it's a magnificent instrument. in fact, it's the finest camera i've ever owned. it looks pretty complicated. how do you trip the shutter? oh, well, this little button-- hey, dad, when you were in the navy-- dennis, you're interrupting. it's this one right here, mitchell. this right here? that's right. what's it for? well, dennis, you just push that when you-- oh! great scott. dennis, for pete's sake. jeepers, he told me to. i was only trying to explain-- oh, never mind. just lead me home, mitchell. it'll pass in a minute, mr. wilson. i don't why i come over here because every time i do something happens to me. jeepers, i'm sorry, mr. wilson. dennis, what did you want?

i'll guess. king kong? heck, no. i've got that dumb old johnny brady. oh. well, you tell johnny to say hello to his dad for me, will you? okay. hey, dad, when you were in the navy, were you an admiral? no. no. a captain? a lieutenant? no, i was just an ordinary seaman. oh. jeepers, did they ever let you steer the boat? oh, many times. boy, and with all that bragging dumb old johnny was doing about his father, well, that's not gonna help much. his father was a pilot in a jet. henry: i'm sorry. well, jeepers. i'll just tell him that they used to let you steer the boat. he'll probably laugh me right out of my own bedroom. so the captain turned the boat to the left and he saw another submarine. and the captain turned the boat to the right and he saw another submarine.

and he saw two more submarines. and then the captain turned to the admiral and he said, i think i'm gonna be sick to my stomach. yeah. what happened then? well, then the admiral said, there's only one thing in the whole world that could save this battleship: good old henry mitchell. they should have sent for my dad. he'd have gotten them out of it. they didn't need your dad. so you know what my dad did. he dived. zoom. in a battleship? sure. that's why everything worked so good. 'cause nobody expected it. by the time those dumb old submarines had found out what happened, dad was in the president's private office getting his hand shook. my dad's got medals. he got 'em for shooting down-- i know it. 14 migs in korea. you know what the trouble is with you, johnny? you want me to tell you what the trouble is with you? you're always bragging.

i told johnny to go home because i had a lot of work to do. you mean like picking up your toys off the back porch the way i asked you to? jeepers, mom i'm trying to talk to you. you've known dad for a long time, haven't you? yes, quite a few years. and you've seen him to be a hero plenty of times, then, huh, mom? well he's always been a hero to me. like what? did he ever rescue you from drowning? well, no. from a burning building? no, dennis. boy, dad sure has been wasting his life, hasn't he? he most certainly has not. your father's life is very successful. what's this? i'll tell you later, dear. boy, after mowing that lawn, my legs are sure tired. that's 'cause they're so skinny. hey, you beat mr. brady there, huh, dad? boy, you got the skinniest legs in the whole world. that's enough, dennis. what time is dinner, honey? oh, about an hour. why don't you read the paper, dear? run out and see if it's come yet, will you, son?

what was going on in here when i came in? dennis wanted to know if you'd ever rescued anybody. poor dennis. he's finding out his dad's a pretty ordinary guy. there's nothing ordinary about you. well, it's pretty hard to be a hero these days. no dragons to slay. no fair damsels in distress. not even a castle to lay siege to. hey, dad, johnny's dad's picture's on the front page. what does it say? "charles brady, prominent local engineer "was acclaimed a hero this afternoon "when he rescued a small child from the path of a speeding car." for heaven's sake. boy, dad, you just gotta stop sitting around the house so much. all right, dennis. that's enough. let's see what else it says here. "a two-year-old wandered onto main street. "charlie saw him, came to a stop, pulled out of the traffic." how do you like that? i don't like it. that's enough, dennis. it was a wonderful thing for charlie to do.

it says the child's mother kissed him on the cheek as she smiled through tears of gratitude. you know, i've never even seen a child that had to be rescued. hey, dad, you want me to get my head stuck in a banister? you'll do no such thing. i should say not. okay. i just wanted to give you a chance to rescue me and be a hero. well, you can just forget any such ideas. okay. you know, everything charlie does seems to bring him attention. not that he doesn't deserve it, but... you remember the collections for the red cross? all the pictures in the newspaper, interviews. and you did just as much work and collected more money. you want me to sit on your lap, dad? even with my boney knees?

hi, mr. krinkie.

you were too young for a paper route. i didn't come in for a paper route. is that what you thought, mr. krinkie? well, you've been asking for one for months, so that's kind of what i thought. heck, no. i came in to tell you about a hero so you can put a story in the paper. i can always use a story about a hero. who is he? do you know my dad? nope. i never met him. well, it's about him. boy, was he a hero. you see, these was a captain of this battleship and he looked to the left, and he looked to the right. i'm afraid world war stories are a little old, dennis. okay. there was another time when he was a hero. you know how in the circus they call lions and tigers cats, mr. krinkie? yes. well, there was this great big fierce cat up in a tree. boy, was he making a lot of noise. everybody was afraid to go up and get him, so my dad--

oh, no, sir. he was my grandpa's cat. i'm afraid rescuing a cat from a tree isn't quite strong enough, dennis. then how about just putting my dad's picture in the paper? here's one of him we took last summer in his swimsuit. he's a nice looking man, but i can't run a picture without a story to go with it. hey, you notice how skinny his legs are? maybe you could write something about that. i'm afraid your father's skinny legs aren't very newsworthy. sure they are. i bet they're the skinniest legs in the whole world. dennis, a newsworthy story is one that's important, exciting, or unusual. like what? well, in the newspaper business, we say that if a dog bites a man, it's not news because it happens every day of the week. but if a man bites a dog, then you've got something newsworthy. my dad loves dogs. he'd never do it. i'm not suggesting anybody bite a dog. i simply wanted to point out

oh. not legs, though? nope. not legs. but if you do bring in a picture we can use, i'll pay you $5.00 for it. $5.00? wow! does that mean you're making me a reporter? yeah, you might call it that. but you only get paid when you bring in a picture we can use. okay, mr. krinkie. and i know right where i can borrow a camera. bye. well, martha, do you want to come out and watch me photograph the hydrangea? or do you wanna stay in and tend to your knitting? oh, george. you're just the same fun loving boy you were 30 years ago. well, today that's the way i feel. o, sir, nothing could bother me on a day like this. [doorbell rings] hi, mr. wilson. right away i'm wrong.

i came over to borrow mr. wilson's camera so i can take a picture of my dad. over my dead-- george. don't you think his camera is a little too complicated for you? i'm sure i don't understand it. well, maybe mr. wilson could teach me. over my-- george. i'll tell you what, dear. why don't i lend you my old box camera? martha, he'll ruin it. no, i won't. my grandpa's got one of those, and he showed me how to run it. it's right here in the desk. i tell you, martha, he'll ruin it. how can you hurt a box camera? i don't know, but he'll find a way. what of it? the camera's 25 years old. i'll be real careful with it, mrs. wilson. i know you will. there are four pictures left on the roll, and when you've taken them, i'll have them developed for you. gee, thanks, mrs. wilson. bye, mr. wilson.

are his feelings hurt 'cause i didn't ask to take his picture? maybe that's it. hey, mr. wilson, you want me to take your picture? no, i don't. are your feelings hurt? no, they're not. you wanna come out and play after? no! are you gonna-- dennis, i think you'd better run along. okay, mrs. wilson. and thanks. good-bye, dennis. bye, mrs. wilson. dad! dad! dad! hi, son. where'd you get the camera? mrs. wilson loaned it to me so i can take your picture. okay, shoot. jeepers, not here, dad. we gotta go someplace where you can rescue somebody, like down to the railroad track. if you wanna take my picture, you're gonna have to do it right here. 'cause when i get through polishing these shoes, i'm gonna take a snooze in the hammock.

in the paper that way. mr. krinkie says it has to be newsworthy. who's mr. krinkie? he runs the neighborhood paper that comes out every saturday. that's tomorrow, and i gotta get your picture in it. you mean to tell me you've even been to the newspapers? sure. it comes out tomorrow, and i gotta get your picture in it. dennis, i wish you'd cut it out. this is the first time i've been able to take two or three days off in over a year, and i'm not gonna waste the time trying to find some way to become a hero. but dad-- dennis, that's enough. men don't control fate. if fate wants to make me a hero, it can do it just as easily while i'm taking a nap in the hammock. yeah, dad. i guess you're right.

hi, tommy. boy, i'm so mad i think my head is gonna pop. what's the matter? coming over here, i saw that dumb old johnny brady. you know what he's saying now? he's saying the reason his dad could grab that little kid out of the street is because he was an all american football player. boy, he's always bragging. i'm gonna fix him with this. what are you gonna do with it? i'm gonna take a picture of my dad being a hero, but you've gotta help me. okay. how? by letting me borrow the bear skin rug from your living room. how are they now, dear? they're better, i think. i'll rinse this out again in ice water. all right. are you angry with me? oh, why, never at you, martha.

well, i try to be. it's just that my nerves are shot. every time dennis comes over here-- now, lie back and relax. you're going to have a nice peaceful day. all right. oh, martha? yes, george? on your way back from the kitchen, bring me a cookie. yes, george. no wonder bears sleep all winter. they gotta rest up from carrying their skin around. you're too little to make it look real, anyway. yeah, that's why i'm gonna ask mr. wilson to wear it. maybe we can both get in it. if we both get in it, who's gonna take the picture? [doorbell rings] now, who in the world's ringing our doorbell? [gasps] great scott!

martha, there's a bear out on our front porch. george wilson, you go back to that couch and lie down. the flashbulb affected your vision. i saw it, i tell you. it had long furry paws hanging from its side and blue trousers and black-- i guess my vision has been affected. [doorbell rings] hi, mr. and mrs. wilson. hi. dennis, tommy, what are you boys doing with that bear skin? do i look like a bear? of course not. well, don't just stand there. now you're talking, martha. come on in the living room and have a cookie. swell. okay if i leave the bear skin here in the hall? it's kind of heavy to eat cookies in. of course. what are you doing with that thing, anyway, dennis? i brought it over from tommy's house for you to wear. for me to wear? why, i wouldn't wear that on a bet.

i didn't say it did. then how come you lifted your nose at me? oh, great scott, martha. do something. dennis, why do you want him to wear it? 'cause if he wears it, he'll look like a bear. then i can take a picture of my dad being a hero and saving tommy from it. why, i'm surprised your father would be a party of such a thing. oh, his dad won't even know about it. dad's taking a snooze out on our patio. i figured we'd wake him up and surprise him and then he'd be a hero. why is it so important that he be a hero? 'cause johnny brady's dad is doing it all the time. he's even taking away some of my dad's accounts. dennis's dad's never been a hero even once. oh, he's a hero inside, except nobody knows it except me and mom. nobody gives him a chance. jeepers, if me and dad go to the beach, does anybody drown so he can save 'em? heck, no. they wait till we go home. but if johnny brady's dad goes to the beach,

well, george? are you going to help henry become a hero? why, martha, a man my age can't go running around in a bear skin making a fool of himself. george, i once knew a fun loving young man who would have done it. he would have done it in a minute. i'm still fun loving, but...i've matured. all right, george. if you won't do it, i will. you wouldn't. oh? come on, boys. martha, you're just bluffing. you'd never do it. oh? martha, i will not have you making a spectacle of yourself before the neighbors. come on, boys. martha, if you open that door, i--i--i-- oh, all right! i'll wear it. if anybody has to make a laughingstock of himself, i'd rather it be me.

he's asleep in the hammock. all right, dennis. come on. let's get this nonsense over with. you think he'll be scared? not my dad, boy. i'd hate to be any old bear when he gets started. well, now, wait a minute. let's think about this. if he looks like he's gonna beat you up, all you have to do is throw the bear skin off. oh, yes. of course. come on. tommy, you lie down on the ground right here. now, mr. wilson, you crouch over him. [sighs]

scrunch down some more. your stomach's hanging out. now you look like a swell bear. wait a minute. if i'm supposed to be an attacking bear, let's do it right. i should be chewing on tommy's foot. not in my mouth. the bear's mouth. that's it. now i'll go over on the other side so i can take the picture. tommy, when i get there, you start yelling help to wake up dad. okay. hi, folks. i'm matt mccoy. for people as experienced as you and me... [ tires screech ] ...careful driving just comes naturally. all that experience should be worth something. and it is...

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tommy: help! help!

it's mr. wilson! will somebody please tell me what's going on around here? sure, dad. i'll tell you. mom just ruined your chance to become a hero. here's the story of that sneak thief, mr. krinkie. stealing from a church. how low can a guy get? here's the snapshot of him. got it from his girlfriend. we'll run the story on the front page, and i've got just the caption for the picture: the most contemptible man of the year. if any guy deserves it, he does. i've got to run over to city hall for a minute. i want you to cover the press conference at the hotel. i'm on my way. we've got to let the public know what the candidates are saying. hi. hi. excuse me, mr. krinkie. can i talk to you? have to make it fast, dennis. i'm leaving in a minute.

what job? don't you remember? you gave me a job as a reporter. oh, yes. you were gonna try and get a picture of your father being a hero. did you get it? nope, and he told me if i ever tried it again, he'd give me a spanking. boy, i sure wanted his picture in the paper. you didn't get any picture at all, huh? all i got is this one i showed you. mm-hmm. why don't you leave this with me. what for? well, sometimes when news is light, we have a lot of extra space to fill, and if that happens i'll run this picture with a nice little story about how his son wanted his father to be a hero. would you like that? boy, i sure would. i'll see what i can do. boy, will my dad be excited when i tell him. herbie? herbie? picture and story on the sneak thief are ready for the composing room.

"the most contemptible man of the year." henry, have you seen dennis? he's outside waiting for the paper. despite anything i could say, he's positive mr. krinkie's gonna put my picture in this issue. oh, i hope he does, don't you? well...yeah. i guess so. be kind of nice, a little human interest story. well, it can't do any harm. it might even do some good. hey, dad, you're on the front page! that ought to make charlie brady sit up and take notice. now you'll be taking accounts away from him. "the most contemptible man of the year." you sure are, dad.

[music] and the boy who collects the most newspapers for the paper drive wins a wonderful prize. well, the boys don't need a prize for doing something for charity, mrs. holland. sure, we do. what's the prize? well, you boys may never have seen one of these before. i know one thing-- it's not a nickel. it's not even a quarter. that's a silver dollar, boys. my father gave me that when i was a little girl. it's very generous of you to offer it as the prize. if it's too old to buy sodas with,

oh, it'll buy sodas, all right. practically every youngster in the neighborhood is going to try to win it. johnny brady? mm-hmm. he started collecting papers yesterday. oh, i don't want johnny brady to beat me, so i'm gonna get my wagon and get going. i don't have a wagon. me and you can be partners. and after we win the prize, we'll split it. swell. it's a deal, tommy. george, i made you some soup for lunch and i want you to clean your plate. oh. well, thank you, sis. i haven't had service like this since martha went to visit her mother. i know and you were getting absolutely peaked. now, you eat it up before it gets cold. oh, great scott, soup is scalding. well, that's the way soup should be served-- piping hot. it's a wonder i didn't melt the spoon.

it's so hot, i couldn't tell what kind it is. it's parsnip soup. oh no. mm-hmm. mother's old recipe. she always said it was good for you. yes, i know, twice a week for 20 years. i hate parsnip soup. mother knew what was best for you. it's full of vitamins, it'll make you strong. oh, i don't believe it. [doorbell ringing] oh, i'll get it. you eat your soup. [music] that poor little plant. hi, ms. wilson. is mr. wilson home? well, yes, boys. george, a couple of your little friends are here to see you. oh, dennis. tell him i'm about to take a nap, sis. you just had a nap. tell him i'm going to work on my coin collection. we'll just take a minute. parsnip soup and now dennis. hi, mr. wilson. hi.

well, i finished it, june. would you like another bowl? yes, in about five years. now, what do you boys want? we want all your old newspapers for the paper drive. well, you're too late. i have already given them to johnny brady. johnny brady. jeepers, we're in a contest for a dollar prize. well, i'm sorry but you're too late. the early bird catches the worm, you know? oh, we don't want any worms, just papers. you see why he drives me nuts, sis? you see? now, george, he's only a little boy. besides, i think there are some papers down in the basement over by your workbench. oh, not enough to bother going down for. i'll get it, mr. wilson. and while we're down there, tommy, i'll show you mr. wilson's new fishing rod. oh, no. i'll get the papers. i'll get them. would you boys like a cookie? sure. swell. good. just a minute

boy, she sure is a nice lady. she sure is. i wonder what kind of cookies we're gonna get? i hope it's chocolate. me too. boy, look at this dennis. it sure is a skinny looking thing. yeah. you know what my mom does when her plant is like that? she puts it by the window. well, let's do it for him then. okay. we'll put it on the television set. [music] what do we do with this one? put it where we got this one. here you are, boys. thank you, ms. wilson. yeah, thanks. here, take them and run along and good luck. where did you get the cookies? from ms. wilson. did you make them?

well, then, why didn't i get any? i'm starving. after all that soup? oh, well, especially after all that soup. all those vitamins give a man an appetite. all right, george. i'll get you some in just a minute. you come on, boys, i'll show you to the door. thanks for all your old newspapers, mr. wilson. and if we win the dollar, we'll buy a soda too. fine. you do that. bye, ms. wilson. bye. bye, mr. wilson. goodbye. goodbye. [music] oh, great scott. why that soup does have vitamins in it. hurry up, sis. i'm coming, george. why, this is the most fantastic thing i've ever seen in my life. i'll get your cookies right away, george. oh, forget the cookies.

[music]

hi, ms. wilson. oh, good morning, dennis. what are you doing up so early? i brought mr. wilson's morning paper so he wouldn't have to walk out in the lawn and get his feet wet. it's very thoughtful of you, dennis, but i don't know whether mr. wilson is awake yet. i'll go up and find out for you. oh, oh, but don't you awaken him if he's still asleep. heck, no. mr. wilson is my best friend. i wouldn't do that.

jeepers. great scott, what was that? good morning, mr. wilson. huh? oh, dennis. what are you doing here? i brought your morning paper so you could start reading it right away.

would you like to start with the funnies? i'm not ready for the morning paper, yet. why, i haven't even washed. you don't look dirty to me. well, i am. i mean, i always wash before breakfast. that's funny, i always wash after breakfast. that way, i get all the jelly and crumbs off my face. you ought to try that sometime, mr. wilson. i have had the same washing habits for 50 years, and i am not going to change now. are you mad, mr. wilson? yes, i'm mad. you woke me out of a sound sleep. now, as soon as i've had my breakfast, i'm going over to speak to your parents. you should be punished. i hope they make you to stay in your room all day. but jeepers, i have to be out collecting papers. well, that's just too bad. you should've thought of that before you started waking people up in the middle of the night. are you really coming over? yes, i'm really coming over. now, go on. home.

hey, don't you think we ought to hurry up and get out of here? dennis, what's your hurry? jeepers, we don't want to be late for church, do we? we've got plenty of time, dennis. and besides, we have to wait for mrs. holland. she is going to walk over to church with us. well, why don't we go over to her house and meet her there? because it's in the wrong direction. [doorbell ringing] whoops. i better go on and brush my hair. there is something funny going on with that boy. yes, when there's something funny going on with dennis, i seldom get a laugh out of it. why, hello, mrs. holland. come on in. good morning, alice. good morning, mrs. holland. good morning, dennis. boy, we got to hurry. we're almost late already. better put on your hat, mom. come on, dad. dennis, we have all the time in the world. come on in and sit down. thank you.

good morning, henry. good morning, mrs. holland. how about a cup of coffee? oh, thank you. i'd like some. good. i'll pour you one. boy, look at all those people going to church and they're all hurrying too. and i bet we're gonna be late and they'll all look at us and-- whoops. dennis, what's going on with you? nothing, mom. hey, mrs. holland, as long as we got all this time, why don't we go out the back way and i'll show you how much newspapers i collected in the garage. dennis, that can wait until after church. [doorbell ringing]

[music] oh, good morning, mr. wilson. there's nothing good about this morning, alice. i wanna speak to you and mitchell. well, come on in. is anything wrong? yes, there most certainly is. good morning, mr. wilson.

mitchell, i'd like to talk to you. do you know that that boy of yours was over at my house last night in the middle of the night? in the middle of the night? well, how did he get in? well, my sister let him in. she was downstairs fixing breakfast. in the middle of the night? yes, it was in the middle of the night. what did he want? well, he brought me the morning paper. in the middle of the night? let's not quibble. maybe it was close to dawn. the paper doesn't arrive until 6:15, mr. wilson. well, anyway, he woke me up and i like to sleep late on a sunday. well, we certainly do apologize, mr. wilson. well, i don't think that's enough. i think he should be disciplined. dennis, come down here. dennis: did i hear you calling me, dad? yes, you did. come in here, please. good morning, mr. wilson. did you come to go to church with us? dennis, did you wake mr. wilson up this morning?

it was that window shade. it went bang, didn't it, mr. wilson? yes, because you fooled with it. dennis, what were you doing over there in the first place? i went over to get mr. wilson's sunday paper before johnny brady did. oh, it was for the paper drive. well, i don't care what it was for. mr. wilson's right, dennis. you've been told many times not to bother the wilsons. now i'm just going to have to teach you a lesson. when we get home from church, you're to go straight to your room and not leave it for the rest of the day. good. but how will i collect papers? well, that's something you'll have to give up for the day. okay. i'm sorry i woke you up, mr. wilson. oh, the poor little boy. he's only trying to win this silver dollar that my father gave me when i was a little girl. i'm giving it as a prize to the child that collects most newspapers for the paper drive.

may i see that a moment, please? great scott. well, i think that's a very nice thing for you to do, mrs. holland. i mean, boys can always use spending money. well, if you'll excuse me, i must run. goodbye. goodbye, mr. wilson. goodbye, mr. wilson. well, that was an abrupt change of attitude. [music] oh, yes, here it is, sis, the 1895 silver dollar. it's worth--great scott-- up to $600. wonderful. oh, what an addition to my collection that would make. and it's in absolutely mint condition. but george, you can't enter that newspaper-collecting contest, that's for children. well, i don't intend to enter it, but i intend to see that dennis wins, and then i'm gonna trade him that brand new bicycle he's been wanting for that silver coin,

i don't know; it doesn't seem right to me somehow. now, how could i make sure that dennis wins? that's right, boys. i want you to all to stack your newspapers right here in my garage. there's more room in mine than yours, dennis. gee, that's swell, mr. wilson. come on, tommy, let's get started. oh, just a minute, i'm not through yet. did you have something else in mind, mr. wilson? yes. how much is the prize you boys are trying to win? it's a dollar. well, that only makes 50 cents for each of you, doesn't it? that'll buy a lot of root beer. yes, but i think you deserve more than that. you know what i'm going to do, boys? what? i'm going to give each of you a dollar right now; one for you, dennis; one for you, tommy. wow. jeepers. who are working on the paper drive and i'll give each of them a dollar too.

i think you boys will be sure to win the prize. jeepers, with your dollar and mrs. holland's dollar, we'll be rich. oh, didn't i explain that part to you? you see, because i'm letting you use my garage, you have to give the silver dollar to me. but of course, if you boys don't think that's fair, we'll gonna call the whole thing off. oh, that's fair, mr. wilson. yeah, that's more than fair. this way, none of us can lose. that's right, none of us. all right, boys, you get to work. boy, there goes a swell guy, tommy. he sure is. here's where i'm going to keep it, sis, right here; the honor place in my entire collection. i just don't approve of what you're doing at all. well, now, why not? you know how much dennis has been wanting a new bicycle. well, i'll even get tommy one too. what do those boys care about an old silver coin compared to two brand new bicycles?

aren't you forgetting that it's mrs. holland's coin worth up to $600, and here you are scheming to get it away from him? oh, fiddle-faddle. what mrs. holland doesn't know about the coin won't hurt her. [music] help me, tommy. well, boys, another batch of papers for the garage? yes, ms. wilson. i guess it's probably the last bunch. yeah. i think we got every newspaper in town. well, that's nice. if you win the contest, i'll bet you're gonna be glad to get those bicycles that mr. wilson is planning to buy for both of you. he is? brand new two-wheelers? wow. you know, it's strange he didn't say anything to you about the bikes. but i guess he wants to keep it as a surprise, so don't say anything to him about it, huh?

that even mr. wilson will be surprised. thanks a lot. tommy and me have to go now. bye. bye. bye, boys. [music] help, sis.

hey, dad, you better hurry up. mrs. holland will be there in just a minute to see if i win. okay. will mr. wilson be able to come outside and watch? heck, no.

on the count of his neck still stiff from being hit by that bundle of paper. all set. swell, let's go. well, sis, you're coming out to the garage? george, the doctor told you to stay in bed. oh, not a chance. with that coin at stake, i'd be out there if i had to carry my head under my arm. i never thought i'd live to see the day i'd be so ashamed of my own brother; tricking those boys out of that valuable coin. oh, june, stop talking like that. now, are you coming or not? all right, i'm coming. [music] wow. what--do you mean to tell me this is solid newspapers? sure. mr. wilson's car's down at the garage having the dents taken out of it. the boys did a pretty good job, don't you think, mrs. holland? why it's wonderful. they have more papers than any 10 of the other boys. so, do we win the dollar?

and it makes me most happy to present it to you. thank you very much. why, mr. wilson. well, you see, mrs. holland, the boys and i have a little arrangement. this silver dollar now belongs to me. that's right, mrs. holland. you know what good old mr. wilson did? he gave each of us a dollar so we'd collect lots of papers. that's why he gets the silver one. wasn't that swell of him? it certainly was. oh, that was very generous of you, mr. wilson. oh, it wasn't anything, really. oh, yes, it was, mr. wilson. i think we owe you a vote of thanks for allowing the boys to use your garage as a collection point. really, it was nothing. yes, it was, mr. wilson. you know what you are to me and the other kids? you're kind of a hero. oh, great scott. and when we grow up, we wanna be just like you. the boys' admiration of you is completely justified, mr. wilson. oh, well. but just let me tell you how your thoughtfulness

the orphans in this community. well, now, please-- without you and your support, we wouldn't have half the newspapers we now have. and when you stop to think that those newspapers represent food and shoes and clothing to all the orphans in this community. oh, now-- please, mrs. holland, i--well, i'd like to add something to the drive. after all you've done? well, yes. you see, i've been looking at this coin and i've discovered it's a rare issue of 1895, and it's worth about five-- it's worth $600, mrs. holland. what? are you sure? oh, yes. so, i'd like to add this to my coin collection if you'd let me donate a check for $600 to the orphans' benefit. jeepers. imagine mr. wilson doing that on top of giving tommy and me brand new two-wheeler bikes. oh, for heaven's sakes.

hip, hip, hooray. hip, hip, hooray. [music]

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- ward, i want you to go right up and talk to wally. - well couldn't it wail until after supper? i've had a hard day and i feel better being mean to my kids on a full stomach. - i didn't ask you to be mean to them. it's just that wally has a new job and i want you to talk him out of it. - now wait a minute, what kind of a new job am i supposed to talk him out of? - i'm not gonna tell you. i wanna see if it hits you the same way it hit me. - oh.

- hi. (laughter) - boy wally, are you really gonna get $10 a day? - that's right, and they're gonna take withholding out of it and everything. - what's withholding? - that's money they take out of your salary to run the government with. - gee, i didn't know they took money away from kids to run the government! - sure, even if you're a little baby and you have money, they'll come and take it away from you. (laughter) (knocking on door) - hi, fellas. - hi, dad. - did you bring 'em?' - bring what, beaver? - the flashlight batteries you said you'd bring. - beaver, i forgot 'em again, i'm sorry. i'll bring 'em tomorrow. - boy, it sure takes a lot of tomorrows to get those batteries. - yes, beaver. what's all this about a job? - yeah dad, i make $10 a day and free meals thrown in. - and he gets to wear a uniform and everything. - wait a minute, slow down here.

- oh, well, i'm gonna be a lifeguard. - a lifeguard? - yeah, yeah, on weekends up at the beach at friends lake. - gee dad, whatsa matter? you got that look on your face like you're gonna say "no." - i haven't said "no" yet. where did this job come from? - it came from two college guys goin' back to school. the guy that owns the lake called the coach at high school and he recommended three of the best swimmers. that was me and two seniors. - gee dad, it'd be real neat. we'd be the only family i know that has a lifeguard right in it. (laughter) - well, wally, i guess you could try it. you're a good swimmer, and it's certainly quite an honor to have the coach recommend you. - yeah, well, harry hebler's a better swimmer than i am, but he flunked all his subjects. they don't want a guy with "f's" savin' people. (laughter) - oh, well, alright, suppose you give it a try. we'll see how it works out.

- yeah, me too. especially with mom gettin' at him first. (laughter) - well, did you talk him out of it? - no. i think this job might be good for him. - but ward, wally a lifeguard? it's a lot of responsibility. - now dear, the coach wouldn't have recommended him for the job if he hadn't thought he could do it. there's just a few more weekends and then cold weather'll set in. look, there are a lot of things we have to refuse him. i just hate to turn him down on this. - well if you think so. but ward, i want you to talk to that man up at the lake and be sure he doesn't let wally do anything dangerous. - alright dear, alright. i'll tell him to just have wally save people in shallow water. (laughter) - now listen gilbert, don't you go callin' up all the guys and tellin' 'em about my brother's new job. he's my brother and i got dibs on braggin' him up. so long.

- hey wally, whatcha got there? - this is just my lifeguard suit and junk. - gee wally, will ya put it on? - look, what if the neighbors saw me walkin' around the house in broad daylight? they'd think i flipped or somethin'. - well....then will ya put it on after supper, when it's dark. - i don't know, i might. - are the rutherfords still on vacation? - yeah, they're in london. we had a postcard from fred down at the office the other day. it was a picture of buckingham palace. he written across it, "man, what a crazy pad." (laughter) - people down at the office think that was funny? - just the ones who work under him. (laughter) - [beaver] mom! dad! hey mom, hey dad, he's comin', he's comin'! - who's coming? - [beaver] wally in his lifeguard uniform.

- he made me put it on, he wouldn't shut up. - you look very handsome, wally, doesn't he, june? - mm hm, why if i were a little high school girl i couldn't wait to be rescued by him. - cut it out, mom, you make me feel nervous just sayin' it. - wally, you will be careful, won't you? - sure mom, they got all kinds of floats and rescue lights and paddle boards and stuff. - wally, walk up and down and pretend you're yellin' at guys for horsin' around on the beach. - stop it, will ya beaver. i'm gonna go back upstairs and finish my homework. - beaver's certainly proud of his brother, isn't he? - i think you're pretty proud of wally, too. - oh now, june, wally made the football team and the track team, i think i can take a thing like this in my stride. (laughter) (doorbell ringing) i'll get it. - good evening, mr. cleaver. - oh hello, eddie.

we had a tentative engagement for this evening. that means it's not exactly definite. (laughter) - thank you, eddie. wally's upstairs, he's been trying on his lifeguard outfit. - lifeguard? is wally really going to be a lifeguard? - coach driscoll recommended him for the job. i suppose the fact that he lettered in three sports had something to do with it. - yessir, athletics are fine, mr. cleaver. of course my father prefers me to develop in a normal manner. is it alright if i go up and speak to wally, mr. cleaver? - you go right ahead, son. - i thought you took these things in your stride? - usually i do, but there's something about that eddie that brings out the babbit in me. (laughter) - he looks like a real lifeguard, doesn't he, eddie? - sure he does, but i get your angle, wally. i can see those girls now.

"i'm am drowning, glub, glub." - cut it out, will ya eddie? i'll take a poke at ya. - go ahead wally, hit him. - take it easy, tarzan, you'll bend your muscles. hey, you wanna go to the movies tonight? - what's playin'? - who cares, it's friday night. - nah, i'd better get to bed early. i gotta up and take the bus up to the lake in the morning. i'm goin' with two other guys that are gonna be lifeguards. - okay, you get your beauty rest, champ. - hey wally, how come eddie doesn't care what's playin' at the movies? - beaver, didn't you ever hear of girls? - heard of 'em? i wish they'd never been invented. (laughter) - good morning, beaver. - morning, beave. - your father and i thought we might drive up to the lake to see your brother today. - gee mom, that's neat. can i bring a couple of the guys along? - beaver, do you think you could keep them quiet? you know how your father hates to have children

- they'll be quiet, and if they don't, i'll tell 'em you'll sit between 'em. (laughter) - thanks. - you bring your friends along, beaver. we'll all go up and make a day of it. - yeah, maryellen? this is eddie haskell. yeah, i was wondering if you and alma might wanna take a trip up to friends lake today. i'll pay for the tickets. oh, the dentist, huh? oh, that's too bad. yeah, i just thought you might wanna go. you see, my best friend wally cleaver is a lifeguard up there. yeah, he really is. okay, i'll meet ya at the bus station in about half an hour. (laughter) yeah, you can go to the dentist any time. - well, this has your father's signature on it. i guess everything's in order, wally. wait a minute, is this your right age? - yessir. - didn't coach driscoll tell ya that all our

- no sir, he didn't say a word about it. - they raised the age limit this year. i just assumed that he knew all about it. i'm sorry, wally, it's a state law. you're a fine swimmer, but you're just too young, that's all. - gee, you mean i gotta go home? i bought this hat in the second hand and a t-shirt and everything. gee, if i go home my parents will think i goofed it up. - i hate to disappoint... wait a minute, there are a couple of other jobs around here you could do on weekends. - there are? - yeah, how'd ya like to be a candy butcher? - a candy butcher? - you know, go around the beach selling candy and cold drinks and hot dogs. - i don't know, i don't know, mr. burton. - i'll still pay you what i promised you. - yeah, yeah, i guess it'd be okay. i guess you wear a different kind of hat if you're a candy butcher.

- here's some canned peaches my mom sent over, to the couple wondering what a good deal looks like... no. seriously? we'll give it a 6 for composition. scary. wow, what about just putting a fair, no haggle price on the window? not zany enough? sometimes the best deals

mrs. cleaver, she preserved 'em all up herself. - well, thank you, whitey. - my mom gave me a dollar to take along in case you have stuff to eat that i don't like. (laughter) - that's fine, gilbert. now come on boys, get in the back seat. - [voiceover] i got dibs on the window! - [voiceover] me too! - [beaver] it's my car! - [whitey] yeah, but i get car sick. - boys! - boys look, now you're gonna take turns. beaver, you sit in the middle first. - [whitey] yes, ma'am. - don't worry dad, they won't yell while you're drivin'. - he's already threatened them with me. (laughter) where are you going? - [ward] forgot the camera. - hey mom, how come dad went and got the camera? - must be gonna take a picture of somebody up at the lake. - always keep your dogs covered, wally.

you keep your change in this cigar box. - do i, uh, just walk around? - yeah, and while you walk around you bark. - bark? - now get your cold drinks! get your red hots right here! we got 'em, you want 'em! lookee here, lookee here, lookee here! think you can do that? - uh, yessir. - if any wise kids try to heckle you or throw sand at you, don't let it bother you. you know how kids are. - yeah, yeah, sure. - good luck. - get your cold drinks. get your red hots right here. look here, look here, look here. (laughter) (children laughing and playing) - you girls wanna move over just a little bit to the left? i wanna be comfortable.

- we were lucky to find this place. not too crowded today. - i'm sorry you had to stop and give me air, mr. cleaver. - whitey, i was happy to stop. - gilbert, have you ever been up here before? - i don't know, woods all look the same to me. (laughter) - look the table's crooked, we'll have to eat downhill. - maybe we can all lean to the right. - [boys] huh? - my dad's makin' a joke. (laughter) hey, can me and the guys take the camera and take a picture of wally bein' a lifeguard? - i guess so, beaver. but don't you make a nuisance of yourself. - oh sure dad, come on guys, let's go. (bongo beat) (laughter) - eddie, stop embarrassing us. - whaddaya want from me? i'm livin'! (laughter) (bongo beat)

- what am i, a thermostat? - [wally] get your ice cold drinks! get your red hots! get your ice cold drinks! get your hot dogs right here! - why, that's wally cleaver. - yeah, hey wally, over here! - oh, hi eddie, alma, maryellen. i'm a butcher. - eddie told us you were a lifeguard. - yeah, what happened, sam? - they got this law that you gotta be 18. i get the same money for this job. - oh, it's a neat job, wally. (laughter) - i think you look cute in your hot dog suit, wally. - yeah, sure alma. well, i guess i better get back to work. um, get your ice cold drinks! get your red hots right here! - well, no use drownin' today, girls. (laughter)

- [beaver] maybe he's at this stand. - [whitey] we've been to three of 'em already. - [beaver] hey wally! - you kids want somethin'? - no, we're just lookin' for my brother. you're not him. - hey mister, where's wally cleaver? - who? - wally cleaver, he's supposed to be a lifeguard here. - never heard of him. they just hired a couple of new guys, though. he might be over on one of the other stands. - okay. - if a dog fell in the lake, would you have to save him, too? - it's never come up. - get your red hots right here! - if a monkey fell in the lake, would you have to save him? - no, just people, why don't you get lost, kid. - yeah, let's go let my mom feed us. - no, let's go find wally. - no, do you want that food to get rotten

- yeah, let's go eat his mom's food before it gets to be poison. - yeah. - [beaver] come on gs. - [wally] get your ice cold drinks! get your hot dogs right here! we got 'em, you want 'em. - well, did you find wally? - uh, no, he's probably out rescuin' somebody. could we have somethin' to eat?.\9%6 - beaver, we just got here. - beaver, you mean you couldn't find wally at all? - the lifeguard over there said he never heard of him. - but he said he might be at another stand. - oh, well, why don't you run down and see? - i think they got a rule that kids aren't supposed to talk to the lifeguard, or they get in trouble. - gee whiz, beaver, we talked to that other lifeguard. - yeah, but... maybe he wasn't around when the rule was made up. (laughter)

- gee no, mom. - [wally] ice cold drinks! - my sister got appendicitis at a lake once. - [wally] we got 'em, you want 'em! - maybe he's coming down with something. - yeah, and if i'm comin' down with somethin', i'd feel better comin' down with it at home. (laughter) - lookee here, lookee here, lookee here! - hey, it's wally. - wally! - iy mom, hi dad. - wally, what on earth are you doing? - i'm barkin' hot dogs, on account of you gotta be an old guy to be a lifeguard. - boy wally, this is the meanest thing you ever did to me. (laughter) - ward, i wish beaver wouldn't act the way he did. he hardly said a word all the way home in the car. - well, he was pretty embarrassed in front of his friends when wally showed up selling hot dogs. - it wasn't wally's fault. - i don't think beaver's much interested in who's fault it was, he just feels he's been double-crossed.

- hey mom, my nose gets kinda sunburned up at the lake. do you have any suntan lotion? - no, but i have some baby oil. why don't you use that? - gee mom, i don't wanna go around smellin' like a baby. (laughter) - believe me son, you won't smell like a baby. - well, okay. - where's the beaver? - he's still upstairs not speakin' to me. he's still sore about me not bein' a bigshot lifeguard. - he can't go on pouting like this. would you tell him to come down here? i'd like to speak to him. - sure dad. - ward, when you first saw wally selling hot dogs, were you let down, too? - well, yeah, i was a little upset when i first saw him in that outfit. but then i remembered that i'm a father and i'm not supposed to have any feelings. (laughter) - hey beave.

- i'm not speakin' to ya. (laughter) - look, i don't care whether you're speakin' to me or not, dad wants to talk to ya. - i'll bet you went down there and told him to yell at me, didn't ya? - 'course not, why would i do that? - 'cause you're a creepy brother. (laughter) (door slams) - rat! rat! rat! (door slams) - sit down. - no dad, i'd rather stand up and get yelled at. - beaver, i'm not going to yell at ya. - but aren't ya gonna tell me about being' sore at wally? - well, thank you for saving me the preliminaries, beaver. yes, i am. beave, have you tried to analyze your feelings? i mean, do you know why you're treating wally the way you are? - sure, because i hate him. (laughter) - you don't really hate your brother. - i sure hope not, dad. 'cause it's not makin' me feel very good,

- you see beave, you've always been very proud of wally. now for the first time you think he's let you down. but he hasn't. you've let him down. - but gee dad, he said he was gonna be a lifeguard and then he showed up butcherin' hot dogs in front of the guys. - beaver, don't you see what you've been doing? you've been using wally to make you feel important in front of your friends. now, are you gonna not speak to him just because he's had a bad break? - gee, no dad, i've been actin' real dumb. but i can't tell wally i'm sorry, he wouldn't understand. - beave, let me tell you a story. once there was a little boy of just about your age. and somehow he got the idea that his father had been a big football star. well, finally one day, right in front of his friends, his father had to tell him that he hadn't been a star, that he'd been just a second-string

- dad, is this one of those stories where you turn out to be the little boy? - no beaver, in this one i turn out to be the second string half-back. - wally was mad at you? - he sure was for a while. but the point is, beaver, i think wally's old enough now to understand how you feel. - but gee dad, if that's true, i don't even have to say i'm sorry at all. all's i gotta do is start talkin' to him again. (laughter) - that's all you have to do, beave. oh beave, there's one more thing. no, i think you've had enough lecturing for one night. - maybe you oughta tell me, dad. then i could wake up tomorrow with nothin' to worry about. - well, i don't think you should have told your mother and me that you were sick at the beach today. - gee whiz dad, i was.

- you goin' to bed now too, wally? - yeah, i'm beat. that's a rough job butcherin' hot dogs. - but it's neat gettin' $10 a day. - yeah. - you know wally, i just been thinkin'. maybe tomorrow when you're sellin' hot dogs on the beach, all the other lifeguards will be out rescuin' people, and there'll be this girl and she'll start drownin' and you'll throw away your hot dogs and swim out and save in front of all the people. - cut it out, beave. you know that's not gonna happen. - yeah. and even if it did, on accounta you're not 18, you'd have to throw her back. (laughter)

hugh beaumont, tony dow,

(door rattling) - yes? - gee dad, it's nobody, it's just me. - oh, polishing the brass, huh? - yeah. hey, come on and take a look at the mail box. - well, beaver, what are you gonna do today? - well i'm going over to lumpy rutherford's with whitey and gilbert. lumpy might let us wash his car. - let you wash it? - yeah, last time he charged us a quarter to wash it. this time he might let us do it for nothing. (audience laughs) - [ward] well, good morning.

- say june, do you know wally's out on the front porch polishing the brass? he's really taking an interest in his home. - he's taking an interest in it at the rate of 50 cents an hour. - he made a deal with mom last night. (audience laughs) - oh, boy you know you kids really have it easy. when i was a boy, i had chores to do. i had to bring in firewood, get up before daylight, go out to a cold barn to milk the cows. i didn't get paid a cent for it, either. - you know, dad, you should've waited until now to be a kid. larry gets a quarter for just being quiet when his dad gets home. (audience laughs) - well that's not the way my father kept me quiet. - oh yeah, you had a hittin' father didn't ya? (audience laughs) may i be excused? - i guess so. - i'll be home for lunch, mom. - all right. - where's he off to? - oh, he's going over to the rutherford's to wash lumpy's car. - why doesn't he stay here and wash our car? - because last time he had to pay lumpy a quarter to wash his car. this time he might get to do it for nothing.

ward, didn't you once tell me that your father had a modern dairy farm with electric milking machines? - well, yes he did, but i had to get up before daylight to turn them on. (audience laughs) - wally, what are you doing there? - i'm polishing the andirons. - oh, well that wasn't part of the deal. - yeah, i know, but i had some extra brass polish left over, so i thought i'd throw it in on you for nothing. after all, i live here too. (audience laughs) - wally, you're a dear, sweet boy. - gee mom, don't say that. it kinda makes me feel creepy. (audience laughs) - let's get with it you babies. what are you waiting for, your three o'clock bottle? - that's pretty funny huh, beav? - yeah, you're always staying funny stuff like that, lumpy. - don't call me lumpy. - oh sure, clarence. - hey clarence, after we finish the car, can we sit in it?

- gee, we just want to sit in it and pretend we're driving. you said we could. - you got that in writing, freckles? (audience laughs) - who you talking to, clarence? - he's talking to you, beaver. you're the only one with freckles. - yeah, i guess i am. - you really say funny stuff, clarence. - never mind, just don't stop working. and hey, squeeze that rag out, freckles. you wanna leave streaks? - well lumpy, i mean, clarence. - yeah, freckles? - i'd liked it better if you'd call me beaver like you always do. - beaver's a dumb name. i like freckles a lot better. don't you, fellas? - gee, sure clarence. - [whitey] yeah, sure. (thump) - where do you think you're going?

- well, take it easy, freckles. - so long, guys. - so long, freckles. - yeah, so long freckles. - you know something, clarence? - what? - i'd rather be a beaver than a lumpy. lump, lump, lump! (audience laughs) (laughing) - [whitey] hey clarence, i think you hurt beaver's feelings. - shut up, or i won't let you wash my car. (audience laughs) - sure clarence. - sure, lumpy. (audience laughs) - hi, dear. - hi. - hi, mom. well, we got everything on your list. (sighs) - thank you. well, what's this? - well that's frozen hungarian goulash. - well i didn't ask for this. - well gee mom, don't worry. the guy at the market said that if it makes you sick, you get a new box free.

- how much did you spend? - look at this, two feet of groceries. i remember a few years ago and week could eat for a whole week on half a foot. beaver still over at lumpy's? - oh no, he came home about an hour ago and went up to his room. - up to his room, huh? - mmhmm. - on a saturday afternoon. i suppose it's too much to hope he's reading a book. (audience laughs) (door opens) - hi, beav. - hi, wally. - hey, what are you doing? - just looking at myself. - hey, you're not messing with my shaving lotion again, are you? - huh-uh, if you want you can smell me. (audience laughs) - okay, okay. - hey wally, do you notice anything about my face? (scoffs) - doesn't look any dumber than usual. (audience laughs) - i mean, is there anything on my face? - well sure, dirt. (audience laughs) - i mean, is there anything on my face that belongs to me?

and a mouth, and some freckles. - are they good-looking freckles or bad-looking freckles? - whoever heard of good-looking freckles, ya goof? - dad? are you busy? - oh, well, sort of beav, i'm writing off some checks. what is it you want? - well, what makes people have freckles? - well they're caused by pigment. - pigment? is that what makes pigs look like pigs? (audience laughs) - well i'd never thought of that, beaver. why do you want to know about freckles? - well what would happen if a guy had a lot of freckles. say, well, say a million. - well, he'd probably make a fortune. - how could he do that? - well, i remember a boy who used to work in pictures years ago in the old our gang comedies. he must have had a million freckles.

- they laughed at him? - well sure, you couldn't help but laugh at him. i remember one picture, it was about a freckle contest, and when this kid came on the screen, the peo-- (audience laughs) - you don't have freckles, do you mom? - no, i guess not. - then how come i got 'em if you don't got 'em? - well i don't have the bronson skin. - gee, whose skin do you have? - honey, that's just an expression. your aunt martha has the bronson skin like you do. why, to this day, when she goes out in the sun, she has to take a parasol along so she won't get freckles. - men can't carry parasols, can they, mom? - no, honey, i guess not. - then, what can they do about their freckles? - i guess they just have to learn to live with them. - mom, if i start out with bronson skin, how long does it take to turn into cleaver skin? (audience laughs)

you'll have bronson skin for the rest of your life. (audience laughs) (spoon clatters) dear? supper will be ready soon. have you seen the boys? - i don't know where beaver is. wally went out a while ago. - huh. - he might have a date. - did he say he did? - no, but he had on a clean shirt and his letterman sweater. (audience laughs) what are we gonna have for supper? - well honey, i hate to disappoint you, but it is not frozen hungarian goulash. (audience laughs) - hi mom, hi dad. - [june] hello wally, did you have a good time this afternoon? - yeah, it was okay. i went over to see eddie haskell. he got hurt in school yesterday. - was eddie in a fight? - nah, he was goofing around in the library and a book fell down and hit him in the head. (audience laughs) - did you get cleaned up just to go over and see eddie?

i ran out of dirty stuff. (audience laughs) - uh, did you see your brother in your travels? - huh-uh, when i left he was sitting up in his room. - well, he must have gone out without our hearing him. - come on, wally, help me set the table. - gee mom, it's kinda sissy stuff. - well of course it isn't. someday, you'll be helping your wife set the table. come on. - boy, how do you like that, dad? i'm only a junior in high school, and she's going and getting me married. (audience laughs)

(audience laughs) - wally! - oh, well, gee mom, i was just saving you the trouble of throwing it away. (audience laughs) - well next time, don't bother. - sure, mom. - wally, would you go and tell beaver to get ready for supper? tell him to wash his hands and face, brush his hair, and clean his nails. - oh sure, mom. i'll go up and yell at him just like i was you. (audience laughs) - oh, hi wally. - hi, dad. - where you going? - upstairs to holler at the beaver. - dear, the knives and forks are all on the wrong side. - i know, dear. i waited for wally to leave before i changed them. (audience laughs) - hey, beaver? - [beaver] in here. - oh. (rattles doorknob) hey beaver, come on, let me in. i want to get washed.

- okay, if you want to be selfish. - [beaver] okay, i want to be selfish. (audience laughs) - hey beaver, what are you doing with dad's sandpaper? - [beaver] nothin', wally, nothin' at all. (door slams) (scratching) ow. (audience laughs) boy, those creepy bronsons. - wally. wally, what are you doing there? - well gee mom, i'm just washing my hands. beaver's upstairs hogging the bathroom. - oh, well all right, honey, but

- sure, mom. (audience laughs) - june, june! - i'm coming, dear. - well where have you been? - well, i went upstairs and i found my dressing table a mess. there was makeup and powder all over everything. - gee, i didn't do it, mom. - honey, i didn't say anyone did it. curtains must have blown and knocked the bottles over. - how do you want your meat, wally, medium or rare? - well i don't care as long as it's got plenty of blood on it. (audience laughs) - where's the beaver? - he's not down yet. call your brother, will you wally? - oh sure, dad. beaver, hey beaver! - wally, please! - oh, i'm sorry, dad. (audience laughs) - hi, mom.

- beaver, what have you got-- - uh, wally, uh, isn't your meat getting cold? - oh, yeah, yeah i guess it is, dad. (audience laughs) - i'll get the salad. - hey i'll, uh, i'll help you. (audience laughs) - dear, beaver was in my makeup. now, why in he world would he put that all over his face? - well, it just dawned on me. he was downstairs today talking to me about freckles. - you know, he was talking to me about them, too. i'm afraid i didn't pay much attention to him. - well, for some reason he's self-conscious about them and he's trying to cover them up. - well, he can't keep that makeup all over his face.

(audience laughs) well, let's not say anything to him right away. i don't want to embarrass him. let's see if we can't get to the bottom first and-- - hey guys, what's up? - wally, nothing is up. - you mean, you didn't notice that guck that beaver's got smeared all over his face. - yes, wally, we noticed it and we're not going to say anything about it. - oh, i get it. child psychology, huh? (audience laughs) - shall we go in? - something wrong? - no dear, nothing wrong at all. - well, wally, what are you going to do tonight? - wally, your father asked you what you were going to do tonight. - oh. well, i don't know. i might take mary ellen rogers to the movies. - [june] that's nice.

(audience laughs) - well heck no. no, i don't notice anything different. do i, dad? - no, wally. but you know, now that you mention it beaver, there does seem to be something different. (audience laughs) - [june] it's around the face, isn't it, ward? - yes, yes, i think it is. - my freckles are gone. (audience laughs) - well, so they are. - i'll be darned, they're all gone, aren't they, wally? - search me, i can't see a thing through that glop. (audience laughs) - [june] beaver, don't you like your freckles? - i hate 'em. - why, beaver? - lumpy rutherford called me freckles, and you said in the movie you laughed at guys with freckles. then mom said i'd end up looking like aunt martha and have to wear a parasol for the rest of my life, and i feel sick and i'm not gonna eat anything more tonight because everyone in this house is against me! - gee, he must be growing up.

(audience laughs) (knocking) - come on out, son. - you want something, dad? - yeah. beaver, both your mother and i are very sorry that we didn't realize how you felt about your freckles today. i'm afraid we sort of made the whole thing worse, didn't we? - you didn't make it worse, it was already worse. - look son, in the first place, you don't have very many freckles. and anyway, it's not important what you look like on the outside. it's what you are on the inside that counts. - but gee, nobody can see my insides. (audience laughs) - yeah, well, that's not exactly what i meant, beaver. uh, look, let's take abraham lincoln. - did he have freckles? - no, he had a mole.

- yeah. he was considered a very homely man, but he became president of the united states, and everybody loved him. you know why? - because he was nice to moles? - no, i mean he had a mole on his face. - oh, that kind of a mole. - yeah. and did you know, every day, hundreds of people go to visit lincoln's statue in washington d.c.. now, this is the statue of a homely man. and all these people come to visit it because, well, because they want to honor lincoln for what he was like on the inside. a good, kind man. see, it just doesn't matter what lincoln looked like. now do you understand? - sure, dad. well, i wouldn't care what i looked either if i was president of the united states. (audience laughs) (sighs)

- well hello, wally, you're home early. i thought you had football practice. - they called it off on account of the field's all wet. - why, it hasn't rained in two weeks. - yeah, i know. the automatic sprinklers forgot to turn themselves off last night. (audience laughs) the coach and the principal had a meeting about it. he couldn't decide whether to let us practice and clean our uniforms, or to not let us practice and go stale. he decided to let us go stale. (audience laughs) - that's nice. - hey, i saw beaver. he was over on the other side of the park. - oh, what was he doing over there? - well i asked him and he said he went over to see clyde appleby. - clyde appleby? beaver's never mentioned him before. - well he's one of the bigger kids from beaver's school. i thought you knew him. he beat beaver up last year. (audience laughs) - beat him up? oh, wally, you don't think beaver's gonna get into another fight, do you? - not beaver, he's learned his lesson,

- hi, clyde. - hi, beaver. what are you doing here? i haven't seen you since i beat you up. - oh that's not why i came over. i wanted to ask you something. - go ahead. - you won't get mad, will you? - i don't know, go ahead and ask me. - how do you stand it? (audience laughs) - stand what? - having freckles? - hey, i kinda like 'em. - do you really? - sure, it's swell. people got something to call ya, even when they don't know your name. (audience laughs) sometimes, even people driving by in cars yell hey freckles at me. i think it's neat. - gee, i didn't think it was so good. - what are you talking about? when i go to the store with a bunch of guys for ice cream, i'm the first one who gets his. the guy says, what flavor, freckles? and then i tell him. - boy, it sure is neato, right? - yeah, and i get to meet a whole bunch

- gee, i didn't think it was so neat. - yeah, and you know what happened once? - what? - once a big girl asked me if she could count my freckles. (audience laughs) - yeah? - yeah, and you know what? - what? - promise you won't tell anybody. - i promise. - cross your heart and hope to break a leg? - cross my heart and hope to break a leg. - i let her do it.

- clyde appleby really said that, huh? you pay your car insurance premium like clockwork. month after month. year after year. then one night, you hydroplane into a ditch. yeah... surprise... your insurance company tells you to pay up again. why pay for insurance if you have to pay even more for using it? if you have liberty mutual deductible fund , you could pay no deductible at all. sign up to immediately lower your deductible by $100.

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different, you're gonna get noticed. - sure, look at angela valentine in my class. she had an extra toe and all the time everybody was asking to see it. - yeah, she was a real popular kid. - then her parents went and cut it off, and now she's nothing. (audience laughs) - yeah, well that's the way it goes. (engine rumbles) dad's home. (audience laughs) cut it out, will ya? - hi, dear. - hi. - hey, how's the beaver? i've been thinking about him all day. - oh honey he's fine. he came home from school as happy as a lark. - oh, did he say anything about his freckles? - yes, he said he was glad he had the bronson skin and he wished he had more. (audience laughs) - how do you like that? - it certainly was a change. yesterday, freckles was the biggest thing in his whole life. - yeah, well that's one of the advantages of being a kid. the biggest problem in your life seldom lasts more than 24 hours. (audience laughs)

here's some more coffee, sweetheart. oh, thanks. uh, sam? uh-huh? will you give me your opinion of this mother's day card? the rose looks wilted. now read the poem. "in all the world, "there is not dearer to us than the thought "that other loves may quickly perish, but mother's love we always cherish." oh. in my opinion, the poem goes great with the rose. that's not the opinion of augustus sunshine. who's augustus sunshine? owner and head writer of the happy heart greeting card company. their sales have been slipping, and mr. sunshine can't understand why. why don't you show him in red and white? why don't i forget about business and let's go to a movie? oh. okay. i'll get esmeralda. yoo-hoo! esmeralda! yoo-hoo. [ ding! ]

good evening, esmeralda. how are all the guys and gals in the cosmos? i wouldn't know. i only care about one guy -- ramon verona. tonight i have a date with him. oh, dear. we were hoping you could babysit. well, any other not after all that pleading. he was pleading with you? no, i was pleading with him. that's our little game. ramon plays hard-to-get, and i play a cinch. goodbye. [ ding! ] have a good game! well, by process of elimination -- mother! mother? [ horn beeps ] [ engine revving ] greetings, all! i just came from the international dune buggy races. just once, couldn't your mother come into a room in a normal way? h-how did you do? i won.

if you'd mind babysitting while we go to a movie. i would have loved to, except that derwood's being huffy to me. i'm not being huffy! yes, you are! and one more word, and i'm leaving. okay. that's the word! [ ding! ] there is a way to make mother more friendly. okay, let's hear it. well, there's this magic amulet. forget it. i've got enough magic in my life. oh, really? well, present company excepted. i didn't want to go to the movies, anyway.

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samantha: sweetheart! it's 8:00! okay. okay.

good morning, derwood! [ ding! ] [ cackles ] samantha! [ ding! ] what's the matt-- what happened?! your mother happened. that's what happened. oh. well, i-i'll have a talk with her. never mind the talking. just get the amulet. daddy has it. hurry back. [ ding! ] this is it. daddy used it throughout the centuries whenever mother got out of line. i'm surprised it isn't worn-out by now. but now, since they go their separate ways, i convinced him, that for the moment, you need it more than he does. let's try it out. now, wait a minute. there are two rules -- one -- keep it with you at all times,

because using witchcraft on a powerful witch like mother is living dangerously. well, sweetheart, with your mother as my mother-in-law, i live dangerously every day. put it in your pocket, and i'll call her. mother! mother! [ ding! ] good morning, samantha. good morning, mother. good morning, darrin. good morning...who? "darrin." dear boy, would you accept my humble apologies for my slight transgressions of this morning and last night? i behaved frightfully. your behavior last night was, uh, frightful. this morning, it was hideous. darrin. the dear boy is quite right. it's no way for a mother-in-law to treat her son-in-law. would you accept my apology? well... would you think about it? yeah. i'll think about it.

excuse me, mother, but darrin's late for work. i'll see you later, endora. oh, and i'd appreciate it if you'd wear something less...weird. [ chuckles ] anything you say, dear boy. oh, brother. mother, you all right? no! my disgustingly indicates i'm quite ill! but, mother, you're just being kind and considerate. oh, there's no question about it -- i'm sick! i better make an appointment with dr. bombay for a thorough checkup. there's no time to lose. [ ding! ] mr. stephens, look who came to town to pay us a surprise visit -- mr. augustus sunshine. mr. sunshine, it's a pleasure to meet you.

to ward off strife is known as friendship. happy heart greeting card number 3417-y. words to live by. right, mr. stephens? r-right, mr. tate. i wonder why that card hasn't been selling. i blame it on inflation and tight money. mr. stephens, be frank with me. do you think the poems on my greeting cards may be outdated? well, your poems, mr. sunshine, were very effective in their time, but in today's uptight world, people like to exchange cards that have more humor. uh, you're saying that my poems are outdated. well, perhaps they are outdated. then, on the other and i need a new advertising agency. goodbye, stephens. nice to have met you. hi, honey. oh, hi. how was your day? fine.

not so fine. it looks like we've lost that greeting card accoun but who cares? my life is a lot simpler since i've got my safety badge from evil. hey, uh, why don't you call your mother? i haven't seen her all day, and i miss her. darrin, this is not for fun and games. it is to be used in self-defense and with great discretion. okay, okay. whatever you say. i'll, uh, go look in on the kids. [ ding! ] hi. ahh. hi, moms. i'm here to enjoy our newfound friendship. well, care to make me a sandwich? endora, i asked you to make me a sandwich. make it yourself, derwood.

make it yourself and then choke on it. endora, would you excuse me a second? i -- kiddo, you're not going anywhere. samantha! sounds like trouble. [ gasps ] that is trouble! what happened to me shouldn't happen to a dog. so, if you want your sandwich, beg for it! [ ding! ] sit. [ growls ] beg. play dead. i think i'll leave him that way. mother, what are you doing?! feeding my pet.

[ ding! ] oh, darrin, forgive me. i forgot all about your sandwich. never mind, endora. i, uh, seem to have lost my appetite. besides, he's dog tired. oh, the poor dear. uh, don't call us. we'll call you. anything you say ta-ta! [ ding! ] if mother ever finds out about that amulet, you are going to learn that l'enfer n'a aucune fureur comme une sorciere microb\. which means?

[ telephone ringing ] hello?

we're having lunch, and i've been trying to persuade him not to change agencies. how are you doing? not so good. we just finished a round of golf, and i even managed to lose to him, but i had to shoot a 97 to do it. well, that's not so bad. for nine holes? anyway, it didn't work, so i thought i'd bring him over to your place for dessert. why? why do you think? so you can help me hang onto the account you managed to jeopardize. we'll be there in an hour. tell samantha not to go to any trouble. just serve something elegant. [ receiver clicks ] who was that? larry, and in an hour, he's bringing augustus sunshine here, and we're supposed to serve him an elegant dessert. what for? well, he thinks we can hang onto the account with some socializing. oh. well, i suppose that's the least we can do. elegant dessert, huh? ooh! the gourmet pastry shop, but you'll have to drive me. it's always so crowded i can never find a parking space. okay. yoo-hoo! esmeralda! yoo-hoo? [ ding! ] yes, samantha?

the way things are going in my romance department, i'll be able to babysit for the rest of my life. aww. you ought to get yourself something like this. what is it? darrin, put that away. yeah. sorry. just kidding. kidding about what? nothing. forget it. tabitha's playing on the patio, and adam's having his nap. we'll be back in half an hour. come on. [ ding! ] could it be a love charm? obviously. how else could a mortal like him make a witch like samantha fall in love with him? tough luck, ramon! you're mine! hello. goodbye!

[ ding! ] oh! hi, mothe you came at a bad time. we're expecti-- oh, don't you "hi and as for you, beady-eyes, you are beneath contempt! what's wrong, derwood? don't you have the magic amulet? she knows. you bet your sweet broomstick i know. i began thinking about ancient history, and i remembered the amulet your father once had. what happened to it? esmeralda. that's why she was so anxious to get out of here. so, i went to maurice, who could never lie to me, and i extracted a full confession. mother, i...i... ay-ay-ay!

aww. and i'm angry. uh-oh. and i'm so furious, i'm going to punish the both of you. [ ding! ] [ ding! ] you set aside your true emotions, your loving marital devotions. the air around you now grows thicker as under my spell, you constantly bicker. [ cackles ] [ ding! ] oh, hello, larry. samantha, this is mr. augustus sunshine. oh, well, it's nice to meet you. how do you do? follow me, gentlemen. knucklehead is in the living room. "knucklehead"? i guess it's a term of endearment. well, mr. sunshine. i look forward to chatting with you, providing my wife can keep her big mouth shut and we can get a word in edgewise. the less you say, buster, the better your chances of appearing intelligent.

nothing. uh, mr. sunshine, would you like a french pastry? ah, they look delicious. did you bake them yourself? are you kidding? if she baked them, the cart would collapse. how'd you like a split lip? how'd you like a bust in the bazoo? sam, why do you let him talk to you like that? well, i figure he's my husband. he's got a perfect right. he's got a pretty good left, too. [ laughs ] uh, darrin, to change the subject to greeting cards, as i told mr. sunshine, i have every confidence if we put our shoulders to the wheel -- if you get the contract, dumbo, i'll show you where to mark your "x." for two cents i'd walk out that door and never come back. wait here. i'll get my piggy bank. uh, tate, i may be oversensitive, but i feel we walked in on a little domestic quarrel. well, mr. sunshine, i suppose these things can happen... but not in front of a client. uh, we better go.

"a lover's spat is all we had, "to mix the good with a touch of bad. "now let us once again draw near, while saying both, 'i love you, dear.'" happy heart greeting card number 1803-k. how about this one? "married life is never humdrum when you're stuck with such a dum-dum." samantha stephens, number 86. good day. w-w-wait a minute, mr. sunshine! i'm sure this is just a momentary thing. [ ding! ] having fun, kiddlies? [ ding! ] samantha, i thought this was a love charm, but it doesn't work. ramon verona was as cold as ever. well, of course he was. that amulet has power over only one person. esmeralda, you look lovely! "ravishing" might be the more accurate description. thank you.

remove the spell. oh. anything as a witch of great ability, i remove this pair's hostility. heed the message from above. you're not sick -- you're just in love. [ ding! ] oh, sweetheart. i'm sorry. why should you be sorry? blame your meddling mother. ta-ta, mama! ta, darling. [ ding! ] oh, dear. [ ding! ] what am i gonna tell larry and mr. sunshine? i don't know, but i better get them back here. augustus sunshine and larry tate, this is darrin stephens' mate.

come back, fellas, on the double. [ ding! ] tate, i feel a sudden compulsion to go back to the stephens' house. that's funny. so do i. [ tires squeal ] in other words, the whole thing was a fake, staged for your benefit. i don't understand. well, darrin was trying to show you that in today's society, people don't always communicate with, well -- with sunshine. right. sometimes people like to bicker -- good-naturedly, of course. you call the way you two went at each other "good-natured"? samantha: oh, absolutely. didn't you see the humor in it? oh, yes. i-i guess it was pretty funny. [ chuckles ] uh, wasn't it, tate? [ chuckles ] sure! stephens, were you trying to tell me

of suggesting that you branch out into funny insult cards. you know, like "happy birthday, knucklehead!" "happy birthday, knucklehead"? well, uh, that's just an example. i mean, i'm not a professional poet like you, mr. sunshine. oh, "funny insult cards." that's food for thought. and, uh, speaking of food, may i have one of those pastries? have two. well, he did it again. right, larry? yeah.

hi, sweetheart. oh! hi. hey, i've got a present for you from daddy.

well, that's very nice. when was he here? today. mother was so angry at him for giving us the amulet that she decided to move back in with him for a while just to get even. i hope you gave the amulet back to him. oh, i did. and he replaced it with a necktie that doesn't do anything. i'll write him a thank-you note. don't bother. he has no address. i have a present for you from augustus sunshine. it's his first insult poem. "seasons greetings to my bride, "who fills my heart with wondrous pride. "she has a figure and a face that best belong in outer space." how do you like it? well, i don't think it's bad for a first effort, but, uh, i wish people wouldn't knock outer space if they haven't been there. [ chuckles ]

-- captions by vitac -- i think i'll wear the gray knit to larry and louise's tonight. the gray knit? u not the one with the plunging neckline? you loved it the last time i wore it. so did a lot of other guys. it's the only thing i have that louise hasn't seen. sam, the client and they're against open-toed shoes. well, maybe i'll wear a sweatshirt under it. if we go at all. if? oh, i've been trying to get esmeralda since yesterday. i can't seem to reach her. [ ding! ] here i am, samantha. hello, mr. stephens. good morning, esmeralda. i couldn't possibly babysit tonight. well, why don't you materialize and tell me all about it? all right. [ ding! ] where have you been? i have been devastated. i don't feel up to babysitting. what happened? well, you remember a few weeks ago

oh, yes. he's the salad chef at the warlock club. of course. anyway, it was a shocking experience. did he make a pass at you? no, and i've never been so insulted in all my life. esmeralda, would you mind going upstairs and looking in on adam? all right, but i can only stay a short time. [ sobs ] well, we have two alternatives. what's the second one? don't you want to know the first? the first is your mother. what's the second one? i could call dr. bombay. that quack? i'd rather have your mother. oh, darrin, esmeralda is in such terrible shape. he might know a w swell. and after he does that, who's gonna cure my depression? oh, i'll think of something. anyway, we'll be helping esmeralda and helping ourselves at the same time.

only, sam, don't call until i'm out of firing range. [ sighs ]

you're late for work. you grab your 10-gallon jug of coffee,

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dr. bombay! calling dr. bombay! [ ding! ] dr. bomb-- ooh! morning, good morning. sit down. i'll examine you. dr. bombay, i'm perfectly all right. that's for me to decide. sit down. left shoe off. i'll take your pulse. no, doctor, you don't understand. it's esmeralda who needs your help. she's had a terrible experience with ramon verona. ate one of his salads, eh? [ laughs ] dr. bombay, this is serious. my dear, you don't want dr. bombay. you want "dear abby." goodbye. oh, no, wait, wait, wait. maybe... esmeralda, look who's here. oh, dear. [ ding! ] esmeralda, dr. bombay just wants to help you. nobody can help me. i'm a natural-born loser.

[ ding! ] no? what do you call someone who's always pushing doors marked "pull"? why don't you go into the kitchen and fix yourself a cup of coffee? all right. it might cheer me up, but i doubt it. [ sobs ] hmm... there's a lot less to her than meets the eye. you know what i think, doctor? the only way to bolster her ego is to get another man interested in her. matter of fact, someone does come to mind -- a chap named norton. i once cured him of the incurable square green-spots disease. what's he like? unfortunately, not the greatest personality in the world. a bit of a loser, in fact. sort of short and funny-looking. drinks a bit, too. dr. bombay, nobody's perfect. i really ought to be going.

until dr. bombay gets back with your cure. what is it -- a pill? i hope not. [ ding! ] all right, you stay here. i'll flush her out. bombay, could you please lower your voice? you're on the same wavelength as my hangover. what's this chick's name? esmeralda, and you'll thank me. uh... what does she look like? oh, she's warm, sweet, intelligent. goodbye. norton, did i or did i not cure you from the incurable square green-spots disease? yes, you did, and i -- then the least you can do is to take a look at this witch and see what you think. you have to keep your strength up, or you'll fade away to nothing. if i'm lucky. now, go ahead.

there you go. i hope this cure dr. bombay's bringing isn't going to hurt. i think you're going to be pleasantly surprised. i am? i might as well tell you. he's bringing a friend for you. oh, no. [ ding! ] well? wow-ee, wow, wow. she really appeals to you? oh, i'll say. never can tell. esmeralda. yes? you are going to have to promise me that when dr. bombay shows up with his friend, you won't fade out. all right, but i really don't feel like meeting anybody. [ sighs ] ah, there you are. i want you to meet a friend of mine.

norton, this is esmeralda. well, i'm certainly glad to meet you. you know, i almost didn't agree to come here. i could almost laugh when i think of it. this is esmeralda. no. no, you're esmeralda. you see, when he told me to look in here, and i looked in here, and you were the one who was. that's why you've got to be. she's esmeralda? oh, dear. [ ding! ] dr. bombay, how much longer is this going to take? i'll be done in a jiffy. that's what you said over an hour ago. what does that do? nothing. it's just for eating. it's my clam dip. you don't say? [ grunts ] scotch and soda.

does this potion work in the usual way? yes. after imbibing this potion, the imbibee is smitten by the first person he sees... of the opposite sex, of course. is there a chance he'll refuse the drink? if he does, he'll be breaking a lifetime habit. well, here goes nothing. ready for a drink? you're a mind reader. how about a little toast? here's mud in your eye. don't be a bore, norton. there's a lady present. sorry. here's mud in your eye. oh, dear. [ ding! ] [ gulps ]

hi, there. i love you. oh, my stars! where are you going, my little lovebug? come back here. there's been a ghastly mistake. dr. bombay! dr. bombay, my husband's going to be home any minute. right. goodbye. [ ding! ] if there's one thing i can't stand, it's a cowardly doctor! there you are, you gorgeous little witch. [ sighs ]

esmeralda! esmeralda, will you please tell him i'm married? she's married, but i'm not. oh, come here, you little kitten. i'm not even engaged. oh, good for you. oh, hi, sweetheart, you're early. come back here, you beautiful creature. i'm not that early. sam? oh, dear. aah! [ ding! ] o-o-okay, you want to play games, huh? all right, but i'm warning you. i'm a very sore loser. where are you, my little pigeon? [ imitates pigeon ] mrs. stephens come through here? she went thataway.

sam, who is that guy? what is all this mess? our guests will be here in less than an hour. now, have you flipped? yes. excuse us, esmeralda. oh, dear. he's a warlock that dr. bombay thought might be attracted to esmeralda, but he wasn't. so the doctor made a love potion to get him interested, and it did -- in me. i knew there was a logical explanation. sam, you get that character out of this house righ he is out, but i don't know for how long. larry's picking up the meiklejohns at the airport and taking them to their hotel. i'd better call the hotel and see if i can head them off. [ doorbell rings ] that can't be larry. with the luck i've been having all day, it's got to be him. i'd better do something about the mess in the kitchen just in case. oh, mr. meiklejohn, mrs. meiklejohn, how nice to see you. i know we're a little early,

i told you we should have called. yes. stand back, esmeralda. i'm gonna have to speed things up a bit. [ ding! ] [ ding! ] [ ding! ] ooh, esmeralda, would you mind putting the dip in that silver bowl with some crackers around it? sam, come on, or the meiklejohns will think we went out the back door, which may not be a bad idea. why did larry bring them over so early? they had an argument on the plane, and she refused to stay over, so they canceled their hotel reservations. [ ding! ] looks like a jolly evening. well, i have to change. will you please turn around? sam, this is no time to be bashful. just go ahead. oh. [ ding! ] how do i look? like a vision of loveliness. look, whatever you're selling, we don't want any. now, will you please blow?

you have hurri he didn't mean to be rude. yes, i did. get lost. i'll give you your choice. would you rather be a frog or a zebra? don't you dare lay a spell on him. you'd make a wonderful aardvark. norton, if you really care for me... oh, i do, i do. ...then you behave yourself and stay here in the kitchen. your every wish is my command. esmeralda, may i have the clam dip? anything you say. [ imitates pigeon ] would you like to make us a couple of drinks, sweetheart? oh, mr. meiklejohn, mrs. meiklejohn, how nice to see you. excuse me. have some clam dip. thank you. my dear, i do want to apologize.

blame me, even though it's you who refuses to stay over. i don't care to discuss it. wouldn't anyone like some clam dip? george, inasmuch as you're going back tonight, maybe we could take a few minutes after dinner to discuss the renewal terms? mmm...i don't think that'd be fair to our hosts. sure, it would. i mean, wouldn't it, darrin? oh, sure, sure. i don't usually mix business with pleasure, but under the -- isn't anyone gonna try the clam dip? it's really the end. oh, yeah, i will. it does look good. [ ding! ] what is it? hi, there!

you're beautiful. did i tell you what happened to our neighbor mrs. kravitz? [ ding! ] no, sam, what happened to our neighbor mrs. kravitz? well, mr. kravitz took her to her very first baseball game, and... what are you doing all the way over there? hmm? would you stop acting like a sex maniac? you're a handsome devil, you know that?

i think i'll freshen that dip. let me help you. if i were your wife, i'd never let you out alone. well, that's very flattering, too, but listen, i don't want to crowd you. why not? [ laughs nervously ] quite a kidder, isn't she? i have every reason to be angry. do you think it was cricket just to take off and leave your friend behind? why not? he knows his way home. at any rate, i haven't the foggiest notion how the potion got into your dip. you know, doctor, you'd make a perfect stranger. darrin, please. what about the antidote? listen, you two, what's the idea of leaving me alone with...

evidently. [ laughs ] you two sure have a lot of help tonight. hey, what did you put in mrs. meiklejohn's drink, i beg your pardon? larry, don't you understand? she's just trying to get even with her husband because of that stewardess. sure, and it won't hurt to humor her. you're forgetting something. we're here to humor him. and if she keeps on -- larry! where are you? [ laughs ] come back, honeybunch! i say, they've all gone amok, haven't they? how long will it take to make the antidote? it might be faster if i put a reverse spell on the potion. where's the clam dip? over there. i may join him. i could do with a swim myself. [ laughs ] nothing. darrin, why don't you go out there and help larry?

mrs. meiklejohn: i'm gonna get you! mrs. meiklejohn, please! mrs. meiklejohn, i don't think mr. meiklejohn would approve. oh, here, mr. meiklejohn, let me help you. [ indistinct shouting ] will you please calm down? i suppose larry has told you how anxious we are to continue handling your account. for the last time! [ laughs ] he has a funny way of showing it. oh, yes. here. cheers. oh, boy, some more clam dip. is it as good as it looks? oh, yes, yes. esmeralda and norton tasted it, and they loved it. oh, that's great. in fact, they just left. that's even greater. here, mr. meiklejohn, have some. ladies first. sam, sit over here. oh, no, no, no, you're not gonna get away from me again. here, here, i made a fresh batch. oh, thank you. thank you very much.

what's going on here? i haven't the vaguest idea. g-g-george, george, where have you been all this time? right here, honeybunch. are you trying to start another argument? why should i argue with my lovely wife? oh, i think i'll have some of that. no, you don't. pardon? i mean, i want you to save your appetite for dinner, which will be ready in a few minutes.

darrin? mm-hmm. oh, hi, sweetheart. hey, what's the matter? you look worried. i am.

well, that's wonderful. what's the problem? since mr. and mrs. meiklejohn decided to turn the trip into a second honeymoon, he's been acting like a teenager. he calls his wife three or four times a day, sends her flowers, talks about her incessantly. i'm sure she doesn't mind. sam, you and i both know he's under the influence of witchcraft. [ sighs ] darrin, i have a surprise for you. that love potion only lasts 24 hours. you mean, he really... i guess all he needed was a little push. well, what do you know! [ tinkles ] sam, that was not funny. so sue me. it was worth it. [ laughs ] come here.

[clears throat] [sighs] good morning, master. oh, hi, jeannie. [giggling] there you are. well, thank you. well, you've been a busy little bee, haven't you? well, you do not want to be late. well, what's my hurry? i haven't even had breakfast yet. oh, there you are. you have a good day at the office, master. yeah, i have the distinct feeling you're trying to get rid of me. uh, is that true? [laughs] of course not, master. oh.