- all right, let's break it up, you playboys! come on, we're home. ok, kiddies. i'm sorry, i hate to be a party pooper, but the shindig's over. - aw, have a heart, skip. - yeah, we was just warmin' up. - yeah, well, ya better cool off quick because we gotta get these girls back to the base hospital before binghamton finds out that they're missing. - yeah, well, let us at least have one more dance, skip. i found a great partner. well, what'll it be, baby? the lindy or the peabody? it's up to you. - why don't all of you just make it a conga line to the brig, honey. you're under arrest, all of you! - gee, i'm sorry i stepped on your toes, sir. i mean, ma'am. - never mind. my program was filled anyway.

- item 42.

item 43. willfully creating a disturbance during duty hours. huh? item 44. fraternizing with female personnel. - aw, take it easy captain. the boys needed a little relaxation, they haven't had a leave in months. give 'em a break, captain. - oh, i'll give 'em a break, all right, mchale. i'll give 'em a break right about here and i'll personally tie the noose myself. now don't you interrupt me anymore. - yes, sir. - if i'd a known he was that mean, i'd have never asked him to dance. - you shut your fat little mouth or i'll give you a... - [knock on door] - come in! i'll sink you. - excuse me for interrupting, sir, but there's a new ensign who's just arrived and he's very anxious to speak to you, sir. - i don't know anything about a new ensign. that's all i need around here is another ensign. item 45. - but sir, sir, he's not assigned here, sir, he's not assigned here. he's just laying over for three days until he can get a flight out to bora luna, sir. - here are his orders. - don't you understand? i don't want to see his orders! i don't want to see him! i don't want to know anything about this man, whoever he is!

- ensign roger whitfield the third? - yes, sir. - is this the son of roger whitfield the second, my old boss? - well, that's what he told me to tell you, sir. - don't stand there like a ninny! you bring that boy in here. you bring him in here right away! my goodness, that's my boss's son. i want my job back after this war, you know. - oh, yeah, yeah. - don't just stand there, mchale! tidy up! tidy up! help me with my coat. you standing around, nobody does anything to help me. it's--i tell you, it's-- will you get this thing off of me, you lump! every time you get near me. put that down! oh! i don't have time for this brat to show up... i...ooh! hello, roger boy. so nice to see you, boy. how are you? - it's a small war, isn't it? whoever thought i'd bump into you way out here. - huh, bingy? - bingy. yeah. that's what they used to call me at the yacht club. - oh? - yeah, bingy. good-bye, boys, good-bye. nice of you to drop in. - what's the rush, bingy? aren't you going to introduce us? - oh, you wanna... he wants to... uhh...this is, uh, this is commander mchale. - hi, glad to know ya.

- yeah. hi! any friend of bingy's is a friend of ours. - i know. well, bye-bye, boys! - so, so, you're quinton mchale, huh? oh, ho, ho, ho! i heard a lot about you from the fellas on the plane. - oh? we've heard a lot about you, too. - yeah, boy, you shoulda heard what he said about you before you came in. - i was telling them all about the south bay yacht club, roger. - yeah. - yeah. how are things at the yacht club, roger, without me? i suppose they're just falling apart. - well, not exactly. dad wrote me that they put charlie druten in your old spot managing the place and, uh, i understand he's doing a pretty good job, too. - charlie druten, huh? that eight ball, he couldn't manage a live bait barge. - well, if i remember right, that's what they used to say about you, too. huh, bingy? ha ha ha. - heh heh. great sense of humor this boy. it runs in the family. - captain couldn't manage a live bait barge.

- well, if you're gonna have a little ol' reunion here, captain, we'll be on our way. - what about the court-martial? - oh? don't tell me you're having personnel problems, bingy. you know dad always thought that was your weak point. - uh, your dad thought that was my weak...i'm not having any personnel problems. hmm? - no! no, no! no, what mr. parker meant was that the captain seldom has any personnel problems. - oh, i see. - of course there are those charges on the, uh... - uh, heh heh! there are no charges here, mchale. no, no. uh, that's on the house. - oh! well, wonderful, we sure appreciate that! - yeah! boy, listen. any time you need a favor, boy, you can call on us! yes, sir. - yeah. heh heh. - you see that? we're just one big happy family! - yeah! [laughter] - big hay family! say, dad, can i use the boat tonight? - bye-bye! bye-bye! - yeah.

they're a little eccentric, but they're fine. make yourself comfortable, son. make yourself comfortable. - won't pop get a kick outta hearin' that i ran into old bingy! ha ha ha ha ha! - be sure and tell him how thrilled i was to see you. won't you do that? uh, excuse me, roger, i wouldn't want these dirty papers to spoil your shoes. - aw. - yoo-hoo, mchale! yoo-hoo, sailor. it's me, little flower. - little flower? she looks like a whole hothouse to me. - shh. why don't ya get lost? ah, well, little flower. tell me, what can we all do for the most charming daughter of the most noble chief on this island? - mchale, i here to make deal. you give me ride on pt boat, i give you pig. heh heh heh! - oh, yeah, but...thanks a lot, but, actually, we don't need a mascot right now.

on our 73, huh? - best way little flower know how to catch husband. here. - oh, uh, you mean run 'em down in their canoes? that's a little dramatic even for leap year, isn't it? here. ah-choo! i'm allergic to those things. - well, uh, little flower, i'll tell ya. i'm sorry, but we can't help you. because if binghamton ever catches us with another girl on the boat, he'll skin us alive. so, i'm sorry. - well...uh...i tell you...i give you two pig! - well, two or 200, i...i... it just can't be done. - i throw in water buffalo. feather coat. even pet crocodile! - gee, skip, a pet crocodile. - i'm sorry! that's captain's orders, and that's final. - all right for you, mchale. but if i wind up old maid, all your own fault! ah-choo!

- hey, skip, can't we take just a little peek at the boss's son? - yeah, any guy that can push old lead bottom around like that... - look, i don't wanna have to hang around here any longer than we have to. - but, roger, i'm afraid you didn't understand, boy. see, when i offered you the best quarters on the base, i didn't necessarily mean mine. - well, pop'll be thrilled to hear about your hospitality, bingy. don't forget these. i gotta freshen up now, bingy. bye-bye. - what i'd say to him if only i'd married money. what are you pirates gawking at? didn't ever see a man on the way to the, uh... the dry cleaners before? - hey, did you guys see what i saw? - hey, wasn't that beautiful? - he's got binghamton eating out of of his hand. - hey, mchale. you're just the man i want to see. - ohh? - uh, what do you guys do for kicks

i mean, uh, confidentially. - well, confidentially, i get a kick out of those training films the medics have been showing. - aw, knock it off! you know what i mean. i mean, wine, women, song. that kind of thing. - oh, that kind of thing. on taratupa? well, that's ancient history, sonny. captain binghamton turned thumbs down on any more parties. - oh, really? - yeah. - well, uh, what if we can get him to change his mind? - you mean, give us permission to throw a wing-ding? - well, you came to the right place! - yeah, we'll order us the wildest, swingingest... - stow it! stow it! and you can save your breath, sonny. because caain binghamton isn't about to change his mind. - oh, really? well, why don't we just ask him? - excuse me, roger, i forgot my toothbrush. are you men still hanging around here, goofing off? move out! out! out! out! - all right. let's go, boys. - go where, mchale? aren't you interested in the party? - party? what party's that? what party, what, wha... - well, my welcome aboard party, bingy. pop always said that you'd throw one for me if our paths ever crossed in the pacific.

we...i...heh heh heh! that party, yes! how stupid of me to forget that. - now hold on, captain! now, how you can you ok his shindig, when you just chewed us out for throwin' a party? - because i got four little stripes that say i can, that's how, mchale. - stripe dropper. - you shut up! now, uh, i'm going to have mchale get his boat ready. i'm going to invite some of our prettiest nurses and we're going off on the most fabulous seagoing luau you've ever seen. [cheers] knock it off! hush! far as i'm concerned this party is for ensign whitfield. you men are just going along as the hired help. - help? - shh. now, roger, won't your father be happy when he hears the wonderful time that i've been showing you? come on inside, boy, get out of this hot sun. - is everything comfy in here? [music playing]

- well i'm feeling no pain. you're neat, baby, really terrific. hubba, hubba. - isn't that cute. bartender! hurry up with the drinks, we're running out in here. - yes, sir, i'll just... oh, hello, how are you? - hey, you clumsy oaf! look what you've done! that's the first time i've had this on, too. clumsy oaf. - excuse me, excuse me, anything wrong, captain? - yes, i'll tell you what's wrong. this nitwit here's trying to drown me, that's what's wrong. well, don't just stand there, go get somo more! - uh, yeah, later, bingy, later. right now i kinda figured the gals might get a few kicks outta watching me put this tub through her paces. - oh, really? well, just back off slowly, sonny. because nobody steers my pt boat, unless he's a qualified helmsman. - yeah, they hardly ever let me touch it. - don't worry, mchale, i'm qualified. dad used to say that i could handle a speedboat better than anybody in the yacht club. right, bingy? - oh, ah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yes. that's what dad used to say, mchale. yes, yes. - now, wait a minute, captain!

not san diego bay! - i don't care if this is tokyo bay, roger wants to steer the 73, he steers the 73 and that's an order! come on, roger, i'll show you where the wheel is. - ha ha! is this kicks, baby, or is this kicks? yahoo! - captain, i refuse to stand by while that punk plays hot road with my boat! - you watch your language, mchale. you're doing fine, roger boy, fine. - but, captain, these are dangerous waters. there's no telling what we're liable to run into. - boy, i'll say! hey, sand bar, dead ahead! - hey, hard a port! - all right, yahhhh! - come in... - captain! this is positively the last straw. do you realize what that little lord fauntleroy wants me to do? he wants me to put my signature to this damage report.

- well, that's not a bad idea. after all, you're the one who let him take the wheel. - i'm gonna kill him one of these days, mchale. now you do anything that that miserable brat tells you to do, you read me? anything, right up until the time his plane leaves for bora luna. - but, but...captain! - no buts! this war is not going to last forever, and i am not going to go home and manage any live bait barge. now get outta here! i'm a sick man and i think that dunk in the ocean gave me pneumonia. - i don't know, you're tongue looks all right. - uh, does it? good... get your grubby hands off of me and get outta here! out! out! out! - all right! all right, captain, we'll go. but i'm telling ya, that if you let that playboy pal of yours get away with this, there's nothing he'll stop at. - hiya, fellas! say, uh, bingy, there was a note on my door that said you wanted to see me? - uh, yes, roger, i'm giving a little party tonight at the officer's club in your honor. sort of a farewell party. - a farewell party, bingy? - yes. - but i'm not going anywhere, bingy. oh, haven't i told ya?

- stay? - but he's got orders. you're due at bora luna tomorrow. - well, that's just a formality, they don't want me, any ensign will do so, uh, you can send somebody else, huh, bingy? - well, uh, i...who? - well, like maybe...him. - hey, that's not a bad idea, captain...me? - why, you little pipsqueak! - now watch it, mchale. put that away. what's the matter with you? roger, can't we talk this over, boy? - bingy, are you going to deny a little favor to the son of a man who took you out of nowhere and could put you right back there? - no, no, no, captain. don't let him push you around. don't let him push you around! - yeah, you were right when you called him a miserable brat. - yeah. - idiot. i tell you, you're a disgrace, ensign. spreading lies like that around. - you start packing, you're shipping out. - oh, now wait a minute, captain! be reasonable, you just can't do this! - i can do anything i want. i'm in charge here and you got a new exec officer. now you get out of here! get out! out! out, out, out! - ok, captain, but i'm warning you.

- yeah, what he said! - come on, let's go. - well, now that that's settled, i got a tennis date. so, i'll see you later, bingy. boy, just think of what a bang it's going to give dad to know that you and i are going to be together...

i really want to show you something. karen o.: 1, 2, ready, go

it's a mystery all is love is love ow! ooh ooh... [howling] announcer: for great play ideas, visit www.smallstep.gov. - well, guess this is it. - boy, i sure hate good-byes. - what a dirty deal. - it's a cryin' shame. - who does that binghamton think he is? - a snivelin' coward, that's what! all this just to save his crummy job after the war. i get so mad, i could just...oh, doggone it! - ow! - binghamton! aw! officer...bingham...i was...sorry, uh, we didn't see you coming, sir. here we'll have this off in a minute.

- you all right, sir? - all right? - oh, oh, oh! all right? oh, yes, yes, i'm all right. i never felt better in my life. - what's an ear, more or less? - yes, yes. - all right, captain, let's have it. you want something from us, right? - oh, uh, i...you think that i want something from...he thinks that i want something from... - yes. - ha ha! all right, mchale. let's--let's lay our cards on the table. i want that monster off of my base! - ha ha! - i am sick and tired of that boy leading me around by the nose. he's lead me around by the nose long enough. i've had enough of it, you understand me? enough, enough, enough! - you know, it does look like your nose is stretching a little. - get your hands off of me. - well, that should be no problem, captain. you just transfer whitfield on his original orders, and keep mr. parker here. - no, no, no, that won't work, mchale, and his father would know that i shipped him out.

- beg...you got yourself a deal, captain. - yeah, all we have to do is scare the daylights out of him. - maybe we can fake a japanese attack. - not enough. why don't we tie him to a depth charge and...whammo! - yeah, whammo! - skip! how about this gorilla suit i swiped from the... was left over from the u.s.o. show? this ought to scare the skivvies off of lover-boy. - nah. no, no, no, that... hey, wait a minute... that lover-boy cued me onto something. boys, what would be a fate worse than death for a romeo like that? - beats me. - i give up. - well, what else? getting married! - ha ha ha ha! - yeah! - gather round, boys. listen to this... - pay attention, will ya? - how 'bout it, virg, everything all set? - righto, skip. the carbine's loaded with blanks. the guys are all staked out and little flower's rarin' to go.

- well, afternoon, captain! i see you're wastin' no time in bringing over our new exec, huh? - well, can't hold up the war, you know. - yeah, yes. - no hard feelings, huh, mchale? - aw, no, no, no, no. it's just like i always said, you know, uh, "no sense cryin' over spilt ensigns." welcome aboard, roger boy! - aah! help me! help me! aah! aah! aah! - it's a gorilla! - yeah, it is. chasin' chief watara's daughter. shoot, virgil, shoot. go get... - get him, shoot, shoot! - oh, wait, you dropped... - [screaming] [all talking at once] - wait a minute! don't you say... hurry up! hurry up! - wait a minute! hold it! hold it! hold it! - i think you got some dirt in your...

- [growling] [screaming] - that's it! keep firing, son, keep firing. [gunshots] - little flower? little flower, are you all right? - all right? this happiest day of my life! you saved little flower's life! i belong you, joe. we get married! - marr...married? is she kidding? - oh, no, no. she's not kiddin'. no, it's an old native custom. yeah. any man that saves a maiden's life, she belongs to him. - bingy, this is ridiculous. - no, no, no, no. listen, the natives take their old customs very seriously. - oh, yeah. yeah! - hey! listen to that! there's the wedding drums already.

there isn't anything or anyone that's gonna make me marry her. - hey, yeah, it looks like the new in-laws are arriving. - welcome, uh, chief watara. - greetings, o great and noble warrior. - fondue, fondue! knock off small talk. who the lucky bridegroom? - this one, papa! he save my life! i marry him. - hmm. welcome to family, son. ungawa! ungawa! set up wedding altar. - they don't believe in long engagements. - you do something about this. - hmm. not bad teeth, no caps. grandchildren be plenty healthy. - will you take your dirty hands off of me? there's not going to be any grandchildren, there is not going to be any wedding and will...you...let...me...go? - i never let you go! we spend rest of lives in our own little hut! - uh-oh! the wedding wreath. sorry, ensign, it won't be long now. - nonsense. binghamton, i'm warning you,

- oh, yes. yes, i will. you let this boy alone, you overgrown pygmy! ooh! - shut face, or you end up human dartboard! - watch it, captain! he's right. why, if any one of these two fellas sneezes, we-- well, we're all dead! - enough! um gah, begora, bora tuba mani! - w-w-what's he saying? - dearly beloved, we are gathered here... - dearly beloved? no, no, wait... you can't do this to me! - sorry, paleface. sorry, paleface! old native custom. once ceremony started, got to marry somebody, anybody. - mala, mali, mali, mali... oh, so long, skip, i'll be shipping out for bora luna. - oh, that's what you think! i'm the one that's going, you're staying here to get...married. - but i can't. i'm not even engaged! - you are now, that's an order! is that all right with you, chief? you said anybody. - all ensign look alike to me. you like? - yeah, i like, i like! - i think she likes, she likes. it's a deal. thank you, o noble chief. - thank...edwards! - oh, yes, sir. - take ensign whitfield over to the radio shack.

- yes, sir! - hurry, hurry, hurry! - come on, quick, before the chief changes his mind. - come on, let's go! - it worked! - ha ha ha! i'm free! - i'm squashed. - well, captain, just as soon as roger leaves, our troubles are over. - i wanna tell you, mchale, when you put your mind to something you... - it papa! - oh, greetings, o great chief watara. - greetings, mchale. who are these phonies? - we were just getting ready for halloween. yes. - yeah, you know, trick or treat! - well, uh, what brings you here, chief? - oh, hear wedding drums. come quick. give bride away, ha! - oh, no, papa. it is all mistake. - you bet it mistake. chief daughter don't settle for one stripe when can get husband with four. - four stripes? - you mean the captain?

little flower marry you. - me? what...no, no, that's out of the question. you see, i already have a wife. - what difference? watara has eight wives. captain have two. - well, congratulations, wally, looks like the best man won. - you idiot. congratulations! you keep your daughter, nothing on earth could make me marry her, nothing! - easy does it, captain. here comes junior. - it's nice to be in the family, papa. - listen, my plane's taking off any second, so i just...papa? who's he? - ah, well, this is captain binghamton's new brother-in-law. - yeah, they wouldn't settle for me, so...he volunteered to take your place. - oh, dad and i will never forget you for this, bingy. and allow me to be among the first to say that i hope that you will be very happy together. - you come here, four stripe, and hold little flower hand. ungab gora. tuva bora, tuva mani. - that means, "dearly beloved."

- whee! mchale, that pretty good fun! - easy does it, captain. remember this is the deal we made with chief watara. cheer up, at least it saved you another trip to niagara falls. - now let's see. we got a few more here. christy. willy moss. - right here, skip.

- "admiral gruber"? - i can dream, can't i? - boy. and virgil. mmm! not bad. ha ha! well, that's about it, boys. - well, i'll be seeing you guys. i got to go home. - well, what's the matter, chuck? - it says here i got to report for jury duty. - hey, my kid can say "daddy"! - your kid? - you mean our kid. - we're the godfathers. - and don't you forget it. - yeah, don't you forget that-- oh, just look at that doll. little christina, charlene, leslie, willamina, tinka... virginia, hettie, and quintilla. - uh...fujiyama? - oh, yes. fujiyama. ha ha ha! - hey, wait. you didn't hear the best part. i'm going to be able to hear her say "daddy." - what are you talking about? - what do you mean "hear her"? - yeah, really. our next-door neighbor, mr. potter, has got a ham radio set, and he's going to try and broadcast to us at 5:00 teratupa time on the 23rd!

- the 23rd? wait a minute! wait a minute! hey, wait! that's tonight! how about that? - you think binghamton will let us use the base radio tonight? - well, i think once we tell him about it, why, of course he will. after all, he's still a human being. - yeah. i saw him pet a dog once. - how about that? in a few hours, i'm going to be able to hear my kid. - our kid!

- sir, you forgot to dot your "i." - i know when i dot the i's! stop looking over my shoulder! nobody likes a smart lieutenant. [knock on door] - hi, captain. hi, carpy. - oh...mchale. what's the trouble this time? - well, no trouble, sir. no, sir. we're here to make a very special request, sir. - and because we know that you're the understanding kind of an officer that thinks first, last, and always of the good of his men. - uh-oh. it's worse than i thought. what did you do, torpedo my gig? - oh, no, sir. - you torpedoed the admiral's gig. - come on now, captain. you're kidding. ha ha. - i knew it. they got one of our aircraft carriers. - no, sir. you're wrong. guess again. it's smaller than a breadbox. - there's nothing wrong at all, captain. you see, we are here to ask your permission to use the base radio tonight. you see, quartermaster christopher-- - use the base radio?

- oh, no, sir. nobody's perfect. - what? - i'm sure that if you'd just listen, sir, i'm sure that-- - mchale, i don't know what racket you and your seagoing mafia are mixed up in this time, but whatever it is, this is my answer. - carpenter. - sir. - you will draw one thompson submachine gun and 10,000 rounds of ammunition. you will then station yourself outside of the radio shack, and if commander mchale or any of his merry men so much as cast a shadow in your direction, you will shoot to kill. - aye-aye, sir. - but, captain, if you heard what we really want, i'm sure you'd give us a break. - a break? you want a break, mchale? i'll give you a break, all right. don't shoot to kill. shoot them in the foot. out! out! out! - maybe you'd understand if you had a baby of your own. - if i had a ba-- him between the eyes. right between the eyes. - bye-bye. - i'm not gonna hear her. i'm not gonna hear my little baby say "daddy."

- boy, of all the crummy deals. - and we said binghamton was human. - are we going to take this lying down, skip? - no. you can bet your royal skivvies we're not going to take it laying down. now, i know that pete the radioman will go along with us. but we've got to figure out some way of getting carpenter away from that radio shack. - i know, skip, but how are we going to do it? - hey, wait a minute, guys. i got an idea. what if we can get that new blonde nurse at the base to take carpy out for a little moonlight stroll? - nah. he's too g.i. that chicken charlie wouldn't leave his post for a dame. - yeah, but wait a minute. what if the dame turned out to be a damsel in distress? hmm? - a damsel in distress. - yeah. ha ha ha. hey, hurry it up, you guys. - it's 10 minutes of 5:00. - how does he look? - good. you look great. come on. virge, you all set?

stay down. stay down. now. now. - oh! oh, how dare you, you thief! put me down this instant! oh, you! you put me down! - halt! sailor, put that nurse down. now that's an order. - help! save me! somebody save me! oh, you brute! - an officer on duty never leaves his post. - help! save me! help! - i may be an officer... but i'm still a gentleman. - save me! somebody save me! - stop! do you hear me, sailor? stop! - oh! oh, how dare you! help! save me! somebody help me! [shouting continues] - hi. - oh, hi, skip. i've got it all wound up for you. - i'm going out for a smoke. - good, good. - i don't know from nothing.

- hey, it's 5:00 on the button. hurry up. - shh... [loud squealing] - this is w9643 san diego calling c.o. taratupa. - this is victory easy 397 taratupa to w9643. we're reading you and standing by. - hello. taratupa? i've got a mrs. christopher and a little miss christopher waiting to talk to daddy. [click] - hello, dear. hello? how are you, darling? are you well? - hi, honey. yeah, i'm fine. i hope you're well, too. but listen, we haven't got much time. could you put the baby right on? - of course, darling. that was your daddy, dear. say "daddy." talk to daddy, honey. sweetheart, talk to daddy. - yeah, honey. daddy's waiting. say it. dad...dy. - d-a-d-d-y. - darling, talk to daddy. come on, honey. say "daddy."

- da-da. [static] - come on, honey. - [speaking japanese] - please, darling. your daddy is waiting. say "daddy." "daddy." - [speaking japanese] - dad...dy. please, honey. please. - come on. say "daddy." talk to daddy. - daddy. come on, honey. - come on. - daddy. [loud squealing] - can't you get through? - it's the nips for sure, jamming the whole dial. i can't get nothing. - but i've got to hear my kid! - shh! well, keep working on it, will you? and hurry. carpenter will be coming back. [squealing continues] - help! oh, help! save me! won't someone save me? - here. what is going on? [gunshots] - i order you to stop!

stop, you fiend! stop! ooh! ooh! sir, i'm sorry. are you all right, sir? - never mind me! i don't know what that sailor sees in that woman, but go after them! - yes, sir! - wait a minute. why aren't you at your post? - oh, sir, that poor little nurse. you should have seen that sailor. she was screaming. - watch your language. that poor little nurse? i thought that poor little nurse looked like she eded a shave. - let me take this. - here you are, sir. look out, sir! [machine gun firing] - hello, honey. this is your daddy. say "daddy." come on! - right now, i'd settle for a "goo-goo." - how dare you hand me a loaded gun! follow me! - we've got to shove off. come on. let's go. - but i've got to hear my kid! - come on. let's go. come on. let's go. take the other windows. take the other windows. let's go. shh! shh! shh! shh! shh! shh!

look, look. we'd better split up and meet over at the-- - at the brig. is that the word you're looking for? fall in! i said in, not out! - all right, nurse bell, you and your boyfriend, go! go! - trespassing on government property. operating a military radio illegally. disobeying the commanding officer's orders. luring an officer of the guard from his post. and finally, impersonating a nurse in a combat zone. this is going to be a fun court-martial. - sir, you can't take it out on the whole crew. - they did it just to help me, sir. - is that what they did? get back in line. - now, captain, as commander of the 73, sir, i insist on taking full blame and responsibility. - blame and responsibility, mchale? how about guilt? we don't like to break up a set, you know. [telephone rings] now, then-- - oh, sir. the phone is ringing.

i'm not taking any calls. - sir, it's the scramble phone from com-fleet. - killjoy. binghamton here. oh, yeah. yes. yes, admiral. yes. the jamming has been getting worse, admiral. yes. oh. well, we here at taratupa think it's a distinct pleasure and a privilege, admiral, that you would select us to knock out the nip jamming station. we...yes. and may i say, admiral-- oh, i may not? yes, sir. thank you. all crews? well, i know it's important, admiral, to send out all available boats, but you see, sir, i've just got the 73 crew up on... 7...thank you, sir. aye-aye. carpenter... you will order all pt boats out to locate and destroy the enemy jamming station immediately. - aye-aye, sir.

i presume that means the 73 boat, too? - yes, the 73. the 73. [men cheering] knock it off! you're still facing court-martial and the brig when you get back, and don't you forget it. - we won't forget it, sir. i'm going to tie a string around my finger. - christy, watch out! you almost hit that floating log, boy. - i'm sorry, skip. i guess my mind's about 6,000 miles away. - i know, boy. look, why don't you take a break? chuck, take over for him, will you? - ah, don't let it get you down. - skip, i'm getting something. those nips are back on the air again. bearing 273 degrees. - bearing 273? then that's where they're at! they're on that island. boys, prepare to make a landing.

there's still no sign of them. doggone it. all right, boys. take 5. - boy, wait till i get my hands on that nip transmitter. can you imagine that? keeping christy's daughter from saying "da-da" to her daddy. i'm telling you, i'm so mad i could... - put that grenade away, would you, chuck? - yeah? well, it's... uh, skip, i lost something. - what? - the pin. you know, it goes in here. - i know where it goes. throw it! it's a live one! - is that an order? - that's an order! throw it! - all right. you're wasting government property, though. - throw it! - [speaking japanese] - hey, chuck, you found the nips! come on, boys! let's go! - hey, the nips took off! - hey, let's go get them, skip! - hold it. hold it, boys. hold it. ah, it's too late. let them go. we got what we came for anyway. - hey, there she is. - hey, how about that?

- now i'm going to get me a nip jamming station. ok, everybody back. - all right, hold it. hold it, chuck. hold it. hold it, will you, chuck? stop it with those grenades, huh? - well, we got orders to blow it up. and after all, what they did to christy. - i know. i know. but... say, now. i just got a hot flash here. willy, we could reach stateside with a shortwave set this powerful, couldn't we? - easy, with a couple of changes. - well, what if, say, at 5:00 tonight, our senor christy hears his little girl say "daddy," courtesy of the nips? - hey, could i, skip? - nah. binghamton will never give us permission. - who says we're going to ask for it? come on. let's go. hey, chuck, what are you looking for now? - oh, i lost a pin. - again? here, let me have that! - wait a minute, skip. - get over here! - i'm trying to tell you, not that pin.

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a prudential spirit of community award. volunteer! roroaching] - hey, somebody's coming. - well, how did it go, skip? - fine. fine. - did you get the boat stashed? - yeah, yeah. as far as anybody else knows, we're not back yet. - hurry it up, will you? it's 28 minutes of 5:00. - i'm trying, but i still have to figure how to make it quit sending that jamming signal. - what's so tough about that? - every cottin-pickin' part is labeled in japanese! - don't let that get you down, boy. fuji and i will translate as we go along. all rightie. what have we got here now? let's see here. um... - [speaking japanese] rf output. - rf output. - hmm. that could be it. - now give her a... [loud squealing] oh, turn it off. there's that blasted jamming signal again. here, let's try this one. - [speaking japanese] - nah. um... - hashinka.

- oh, the oscillator. oscillator. [loud squealing] - ooh! [loud squealing] - i won't rest till i find out why mchale and his men were so anxious to break into that radio shack. - neither will i, sir. it was absolutely disgraceful, resorting to such trickery against a fellow officer in the united states navy. [telephone ringing] - oh, shut up. - sir, the scramble phone is ringing. - the scramble phone is ringing. the scramble phone is ringing. that's all you're good for, is reporting bells. binghamton here. h-h-hello, admiral. yes, sir. oh, you've located the enemy jamming station. well, that's wonderful, admiral. well, there must be some mistake, admiral. yes, sir. 323 degrees by 57 degrees. yes, sir. thank you, admiral.

- yes, sir. here, sir. [loud squealing] 323 degrees... by 57. this is the most ridiculous thing i've ever... mchale's island. [loud squealing] [voices speaking japanese on radio] - they've stopped jamming, sir. - shut up. they said something about mchale. - sofkukido! the power redistributors! that was it, fuji! banzai! banzai! - you hear that? "banzai." it's mchale. he's talking to somebody named fuji. - well, man, it looks like we're in business. - business. that's what they're doing. they've sold out to the nips. carpenter, write everything down. - yes, sir. - oh, this is beautiful. - oh...this...is...beautiful. - not what i say! what they say, you nitwit! - i'm sorry, sir. - hey, skip, i think your voice has been going out on the air. [click] this switch was on.

- never mind. i've got them. i've got them. mchale and his men are traitors. call out the marines. get a firing squad. they may even let me pass out the cigarettes and the blindfolds. - quiet, will you? i got them. they're coming in now. [men cheering] - shh! knock it off. knock it off. [static] - this is w9643 san diego calling ve397 taratupa. - this is victor easy 397 taratupa to w9643. we're reading you loud and clear. here's christy. - hi, honey. gee, i'm awfully sorry we got cut off last night. but, boy, i'm sure glad you tried again tonight. - before anything else happens, darling, you've just got to hear the baby. say "daddy." it's daddy, honey. look. daddy. say "daddy." oh, come on, darling. - say, "hi, da-da." - da-da. [making funny sounds] - talk to daddy.

- yeah. only little "daddy" for uncle quinton. - coochie coochie. that always used to get me. [all making baby sounds] - da-da! - all right. come on. come on. say "daddy." please say "daddy." - shh. - i didn't say anything, sir. shh! - oh, it is bad! condition red! it's binghamton! i go! - oh, what a time for him to show up! - if he finds out we didn't turn that radio in, we're dead. - now christy will never talk to his kid. - come on. please, honey. just one little "daddy." - come on, christy. hurry up. sign off. we've got to dump this radio. [crying] - come on, boys. we'll see if we can head off binghamton. somebody get that curtain. hurry up. come on. let's go.

da-da. da-da. - it was not. it came from over there. - well, i can throw my voice. oh, but you probably don't believe me, just because i lost my dummy. if i had my--watch. say hello, captain. how are you? hey, xxx. what do you say? [indistinct] - get your hands off of me, you maniac. - da-da. da-da. see? fooled you again. - wasn't he terrific, sir? my lips didn't even move. - oh, shut up, or i'll give you a fat lip! that's what i'll give you. what's behind that curtain? - well, now-- - get out of my way! you men cover me. i'm going in. - but, captain-- - aha! da-da oogie boogie, huh? i caught you red-handed talking to the enemy. carpenter, put that down. it must be a code. - yes, sir. da-da goo-goo... was that "oogie boogie," sir? - oogie boogie. - now, captain, if you'll just let me explain-- - you can explain to the court-martial, mchale. i've got you this time. - sir, this is the nip radio. - i knew it. mark it "exhibit b." - exhibit b.

we captured the jamming station, and we borrowed the radio, but just so christy could hear his kid. he hasn't been talking to any enemy. - oh, is that so? let me have that thing? now you hear this, you da-da goo-goo tojo or whoever you are, this is captain wallace b. binghamton speaking, and i'm going to wipe out your entire da-da goo-goo spy ring! what do you say to that, da-da? - da-da. da-da. - oh, she said it! - she said it! - she said it! [cheering] - oh, honey, you said it. oh, darling, she means you. - you made her say it! that's me she's talking about! i'm daddy! i'm daddy! - put me down! - stop that! you men are all under arrest for treason. guards! guards! - oh, now, captain, it certainly isn't treason for a father to want to hear his baby talk, is it? - oh, you were wonderful, captain binghamton. how will i ever be able to thank you?

- well, sure. and none of us could get the baby to talk. you were the only one. - i was the one that got the baby to talk? - how about that? here. you want to try it again, sir? - yes. i made the baby talk. ready? hello, baby. da-da, goo-goo. - da-da. da-da. [cheering] - sir. sir, even if they're not guilty of treason, you can still throw them in the brig for stealing and using captured enemy equipment and also unauthorized use of army wavelength. - you shut up! what's the matter with you? aren't you ashamed of yourself, sneaking up on these men, trying to arrest them and everything? - but, sir, these notes-- you told me to take them. - don't you trust anybody? you throw those notes away. he's a terrible person. - yes, he is. - tell me, what is the little doll's name? - well, we're all her godfathers, so let's see, it would be... - christina... - charlene... - leslie... - willomena... - tinka... - virginia... - hettie... - and quintilla. - aha. yeah. and wallacina? - wallacina? that's the most ridiculous name for-- - ridiculous that we didn't think of it ourselves.

- oh. ha ha. well, how about it, christy? ok with you? - ok, skip. wallacina. - ha ha ha. wallacina. - wallacina. yeah. hello there, little wallacina. huh? da-da goo-goo da-da. - da-da. da-da. [cheering] ouou say. ok. it's been real nice talking to you, and i'll write to you tomorrow. - you've talked to your wife long enough. let me talk to the baby. - i'm awfully sorry, but it's getting late. we have to sign off. it's the baby's bedtime. - well, i'll get her to say "bye-bye." [all shouting] - all right! all right! come on now!

- hello, baby. it's daddy binghamton, baby. say "bye-bye." say "bye-bye," honey. that's an order. - maybe it needs more juice. - bye-bye. da-da. bye-bye. - chuck, no! - who's responsible for this outrage? carpenter, you arrest them! they tried to kill me! - no, no, no. wait a minute, captain. it was just an accident. - an accident, my foot! it was a trap! - wait a minute, captain. you're forgetting the "bye-bye, deedee." - i'll bye-bye your deedee for you! - no, no, no. wait a minute. wait a minute, captain. listen! listen! - da-da. da-da. o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o. i'm mister ed. a horse is a horse, of course, of course

that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous mister ed la cucaracha, la cucaracha ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha la cucaracha, ala di, di, di... whee! ed. nobody home. you and that silly boomerang. i told you not to disturb me. you're working too hard, wilbur. let's have some fun. i can't. this is the most important assignment i ever had. if mr. foster likes these sketches, i could become an executive in his company. even an executive takes a coffee break. but not a boomerang break.