(jovial music) - come on, harris, put a little elbow into it. the captain likes his floor nice and shiny. ooh, the waste basket isn't empty. he'll blame me. now come on. move, move, move, go. what? oh. - [screaming] - sir, are you all right? - my leg. my leg. - captain binghamton, carpy, what happened? - well, oh, no. he tripped, he fell down. - ow, my leg. get me a corpsman. oh, my leg, my poor old leg. - wait a minute. wait a minute. don't touch him. i took a course in first aid. the first thing we learned is to relieve all external pressure to the injured limb. here, how does that feel, sir? - it's the other leg, you dodo. get away from me. - it looks like a pulled tendon or a torn ligament. now, you call the hospital. - the hospital. - tell them to get an ambulance over here right away. - we must get our captain to the hospital. - before you call hospital, i got a question to ask you, captain. - what is it? what, what, what, what? - do you have hospitalization? - do i have hospitalization?

get him away from me, mchale!

- there you are, sir. nice and comfy. now, in a week you will be as good as new. - a week?

what about the war? who's going to run the base? - well, sir, your aid lieutenant carpenter can-- - oh, that ninny, he can't even-- oh, i suppose i'll have to. where is he anyway? where, where, where, where? - he's just outside with a couple of other visitors. - oh. - you can come in now, quint. - thanks, molly. hi, captain. i hope you're feeling better. we just dropped by to see if we can do anything to help. - yes, you'd like to see if there's anything you can do to help me stay in here longer while you pillage the base. - sir, just look at you. it's heartbreaking. the tiger of taratupa in dry dock. - well, chuck and i will be running along but don't you worry, sir. we'll keep things running. yes, sir. - i know how you think you'll be keeping things running, mchale, but just you forget it, because while i'm in here, i'm putting carpenter in charge. - carpy? - you heard him. ca--me, sir? in command? oh, thank you, captain, and believe me, i shall maintain your high

- oh, shut up. just so you remember, mchale, he is my good right arm and you keep those cut throats of yours in line. - oh, well, don't worry about my boys. they'll do their jobs, sir. - yes, sir, you can count on us. why don't you just lie back and relax. here, i'll fluff up the pillows for you. - get out of here! - they're all fluffed up. - come on, charlie. - bye-bye, captain, bye. [laughter] - ruler of emperor once say, "good things come to those who wait." - hey, listen. with binghamton out of the way we can do anything we want. - it's open season. - the sky's the limit. - yeah, hey, fellas, wait a minute. what about the skipper, won't he get sore? - no sweat. lieutenant carpenter's taking care of that, too. he called parker and skip to a staff meeting. - [cheering] - i tell you, fellas, the lid's off. it's like chicago in the 20's. - hey, i got an idea. why don't we call the marines in for a friendly, uh, poker game? - i'll start marking the cards. - that's small potatoes. this is our chance

remember gruber's law of economics? invest nothing, make a lot. - the still. - the still. - yeah! - what are we waiting for? last one to the vat stirs the mash. - we got it! - so, that is the situation, men. while our fallen leader is in sick bay, i shall take the helm. and i shall steer our base through the stormy waters that lie ahead. - ok, carpy, ok. now, let's go down to the club and have a few beers, huh? - give that man 4 demerits. - yes, sir. - oh, come on. knock it off. - what was that, mchale? what, what, what, what? speaking at a staff meeting without being recognized, another 2 demerits. - oh, brother. - now, hear this. you men will learn that i run a taut ship. i expect the hatches battened, the brass polished, and the bilgers pumped. ensign, do you know what that means? - yes, sir, it means you're drunk with power.

gentlemen, that will end our first briefing. dismissed. look lively. look lively. oh, wait, parker and mchale. just a minute, you men. i have a very special assignment for you 2. - yes, sir. - i want a complete inventory of the oil dump. - the oil dump? - count all those oil drums? - precisely. and you better get started right away if you want to get back by chow time. dismissed. - the captain's going to be mad when he sees his desk. - yeah, we better get out of here before admiral blythe takes away our good conduct medals. - hey, let's go, workers, speed it up. the boys in those trenches are waiting. - yeah, the booze has got to get through, huh? - the orders sure are pouring in. - hey, with that patsy carpenter in charge we can take over the whole south pacific. - yeah! [whistle blows] - all right, you men. you're surrounded. - a raid. sayonara. [whistle blows] - don't anybody move. you are all under arrest. come on in, men.

what's the matter with you? aha, was i right? get a picture of that, sailor. - now, wait a minute, lieutenant carpenter. i can explain. - you wait a minute and hold those. - these are just medical supplies. - oh, knock it off, gruber, who are you trying to kid? sailor, let's get a profile of the ring leader. - hold it. that's my bad side. - all right, now, a volunteer for fingerprints. we need some fingerprints. you're a volunteer. - i demand a lawyer. - you demand nothing. put your hand down there and have your fingerprints taken. now, we'll just round up all this little evidence. and we shall call this exhibit "a." aah! don't you smile. take that smile off your face and give me those bottles. this will--don't you touch that. that's exhibit "b." and it's evidence against you. don't you ever touch something like that. now, let's see what else we can find on you boys. ha ha ha ha. - hey, with all that evidence, we're dead. what are we going to do, grube? - don't worry about a thing. leave it to me. ah, lieutenant carpenter, sir. if you please. get away from that steam it's wrinkling your suit.

but there will be no mercy shown, don't ask for any. - there's no getting around it, sir. you got us dead to right. but, uh, since we're all service men, we were wondering if you'd be in the market for a little say, uh, something under the table? - a bribe? what did you have in mind, grube? - well, since you put it so crudely, say 50 or 75 in cash, plus a bottle of genuine taratupa bourbon. - how much? - well, i'll tell you what, make it a 100 even and a piece of the action. how does that sound, lieutenant? - i just hope it was loud enough. - loud and clear, sir. - you have a nice voice, gruber. and we're going to call that exhibit "c." - make it a 100 even and a piece of the action. how does that sound, lieutenant? - play it again, elroy, play it again. - sir, you haven't seen the photographs yet. here. oh, oh, here's one you'll like, sir.

- it's a group picture of all of them standing around the still. - ha ha ha ha. oh, my. this one alone should be good for life, huh? - sir? - mm-hmm? - the whisky. - oh, the whisky. yes, the whiskey. - fingerprints. - fingerprints. - and, sir, movies in living color. - ah, ha ha ha. sit closer, elroy. - oh, thank you, sir. - sit closer, boy. now, i'm going to get out of here saturday morning. we'll set the court-martial for saturday afternoon. oh, what a wonderful get well present that will be. - oh, we've got them this time, sir. - yes, we really... what do you mean we? who is we? what we? - sir, after all i was, i, oh, no, sir, no, sir. i didn't mean "we," sir. it was you, sir. it was all your idea. yes, sir. - don't you forget that. you're just following my orders. now, don't get pushy, carpenter. i'm still in command here. get off of the bed. what are you doing sitting on the bed anyway?

of course you're in command, sir. after all, i'm just a lowly lieutenant. - ah, forget it. now, give me my pictures and get out of here. - sir, here you are, sir. - go on over and tidy up the office. - yes, sir. i'm sorry, sir. i didn't mean to be pushy, really. - oh, shut up. ahh, if i could only see the look on mchale's face now. - oh, you guys. why didn't you just go out and stick your heads in a noose? with all the evidence against you, you're going to have to have clarence darrow as a lawyer just to get a life sentence. - life. i'll never live that long. - well, you can say that again. my back is killing me. - that's terrible making you guys work with picks and shovels. but of course you are learning a trade for after the war. - oh, ease off, chuck. this is a rough spot. - that creep carpenter is trying to out binghamton binghamton. - yeah, he probably figures this court martial's going to get him a promotion. - yeah, that's right. - all right, all right, hold it. can't you see i'm trying to think, you guys? promotion.

- oh, quint, chuck, did you see the new director from acting commander carpenter? he's having a staff meeting in 15 minutes. - another one? what about the inspection he ordered and the inventory? - and what about that practice alert he scheduled? boy, that carpenter sure is an eager beaver. - boy, i'll say. if you ask me, i think he's taking advantage of binghamton's accident to make a name for himself. - so long, quint. - it's time to take our temperature. - i don't want my temperature taken. what is all this about carpenter? - now, now, no taking. i tell you, captain. you certainly made a wise choice putting lieutenant carpenter in charge. why, he's the talk of the whole base. such efficiency and so bright and inspiring. - what about me? i'm bright and inspiring. at least i was until this stupid thing. - of course you are.

you know, youth and all that. you remember. - remember. what do you mean youth? i'm only 41. - and he's only 31. oh, dear, you're running a temperature. you just lie back there and relax. - relax. who can relax at a time like this? ow. - well, i'll be by to check that supply depot again and this time, my friend, it better be neat. do you hear me? neat! neat, neat! oh, what is it mchale? what, what, what, what? - oh, we've just been by to see the captain, sir, and i hate to worry you but, oh, he's feeling kind of low. - captain binghamton? - uh-huh. - low? what's wrong? well, i've been so busy here, i haven't been able to get over to the hospital. - he's feeling pretty depressed. in fact, he's thinking of, well, you know...

personal belongings-- you know, like the ship's clock or a few pictures, you know, anything to make him sort of feel at home. - that's a splendid idea. you fellas gather it all up and then we'll all go over to the hospital together. - you, sir? - oh, yes. - do you think you should leave headquarters? after all, you're in command here. what if there was an emergency or something? - yeah, suppose there's an air raid or suppose somebody's mother calls? - i think maybe you're right, mchale. i better not leave my post. - hiya, captain, we just brought over a few of your things from the office. - what, what? those are my citations, my ship's clock. who asked you to bring them over here? - oh, uh, acting commanding carpenter, sir. it was an order. what was it he said again, skip? - oh, uh, forget it, chuck. forget it. - what did carpenter say? what did he say? what, what, what, what? - oh, well, it was really nothing, sir, nothing, besides, why aggravate yourself? - mchale, i want to know what he said.

- well, if you insist, captain. well, he said, um, get the old man's junk out of here. - old man! junk! how dare he take those things out of my office? i want to see him and i want to see him right now. - well, he's out inspecting, sir. he's driving us crazy with all that spit and polish and, oh, please, sir, get well, please. - i don't understand it. it's almost as though he were bucking for a promotion. - now, chuck, you and your rumors. ha ha ha. why, no, no. you never have to worry about acting commander carpenter, sir. remember he's your prot\g\. chuck, chuck, we forgot the flowers. - oh, the flowers, yeah. uh, lieutenant carpenter picked them himself. - elroy did this for me? ha ha ha ha. and to think i was beginning to suspect the boy. you know, i almost thought that for a minute there he tried to trip me on purpose. ha ha ha ha. oh, look at that.

golden rod. - golden rod? - he knows i'm allergic to golden rod. ah-choo. - ah, it couldn't have been intentional, sir. at least i don't think it was. - here. let me get rid of them. - ah-choo. - carpenter's coming. - i'll back up. well, we better be on our way, captain. - where are you running off to now, mchale? - oh, we have to go get back to headquarters. carpenter wants us to scratch your name off the door. - oh, he does, does he, that sneaky little rat. - oh, hi, captain. have i got news for you. - i've got news for you, too, you ambitious punk. stripping my office, sending me golden rods, you crazy. - golden rod? but, sir, i don't understand. i don't know what you're talking-- - ah, ah, ah, but you better get out of here, sir, because, you see, the captain is in no mood for visitors. - yeah, a poor man in his condition can get violent, boy. - aah! you get out of here, carter.

- aah! - but i don't understand. oh, i don't understand it. i just wanted to tell him that admiral rogers is arriving this afternoon for an inspection. - admiral rogers is... - shh. - he's coming here? - yes, that's right. i thought the captain should be the first to know. - well, well, we'll tell him won't we, chuck? yeah. - yeah, just as soon as he's finished with his fit. - now, you must have an awful lot of work to do at headquarters and with the admiral coming-- - oh, i have. you know i have. thank you, and you be sure to tell him. - yes, oh, yes. - thank you. - of all the rotten luck, the admiral's coming here. if he finds out about the court-martial and sees that evidence, the boys have had it. - yeah, well, i'll go along with that. well, what are we going to do, skip? - well, some way, somehow we got to get that court-martial over with before the admiral gets here. - hey, that's a great idea. how would you go about doing that?

for this afternoon. - without telling binghamton? oh, boy, he'd blow his top, skip. - yeah, that's exactly what i had in mind.

- hey, it's skip. - hey, boy, are we glad to see you. - hey, skip, what gives? we just heard that our court- martial's been moved up to this afternoon. - that's right, boys. - believe me, you don't know the trouble we went through to get it changed. - you mean you're the guys that got it switched? - thanks a lot. - they'll hang us. - now, now, now, don't try to figure it out, boys. chuck and i have got a lot of work to do. we just don't want you to worry about a thing, ok? come on, chuck. let's go. - [mumbling] - oh, i beg your pardon, sir. but we're conducting a base inventory. - base inventory? i didn't ask for any base inventory. - well, it's commander carpenter's orders, sir, yes, sir.

you using? - i've been using 2 on these chilly nights. - but i don't see what-- - 2? oh, i'm sorry, sir. but you see 1 is all that you're allowed. yes, sir. now, you see, it's commander carpenter's new economy program. - commander, my foot. i am sick and tired of that tyrant. now, you give me my blanket. now, where is he? where, where, where, where? - now, sir, your nerves. don't get upset. hey, let me turn on some music and relieve your tensions. yes, sir. - it's 12:00 and time for the armed forces radio news. - i don't want any news. i want to-- - this late word in from taratupa. rumor has it that there's a high-level personnel shake-up in the making. - personnel shake-up. what's he talking about? - acting commander carpenter has submitted a plan to comfleet for a scrape the barnacles program. carpenter plans to retire all elderly, that's elderly, naval officers and replace them with young men like himself.

elderly? i'm only in my mid 30's. - oh, but sir, carpenter's only in his 20's. - he is not. that liar. he's over 31. - the youthful carpenter, barely out of his teens, took over command from the aging, ailing captain binghamton. that's aging and ailing. - that does it. - no, no, no, sir, your leg! your leg, sir. here. nurse, nurse, nurse! - calm down, captain. calm down. - here. take this pill. - did you hear that? - that ought to put you to... - oh, that double-crosser, that carpenter. oh, i trusted that man and he turned on me. - yes, well, don't worry, sir. everything's going to be all right. - of course, everything's going to be all right. now, you just get some shut eye. - yes, all right. - bye-bye, captain. - oh, that carpenter, that skunk.

- mr. binghamton. old man, come here. hurry up with that. - grunting] oh, please, admiral carpenter please. show me some mercy. i've scraped the barnacles. i've waxed the mission mast. i even vacuumed the poop deck. - complaining, are you? just for that i'm cutting off your water ration. - not my water. not my water, sir. i need my water. i'm parched, i'm parched, water, water. - water. i shall give you some water, you slimy bill trap. there. take some. [laughing] - sir, sir, wake up.

- no, no, admiral carpenter. admiral carpenter, mercy, mercy, i--wait a minute, wait a minute. where am i? oh, mchale, admiral parker. - yes, sir, we heard you yelling. you must have been having a nightmare, or to be more accurate, a day mare. - oh, sure, that carpenter was trying to drown me, you know. i was drowning. see? i'm all wet. - we just came by to say good-bye. maybe we'll see you after the war, huh? - oh, after the war? what are you talking about? how long have i been asleep? - oh, well, you see, after the boys get court-martialed today, well, skip and i will probably be shipped out. - there's no court-martial today. the court-martial is not until saturday. - didn't he tell you, sir? why, he switched it to this afternoon. - he what? he switched? without asking me? - i guess he figured that with the admiral coming to discuss your retirement. - ha, oh, the admiral's coming to discuss--the admiral's, coming today. what retirement? i'm not retiring. - oh, we heard you were, sir.

- oh, you did, huh? is that what you heard? well, that does it. help me out of here. - oh, wheelchair, wheelchair, wheelchair. - somebody get the wheelchair. - there you are. - oh, that phony carpenter's trying to drown me. - yes. - he made me carry that big anchor. - yes, yes. - come on. right this way, sir. coming through. - oh! [crash] - captain binghamton. - ah, surprised to see me aren't you, huh? - sir, you're up. you're out of bed. - yes, no thanks to you, you power hungry maniac, you. - me? - yes, you, trying to do me in with a mop handle. - what? - don't forget the golden rod. - oh, yes, the golden rod. that's a very deceitful, treacherous act you tried to pull grabbing my job like that. - but, sir. - take it easy, sir. - take it easy. - oh, take it easy. i'll give the orders around here. - but sir, please, i don't understand. - what did i do? - you don't understand. don't you hand me that. i'm going to teach you to try to use my broken body like a stepping stone. push me in the water, will ya, huh? - i didn't. - take that.

- [screaming] - sir, you're destroying the evidence. please, oh, please, sir. - i'm destroying it. there goes your photographs. there goes your case and your promotion. - oh, sir, the tape recorder. let's not forget that. - aah! and the tape recorder. - what the--what in the name of halls is going on here? - oh, admiral rogers, i know why you're here, sir, but believe me, i am not ready to retire. - retire? i heard you were in the hospital, binghamton, but-- - now, now, he hasn't been himself, sir. he's over-worked. - oh, i'll vouch for that, sir. the captain's tired, he needs a long rest, sir. - don't you listen to him, admiral. he's a traitor. just look at me, admiral. i am just as good as new, sir. and i am barely past 30. i'm like a spring chicken, sir. look at that, huh? there's a lot of good years left in me yet, admiral. ha ha, don't put me out to pasture. - he's flipped. he didn't fall on his leg. he fell on his head. - there, there, there, captain. oh, come along now, sir.

yes, that's it. - yes, that's right, captain. everything's going to be all right. you have nothing to worry about, wally. - oh, thank you, admiral. it's so good to be among friends again, sir. admiral, keep your eye on him, admiral. he's a rat. he's a real rat. he tried to steal my blanket and he tried to send me golden rods. and then he pushed me in the water. and then he faked a phony court-martial. - yeah, well, you forget the court-martial. you forget everything, wally. you need a long rest. - yeah. - so long, wally. enjoyed your dance. - there goes the court- martial, all my hard work right down the drain. - yeah, well, that's the way the ball bounces. so, shall we all go down to the brig and let out the prisoners? - oh, i, i, i... - it's ok, carpy. you can say it. - i could just scream.

- ah, ah, carpenter. - sir? - there's a spot over there you forgot. what kind of an orderly are you? - i'm sorry, sir, i'm sorry. - i went away for a week and the place looks like a stable. - captain binghamton, welcome home, sir. ha, i hope you had a nice leave? - mchale, what is the idea of barging in here without knocking? now, you just go out--aah! aah! - now, easy does it, sir. carpy, carpy, go get an ambulance. get one. hurry up. - captain, this time can i be acting commander? - [indistinct screaming] - what did he say, skip? - translated, it means run for your life. go man, go. - oh, why is it me?

[gunshots] - not a scratch on our supply dump. come on, boys. it's all clear. all right? - not a scratch, skip. - ok? - yeah, no sweat, skip. - come on, boys. come on. - chuck? - splinter in my finger, skip, but i'll make it back. - skipper, look. - who got it? who got it? - just a few little mementoes of our trip, skipper. - a few? well, you got everything here but the kitchen sink. - oh, don't worry, skip. we got that, too.

- hey, skip. we're back. you should have been with us. - those guards on taratupa gobbled up every piece of junk we had. - they were like december brides at a january white sale. - they cleaned us out of everything. statues, silverware, vases, the works. - oh. - here fuj, some of the junk was wrapped up in japanese newspapers. thought you'd like to catch up on the hometown news. - oh, thank you. - well, come on, grube. - start divvying up the profits. - knock it off, you buzzards. you know how i feel about hijacking souvenirs

- don't be mad, skip. we was just trying to make a little spending money. - yeah. - that's all. - we're not going to hurt anybody. - hey, fellas, too bad you all not in japanese navy. get hands on better loot. make more profit. - what are you talking about? - hey, that stuff looks familiar. - look at those jade statues. - hey, and the jewelry. - hey, look at that tea set, with the dragon head on it. - what? i sold a vase for 10 bucks that was the spitting image of that one. - this vase from ming dynasty. worth a million yen from manila museum. - hey, let me take a look at that. suffering seagulls. this is the stuff that the nips looted during the battle of manila. - you mean those were real treasures? - and we were selling them for peanuts? - we was robbed. - i could kill myself. - oh, stick around. i may do it for you. - oh, now wait a minute, skip. that's murder. we're in enough trouble as it is. - i mean, we're in a war. - you can say that again. well, come on. what are you shlockmeisters waiting for? you sold the loot, go on back and buy it. - but, skip, these things are spoils of war. - we liberated it back from the nips.

- well, if you don't get it back, you're going to get something out of it, too. a pen with a lifetime guarantee, and it's called leavenworth. now, come on. move. get on board the boat. come on. let's go. well? - oh, i, um, i just wanted to see if they had any funnies. - yes, admiral. i would certainly be very happy to do you a favor, sir. your slightest wish is my command. ha ha ha. oh, i was just trying to make a point, admiral. - now, look, captain, my daughter's getting married here on new caledonia tomorrow and-- no, binghamton, we already have our best man. - well, i just wanted you to know, admiral, i'm always anxious to pitch in and help. i mean, have tux, will travel. a little joke of mine, admiral. ha ha ha ha. you don't--you don't like it. - now, listen, my chaplain is ill. and i'd like you to send yours down here for the wedding.

no, no, binghamton, just the chaplain. sorry. my guest list is all filled up. bye. - hmm, at least he could have done is ask the groom's parents if i could sit on their side. - yes, indeed, sir. - yes, well, i suppose i'll have to buy a gift even though i'm not going to be in attendance. - oh, yes, sir. - something that the admiral-- i mean the admiral's daughter will find impressive. something that, uh-- - something that the admiral will remember at promotion time. - yes, exactly. oh, cut that out. start thinking. where am i going to get something impressive in a heaven forsaken place like this? - an impressive gift for the-- oh, sir, sir, i think i've got the very thing. just excuse me one second. it's right out here, sir. captain binghamton, sir, look, i just happened to purchase this oriental tea set recently. and it is very impressive. kind of showy, isn't it, sir? oh, my word, yes, yes, that's showy.

you know, elroy, you just may have saved the day. i--i got to get this gift wrapped now. and on the plane for new caledonia. - well, sir, it did cost me quite a bit of money. and i was going to send it to my mother for her birthday. - oh, you were? well, send her a card. - but, sir, i-- - get your greasy fingers off of my tea service. you want to get it all smudged with fingerprints? - sorry, sir, i didn't mean to. - oh, get out of the way. and don't eat my candy. - oh. - that's it. - hey, grube. i got them back. they cost 37 bucks. - oh, those crooks. - well, how are we doing? - from what it's been costing us to buy this stuff back, i'd say we discovered a shortcut to instant bankruptcy. - my heart bleeds for you. come on, what's left? - ah, let's see. just the dragon head tea service, sold to, uh-oh, lieutenant carpenter. - carpenter? - one of the hazards of the retail business, skip. you got to take the customers as they come.

- hey, you guys. stash all this stuff down below. chuck, you come with me. we're going to go over and get ourselves a tea service. come on. - so long now. - well, carpy, just the man i was looking for. - i'm sorry, commander mchale. whatever it is, the answer is no. - oh, ha ha ha ha! carpy, our boy. you got us all wrong, carpy. no, sir, we've broken our last regulation. yes, sirree. ha ha ha. from now on, there will be no more gambling or drinking hard liquor. as a matter of fact, we've even switched to sipping tea. am i right, chuck? - huh? yeah, yeah, as a matter of fact, we love it. in fact, i've been drinking so much lately, when i walk, i slosh. wanna hear? - anyway, carpy, we're in the market for a tea service and-- - well, i'm sorry, commander, but the tea service that i bought isn't for sale. i gave it to captain binghamton this morning. - binghamton? - why, yes. as a matter of fact, right now it's on it's way to

for admiral hardesy's daughter. - well, good morning, gentlemen. - oh, good morning, padre. - good morning, chaplain. i was just on my way over to your quarters - to talk to you, sir. - oh, fine. but at the moment these gentlemen look like they need me more than you do. uh, is there anything i can help you with, mchale? - oh, no, no, no, sir, no, everything's just fine. yes, sir, just fine. - i don't know about you, skip, but i'd like him to punch my ticket. - ha ha. it's just a little joke. ha ha. well, it's nice seeing you, padre. yes, sir. - well, thank you, but, uh, let's try and make it more often, shall we? - yes, sir. - now, what is it lieutenant? - well, sir, admiral hardesy would like you to officiate at his daughter's wedding. as a matter of fact, he called captain binghamton this morning and asked him if he would get in touch with you... - come on. well, how did it go, skip? - is he going to give us back the tea service? - where is it? - where is it? i'll tell you where it is, you bird brains. it's on its way to new caledonia as a wedding present for the admiral's daughter. that's where. - you're kidding. - i'm a regular bob hope.

you're more like a wallace beery. - oh. - see? - will you belay that, chuck? now, listen to this. have you fellas any idea what's going to happen to us if the admiral takes a gander at that tea service and recognizes it? - oh, boy, how do we get out of this one? - how about toasting the bride with a cup of hemlock? - now, look, there will be no celebrating. this is serious. - all i know is that we got to get to new caledonia. - but, skip, binghamton would never give us permission. - that's for sure. so, we got to get there by hook or crook-- or better yet...by chaplain. - yes, but, uh, i don't understand, mchale. since when are you all so interested in an admiral's daughter getting married? - ah, well, the point is, sir, that you will be needing someone to take you to new caledonia tomorrow and, uh... - and out of the goodness of your heart you're volunteering your services. - yes, yes, you might say that, yes. - that's a good a reason as any.

how about it, sir? - well, i'm going to have to get captain binghamton's permission. but, uh, i think he can be persuaded. - oh, you're a man after my own heart, padre. - negative, mchale. not your heart, just your soul. - you let the chaplain go out with that bunch of cutthroats? - why not, sir? i figured what trouble could mchale get into with the chaplain on his boat? - what trouble could mchale get into with a chaplain on the boat? - that's what i just said, sir. - i know you just said that. i tell you, if mchale and those pirates came down from the mount with moses, moses would be shortchanged at least 3 commandments. - oh, sir, well, then maybe i better call them back. should i get on the radio? - negative. negative. i don't want the chaplain to think he can't handle mchale and that crowd. all right, let me see this. - yes, sir, this is from comfleet. this is our new training schedule, sir. oh, and, sir, this is very important.

it's a complete list of the art objects that the japanese looted from the manila museum, sir. they've traced them into this area, sir. they even sent us pictures of all the art objects. see that? - carpenter, i didn't see that last picture. wake up. that's an order. carpenter, you wake up this minute. nobody said at ease. - wake up. wake up. - huh? oh, i'm sorry, sir, but, sir, that tea service. - what tea service? - the one we sent to the admiral's daughter, sir. it's the same one that the nips loaded from that museum. - it's what? what? carpenter, get up. stop sleeping around this office like that. where in the name of nimitz did you get this? - oh, i got it from gruber, sir. he said it was a souvenir. i didn't know. - gruber.

he was looking for a fence to get rid of the rest of that swag. come on, carpenter. we've got to get to the admiral. we--oh, my goodness. my name is on the card that's attached to that blasted tea pot. will you quit lying around here all day? this isn't a dormitory. get on your feet. hurry up. we've got to that tea service back. - i'll make an arrest, sir. - just get the door. - yes, sir. - don't just stand there swaying in the breeze. do something. - aye-aye, sir. - that's not what i wanted. why is it me?

- ah, there we are, padre. safe and sound without the least little bit of trouble. - yeah, and it's too bad in a way, i was sort of counting on witnessing one of your little escapades.

- well, look, if anything real terrible happens, i can take notes. - ha ha ha. oh, that's our chuck. well, now look. i don't want to rush you. i know you got a knot to tie. and of course you can't keep the bride and groom waiting, now can you? - oh, the wedding won't start till 3:00. uh, still, maybe i better check in at the hotel and freshen up, huh? - oh, yes, sir. - well, be good, men. and if you can't be good, be careful. - out, out, out, out. - now, see here, lieutenant. all we wanted to do is drop in-- - orders are orders. the admiral says nobody gets in without an invitation. - move along, sir. - now, wait a minute. you don't understand. we're friends of the groom's. ow. we're friends of the bride. we're a couple of strangers who'd like to--ow. - come on, chuck, or you'll be a pin cushion. - oh, i'm getting so nervous, dear. when is the chaplain supposed to arrive? - i don't know, melissa, and stop worrying.

i think they've done a fine job of decorating this room, don't you? - oh, and to think edgar, in just a few hours we'll be losing our little darling. - there, there, dear, don't forget we may be losing our daughter, but we're gaining a lieutenant. - oh, this is no time for jokes. - oh, now, now, millicent, don't fall apart, dear. now, let's go welcome our guest. - [screaming] - oh, we sure messed things up but good. - they must have every s.p. in the south pacific guarding that place. - if only we knew somebody who had an invite. maybe we could get them to swipe it for us. - oh, not a chance. the only thing that could save us now is a miracle. - yeah, it looks like we've reached the end of the-- chuck, you're a genius, an absolute genius. - oh, i am? you know, you're the second person that's said that. my mother was the first one, she used to-- - later, later, later, boy.

come on, fellas. let's go and find that man that's going to do that miracle. come on. - padre? padre? it's quinton mchale. - maybe he's taking a little nap before the wedding, skip. - he's not here. - maybe he's at the wedding already. - couldn't be. the wedding is not until 3 and it's only 1:00 now, besides his dress uniform's still here. - we're going to have to spread out and find him. chuck, you and gruber stay put. if the padre should come back before we do, fill him in and tell him we need his help, will ya? - doggone it. souvenir hunters, i ought to... come on. let's go.

- who knows, maybe they're having a union meeting. - parker, it's 2:00 and the padre's not back yet. - oh, ok. - stay awake. - well, look, grube, maybe the skip found him. - oh, i doubt it. we would have heard from him by now. nope, i'm afraid we're going to have to swing in action ourselves. mr. parker, somehow one of us has to get into that wedding. so think. we need an idea. - an idea, huh? an idea. an idea. hey, grube, i think i feel something coming on. - you're right. and if it fits, we're in. - hey, wait a minute, grube. what are you doing? this isn't my jacket, this belongs to-- - exactly. it's the chaplain's. what a brain storm. - oh, oh, i, um... - you see, the admiral's never seen chaplain conklin before. get it? we scootch you in, you grab the tea service and you're out in no time.

i can't step into the chaplain's shoes. - ah, forget his shoes. wear your own. whatever happened to bell bottom trousers? - bless you. bless you. rest in peace. - oh, chaplain, i see you finally got here. - he did? he did! uh, yes, uh, amen. - i'm mrs. hardesy. - oh, well, nice to see you. - aah! - oh, sorry. - oh, oh, oh, don't worry, chaplain, accidents do happen and besides there's plenty more champaign. chaplain? - hmm, oh, no, i never touch it. chaplain, you know. - well, i thought perhaps on a special occasion like this. oh, i want you to meet my husband. edgar, over here, dear. - the admiral? - yeah. - oh, well, maybe just one for medicinal purposes. [coughing] - chaplain, i'm admiral hardesy.

- no, i just caught a large bubble. well, um, i'll see you in church? - church? we're not having the ceremony in church. - oh, well, uh, see you in temple. - chaplain, you're going to perform the ceremony right here. - i am. i am. i, oh, uh, excuse me, would you? - chaplain? - huh? oh, just looking. just looking. - i've just been told that i have to get back to the fleet as soon as possible. i'd like you to start the ceremony now. - oh, now wait a minute, that's impossible. i mean, uh, marriage isn't something you rush into, you know, i mean, the couple ought to get to know each other before they get hitched, uh, married. - they have been going steady for 5 years. - 5? is that all? now look, you don't want your daughter living with a perfect stranger, do ya? i mean, a marriage is something serious. i ought to know. my mother and father were married. - chaplain, please, i'd like you to start the ceremony now.

- yes, dear. - no, i don't have an invitation, but i tell you, i've got to get in there. - who in the devil is that? - oh, boy. - i'll see that this goes into his file. - chaplain, what's wrong? - oh, uh, the rude language. you said devil. - i'm sorry, chaplain, but they were creating this disturbance at the door. - what are you doing? i've got it. just a minute. - well, thank goodness they've gotten rid of the pest, whoever he was. - amen, brother. i mean admiral. admiral brother. - well, here we are, chaplain. i'd like you to meet our daughter marilyn, and this is lieutenant yeager. - hi, marylyn, how are you? lieutenant, i mean, uh, i can see she's not a lieutenant. you should have known that. - uh, well, let's get started. all right, everybody. gather round. the chaplain is about ready to begin the ceremony. [all talking at once] - oh, uh...

- chaplain, it's in your pocket. - it is? well, it would be. um, well, i better brush up on this stuff. you know, i'm a little rusty, middle of the week and everything. - chaplain, please, now. - now. well, uh, you want to hold this? "bereaved friends and relatives, "we are gathered here on this solemn occasion to pay our final respects." uh, wait a minute. that's the wrong page. oh, here's a better one. "dearly beloved." - oh. - can you control her? "we're all gathered here on this occasion to," uh... - well? - not hide or hair of the padre. - no luck, skip. - skip, we're really dead now.

["wedding march" playing] - hey, he must have. there's the wedding march. surely the padre must have come back. - skip, oh, boy, am i glad to see you. - all right, out with it. did you guys talk to the padre? - oh, how could we-- he's not back yet. - what are you talking about? he's gotta be. who else could have performed the ceremony? [cheering] - have fun. - bye. - have a good time. - bye. [horn honking] - hey, there's mr. parker. - he's wearing the chaplain's uniform. - oh, no. jumping jump fish. chuck? chuck? chuck, how could you do a thing like that? - oh, there's nothing to it, skip, once you get by the dearly beloved. - this is crazy. you can't perform a wedding. - i'm innocent. take your hands off of me, i tell you. what's the matter with you? - binghamton. - what's he doing here? - i don't know, but if he catches you in that outfit, you're sunk.

- peace. - you've got the wrong man. i'm innocent. there's the man you want, mchale. he's the one, his name's, mchale. - me, captain? why, whatever are you talking about, sir? - what's going on, binghamton? what in blazes are you doing here? - we caught him trying to break into the wedding hall through the window, admiral. - i thought i told you you weren't invited. - he wasn't trying to get to the wedding, admiral. he was trying to steal the gifts. - i was not. what's the matter with you? i was trying to get one of them back. these are the crooks, admiral. they stole the art treasures. - art treasures? what art treasures? - the ones that the japanese stole from the museum in manila. somehow these thugs got their greasy little hands on them and they've been trying to peddle them all over the pacific. - well, now, that's not true, admiral. - will you knock it off, mchale. one of your thugs sold my aide a dragon headed tea service that i gave to the admiral. - well, we'll see about this.

and i mean everybody. - admiral, we can explain everything, sir, if you just give us a little time. - you'll get your time, mchale, you'll get about 20 years when the admiral sees the evidence. yes, here's my card, "from captain binghamton." all right, admiral, here you are, the ming dynasty. - ming dynasty? - yes. - it says here made in brooklyn. - made in brooklyn? well, i don't understand, admiral. this isn't what i-- - binghamton, i want to talk to you in private... - outside. - outside? but--but--but i still don't understand. - i said outside, binghamton. - oh, yeah, so you did. outside. - sorry, mchale, the poor man's probably cracking up under the strain of command. - oh, yes, sir, it's rough, sir. i think a long rest will do him just fine, sir. bye-bye, sir. - i don't get it. - how did that get there? - what happened to the dragon head? - who could have made the switch? - oh, beats me, but one thing i'm sure of,

tt he really had us that time. - i'd give anything to see the admiral chewing him out. - yeah, yeah, stop your crowing, boys. we may have wiggled off one hook, but we still gotta find that real tea service. - oh, you don't have to worry skip. the padre took care of everything. - huh? you mean you switched it? - well, could be. but don't forget, mchale. you gotta return that through channels. - oh, yes, sir. ha ha ha. but, chaplain tell me, how in the world did you find out about the, uh... - you can just thank your pt boat. - huh? - now, as a rule, i don't like to eavesdrop, but with those

- oh, yeah, how about that, boys? ha ha ha. - so long, men, i'll see you later. well, i'm sorry to have to rush off, boys. i've got to get to the airport before that couple leaves on their honeymoon. i still have some marrying to do, you know. - oh, you don't have to rush, sir. i tied a pretty good knot. - oh, yes, and by the way, here's the bill for the tea service i had to buy. $56. - oh, yes, sir, come on, boys, you heard him, start digging. - not now, mchale, not now. you and the boys can put it in the plate, say, uh, this sunday morning? to the airport, hurry. - bye-bye, sir. bye. bye-bye. - we'll see you sunday, for sure! - amen! - bless you, sir. hey, you know, i think i'm getting the hang of it.

i'm mister ed. a horse is a horse, of course, of course and no one can talk to a horse, of course that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous mister ed you're feeling pretty good, now that i'm taking you camping at green valley, huh? yes, sir, buddy-boy. it'lbe good to get away where it's quiet. you know, the addisons fought all night. so old brush-face is in trouble again, eh? (laughs) fill me in. well, kay wants to bring her mother for a visit. addison doesn't want her to. you could hear them all over the neighborhood. you can? well... kay: and for the hundredth time, my mother does not hate you. it's just that you never got a chance to know her. roger: i certainly did. didn't she come along with us on our honeymoon? kay: only because you were too frightened to go by yourself. it is not nice to listen to your neighbor's troubles.