[ giggling ] ...with elinor donahue, billy gray,

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betty! betty! betty, i need you in the kitchen. betty, i need some potatoes peeled. in a minute, mother! i need you now! i'm halfway there already. bud. bud, you haven't emptied the wastebasket yet. i'm practically there already. kathy, you may start setting the table.

bud! i'm on my way. i got to finish doing something first. by all means, get that important work done. hi, dad. you home? no, i'm in ethiopia hunting wild goats. look, i know i shouldn't bother you when you're so busy, but if you'll just slow down for a minute, i'd like to say something. margaret: bud, betty! can't come now, mom. dad's keeping us here. what are you doing to my workers? i'm not doing anything, and neither are they. look at them. i hope they don't get nervous breakdowns from overwork. i'm talking to you, too, princess. oh, hello, father. daddy, why don't little fish swim backwards? i don't know, and don't change the subject. your mother's been calling for a little help, and none of you have moved. we said we'd be right there. you said it, but you didn't do it. we need a little more action around here.

don't you kids realize that the habits you form here at home are the ones you're gonna take with you into your community life? a good citizen doesn't shirk his duty. he does his share to help others. and what's more, he doesn't have to be asked a hundred times. he volunteers willingly and cheerfully. is that clear? mother, do you believe elizabeth taylor's waistline is only 19 inches? kathy, will you lead us in our closing pledge? under the sign of the wigwam, we, the little squaws of america, pocahontas tribe, district 19, pledge our hearts and our minds to blaze a trail of goodness and to help others along the way. [ ululating ] that's fine. kathy, that's enough. now, girls, let's be sure and remember

it goes to a poor family in town who needs our help very much, so let's all bring in our bundles of old but usable clothing tomorrow morning. gee, mrs. davis, do we have to? marcia, the spirit of giving comes from the heart. you do it because you want to, not because you have to. it's purely a matter of volunteering. and you do it willingly and cheerfully. did you say "vol_nteering"? that's right, kathy. you know what that means, don't you?

mommy, i'm leaving! margaret: all right, angel. come right home after school. but, really, i didn't touch the suit. now, what would i want with one of your suits? well, i know i hung it there. i'm positive. i took it out of the -- could i be losing my memory?

oh, don't worry. it'll turn up someplace. what's the matter? isn't it all right? it doesn't have any holes. oh, kathy, it's wonderful. your father must be a very generous person. yes, ma'am. this will be quite a surprise. [ sadly ] yes, it will be. well, say, now. say, now! hey, edna, look at this! yeah, look at this! are you sure these things came from the little squaws? [ chuckles ] oh, will, i never thought this would happen to us -- wearing castoffs and -- oh, now, now, honey, we've got to keep our spirits up. we'll get something. at least now i'll look presentable

[ chuckles ] pretty good fit, huh? not bad. tailored for jamee anderson, 607 south maple. [ chuckles ] pretty fancy, huh? peanut butter and jelly. i don't know why you kept on wearing the old thing anyway. well, some suits have a certain feel to them, give a man a sense of confidence. i'll never get another one to hang on me like that one did. i hope not. i feel as though i've lost an old friend. hey, dad, i just been to a junior hi-y meeting, and there's something i got to check with you. how much will it cost me? nothing. that's good. yet. our annual father-and-son banquet comes up next week, and, well, they have entertainment and stuff like that, see? uh-huh. and they needed somebody to head up the entertainment committee. nobody said anything, then i remembered what you said about volunteering, so i raised my hand. you too?

oh, i'm for it, son, 100%. that was the whole idea of the talk. go to it, boy. then i'll call up joe phillips and tell him it's all set. good. i'm glad to see bud take an active part in things. he's a little apt to sit back and let the others do it. what amazes me is you try and try to get a point over to the kids, you swear they're not paying any attention at all, and then a few days later -- joe? this is bud. you home? yeah, i'm home. i always like that intelligent conversation he and joe have. yeah, well, dad said he was for it 100%, so put him down as head of the entertainment committee. i'll see you tomorrow, joe. bye. wait, bud! don't hang up! already hung up. something you wanted to ask him? no, there's something i want to ask you. what's this about me? i thought you volunteered. i did. i volunteered you. see, for these banquets, the dads always head the committees. well, look, can't you, uh...un-volunteer me? if everyone will do his part willingly and cheerfully... all right, all right. bud, take these upstairs, will you?

try unbuttoning your shirts before you take them off. okay, mom. dad, who do you think you're gonna get to entertain at the banquet? well, um...how about marilyn monroe, bing crosby, betty grable, the ritz brothers, roy rogers, and trigger? that'd be swell. i'm so glad you approve. you know, this will be a better program than oli zeigler's dad got off last year. and they all said nobody would ever top that. dad, how soon you gonna know if all these people can come? oh, look, bud, in the first place -- better know pretty soon 'cause we got to get the names printed in the programs. bud, i -- well, i got to go upstairs, do some homework. night, dad. good night. sure was keen of you to volunteer.

[ tires screeching ] [ crashing ] [ indistinct conversations ] jim: the good citizen doesn't shirk his duty. he does his share to help others. [ thinking ] oh, somebody will want me to be a witness.

besides, nobody's asked me to be one. and what's more, the good citizen doesn't wait to be asked. he volunteers willingly and cheerfully. man: oh, miss! would you wait a minute, please? i didn't really see any of it, hardly. i just -- i-i sure could use a witness. wouldn't you just give me your name? i'm sorry. why, yes. i always believe one should do one's duty willingly and cheerfully. so i said i would. witness? what do you mean you have to be a witness? well, just that, father. see, i was coming home from the library. as i crossed oak street, these two cars bumped into each other. what two cars? the two cars in the accident. oh, that helps a lot. was anyone hurt? no. some woman was driving one of the cars, and the other one was driven by greg. well, who's greg? greg patterson. mother, he has the most wonderful brown eyes you've ever seen.

a senior in college, but i never met him. mother, his eyes are actually penetrating but actually! you should never have gotten involved in this, betty. well, i started to walk away, and then i remembered what father said about good citizens always volunteering. [ coughing ] so without a moment's hesitation, i marched right back and volunteered to help, thinking only of my civic duty. you should never have stopped. no, she did the right thing, margaret. as an insurance man, i know how difficult it is to get witnesses in these cases. i'm glad you did it, betty. it was your duty. i'm worried, father. i don't know how to be a witness. what do you do first? you cross your legs, don't you? only in cartoons. i don't think you'll have to go to court, but if you ever do, just tell the truth, that's all. well, that's the trouble. see, greg asked me if i saw the woman go through the red light, and i said yes, and he put that down. well, that's all right if that's the way it happened. but after i got to thinking about it, i couldn't remember whether it was red or green. i don't even remember seeing a traffic light.

[ telephone rings ] how i remember those deep brown eyes. hello? yes, this is he. oh, hello, mrs. paisley. i'm sorry to disturb you at this hour, mr. anderson, but these things are always such a beastly nuisance to me. and you handle them so beautifufuy. that's right, the left-front fender and the grille. uh-huh. tell me, mrs. paisley, did this by any chance happen at the oak street intersection? oh, just psychic, i guess. wait, don't tell me. was his name greg patterson? oh, that's nothing. i can even tell you what color eyes he has. i didn't notice his eyes, but i got his license number. oh, it was his fault, naturally. and we can prove it, too,

do you, uh...have any idea who that girl might be? i didn't have a chance to find out. this -- this patterson person whisked her away in his car while i was examining my bumper. we've got to locate her. well, we may be able to find her. you'd better come in tomorrow morning and make out a full report. all right, mrs. paisley. goodbye. now -- n-now, father, it was really your fault. i wouldn't have stopped if it hadn't been for your lecture. yes, and that's the last lecture i ever give. i make one little suggestion, and look what happens -- i'm head of an entertainment committee, i lose my best suit, and now i'm involved in an accident case against my best client! oh, will i ever learn to keep my big mouth shut?

all right, mr. potter, we'll see what we can find for you. thanks. you think it might be soon? can't tell. oh, wait. you should have put down some references. uh...references? i see you're fairly new in town, but you should list at least one local business acquaintance. yes, one -- one business acqu-- that's right. uh... [ clears throat ] put down my good friend james anderson. okay. address? 607 south maple. 607 south maple. phone? it's in the book. [ chuckles ] i never can remember numbers. anderson. is that the anderson who's the wholesale grocery distributor? that's him. he's one of the biggest distributors of jelly and peanut butter that i know.

it's almost lunchtime, and you eat too many of them anyway. i don't eat so many. mostly i just lose them. is father home yet? no. and put your sweater where it belongs. mother, i've done nothing all morning but worry about the trial. if i testify for greg, father's insurance company will lose, but if i testify for father, i'll betray poor greg, and he has such beautiful eyes. you can't just testify any way you want to. you've got to tell the truth. oh, that. will they put you in jail? no! who's gonna put who in jail? daddy! oh. hurry up, tell me -- is miss paisley gonna sue? we don't know yet. there seems to be a big difference of opinion as to who entered the intersection first -- mrs. paisley or brown eyes. can you remember who did? uh... think hard now. this is important. i think it was mrs. paisley. well, that's good. [ humming ] or maybe it was greg. oh, fine. well, i know it was one or the other.

well, take your sweater, and get ready for lunch. all right, mother. father, about the intersection, which would be better for greg? betty, trials are not conducted that way. one switch in your testimony and you could be convicted of perjury. can we visit betty in jail? you keep out of this! aw, turn blue. dad, have you got it? got what? the entertainment for the hi-y banquet. oh, that. deadline's this noon. noon? you mean right now? yeah, if i don't get it now, we can't get it printed up in the programs. committee's gonna call you. well, i just haven't had time to do it, bud. you haven't?! gee, dad, you promised. now, look, bud -- seems to me when a fella volunteers for something -- bud, have you washed your hands? not quite. gee, dad, you got to think of something, get somebody. jumping catfish! what are you doing in mom's clothes? you wouldn't understand.

[ doorbell rings ] hello. is this where betty anderson lives? yeah. well, if she's home, could i see her? my name is greg patterson. oh, you're "brown eyes." yeah, i'll tell her you're here. oh, betty, stop dramatizing this thing. you're not mata hari going on trial for her life. i'm only trying to do my civic duty. nobody's gonna believe the testimony of some little snip of a bobby-sockser. hey, tallulah, guess who's here to see you. brown eyes. brown eyes?! oh, they've come for me! i wouldn't faint. it's not as serious as that, dear. what'll i do? well, i'd go in and talk to him. i can't. i just can't. i'll go. i should be handling this business anyway. stop interfering. he didn't ask to see you. hey, dad, have you got some entertainment yet? oh, bud, stop needling me. i have enough problems with betty and greg. well, this was your idea in the first place. you said a good citizen. i know what i said.

uh-oh, that's the committee. what are you gonna tell them? uh... you talk to them, bud. not me. i'm not head of entertainment. well, i'm not, either, but somebody's got to do something. hello? yes, just a minute. you may as well face it, dear. [ sighs ] hey, there's my sandwich! this is just not my day. hello? yes, this is mr. anderson, but i've been so busy, i haven't -- who? state unemployment bureau? no, i don't know anyone by that name. you must have the wrong anderson.

what's the matter, dear? uh...nothing. what did you say? oh, no, no, no! i'm in the insurance business, and i don't know any mr. potter. potter?! daddy, that's the man! yes, this is 607 south maple. daddy, daddy! just a moment, please. kathy, don't i have enough trouble without you pestering me? but, daddy, that's the man -- mr. potter. what man? the man we gave your suit to. so that's it. he's not satisfied with his suit. now he's using my name, too. but, dear, he's probably desperate -- anything to get a job. well, that's all very well -- now, you know a good citizen always does his share to help others willingly and cheerfully. hello. i'm sorry to keep you waiting, but i just found out i do have sort of a connection with this mr. potter.

well, what's his background? oh, it is? uh, tell you what. why don't you have him drop by my office this afternoon? commercial building. fine, thank you. thank you, dear. we'll make a good citizen out of you yet. dad, what about that entertainment? you just got to get somebody! oh, bud, stop worrying. have i ever let you down? well, no. but, gee, dad, they're depending on you. mother, guess what! i'm going with greg! oh, dear, to court? no! to jail? no, to the sierra supper club. odd place for a trial. there's no trial. greg's insurance company's settling that. [ piano playing ] what's that playing? that's a record greg made on his home recorder. he brought it over for me to hear. mother, he's a wonderful piano player! well, i'll have to have a talk with that young man. b-but, father! mother, what's he gonna do? who knows?

[ applause ] ladies and gent-- dads and boys, this is quite a moment for us. edna and i... edna and i played to many audiences everywhere, but... you people here -- i just can't express it, but... it's all in here. and i want you to know that, as long as we live,

and my very, very good friend...

you both have a perfect driving record. no tickets. no accidents... >>that is until one of you clips a food truck, ruining your perfect record. >>yup... now, you would think your insurance company would cut you some slack, right? >>no. your insurance rates go through the roof. your perfect record doesn't get you anything. >>anything. perfect! for drivers with accident forgiveness, liberty mutual won't raise your rates due to your first accident. and if you do have an accident, our claim centers are available to assist you 24/7. for a free quote, call liberty mutual at

you could save up to $509 call today at see car insurance in a whole new light. liberty mutual insurance. ouou could have been there, honey. they wouldn't let the potters off the stage. oh, i bet they were happy. it must have seemed as if they were living again. well, they were. and you know what happened right after the banquet? what? hal leonard signed them up for a tour of army camps. how wonderful. and what a change it made in them. it gave them back their self-respect. i certainly learned tonight how important that is. you must never take that away from a man. and you know something else? that suit of mine never looked better. -- captions by vitac

and jane wyatt. (giggling) with elanor donahue, billy gray, and lauren chapin in father knows best. (upbeat music) (honking) jim: look out! hi, everybody! kathy: hi, daddy! bye, daddy!

remember me? kathy: sure daddy, i could never forget you. jim: how about a kiss to pay for your room and board, and laundry? (laughs) okay, paid. (door slams) hello, honey. what's burning? hello, dear. jim: oh, cornbread. margaret: it's a cake. jim: is it a pancake? margaret: it's a birthday cake! i mean, well at this point i really don't know myself. betty: mother! mother have you seen my - oh hi, father. jim: hi, princess. betty: father! before you say another word, i want you to answer just one question, and i want the truth. am i getting fat? jim: all i can say is there's never too much of a good thing. betty: oh no!

margaret: in simple language, you told her that she was growing into a hippopotamus. jim: i said that? margaret: ralph said she's gaining weight. jim: oooh...why doesn't he mind his own business? (whining) margaret: what can i do with it? aren't you home early? jim: yes, and you'll see why. there's something i want to show you. margaret: what? jim: out in the driveway, something i bought for bud. something he's always wanted. margaret: well that probably means something you want and never been able to have. good heavens! jim: how do you like it? kathy! margaret: oh good gracious, get her! jim: stay here, honey. jim: happy? kathy: hey, let me go! jim: i told you not to touch things! margaret: is she all right? jim: a little oily, but otherwise sound. margaret: kathy, go upstairs, put on a clean dress. kathy: i just put this one on, it's clean except for the dirt. jim: go on with you. better: gosh father, where did you get this? margaret: that's exactly what i'd like to know. jim: i bought it second hand. margaret: but darling, we've got a perfectly good car, why you look ridiculous riding

jim: it's not for me, it's for bud. margaret: bud? you mean that... you're going to give a dangerous toy like that to a boy bud's age? jim: margaret, it's not dangerous, and it's not a toy. look at me, i rode it home from the office, and not one broken bone. betty: gee, this is really something! margaret: you're not going to give that to bud. he's not ready for it. jim: margaret, the boy has to grow up. margaret: not on that thing he doesn't. jim: well i got a terrific bargain. one of the boys at the club put it up for sale, and with a little careful manipulating i got it for a price. betty: how much? jim: well i talked him down to fifty dollars. margaret: fifty dollars? betty: fifty dollars? jim: [read] from left to right, yes fifty dollars. margaret: i could have bought all new curtains for upstairs. betty: i could have taken dr. bixley's reducing course. jim: i could have gotten some new golclubs, but it happens i bought bud a motor scooter instead and that's that. margaret: i'm not going to let you give it to him, jim. jim: but margaret, the boy has to have responsibility. margaret: bud doesn't know the meaning of responsibility. he's a child. betty, go upstairs and get ready for dinner. betty: i want to hear who comes out ahead. jim: betty! margaret, you haven't heard the best part of the whole deal.

jim: i pulled a fast one over on fred heartly. he wanted it for his kid, but i outsmarted him. margaret: by fifty dollars? jim: well you know how fred is, always bragging about getting a bargain on everything. i took it right out from under his nose. it's nearly killing him! margaret: well it's not going to kill bud. you can sell it right back and that's that. betty! betty: okay, now i know the ending. i'll get ready for dinner. jim: margaret, if the poor kid sees it and then we tell him he can't have it, it'll break his heart. margaret: he doesn't have to see it. now quick, jim. hide that thing. bud will be back any minute. jim: hide it where? margaret: right in the garage and throw something over it. jim: throw what over it? margaret: oh jim, you're stalling just so he can see it. now hurry up!

jim: poor bud.

margaret: jim, are you sure you hid it carefully? jim: under two blankets, a piece of canvas, and the lawnmower. margaret, i'm making one last appeal.

and it's going back in the morning. betty. is it polite to read at the table? betty: there's no use in my even sitting down, all i'm having is a piece of lettuce. kathy: rabbits get fat on lettuce. ha ha ha, betty's a rabbit. margaret: kathy, be quiet. wait for the rest. (door slams) bud: sorry i'm late, say, you should have been with me, claude [unintelligible] that she never came home. hi, dad. jim: hello, son. well were you out today on your broken down old bike? bud: no, i loaned it to joe phillips to deliver his papers. say dad... have you thought any more about getting me a motor scooter? jim: why yes, i - that is, i've thought about it a little. margaret: bud, eat your dinner, and don't worry your father about motor scooters. bud: okay... but if i had one i could get a lot of extra jobs around like delivering and stuff. jim: you see, margaret? kathy (singsong): i know a secret! i know a secret!

jim: what were you going to say, kitten? kathy: i can't tell. jim: oh, that's a new twist. betty: i got it! why it's miraculous! jim: what is? betty: this is a book on handwriting analysis, and i just analyzed yours, and it actually works! jim: how did i do? betty: well the curly qs on your r show that you have a b+ personality. jim: just b+? maybe i can work up to an a if i watch my curly qs. kathy: what's a curly q? margaret: eat. kathy: if i eat will i find out? betty: according to professor steiden, b+ is far above average. jim: that's me! betty: i'll read on. this is fascinating! kathy: bud... bud: what is it, shrimp? kathy: will you do me a favor after dinner? bud: what kind of a favor? kathy: get my roller skates. margaret: well you not going roller skating, it'll be too late. kathy: i don't want to skate, can't i just have them? jim: let her have them, margaret.

where are they? kathy: out in the garage. jim: bud, get your sister's skates. margaret: bud! stay right where you are. there'll be no roller skating after dinner young lady. betty: listen! "your handwriting reveals that you are the type "who rules this family with an iron hand, "and always gets his way." jim: betty... betty: what? jim: the professor who wrote that book must be a bachelor, take it back. betty: jamie has just got to see this book! (door slams) kathy: gee that was a good dinner. you're the best cook in the whole world.

kathy: mommy, why do little girls play house? margaret: because...well it's instinctive with them. kathy: what's that? margaret: it... jim...explain it to her. jim: huh? margaret: kathy asked me why little girls play house. i said it was instinctive. explain to her what instinctive means. jim: well instinct is something that comes naturally. there, that explain it? kathy: why don't little boys play house? jim: well that's a silly question. margaret: i think it's a very intelligent question. jim: what's so [unintelligible] intelligent about it? it sounds a little ridiculous to me. margaret: jim! jim: well to tell you the truth margaret, i've never delved into this subject. do you know why little boys don't play house? margaret: well it...kathy, time for you to go to bed. kathy: alright. night, daddy. jim: goodnight, sweetheart.

kathy: could i ask for a scooter? margaret: kathy! jim: your mother handles the scooter department. kathy: i'm off to bed, bud. look! chug-chug-chug-beep-beep, margaret: kathy! kathy: chug-chug-chug-chug-beep-beep. margaret: jim... jim: hm? oh, i was just... margaret: darling...the children are all upstairs in their rooms. now is the time for you to call fred heartly and let him have the scooter. jim: oh honey, i just want you to take a look at this thing. did you ever see such a neat little machine?

and the taillight, you know taillights add to safety for night driving. this honey of an engine, imagine one little harmless cylinder, one little piston, one little spark plug - margaret: and one little item that you've completely overlooked. it's not for an irresponsible boy. jim: oh margaret, it's a harmless little machine. margaret: it's a two wheel accident looking for a place to happen. i won't be persuaded, jim. jim: you get on it, margaret. see for yourself. margaret: now you get away from me, jim. jim: oh come on. margaret: jim! go right in the house and phone fred heartly. jim: margaret! i can't understand you. before we were married you used to ride on the handlebars of my bike, now you won't even sit on a scooter. margaret: before a girl is married, she has to take a lot of chances that are no longer necessary afterwards. jim: you mean you didn't enjoy it? margaret: if you will take time to study the construction of a handlebar, you will hardly find it conducive to a girl's...comfort. jim: why didn't you ever tell me?

each other that well then. jim: i never had any idea what you went through to capture me. tell me more. margaret: actually, this is completely off the subject. now jim, we're going to go in that house, and you're going to call fred heartly. jim: no i'm not. margaret: you stop that, jim! now you cover that thing up so that bud can't see it. i'm going to get fred on the phone. jim: margaret, i'll feel like a fool asking fred heartly to buy it after i outsmarted him. margaret: hello, fred? well this is margaret anderson. fine, thank you. fred, jim wants to talk to you. jim: can't we put this off until-

hi, fred. fred: you got a nerve calling after the dirty trick you played on me today. jim: just a little manipulating, fred. in fact that's what i'm calling about. fred: if you're calling to rub it in you can hang up! jim: oh, just the opposite, fred old man, i... i got a twinge of conscience knowing how much you wanted it for that boy of yours. fred: cut the malarky! so what? jim: well i'm going to let you have the scooter, fred old boy. fred: what happened? did it fall apart? jim: no, it didn't fall apart. i just realized it was a selfish move, and you can have it for just what i paid for it. fifty dollars. fred: i'll give you forty. jim: but i paid fifty dollars! hard cash! betty: have you seen my handwriting book? jim: fred, i'll tell you what i'll do. i'll split the difference with you. forty five dollars. how do you like that? i'm doing him a favor and he wants to haggle. betty: father, have you seen that paper i had? jim: oh betty, i'm telephoning. fred, listen to me...

forty two fifty, and that's my last offer. margaret (whispers): how much does he want to pay? jim (whispers): forty dollars. betty: can't anybody leave anything around this house without disappearing? margaret: betty. (whispers) how much did you say? jim: forty dollars! fred: it's a deal! jim: oh fred, i was talking to- fred! fred?! the shark hung up on forty! margaret: well that's better than losing fifty, and i'm happy it's all settled. better: here it is! well goodnight again. jim: betty! betty: yes, father? jim: analyze my handwriting again, and see if it shows i'm a shrewd operator who drives a hard bargain. margaret: i don't have to analyze your handwriting. it's written all over your face.

better: mother...

margaret: betty! isn't that a little extreme for dinner with the family? betty: i'm just trying it on for tonight. how is it? margaret: betty, i think it's a little too... ...well, too. betty: well it's supposed to be. do you think harvey will like it? margaret: frankly, there isn't enough to dislike. i don't seem to remember that dress, dear. betty: jane's aunt loaned it to me. she's so sophisticated! margaret: betty, i don't think it's exactly for you. i think it's a little too old. betty: mother! margaret: well i do. how old is harvey? betty: nineteen. margaret: then i think it's too old for him too. better: mother, harvey's quite sophisticated. jim: margaret, wherefore art thou? margaret: in here, dear. i don't think your father's going to like it. (flute solo) jim: hi, honey. oh how do you do? i didn't mean to- betty! betty: do you like it, dad? tell me the truth. jim: i'll tell you the truth alright, where do you think you're going in that?

margaret: then you better put a turtleneck sweater over it. betty: father, don't be so rectangular. jim: margaret, are you going to let her leave the house in that thing? margaret: well i...i don't especially like it. betty: maybe you'll loan me the bloomers and mini blouse you wore when you were a girl. jim: well your mother looked pretty good to me. betty: father, but this is the twentieth century. jim: margaret, do i seem old fashioned to you? margaret: not in the least. do i to you? jim: no. margaret: then that probably means that we both are and don't recognize it. jim: alright. what's for dinner? margaret: by the way, did you take care of that motor scooter? jim: oh don't mention it, it nearly broke my heart to let that chiseler have it. margaret: oh jim, you only lost ten dollars. jim: i can't help thinking how bud would have loved having it. margaret: well what he doesn't know won't hurt him. jim: i'll have to make it up to him some other way i guess. just to ease my conscience.

bud: mom... oh, hi dad. jim: hello, son. bud: mom, how long before dinner? margaret: it'll be ready in about a half hour. bud: okay. jim: bud! bud: yeah, dad? jim: wait a minute son, i want to talk to you. bud: what did i do? jim: nothing. this is something between you and me. here, i want you to have this. bud: money! jim: twenty dollars. bud: i can't believe it! what's the catch? jim: sometimes your parents want to give you things, but we feel you're not grown up enough. you know, responsible enough. bud: you mean i don't have to wash the car or clean the cellars for the next ten years? jim: no strings. bud: i don't know how to thank you, dad. jim: you can thank us, bud. just prove you know the meaning of responsibilty by the way you handle this money. bud: gee...

kathy: daddy, what did you give bud? jim: bud? oh, some money. kathy: what for? jim: well it's sort of a secret. kathy: a real secret? jim: here's a bright shiny new dime for you. kathy: what do i have to do for it? jim: nothing. what am i around here, simon legree? kathy: you're a wonderful daddy! (upbeat music) kathy: morning, daddy. jim: good morning, kitten. kathy: daddy, do you make as much money in saturdays when you don't work as you do on thursdays when you do work? jim: well let's just say i don't lose any. kathy: daddy, how much money did you give bud yesterday? jim: that's between bud and me.

kathy: a water pistol costs a quarter. jim: alright... here. it's a shakedown. kathy: i didn't ask you for it! margaret: oh! kathy! it's good having you home saturday mornings, darling. makes the weekend seem longer. jim: better than that, it makes the weekdays seem shorter. i wish i could manage it every saturday. mmmm...have you already eaten? margaret: ages ago. bud was up an hour before breakfast. jim: well that's not unusual. margaret: for bud to go without breakfast? jim, you shouldn't have given him all that money yesterday. jim: how do you know? margaret: bud told me. why? does it have to be a secret? jim: no, not actually. but tell me one thing, did kathy know you knew about the money? margaret: well she was right here when bud mentioned it. why? jim: nothing. i just hope she remembers us if she ever decides to hijack fort knox. bud: mom! dad! i got a surprise for you!

jim: won't believe what? bud: out in the driveway, come on! come on, look at it! jim: wait a minute, i haven't finished my breakfast. what's going on here anyway? margaret: oh no! jim: the scooter! bud: isn't it a knockout? jim: right in the shoulder plexus. margaret: so you did give it to him and lied about the whole thing! jim: now take it easy honey, i don't know any more about it than you do. bud: dad didn't give it to me, mom. mr. hartly bought it for his son freddy, only freddy's mother said no. can you imagine a goofy mother like that? jim: your mother has an excellent imagination. go on. bud: well you know that twenty dollars you gave me? i sold my old bike to joe baker for ten, and put it with the twenty and bought the scooter. jim: you bought that for thirty dollars from fred heartly? bud: if he wasn't there i think i could have got it from mrs. heartly for nothing! jim: oh gee honey, you'll have to admit, bud deserves it. anyone who can trim fred heartly. look at it dear, no one can get hurt on it. bud: what's the matter? jim: well bud, i think your mother doesn't approve of the scooter. she's afraid it might be too dangerous.

i'm not a kid! you can't mean it! jim: bud, will you promise your mother to be extra careful while riding it? bud: of course i'll be extra careful, mom. i even stopped off at the police station and got this book on safety rules. that isn't a toy. margaret: it isn't? bud: well of course not, mom. a motor job like that's a responsibility. almost like a car! margaret: bud... that's the first time i ever heard you use the word responsibility in connection with yourself. go ahead and keep it. i'm sure you'll be safe with it. bud: gee mom, you're great! margaret: go ahead and say it. jim: okay.

jim: no no, straighten it, straighten it! that's it! alright, now this way! (honks horn) margaret: oooh! now that was fun! betty: i want to be next! kathy: i want to be next! jim: father's next! bud: my motor scooter... margaret: be careful! don't speed, look out for the trucks. jim: don't worry! bud: think i'll ever get a chance to ride it? jim: why of course, son! it's yours, isn't it? (ending theme)

[ ] - [bus honking] - harold! hold the bus! hurry up! bye, mom, dad! - bye, hazel! - bye! honey, will you call my office and tell ms. stahl i'll be late? - all right. - i wanna drive by the muellers' bake shop and get their signatures on that option. - oh, haven't they signed yet? - mrs. mueller has agreed, but her husband thinks they oughta hang on to that building for another ten years. - it would be worth a whole lot more. - oh. 'course, you know, he's right. oh, hazel, that reminds me, what have you done with the money your nephew sent you? well, i bought a few things i needed,

good. soon as i have a little more time, - i want to talk to you about investing for your old age. - okay, mr. b. darling, as long as you're going by the bakery anyway, would you pick up that dark rye you like so much? no, he don't need to do that. mr. b, i'm going right past there to go to signor antonio's to see my new hand-made shoes i ordered. wait a minute. you mean you ordered shoes from signor antonio? how much? oh, golly mr. b, my arches was killing me! honey, she won't have that money a week. george, it is her money. hazel, if you don't hang on to at least $1,000 of that money to invest, i'll--i'll-- fire me? i'll just deduct $50 a month from your paycheck and invest it for you, and if you don't like it, quit.

can i help you, ms. burke? oh, i'd like a cream puff and coffee here, and i want half a dozen crescent rolls in a freezer bag to take out. oh, and a seven-layer tort, and one of those loaves of dark rye that mr. baxter's so crazy about. no! no dark rye for mr. baxter. why? what's the matter with it? nothing for mr. baxter will i sell from this shop. here, hazel. eat. you are my friend. eat whatever you like, but take out no more. mr. baxter, he should starve to death. i wouldn't sell him a crust of bread for ten millions of dollars! she'll be back! now don't worry! she didn't mean it. mean what? my anna, my wife. 47 years, psh, out of the door. oh, you mean mrs. mueller's left you? i don't believe it! [chortles] the lawyer you work for, that low-life, for weeks ideas he puts into her head. to retire to california, he says.

no! i'm a young man! well, i don't think mr. baxter mean to start any quarrel. shh! don't you mention his name! she'll come back, mr. mueller, don't worry! who is worried? what is she going to do in california? be a movie star? [sniffs] something's burning. oh, mr. mueller, your cheesecake! oh, let them burn! let the whole building burn up! [sighs] who is going to rub her back in california? jack lemmon? now mr. mueller, you gotta pull yourself together. i'm together. but you gotta decide what you're gonna do.

mama wants to retire to california, let her. i send her money. in beverly hills she can live, in a penthouse. but mr. mueller, who'll take care of the books? i get along. she doesn't need me, i don't need her. but you said yourself you had no head for figures. don't you worry! when she finds out i don't need her, she'll come back. by kansas city already, she will be sorry. - but what if-- - in the mean time, i hire someone else. she is smart. you want to make some extra money, hazel? oh, well, i'd be glad to help you, but-- my friend. what did i tell you? don't worry. my friend hazel will do mama's job until she comes back. but don't forget, mr. mueller, i got a full-time job with the-- shh! don't mention his name! well, what i meant was, i can only give you a couple of hours a week. plenty! see, what did she do? i can't get along without mama? i'm the baker! whatever salary you want, it's all right with me. oh, i don't want any salary.

she does not want any pay. i tell you what, i make you a partner. a partner? i'll sell you a quarter interest in my place for $8,000. right today, i turned down your boss' offer for $36,000. is that fair? oh, it's more than fair, but i don't have that kind of money. how much you have? well, i got $1,000. okay! $1,000 cash, and the rest you pay out of the profits, huh? you want to shake on it? just a minute, first i wanna make sure that you're absolutely, positively certain that you won't change your mind about selling. - do i look like a man who changes his mind? - no. i stay right here in this bake shop if mama never comes back! want to shake on it? shake, it's a deal. only i just don't know how i'm gonna explain it to--

hello mr. egan, thanks for calling me back. i got something to tell you. what's the matter? i'm afraid i have rather disappointing news, though. mr. mueller won't sell, and that's that. hazel, how could you?! i've talked to him and his wife several times. yes, well, we tried. i've already started getting options on that other location we talked about. shouldn't take more than three or four days. oh, by all means. you let me know your flight number, and i'll pick you up at the airport. that's right, i'll meet you. well, the sooner you tell him, the better. - but missy-- - go on, tell him. thank you, mr. egan. good-bye. mr. b, i'm glad you and mr. egan ain't too disappointed about mr. mueller turning you down. well, hazel, you learn to take things as they come.

i'd rather not speak about mr. mueller. hazel, do you know that man practically insulted me? oh, but mr. b, mr. mueller don't mean everything he says. what, do you think there's a chance of his changing his mind? well, hazel, what did you hear? it's very important to tell me. if there's half a chance of putting that deal over, i won't go ahead with this other proposition. oh, no, i didn't mean that, mr. b, no. no, i'm absolutely, positively certain he won't sell. oh. otherwise, i wouldn't-a bought a quarter interest in his bakery. you wouldn't have what?! george, she only had to pay 1,000 down, and he's gonna let her make up the rest out of the profits. supposthere aren't any profits? any business is a risk. she should have put her money in annuities, where she'd make money! it'll be all right, darling. i'm sure it will. mr. mueller is a wonderful baker. how is she gonna do her work here

oh, but mr. b, you know i wouldn't let the bakery interfere with my job. i'd never do a thing like that. have you signed a contract? well, i shook hands. and i wouldn't wanna go back on a handshake. well, hazel, there's nothing more i can do and say. i wish you luck and i hope you make a barrel of money. oh, well, that's very sweet of you, mr. b. but if anything goes wrong, don't bring your troubles to me. oh, what could possibly go wrong? [knock, knock, knock] mr. mueller? [knocking continues] signora, your shoes are ready! i'll come back for them!

mr. mueller, why are we closed? what happened? where's sally lou? i phoned her not to come in this morning. my bread doesn't rise. my pie crust, you couldn't cut it with an ax. - i have fever, maybe? - no. - some chills? - no, you feel normal to me. normal, she calls me. i think i better call the doctor. he came in last night. what does he know? nerve medicine, he gives me. i haven't got a nerve in this body. you know what i think? i thought you oughta call mrs. mueller and ask her to come back. never! over my dead body, i call her. well, then you oughta give me her number, and i'll call her. she'd come back in a flash if she knew how you needed her. a lot does she care if i'm dead or alive!

who needs her? you do. huh? and me, too. i got my good money invested in this bakery. and we ain't got nothing to sell, and you not able to bake. i'm better already. a good friend to tell my troubles to, that's all i needed. 47 years, i had someone to talk to when i was working, and now, psh, out of the door! well, uhh, i tell you what. suppose i was to come in for a little while every night and keep you company while you're baking. would you do that, hazel? promise, 2:00 sharp? well, if you promise to take your medicine. i don't need it, but-- for your sake, if it makes you happy, i'll do it. i'm a reasonable man. all right, i'll be here tonight, 2:00 sharp. hazel, you're a good friend. we show mama who needs her! yeah. [weakly chuckles]

signorina! oh, yeah, my new shoes. sit down, signorina, sit down. [laughs] [speaking in italian] [italian continues] [italian continues] look, signorina, like gloves they fit. hmm, like gloves they look. baseball gloves. come, step down, huh?

oh, they feel great, they really do. come on, you walk now. walk. huh? "meh-villosa. esplendida." grazi, grazi, signorina. [speaking in italian] well, i sure can't wear these for dress-up, but it doesn't look as if i'm gonna have much time for dancing. things always work out for the best, i always say. well now, let's see. - george. - hello, darling. - what's the matter? - shh! nothing, nothing. but hazel got her new shoes today, and-- george, if you laugh, i'll never speak to you again. i mean it. laugh? why should i laugh? - promise me. - okay.

hello, hazel. uh, any phone calls? uh-uh. notice anything? my new shoes. oh, yes, you look very-- comfortable. what's the matter, mr. b? you lost your sense of humor? shopping for an suv? well, this is the time. and your ford dealer is the place, to get 0% financing for 60 months on a ford suv. that's right. just announced. ford explorer...edge...escape... and expedition... are available with 0% financing for 60 months. ford suvs. designed to help you be unstoppable. no wonder ford is america's best selling brand. but hurry, 0% financing for 60 months on ford suvs is a limited time offer.

mueller: a letter again, from my daughter. but not a p.s. even from mama.

not even a stamp. oh, but she's bluffing. she'll come back. mr. mueller, them pies ain't got no crust! oh, good morning, hazel. morning. thanks for getting my paper for me. you're up kind of early this morning, aren't you? oh, yes, kind of. well, as long as you are, how about a cup of coffee?

and if it isn't too much trouble, i could eat a couple of scrambled eggs. oh, no, no trouble. oh, it's a glorious part of the day, isn't it, hazel? i think i'm gonna start getting up early every morning. mueller: four days already, and not even a postal card. retire, she says. let's enjoy what we have, she says. we are not as young as we used to be, she says. who ain't? me. [yawning] i won't be home till late tonight, hazel, so better plan dinner for 7:30. - okay. - let's have stuffed pork chops, okay? and it's just possible george may bring mr. egan home with him, in case they close that deal this afternoon. hazel, i'm worried about you.

no. do i look skinnier? well, it's all right to cut down, hazel, but you shouldn't even try to lose more than two pounds a week. you eat some breakfast. and take a nap this afternoon. i was planning on that. [phone rings] oh, it can't be noon already. can't have slept that long. [phone continues ringing] [clears throat] baxter residence. oh, hi, mr. b.

well, it must be a bad connection. i can hear you all right. oh--what? yeah, meet mr. egan at the airport. yeah, okay. what time? 3:00? all right, mr. b, i will. yeah. okay. bye. [alarm ringing] [phone ringing] announcer: this station will go off the air for four minutes, during the testing of our alert system.

[barking] [car horn honking] [honking continues] [honking continues] [honking continues] [doorbell rings] mueller: hazel, it's me, mr. mueller! [mumbling] take your medicine. [yawning]

oh, hazel, where's mr. egan? uh, uh, uh-- wasn't he on the plane? hazel, why didn't you call and tell me something happened? do you realize i kept seven people waiting for him to show up? - well, uh-- - oh, hazel, i'm very angry with you. you know how hard i've worked on this deal. why, after disappointing these people, some of them may change their mind about selling! why don't you answer me? where's mr. egan? what happened? - well, uh, i-- - [doorbell rings] i'll get it. oh, uh, here, this must be for you. somebody shoved it under the back door. oh, boy.

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oh, mr. egan! i thought somebody was going to meet me. i, uh, i-- i waited and waited and waited at that airport for three-quarters of an hour! i, uh, i-- i finally took a cab, and when i got to the meeting, - you'd all left. - i--

- i'm getting myself another boy. - i-- - hi, mr. egan. - hello, hazel. i'm sorry i got everything snarled up, not meeting you at the airport, but it's lucky i didn't. - right, mr. b? - lucky?! sure. you wouldn't wanna sign with them other people when you got the mueller bake shop. here's that power of attorney you've been waiting for, mr. b. why, this is wonderful news, george. i'm sorry if i seemed a trifle upset. you better look it over, see it's okay. how'd you ever convince mueller that he ought to sell? well, when mr. mueller decided his wife wasn't gonna change her mind, he finally realized that he had to change his, so he packed up and went off to california. right, mr. b? yes, i-i guess that's about what happened. well anyway, here's the power of attorney permitting me to transfer the property over to you at the terms we agreed upon. yup, and properly signed by both partners, you see?

why don't you and mr. b go io the living room and i'll whip you up some of them little cheese puffs you like. hazel. are those contour shoes that you're wearing? yeah. they ain't much on looks, but boy, are they comfortable. so i've heard. i'd like to try a pair. i'll take you down to signor antonio's tomorrow. he's a real artist. oh, that's very kind of you, hazel. oh, no trouble. i was going there anyway. i'm gonna order me a pair in white to go with my summer uniforms. i'd sure appreciate it. they're pretty expensive, but they're worth every penny of it. i feel like i can afford 'em now, since i made that terrific investment last week. 100% on my money. [ ]

[ ] what in the world are the baxters going to do in the middle east? oh, well, you see mr. griffin has a big oil deal goin', and he wants mr. b to handle it for him. i just can't believe it. how long will they be gone? well, i don't know exactly, but a couple of months at least. [phone rings] baxter residence. oh, hi, gracie. yup, it's true. well, the baxters left last night. they ought to be in baghdad tonight.

well, i'm gonna be staying with mr. b's brother. yeah. i'll call you just as soon as i get settled. bye, gracie. well, i locked the garage. is there anything else i can do for you, hazel? no, i'm all set. i'm just waitin' for harold to come down. we're gonna miss you, hazel. the sunshine girls just won't seem the same. oh, for pete's sake, myrt, i ain't leavin' the country. as a matter of fact, i've been wondering about that. after all the years of service that you've given to mr. and mrs. baxter, i'm rather surprised that they've just tossed you aside like this. don't worry, rosie, i could have gone if i wanted to, but i wanted to stay here with harold. and that's another thing-- why didn't they take harold with them? well, he couldn't miss any of his schooling. he would have missed a whole semester. hi, hazel. hi. hey, harry, you're supposed to be on duty. what are you doin' here? i'm here representin' the fellas

the chief gave me special permission because you've done so much for us. oh, i ain't done nothin'. i wanna present you with this helmet, makin' you an honorary member of hook and ladder company number nine. oh, thanks, harry. won't it seem funny working for a stranger? a stranger, mr. b's brother? oh, he's like one of the family. is he married? oh, yeah, he's got the sweetest wife barbara and the cutest little girl. hi, everybody. hi, harold. i'm all ready to go, hazel. did you remember your toothbrush? yes. good boy. and combing brush? yes, and last night's pajamas. good boy. can i hold the fireman's hat? i knew you were gonna get it. well, i guess we're all set. i just can't believe it. oh, barney, for pete's sake, we ain't goin' to the moon. i guess we better call your uncle steve

honey, what are you doing? you don't have to clean up. hazel's coming. i don't want her to see the house looking like this. - [phone rings] - i'll get it! hello? oh, hi, hazel. i put some flowers in your room. yes, he is. just a minute. daddy, hazel wants to speak to you. oh, she probably wants to know what time i'm gonna pick them up. tell her late this afternoon. i wanna wash the windows. hi, hazel. are you getting packed? uh, mr. baxter? oh, well, we're all packed. we're all ready to leave. oh, well, i'd planned to pick you up later this afternoon. oh, no, you don't have to do that. a friend of mine's giving us a lift. we'll be there in about an hour. bye. uh, hazel? hello? hello? she'll be here in an hour. oh, no. oh, swell. i haven't scrubbed the kitchen yet. harold and i'll be able to play before lunch.

now, simmer down, both of you. susie, you go outside and play. i wanna talk with your mother. a secret? not exactly, honey, but it doesn't concern you. i'll sure be glad when harold gets here. we're going to have secrets, and we're never going to tell anybody. barbara, hazel's coming, not the inspector general. oh, but she's such a fabulous-- barbara, relax. i've known hazel since i was a kid. she's a maid, that's all. she's just the best maid in the whole world. now, who told you that? well, you did. the last time we had dinner with george and dorothy. all right, she's a fantastic cook and housekeeper, but that doesn't mean you have to change your way of doing things. honey, it only means you're going to have some help with this big, old house. okay? that's true. all right. steve, promise me you won't change after hazel gets here? me change? now, why should i change? well, you remember what you said about george.

after hazel started working for him. he didn't know how to handle hazel. i do. how? well, i intend to be firm with her. patient, but very firm. the minute she steps out of line, i clamp down. it may come as a shock to hazel, but she'll adjust when she discovers who's boss. i suppose. [phone rings] hello? oh, hi, millie. yes, he's right here. hi, millie. what's cookin'? good morning, mr. baxter. yes, a man and his wife came in looking for a house to buy. oh, sure, they're right here, uh, mr. and mrs. robert dunlap. robert dunlap, the millionaire? the millionaire? oh, millie, you didn't say that right out loud to him, did ya? she did say it right out loud to him. he walked out, right? he's still there. millie, i'll be right over.

oh, bless that millie.

hi, millie. hi, mr. baxter, this is mr. and mrs. dunlap. the millionaires. oh, i'm, uh, i'm sorry about that. oh, don't be. that's one of the happier words in the language. now, "ex-millionaire," there's a sad one. well, i don't think i have to be concerned for myself either way. please, sit down. thank you. well, what can i do for you this morning? well, we're looking for a house. with a nice garden. and room for a pool table. and extra bedrooms in case the grandchildren decide to stay over. you know, we've seen our grandchildren for the first time in two years. we've been living in europe. it was nice, but it'll never take the place of grandchildren. do you have any listings in the evergreen heights area? uh, well, as a matter of fact i have. the houses are quite large in that section, but i-- we know the area.

we loved it. we should never have sold the place. well, how about it? you wanna show us what you have? oh, fine, fine. my car is right out front. the houses are both empty, so we can go right in. oh, that's a bad sign. been on the market for a long time? well, a little while. white elephants, huh? oh, i wouldn't say that. it's just that they're quite large. and expensive? yes. well, we'll take a look. good. i suppose i shouldn't expect to buy a white elephant with peanuts. lady, you're speaking to the greatest elephant salesman of all time. they leave the worst tracks of anybody. i may have sold the bundy house. you're kidding! nope, mr. and mrs. robert dunlap seem to think it's just what they want. well, come in, oh great elephant salesman of the north.

for this rare, white pachyderm? 60,000. oh, steve, the commission on that would be-- uh, 3,000 bucks. we'll buy a piano. wait a minute. the dunlaps won't make their decision until this afternoon. uh, and besides, we don't play the piano. we'll give susie lessons. i wanted to play the piano all my life. honey, somewhere your logic breaks down. if we get a hunk of cash like that, it's going right back into this house. we managed to trade our way into it, - but we still have a beaut of a mortgage. - [bells clanging] what's that noise? what is it? oh, hi! hi, aunt barbara, uncle steve. hi, susie! it's hazel and harold! it sure is.

well? i told her. where is she? she said she'd be in as soon as she puts on her uniform. now, you understand what we're gonna do? we're gonna lay down the law. we'll establish right from the beginning just who's boss and what we expect from her. yes, dear. you know, i really have to laugh at george, and the way he let her dominate him. it'll never happen here. now, look, one more thing. i wanna establish-- shh! here she comes. well, i just took a look in the refrigerator. i didn't have time to clean it. oh, for pete's sake, it looked perfect to me, but i noticed you had some baked ham. i thought maybe you'd like some--an omelet for lunch? [laughs] oh, oh, that'd be fine. uh, did you get all settled, hazel? yes, pretty well. i wondered if i could stow my scuba diving gear

oh, uh, that'll be all right. well, of course, i'll put my spear way up where the kids can't get it. good, good. who does your hair? i do. oh, you do a terrific job. i'll help you next time if you want me to, like i did missy. oh, i noticed there was a fresh bottle of vitamin pills over the sink. who takes them? uh, steve--uh, mr. steve. uh, mr. baxter is going to start taking them. you got a condition? what do you mean, have i got a condition? well, i mean, is that why you have to take the pills, and do i have to watch your diet? certainly not. i'm just run-down a little, that's all. now, hazel, we asked you in the living room so we can establish some ground rules for our relationship. oh, that's a good idea. mr. b and i did that right after he married missy. good, good. yeah, well, of course thursday's my day off, and then i like enough time off on sunday to go to church. oh, well, that's fine, fine.

oh, well, breakfast is at seven, and i like everybody to be at the table on time, 'cause there ain't nothin' worse than a cold breakfast. fine. now, for lunch-- well, lunch is 12:15 on the dot, and that'll give susie and harold time to get home from school. you take your lunch home? well, sometimes. uh, my office is just in the next block, so i-- - oh, what about customers? - hmm? well, you have to give me at least half an hour's notice if you're gonna bring customers home for lunch. oh, we don't have to do that. i was just-- dinner's at 6:30, and you can have as many guests as you like, 'cause i like snappy conversation while i'm serving. oh, what time do you have? oh, it's, uh, 11:45. oh, for pete's sake, i'm slow. i gotta start lunch. oh, uh, mr. baxter, if i think of any more rules, i'll let you know. well, what do you think?

dad says hazel's the best cook in the whole world. i wonder how he likes the food in baghdad. we'll have to ask him when he calls tonight. i brought your vitamin pills, mr. baxter. thank you, hazel. hazel, this omelet is delicious. how do you get it to rise so? oh, well, i just beat up the whites, you know, good and stiff, and then i just ease in the yolks. there are your vitamin pills. thank you, hazel. you can just wash 'em down with this water. thank you very much. it says on the label you should take two a day. yes. i'll just, uh, take 'em out of the bottle for ya. susie, you ain't drinkin' your milk. i will, hazel. now, there's your pills, mr. steve. hazel, i'm not a child. i will take my pills when i'm good and ready to take them. now, i would like a little more coffee, please. yes, sir. thank you. i'll get the pot.

that is the most infuriating woman. that's what dad always says. not a word from anybody. all gone? all gone. i'd like a little more coffee now, please. what about you, mrs. baxter? uh, no, thank you, hazel. [whispering] steve, that was a silly thing to do. [whispering] it's a matter of principle. i will not be pushed around by that woman. but those vitamins are for your own health. well, now, what difference can it make if i start taking them tomorrow instead of today? hazel will find out, uncle steve. harold, she can't possibly find out. now, let's change that subject, all right? yes, sir. the dunlaps, when are they gonna let you know about the house?

[normal volume] oh, boy. they said sometime this afternoon. i have to go back to the office as soon as i finish my coffee. you know, i really think this deal is going through. i'm practically counting my commission. 41, 42, 43, 44, 45... hi, millie. any calls? oh, hi, mr. baxter. yes, freddie mills called. he wants me to go to the movies with him tonight. fine. anyone else? harvey pierce. i wouldn't go out with him if he were the last man on earth. then don peters called. millie, i'm glad you have a full social life, but were there any calls for me? not a thing, mr. baxter. 942, 943... so we called her in the living room, and i explained exactly what was expected of her-- meal schedules, things like that. as long as we keep a tight reign on her, hazel will work out fine. i remember when you told me what my duties were on this job. you looked so serious! boy, i was scared.

well, i didn't mean to scare you, or hazel either, but i do believe an employee should know exactly what's expected of her. oh, sure. otherwise a person won't know what she can get away with. - that isn't what i had in mind, millie. - [phone rings] baxter realty. who's calling, please? just a moment. is it dunlap? it's hazel. oh, gosh. ask her what she wants. could i take a message? this is millie ballard. i work here after school and on saturdays. nice meeting you, too, hazel. will you ask her what she wants, please? he wants to know what you want. she wants you to come home and take your vitamin pills. what makes her think i didn't take them? why do you think he didn't take them? counted the whole bottle?! she says it's a new bottle, and it still has exactly a thousand pills in it. oh! i won't tolerate this! tell her i forbid her to call me at the office. hi, hazel. he says he forbids you to call him at the office.

mm-hmm. oh, that was sneaky! right back in the bottle? millie, please. now-- mr. and mrs. dunlap! come in! well, we talked it over during lunch. yes, yes? okay, hazel, i'll tell him. hazel says-- millie, please don't interrupt. but hazel says-- i don't care what hazel says. i'm sorry, mr. dunlap, you were saying? well, we like the house, steve. the high ceilings remind me of our old place. so roomy. well, good! good! and the grounds are beautiful. that lawn-- isn't that lovely. a gorgeous lawn. oh, fantastic. what a fine putting green, huh? uh, but-- say, if you play golf, there's a course less than 15 minutes away. it was finished about six months ago. oh, excuse me. uh, here are your vitamin pills, mr. baxter. hazel, for pete's sake! you must be millie. would you mind getting him a glass of cold water? sure, hazel. glad to.

oh, you must be the dunlaps. i was hearing all about you at lunch and about the wonderful old house you're buying in your old neighborhood. uh, well, we were thinking about it. but, steve, you didn't give me a chance to finish. we have decided against it. against it? but you said that-- yes, i know, it's a great house. it's a lovely house, reminds me of our old house. well, then why-- here's your water, hazel. oh, thanks, millie. now, come on, take your pills. not now, hazel. go on and take them, mr. baxter. he's got a condition. hazel! take them, steve. health comes first. you see? oh, boy. the house was a little too much money for ya, huh? oh, no, but where would we get servants in this day and age? well, if that ain't a coincidence. i'm the head of an organization called the sunshine girls. and i could get you a cook and a housekeeper in nothin' flat.

yes, i did. you ain't hiding one under your tongue? no! you know, come to think of it, maybe you folks would be happier in an apartment house. hazel, what are you saying?! dear, that's what i've been thinking. but we've never lived in an apartment house. oh, it's terrific! no lawn to worry about. i'm being stabbed. but we both like to garden. oh, well, you can always get flowers in a flower shop. and another thing-- in an apartment house, you'll always have somebody to talk to. sometimes the voice comes right through the wall. but the best thing is that you never have relatives moving in on you. what do you mean? you don't have enough room. not even enough room for someone to spend the night. well, what will we do about the grandchildren at christmastime? or thanksgiving for that matter. oh, we'd go out of our minds in an apartment house. hazel, are you sure you could get us some help?

couldn't we, mr. baxter? well, i, uh... okay, mr. dunlap? okay, steve. that was the smartest sales trick i ever heard. but i give you credit.

u u know where we could put the spinet? right over by the window. barbara, we still have bills and a mortgage. now, thanks to hazel, we'll be able to pay off a big hunk of them both. even a secondhand spinet would be nice. i'll check the papers. well, i put harold to bed, and i looked in on susie. she's sleeping like a top. i can't understand why the folks' call ain't come through. well, there's a time difference in baghdad, hazel. and they may have had some difficulty getting a line. yeah, i suppose so. darling, what time is it?

yep, that's right. shall we turn in? i think so. how about you, hazel? oh, no. i think i'll stay up for a little while. okay. goodnight. goodnight. goodnight, hazel. goodnight. have they called yet? oh, no. no, not yet. are you gonna stay up any later? yes, i think i'll stay up for a little while, sport. well, then i'm gonna stay up, too.

i think we better wake them up, don't you think? it's after three. oh, yes, i think we'd better. [phone rings] baxter residence. oh, yes, operator. yes, i'll hold on. is it them? yeah, it's baghdad! hot dog! oh, hi, missy! gee, it's so good to hear your voice again. oh, we're all fine. how's mr. b? is he remembering to change his socks everyday? well, give him my love. oh, fine. well, here's harold. you better make it fast, 'cause we gotta get everybody in in three minutes. hi, mom! how's baghdad? guess what? we came over in a fire engine! [ ]

hey, opie. where are you? i'm out in the back here, dennis. hey, opie, look at this swell clock we found. hmm. could you fix it for us? yeah. well, maybe, boys. just leave it here and opie will work on it, as soon i get time. there sure are a lot of bees around here. yup, i got me some hives, and i'm gonna make-- you have? mm-hmm. boy, they sure do itch, don't they? mr. wilson got 'em last year from eating too many strawberries. and he-- oh, no, dennis. this is a different kind of hive. these are beehives. oh, that kind of hive. boys, boys, boys, don't go over there. you're likely to make the bees nervous.