[ theme music ] >> here's johnny! [ cheers and applause ] [ theme music ] >> thank you very much. thank you. thank you. [ cheers and applause ]

[ laughter ] >> you know i don't know what i would do if the applause sign ever had a meltdown. [ laughter ] >> there would be a staring contest. you sound in a good mood, thank for coming tonight. one little news item from caramel, california which as you know has a new mayor, and the mayor is clint eastwood. they had their first incident today, picked up two jaywalkers, they hung them. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> it is going to be a tough town. [ laughter ] >> also one little item, did you hear that geraldo rivera is -- [ laughter ] >> is in the hospital. >> oh! >> last week he tried to break into arnold schwarzenegger's honeymoon suite. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> now, as you probably know, most people are aware of this, used to only known in the business, television is now in

or ratings months. have you noticed every show you watch on television, even the news broadcast have reports on sex or prostitution, like they discovered some brand new thing to talk about. all the shows do it. i tuned in to mr. rogers today. [ laughter ] >> he was drug testing his hand puppet. [ laughter ] >> i -- what? >> we missed that? >> you didn't see that? well you should see that. can you say clean? yes, i can. [ laughter ] >> you can tell it's sweep month. all this month dr. ruth's show is clean. that's how sensational they are getting. [ laughter ] >> how quickly they turn. [ laughter ] >> how many of you have been watching the mini series north and south book two? [ cheers and applause ] >> you got to watch those shows carefully. you pick up little things that are interesting, 'cause

split this country? in one scene last night, leslie ann was wearing a bra that was half gray and half blue. [ laughter ] >> now what television is guilty of, i think personally, is that when they do these historical type of things, like north south, they take a few liberties to get ratings. now, i question the historical accuracy of having susan summer's for example, play lincoln's illegitimate daughter, bambi lincoln. [ laughter ] >> i've never seen that in any history books and there she was last night. >> have you heard the riddle going around? what do they call a russian who was exiled to siberia two weeks ago? mr. lucky.

[ applause ] >> did you know last night the nuclear cloud was supposed to have passed over the los angeles basin? i don't know if it's-- any cause for concern, but i was at the forum last night, and her va villa shea was playing center for the lakers. [ laughter ] >> see the russians -- now the russians have claimed they have already cleaned up the reactor at chernobyl. you hear different pronounce, what do you call it? chernobyl, right? in fact they have a big, huge gigantic paper strip around the reactor that says sanitized for your protection. [ laughter ] >> did you know the soviet union waited something like apparently 36 hours before they told the people of kiev to evacuate. little slow giving out information over there, they just announced this week

[ laughter ] >> czar nicholas from a long time ago. [ laughter ] >> and the saddest thing to report is because of that accident, americans have been advised to stay out of poland and romania. damn-- there go my -- [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> there goes the summer. >> there go my vacation plans. [ laughter ] >> boy, i was so hot to go there. [ laughter ] >> or you will be hot if you go there, one of the two. i guess president reagan is back from the summit. apparently they had a big economic summit in japan, and... nancy wore a gorgeous beaded gown. if you didn't it will soon be seen in a doonesbury cartoon strip. [ laughter ] >> it's really inside.

joke at the dinner there, he asked hirohito how he liked hell cats of the navy. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> they had a nice chat, the emperor and ronnie reagan, and ronnie was his usual charming self. you have to admit reagan is charming, he told hirohito give my regards to your white horse. [ laughter ] >> and then -- these all can't be gems. once in a while -- [ laughter ] >> and then air force touched down, they took the helicopter to the white house lawn, george bush come running out of the oval office, what did you bring me? what did you bring me? [ laughter ] [ applause ] [ laughter ] >> did i do that? >> yes. >> i sound like hugh herbert. what did you bring me? what did you bring me? i'm talking about politics, did you see what secretary of state

the day before yesterday. now, this is the new diplomacy. secretary of state send gaddafi you have had it, pal. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> he is starting to sound like don johnson of miami vice. hey, you are pond scum camel breath. [ laughter ] >> what's going on here? now i mention ratings weeks. they take ratings of the tonight show too. we are not resorting to sex on this show or things like that. >> ah! >> even though tonight we have four bunnies from the playboy club in costume, and the reason we have them on is as a public service. [ laughter ] >> as you know they are closing down the playboy club in chicago, los angeles, and new york, and that means these young ladies will be out of work. so they are here to see if we can place them in some kind of position.

>> no, no, no, no, no. no, no, no, no. no, no, no, no. you misread that entirely. we're going to find them work. so we have those young ladies, we have the funniest man, i think i know mr. buddy hackett is here. [ cheers and applause ] >> and a lovely young actress, miss ally sheedy. [ applause ] so stay where you are, we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause ]

[ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] >> for you. [ cheers and applause ] >> wine for your audience. [ cheers and applause ] [ laughter ] >> this crowd is ready. >> they may have started somewhere else. no wine for this audience. [ laughter ] >> i left out in the monologue our whole list of guests, we have buddy hackett, ally sheedy, and a gentlemen by the name of ed kennedy. [ cheers and applause ] >> who i think -- who does -- who has some fans here. [ laughter ] >> mr kennedy is a music teacher, but his other claim to fame is, ed, if i can lift it, i can balance it kennedy. he balances objects, and if he can physically lift it,

on his chin. so mr. kennedy will be here. something you don't see on many shows anymore. ed sullivan would have loved that. now here if he can lift it he can balance it -- [ laughter ] >> now, as i mentioned it in the monologue, it was announced this week, the playboy clubs which go back to the early 60's, is it that long ago? >> easy. >> yeah. they are closing clubs in los angeles, chicago, and new york, that means that over 100 bunnies are soon to be out of work. >> oh! >> the tonight show in its continuing concern -- [ laughter ] >> for the plight of unemployed americans thought it only fitting to help solve this problem and relocate some of these bunnies in new jobs, so we called the playboy club and asked them to send us a representative of their club and we invited them to be here tonight.

bunny suzanne, bunny jackie, laora, and bunny constance. [ cheers and applause ] [ music ] >> how are you ladies? >> very well. >> it's nice to see you all. maybe we should get the names straight here first. you are? >> constance. >> i'm jacqueline. >> suzanne. >> laora. >> it's nice to have you here. now, they gave you the night off to come over? [ laughter ] >> do any of you have to go back to work tonight? >> no. >> okay. what's your job officially? >> what do you do at the playboy club? do you have different jobs? >> uh-huh. it mainly entails like customer service -- >> what is customer service? >> suzanne is good at this. >> well, what we really have to do is -- our jobs are to make everybody that comes in feel comfortable and have a good time. >> yeah. >> yes.

>> we're really good at it too. >> may i interrupt you for a second here. this is a serious interview. [ laughter ] >> we want to conduct this with a certain element of style and class. go ahead baby. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> i'm sorry to interrupt. >> well, the last month that we're going to be open is june, and for that month we're having a bye-bye bunny campaign and we're going to have parties, it will be incredible. it will give everybody a chance to come in and see what our customer service is like. it is great. [ laughter ] >> do you have anything to add? either one of the other two? >> it is going to be great. it's going to be like -- >> it will be very busy. >> very, very busy. >> like new year's eve every night. >> yeah. you have an accent, you're from england, obviously? >> london. >> london, england. >> yeah. >> how long have you been a bunny? eight, nine months. >> and what did you do before that? jacqueline, is it? >> modeling, yes. >> and laora, is that right?

>> suzanne? >> i taught aerobics for a long time, and me and jacqueline are also los angeles raiderettes. >> okay, let's see here. i have a got a few little questions and i have to really refer to this. just to get some general information, what -- is mostly men you get to go to playboy. didn't they try... men at the playboy club called rabbits? >> yes, in new york. >> how did that work out? >> i think it worked out well. >> ladies come in and say where are the guys? and we say new york. new york. >> yeah, they don't have them out here. >> we're still waiting. [ laughter ] >> yeah. now, this business about in -- i don't know if any of you have been a center fold. but i'm also intrigued when they say my turn offs and turn ons for example. [ laughter ] >> you ever noticed that? >> yeah. >> now, if you were -- were -- this is really in the way of a job interview. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> folks, dignity is the name of the game.

>> big tips. [ laughter ] [ applause ] [ laughter ] >> as macarthur said, these proceedings are closed. [ laughter ] >> no. when there's more money you get, the better it is? >> the better we can shop. >> any turnoffs at all? >> yeah, people that don't tip us too well. [ laughter ] >> jacqueline? how about you? >> turn offs, nasty customers. i guess. >> i don't like big macho type men that come in. feel that we're, you know, stupid. because we're not. >> they think "oh, you're the dumb bunny." >> just because we are wearing these ears -- [ laughter ] >> yeah, and you got a big piece of cotton on your -- in other words what you are saying that doesn't necessarily go hand in hand. >> no. >> do you feel -- what is the worst line you ever

for example, what do they do? >> what part of brooklyn are you from? [ laughter ] >> because of my accent. >> because they hear the accent. >> yeah, they always think i'm from the south, and i say south london. >> jacqueline how about you? >> how many guys pinch you and stuff like that? i get more people -- i get more men that ask me that as opposed to guys ever doing that. they are actually, i think intimidated or scared. they like to look, but oh, the bunny don't touch. >> how about you? >> for me, i had a gentlemen i was serving him drinks, and before he even ordered a drink, he wanted to marry me, and he continued with it the whole night long, proposing and proposing and it gets rather tiring. >> is that a line you get all of the time? i want to marry you. >> yeah. before they even say hello. and it's like -- >> i'm familiar with that line, yes. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> the trouble is, every time i say it, everybody says yes.

>> let me see what we got. we asked you to fill out -- what is your idea of a perfect date? this is something they ask in the magazine. >> perfect date. >> perfect date, perfect evening out. >> taking me shopping down rodeo drive. [ laughter ] >> and mcdonald's afterwards. >> yeah? okay. >> i would love for a man to cook a good dinner for me, and sit by -- i don't know i guess have a lovely view and good wine, good conversation and -- >> she's not hard to please. >> yeah, i like that. >> how about you? >> me? i'm more partial to a nice drive down along the beach. >> beach? >> yes beach. quiet dinner somewhere. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> you live by the beach, don't you? >> yes, i live by the beach. [ laughter ] >> right on the old beach. [ laughter ] >> a lot of water, waves, sea gulls and so forth. suzanne? >> a quiet evening with a good-looking man, nice dinner.

to the problems of work here. have any of you looked around for any other work, yet? >> not yet. >> i know you're not closing until the end of june. >> we have been partying a lot. >> you've been partying a lot? since the club is going to close, a lot -- and people are coming in a lot more, and we're having this bye-bye bunny promotion thing -- >> it is going to be big. >> that sounds like a lot of fun. >> okay, laora, let's see. hometown is los angeles. >> yes. >> previous job experience, aerobics you mentioned that, you're also member of the raiderettes, and you would like to be an actress. >> yes. >> you ever had any acting experience? >> no. >> television or motion pictures [ laughter ] >> well a lot of actors that's the way you start. >> none. >> okay, how about jacqueline, you are from los angeles? >> yes. >> secretary, local radio station, and you would like to get into fashion and modeling. >> modeling, yeah, and commercials. i don't mind trying acting, talk show host. >> suzanne. [ laughter ] >> where is suzanne? >> that's me. >> you are suzanne, you are from wimbledon. >> i was born in wimbledon. >> wimbledon, england?

>> where they play the tennis every year? >> yes, yes. right on court. [ laughter ] >> you were born actually on court. >> no, no. >> do you, last year -- i've been to wimbledon the last nine years, i think wimbledon for the first time in history now has ball girls. they never had young ladies. >> that's great. >> always had ball boys, but have you ever thought of something like that? >> no. [ laughter ] >> previous experience, display director for four years. what is that? >> mannequins. >> really? >> yeah, that kind of stuff. >> okay, and you are trying to get an agent? >> yes. i'm studying acting, and trying to get a commercial agent. >> okay constance you are from southland, as you mentioned. you modeled for a few years and what kind of a job would you -- >> i don't know peace envoy, meet the president, you know, i don't know. i will probably be selling ice cream on venice beach. [ laughter ] >> i doubt that. [ laughter ] >> i don't know. >> i tell you what i'm going to do, we were going to try to do

but if anybody has any kind of-- i tell you in the mean time, until you find permanent jobs, i'm thinking out of my own pocket now, of forming a halfway hutch -- [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> you know, for recovering bunnies until you find something -- [ laughter ] >> johnny's halfway hutch for recovering bunnies, i think it serves a nice purpose so you don't go on the public dole. i guess that's what they call it in england. >> yeah. >> anyway it was very nice of you to come here tonight. i hope you all find jobs. i hope you all get to do what you want to do. >> thank you. >> and maybe we'll come over and join you for bye-bye bunny week. >> good, do. >> thank you, constance, jacqueline, laora, suzanne, right? thank you very much for being here. >> thank you. [ applause ] >> okay. guys, we'll be back in a moment.

[ cheers and applause ] i really want to show you something. karen o.: 1, 2, ready, go l-o-v-e it's a mystery all is love is love ow! ooh ooh... [howling] announcer: for great play ideas, visit www.smallstep.gov. guy: hey, sara. oh my gosh. he's so cute. how do you know him?

love the new tattoo, sara. let's go! dude. what? dude, that's sara. who's sara? the girl in the pink shirt. that's the girl i was telling you about. oh, that's sara. theater two on your left. hey sara, what color underwear today? hey sara. so, when you gonna post something new? announcer: anything you post online, anyone can see. family, friends... see ya later, sara. even not-so-friendly people. [ music ]

[ cheers and applause ] >> as i mentioned mr. ed kennedy is a music teacher and band director from long beach high school in long island, new york, and when is not teaching -- not teaching his claim to fame is if i can lift it, i can balance it. would you welcome ed kennedy. [ cheers and applause ] [ music ] >> good to meet you. >> nice meeting you, sir. >> i'm sorry i forgot to mention your name in the beginning of the show. >> that's quite all right. >> nice to have you here2 you are a music teacher by profession. >> yes i am. >> how did this hobby or talent -- behavior that you -- [ laughter ] >> it's kind of unusual for a grown man to start balancing things. >> yes, it is. i started in the fifth grade i went to a girl's twirling tryout. and i -- i needed some attention, i was a shy guy. so i took a baton

i put it on my chin and nose, and i got the attention. it worked very well. >> good idea. and you started doing it with everything. >> i started doing it with everything. the heavy things, the things that seemed to be a challenge. >> so in other words, if you can lift it, you can balance it -- this desk would be out of the question, because you couldn't lift it. now, somebody put this baton back here, right? ed is going to show you basically -- this would be pretty fairly easy. >> that's very easy. yes. >> you do it on the chin? >> oh, i can do this one on my nose, this is an easy one. >> okay, let's go. [ applause ] >> all right. if he can lift it, he can balance it. [ laughter ] >> so where did you graduate from? you started with the baton. >> i started with the baton, and went to larger objects. i get a pleasure out of doing expensive things, as well. >> like what? >> i had a stradivarius violin on my nose one time -- was very, very exciting. >> who would give you a stradivarius violin?

or something, right. >> yes, it was a very experienced, we had a guest soloist in college. and he said here, try this. i've never drop anything so he took his chances. >> do you have to practice this constantly? what is the biggest challenge you've had? >> the biggest challenge i would have would be sometimes a smaller thing a pencil -- >> do you want to try that now or do that later? >> a pencil would be fine -- >> my pencils have erasers on both ends -- >> that would work. >> wanna try that and then we'll get to one object -- we're going to use mr. kennedy throughout the show tonight. that's not easy. [ cheers and applause ] >> now that's not easy. >> no, that's the hard one. >> this is probably very difficult because you don't have any weight to work with, right? >> right. you have to move your head quickly. >> throughout the show, we're going to start -- what? -- we're going to do one object now, and throughout the show, we would like you to come out

commercial, and do various objects and some of the objects you are going to do -- a card table, a tuba, stepladder is all right? >> it's all right. >> we found a big mounted fish. >> a fish? [ laughter ] >> i'm talking big mounted fish. chairs and a base violin. all of them reasonable? >> they're reasonable. >> and your claim to fame is, if i can lift it, i can balance it. okay. ed it's all yours start with the card table. [ applause ] [ drum roll ] [ cheers and applause ] [ music ] >> okay. [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you, ed. we'll be back right after this. [ cheers and applause ]

[ cheers and applause ] >> okay. [ cheers and applause ] >> buddy hackett is with us tonight, he opens his caesars palace, on friday night, first time i think in last vegas, for about three years and then on the westbury, in new york. would you welcome mr. buddy hackett. [ cheers and applause ] [ music ] [ applause ] >> why is it -- >> what? >> when people are around you, they start talking like you? all of your friends as soon as you are around. you know who's coming over, his buddy hackett. >> see, i don't talk that way. i'm talking like them. [ laughter ] >> it's true though. >> did you ever hear that story, that the guy walked into the bar and he talked like this. did i ever tell you that story? >> no i don't think so. >> a guys walks in the bar, he talks like this, he said to the bartender,

the bartender said $7. the bartender had a hunchback. he says $7 for scotch and soda, how about scotch and water. he said $7. he said how much is a beer? he said $5. he said just give me a bottle of beer. bartender gave him a bottle of beer. he says i want to thank you for not making fun of the way i speak. the bartender said thank you for not making fun of my hunch. he said is that a hunch? he said yeah. and he said everything is so high in here i thought it was your butt. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> now, you got to understand, john, that i had no intention of saying that but when you start telling me about -- >> the way you talk --

excuse me, fred, i apologize. excuse me. whoever is in charge of that, but the things i hear on television, everybody is allowed to say who's new, but old guys like me who are supposed to know better, aren't allowed to say it no more. >> you know, one channel here in town plays movies now, i think it's channel 5. >> yeah. >> with the original language in the picture, in los angeles. >> i've never made a picture like that. >> one flew over the cuckoo's nest -- i think they did one the other night where they leave in the language, because it really in certain pictures it's not gratuitous, patton didn't say geez whiz let's take the beach head. [ laughter ] >> yeah, and in this joke it's hard to say, well everything is so high i thought it was your haircut. >> that's right. >> you can't say that. it don't work out. >> yeah. how have you been feeling? you're looking good. >> i feel good, but as age approaches -- >> oh come on now.

to the lawyer, and we reviewed our will. that ain't a happy moment. you know. >> no. >> you're sitting there and the lawyer said there are new laws we ought to discuss. well i'm thinking i'm going to be dead what do i care? i don't want to discuss it and he is saying would you want to be on life-support system? well, not while we're discussing the will, i don't think -- [ laughter ] >> that's a new thing, if there ever comes a time when you have to be on life support? and i said no, i don't want to be on no life support, if i can't dance to the music, i don't want to know it's playing, right? [ applause ] >> i don't want to be there, you know? >> that's good. >> now sherry is 11 years younger than me, she says she wants to talk about donating her organs. >> that's not a bad idea. >> yeah, well, i would like to get some of them. [ laughter ] >> no, not you.