treasure right under mr. wilson's front walk. we can't shovel through this. heck, no. we have to use the pick axe. and i don't see anything wrong with it. it gives the boys a chance to have some fun, it fills their little hearts with innocent joy... [picking]

great scott! will you look what those kids are doing! boy, this is sure hard. yeah. you know what i think we ought to have. i think we ought to have a sledge hammer. dennis! what do you think you're doing? digging for treasure like you said we could. well, you're digging in the wrong place. certainly. 10 paces brings you right beside the walk. right here. now, you dig right here, or i'll call the whole thing off. follow this map. i'm home. boy, being a pirate is one of the hardest jobs i ever had. find anything? not yet, but i'm gonna dig some more in the morning. well, don't dig too hard, dennis.

oh, it's a real map, all right. mr. wilson said so. all right, son. you better run up and clean up for dinner. jeepers, pirates don't wash their hands. well, they do in this house, young man. now run along. henry, i have an idea. i think it's a shame, those boys working so hard, and there's nothing there. i don't know what we can do about it. well, i do. i have an old costume jewelry bracelet that has some spanish gold pieces on it. you know, imitation ones. i don't remember that. oh, i haven't worn it for years. anyway, we could wait until dennis goes to sleep tonight and take the coins off and bury them in the hole. yeah. boy, are you sure these aren't real, honey? they could fool me. no, they're just imitation. it's amazing what they do with costume jewelry these days. that's quite a treasure.

guess i better call the wilsons and tell them what i'm doing. they'll think i'm a prowler. oh, they're not home. they took mr. wilson's sister to the movies tonight.

okay, maties, start digging.

holy smoke, pirate gold! pieces of eight! there's another one. there's another piece of eight. boy, we're gonna be rich. hmm. that's curious, martha. those boys seem to be finding something out there. oh, wonderful. what is it? i don't know, but i'm gonna find out. dennis, what's going on? hey, mr. wilson, we found the pirate treasure. it's pieces of eight. well, i don't know what it is they found, but i'm going out and take a look. i got three. i got five. i got two of 'em. huh? let me see those coins, boys.

why, great scott. they are real spanish gold pieces. sure they are, mr. wilson. well, look, boys, your good old friend mr. wilson is going to do you a great big favor. boy, thanks. what are you gonna do? well, now, i know you're tired from all this digging, so i'll do it for you and give you each a dollar besides to buy whatever you want. there's one for you, dennis. there you are, tommy. there's for you. for you. gee, thanks. all right. there. i'm gonna buy one of those little airplanes that you wind up with a rubber band. me, too. oh, fine. only understand now, boys, any more coins i find belong to me.

or i could take back the dollars and you can dig. uh-uh, mr. wilson. you go right ahead. yeah, you dig, mr. wilson. all right. why... great scott. here are two more of them. good for you, mr. wilson. stand back, boys. i'm going to use the pick axe. boy, you sure are strong, mr. wilson. we could hardly lift it. you watch this. good grief! hey, mr. wilson, you hit oil. no, no. that's water. i broke a pipe. but it doesn't matter. with the treasure, i can fix 100 pipes.

it doesn't matter, martha. we're going to be rich. mr. wilson! you've broken your water pipe. i know, but i'm finding gold. george wilson, are you out of your mind? i'll show you who's out of whose mind. you take a look at those. real gold. sure, it is, and i've got five of 'em. mr. wilson, i've got to talk to you, but you've got to come in the house and sit down while i do. and give everybody a chance to steal my treasure? nonsense. you go ahead and tell me. mr. wilson, there is no treasure. those coins came off of a costume jewelry bracelet of alice's. i buried them there myself last night. you what? great scott. well, martha, don't just stand there. call the water department. what kind of a dirty old pirate would draw a map when there's no treasure there? don't bother me now, dennis.

come on, dennis. my baseball stuff's in the closet. hey, jeff, that's a tv set. i know it. it's'sine. are you trying to tell me there's an upstairs and a downstairs tv set in this house? is that what you're trying to tell me? sure. the one downstairs is remote control. are you trying to tell me you've got your own personal tv set? sure. my mom bought it for me right after i had my adenoids out. now they can have their programs and i can have mine. are you trying to tell--

let's play some baseball. heck, no. i'm going home and talk to my dad. i still think you ought to call opie at the fix-it shop. i don't see any reason to pay opie good money for a job i can do myself. i can certainly fix a vacuum cleaner. hey, dad, am i glad it's saturday and you're home. well, that's nice to hear. i tell you, son, later on we'll go out and have a little game of catch, huh? i don't wanna play catch. you know where i've just been? jeff ellwood's house. you make it sound like a visit to buckingham palace. sure. you know what jeff's got? a tv set. well, so have we. not in my own personal bedroom. you mean he has his own tv set? sure. it was an adenoid present. old jeff just had his adenoids out, and blooie, he got a tv set. well, he was a lucky boy.

sorry, son. not a chance. hey, mom, don't you think i ought to have a tv set? no, i don't. but mom-- i'm sorry, dennis. i have to load some clothes in the washer. hey, dad, don't you think-- hey, where you going? i have to fix the vacuum. i'll help you. hey, dad, did you ever think that if i had my own tv set, you could watch whatever program you wanted to? did you ever think of that? huh, dad? longingly and often. then why don't me and you go down to detwiler's department store and pick one out? no, dennis. go and unplug that for me, will you please? hey, dad, we could probably find a second hand tv somewhere. no, dennis. turn the light on for me, will you? i wanna see if the wall plug works. well, that works. what are you doing, dad? well, i'm trying to fix this switch. i think there's something loose in there.

well, i know a little bit about it. you know how to fix things and you know how to make things. a few things. well, then how about making-- not a tv, dennis. go plug it in again for me, will you? okay, dad. there you are, dad. thanks, dennis. now... hey, dad, you turned off the lamp. boy, it sure is pretty tricky when you can turn off the lamp with the vacuum cleaner. yeah, pretty tricky. turn the lamp on again. i can't. henry, something's happened to the washing machine. all of a sudden it stopped. hey, dad, you turned that off, too. i bet you turned off the whole house. i didn't turn off anything. i must have blown a fuse, honey. like when mr. wilson gets mad? no, like in the fuse box. there's a spare one in the kitchen in the top drawer.

who are you calling? the person i should have called in the first place: opie. i'm not going to say a word, because i haven't an "i told you so" bone in my whole body. no, but you sure drop a mean hint. [groaning] [groaning] what is it, dear? i got this great big kind of fierce pain in my adenoids. right about here? yeah. i see. is my groaning bothering you, mom? no, dear. don't you think i'd better have my adenoids out? [laughs]

for your information, adenoids are in the throat. they are? yes. why, that dumb tommy.

good-bye, dad. good-bye, son. where you going? i'm gonna move out and start earning my own living so i can buy a tv set. you're gonna stay right here. where do supposed a boy your age would get a job? well, i was thinking about getting one as a night watchman in a tv store. well, that's out of the question, so you'd better forget all about it. [doorbell rings] but dad-- that's enough, dennis. hi, opie. hi, henry. what do you say, dennis? hi, opie. what do you got in that suitcase? a baloney sandwich. i was gonna start earning my own living,

well, it could happen, all right. what's the trouble with the vacuum, henry? i think it's a got a short. it blew a fuse. well, it ain't no use to fret. opie can fix it. right in here, opie. thanks a lot for coming over so promptly. well, it weren't no trouble at all, henry. i had to drop by mr. wilson's anyhow. what did he bust, opie? he ain't busted nothing. his tv set needed adjusting for flopover, then i fixed it up for a remote control unit. hey, my friend jeff ellwood's downstairs tv's got one of those. jeff told me so. sure, opie fixed it up for him, just like mr. wilson's. boy, i sure would like a tv set with a remote-- dennis. i didn't know you could install a remote control on an old set. opie can. i fixed lots of 'em up all over town. i'm going over and take a look at mr. wilson's. maybe he'll let me run it. well, don't bother him if he's busy, dennis. okay.

hi, mr. wilson. oh, hello, dennis. i came over to see your remote control. hey, where's your tv set? we moved it upstairs to the den. let's ask mrs. wilson for permission to go up and watch it for a while. mrs. wilson's visiting her sister for a few days, and i don't have to ask for permission, dennis. why don't we go up and you can show me how your remote control works. i'll help you count your money afterwards. i'm not counting my money, dennis. i'm working on my coin collection. and why should i show you how my remote control works? because my friend jeff ellwood's downstairs tv's got one of those, and i need to practice. but you don't have to if you don't want to, mr. wilson. well, i'm glad you see it that way, dennis. sure. i'll figure it out myself. huh? oh, great scott. here we go again. dennis, come back here.

hey, mr. wilson, how do you turn it on? i told you not to touch it. i didn't touch it, mr. wilson. i just looked at it. how do you turn it on? oh, with this. hey, mr. wilson, how come you're using that instead of just turning the knob? because with this you can sit on the sofa and tune the set without getting up. or you can stretch out, make yourself really comfortable, or you can slip off your shoes and know that you don't have to move for hours. you can sip your favorite drink. i'll have a root beer. dennis, i didn't mean you. i meant me. excuse me, mr. wilson. sit down. now, you just push this button, and the set goes on. okay. i'll push it. hey, it went on. well, of course it went on.

no, it doesn't. i'll say this for opie: he took an ordinary, run of the mill television set and turned it into a modern technical wonder. can you make it go louder? well, of course i can make it go louder. you just--i just push this button. can you make it change stations? of course i can make it change stations. i just push this button. now watch. boy, that's swell. it certainly is. why, with this control, i can do most anything. can you turn off a lamp with it? of course not, dennis. my mom's vacuum cleaner can. you can't expect a vacuum to pick up leaves, henry. it ain't natural to the mechanism. maybe dennis-- if you've gotta clean up leaves, henry, use a rake. vacuums are for indoors. opie, i-- you probably burned out the motor, but i can fix it. i gotta take it down to the shop. if anybody used it outdoors, it was dennis.

and you can pick it up then. okay, opie, but i want you to know that i didn't have it-- i want to talk to you, young man. i'll see you down at the shop, henry. bye, dennis. i can't bear to see a piece of machinery abused. dennis, did you use that vacuum cleaner outdoors? sure, dad. don't you remember? you told me to clean up the leaves. well, i'm very angry with you. jeepers, dad, you weren't yesterday. you looked out the window and said, dennis, that's a very good job. then you gave me a quarter. well, it's gonna cost me $5.00 to get that vacuum cleaner fixed. do you want your quarter back? no, dennis, but-- you wanna play a game with me? no. you go out and play with tommy. he can't come out. when he told his mother he had a stomach ache in his adenoids, she put him to bed until the doctor could look at him. so will you play a game with me? well, all right. what do you want to play? let's play tea kettle.

well, i'll tell you something with the word tea kettle in it, and you have to guess what tea kettle is. okay, shoot. now, if i had a tea kettle in my room, i could learn all about cowb-- dennis, you march right upstairs. can i come down later and watch the cowboy movie on tv? you can come down later, but you're out of luck about the cowboy movie. i'll be watching the golf tournament. now march. what are you doing in here? i'm using dad's binoculars to watch the charlie chan movie. what? on mr. wilson's tv set. dennis, you shouldn't be looking in at mr. wilson. i can't even see mr. wilson. he must be lying on the bed working the remote control. well, never mind that, anyway. your father says you can come downstairs now. is the golf tournament over? it hasn't even started yet. he wants to know if you'd like to go with him to opie's

okay. i couldn't hear what the charlie chan movie was all about, anyway. all i could tell was that the number one son kept falling through trapdoors. 9, 10. there you are, henry. now, if you keep it indoors, you ain't gonna have a bit of trouble with it. opie, i didn't--okay. come on, dennis. you know what i wish we could buy, dad? i wish we could buy-- dennis, you don't want to be punished again, do you? i'm not talking about a tv set. is that what you thought i was talking about? well, i certainly did. heck, no. what i'm talking about is a remote control for a tv set. opie's selling lots of 'em, henry. no thanks, opie. come on, dennis. how about if i buy it with my own money? could i do that? well, all right. i've got 40 cents. i'm afraid that won't quite cut it, dennis. how about if i rent one? could i do that? well, i expect not, dennis.

yeah, i just thought something i gotta do. what did the doctor do? he took my temperature and felt my pulse, but i guess i didn't have either one 'cause he told my mom i was okay. gee, it sure was swell of jeff to let you use his downstairs remote control. he isn't letting me use it. his folks aren't gonna be home, so he rented it to me for a dime. you sure that's gonna work on mr. wilson's tv? opie said these are exactly the same. look out the window with your dad's field glasses. hey, it's on. sure. but i can't hear anything. i'll turn it louder. man on tv: i love having your head on my shoulders. your face is so soft. woman on tv: they don't matter at all. i love you so much.

man on tv: and i adore you. fremont, did you put your foot on the tuner? but what are we going to do about your mother? she hates me. she'll love you when she gets to know you. boy, isn't this swell? yeah. this is more fun than having your own tv set. now, don't you touch it, fremont. i've got to get my nap, and i can't do it with that tv set on. hey, it went off. boy, i guess opie didn't fix it as good as mr. wilson thought he did. can you turn it on? i'll try. what about your father? why don't you take the job in daddy's factory? i want to be a writer, darling. is it that you want to be a writer, or is it your false pride? oh, martha, you little minx.

you're playing one of your little tricks on me, huh? well, now, fremont, where could she be hiding, huh? i know. in the closet. marth-- ha ha. we know, don't we? she's out in the hall. marth-- martha? martha, where are you? okay if i change chnels? sure. see if you can get a cowboy picture. that can't be martha.

i've already seen this picture. me, too. i'll see what else is on. yeah. turn it a little louder. [telephone rings] hello? hello? i can't hear you, mitchell. of course you can't. turn your television set down. we can hardly hear ourselves think over here. i've been trying to turn it down, but my remote control unit's running wild. i'll turn the set off, mitchell. [tv turns off] hey, it went off. yeah. i'll turn it on again.

[tv turns off] boy, something's sure gone wrong with this remote control. yeah, and jeff charged you a whole dime. i'll give it a tap. alice: dennis, come to dinner. okay, mom. boy, i'm hungry.

opie, this is george wilson. what kind of a contraption did you sell me, anyway? it's running wild. why, i had to unplug my tv set. simmer down, george. simmer down. you're liable to blow a gasket. now, what's running wild? this remote control unit. why, it turns itself on and switches to cowboy programs. the volume's so loud they can hear it next door. opie'll be there inside of 10 minutes.

hello, martha. where are you? i'm still at elizabeth's, dear. but i miss you so much, i had to find out how you are. well, i'm fine, but i'm afraid our tv set isn't. i finally installed that remote control unit, and it's running wild. you know, for a moment i thought you might be hiding in the closet playing your tricks on me.

ha ha ha ha. i don't know about that. you remember that time in atlantic city? and on the 10th hole, his drive went a good 250 yards. [knock knock] may i come in? of course, mr. wilson. you can have dessert with us. it's chocolate pudding. well, thank you, no. i came over to apologize for that noise from my tv set this afternoon. that's all right, mr. wilson. sure. otherwise, i couldn't have heard it. opie came over and looked at my tuner, and as soon as he turned it up, it seemed to be all right again. he wouldn't even admit something was wrong with it. opie can be pretty stubborn. well, you folks just go right ahead with your dinner. i'm just awfully sorry about that noise. good-bye, mr. wilson. that was awfully nice of him. i was having trouble with my tuner today, too. your tuner? sure. i rented one like you said i could, from jeff ellwood's house. i've been running mr. wilson's tv set

what? i don't believe it. shall i turn it on for you? no! you take that right back to jeff. and never rent it or borrow it or bring it in this house in any way ever again. do you realize the trouble you've cause this afternoon? no. what? well, the noise practically blasted us out of the house and it upset mr. wilson and he had to call opie. jeepers, i didn't mean to cause any trouble. i just wanted a tv set to watch. well, you'll certainly never get one that way. you stand a better chance of getting your own tv set if you learn to be a good boy, obedient, helpful. okay. that's what i'm gonna do from now on. and you know how i'm gonna start out? i'm gonna clean my plate even if it is liver. he's asleep.

to help me with my suitcase. i know it. i've been helping everybody since yesterday, and if i keep on helping 'em for six months, i'll get a tv set. you know, i'd play a little trick on him if i knew how to turn on that new remote control unit. i'll show you, mrs. wilson. you just press this button. now we'll hide in the closet. [cowboy movie plays on tv] remote control's not for me. george, what are you doing? martha! hey, mr. wilson, how come you jumped on your remote control

you--

- [voiceover] leave it to beaver starring barbara billingsley. hugh beaumont tony dow and jerry mathers

(upbeat music) - [ward] beaver, beaver don't eat so fast. - gee dad, i gotta eat fast to keep up with wally. his mouth is bigger than mine. - breakfast is not a race, beaver.

you should have spent the money on eating lessons. - well thank you, wally. but i don't think you should give advice on etiquette when your mouth is full. (laughter) (gulp) - yes, sir. - you know, beaver, i think that summer camp did you a world of good. you know, you must have put on five or six pounds. - that's on account of my friend chopper. every week his folks would send him pies and cakes and junk and chopper went halves with me. - i thought there were rules against sending food at camp. - i know, that's why chopper's parents sent him books. - books? - yeah, underneath the books, that's where the pies and cakes and junk was hid. - [wally] hey, that's neat. that kid's parents must be pretty sharp. - i don't think it's very sharp to break the rules. do you want more coffee? - yeah, please. - after they set lights out, me and chopper would go through the pies and cakes and junk. - did either of you go through the books? - gee dad, we were on vacation, we didn't want to read books. - for sure dad, he's more interested

(laughter) - hey mom, could chopper come over and stay with us some weekend? he's a real neat kid and he's one of my best friends. - i don't know why not. do you, ward? - have him here, by all means. - what about this weekend? - this weekend? well, i guess we could stretch a point. - boy, it's lucky you can stretch it, dad, he already invited him. - [beaver] i did not, i just kind of did. bet you all will like chopper, he's a real neat guy. i bet he'll bring a lot of presents, his dad's always giving him stuff. - what does mr. chopper do? - that's not their last name, mom. it's cooper. he manufactures baseball mitts or tennis rackets and good junk like that. i'll go call chopper. - i'll speak to his mother. - [wally] hey beeve, while you're talking to him kind of hint around that i need a new pair of football shoes, huh. - but wally, i don't think you should sponge off your brother's friends.

i got friends of my own. (laughter) - well hi, chopper, i'm beaver's father and we've certainly heard a lot about you. - thank you. mom couldn't bring me, but she'll be here sunday to pick me up. - oh, well we're happy to have you with us, chopper. come on in. - yeah, thanks. where's old beeve anyways? - [beaver] chopper, chopper! - hi, beave. - hi, chopper. look, i got on my camp sweater too, neat huh? - yeah, neat, just like at camp. hey beave, how's about we give them the old camp cheer? - sure - [both] we are from camp konig from camp konig are we. k o umlaut n i g, yeah! - well, that's very good, boys. how do you do? here, let me take that. - won't you come in, mr. cooper. - i'm not mr. cooper. - [chopper] he's my uncle dave. - oh, well i'm sorry, mr. uh, uncle dave. - now you behave yourself, understand? - yes, uncle dave. - i just dropped him off, his mother

so long, young fellow. - bye, uncle dave. - mrs. cleaver and mr. cleaver. - bye. - bye. well, shall we go inside. - you know, chopper, you're uncle doesn't look much like an uncle. - we'll he's not my real uncle. he takes my mom out to dinner sometimes. i think he'd like to be my new daddy. - did something happen to your old daddy? - oh, no, he's at his home with his new wife. this box of candy is a present for you from my mom. - that's very kind of her. - i phoned pop and told him mom was giving her candy, so he sent this over, it's for you mr. cleaver. - oh, well, thank you chopper. it certainly wasn't necessary. - pop always sends something special when i tell him mom's giving a present. - well, shaving lotion. - uh huh, pop get's it in london.

- for me? - uh huh. this one's for me. - wow, look wally, look what i got from chopper's father. and he sent dad a bottle of shaving lotion. - it's from london. - and mom got a box of candy from mrs. cooper. - oh, chopper, this is beaver's older brother wally. - hold on. how do you do? i'd like to welcome you to our family. - you a real brother? - heck. yeah, sure. i'm not fake or anything. - chopper, do you have any brothers? - no, not real ones. but i do have three half brothers and one half sister and i used to have two step brothers before pop's second divorce. (laughter) - oh - uh huh. - well, wally, why don't you take chopper's bag upstairs? - [beaver] i'll take it, dad.

i got it fixed up real neat. i got two new model kits and they're the neatest things you ever saw. - ward, don't you think that- - dear, could i give you a hand with lunch? - gee, you guys don't have to go in the kitchen to talk. well, heck, i know all about divorces and stuff. i go to the movies. (laughter) - well, sure, sure wally. but why don't you take chopper's bag upstairs? - okay, i'll get lost. (laughter) (playful music) - i hope that chopper isn't too sophisticated for beaver. he's never known anyone with two sets of parents before. - well that's true, but he seems like a nice boy, even if he talks a lot. - you think we ought to say something to beaver. - no, you know how kids are. they're going to start talking about football or baseball and the subject will never come up again. - it was a little embarrassing when i called uncle dave mr. cooper. - you should have known he wasn't the boys father dear,

(laughter) - and every christmas and every birthday i get two parties. see my mom gives me one, then my pop, he goes and gives me one. - boy, you must get lots of presents. - lot of presents? man i get loads of presents. i got stuff, you know what? they're still in the box. - boy, my best present is a train set my dad gave me for my last birthday. - electric train's my best present. with miles and miles of track, and all kinds of cars. passenger cars and freight cars and a steam engine with real smoke coming out. and switches to steer the train and- hey beave, tell you what. you come to my house, i'll let you work it. - you mean it, chopper? - sure. and you can wear my engineer's outfit with a hat and all. - what about next weekend? i'll ask my mom about next weekend. - swell, and i'll show you all the other stuff pop and his new wife got me. man they always come through real neato. - what about your mom, what does she give you?

- well, i guess you can't get all good stuff. what about your uncle dave, did he ever give you anything? - oh, sure, he gave me an airplane set. - i got an airplane set. - with an engine that makes it fly in the air and all? - no, my plane you're supposed to glue together. - oh, i know that kind. mrs. inbetween gave me one like that. - who's mrs. inbetween? - oh, you see, that's what mom called the wife pop had before he married my stepmother. - boy chopper, it must be hard to remember the names of all your mothers and relatives and stuff. - you know something, even pop can't remember all of them. - he can't? - nope, sometimes he asks me about my step brother and he calls him what's-his-name. (laughter) - hey, you guys, it's 10:15. - we know it's 10:15, we got a clock in here. - well it's 10:15 and i'm trying to get to sleep, so pipe down, will ya? - alright. hey wally, make a muscle for chopper, will ya? - cut it out, chopper doesn't want to see my muscle. - sure i do.

(laughter) - [chopper] boy, you got more muscle than my three half brothers put together. - okay, now pipe down and go to sleep, will ya? oh, hey, and another thing. you guys didn't wash or brush your teeth like you were supposed to. - how do you know? - cause i felt your toothbrushes, they're both dry. - well, we'll go and wet them later. - look, you just go in and wash and brush your teeth, see? - okay, come on chop. - [chopper hey, beave, is that guy your real brother? - sure, he's my real brother, why? - well, if you ask me, he's more like a step brother.

(upbeat music) (laughter)

- looking at myself. - well, what's so neat about that? - it might not be neat to you, but it's neat to me. - you're goofy. - hey wally, if you're going to take a shower don't wake chop up, he's still sleeping. - hey, how come you're not still sleeping? - i woke up to think about stuff. you know, chopper's got all kinds of fathers and mothers who always send him presents. - oh, well heck, beave, maybe he's just giving you the old business. - no, he's not. he's got an ex-mother, a step mother, and a whole lot of half brothers. you know, wally, if might be neat having a whole lot of different families like that. - are you goofy, beaver? you want mom and dad to get a divorce? - just supposing they did, sure be neat getting a whole lot of extra presents at christmas and birthdays and stuff. - look, mom and dad are not going to go out and get a divorce, just to make you happy, so forget about it. - must be easy, chopper's pop gets divorces all the time.

why don't you go and move in with him? - i can't, not unless mom marries him. - look, you little goof, mom's happy with dad. you shouldn't listen to that kid and all the junk he's been telling you. now will you get out of here, i want to take my shower? - okay, but don't wake chopper up. - sure, sure, if i fall down in the tub and break my leg, i won't even scream. (laughter) get out of here. - hi, mom. - good morning, beaver. where's your friend? - chopper's still upstairs asleep. mom? - [june] yes, dear? wally says you're happy with dad. is that right? - of course i am. what makes you think i'm not? - because you don't go around laughing "ha ha ha" all the time. - well, honey, people can be very happy without laughing "ha ha ha" all the time. your dad's a fine father and a wonderful person,

and stop playing with that batter. (laughter) - hey mom, if you ever did get married again, would you marry a husband who's a good present giver? - well, i hate to disappoint you, beaver, but i'm staying with your father. - oh. - dear look at this, there's starch in my shirts again. all six of them, they're as stiff as a board. - i forgot to tell laura when she came. - well, it seems to me the least you can do is tell her, "no starch." we've been through all this before. - [june] my you are in a mood, aren't you? - [ward] what did you do with my briefcase? - it's right in the hall, dear, where you left it last night. - oh, hello beaver. - hi, dad. (playful music) - hey dad? - yeah, what is it, beaver? - are you happy with mom?

- are you thinking about getting a divorce? - well of course not, beaver. you don't divorce someone you really love. - when do you get a divorce? - usually when a husband and wife are hopelessly incompatible. - what does that mean, "incompatible"? - oh, it's just when two people can't get along together, when they're always shouting and screaming at each other. - like you just did. - i was not screaming at your mother. - yeah, but you were shouting. - i merely raised my voice. - but that's the same thing at shouting. - beaver, what's all this talk about a divorce? i thought you loved your mother. - oh, i do. and if anything ever happened, i'd always love her more than any of my step mothers. - beaver, i think you should wake chopper up. breakfast will be ready in a few minutes. - sure, mom.

- he was just hinting that i need a new husband. dear, i don't think that chopper is a good influence on beaver. - i know, dear, but he'll be going home tomorrow and beaver will forget all about this kind of talk. - ward? - yeah? - you wouldn't really think about getting a new wife, would you? - well, not right now, i think there's still a few good years left in you. (laughter) - yeah, it's a real neat place and they call it yellowstone. and it's got boiling springs and steam coming out of the ground all over. and a big lake and they even got a geyser that goes off every hour, on the hour. - i think i saw a picture of that in my geography book. how do they get it to do that? - you see, they don't get it to do it, nature does. - how does nature know it's an hour? - same way it knows when it's spring and summer, i guess. - yeah. boy, if nature every goofed off the world would sure be in a mess, wouldn't it? - yeah, sure would. - did your dad take you to yellowstone?

mom paid him to take care of me all summer. she was too busy getting divorced. - well, i guess it was pretty neato, a college guy. - yeah, and he didn't care what i did. and, at night when he went out, i got to eat in the hotel dining room all by myself. - could you order anything you wanted? - sure, and once when i was eating alone, the guy who played piano in the lobby came and ate with me. - i guess it was sure neato, right? - yeah, it sure was. (phone ringing) - i'll get it, dear. - hello? yeah, yeah this is mr. cleaver. oh hello mrs. cooper. what's that, i can't hear you? oh, sure, sure, chopper's having a fine time. it's chopper's mother, i think she's been crying. - the poor thing. honey, you tell her not to worry about chopper,

- well i'm sorry you don't feel well, mrs. cooper. yes, yes, i understand. - then this guy hit a home run, and that's what won the game. - wow, we'll win the series for sure this year. - [beaver] hey dad, you want to play catch? oh, excuse me. - well, mrs. cooper, i'll be glad to drive him home myself. no, no don't upset yourself. it's no trouble at all, i assure you. (sad music) no, really, it's not. - guess i better start packing. - gee, chop, where you going? - home. pop must have called and they had a fight. happens all the time. - [ward] now mrs. cooper, can't be that bad. - and mom must have got the weepies again. she needs me. - well mrs. cooper, i'll have him there in an hour or so. not at all, not at all.

well, chopper, i'm sorry, i guess i'm going to have to take you home. - yeah, i figured. i was having too good a time. (sad music) - i'm afraid chopper's going to be in for a very rough time. - oh honey, i feel so sorry for him. - hey mom? - yes, dear? - chopper said his mom had the weepies. what are the weepies anyways? - what do you think that means? - his mom was crying? - [june] i'm afraid so. - why? - why do people generally cry? - because they're sad. dad? do men ever get the weepies? - sometimes. - think mr. cooper gets them, too?

- boy chop, i sure hate to see you go. - yeah, me too. - hey, when am i coming over to run your electric trains? - you wouldn't have much fun at my house. - you goofy or what? - i don't have much fun, why should you? - gee, you got all those families. - so what? so my mom keeps telling me how mean my pop is. and when i visit pop he tells me how mean mom is. your folks ever do that? - never. - yeah, it's better the way it is with your mom and dad. i saw them together downstairs, standing close like you see in the movies. guess they like each other, huh? - yeah, i guess they like each other pretty good. - ask me, you're lucky.

getting all those presents and things and stuff. boy, if i had all that, i'd sure be happy. - no, you wouldn't. you'd do what i do at night, when i'm sad. - gee chop, don't tell me you get the weepies, too. - boy, oh boy. - guess it must run in the family. - [wally] hey, if you guys want i can toss the ball around now. hey chop, where you going? - home. oh, here, i got a present for you. go on, take it. - but gee chopper, it's yours. aren't you going to need it? - what for? my mom doesn't play baseball. (sad music)

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- well, i'm glad you went in when you took chopper home. - his mother was so upset, she wanted someone to talk to. i tried to be noncommittal, but i think she realizes that by trying to hurt each other through chopper, she and her husband are really only hurting the boy. - well, i hope they do something about it. - for chopper's sake, so do i. - hey wally, you only slept in the guest room two nights. think mom changed the sheets in there? - oh sure, you know how mom is. she'd change the sheets if i only slept in there one night. - she already changed the sheets in your bed, and chopper didn't even take his socks off when he went to bed.

- you know wally, i been thinking. i guess it's better to have two good parents like mom and dad, than a whole lot that are just pretty good, even if you do get a lot of presents. (knocking) (laughter) - well, it's good to see you two back together again. - i changed the sheets on your bed, wally. - gee mom, you didn't have to do that. beaver said chopper slept with his socks on. (laughter) - beaver, i'm sorry your friend had to go home early. - that's alright, mom. i like chopper, but gee, he's sort of an awful grown up kid. - well, don't stay up too late. night - night. - night, wally. - goodnight, fellas. well, thanks beaver. - i'm really too big for that, dad. but i did it because i don't want you ever to get the weepies. - [june] night, boys. - [wally] goodnight.

(laughter)

- [voiceover] leave it to beaver starring barbara billingsley, hugh beaumont, tony dow and jerry mathers

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- yes, you told him he could use it if he got an a in spelling. - at's right, he did double cross me and get that a, didn't he? - you know, i think it's so sweet wally and the beaver going fishing together. like they used to when they were younger. - my older brother used to take me fishing when i was about beaver's age. he liked to have someone around to hit in case things went wrong. - well, if he hit you, why did you go? - i don't know. i guess i must have valued companionship more than i hated bruises. - well, i'm glad my boys aren't like that. wally's far too mature to pick on the beaver. - you dumb little creep! - what's the matter now? - your line in, you didn't put any bate on it. - i just feel like fishing, i don't feel like catching anything. (lyrics) jingle bells, jingle bells jingle all the way - what are you singing that for? it's not even anymore smear christmas. - i know. i just like it, that's all.

- quiet down, will you? why don't you put your shoes back on? - what for? - what if somebody should come along? i don't wanna be embarrassed by your dirty feet. - i wouldn't have come along if i thought that you were gonna act like mom and dad. - quiet down and have a good time, ha? (playful music) - hey, wally, what are you gonna be when you grow up? - well, i'll try to get out of high school. i'm going to college and become an electrical engineer, work on missiles. - boy, you've got it all figured out. i don't even know what i'm doing tomorrow. hey wally, look over there!

- it must got loosened, let's go rescue it. - there might be some guy sleeping in the bottom of it. and he'd sit up and hit you for being a wise guy. (playful music) - no, there's no one in. come on, let's go get it! - why don't you go and get it? you already got your shoes off. - ok, i'll go in and grab the rope. (playful music) - are you ok, beav? - sure i'm ok. (playful music) - boy, look at you. you're soaking wet.

wet on the inside too. - boy, this sure is a neat looking canoe. - yeah, maybe an indian lost it. - whoever heard of an indian with a plastic canoe? - boy wally, maybe we could take it home and when we go on picnics and stuff we can put it on the top of the car and that will be our canoe. - stop dreaming, will you beaver? look, it says w. j. watson. he probably lives around here. we'll go back to the picnic grounds. maybe we can find him in the phone book. - you know wally, it's just like finding a dog. whenever you find a good one, it's always got a collar on. - thanks a lot, boys. - that's ok, mr. watson. - i guess my daughter didn't tie it up tight. you know how girls are. - we sure do, mr. watson. - you watch the mail, little fellow. i'm gonna send you a nice little reward. - thank you, mr. watson. - ok.

- that was a nice guy, wally. what do you think he'll send me? - well, i don't know. once when i found this lady's pocketbook, she kissed me. - boy, i'm sure glad mr. watson wasn't a lady! - come on, we'd better get going. boy, beaver, look at you. you're soaking wet! besides that, you smell. - i smell like what? - well... you smell kind of like my goldfish ball when i forget to change the water. - do you think mom and dad will be mad? - well, if they're alone, they'll get mad. if we've got company, they'll probably just make it a big joke out of it. - boy, i sure hope we have a lot of company.

we dug them up in our backyard. - well, so what? - jee, they might ran into a lot of strange worms they don't even know. you think that's goofy, don't you? - no, i guess not. i guess when i was your age, i wanted worms to have a good time too. (comical music) - then this big canoe came drifting along and i went out and i rescued it. - how big a canoe? - biggest canoe i ever saw. - how far did you have to swim out to save it? - jee, i don't know. i guess couple hundred feet. then this man came along, he had a real neat speedboat and the canoe belonged to his daughter and he's gonna send me a whole big reward. - uau! - boy, what an exciting weekend you had, beaver! all i did was write in a card of (mumbling) and get sick. - that's the whole story, miss landers.

as soon as his daughter gets out of the hospital from practically drowning! (cheerful music) - would you please close the door? well, boys and girls, before we start our spelling test this morning, i understand that theodour cleaver had a very exciting weekend. suppose you tell us a little more about what happened up at the lake, beaver. - well, you see there was this boat drifting along and i got it ashore. - it was a speedboat, i understand? - there was a speedboat there, but... - he swam a whole half a mile to save it. - that's about what happened.

- who was in the boat? - the girl. wasn't it her boat? - oh, yes, she didn't tied up good. - her father's a rich man named mr. watson. - yeah and he's gonna give beaver a whole big reward. - well, that's wonderful, beaver! - well, he said he might send me something in a letter. - my goodness, beaver, did you do this all by yourself? - well, my brother wally helped me a little. - oh, he's a very good swimmer too, isn't he? - oh yeah, he's a real good swimmer. - beaver, i'm delighted that you're so modest about this. and i think it's wonderful about the reward the girl's father is giving you, because you've more than earned it and we're all very proud of you, aren't we, class? - yes, miss landers. - miss landers! - did you wanna say something else, beaver? - no, miss landers.

- don't forget the spelling test, miss landers. - thank you, judy. - hi, mom. - hello, wally. - you've got anything decent in here to eat? - just good wholesome food. - that's what i thought. - what happened in school today? - nothing much. oh, girl's sitting next to me got hysterics during a geometry test. - dear, what did you do? - well, i made believe i didn't notice. then the teacher called the school nurse and they came and took her away, it was really something, she bowled all the way to the infirmary. - oh, wally, that's terrible! - jee mom, i don't think she really flipped or anything. she just doesn't dig geometry. well, thanks for the milk, mom. (cheerful music)

hi, mom. - hello there, beaver. here you are. - no, thanks, mom. - what's the matter, didn't you have a good day in school today? - i guess so. the bell rang, we went in. then later on the bell rang and we came out and in between we learned a lot of junk. (cheerful music) - you see, miss landers, the mayfield paper pays 25 dollars every day for an interesting news item. - we could stick 25 dollars in the class treasury if they print that story about beaver being a hero. - yeah and in the end of the year we could have a class picnic, with food even. - can't we do it, miss landers? - can't we, please? - they might even put in the paper tonight. - i'll tell you what we'll do. we'll go down to the office and we'll call the newspaper and see if they're interested. - oh, thanks. - but, children, i wouldn't say anything to beaver

just in case they don't think it's an interesting enough article to print. alright? - ok.

(gentle music) - you're late, dear. - oh, hi. - i was getting worried. - i was all ready to leave when fred rutherford came in from his office and wanted attention a little. - i hope that was his expression, not yours. - please! - what fred wanted attention about? - well, to tell the truth, he talked for half an hour and i never did find out what he wanted. both the boys home? - beaver is. wally went over to eddie's to study. - oh, you must have that wrong, dear. no one ever went over to eddie haskell's to study. - oh yes, eddie's getting down to work this year. he's going to m.i.t. - last year was annapolis. - well, it seems that eddie read someplace that it takes 20 years to become an admiral

how are the headlines? - terrible. - well, it's nice to know nothing's changed since yesterday. thank you. - local boy in lake rescue. - oh, that's nice. they're having a sale at thornton's. (surprised music) - hey, this is beaver! - what's beaver? - look at this: "theodour cleaver, local grammar "school student, made a daring rescue "at friends lake over the weekend" - "daughter of wealthy willard j. watson saved. "he was assisted by brother wally, "well known high-school athlete." - well this must've happened sunday, when they were up at the lake. what do you like those two? they never said a word about it. - what you think that... (phone ringing) - hello.

fred rutherford. yeah. what's that? oh, yes, yes. i just finished reading it. well, thank you very much, fred. - hey mom, i'm home. - wally, your father's on the phone. - yeah, as a matter of fact, fred neither of us said a word about it. listen, excuse me, fred. one of our heroes just walked in. hi, wally. - hi, dad. - [ward] yes, well i'll certainly tell him, fred. - wally, why didn't you tell us what happened up at the lake? - jee, mom, the beaver thought you'd yell at him. - yell at him? we would've been proud of him. - for getting his pants wet? - [ward] oh yes, of course, fred. i'm sure that, under the same circumstances, your boy clarence would 've done the same thing. well, beaver just happened to be there. yeah. yes.

like burt lancaster. - excuse me, mom. - yes, i'll certainly tell him, fred, and i appreciate you're calling. goodbye. where did wally go? - upstairs. - how do you like those two? not saying a word about it, not a single word. - you know ward, it really isn't like the beaver not to say anything. you know i... (phone ringing) - hello. yes. long distance from bellport. your aunt martha must've read about it in the paper up there. - what's the matter with you, beaver? are you some kind of a kook or something? - jee wally, what am i gonna do? - you're gonna go down and you're gonna tell dad that that's a whole lot of made up junk. that's what you're gonna do. - well, ok. but i'd sure rather be hit by a lightning. - well, aunt martha, we were just as surprised as you are.

what's that? she says "isn't that just like a bronson?" yeah, well thank you very much, aunt martha. i'll tell him how thrilled you are. we appreciate you're calling. goodbye. - here he is! - well, beaver! it sounds like you really had a busy day up at the lake sunday. - yes, sir, but i think i'm gonna have a busier day tonight. - well, is it something about the article in the paper? - boy, oh boy. - why beaver? - first of all, it was no speedboat, it was a canoe. and there was no girl and she didn't have a rich father. - beaver, you mean to say all of this was just made up? - yeah, dad. all except for me and wally and the canoe. - well, then where did the story come from, beaver? - you see, i told some of the guys at school what happened up at the lake and they told some other guys and they made it better

and she put more stuff in it and all of a sudden i rescued a girl and everything. - well, beaver, if it wasn't true, son, why did you let it go so far? - i don't know, dad. i guess because i never heard myself in such a neat story before. - well beaver, you know you have to do something about this, don't you? - yeah, dad. i guess this is one of those things it just won't go away. - no. - beaver. beaver, would you like me to call miss landers and explain how you got carried away? - no, mom. i'll do it myself. that's not the kind of thing a hero's mother should do. even if he's not a hero. (sad music) - good morning, dear. - good morning. - good morning, wally. - hi, dad. - well, where is the beaver?

- oh. - yeah. he got up real early and practiced his speech on telling the class he's a liar. yeah, he's got it down pretty good. he can probably get through without crackin' up. eggs are good, mom. - i didn't realize he was that upset. - well, jee, mom, how would you like it if your parents made you get up in front of the whole school and admit you were a creep? - wally, we did no such thing, it was beaver's own decision. - yeah, but it was one of those decisions a kid makes for himself when his parents are standing there screaming at him. - neither your mother nor i screamed at him. - yeah, but if he did decided to stick to that story, he would really (mumbling) into him. - wally, i even offered to call miss landers up and help him out of this whole thing. - jee mom, when a guy goofs up something real bad, he might want his parents to help, but the last thing he do would be to admit it. well, can i be excused now?

- yeah, wally. - what are we gonna do, ward? - as soon as wally's gone, i'm going to go and phone miss landers and see if i can sort of pave the way for beaver. - i'm glad, ward. would your father have done the same thing for you? - never in a million years. that's why i'm gonna do it for beaver. - well, then the man came along in a speedboat and took the canoe back and he might send me something in the mail. and my brother and i went home. thank you. - now that theodour has told us the true story, class, what do you think we should do? yes, judy? - i think we should call up the newspaper and have them print on the front page that theodour cleaver is a big liar.

i would suggest that we write a letter to the newspaper and tell them the whole story. about how it was a little story about a canoe and then... beaver's classmates build into a big story about a speedboat and a drowning girl. and how in the end a boy stood up in front of his class and told the truth. perhaps the newspaper will think theodour a bigger hero than they thought he was. don't you all think that's the right thing to do? - yes, miss landers. - fine. (bell ringing) class dismissed. - hey, you think the paper will print what miss landers said, beaver? - i hope not, whitey. i don't think i can take being a hero

(cheerful music) - hi, there. - hi! you're home early. - yeah, well, i was a little worried about how beaver made out at school today. - he came home happy. i think miss landers handled it very well. - oh, good. - anyone mentioned the incident to you down at the office? - oh, yeah. a couple of the fellows. of course, fred rutherford had to rub it in a little. - yes, i supposed he would. - i slowed him down, though. i reminded him of the time his boy lumpy had his picture in the paper. - i don't remember that. - oh sure, lumpy was about ten at the time, i guess. don't you remember? down at the state's fair, he got lost and they took quite a picture of him.

crying for his daddy. - oh, incidentally, that mr. watson that owns the canoe sent beaver a letter today. he's upstairs with it now. - i hope he's not suing us. - "and i am enclosing five dollars for recovering my canoe. "i hope you won't reveal this, "as it might hurt my newly acquired "reputation as a millionaire. "my 11 year old daughter would like to thank you "for making her the object "of considerable attention at school "and is looking forward to someday maybe you rescue her. "yours very truly, w. j. watson." you think the guy's giving me the business, wally? - sure he's giving you the business. but he's giving you five dollars too. you know, once i heard of this guy rescued this girl from drowning and she married him. - boy, i'm glad a rescued a girl who was too young to get married. - you didn't rescue anybody, you goof!

here's your cup of sugar, mrs. kravitz. i'd ask you to come in, but i have company. bye, mrs. kravitz. well, i'm glad you enjoyed your lunch, mr. and mrs. jones. and i'm sorry i burned the meat. oh, you'd like some more, mr. jones? there you are. it's a pleasure to serve a man with a hearty appetite. [ clears throat ] [ irish accent ] how do you do? how do you do?! not meaning to trouble you, lass, but i couldn't help overhearing, and i was wondering if you could spare a morsel for a poor, hungry creature. we don't have any it's a little burned. burnt, is , eh? just the way me mother used to make it. a pleasure it is to make your acquaintance.

how do you do? and this is mr. and mrs. jones. ooh! well, how do you do, mr. jones? no, that's mrs. jones. oh, so it is. excuse me. and what might your name be? tabitha. would you be off to getting me a bit of food? it's fairly starving, i am. help yourself. there's nothing there. there is. no, there's not you eat what's in front of you or else you don't eat at all. [ laughing ] oh, and you've go me darling. [ menacing voice ] and now that we've had our little laugh, would you be off to getting me some real food, you little... sweetheart? i'll see what i can find. a darling girl. a darling girl.

will you stop stalling and start doing your thing? [ gasps ] what do you think i brought you here for?! oh, that i will, oh, gracious queen. i'm not your queen! and get up off your knees. you see, it's just that i'm in need of a bit of sustenance, and it's terrible hard to work on an empty stomach. you'll find it even harder if i turn you into a toadstool. now get going! [ ding! ] [ tinkles ] [ ding! ]

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[ doorbell rings ] oh! hi, sam. hi, larry. how's louise? fine. she's spending the weekend on the phone. [ laughs ] how's everything here? great. we're enjoying an unusual stretch of peace and quiet. we got a playhouse for tabitha, and we haven't heard a word out of her. really? maybe i ought to ge hi, larry. thought i heard you. i'm not ready for you yet. i just dropped by for an interim check. how's it going?

you can't do both? tabitha, where are you going with that? out to the playhouse. but you had a big lunch just an hour ago. it's not for me. it's for the leprechaun. [ laughs ] excuse me. don't let it thro if you're smart, that's funny. [ laughs ] well, i don't want to hold you up. i think i'll go o i'll check back later. but, tabitha, how do you know a leprechaun would like a peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwich? because he told me. [ laughs ] ask a foolish question... honey, that sandwich is really for you, isn't it? no, daddy, it's for the leprechaun. well, uh, for make-believe people, pretend food is good enough. okay, daddy, but the leprechaun won't be happy.

you served them imaginary roast beef. now, why does a leprechaun need real food? because he's real and they weren't. [ tinkles ] that's ridiculous. [ pluck! ] oh, my stars! [ chuckles ] sam, what -- what's going on? you look like pinocchio, daddy. take my advice, tabitha. cool it. i fail to see anything funny about this. [ laughs ] you should look in the mirror. tabitha, that's enough. [ laughing ] fix your father's nose immediately. i can't. i didn't do it. i suppose the leprechaun did it? darrin, maybe she is telling the truth. uh, maybe there is a leprechaun out there. [ tinkles ] now, don't be ridiculous. ohh! sam, don't just stand there. find that leprechaun!

aha! come out of there! come on! come on! now, stop! cease and desist! what is all this hullabaloo? i did you no harm. you may not think so, but my husband feels quite differently. now, you put his nose and ears back to normal. well, come on! [ sighs ] okay, go ahead. what nose? what ears? that nose and those ears. now, you change them back at once, or you'll regret it. i don't think you know who or what i am. more to the point, i don't think you know who or what i am. [ ding! ] [ thunder crashes ] aah! i'm doing it. i'm doing it. [ tinkles ] [ whomp! ] they're gone, daddy!

and as soon as we get rid of this...thin i'll apologize properly. i don't know who you are or why you're here, and i'd rather not know. now, darrin, wait a minute. i'd like some answers. what are you doing here? oh, surely, it's a long story and a sad story and a story that'll set your tears to flowing. somebody took me magic shillelagh, and i've got no power to travel home. unless i find a witch to restore me power, there's no way for me to get back to me home. oh, surely, give me me power back. [ ding! ] okay, it's restored. now, you'd better start traveling. aw, you're darling people. darling people! and i thank you for the kindness and hospitality of your home. [ warble! ] toodle-oo!

sam, you don't suppose that leprechaun could have helped me with a slogan for -- yeah, i bette i think i'm cracking up. it's just my luck to pick a goof-up lepr if you're such a big, bad witch, why don't you do the job yourself? i never interfere i [ laughing ] you're as full of shenanigans as i am. never mind the noise! go on with your job! oh, but the fair blond one -- she'll pulverize me. not -- not if we're clever about it. then i take it you have something in mind? yes. darrin: sam? in here, sweetheart. did you come up with a slogan for the peaches?

with this note. "my host you were for a time today. i leave these shoes, my debt to pay." they're from the leprechaun. yeah, how 'bout that? well, why would he leave you a gift when we practically threw him out of here? well, maybe it's his way of apologizing for bugging us. look at these -- oh, custom-made, leather-lined... darrin, uh, m-maybe you shouldn't keep them. why? according to legend, it's bad luck not to accept a gift from a leprechaun. well, that's ridiculous. [ grunts ] well, maybe. but why take chances fit like a glove. you better get to work. larry will be back soon. who cares?

so what? i slaved enough this weekend. [ yawns ] i'm pooped. i think i'll take a nap. it's those shoes! that sneaky leprechaun put a hex on them! now, why blame the leprechaun just 'cause i finally got some sense and refuse to knock myself out? darrin, i want you to take off those shoes! [ doorbell rings ] uh, that's larry. i'll get it. wait a minute. maybe it'd be better if i talk to him. what for? [ doorbell rings ] well, because i don't think you're in the right frame of mind. the only thing wrong with my frame of mind is that i didn't get it years ago. [ chuckles ] hi, larry. good to see you. well, lighthearted greeting can mean only one thing -- you got the slogan, right? wrong. you're not finished? no, and i'll tell you something else. i'm not going to finish tonight. you mean you're gonna get up early and work? larry, you're looking at a new man.

is if i don't go to bed. is he drunk? no. uh, no, it's you know we have to present that slogan at the meeting tomorrow morning. larry, maybe you should come back a little later. you know what your trouble is? right now it's you. you're so busy driving, you can't see the road. work is a sickness with you. yes, but it's obviously not contagious. larry, it's just the strain of overwork. i'm sure he'll come up with something if he can just get a little rest. let's hope so, because if he doesn't, he's going to have a nice, long rest. and the same to you, fella.

sam, i think i'll lot of times, being a teenager means living with labels. you know, like the ones other people give you. and the ones you give yourself. but what happens when you're labeled as someone you're t? "stop!" wearing a label you don't want... or find yourself labeling other people? it can be so frustrating... sad...lonely. if you're feeling overwhelmed by problems at school... "watch it!" at home, or anywhere else, you don't need labels. you need people who will listen. who can help you take control, help you heal, help you win. you need to call the girls and boys town national hotline. (tdd# 1-800-448-1433) 24/7, they're here with help and hope when you need it most. the girls and boys town national hotline. change your label. change your life.

[ snoring ] darrin! sam, i thought i told you i was going to take a nap. and i'm telling you to take off those shoes! you're right. that would certainly be more comfortable. i-i can't get them off. i was afraid of that. [ laughing maniacally ] you little imp! [ chuckling ] oh, madam! madam! madam! you're tempting fate. don't you know it is the worst of luck to harm a leprechaun? that only applies to good leprechauns. [ ding! ] where'd she go? where'd she go?! you got me. but i certainly want to thank you for these shoes. [ warble! ] [ tinkles ]

you get those shoes off him, or i'll pulverize you! let me go. let me go, or those shoes will be on his feet for the rest of his days. let me go! okay. now, why did you do that? you asked me to let you go. just what we need -- a funny witch. sam, it doesn't they're as comfortable as they can be. if i have to, i can sleep in them. oh, well, thanks a lot, but i prefer you barefeet. now, why did you come back, and what is it you're after? what is it i'm after? i'll tell you what i'm after -- i'm after wanting a drink to warm me bones. oh, for pete's sake. that's what i'm after. hey, he's pretty cute. just what we need -- a funny leprechaun. well, uh, what'll you have? anything, anything at all, as long as it's fermented.

[ irish accent ] well, irish it is, and irish it'll always be. come along, me boyo [ ding! ] tabitha: mommy! in here, sweetheart. ah, here we are. "a potion to gain control over leprechauns." but, mommy, i thought we had a rule -- no witchcraft. yeah, well, that's right, sweetheart. and we only use witchcraft in extreme emergencies. what's an emergency? well, uh, that's when you have to do something right away to save someone from harm. now, wait a minute. where was i? uh...oh, yeah. "potion to gain control over a leprechaun. "to one cup of wolfsbane "add two tablespoons of maiden fern, chopped finely. "add the beaten yolks "of two eggs of a red-eyed kolea bird. "add salt and pepper to taste. serves four." [ ding! ] excuse me, honey.

[ ding! ] [ tinkles ] [ laughing ] whist thou! is that a baby's cry i hear? i-i don't hear anything. neither do i. my imagination. sam, let's eat. i'm starving. fine. [ ding! ] [ wind gusting ] [ door slams ] oh, dear. i'll get it. [ tinkles ] it's amazing. that wind came up from nowhere. well, let's get started, shall we? i'm anxious to get your opinion.

[ slurps ] okay, dinner's over. what?! you take those shoes off right now! hold on, now! i am going to count to three. one, two -- okay, okay. [ ding! ] [ ding! ] they're off. sam, i'm a little confused. what's going on? hold it. has larry been here yet? twice, and you better get back to that drawing boa and get cracking before he shows up again. not until i find out what's going on here. okay. out with it. i want to know who sent you here. i swear, i don't know the lady's name. you are going to make a beautiful toad. is that all you and your mother ever think of -- toads and toadstools?! aha! sam, that tears it.

and now she's getting outside help. [ irish accent ] all right, me bucko. i think it's time you returned to the old sod. [ normal voice ] here's your hat. [ ding! ] what's your hurry? begone. [ ding! ] oh, darrin, i'm sorry. i'll make it up to you. no, it's not your fault. then mother will make it up to you. it's not your mother's fault, either. it isn't? no, it's all my fault. it is? it was something i said. what? "i do." darrin! and i'd say it all over again, in spite of your mother and leprechauns and all the craziness. you're the greatest witch a man ever had. [ sighs ]

mother! oh, you're a stubborn witch.

mother? mother, dear? mother, my love? [ ding! ] what is it now? nothing special. does there have to be a reason for a daughter to want to spend a few happy moments with her mother? samantha, you needn't be nasty about it. me, nasty? i sent that leprechaun for your own good. it was a test. and i'm happy to say you passed with flying colors. it was a test to see where the breaking point is in this mortal marriag really? it was sponsored by the witches' council. and who suggested it to the witches' council?

all right, i suggested it. okay, mother, i have a suggestion for you -- darrin wasted the entire day with that dumb leprechaun instead of trying to come up with a slogan for the account. [ doorbell rings ] and that's larry. so, would you kindly zap a good slogan for barber peaches into his head? i thought derwin had an ironclad rule against your helping him with witchcraft. well, i won't be doing it. you will. [ scoffs ] very well. hey, larry. uh, come on in. what are you drinking? nothing. louise is holding dinner for me, so let's have it. hmm? [ ding! ] of course i've got the slogan. tell me how you love this -- "don't shave the fuzz off your peaches.

is that the best you could do? no, but i thought it was the best he could do. give me that again. don't shave the fuzz off your peaches. let barber do it. you better put a spell on larry to love it. [ ding! ] i love it! i don't know why i love it, but i love it. [ laughs ] i'll take that drink now, you son of a gun! and just one more thing. now what? do you know a way to put a spell on the entire peach-buying public? hmm... mom... what? ...you're a peach.

-- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com darrin. hmm? do you really remember our first date? are you kidding? i'll tell you it was a red silk dress with buttons up the front. it was pink, it was wool, and it zipped up the side. oh, pink, red -- same difference. we had dinner at the lobster. no, we wanted to have dinner at the lobster, but you forgot to m so we ate at the automat. what next? well, then we either went to a movie, a concert, or took a walk along fifth avenue. who cares? somewhere, sometime that night, i kissed you for the first time. [ sighs ] yeah. you do remember. endora: i think i'm getting sick to my stomach.

samantha, my darling. darwin. oh! a celebration! it was up until a second ago. darwin -- uh, darrin. we were just having the tates over for dinner. then why an anniversary cake? oh, i got it for nothing from the baker. someone canceled a party, so we had to come up with an anniversary to go with it, and we did -- our first date. oh. why not celebrate the sinking of the titanic? what i'd really like to celebrate is your departure. sorry you can't stay for dinner. thanks. i'd love to stay. oh, mother, you don't really want to stay for dinner. no, but he just talked me into it. [ ding! ] a guest never comes empty-handed. [ ding! ] this is for you, darling. oh, thank you, mother. what is it? well, it's a little something that's been cluttering up my closet for centuries. i thought you might enjoy it.

mother, thank you. that looks almos and why not? it was painted by the same artist -- leonardo da vinci. it can't be.

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liberty mutual insurance. sam, i don't mean to pry, and it's probably none of my business, but is this -- [ laughs ] you mean you think that's -- oh, silly boy! that's my great aunt cornelia. isn't it, mother? well, she wasn't a great aunt. as a matter of fact, i thought she was rather ordinary. but she was very pretty -- like samantha leo was mad about her! sweetheart, i know it takes getting used to, but, uh, the family was in italy at the time, and he rather liked us. [ ding! ] [ ding! ] endora: there. it adds a bit of class to this bourgeois establishment.

i want to keep this house bourgeois until this evening is over. i'm not about to explain to our guests about leonardo and aunt cornelia. sam, are you sure it's aunt cornelia? would i lie to you, darrin? oops! there' i didn't hear any doorbell. [ doorbell rings ] why wait till the last minute? [ ding! ] [ ding! ] endora. samantha: larry. don't you look lovely? well, if it isn't the glamorous, ever-popular endora. oh, a simple curtsy will do. you're out of this world. you might say that. is that pot roast i smell? [ ding! ] uh, smell again.

lobster thermidor. mother, that wasn't necessary. it is if i'm staying for dinner, darling. well, uh, what'll you have? the usual. coming right up. [ gasps ] why, samantha, how lovely! what's that doing up there? it's hanging on a nail, dear boy. what a beautiful likeness, samantha. and such a clever idea. it's reminiscent of the "mona lisa." who did it? leonardo da vinci did it. [ laughs ] mother, stop fooling around. i meant leonardo da vinci did it first. and darrin copied it. darrin?

[ ding! ] a friend of yours, huh? then how come you signed it? i signed it? you son of a gun, you're good. you signed it. darrin, it's remarkable! i guess it is kind of remarkable... for an amateur. "amateur"? well, you're a master! behind every great man, there's a mother-in-law to spur him on. [ laughs ] well, mother, in the future, leave the spurring to me. dinner's ready. oh, certainly, mother. did you notice that no matter where we moved in the living room, the eyes seemed to follow us? it's just like the real "mona lisa." how'd you do it?

that's right. uh, how was your golf yesterday, larry? oh, not bad. i wish darrin would play more golf. oh, how can you say that? why, he should spend every free moment painting. you're a brilliant artist, darrin. do you know what a woman would give to have a portrait like that? darrin, i think that's a subtle hint setting you up for something. it is? like your painting her picture. would you, darrin? oh, he couldn't possibly. that's right. um... i have to paint the kitchen first. darrin, take it from a man who knows -- there are times when it's easier to say yes. he'll do the picture, sweetheart. larry, y-you don't understand. it's just not possible. look, darrin, if i had your talent, and sam asked me to do her picture, i'd do it! and you're not even my boss! now, just think about that.

now, we'll see you tomorrow right after lunch. night, sam. good night. oh. mother! you have done some pretty vile things to darrin in the past, but what you did tonight was unforgivable. how could you be so cruel? are you kidding, sam? she majored in cruelty with the marquis de sade. not at all. he was just a classmate. endora, i've had it with you. i mean, i've had it with you up to here! if you are out to destroy darrin's life, you have almost succeeded. almost doesn't count. the marquis de sade was rebecca of sunnybrook farm compared to you. i have been insulted here for the last time! you shall never see me again! [ ding! ] promises, promises! darrin, you have got to calm down. i've got to calm down. if i calm down, i can think clearly. and if i think clearly, i -- i'll come up with an answer.

good. i'll kill myself. darrin. all right. i won't kill myself. i'll -- what i'll do is, i'll tell larry the truth -- that that painting is by leonardo da vinci. i am a fraud, my wife is a witch, and my mother-in-law is -- you wouldn't dare! oh, wouldn't i? no. i wouldn't. all right. i'm fresh out of ideas. well, i'm not. anything mother can do, i can do better. are you suggesting -- just one teensy little spell -- enough to get that picture painted. i'll go with you to the tates', and you can use my paints -- no. no. from this moment on, all spells, hexes, incantations, et cetera and so forth, are strictly forbidden. any mention and/or use of said devices by any member of this family is punishable by -- i'll get you a tranquilizer. i don't want a tranquilizer. i want an answer. now, how do i get out of this? well, you could break your right arm.

what? you'll put a spell on me.

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come in! well! my goodness. that is really something. thank you. larry: you should thank him. the money that we was darrin's christmas bonus. oh, larry, will you stop exaggerating? it's really very reasonable for what it is. if you're going to be crowned queen of england, it's a steal. i hope you don't mind my coming along. darrin likes to have me around when he starts a painting. we can pass the time playing gin or something. gin it is. penny a point. maybe i can win back the price of that dress. you're on. shall we set up? you picked up a seven of clubs, a five of diamonds, and a king of hearts. you sure you know how to play this game? throw a card. sam, i'm ready to paint.

well, he can't unless i kiss him first. oh, it's kind of a tradition, like launching a ship. well, just hold the kiss for a minute. now, this card has to be safe. gin. caught me with 70 points! sam. oh, coming, sweet oh, louise, that really is lovely. let's get the show on the road. just relax, sweetheart. [ tinkles ] i don't feel anything. you will in a minute. [ ding! ] hmm. [ sings in italian ] you got me on a blitz.

[ humming ] [ humming continues ] s-sam. oh, sam? stop bothering her. i'm being blitzed. gin. ohh. i give up with you. between that dress and my gin losses, this free painting is costing me a fortune!

where are you going? i'm gonna take a look at it. no, not now. not yet. i want sam to look at it first. let him see it, darrin. no, it... may i take a look at it, too? not yet, sweetheart. you must be exhausted from sitting so long. why don't you go upstairs and lie down? well, i'm not tired, and i want to see my painting. well, if you're not tired, why don't you get us some coffee? is something wrong, larry? i said, "get us some coffee." i'm going. i'm going! [ gasps ] [ door closes ] well! uh, i-isn't that... interesting? the word is "insulting." larry, i told you i was out of practice. are you kidding?! if this is supposed to be some kind of a practical joke, you missed the mark. now, now, wait, wait, larry.

how the eyes, uh, follow you wherever you go? from my angle, the eyes are looking at each other! darrin, i'm surprised that you would indulge in such a tasteless prank! well, larry -- ex-friends call me "mr. tate." i'll thank you to leave, and take that -- that atrocity with you. mother! mo-- "dropped by to say hello. "esmeralda told me you were at the tates'. "love, mother. "p.s. this note will self-destruct before you can say..." [ pop! ] she can't even keep her word. she said she was never coming back here again. i guess she couldn't resist just one last funny.

[ doorbell rings ] louise: i want to see my painting. larry: louise, you've been the victim of a very bad joke, and that's putting it very delicately. i will be the judge of that. now what'll we do? let them in. i think i can subtract mother's little addition. oh, hi. did i forget something? yes. you forgot to show me my painting! that was not very nice of you to rush off like that! i'll never forgive you for this! samantha, is there any reason why i should not see my painting? none that i can think of. you're not only fired, but i'll make it my life's work to see to it

how can you cal huh? well, he re-painted it! don't be ridiculous. he got here just -- just two minutes before we did! [ sobbing ] what are you crying about? because you called it an atrocity, but it looks exactly like me! oh, louise. louise, no, it's a compliment, louise. you see, what he's saying is that nothing could come close to your real inner beauty. after all, a canvas is one-dimensional, and you are a lovely, vibrant, exciting, three-dimensional woman! really, larry? would sam lie to you? i can't take my eyes off me! how did you change it? larry, i give you my solemn word,

that is not the same face! well, of course it is. you know what i think it was? you were upset because i blitzed you at gin, and in the stress and anger of the moment, you just weren't seeing things clearly. it can happen -- ask any psychiatrist. oh. i'd like to believe that. darrin. i know it's asking too much, but, well, you're so talented, and you paint so quickly, and larry's birthday is coming up. absolutely not. [ chuckles ] darrin, i like your spunk, but as your boss, don't forget i hold your fortune in my hands. sweetheart, i guess we'll just have to tell them the truth. sam, are you crazy? i am not going to go through this again. sam. the doctors made him give it up because of this rare allergy he has to paint. oh. that truth. he looks okay to me. oh, wait.

in just a moment, he'll begin to... [ tinkles ] ah-choo! ...sneeze. and it gets worse. he develops a nervous tic. ah-choo! forget it. if i want a picture, i'll use my brownie. now, you just take it home and enjoy it. i will. i will. oh, i'm so sorry about poor darrin. we a day in bed, and he'll be just fine. take it easy, feller. i sure -- sure -- su-su-- ah-choo! sure will. wow. so long, sam. yeah, larry. bye-bye, louise. bye. sam. oh, i'm sorry, sweetheart. [ ding! ] was all that absolutely necessary?

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see car insurance in a whole new light. liberty mutual insurance. sam, there's got to be a reason. it just can't be plain meanness. why does your mother behave the way she does? well, i'm not sure, sweetheart. well, mother's like a kid. she likes to play those silly pranks. well, she's not a kid. a woman her age should settle down -- take up, uh, basket weaving or croquet or something. you forget -- mother is ageless. yeah. like mother, like daughter. i'll, uh -- i'll put that in the attic first thing in the morning. sam, is that really your great aunt cornelia, or is it you?

well, if you say so. i was just thinking. even if it is your great aunt cornelia, you could have been painted by toulouse lautrec or renoir. don't tell me you weren't around then. so? so, you looked the same then as you do now. well, sweetheart, i can't help that. it's my metabolism. but i'm thinking ahead. if you looked the same then as you do now, 30 years from now, you'll still look the same. and me, i'll look like i'm supposed to look -- paunchy, wrinkled, maybe bald. it'll be embarrassing when this old man takes this young ch well, what'll people say? people will say, "i bet that old man "has some pretty young ideas to keep that chick interested." yeah.

-- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com hello. oh, hello. was today any better, master? oh, not too bad. not too bad, jeannie. i slipped and fell in a puddle of oil. and i lost my wallet. and i burned up a fuel-ratio chart i'd been working on for the last couple of weeks, but that is... i just don't know what's gone wrong, jeannie. i just-- oh, do not worry, master. it will not last much longer. i hope not. i don't think i can survive. you don't mind if i have dinner in bed? oh, i'm afraid not, master. we are expecting a guest. tonight? tonight? well, listen, i-- i'm not really in a mood to have guests tonight. why don't you, uh-- you tell mozart or shakespeare or king lear-- whoever it is. just tell them i'm tired. i'm not interested in having them. [knocking] oh, it is too late. oh, no, it's not. i'll get it, and i'll send them away.