- who? - your problem, where'd you meet her? - how'd you know i met a new girl? - well it's a new week, isn't it? - yeah, wait 'til you meet her. she's studying to be a concert pianist. i met her in pasadena. - well that figures. what were you doing in pasadena? - oh, well see last sunday ralph and i had nothing to do, so we figured we'd go to this all-brahms concert. - ralph and you went to an all-brahms concert? (laughter) - yeah, and when we got there we found some seats and it just so happened that this beautiful girl was sitting right by me. - one of your weekly coincidences. - well i couldn't find any other seat. - hmm, great. - well anyway, the orchestra started to play this concerto i didn't recognize. so i leaned across this girl to talk to ralph-- - you, you, you leaned across the girl? - well yeah, ralph was sitting on the other side of her. - that was the only seat he could find. - yeah. - there were no other empty seats in the place. - oh, there were a few in front and some in the back. - and some on the sides. - yeah but dad see when you want to enjoy good music you've got to listen to it from exactly the right spot. - yeah. go ahead. - yeah.

i leaned over to ralph and i said ralph, i've just got to know the name of this beautiful number. and ralph said well if you want to know her name why don't you ask her? and so she giggled and said eileen. - you and ralph pulled this line before. - yeah, but never at an all-brahms concert. (laughter) - well it's an interesting story, but what's your problem? - oh, well you see i went to meet her folks the other day, and they're strictly pasadena society. and i invited eileen here for dinner to meet you and mother. - oh, we're your problem. - oh no no, no, you're wonderful. - we're nice people, yes. - but it seems that everything happens in this house. last time i brought a girl home, mr. von zell showed up with an indian in full warpaint. (laughter) and the next time mother locked my professor in the closet. - ronnie, if those things didn't happen in this house, we wouldn't have one. - look dad, i wanted it to go light. you see this girl means an awful lot to me. - i understand, ronnie. nothing'll happen to break up this beautiful romance, because if it did you'd be heartbroken for about 15 seconds. (laughter) - how do you do?

- how do you do? - which way's the guest room? - right down the hall. - thank you. - remember if you shoot any animals, we get to keep the skins! (laughter) - you must be her husband. - i am. - tell me, what's all this about plums? - plums? well if you shoot any plums, we get to keep the skins, too. (laughter) i don't know what's going on downstairs, but ronnie's girlfriend is in for a treat. gracie, are you downstairs? - oh, yes dear! - gracie, are you gonna tell george about colonel bradley? - of course not! - well how are you gonna explain all these things? - just leave it to--hello dear! (laughter) - oh hello, i'd like something-- - aren't they nice? - yes, it's just what we needed. - well that's what blanche thought, too, that's why i bought them. (laughter) - you bought them? - sure.

(laughter) - was um, was this blanche's idea too? - uh-huh, she got me a discount. (laughter) (blanche stutters incoherently) (laughter) - what is this for? - oh, well i thought maybe tonight we could have a little barbecue? - who are we barbecuing, harry von zell? (laughter) - oh, george. - i know what these are for! - you do? - yeah. you put onions on the end of them in case we serve martinis. - right! (laughter) well hello, anymore questions? - yeah, just one. who is the man upstairs in his underwear? (laughter) - any more questions? - no i like that one, who is it? - well, he's um, he's colonel bradley, a famous african hunter, who spoke at our club meeting and i asked him to stay with us for a week. - for a week? don't you think you should have asked my permission?

- i'm the head of the house. - oh, george i'm so relieved, you know i thought you were mad at me, and here you are making jokes. (gracie giggles) (laughter) - oh, mother, i'm going to be away for lunch, but is it alright if i bring a girl for dinner? - well of course. - thank you. hey dad, don't forget about eileen. - i won't. - how is everything? - the house is as normal as it could be. - thanks, dad. (laughter) - i'm a nice father. when i have to choose between my son and the show, i always pick the show. (laughter) now i'm stuck with a house-guest. not that guests aren't alright in their place. in fact, they're nice in their place but not in mine. (laughter) the trouble with guests is that you don't know when they're gonna leave. i know of a family who had a friend drop in and right after breakfast, he borrowed their binoculars, he wanted to see halley's comet, which comes once every 75 years. (laughter) he didn't stay long, he only saw the comet twice. (laughter)

he had pawned the host's binoculars. (laughter) and if you want to find out how many friends you've really got, all you gotta do is hire a summer cottage at the beach. and every weekend, there's some, at least one friend will knock on your front door and say i just happened to be driving by, so i decided to stop and say hello. and don't try to shake his hand, because you'll just happen to find a suitcase in it. (laughter) we had that same experience, and after about the 10th guest, i boarded up the walk from the road to our front door, and the following weekend, a friend knocked on my back door. he said i just happened to be swimming by with my family. (laughter) these people i could shake hands with, they had their luggage strapped on their backs. (laughter) but guests aren't all bad, there are some advantages. usually your family is nice to you when guests are around and sometimes the guests are nice to you in front of your family, too. (laughter) and then there's the professional guest.

and then he wore all my clothes, and he smoked all of my cigars, and he drove my car, i didn't mind that but when he was still there on the 4th of july and used my firecrackers, i got very angry. (laughter) in fact, i was so mad that when christmas came i didn't leave a present for him out in the guest room. (laughter) once the same fella got a ticket for speeding. and he got 10 days in the county jail. you know, it took them two years before they got him to leave? (laughter) i don't know i'm saying all this about guests, after all a guest is just a host trying to get even.

- ah, that was a delightful luncheon. guy: hey, sara. oh my gosh. he's so cute. how do you know him? c'mon donovan, do it like i taught ya. love the new tattoo, sara. let's go! dude. what?

who's sara? the girl in the pink shirt. that's the girl i was telling you about. oh, that's sara. theater two on your left. hey sara, what color underwear today? hey sara. so, when you gonna post something new? announcer: anything you post online, anyone can see. family, friends... see ya later, sara. even not-so-friendly people. - well, thank you. we'll have our coffee out here. - time certainly flew. i must have been telling you of my adventures for the last two hours. i hope you weren't bored. - well, if i was, i was so interested i didn't even notice it. (laughter)

- oh, yes. - perhaps my most nerve-racking exploit occurred during my last visit to darkest africa. when i obtained this eye of the idol mombi-mombi, which is worshiped by the natives in the vicinity of lake tanganyika. (girls gasp) - [harry] blanche, where are you?! - talking eyes, (unclear) would love this! (laughter) - no honey, that was harry. - oh. blanche is at the beauty shop. (laughter) - and i'll be home as soon as i'm through. go on, colonel bradley. - of course the eye has no real commercial value, but to the natives who worship the idol mombi-mombi, it is priceless. and the tribal witch doctors have vowed they'll pursue me to the ends of the earth, and make me pay for it. - oh, well they shouldn't have to, if you owe a doctor money you should send it to him. (laughter) - no honey, he means pay with his life. - oh. - yeah. how did you get the eye? - i stole it in the dead of night, and swam

(girls gasp) with this mystic eye, the witch doctors claim that they could look into the future, into the past. they claimed they could see everything that was going on. - so can i. (laughter) i wasn't even invited to lunch. (laughter) you know, if i wanna stop eating corned beef sandwiches, i'd better get rid of this colonel. (laughter) - and when the moon is full, the natives hold their ritual dance around the idol. they fast for a week, they eat absolutely nothing. and through the jungle all you can hear is the hollow sound of their tom-toms. - well if you didn't eat, you're tom-tom would sound hollow, too. (laughter) - well did you enjoy your lunch? - well of course. weren't you with us? - i wasn't invited. - oh. would you like to have dinner with us? - i'd iove to. - oh, well please come, you're always welcome here. (laughter) - i thank you. - george we were so interested in colonel bradley's stories,

the witch doctors can see the past, the present, and the future in it. - of course, it's only a legend. - wait a minute, i can see something. - you can? - certainly. this eye came from the idol mombi-mombi, and was worshiped by a tribe that lived on lake tanganyika. (laughter) and you stole it, swam across the limpopo river, through a hail of poison spears. - that's amazing. - i had an uncle who was a witch doctor. - what? - yeah, he had an office on rivington street and his waiting room was always crowded with sick witches. (laughter) - i hope you're satisfied. due to your selfish neglect, i cut my finger on a can of sardines. this isn't a house, this is bedlam! (laughter) - well, i'll be going, too. what time is dinner? - eight o'clock, and we do hope you can come. - i'll be here. - oh, good. and bring a friend if you have any.

- harry, if we don't get rid of this colonel, we'll be eating out tin cans for a week. - oh, if i only had a nickel for every time you and your wife have ruined my marriage. - harry, don't blame me for spoiling your happiness. - i didn't say happiness. my marriage ruined my happiness and you and your wife are ruining my marriage. (laughter) - i've got an idea, i'm sure it'll work. look, this colonel is worried about this idol's eye. and we could scare him out of her in five minutes if you'll do one thing, dress up like a witch doctor. - a witch doctor? - will you do it? - george, do you think i am a complete imbecile? - i'll make a deal with ya. you say yes to my question, i'll say no to yours. (laughter) - i won't do it. - well that's too bad. witch doctor would have done the trick. if we only knew somebody... (knocking on door) - [harry von zell] george, are you in? (laughter) - i think the unga-wunga is just arriving. (laughter) come in! - hi, boss. - oh, hello von zell. - hello. - say, i'm not interrupting anything, am i?

so as i was saying, this producer friend of mine is terribly worried, he just can't seem to find an actor good enough to play this big part in this picture. - picture? - yeah, the picture who needs an actor that will frighten people, you know? - oh, that. - that's the picture, yes. and he asked me to recommend somebody, but i couldn't think of anybody. - george. - yeah? - what about me? - well i'm sure you couldn't think of anybody, either. (laughter) - what kind of a part is this george, maybe i could handle it. - no harry, you're a good straight actor, but this is character stuff, you see. anyway this-- - what are you saying george, i'm great at character stuff. i'm what you might call a man of a thousand faces. - you couldn't be, or you wouldn't have picked that one. (laughter) - you know whatever kind of a part it is, i can handle it. what is it, a western? watch this, watch. move it!

or i'll fill you full o' lead, sure as my name is cactus jack! (laughter) - it's not western. and this delay is costing-- - wait, wait a minute, a civil war story, george? a southern soldier. i'll come back to you soon, honey child, just as soon as we chase them yankees clear out through georgia. - it's not southern. (laughter) this delay, you see they've got-- - i'm just picking things out of the-- oh george! wait a minute. get this. me velly good numba one boy. me workie velly hard. chop chop! - it's not mexican. (laughter) - this delay is costing my-- - george, wait, i need a little help-- - harry, it's an african witch doctor, it's something that takes a lot of talent, you see. - an african witch doctor, are you kidding george? get a load of this. (von zell yells incoherently) (laughter)

that might be it. harry, that might be great. harry, what do you think? - he conveyed a mood of savagery that actually made me see the jungle. - i could even smell it! - so could i. (laughter) - look, this producer's gonna be here for dinner. - tonight? - you get dressed up in a witch doctor's costume-- - in a costume? - in a costume. audition and you've got the part! - what time? - eight o'clock sharp. - eight o--thank you, boss. - and harry, don't lose that savage in you. - oh, i've got it all the time. - alright. (von zell yells incoherently) (laughter) - george, let me congratulate you. von zell has the mind of a 12-year-old, and you are one of the few men who can meet him at his own level. (laughter) - for dinner, you and i are coming down in those hunting outfits, to show our wives how ridiculous that colonel looks in his shorts. - i have no objections. i will match my limbs with any man's. - yes harry, i've seen your knees and they're darling.

- well, here we are, eileen.@ - thank you, ronnie. oh, oh you know i wish mother were with me. - why? - well i can see, you have such a beautiful home. i'm afraid mother's a little bit snobbish. she thinks civilization ends right outside of pasadena. - well we beverly hills natives have been civilized for almost a year now. here, let me hang your coat up. go right in, mother and dad are expecting you. - fine. (laughter) (eileen squeals) (laughter) well, ronnie. - yeah? - uh, ronnie, when we stopped at the drive-in, you did buy me a lemonade, didn't you?

- i mean they didn't put anything else in it, did they? - no! (laughter) - oh. well then you have two lions in your living room. (laughter) - it was the right number. (laughter) look, eileen i forgot to tell you but, you see sometimes my mother gets mixed up with weird people and things. look, my father can straighten everything out. he's never off-base. dad! dad! - i'm sure he isn't. - oh, of course not. (laughter) - dad, i really-- - oh, this must be eileen, ronnie told me all about you. - uh, hello. - and you're very pretty, even with your mouth open. come on in, sit down. - dad, what is all this? - they sent back the wrong laundry. (laughter) - mr. morton!

- eileen, this is our next-door neighbor, mr. morton. he's a scout master, but he just lost his troop. (laughter) - dad, please tell me what's going on. - i think i can explain it. we have a house-guest, colonel bradley, and your mother and mrs. morton think that he's the greatest, and he dresses this way so we wanted to show them how silly he looks. - oh, i see. - told you dad would straighten everything out. - that was the most exciting story i ever heard. (laughter) - it was the strangest sight i've ever seen. (laughter) until now. - mrs. morton, this is eileen. - oh, hello, eileen. - and this is my mother. - oh, hello, eileen. and this is colonel bradley, and my son. - how do you do? - how do you do? - and eileen, don't mind the way my husband is dressed, you see his uncle is a witch doctor. (laughter) - that's right, he's got an office on rivington street. - oh ronnie, please-- - ronnie would you pass the hors d'oeuvres? - yes.

(witch doctor yells incoherently and the women scream) - george, your uncle is here, ask him to dinner. (laughter) - give him back the eye! - harry von zell, you did a great job. (witch doctor yells) back! harry, that was a wonderful job! now go! harry! harry! - i'm sorry, the place was closed, i couldn't rent the costume. (laughter) - this is pretty hard to explain. i'm not going to. (laughter)

(jovial music) - ronny, your books must be upstairs. they're not down here. (doorbell) oh, there you are. - hello, mrs. burns. won't you come in? - well, thank you. (laughter) - oh, mrs. burns, you said on the phone that you wanted to see me. that it was very important. - oh well, if it is very important i certainly do want to see you. now, what is it? - no, you wanted to talk to me. - oh, i do. so i think yours can wait, because what i have to say is very urgent. - may i sit down? - oh, of course. - you and ronny were such good friends. you were at our house almost everyday, but you haven't been here in the last two weeks. is there anything wrong? - well, to tell you the truth mrs. burns, ronny and i had a fight.

what about? - well, every time we go out on a double date ronny always ends up with the better looking girl. - oh, well then both of you take out one girl, and he won't have so much to choose from. (laughter) - yeah, but you see mrs. burns, i didn't mind about the other girls that ronny took away from me, but he made this big pitch for madeline. - madeline? oh, i'm crazy about her, mrs. burn, and you should see her. she's ava gardner, and lana turner, and marilyn manroe all rolled up into one. - oh, my goodness. she ought to go on a diet. - no, but yeah she is beautiful. but anyway, we went to this dance as a foursome. ronny danced every dance with madeline, so i went home alone, but not before i told ronny off, and madeline too, no girl makes a fool out of me, although, i wish this one would try. - mother, i'm on my way to the library... oh hi, ralph. it's good to see you. (laughter) look ralph, i can explain about the dance. i wasn't trying -- - ha.

- ha, ha. - ha, ha, ha. - ha, ha, ha, ha. - ronny, that's enough. ralph is company. let him have the last word. (laughter) now boys, remember you are friends, and no matter how much you hate each other, that's what counts. - friends? ha, ha, ha. - now mother you better jiggle him, his needle is stuck. - look, you boys wait right here and don't move. i've got to go see blanche. oh, i wish you'd heard what my mother said about friendship to my father when he came home late at night. - mrs. burns? well, what did she say? - yeah? - well i don't know. they use to chase me out of the room. i was too young to listen. (laughter)

(laughter) - i better get those boys together before gracie gets them further apart. (laughter) - cbs meet nbc. (laughter) mind if i sit between you? wonder what time this bus gets to pittsburgh. (laughter) you know before i met your mother, i worked audiences like this? (laughter) - ralph is being very stubborn and pigheaded about this. he thinks i'm trying to take his girl away from him, but madeline was just trying to make him jealous. - ha, ha, ha. - it's too late to laugh at that joke. the bus is on it's way back from pittsburgh. (laughter) ah, it's only some girl. she isn't the only pebble on the beach. - no, but she's the roundest.

there are millions of girls. - i'm sure before the year is up, you boys will have at least 50 new girls apiece. - we will? - of course. you boys are men of the world now. - we are? - yeah, you know that old saying. a woman is just a woman, but a good cigar is the smoke. so here fellows. - oh, thanks mr. burns. - go ahead, light up. - well, in a little while. about a year or so. - how about you? - well he's company. i'm going to wait for him to light up first. - good, good. i'll save them, i'll save them. shake hands now. - alright (laughter) - funny. really funny. - well, ralph come on down to the library with me, and we'll stop off at the soda fountain, and celebrate our reunion. - o.k., but it's kind of early for soda, isn't it? - yeah, but there's two new waitresses on duty, and we've got to start on those 50 girls each. - yeah, ron, just one thing. - what? - don't make my 50 your 50.

- well all they needed was the old master's touch. now the boys are friends again, and we've got no problem. got no show either, but we've got no problem. (laughter) imagine ralph and ronny fighting over a pretty girl. at that age there are so many more important things to fight about. like there's uh, uh... well then they can uh, could uh, well not together, but individually, they could. you know, by the time i think of it, they'll be my age, and they'll be too old to fight about anything. (laughter) - some people enjoy quarreling. like this friend of mine and his wife. she loves a good fight, and she fights all day long with everybody she meets. and she talks in her sleep, and she's very mad at her husband because he doesn't, and she's got nobody to fight with at night. (laughter) and take engaged couples. now, they should get together, and talk things over,

then there would be fewer arguments. of course, fewer marriages. (laughter) and i think it's silly for couples to fight just because they don't like each other. why can't a husband and wife dislike each other? you can't please everybody. (laughter) i remember when we use to live on rivington street, and there was a couple that lived above us who came from the old country. they hadn't been here too long, and they use to fight, and scream at one another, and call each other names. and my mother decided to be a peace maker, so she went up and asked the wife what was wrong. she said that there was nothing wrong. they both loved each other. my mother said, "why are you fighting?" she said, "because we want the neighbors "to know we can speak english." (laughter) i was a kid in those days, and i wouldn't fight with anybody. when i saw trouble, i use to run the other way. not that i was a coward, but i knew even then that someday i would be in television, and i didn't want to spoil my looks. (laughter) it's too bad i didn't have a fight or two.

- now blanche, don't worry. i'm sure my idea will work. hello dear. - hello. hello blanche. - hello. (jaunty music)

i'm gong up into the den to watch it. and you'd better watch it too because i'm going to ask questions later. (laughter) - ronny and ralph are in the living room, so let's start the argument. - but i still can't see it working. - well look blanche. we're friends and they're friends. they'll hear us arguing, rush out, and see how silly it looks, and then they'll make up. - o.k., we'll fight. how do we begin? - well, i think it starts with ha. - ha? - ha, ha. - ha, ha. - you're supposed to add another one. (laughter) - ha. (laughter) i never expected this. here we've been neighbors for years, and i come over to borrow a few eggs, and you refuse me. - oh, blanche. we're friends, you can have all the eggs you want. (laughter) - it's for the fight. - oh, ha. why shouldn't i refuse you eggs?

- [blanche] i don't hear them. - [gracie] well sure. they're so mad they aren't even talking to each other. (laughter) yours is a cheapskate. (dish breaking) - and yours is a miser. (dish breaking) - and if i never see you again, that will be too soon. - that goes for me too. (laughter) oh hello, harry. - hello, girls. - ha. - and besides, you're a shrimp. - you're a lobster. (dishes breaking) - gracie, those boys should have been here in to stop this by now. they're gone. oh, it was for nothing. i did the best i could, gracie, and i'm so sorry i broke all your cups. - well, it doesn't matter. what's yours is mine, what's mine is yours. we're really friends, and we borrow from each other,

- yeah do you remember i came over to borrow some sugar yesterday morning? - well, sure. that's when i went back and borrowed these cups from you. (laughter) - they're part of that horrible sovereign set that harry loves so much because he won it at the world's fair. - oh good, because we'll need a few more cups for when the boys come back. - gracie, i don't this this fighting thing will work. but listen, you told me that ralph is angry because ronny stole his girl. now all you have to do is let ralph steal one of ronny's girls. then they will be even, and they'll make up. - alright, i'll try it. i'll call bonnie sue, but i still think breaking cups is more fun. (knocking) - come in. - george you will never believe. george, you'll never believe what i just saw. - what? - in your kitchen. gracie and blanche having a terrible fight.

- no. - well, it's true. i saw them. george, what are we going to do about this? we can't let a beautiful friendship like that just break up. - why not? if they want to fight, let them fight. - well, i knew you... you don't care? - nope. (laughter) - well, that is the most heartless thing i ever heard. george burns, you ought to be ashamed of yourself. you are a selfish monster without a sympathetic bone in your body. - go on, harry. - well i will. you're smug, and self-centered, and just plain mean. - go on. - certainly the most miserable person i ever worked for. - quite right, and i hope your next boss is much nicer. - you have consideration for anybody, and i have no respect for you. i have no - [george] job. i have no job. i have no job? - no job. (laughter) - well then, i've made a fool of myself. - well, that's alright, harry. you did it on your own time. (laughter)

and that figures because, after all george, you're a level headed man, and i'm not a dull dope who gets carried away by his emotions. - go on, harry. - the thing that i admire, george. is that you spotted the truth right away. the truth that women enjoy fighting, so let them fight. - this time you're really fired. - well, i knew you'd reconsider. (laughter) i'm on your side. - harry, blanche and gracie have been friends for years, and we've got to stop them from fighting. (laughter) - i'll just sit here until i know which side you're on. all i'm trying to do is keep my job. - and you can get your job back if you help me to stop the girls from fighting. - where have you been, george? - that is the idea i had when i came in. - harry, i'm the boss, and i think of the ideas. - oh.

well, i'm glad you thought of this, but how are we going to do it? - you go over and start a fight with harry morton in front of blanche. show her how silly it looks for two friends to fight. and show her how silly their fight really was, i want you to break a few cups. - harry morton would grab me and throw me out. - oh, no, no, no. i'll phone harry morton and set the whole thing up with him. - [harry] and blanche will see how silly it is. - [george] get started. - you know my character. do you think i'd phone harry morton?

- you weasel. and get that sunny look off that stupid face of yours. - (drowned out) (laughter) - i'm not talking to your wife. i'm talking to you. you rat. you skunk. you lily-livered curr. - blanche, has this mad man gotten

- oh, mad man, am i? i got a good mind to to tear you apart with my bare hands. - well von zell, the most charitable thing i can say to you is that you are not yourself. has the sun softened that thing that you call your brain? - why you big stuffed shirt. (dish breaking) (commotion) and then i'll smash you. (commotion) oh is that so? miser cheap scape. (laughter) - you touch one more piece of that crockery, and i will thrash you unmercifully. you maladjusted maniac. - oh, i'd like to see you try it. you puny cpa. (dish breaking) (laughter) - out you go. - (mumbling) getting purple in the... harry you're hurting me. - hurt you? i'll thresh you within an inch of your life.

did george phone you? - no. (laughter) what caused that? - harry, that was so funny when gracie called me over. whenever i try to tell them (laughing) - so that's why i phoned you to come over, bonnie sue. you see, we've got to make ralph and ronny friends again, and blanche thinks you'll be better than teacups. (laughter) - i don't know what you mean, mrs. burns, but i'll do anything to make ronny happy. - aw, good. now, since ralph thinks that ronny stole his girl, the way to even things up and make him happy is to have ralph steal ronny's girl. that's you. - wait, you mean ralph is going to steal me away from ronny? - well no, not really.

and make him think he's doing it. - but that would make ronny jealous, and i like him a lot, and i don't want to lose him. anyway, why pick on me? ronny has lots of other girls. - oh no, no, no. you're the only one. - i am? - well, sure. that's why i called you instead of all those other girls. (laughter) - well mrs. burns, ma'am, i'll do it. might do ronny good to show him he hasn't got me hogtied. - well bonnie sue, ma'am. i don't know what that means, but i'll call the boys. ronny? ralph? will you come down here? - the boys are up there together? but i thought they were fighting. - well, certainly. they couldn't fight if they weren't together. (laughter) - mother, did you want to see... bonnie sue. - ralph it's always. hi. - hi. - well, i'd better go. i can see the two of you three want to be alone.

- my, what a cute, little, old sweater. where did you get it? - i think it came from a little, old sheep. - oh, that was very cute, but you always are, ralphy boy. - [ralph] i know, but i didn't think you noticed it. (laughter) - what's going on? - we're just doing some chin chucking. - and i've got the chin she loves to chuck. - look, ralph, that's my girl. - she sure is. - i sure am. ralphy, you're just as frisky as a little, old bull in a clover patch. - you're sweet as a lamb in springtime. - bonnie sue, what about me? - get along, little doggy. - yeah, don't clutter up our corral. (laughter) - [ronny] look ralph, you'd better stop this because you're going to get chucked alright, but it's going to be right out of here on your little, old chin. (laughter) - [ralph] ha.

- ha, ha, ha. - ha, ha, ha, ha. - well, thanks for trying bonnie sue, but it didn't work, so you boys wait right here. blanche and i will have to go back to teacups. (laughter) - trying? what were you and mother trying? - well, she wanted me to play up to ralph, so you'd all be friends again. - should have known. look bonnie, so we are friends. - sure we are. - come on, i'll take you for a drive. - hey, hey, what about me? - come along, little doggy. (laughter) - look, ronny. (laughter) - harry. we're having some company at our house, and i'd like to borrow a few cups. oh these would be fine. - oh, george. careful, those are my world's fair cups, and these four are all that i have left. - well, that's exactly the amount i need. - well, yes. perhaps they would be safer over at your house. - i'm sure.

- oh, thanks. - george, please don't handle them, george. i'll do this myself. - oh, yes. - i won these at the world's fair, and i wouldn't have anything happen to them for the world. - we don't want them chipped. - oh, no. this was for a feast. - let me open the door. (chatter) - and you wear last year's dresses. - oh, yeah? well, your carpets aren't wall to wall. - oh, yeah? - oh, yeah. - be careful you don't trip. - gracie, here are the cups you wanted. - oh, thank you harry. - oh yeah? (dish smashing) - yeah (dish smashing) - oh, yeah? (dish smashing) (dish smashing) (laughter) - you female von zell. (laughter) - where are the boys? - well, they heard you fighting, and the realized how silly they were, and they made up. - oh, now you see, george. you're not married to an ordinary woman. - i know, that's why i love you.

- oh, yeah. (applause) (applause) i'm betty white and i'm known for trying to be funny but today i'd like to talk to you about something serious. i was nervous about living alone, what if i fell, how would i get help, but now philips lifeline allows me to live with confidence because i know help is always available. philips lifeline is the number one medical alert service in the u.s. today. anyone over 65 with a medical condition that inhibits mobility. particularly if they live alone needs a philips lifeline. philips lifeline has been recommended by more than 200,000 healthcare professionals and serve more than 7 million seniors. i'm proud to wear my philips lifeline. shows that i'm smart enough to take care of myself. innovation and you. philips lifeline. with philips lifeline you get fast, easy access to help 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. stay in your own home and keep doing

- thank you. thank you. thank you very much. gracie, which allen will we talk about tonight? - well, the most exciting one is my uncle who was the prospector. death valley allen. - death valley allen? that does sound exciting. what did he do? - oh, plenty. you must have heard of the famous lost gold mind in death valley? - lost gold mind? no, no, did he find it? - he's the one who lost it. - oh, he lost it. i hope that wasn't the high point of his entire career. how did he lose it?

he drew a map of the place, and to make sure nobody stole it from him, he tore the map in half. - he tore this map in half. - yes, and then he buried one half somewhere in the desert, and the other other half he put in his shoe, and then he went back into town. - to register the claim. - yes, but he couldn't find one half of the map. - well naturally, when you bury half a map in the desert, it's bound to get lost. - oh, well he found that half. - he found that half? - yeah, he couldn't find the half he hid in his shoe. (laughter) - well, he couldn't remember which shoe he hid it in. - why didn't he take his shoes off? - he did. he took off one shoe, and it wasn't there. - why didn't he take off the other one? - he was afraid to. you see, he was a very nervous man. he knew if he didn't find it in that shoe, he'd kill himself. (laughter) - so he went back to the desert again? - [gracie] yeah, well. - [george] i thought so. - for years he hunted for gold, and silver, and oil, and uranium. - did he find anything? - once he found a gold nugget that big.

- no, he tossed it away. - he threw it away? - yeah. that year he happened to be prospecting for oil. - i'm sure he didn't give up. - well, for a while he did. - for a while he gave up? - he decided instead of prospecting himself, he'd sell supplies to the other prospectors. - well, that makes for good sense. - yes, and he knew what they wanted most, so he loaded 250 pounds of ice on his faithful donkey, and he set out into the desert. - and made his fortune? - no, no. every time he reached a prospector all he had was a cool, damp donkey. (laughter) - he went through a lot of hardships to get nowhere. - finally he decided to give up prospecting forever and marry his childhood sweetheart, lulu, and he became one of the richest men in the world. - lulu had that kind of money, eh? - she didn't have a cent. - oh, she didn't. - on his wedding night he took his shoes off and finally found the other half of the map. - other half of the map. - gracie say goodnight.

(jovial music) - come on, harris, put a little elbow into it. the captain likes his floor nice and shiny. ooh, the waste basket isn't empty. he'll blame me. now come on. move, move, move, go. what? oh. - [screaming] - sir, are you all right? - my leg. my leg. - captain binghamton, carpy, what happened? - well, oh, no. he tripped, he fell down. - ow, my leg. get me a corpsman. oh, my leg, my poor old leg. - wait a minute. wait a minute. don't touch him. i took a course in first aid. the first thing we learned is to relieve all external pressure to the injured limb. here, how does that feel, sir? - it's the other leg, you dodo. get away from me. - it looks like a pulled tendon or a torn ligament. now, you call the hospital. - the hospital. - tell them to get an ambulance over here right away. - we must get our captain to the hospital. - before you call hospital, i got a question to ask you, captain. - what is it? what, what, what, what? - do you have hospitalization? - do i have hospitalization?