o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o. i'm mister ed. a horse is a horse, of course, of course and no one can talk to a horse, of course that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous mister ed whoa, wilbur. whoa? i'm supposed to say whoa. why are we stopping? i'm looking around for my girlfriend, princess. princess, huh? yeah. that pretty little filly with a pony tail. oh, so that's it. the only reason you came out here is to flirt with the fillies, uh? a horse does not live by hay alone. you may be a horse, but i think you're part wolf. hey, wilbur, here she comes. oh-ho-ho, isn't my princess gorgeous? yeah, all 970 pounds of her. hello, wilbur. hi, fred. great day for riding, huh?

i wish they hadn't built the golf course so close to the bridle path. [neighing] yes. uh, look, why don't we go over and have a hot dog, huh? good idea. just tie your horse up over there. good luck, ed. i said, let's go, fred, huh? right over here. [neighing] [kissing] [neighs] ed, i really didn't want a hot dog, but i thought i'd give you a chance to make a little time with princess. believe me, buddy boy,

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it's time to call hearusa and get a complete hearing checkup -absolutely free. and, aarp members receive expert advice and can purchase digital hearing aids as low as $795 each. i sure wish i hadn't waited so long. i hear so clearly now. i'm back to myself again. if you call hearusa now you'll even get a risk-free 90-day trial,backed by a 100% satisfaction guarantee. don't wait another minute call this toll-free number and start improving your hearing and your life today. [groaning] right in the labonza! these golfers! [clearing throat] now where were we, honey? oh, yes, i remember. [neighing]

a hole in one! i made a hole in one! what are you talking about, a hole in one? well, i saw your ball hook over that fence. that doesn't matter. this is my ball and it was in the hole. addison, you've lost the match. you owe me $20. what? this is ridiculous. why, i--i saw your ball-- a hole... i know what happened. one of those darned horseback riders thought they were smart again and threw that ball over here. pay me the $20. [stutters] i'm going to get rid of that bridle path if it's the last thing i ever do. "and therefore, as one of the citizens of this community, "who wishes to see the park facilities used to best advantage, i urge that the seldom-used bridle path be eliminated." [mumbling] "this would enable us to enlarge the golf course,

"we want in this community. sincerely, roger addison." but roger knows that wilbur uses that bridle path. how could he be so vindictive? hmm. you should have seen him yesterday when he came home after losing the $20. (wilbur) honey, is breakfast ready? uh-oh, i don't want to be here when wilbur reads this paper. he's not going to see it. i wonder what's in that paper? honey. (carol) yes, dear? i can't find the morning paper. have you seen it? i'll fix your eggs, darling. carol, why were you running? uh, you like 4-minute eggs. so?

i--i thought if i put them in earlier, they'd only take 3 minutes. that didn't make sense, did it? no, but when anybody looks as beautiful as you in the morning, who cares, huh? oh. sweetie, where is the morning paper? uh, maybe it didn't come. well, i can't eat my breakfast without reading a paper. i'll go out and buy one. honey, you'll get the paper tomorrow. the only difference between tomorrow's newspaper and today's newspaper is the news. sweetheart, have you been wearing your curlers too tight? i'll be right back. [chuckles] "sincerely, roger addison." oh, so roger wants to get rid of the bridle path. wilbur better know about this. carol, every time i go to get up, you push me down. why? uh, i'm timing your eggs that way. [phone ringing] honey, that is the phone.

what a sweet wife i've got. [phone ringing] sometimes i wish i understood her. hello. hi, this is ed. hold onto your hat. i want to read you something that addison put in today's paper. [clearing throat] "dear mister editor, "i've resided in this community for 21 years, and..." [ed continues reading] that addision can't think of anything but golf. (kay) addison. yes? addison. writing a letter like that when wilbur is our next-door neighbor, and carol is my dearest friend. what have you got against bridle paths, anyway? are you referring to the bridal path we walked down together? oh, you are a sweet doll. but you know i'm talking about horses.

the same thing i've against you at the moment, my dear. you're interrupting my golf game. addison, you never should've written that letter. pardon me, madam, i'm playing through. roger, i think you're a heel to do what you did! agreed. pardon me, sir, i'm playing through. do you realize what you've did? you--you--you've done? only a person like you would've--would've did, done, such a thing. the only reason he done-- did, is because he lost $20 at golf yesterday. my dear, it is not the $20. then what is it? uh... that's a pretty difficult question to answer, isn't it? it certainly is. look, roger, if it's only $20, i will give it to you. will you please write a letter of retraction? that's a difficult question to answer, too. $20? no. (roger) no. i am doing this for progress! the bridle path is outmoded, and we need a larger golf course. i want the people to think of me as a good citizen.

wilbur, you shouldn't have said that. i'm sorry. i would've said it. now if you two have finished this scathing and illiterate denunciation, i have one final thing to add. (both) what? move aside, you're in my line. you and your 4-syllable words! well, i can write a fancy letter to the paper, too! and when they publish it, it'll undid everything you've just-- do. it'll... well, you just read my letter! wait till the editor reads this letter. wilbur, if that bridle path goes, my love life goes with it. "dear sir," fine so far. "this is a rebuttal to mr. roger addison's attempt to deprive the people of our community their bridle path." good, good, good. "it's true that very few people use the bridle path, and i'll readily concede that even most of those are not from our community." uh-oh. "but it wouldn't matter if there were only one horse owner.

"and no matter how much it costs to keep up the bridle path, that one single citizen must still be considered." wilbur, you just lost the bridle path. and i lost princess. ed, let's not get into an argument. this letter makes sense. as thomas jefferson once said, "the right of one individual is as important as an entire community." and general custer said, "i think we just lost our scalps." i gotta get that letter. what it needs is some horse sense. [typewriter clacking] "...and in conclusion,

"can we not set aside a few feet on earth, "for nan's noble friend, the horse? with deepest conviction, wilbur post." wilbur, you sound as though you're reading that for the first time. "a few feet on earth for man's noble friend, the horse." gee, ed's clever. (both) ed? uh, ed is short for editor. you see, the editor is clever. i mean, he wrote this and didn't change a word. wilbur. roger, if you're going to hit me, please use a wood, not an iron. that letter in the paper, i read it. and you are so right. i didn't realize how unjust it was, how palpably unfair. rog',

oh, wilbur, i'm so proud of you. now nobody would even think of removing that bridle path. even i feel differently about horses now. oh, i'm so proud of my big doll. honey, why don't you go to the barn and give mister ed his breakfast? oh, yes, the poor thing must be starving. yeah, i think he deserves special attention after his letter. uh, well, you see, i consider it part his. if i hadn't been so close to him, i never could have written it. "a horse asks so little out of life, a few blades of grass, some oats..." [sniffles] oh, dear, i do have talent. i've got to admit, your letter is better than mine. i'm glad you're not angry. i am angry. angry i can't write as well as you. don't feel badly. you're probably a better architect than me. oh, thanks, ed. [phone ringing] i'll get it. no, i'll get it. oh, let me. stay where you are. [mumbling]

mr. post? oh, i read your letter this morning in the valley news. it's masterfully written. well, thank you. i... i did the best i could. how would you like to write a book on animals for one of our spring publications? me? oh, no, no, no. i--i couldn't write a book. mr. post, your letter made me cry. well, i--i guess my letter made a lot of people cry. [clearing throat] his letter. my--my letter. mr. boyd, what i'm trying to say is, i'm an architect, not a writer. i'm prepared to offer you $2,500 advance. $2,500? say, that--that is a lot of money, isn't it? but i--i'm sorry. i told you, i'm an architect, not a writer. i recognize talent. now just take the same brain that wrote that letter and apply to writing a book. well, yes. i--i guess, i--i could carry on with my architecture while my brain was writing a book.

fine. and as customary, we'll have a cocktail party to introduce you to the literary world. uh, a cocktail party, eh? it's quiteten honor. yes, thank you. thank you very much, mr. boyd. goodbye. ed, we are rich. ed, how long would it take you to write a book? come again? you're going to write a book just like you wrote the letter. then we'll be able to-- whoa, whoa, boy. i wrote that letter to make sure i'd have a place to meet princess. now wait a minute, ed. you got me into this. if it hadn't been for you, none of this would've happened. now you're going to write that book, or i don't take you to the bridle path to see princess. do you really mean that? i really mean that.

i really want to show you something. karen o.: 1, 2, ready, go l-o-v-e

all is love is love ow! ooh ooh... [howling]

drinks? yes.

(carol) is everything all right? oh, yes. thank you. good, enjoy yourself. well, it's certainly taking wilbur a long time to get dressed. oh, he's so excited. he's as nervous as a little boy. perhaps i'd better go upstairs and help him on with his sneakers. i'm sure he'll be right-- i've heard a great deal about... good evening, everybody. ooh. ah, i just want to set the world on fire, not my coat. oh, he is witty. wilbur, this is miss meed, literary critic for the author's review. how do you do, miss meed? how do you do, mr. post? i read your letter in the newspaper, and i must say, you're simply absolument merveilleux! well, touche. oh, mr. post, i hope you don't mind the photographers, but the newspapers are all clamoring for a picture of you. oh, my typewriter and i thank you.

absolument merveilleux. uh, right over here. excuse me. of course. all right, charlie. all set. [clearing throat] thank you. i want you to meet a very important critic right over here. miss williams, may i present our distinguished author, mr. post. how do you do? uh, no, no, no. oh! mr. post, how does it feel to be writing your first book? well, at--at first i--i felt a bit uncertain. but then so did mark twain. touche. [all laughing] carol, do you think wilbur's becoming a little conceited? no. he's just sort of nervous. if he gets any more nervous, he's going to kiss himself. mrs. post, i think your husband is a marvelous talent, and when his book is a success, i believe it's going to change his entire way of life.

well, we may travel a little bit, perhaps move to a better neighborhood. i see nothing wrong with this neighborhood. neither would i, if i were living next door to a famous author. oh, rog', i didn't mean -- mrs. post, do you mind very much, i want--i want your husband to meet someone from the foreign press. please? thank you. may i introduce you to miss--miss barr. how do you do, mr. post? tell me, does writing come easily to you? well, very easy. yes, yes. (wilbur) subconsciously, i'm creating all the time. you might say, right now my mind is at work. "dedicated to princess, "without whose love and understanding "this book would never have been possible. how excruciatingly funny, mr. post. tres naturel. [all laughing] mmm. does he have a snuff box, too? wilbur doesn't even know i'm here.

she'll be on both sides of him. you know, carol, if i were you, i'd break that up. i'd love to, but how? here. take this napkin and put it under his drink. at least he'll see you. all right. [wilbur laughing] excuse me. autograph? certainly, young lady. uh, sincerely, wilbur post. there you are. actually, my style is more reminiscent of f. scott fitzgerald. "so, whatever my book will teach you about horses is coming to you directly from the horse's mouth." no, no. that's pretty corny. i can do better than that. look, since i'm only starting, i don't expect to win the pulitzer prize for at least 4 or 5 years. [lighters clicking] no, she--she won. she won.

excuse me, i'm going home to be sick. wilbur, one of your guests is leaving. oh? (wilbur) oh, it's just rog'. [laughs] [wilbur laughing] [women laughing] i know another one of his guests who is leaving. who? me! [sobbing] oh. oh, kay, that's not the wilbur post i married. why, he's spoiled and conceited. if he keeps on acting like this, it will wreck our marriage. oh, please don't cry. i just can't bear to see you like this, carol. come on over to my house, and we'll have a cup of coffee. you'll feel better. come on. (carol) what would i do without you?

good morning, edward. hmm, quite a party last night, wasn't it? the nice thing was that everybody had a chance to meet me. by the way, when my book comes out, i'll autograph a copy for you. [yawning] thanks a bunch. hey, wilbur. yes, edward? i finished the first chapter. you'd better read it. good. my first chapter. uh-huh. "if horses could talk and man would listen, "the world would be one large, happy stable. one of our cherished blessings is humility." i like that, ed. continue. "a horse would never let success go to his mane." wonderful. (ed) continue. "there is nothing worse than a self-centered horse "who ignores the love of his wife and neighbors,

and has a moustache." that's roger. "fame, when abused, can turn a sweet, lovable architect "into an overbearing, "self-centered, "conceited fool, and ruin a happy marriage." [sniffling] ed, i think i got the message.

oh, cheer up, carol, and try to have some breakfast. i'm not even hungry. that wilbur, if he were smaller, i'd punch him right in the nose. good morning, everybody. ah. aren't you glad that awful party is all over, and we don't have to be nice to those pretentious phonies anymore?

you know, they all thought i was taking myself seriously. when all that time i was just... just... just a big, darn fool. i hope you'll all forgive me. welcome home, neighbor. nice to have you back, wilbur. oh, wilbur! there we are. see how this sounds, ed. [clearing throat] "dear mr. boyd, "enclosed please find your check for $2,500. "i am unable, at this time, to write a book. my architectural work keeps me too busy. yours truly." what are you doing? you'd better let me write that letter for you. why? it needs style. i want him to think my wilbur is a genius. ok, ed. you know, if you'd been my roommate at college, i would have made phi beta kappa. [laughing] me in college, well!

robert young and jane wyatt with elinore donahue, billy gray and lauren chapin in father knows best. - and wouldn't you know it, i was the first one he called on to recite. well, i didn't even know the chemical formula, let alone- - excuse me, diane, but you're supposed to be- - oh, hi george, sit down, sweetie. - so anyway- - how are ya, betty? - fine. - i got up and stood there like a goon! - diane. - well, i felt i had to say something, so i started to recite the gettysburg address. well, everyone screamed. - diane. - but professor hart didn't bat an eye. he just let me go right on and finish it,