i'm mister ed. a horse is a horse, of course, of course and no one can talk to a horse, of course that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous mister ed you're feeling pretty good, now that i'm taking you camping at green valley, huh? yes, sir, buddy-boy. it'lbe good to get away where it's quiet. you know, the addisons fought all night. so old brush-face is in trouble again, eh? (laughs) fill me in. well, kay wants to bring her mother for a visit. addison doesn't want her to. you could hear them all over the neighborhood. you can? well... kay: and for the hundredth time, my mother does not hate you. it's just that you never got a chance to know her. roger: i certainly did. didn't she come along with us on our honeymoon? kay: only because you were too frightened to go by yourself. it is not nice to listen to your neighbor's troubles.

roger: i say she's not coming here, and i'm the boss. ed. now you touch that door once more, and i won't take you camping. okay, have it your way, dad. i'm not your dad.

carol, will you help me win an argument with my husband? it all depends, kay. well, it's a little devious, and kind of tricky and shady. oh, i'd love to. well, i'll suggest to addison that instead of arguing anymore about whether my mother should come, we leave it to the posts. then i'll give you my honest opinion, and your mother will come. well, only if you think she should. and i'm glad you do. and i'll suggest to kay that we leave it to the posts. will you do it for me, wilbur? rog, if you're in a spot, of course i'll do it. good. but i'm all set to go camping. please, wilbur, i'm begging you. well, all right, rog. good.

wilbur, this is the most important favor i've ever asked of you in my life. you've got to do it for me. well, all right, rog, i'll do it. bless you, my boy. bless you. i've got a feeling by the time we get to green valley, it'll be white with snow. kay, look at it this way, if your mother visits us, instead of two of us arguing, there will be three of us arguing. our house isn't big enough for that. you don't have to quarrel with mother. why don't you go on not speaking to each other, and we'll have a pleasant visit. fine dear, i don't want to seem unreasonable but you can ask anybody if i'm not right. you can ask anybody if i'm not right. hey, that's not a bad idea. why don't we ask someone for an opinion? -someone unbiased. -fair. -objective. -someone we like. -and trust. -yes. say, i have an idea. so have i. both: let's leave it to the posts. friends, we don't want to impose, but would you mind settling an argument between my dear wife and me? all we want is an unbiased opinion.

well, i'm sure you've heard us arguing about kay's mother coming to visit us. if you haven't, you better have your ears checked. well, i hope nobody gets angry at our honest opinion. oh, carol is right. we wouldn't want our honest opinion to affect our friendship. well, you'll certainly find us open-minded. wide open. i think she should come. i don't think she should come. shouldn't come. i mean, she should come. well, you heard her. no, i heard him. see the trouble you've started? but you're the one that's causing the trouble, darling. kay, when i talked to you this morning, i had no idea that... carol, you and kay discussed this earlier? well... i find that hard to believe. kay, we may quarrel a lot, but i always thought our marriage was built on trust. -but, addison... -don't apologize. you can't help having those devious, tricky, shady traits. heredity is a tremendous force. i'm sorry, wilbur.

you were just doing something for a friend. i mean, that's commendable. see, when roger spoke to me this... oh, so you were talking to roger this morning? you see that look? her mother's got one just like it. well, at least we went behind your backs behind your backs. you went behind our backs right under our noses. carol, if you're gonna yell at me, the least you can do is keep your voice down. well, mr. open-minded, are you happy now? you've got my dearest friends arguing. all right. call your mother and tell her to come. i don't have to call her. her train's due in at 2:00. well, ed, it's all settled. kay's mother is coming, and we can finally get in some fishing at green valley. good. the worms were getting restless. wilbur, you're not leaving before my mother-in-law arrives. i kept my promise. i did what i could. but i need your moral support.

she can turn "good morning" into an argument. well, all right, rog. but, you know, possibly it could be your fault, too. my fault? did you ever try to look at her side of it? you know, most men don't understand how a mother-in-law feels. think of it. she raises a daughter from an infant, makes tremendous sacrifices for her, does without things so the daughter can have everything, watches her grow from childhood to girlhood to radiant womanhood, and then, then when she's ready to enjoy the companionship she so richly deserves for her loving care, some man comes along, takes her daughter away. is it asking too much of a son-in-law to allow this loving woman to visit her own daughter? wilbur, you're right. i'm a beast. oh, it's not too late, roger.

buy her candy, flowers. make her feel welcome. after all, you and kay are the only happiness she has. i'll do it, wilbur. i'll buy a big bouquet. $5.00 worth. (mister ed sniveling) oh, ed. ed, i didn't know my speech would affect you like that. (sniffling) it's not that, wilbur. it looks like we'll never go camping. wilbur. here they come, rog. -hello, wilbur. -kay. welcome home, mother. thank you, dear. thank you. mother, this is carol's husband wilbur. he's addison's best friend.

your mother. well, you must be kidding. if she looked any younger, why, she'd be twirling a baton. roger's best friend? how do you do? oh. oh, addison, mother's here. mother, darling. welcome. hello, roger. mother, i bought this candy just for you. candy? you know i'm on a diet. oh, and it shows, mother. it shows. you look simply wonderful. you're looking well, roger. i'm a little surprised, though. you still have some hair left. isn't it amazing? would you believe it at one time, this man had as much hair as you have? well, you know what they say. a high forehead is a sign of intelligence, and each time he combs his hair, roger gets a little bit smarter.

oh, what lovely gladiolas. the most beautiful gladiolas i've ever seen. they're simply darling gladiolas. they are not gladiolas. they're snapdragons. simply darling snapdragons. they're gladiolas, mother, dear. so they are. i'm sorry, roger. but they are snapdragons. -gladiolas. -snapdragons. horticulture is a hobby of mine. those are gladiolas. oh, rog, you old devil, i bet you crossed a snapdragon with a gladiola and you got yourself a bunch of snappyolas, or golddragons here. oh, well, let him have his way. he's... (sneeze) (together) gesundheit. but they're snapdragons. well, i'm sure you'd know more about dragons... um, flowers than i would. doll, why don't you go to the car and bring in mother's bags? (sneeze) (together) gesundheit. please, get rid of those flowers. why, this is so funny.

gladiolas. doll! maybe you're allergic to those gl... whatever they are. my dear, i am not allergic to any flowers. addison, what did you spray on these flowers to make mother sneeze? i think i'll go bring in the bags. admit it, you put something on those flowers. the insecticide i used distinctly said "destroys pests, harmless to human beings." your mother will have to decide which category she comes under. (sneeze) gesundheit. gesundheit. can i get you something? yes. another son-in-law. he never did like me. oh, but he does. why, roger talks about you all the time. well, please don't tell me what he says. (sneeze) gesundheit. gesundheit, mother, dear. gesundheit.

look at all those bags. this isn't a visit. it's an n vasion. -gesund... -(sneeze) ...heit. come on, mother. we'll make you comfortable. okay, dear. kay, i'm worried about your mother. maybe we ought to call a doctor. oh, dear. i'm fine. i'm perfectly all right. don't worry about me. oh, come on, mother. all right, dear. -you go ahead, carol, will you? -okay. oh, i do hope you enjoy your visit with them. mother: oh, i'm sure i will. candy. flowers.

i'll take you camping tomorrow. you broke your promise. i had to help roger out. wilbur, never mention that name in my house again.

wouldn't you help him out? i have no friends. i found that out today, stranger. well, all right. but even when strangers talk, at least it's face to face. oops! wilbur, may i use your phone? i'd rather my mother-in-law didn't hear my conversation. sure. how long is she gonna stay? well, the last time she visited us, she stayed through the holidays. the holidays? well, that's not too bad. she arrived on new year's and left on christmas. help yourself. may i speak with the doctor, please? this is roger addison.

come back from the laboratory yet? roger, her sneeze is definitely caused by an allergy. does she do much horseback riding? no. although she does look a little like teddy roosevelt. why do you ask? because the test shows she's allergic to horse hair. -horse hair? -yes. there must be horses in the immediate vicinity. i see. well, then, doctor, as long as there is a horse around, my dear mother-in-law will suffer from this allergy? that's right. so my advice to you would be to take whatever steps are necessary to get rid of the animal. that's precisely what i intend to do to her. thank you, doctor. well, well, who would ever think that i would be glad to have you around, you silly-looking, good-for-nothing, lazy bag of bones. come to my arms. hoo, hoo! oh, boy. that hypocrite, using me to get rid of his mother-in-law.

mother, dear. oh, yes, roger. i'm ready to drive you to the plane. too bad about your allergy to the climate. but i'm sure you'll feel better when you get home. but, doll, mother isn't leaving. mother isn't what? it's like a miracle. she suddenly stopped sneezing, so... yes. she's decided to stay on. how nice. i must tell the posts the good news. where's your horse? where? where? what's the matter, rog? your horse is missing, and you don't even care. what are you? some kind of a monster?

he must be around someplace. he doesn't know where his horse is. roger, calm down. tell me all about it. if it was my horse, i'd know where he was. ed? ed. "to whom it may concern, and that means you, wilbur. "i'm tired of broken promises "and man's inhumanity to mothers-in-law. "don't bother looking for me because i won't be there. "signed, a former friend." "p.s. but if you decide to come looking for me, "i am at green valley all alone. "hurry." wilbur simply must find mister ed. why, roger, i didn't know you felt that way about mister ed. sometimes we don't appreciate things until they're gone and we need them.

kay: carol? oh, hi, kay. -oh, hi. -hello, mrs. mccarthy. i'm going to drive mother through beverly hills. would you like to come along? -oh, i'd love to. -good. what's the matter with you, doll? wilbur's horse has disappeared. horse? well, roger, i didn't think you cared so much about animals. i love mister ed. i've always loved him. where is that dear horse? wilbur, have you found him? no. but i think i know where he might be. and i'm gonna go get him. i'll go and help you look. and mother will come along and help us, too. mother is very fond of animals, especially horses. i am? -well, of course you are. -roger. well, i'd be glad to go if you think you need me. roger, we don't need your mother. believe me, wilbur, we need mother more than you know. come, mother, dear. ed: ahhh. nothing like carrots roasting over an open fire.

to think we had all this before people came along and spoiled it. uh-oh! okay. this is one of the places i used to bring ed. he must be around here somewhere. i hope you're right. now what in the world... (sneeze) you're right. roger, why in the world did you bring me to a place like this? well, mother, i know you're fond of horses. which direction we should start looking. well, we... now, roger, why are... (sneezing) that's the direction. they're using her for a geiger counter.

something's gone wrong. mother, would you mind taking a deep breath? we've lost the direction. look, i was a boy scout. but this is a new way to pick up a trail. roger, why don't you and mother continue on that way? and i'll go this way. good. come on, mother. ed? oh, ed? ed?

ed, are you hiding? yeah. i'm hiding from addison. i always hated old brush-face, but now at last i found a reason for it. but, ed, addison likes you. oh, you should have seen how upset he was when he found you were missing. sure. because his mother-in-law is allergic to me. what? when i'm around, she sneezes. and if she sneezes, she'll go home. allergic to you. well, i find that hard to believe. you just watch. let me move over where the wind's in her direction. (mother sneezes) see? you're right. so that's it, huh? yeah. roger addison is two-faced. and i wouldn't trust either one of them. (sneeze)

roger, roger, oh, roger, roger, are you all right? wilbur, wilbur, come quickly. roger's been hurt. oh, roger, roger. oh, my ankle. roger, let me help you. oh. he's hurt his ankle. we'll have to try and carry him to the car. it's too far to do it alone. i better get ed to help. ed? oh, wait, wait, wait, wait. wait a minute, wilbur. you'd better not call the horse. mother, i might as well confess. the horse is the cause of your allergy. well, i don't care. i don't care about my allergy. all i want to do is to get you safely home. mother, dear, you're really worried about me. i am. i really am, roger. when you hurt yourself, i suddenly realized how much you mean to kay and to me. mother, dear. roger. what can i do to make this up to you? it's simple.

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see car insurance in a whole new light. liberty mutual insurance. hehere the buffalo roam and the deer and... why did you stop? i was thinking about roger and his mother-in-law when i drove them home. they were acting like a couple of real pals. say, wilbur, what would you do if you were allergic to me? oh, boy, i'd take shots, anything rather than have to give you up. yeah, you're true blue, buddy-boy. ed, what would you do if you were allergic to me? well, if i were allergic to you, i'd, i'd... (sneeze) -cut it out. -(ed laughing) why, look at those trout. lovely, huh? yeah. got any butter? that looks good. (both, in harmony) oh, give me a home

o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o. i'm mister ed. a horse is a horse, of course, of course and no one can talk to a horse, of course that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous mister ed whoa, wilbur. whoa? i'm supposed to say whoa. why are we stopping? i'm looking around for my girlfriend, princess. princess, huh? yeah. that pretty little filly with a pony tail. oh, so that's it. the only reason you came out here is to flirt with the fillies, uh? a horse does not live by hay alone. you may be a horse, but i think you're part wolf. hey, wilbur, here she comes. oh-ho-ho, isn't my princess gorgeous? yeah, all 970 pounds of her. hello, wilbur. hi, fred. great day for riding, huh?