- while i'm waiting for ronnie,@ i'll see how my opposition is doing. (chase music) (audience laughs) - [ronnie] dad?! - come in. - dad? - yeah? - dad, i've been thinking it over since breakfast and i've made a big decision. i'm gonna quit college and help you. - [george] you, uh, made this big decision since breakfast, 10 minutes ago?

you work and slave for my education. dad, you're getting old. - well, i've been doing it for years and nobody cared before... (audience laughs) - dad, i just noticed it when i looked at you across the table this morning at breakfast. - well, we have bad lighting in the kitchen, i'm having it fixed. (audience laughs) - okay, dad, let me take over. you've given me the best years of your life, now i want to give you the best years of mine, so i'm gonna quit college and let you retire. - what are we gonna live on while we switch from my best years to yours? (audience laughs) - i'll cross that bridge when i get to it. but now, i'm gonna call the university and tell them i'm leaving for my father's sake. (phone dialing) - ronnie, you're not leaving college. look, let me try to explain something-- - no, it's alright, alright, alright, alright, but remember: your son was willing to make that sacrifice to you because he loves you. (audience laughs) so whatever you hear, i expect you to love me just as much. (audience laughs) - how did you like that performance ronnie just gave?

there won't be room for me on the show. (audience laughs) you know, the people who know me are divided in two classes, those who think i should retire, and those who think i did when i married gracie. (audience laughs) you know, it'd be kind of nice to quit work and do the things i've always wanted to do, like singing and acting, smoke guitars and tell jokes, and pause...while i'm waiting for a laugh. (audience laughs) only last week at the breakfast table, i said to gracie, "how would you like to retire?" she said, "don't be silly, i just got up." (audience laughs) it's hard for an actor to retire. now, i knew this big star who announced his retirement every year, and two weeks later, he'd be back on the stage again. this went on until he was 96, then he finally died. and at the funeral, two of his actor friends passed and one looked down and said to the other, "i wonder if he really means it this time?" (audience laughs) the problem of retiring is money.

who saved their money so they could retire and live in the style they're accustomed to, discover that they can't even work and live in the style that they're accustomed to. (audience laughs) and those ads in the paper... "retire and live on $120 a month." then there's always a picture of a couple fishing by a stream. you know why they're fishing? at $120 a month, that's all they can afford to eat. (audience laughs) and then i heard about a postman who'd been working for 40 years and he always dreamt that someday he'd like to retire and do nothing but fish. and he finally did. first day out, he caught a big sack of fish and threw the sack on his shoulder and started home, and from force of habit, on the way, everybody found a fish in their mailbox. (audience laughs) but for now, i'm going to call it quits. i believe in that old show business adage: "leave them while they're laughing." (audience laughs) - but, blanche, if albert kramer doesn't start wearing

- oh, gracie, i-- (doorbell rings) - uh oh, there he is. now, do you know what to do? - no. - well, don't worry. i've got a plan, so whatever i do, you follow me, but if it isn't right, you start and then i'll follow you. (audience laughs) hello, alfred. (audience laughs) - mrs. burns? - yes. - you see? my eyesight's gotten much better! (audience laughs) - why don't you come in? let me take your hat. - oh no, i do everything myself now. i'll hang it on the hat rack. (audience laughs) - [blanche] hello, alfred. - hello. - mrs. morton. - oh! (audience laughs) how are you, mrs. morton? - well, let's all sit down and talk. - [alfred] after you. (audience laughs) oh, i beg your pardon. (audience laughs) - now, alfred, i asked you over here to tell you, you've got to wear your glasses again.

- oh, no, i look so much better without them. - but you can't go around bumping into things and sitting on people's laps. - but i like it, it's fun. (audience laughs) - fun? - that's how i met the girl i'm going with now. - ooooh... - her name's mildred and she's just crazy about me. i guess i never knew how good-looking i was until i took my glasses off! (audience laughs) - (laughs) alright... well, don't wear them if you don't want to, but you'll certainly be out of style. everybody is wearing glasses these days, even mrs. morton. (audience laughs) - yeah, she does. (audience laughs) - yeah, everybody. - yeah, but you didn't wear them at the door. - well, sure, i want them to last longer and i never wear them when i'm not looking through them. (audience laughs) - but mildred likes me without them. - oh. does she like clark gable? - he's one of her idols. - ah! well, he wears glasses.

- look at this! (audience laughs) uh huh, and how about this? cary grant. (audience laughs) - i didn't know he wore them. - oh, sure. well, he just started. in fact, his are hardly dry yet. (audience laughs) how about this? - marilyn monroe, too? - uh huh. if you think that's something, how 'bout this? (audience laughs) - this i can't believe. - about him? well, you've gotta believe it, he never told a lie in his life. - mrs. morton? - oh, sure, everybody's starting to wear glasses. (audience laughs) - i'm here to help, i've been watching it, too. dear, blanche, alfred! - [gracie] george, what are you wearing those silly things for? you look ridiculous! (audience laughs) - (softly) alfred.

ridiculous, but i'm glad you're wearing your glasses! - i wouldn't be without them! i want to be president someday, too. (audience laughs) - well, who am i to find the trend? good-bye, ladies. - good-bye, alfred. - i'm gonna phone mildred and tell her i wear glasses! - oh, wonderful, alfred! - [gracie] good! - you know, i'll be happy to wear them again. confidentially, i don't see as well without them as you think. - [both] good-bye, alfred! (audience laughs) - [alfred] oh, good-bye! forgot my hat. (audience laughs) (cheerful music) good-bye, and thanks for everything.

- ronnie... you say you heard professor henderson say you were flunking in everything? - i can't understand it. i've worked very hard, i studied all night.

- [mr. morton] well, ronald, you can't fight heredity. after all, you do have a parent with a somewhat addled brain. - mr. morton, i'll thank you not to talk about my father that way. - well, it wasn't he-- however, it does seem to fit just as well. (audience laughs) - well anyway, if someone doesn't come up with an idea, i'm finished! - [von zell] ronnie, i think i've got it. - really? - well, i remember of a case exactly like this when i was in college. we had this student there who was a complete dope, a real knucklehead, you know-- - yeah, well, you've made me feel better already. (audience laughs) - oh, no, no! i didn't mean by that, that you're that way. anyway, this kid was getting such bad marks, they were ready to throw him out of school. then his rich uncle showed up and said he wanted to donate a bunch of money to build a new gymnasium-- - as an inducement to permit the young man to remain in school. - what else? and it turned the trick, too. see, they wanted the gymnasium, so they just gave the boy easy courses and he graduated.

but i haven't got a rich uncle. - ooooh, ronnie. (chuckles) me... - you? - well, i'm not rich, i know that, but i am a pretty good actor. i'll just go to this professor henderson's office alone and put on a great performance. - oh, no, no. only someone desperate would agree to a scheme like that, and that's me, so let's go! (audience laughs) - just a minute. von zell. after listening to this weird plot of yours, i have come to the conclusion it was your uncle had the knuckleheaded nephew. - i graduated, didn't i? (audience laughs) - professor tavelman, that's why i called you down from the psychiatry department. the man sitting in my outer office is a mr. von zell, and mr. burns just called me to tell me that he was suffering from strange hallucinations. i thought it might be an interesting case to analyze. - good, good! - miss harmon, send the gentleman in.

(audience laughs) - hello, professor henderson-- i am young ronald-- oh. professor henderson, i'm young ronald burns' rich uncle cecil kimberly, of the kimberly diamond mines... (audience laughs) - how do you do? won't you be seated, mr. kimberly? - oh, thank you, yes. - splendid, splendid. - who is he? - oh, my colleague, professor tavelman. - oh, how do you do, how do you do? - what can we do for you? - well, it is a question of what i can do for you. i am here, gentleman, to donate a $500,000 gymnasium to your school. - excellent, excellent! - that's very generous of you. - oh, tut-tut, not at all, professor. we can kimberlys enjoy-- (audience laughs) (unclear exchange) now, as you know, i am incredibly wealthy and i do have a soft spot here in my heart for young ronald, and-- (audience laughs) when he's passed, you understand, i may-- (audience laughs)

- [professor tavelman] uh, mr. kimberly, tell me something. when did you first begin to notice that you owned all these diamond mines? (audience laughs) - but, but, what i, what i-- - mr. kimberly, we can't accept your kind offer, however, you might be interested to know that, on his own, ronald burns has passed his examination. - but, but, he, he, oh! (audience laughs) well, then, i think i'd better be going, and then... thank you very much, gentlemen, thank you. - [professor henderson] good day, mr. von zell. - good day! (audience laughs) what'd you say? - a clear split personality. - and neither half worth keeping. (audience laughs) - mrs. burns? - [gracie] yes? - i'm mildred foster, alfred kramer's girl. - oh, you're the lap he sat on, come on in. - i told alfred to meet me here, but i'm a little early. i have a problem. - well, she certainly came to the right place, didn't she blanche?

i'm mrs. morton. - hello. - [blanche] hello. - [gracie] now, what's your problem? - well, you made alfred take his glasses off, and then you got him to put them on again, and now i want you to get him to take them off again. - why? - when alfred phoned me and told me he was wearing glasses, i knew i was in trouble. he's never really seen me! - but you're a very attractive-looking girl! - certainly! - i'm not! i'm plain and ordinary and drab. - well, look at blanche. (audience laughs) - [blanche] huh? - she felt the same way when she was your age, but look at her now. alfred's crazy about her, he sat in her lap, too. (audience laughs) - yep. (doorbell rings) - that must be alfred... - oh, well, now, don't worry. i'll get his glasses off again. (gracie and alfred laughing) (audience laughs) - well, alfred, i've got news for you.

this morning glasses were in and now they're out and-- - [alfred] who's that pretty little girlie? - you don't know who it is? - no. - you never met her before? - no, but she's beautiful. - well, come on in and meet her. (audience laughs) this is alfred kramer, and this is a young friend of mine from out of town. - hello. - hello, you're very pretty. - thank you. - would you like to go somewhere and have a soda so we can talk? - [gracie] oh, yes! oh... (audience laughs) - you're just what i've been looking for, but i've gotta tell you something. i have another girlfriend. - [mildred] i have another boyfriend. - well, if you give him up, i'll give her up! (audience laughs) - [mildred] it's a deal! (mouthing words) thank you. (audience laughs) - well, now that everything is solved,

(audience laughs) - you know why they're fishing? at $120 a month, that's all they can afford to eat! (george laughs) - he's a scream! (audience laughs)

(applause) - [both] thank you, thank you.

brilliant relatives will we talk about tonight? - brilliant relatives? - yeah. - oh, george, you're making it difficult for me. - i know i am. - there's so many of them, it's gonna be hard to choose. - yeah, it's just a family of geniuses. i guess there's no such thing as a 'normal' allen. - well, i couldn't agree more... - yeah, me too. (audience laughs) - of course, the one we're most proud of was mozart allen, the famous conductor and composer. - mozart allen? is he living yet? - not yet. (audience laughs) - maybe i didn't hear right. is he living yet? - not yet. - i heard right. um, what kind of music did he write? - well, the first thing he wrote was his symphony 97. - that's the first thing. - yeah. he figured he'd have a better chance if people didn't think he was just a beginner. - just a beginner. (audience laughs) i asked the question. successful? - oh, no, no, no, not right away. for many years he starved in a tiny room in san francisco and he was so discouraged and blue, that one day he would have cut his throat if it wasn't for the girl nextdoor. - she helped him?

(audience laughs) - well, if it hadn't been for her, he wouldn't be living yet. - [both] not yet. (george mumbles) - well, anyway, it was so cold in his room, you see, he didn't have any heat, but he still practiced his piano 16 hours a day. - how did he keep warm? - well, he played it from the inside. (audience laughs) - but the starving genius kept on writing music. - yes, during that time, he wrote his 'fugue to a boiled chicken', (audience laughs) - 'fugue to a boiled chicken'... - and his 'pot roast sonata', (audience laughs) - 'pot roast sonata'... and then the 'bacon and egg overture' for fruit and cello. - fruit and cello... kind of strange titles. - well, he couldn't help it. whatever he smelled the neighbors cooking, he wrote. (audience laughs) - they sound like very danceable numbers. but your cousin mo really loved music? - lived for it, and anytime he could scrape a dollar together, he'd go to the opera. - i like them, too. - goll, operas are such fun!

to be a tune and it keeps fooling you. (audience laughs) - that's why i like them. what would you say was his most famous composition? - oh, george, everybody knows it. 'the chihuahua serenade'. - oh, a mexican tune. - no, he called it that in honor of the little dog who helped him write it. (audience laughs) - wrote it with a chihuahua? - well, in a way. you see, mozart couldn't afford a metronome so he had his little dog sit at the piano and wag his tail and give him the beat. (audience laughs) - must have been a pretty ridiculous-looking sight. - no, no, the dog was looking the other way. - well, look gracie, you cleared everything up but one. when i asked you whether your cousin was living yet, you said, "not yet." does that mean he's dead or alive? - well, george, of course, who isn't? (audience laughs) - [both] good night. (applause) ("love nest")

- hello. phi delta gamma fraternity house? well just a minute. - hi there, this is ralph granger, campaign manager imogene reynolds for homecoming queen. we just want to know if we can count on all you phi delts voting for her. we can huh? awe, thanks a million pal. - last day. - don't forget now this is the last day, so get out there and vote. well, 45 more votes for imogene. - see, i knew plastering her picture up all over fraternity row would make them see that she was a real intellectual. - yeah. (laughs) - well i better get started on the sorority houses. - hey ronnie, i don't know how to thank you. imogene is my girl and you're letting her think i'm doing a great job as her campaign manager, but you're the one who's doing all the work. - line's busy. why shouldn't i? i'm your best friend. and i'd go to bat for you any day. - well, don't think i don't appreciate it ronnie, but i'm a little worried.

- but every time you go to bat for me with a girl i end up with no hits, no runs, and no girl. - hmm? oh! oh! - well boys, how's the campaign coming? - oh fine mrs. burns. we're really piling up the votes. - awe, i wish you'd let me help. you know i'll admit i've never had any experience electing homecoming queens, but there must be something i can do. - well thanks mother but as you said you've had no experience so you wouldn't know how to do this. - well that's never stopped me before. i've been helping people for years and i've always been able to do the things i didn't know how to do just as well as the ones i did. (audience laughing) sometimes even better. (phone ringing) - hello? just a minute. it's the beta mu sorority. - hi there this is ralph granger and i'm handling the campaign to elect imogene reynolds as homecoming queen and we wanted to know if you... she wants to talk to you. - i left i went out.

- mother, you see she's always wanted to get a date with me and i don't like her. - then tell her that. - hello bertha? yeah, this is ronnie burns. look bertha, ralph and i called because, well we hadn't planned on it. no, well bertha look, i'll talk to ralph about it and we'll see. goodbye. now we're in a fine fix. - why, what did she want? - well she says we're supposed to give out kisses if we want votes. - that's wonderful, now all you have to do is have the mission go over and kiss all the sorority girls. - she wants us. - [ralph] no correction, she wants you and it's not a bad idea either. you know mrs. burns, the way the co-eds go for your son, ronnie could kiss imogene into the biggest landslide a queen ever had. - well that takes care of the girls! and i've got a wonderful idea for the boys. now your father just brought home a box of cigars and if you pass them around, you're bound to get votes with them. - yeah sure, 50 cigars will mean 50 votes. - yeah. - george can i see you a minute?

- oh but mother, i don't wanna ask dad. so why don't you? - who suggested asking him? you just keep them here while i get the cigars and after the election we'll ask him and sack him at the same time. (audience laughing) - uh oh. - [george] yes dear. - oh george, the boys want to talk to you. - but i'm a little busy downstairs with harry von zell. what do you want to talk to me about? - about two minutes, right boys? - [ralph] right. - [ronnie] right. - bye. - ok boys, let's have it. i'm in a hurry. - yeah, yeah, well don't keep your father waiting ronnie tell him. - me? well i'm not keeping him waiting, you were the one who suggested talking to him so why don't you ask him. - [ralph] oh no, now ronnie he'd rather hear it from you. now after all, you're his son. - yeah but it's your girl we're trying to elect as the homecoming queen and i think if you want dad's advice you should be man enough to ask him. - now let's face it ronnie, i can't stir your father the way you can. your, your his son, he admires you and respects you. now to him i'm a nobody, i'm an outsider. - you're nobody, he's my son. - well no matter who asks him, i'm sure dad will come up with something good. - oh well sure all we need to do to

- so come right out with it. - i've got all kinds of answers if you'll just... - [ralph] be straight forward. - [ronnie] be honest. - lay it on the line. - [george] on the line. -be sincere. - hold nothing back. - [ronnie] well what do you think dad? - i think it's the dullest two minutes i ever heard. if you boys are gonna do a double routine you outta punch it up with a few laughs.

(theme music) - well thanks, mother. but dad's down in the living with mr. von zell now how're we gonna get 'em out of the house without him knowing it? - oh, that is a problem. but if there's one person in the world who can solve it, i know who it is, harry! - [harry] i'll be right up, gracie. - yeah, but mrs. burns, how are you gonna get mr. von zell to take the box of cigars out? - yeah, what are you gonna tell him, mother? - well, ronnie when i'm trying to put something over on somebody, would it be fair if i figured out something before they got here? - i don't know what you mean? - well, look, now harry von zell doesn't know what i'm going to say so i don't know either. and that way we're starting even

- you have a very remarkable mother. - oh yes, i know and so is ronnie. - i do, but mother i don't think we oughta do this to mr. von zell. - oh hi everybody, gracie... oh, hey how's the campaign coming, ronnie? is imogene gonna win? - it's pretty close. looks like it's gonna be nip and tuck. - well if nip and tuck win it this year maybe imogene can get it next year. (audience laughing) - do it to him mother. (audience laughing) - i called you up here about something very important. the boys wanted your opinion. - oh, about what? - well, what would you think of a wife who spent $60 for a pair of shoes trimmed with rhinestones, without telling her husband? - $60? gracie, how could you. poor, george. - i didn't say it was me. - gracie look i know you, you don't have to try to fool me.

right away, before george finds out about them. - oh harry, would you do it for me? - i certainly will. $60 for shoes, it's just amazing how easy it is for people to take advantage of someone. - certainly is. (audience laughing) - what store do these shoes go back to? - well look, if you'll just take it over to blanche's, she and i will return them this afternoon. but don't let george know about the shoes or he'll be very angry. - no, i won't. i wish i could tell him, though. i'd like george to know just once that i'm really helping. (upbeat music) (audience laughing) - george? - yeah? - how did you get behind me, i didn't hear you?

what do you got behind you? look harry, i don't know what's in that package but if you're mixed up in another of gracie's schemes this time you're really fired, do you understand? - i do, i understand it, i wish i didn't. (audience laughing) listen, whatever i'm doing, i'm doing for your own good. - this is your last warning. - but you wouldn't fire me three weeks before christmas? - oh no, no, no, you're entitled to a two weeks notice. i'll fire you a week before christmas. (audience laughing) go. - you, you, you... - out. (silly music) - look i'm not as mean as you think i am. in fact, i'm going to invite von zell over for christmas dinner and give him two helpings of turkey. and fire him in between them. i don't know what's going on but i know it has something to do with that campaign

and i'm sure that gracie is helping ronnie and ralph. and she should she's very sharp about politics. once at a local election, she said she's not voting for a certain candidate because he stays out all night dancing and drinking cocktails. i asked her what made her think that. and she said she read in the paper that he was a very active party man. my first contact with politics was when i was a baby on the east side of new york. the neighbors used to borrow me every time a candidate made a public appearance. they felt that if he was willing to kiss me, he really needed the job. you know in those days political campaigns were very confusing. one candidate would say "my opponent is an inefficient crook." the other one would say that, "my opponent is an incompetent thief." and with two nice men like that both telling the truth, it was hard to know who to vote for.

i've still got them, they're wonderful. there's one that said,"if he's good enough for martha, he's good enough for us." and then there's, "don't be chincy, vote for john quincy." then there's,"they laughed when he bought louisiana." anyway it's great to be an american and have the right to vote. here any american boy can become president. but around election time, only one in 170 million get stuck with it, so the odds are nothing to worry about. i better turn on my television set. and find out what gracie and von zell are up to. (audience laughing) (knob clicking) great, my tube blew out. i better call the repairman. i wouldn't like to go back to listening to keyholes again. i don't mind bending over, it's that straightening up that's murder.

had it here on the desk. hello, tv repairman? this is george burns at 312 maple. can you send someone over to fix my set? it's urgent. you will? thanks. i wonder where those cigars are. i put them right here on the desk. well, this is not my day today. first the television set and now the cigars. my monologue didn't get any laughs.

(theme music) - you say there are shoes trimmed with rhinestones? - yeah, they cost $60. blanche, gracie wants you to keep them here until she has a chance to return them. - oh, so george won't know about 'em, huh? - right. - oh that man. you know just for living with him, she deserves shoes trimmed with real diamonds. here, give them to me. i'll hide them in this drawer. - hide what in the drawer? - hello, dear. - [harry] hi, harry. - how do you do, blanche? a nud to you von zell.

let us proceed to more important matters. hide what in the drawer? - these shoes, gracie's returning them she doesn't want george to know about them. - a likely story. no doubt they are expensive foot-gear you purchased yourself and are attempting to conceal from me. - no, excuse me harry. blanche is telling you the truth. she's not lying. - may i examine them? - what good will that do? you'll still say they were mine. - not at all, gracie has small feet to match the smallness of her intellect. you have rather large feet and there the parallel ceases. - certified public accountant, here look at them. - thank you. (paper rustling) why this is a box of cigars. - cigars? oh no. - what does this mean? - what does it mean, harry? it means that for some reason gracie wanted to swipe george's cigars and she used me to get them out of the house. - von zell, how could you be such a dupe? - i started as a dope and worked my way up. (audience laughing)

what can i say to him? i can't tell him. he's already given me my last warning. (upbeat music) - well i went down to the store and bought another box of cigars. wish my tv set was fixed. i got a feeling that von zell took that first box but i'm not sure. (loud knocking) come in. yes. - mr. burns? - oh the tv man. -tv repairman... - good, good. i'm glad you got here fast. i want you to fix that set in a hurry. - rush job, huh? - yes, sir, you see somebody's been stealing my cigars and i wanna find out who did it. now here's what happened to the set. i turned it on and this, this, this... - excuse me, what do the cigars got to do with the tv set? - well you see if there's a crook in the neighborhood, all i gotta do is tune them in. (audience laughing) - tune them in? on that? - well what is it, a carpet sweeper? - no, sir. - good, now while you're fixing it, i'm gonna go through the

(audience laughing) - keyholes, keyholes? - boss? this is charlie. i'm over at that burns and allen job. yeah i got news for ya. it isn't the wife who's a screwball. no, it's burns. he's nuttier than a fruitcake. i gotta get this job done fast and get outta here. (audience laughing) - oh hello, i was looking for my husband. - he went out a moment ago. - oh, well, it's not important i just want... oh, how nice, 50 more votes! - votes? - yes, i'll take them along. i want my son to win the election. - what election? - homecoming queen of usc. (audience laughing) you see, he's a little worried nip and tuck might win it.

- nip and tuck. boss? charlie again, forget what i said about the wife being ok. they both belong in the same fruitcake. if i ain't back in an hour, come and get me. - oh hello, where's mr. burns? - i don't know he went out. - oh gosh, i hope i can find him. look i'm harry von zell, his announcer, if he comes back will you tell him i'm looking for him, to give him back these cigars? tell him it was all a mistake. - a mistake? - i thought they were shoes trimmed with rhinestones. (audience laughing) - i don't guess i'm gonna tell him that. - hello, george. oh, george. i didn't expect to see you. although i should've, i was looking for you to bring these back. these, i was bringing them back... now, boss don't look at me like that. honest, i didn't know they were your's.

- harry, i'm surprised at ya. it's bad enough you steal the first box but to come back and take this one too. - first box? george, i didn't steal anything. - well then it's easy to prove, there'll be another box, right now, on my desk. - well, where are the cigars? - i don't know george. i didn't take anything, boss? boss? look, ask him. - he was here, boss. - out. - no, boss, i mean mr. burns, he's right... - wait a minute, wait a minute. you came here to fix something, fix it. what are you trying to do, ruin our story? (audience laughing) - really? we did it! - great! - here's 50 more votes. - well thanks, mother, but we don't need it. you see the school just phoned and said the election's over with.

and she's gonna give me all the credit. - oh wonderful. - what a victory. you know they told us, imogene has the biggest plurality of any queen ever elected. - really? well it certainly doesn't show in her picture. - mrs. burns, she got the most votes. - oh well, that's democracy for you. even a girl with a big plurality can win. (audience laughing) (upbeat music) - just been using the morton keyhole and von zell, blanche, and harry are on their way over here to help him try to get his job back. - i've got to go down and pick up another condenser. - well good, if anybody asks i haven't left the room. - yes, sir. - george, i think you are making... - hello, harry. blanche.

before you went crooked. - now listen, george, i don't think you realize what you were doing when you fired harry von zell. - no, you underestimate his value to your show. - you and blanche think von zell's great because you're his friends but what about the average guy, the man on the street. can von zell sell him? - why of course he can. - that's what he's best at. - good. the repairman is on his way up here. sell him this hat. - this hat? - sure, if you're that good. sell him the hat. - pardon me, folks. - oh, sir, how do you do? just a moment of your time, please. this is a hat. notice, if you will, the smoothness of the felt. the jaunty angle of the brim, so flattering, so complimentary to the masculine face, such as your own. let us not over look the heart of the hat, the inner lining. as you can see, extra hand stitching has been done only

and it's available to you, the public, at only 8.98. - yes, sir, i'll buy it. - you sold the man his own hat. - well i sold it. got my job back? - no, but i'll find you a job selling hats. - hats? - out, and take luke and fontan with you. (audience laughing) - you know, mr. burns, all the people around here are very strange. - you're alright, trying to buy back your own hat. (audience laughing) - mrs. burns? - yes? - i'm imogene reynolds. - oh, come in. - i came over to thank the boys for getting me elected. - oh boys, imogene is here. well, so you're the queen. well, you're a credit to my husbands cigars. (audience laughing) - congratulations, imogene. - imogene, baby, i'm so happy for ya.

i don't want to be all black and blue. - oh, well i'll be careful, even on our date tonight. - oh, about the date, i'm sorry but i made another one. - huh? - well, i'm going out with the president of the student body. - oh well, how about tomorrow night. - oh, i have a date with the captain of the football team. but i do want to thank you and ronnie for making all this possible. goodbye. - well, i'll show you to the door. you know and the boys were wrong when they said you had a big plurality. where ever it is, it doesn't show at all. - goodbye, thanks again kids. - goodbye. - well you did it again. it was your idea to make her a queen. when she was just a co-ed, i used to date her every night, and now i'm out, thanks to you buddy. - what's going on? - oh, ralph's girl was elected queen and now she thinks she's too good for him. if you hadn't left your cigars laying around, this never would've happened.

goodbye! - well that suits me. - oh boys, you're being very silly. let's go out in the kitchen and have a slice of cake and talk this over. - oh no, not me. i'm not gonna sit down at the same table with a guy who... with nuts on it? - [gracie] walnuts. - come on, ronnie, let's go eat a piece of cake. - we can finish this argument later. - awe, they made up. you see george, my mother and father were right. they always said that, "it takes two to make a quarrel." and nobody was better at it than they were. (audience laughing) - mr. burns. - yes? - i've gotta call my boss and tell him i finished the job. would you like to go up and test the set? - i certainly would.

- no kidding boss, that's what's happened. look, you don't have to come and get me. no, i'm just getting out of here in time. i almost bought my own hat. just a couple of tubes, that's all. the bill will be $10. yeah. (phone ringing) hello? - i'm only gonna pay you 9.75 for those tubes. - i'm sorry mr. burns, but the bill is $10. - yeah but the cigar you just took cost a quarter.

(audience clapping) well gracie, since last week a lot of people have been writing in. they'd like to hear more about your cousin, mozart allen, the composer and conductor. - really? - yeah, i guess he's famous now. - oh, isn't that wonderful. you know musicians have to wait until their dead to be famous. i'll bet cousin mozart's glad he made it. - just in time too. how did he get to be a conductor? - oh, simple, he was the only one in the orchestra who couldn't play an instrument. - suited him right. - well it is. you know for years, his ambition was to lead the san francisco symphony

and he always carried his baton with him everywhere he went. - in case anybody asked him, he was always ready. - oh yes, yes, and that's why he took a job with the park department. - doing what? - well he put a nail on the end of the baton and he picked up papers with it. - that's one musician that really cleaned up. - and at last the call came. - oh the call did come, huh? - yes, and he was asked to conduct the san francisco symphony but the only trouble was he couldn't afford a full dress suit. - so what did he do? - he made a deal with a clothing store to sell him half a suit. - half a suit? - yes, the back half. - the back half. - yes, you see while he was conducting that's all the audience could see. - what did the store do with the front half? - they left it on the dummy in the window because that's all the people in the street could see. - one suit for two dummies. - yes. - you mean, your cousin conducted this orchestra just with the back half of the suit? - oh yes, and it would've been a great success if he hadn't been sneezing all through it.

- well, naturally he was standing in front of the woodwind section. - well, that will do it. - well, that wasn't so bad. the real trouble came when he turned around to the audience to take his bow. - i imagine that must've caused quite a sensation. this kid really went all out. - it was a wonderful sight to see mozart up there waving his arms and interpreting the different moods of the music. - threw himself into it, huh? - yes, when he was conducting an opera, he would practically live it. once he was doing sampson and delilah, he got so carried away, he cut his own hair. - he cut his own hair? - yes, and he couldn't finish the opera with his hair cut off, he was too weak to lift the baton. (audience applause)

- all right, let's break it up, you playboys! come on, we're home. ok, kiddies. i'm sorry, i hate to be a party pooper, but the shindig's over. - aw, have a heart, skip. - yeah, we was just warmin' up. - yeah, well, ya better cool off quick because we gotta get these girls back to the base hospital before binghamton finds out that they're missing. - yeah, well, let us at least have one more dance, skip. i found a great partner. well, what'll it be, baby? the lindy or the peabody? it's up to you. - why don't all of you just make it a conga line to the brig, honey. you're under arrest, all of you! - gee, i'm sorry i stepped on your toes, sir. i mean, ma'am. - never mind. my program was filled anyway.