i can't write this book on making pillows. i'm out of patience. i'm out of time. and if i inhale one more feather, i'm gonna officially qualify as a mattress! calm down and tell me what happened. it exploded...again! i'm going down to o'shea's. dick. no telling what time i'll be back. dick, it's not even noon. joanna, don't try to stop me. i need a milkshake. dick, come on. you've never give up on a book before. that's because my other books were about things i knew about. guy stuff. lumber. steel. bricks. not things that can fly up your nose. honey, i sew pillows all the time. let's go sit down, and i'll show you how. okay. but if this doesn't work, i'm gonna go down to o'shea's and drink myself under the plastic clown. howdy. i'm larry. this is my brother darryl, and this my other brother-- we know, larry.

termites have infested our domicile. that's awful. have you called an exterminator? yeah, he's fumigating monday. the sad thing is in order to get rid of the termites, he has to kill the silverfish. there's so much senseless slaughter. anyways, as much as we'd like to, they won't let us stay during the gassing. so we've come over to prevail on you for a reservation. you--you want to stay here? basement will be fine. larry, the basement is dark and damp and full of mildew. you don't have to sell us. fellas, the basement is not available. why don't you try our rooms? okay. see you next monday.

here. i finished the two pillows. oh, thanks, honey, for being such a... big help all this week. wow. you're up to page 68. that's great. here it comes. you want to do it this time? oh, could i? [humming] ha ha! that is fun. thanks. well, you earned it. i never could have finished this book without your help. oh. you know, maybe i should, uh... i should put your name on the book, too. okay. o-okay what? okay, i accept. i'd love to have my name on the book. thank you, honey. that is so...you. it--it is? yes. unless you didn't mean it. of course-- of course i meant it.

i shouldn't have said it. george, guess what? uh... dick's gonna share writing credit with me on his book. oh, that's terrific! that's so him. joanna-- dick, joanna just told me the good news. and don't worry. the fact that you didn't write this book by yourself doesn't make you any smaller in my eye. if anything, i think the same of you. thanks, george. [laughing] hi, all. tai and randy are back. you have a good time skating? are you kidding? how could we not have a good time looking this cute? and going like this. guess what? dick's making me co-author on his book. ooh. is that exciting?

oh, wait a minute. that is exciting. that means your picture will be on the back cover. i guess so. will it? well, if i didn't want your face on... on the back cover, then i... wouldn't have put your name on the front. my congrats, joanna. what a plum for you. dick, what a touching gesture. [telephone rings] oh, i'll get that. you're, uh, burned out, right? no. well, good, because i would want this teaming-up business to spill over into the show. there's no budget for a co-host. there's no need for a co-host. or a budget. michael, do you want to go make some cocoa? yes, he does. yes, i do. dick, i know how it feels to be burned out. there was a time in my life when i thought i'd never open another drain.

i did. that was the people in room five. they need more towels, and they said it was very sweet of you to share credit with me on the book. hi. i'm larry, party of three. yes, we know, larry. we have a room ready for you. uh, guys, we don't allow pets. he ain't a pet. he's our travel alarm. i'm--i'm sorry. we have rules. too bad. darryl, take longjeans here out to the porch. here's your key. enjoy your stay. okay. confidentially, we've never stayed at an inn before. exactly how are we supposed to comport ourselves? just the way you would at home. our--our home!

i suppose the polite thing is to say hi to the neighbors. [pounding on door] hi. i'm larry. this is my brother darryl. guys! elliot, you're my agent. you're supposed to be supportive. well, calling me a "has-been burnout" is not supportive. there is no "best sense" of that phrase. joanna is not slowing me down. the book will be a few days late. elliott, what's that static? alka-seltzer. well, listen to this. this is a dial tone. hi, honey. i read the book. what's the verdict? it's wonderful.

well, i, uh... worked in some guy stuff. dick... what? oh... nothing. it's too silly. i shouldn't even go into it. no, come on. your name's on it, too. well, uh... this line here. "if you aren't careful with your basting and stuffing, your pillow could turn out out to be a real turkey." [laughs] oh. it's supposed to be funny. well, how do you want me to say it? "careful basting and stuffing are important?" that's much clearer. it might even be funnier. now, this line here on page 13.

i really want to show you something. karen o.: 1, 2, ready, go l-o-v-e it's a mystery all is love is love ow! ooh ooh... [howling]

honey, i was thinking this.

you skipped page 72. i liked 72. i just have a little problem with this pep talk. pep talk? yeah. "if you get discouraged, don't take a powder, take a break." that's a phrase i've used in all my books. it's like an old friend. old friends can be tiresome if they stay too long. and it's awfully...precious. my books are not precious. i don't write precious. there is nothing precious about me. maybe i should come back later to discuss the dedication. you have notes on the dedication? well, i didn't think you'd be dedicating this one to me. bingo. i just thought it would be sweet

the one who tried to kill me? dick, she's a lonely old woman. you were stealing her favorite niece, and the lawnmower just got away from her. what am i supposed to say? "to lillian. thanks for veering? well, you may not get along with her, but i love her. she didn't mow you. and she's not going in the book. that's the dumbest thing you've said tonight. are you saying my suggestions are dumb? bingo. well, then... take my name off the book. no. no? i put your name on the book to be nice. and it's gonna stay there whether you like it... or not. you can take your pillow book and... stuff it.

excuse us. could we have a word with you? what's... you told us to act like we was at home, and at home, we wear these to breakfast. but upon taking a visual poll around the room, it appears that these people are wearing something over their dainties. yeah, it's a custom. we stumbled on it one day and just stuck with it. well, it would have helped us if you'd had laid out the rules more plainly. or is this some form of hazing you do to the new people? no, and, uh, it might be better for you...

if you put some clothes on. mmm, boy. corn flakes again. like some tiresome, old friend. well, would you rather eat these old friends or wear them? morning, all. what a day. oh, boy. corn flakes. never get enough of those. uh, if you don't mind, dear, could you possibly pass me the sugar? certainly, dear. but a simple "pleas pass the sugar" would have been less wordy... and you would have had your sugar sooner. uh, i can eat in the kitchen if you folks-- george, you're, uh--

uh-oh. no, george... we just want your opinion on something. which of these two sentences do you think is better? "if you're not careful with your basting and stuffing, your pillow could turn out to be a real turkey." or... "carful basting and stuffing are important." [laughs] [clears throat] i like them both exactly the same, and i will eat in the kitchen. joanna, here's the list of photographers for your book cover. the first 10 are my regulars. the other nine are just jockeying for my business. oh, dick, i haven't forgotten the burnout crisis. on the flipside, here's a list of co-hosts we can afford. they're all willing to go halfsies on your salary.

if you don't mind! that's my list of photographers for the cover. i didn't think you wanted to be on the book. i thought someone was making me be on the book. whoa. looks like we just stumbled into an episode of "the bickersons." yeah, dick and joanna. some people in this room are still in love. let's try and set an example for the next generation of guys and dolls. well, i hope you're satisfied. you just drove them out of the room. i'm surprised you didn't want to share credit for that. sometimes i wonder if my aunt lillian didn't have the right idea. [mouthing] dick, great to see you. why aren't your writing? elliott, what--what are you doing here? the publisher wants "pillow talk" now, so i came up to get it. you--you didn't have to do this. dick, you're my client. i'm involved. i care.

so hand over that little monster. i can't. my... collaborator and i are having some... artistic differences. oh, god. now what are we gonna do? elliot, joanna and i will work it out. she just wants to make a few changes, and... i'd rather die first. dick, you're obviously too emotionally involved. what you need is a disinterested third party to read that book and then make a final decision. are you volunteering? yo. that sure would get this over with. i don't think joanna would go along with it. the best i can do is talk to her. all right. do what you have to. but if you have any problems, just remember: i care. i'm involved. i'm late for the slopes. elliot is here. he wants the book.

look, i want to be fair. he offered to read the book and decide. that's supposed to be fair? your agent? your friend? he doesn't care what i think. all i ever get to say to him is, "i'm fi." you're fi? yes. he says, "how are you?" i say, "i'm fi--" and he's on to someone else. this isn't as bad as it looks. i've knows elliot for 15 years. he's sell me down the river...like that. and that's supposed to make me trust him? yeah, 'cause he'd sell you down the river like that, too. and that's good? no, but it's fair. you have a way with gibberish, you know that? okay, let's show him the manuscript. i'll go upstairs and get my copy. miss joanna. larry. darryl. darryl.

no, sir. we ain't showing our faces in that room again. them folks have seen us down to our essence. i'm afraid the embarrassment has set darryl back a couple years. well, you shouldn't really take it so hard. or you shouldn't. oh, guys, are you gonna be out of your room for a while? i need to get in there. okay, miss stephanie, but be careful. yesterday afternoon, someone busted into our room while we was out. they left tiny bars of soap everywhere. and wrapped all our drinking glasses in paper. it appears to be one of them senseless crimes. larry. you silly.

as much as i hate it, that's my job. oh, miss stephanie, forgive us to bits. you can bust in and paper our glasses any time. thank you. uh, guys? we--we prefer you didn't whittle in here. did you ever consider posting all these rules? well, there are plenty of other things to do around here. why don't you play a game? george, why don't you show the guys how to play...monopoly? sure thing.

nice paint job. okay, here it is. joanna! how are you? i'm fi-- well, dick! gotta ski! uh, elliot, joanna and i have decided to take you up on your offer. here's dick's manuscript with my changes. great. i'll read it when i get back. oh, and, uh... if this suit does its job, i may have a female friend to help me turn the pages. uh, elliot, read it now. you may be too depressed at the end of the day. okay, let me see that thing. well, if the first page is any indication, your version has more flow, dick. elliot, read the whole book, and be impartial.

gotcha. when i say impartial, i mean impartial. right, dick. elliot, where are your damn ears! listen to me. we want a fair, unbiased reading of the book. well, if you mean it, dick, i'm gonna need some alka-seltzer. there's some in there. what about water? rough it. [rolls dice] free parking. boring. i'm gonna go get us some sodas. it's your move, fellas. chance.

dick? hmm? no matter how this thing turns out, i want you to know that what you did with elliot was precious. don't start up with me. no, no. good precious. you made him be impartial. well, you raised some points that... deserve to be considered fairly. some. maybe i did get a little carried away, but when you put my name on the book, it made me want to leave my mark on it. you left your mark on every page but 72. don't start up with me. okay. okay. i've been thinking. maybe what we should do is dedicate the book to someone we can both agree on. what about my cousin edith? oh, that's right. you don't like her, either. no, edith's all right.

at least she's not an assassin. well, i don't have to read any further. i have real problems here on page eight. elliot-- come on. come on, let's save this baby. now, the publisher said he wanted a simple book on pillows. why are you complicating it with all this creative crud? pillow hand saws? ha! pillow power drills? ha! get real. elliot, that's the one thing that joanna and i always agreed on. yeah. sure. you love it right now. but see how easy it lifts out? so much for creativity.

here, honey. i brought you some hot chocolate. oh, great, honey. just pour it in my boots, will you? [telephone rings] [ring] hello. yes--yes, mr. palmaneri. yeah. we know your room is cold. it's a problem with our thermostat. our handyman should be back with a new one in just a few minutes. well, i seriously doubt that your nose is gonna drop off. well, then--then stop pulling on it. oh, george? what took you so long? oh, i'm sorry, but some kids ran their snowmobile into the river, and i helped them get out. are they okay? fine. and i've got the thermostat right here. thank goodness.

if this isn't enough, i have to walk around hiding my figure in these. you look adorable. i look like a burrito. and if that isn't enough, they interrupted the top 20 countdown on the radio 19 times with the same stupid news bulletin. what news bulletin? oh... about some stupid guy who risked his stupid life to save some stupid kids who drove their stupid snowmobile through the ice into the stupid river. did they say who... who this hero was? no! that was the stupid part. nobody knows. he just dropped the kids at the hospital and disappeared. the whole town's looking for him. why does everything happen to me? george, didn't you say-- joanna, would you hand me that screwdriver? oh, my god. i know who it might be. michael. your michael? it all fits.

and the radio said it was a selfless hero. that's michael. your michael? oh, i've got to call him. what is he thinking of, risking his life like this so close to the winter carnival? george? you're... you're the hero, aren't you? aw, i didn't do anything anybody else wouldn't have done. so i'd just as soon keep it quiet. but, george, everyone wants to know who you are. they're all gonna want to thank you. i know, and it'll be biff davis all over again. biff--biff davis? he grew a potato that looked exactly like clint eastwood. they put a picture of it in "national tattletale" with a caption that said, "go ahead. bake my day." fans started calling him, mostly women who pretended they loved him. but they were only after his potato.

he ate the potato. and then one day he died. i don't want that happening to me. i really don't think that's gonna happen. not if you don't tell. well, if you don't want me to, i won't tell. promise? i promise. cross your heart and hope to die? cross my heart and hope to die. do you solemnly swear-- george... i'm not gonna tell, all right? what about you, joanna? you won't tell, will you? no. that's good enough for me. [knock on door] come in. you'll be relieved to know i talked to michael, and he didn't pull those kids out of the river. really. luckily enough, at the time, he was in his weekly session at the tanning salon.

dick, jim and chester want to talk to us. dick, we just gotta find this hero fella. if it helps any, he's not a sun-bronzed adonis. the whole town is abuzz. the man does this courageous deed and then just disappears. everyone wants to show their gratitude to this noble samaritan. yeah, we thought we could smoke him out with some cash. we've been talking to the merchants in town, and they're all putting up some reward money. well, it's just possible that, you know, he's a shy man who prefers to remain anonymous. are you saying you don't want to put up any money? no, no. no. i'll make a contribution. what is everyone else giving? 50? a hundred? well, most people are giving five, but that hundred sounds good. okay if i use the phone? i want to find out how much the other guys have raised. help yourself. i never thought there'd be a reward.

a key to the city. well, it doesn't really open anything. that's true, but it does start willie fry's tractor. here. we've got to say something. honey, if we tell, it's gonna be biff davis' potato all over again. i mean, can you live with that? yeah. well, mr. anonymous just came forward to claim his reward. he did? that's wonderful! yeah. who would have guessed it was crazy ollie? crazy ollie? yeah. but that's the man who spends his days directing traffic. in wooden shoes and a band uniform. that's the one. so, dick, if you'd care to write that check... wait a minute. don't you think you ought to investigate this before you turn the money over? comes out of the mouth a lot easier than the wallet, eh, dick? no. i'm just saying i don't think it's prudent to take the word of a man

and also, i don't think it's a good idea to give money and a key to drive heavy farm equipment. oh, he won't need a tractor, dick. hank catwell's gonna lend him a brand-new cadillac. the car that talks to you? honey. and they're dedicating the new teeter-totter in the schoolyard in crazy ollie's name. what is crazy ollie's name? whatever it is, it'll live on. because when tales of heroes are told, this whole town will remember the name-- george utley. huh? george? dick. we promised we wouldn't say anything. but he told us the whole story. he saved those kids. oh. well, it did seem kind of odd that ollie said there were four kids instead of two. and that he scooped them out of the river with a spoon. let's go congratulate george. wait, wait-- wait a minute.

in fact, i'd appreciate it if you didn't let this go any further until after i've talked to him. okay. mum's the word. [high-pitched voice] just a minute. [clears throat] [regular voice] okay, come on in. hi, george. you, uh... you got a minute? yeah. sure thing. i was just folding my laundry. i love the smell of fresh laundry. here. take a whiff. is that sunshine in your nose or what? close enough. grab that end, will you? uh, george, remember how you wanted it kept a secret how you saved those kids? yeah, and that's the plan. well, i had to move to plan b. what's plan b? that's--that's where i opened my big mouth and spilled the whole story to jim and chester. bad plan.

i mean, they want to give you money and--and a key to the city and--and a car that talks. dick, did the biff davis story mean nothing? you're right. i'm sorry, george. life can sure turn on you fast. george, it may not be as bad as you think. jim and chester promised not to tell anyone until i said it was okay. i'll call them and tell them to keep the lid on. mr. utley! mr. utley! why did you wait so long to come forward? how does it feel to be a hero?

honey, did you find george? no. i think he's avoiding me, and who can blame him? don't be so hard on yourself. you thought you were doing the right thing at the time. i guess you're right. besides, if i hadn't told jim and chester, you would have.

i gave george my word. what? you were the one who was dying to spill the beans. but, and this is the point, i didn't. face it, dick. you just can't hold your beans. dick, joanna, a reporter just asked me if he could look through our garbage. i told him no. was that all right? fine. oh, good. see, my first impulse was to say, "oh, yuck. get out of here, you disgusting piece of filth." but then i remembered it's not really my decision. well, i think you pretty well captured our thoughts on the subject. hi, all. oh! michael! oh! oh! oh! that was well worth the rumple. oh, i'm sorry. it's just that when i remember the other night, it gives me the goosies. to think that if you had left that tanning salon just an hour earlier and gone home by a different route and hadn't had the radio on too loud to her the cries,

i could have lost you. i'm still shaking. yeah. promise us you'll never take a chance like that again. this calls for a celebration. i'm going to go moisturize this face and make you glad you didn't do anything foolish. great. oh, dick, what pops into your mind when i say "the greatest show on earth?" the circus. wrong. [laughs] "'vermont today,' starring dick lowden "with this sunday's guest... george utley." george is hot. george is now. george is what's happening. george is mad at me. well, whatever the prob is, he'll forget about it when you offer that air time. he won't go on the show. he hates being famous. that's the prob. did i just say "prob?" wow. casserole-erama. look at this.

people kept forcing stuff on me. at the bank, all the tellers insisted on poising with me in front of the security camera. and then at the filling station, jolene not only checked under the hood, she greased the axles, and she doesn't even work there. the regular mechanic was too busy making me a casserole. george, this my fault, and i'm sorry. it was the best day of my life. it was? george, how would you like to appear on "vermont today?" i'd love it! you would? thanks, dick! you're the best friend i ever had. i am? none of this would have happened if you hadn't spilled the beans. dick, guess who's in the headlines again? "11-year-old girl has science project accepted by nasa." not this headline.

"local hero at groundbreaking ceremony for ice cream parlor." that's nice, george. did you see my quote? "quipped utley, 'maybe i should do one shovelful for each flavor.'" that's pretty good. uh... "the crowd laughed appreciatively." i'll try to be that funny when i do your show, dick. oh, by the way, is there anything i should know before we do it? well, it's pretty straightforward. i'll simply introduce you, and then you tell what happened in your own words. well, i was driving by the river, i saw the kids, and i saved them. and then maybe i'll try to... draw you out a little bit. hi, guys. george, i need to talk to dick for a moment about "vermont today." oh, good. george, don't i hear some kids going through the ice somewhere?

if it's okay. well, i do have a lot of "thank you for the casserole" notes to write. they don't make a card for that, you know. dick, have you heard about this kelly hepplewhite kid? the one who's got a science project going up on the space shuttle. yeah, she's in the paper today. paper today, your show sunday. here's the poop on the tyke. michael, wait. this sunday? problem, dick? this sunday is george's show. kelly can do our show next week. dick, if it were up to me, hey, perfect solution. but she's off to the space center monday, then on to to the coast and merv. but george, he's pretty much here whenever we need him. either george goes on the show or i don't. well, this smacks of ultimatum. yeah. well, okay, dick. it's your show. that's why we call it...

and, george, you'll be sitting here. oh. uh, maybe i should tell you. sometime during the program, i might make a mistake. i thought i'd get us on one of those "blooper" shows. dick? george? look who's here. little kelly hepplewhite. this is uncle george and uncle dick. hi. how do you do? the girl with the science project. you know, dick, when kelly showed up accidently, so close to show time, it kinda sparked an idea. but this show is uncle george's show. man: 15 seconds to air. places, everyone. michael-- uh, no time, dick. michael! man: 10 seconds, please. thank you for having me on the show.

man: and now it's "vermont today," starring dick lowden, with today's special guest science whiz little kelly hepplewhite. hi. i'm dick lowden. our really special guest is a renowned local hero you've been hearing so much about. the man who risked his life to save two children from an icy river. george utley. we're also joined by kelly hepplewhite, who has some... science project that... nasa's apparently interested in. interested? they chose me out of 4,000 kids. well, it all sounds a little too... complicated for... us on this show. oh, it's not that complicated, mr. lowden. i just wanted to see if seeds would know

so what i did was i took the plants... ...and if it turns out like we hope, maybe someday there'll be gardens orbiting the earth. i think that'd be neat. well, it really is simple when you... when you break it down into sections... and sub-sections. we'll be taking phone calls in a few minutes, so you can hear the sound of another voice. [clears throat] but first, i know everyone would like to hear from george utley about his heroic attempt to-- [phone rings] uh, we'll be taking your phone calls after we talk to george. [ring] i think you better answer that, lick dowden. uh, oops. i mean dick lowden. [ring]

woman: hello, kelly? yes? don't all seeds sprout towards the sun? well, everything changes when it's weightless. like in space-- you know, it's interesting. weightlessness is not unlike the feeling a person gets when they're submerged in icy water. isn't that-- isn't that true, george? gee, dick, i was in and out so fast, i really wouldn't know. [ring] well, let's get on to our next call. "vermont today." man: yeah. i have a question about photosynthesis. okay. okay. who would like to handle that? not me. i'll take it! i had a feeling you would. well, it all has to do with chlorophyll. you see, when the sun's rays hit the plants... we're back. during the commercial, kelly confided in me her throat's getting a little sore. so why don't we give her a rest--

it's for your own good, honey. so in the few minutes we have left, let's hear from all those people who have questions for george utley. there's nothing wrong with my voice. [ring] "vermont today." woman: i have a question for kelly. well, maybe you weren't listening. we're only taking questions for george utley. do you have a question for him? uh, no. [dial tone] okay. i'm sure there's a lot of you out there who do have a question for george. so-- [ring] you're on the air. man: kelly? look, i'm not going to say it again. we're only taking calls for george utley. calm down, dick. no, i've had it with these people. [ring]

come on. this man saved lives. she grows plants. [ring] this better be for george utley. hello? man: i have a question for george utley. finally. what is your question? where do you get off lying about how you saved those kids? i saved them, and i've got the spoon to prove it. ollie? ollie, i think we have to move on. i have a question for kelly. good-bye, ollie. well, we only have time... for nothing else. join us next week for another episode of... "vermont today." man: and we're clear. michael! boffo show, dick. you insensitive, rating-grabbing jerk. dick, dick... tiny ears.

take it easy, dick. it's not his fault. what? let's face it. nobody wanted to talk to me. and you're yelling like that didn't help. i had the same note, dick. michael, get out of here or you got big probs. right. you, uh... you all right, george? yeah. george, you know you'll... you'll always be a hero. thanks. well, you wanna grab a pizza? dick, i'm a grown man. are you just saying that to cheer me up? yeah.

well, i gave hank catwell back his car. it didn't even say good-bye. i'm sorry, george. boy, you think you know a car. hi. hi. we'd like a room, and some friends of ours told us we should stay in the james madison suite. well, the james madison suite is nice, but i really recommend you take the... george utley suite.

[theme music playing]

[ theme music ] >> here's johnny! [ cheers and applause ] [ theme music ] >> all right. >> that's nice. >> that's pretty good. i tell you what -- that is marvelous. thank you. that is -- that is -- that is marvelous, and i didn't even buy you dinner yet. [ laughter ] what a crowd. didn't i see this crowd hanging around the geraldo show