[ theme music ] >> here's johnny! [ cheers and applause ] [ theme music ] >> all right. >> that's nice. >> that's pretty good. i tell you what -- that is marvelous. thank you. that is -- that is -- that is marvelous, and i didn't even buy you dinner yet. [ laughter ] what a crowd. didn't i see this crowd hanging around the geraldo show

[ laughter ] that's what geraldo has on all this week. the title of all of his shows, bad girls. no kidding. [ laughter ] my favorite coat. >> you like that? [ laughter ] >> i have one of those balls. see if it will stick on there. [ laughter ] >> it feels good when you rub it too. >> does it really? >> yeah. >> well, let's see -- a lot of excitement in this building out here. phil donahue is out here taping. [ cheers and applause ] >> our stage manager kevin quinn had a bad day he was hitting on the ladies in line for the donahue show, when he found out it was phil's annual transvestite fashion show. [ laughter ] right, kevin? and the one in the angora are sweater wasn't bad. [ laughter ] donahue likes to come out to los angeles once a year to do his show. after one hour of cruising bus stops on santa monica

guests for a year. did you see pete rose on the donahue show yesterday? that was remarkable. and to make him presentable before the show, he was rushed to super cuts in an ambulance. [ laughter ] the guy knows a barbershop when he hears one. boy, you make up for last night. we had an audience in here last night. during the monologue, they were looking at me the way a bassett hound looks at a fly on a tv screen. [ laughter ] [ applause ] it was a -- it was a nice group, but they were about one tree short of a hammock. [ laughter ] you know why you are in a good mood? it's november and it's 90 degrees out here. this is incredible. [ cheers and applause ] everybody -- everybody was headed for the beach.

the cliffs were also headed for the beach. [ laughter ] a landslide out there, did you see that? >> yeah. >> crazy-- earthquakes, land slides. well, what else is happening? magic johnson, great basketball player with the lakers -- [ applause ] was fined $3,000 for slapping -- [ applause ] another basketball player. this is an epidemic. first zsa zsa and now magic johnson. [ laughter ] you know what's gonna happen? next there is going to be a rash, a freeway, drive-by slapping. [ laughter ] [ applause ] did you hear the most remarkable news today? you may not have heard it. true it's not a joke. the east germans have opened up the berlin wall. >> yeah. >> true. [ cheers and applause ] for the first time -- for the first time in 28 years,

to walk into west berlin. and you thought you waited long to get in here tonight? [ laughter ] is that something? >> yeah. >> that is really remarkable. you ever thought you'd see that? >> never. >> dan quale heard about it, and are they going to open the great wall of china. [ laughter ] [ applause ] and they may end up tearing >> yeah. >> they will probably put up one of those severe tire damage spikes if you back up. [ laughter ] no -- yeah, but for the first time now, germans will be able to go into any country they want. >> yeah. >> wasn't that the problem in 1939? [ laughter ] [ applause ] anyway the new slogan in east german is itch-bin-ine out of here.

anyway, let's hope that works out. what else is happening? president aquino from the philippines was welcomed to the white house today. meanwhile they are still looking for all of the money-- supposed to be, what-- four-five billion dollars that ferdinand marcos was supposed to have taken out of the philippines. they found out his last words to imelda marcos, was the combination to the safe is in one of your shoes. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> you know who's birthday is it today? carl sagan. carl sagan-- the famous astronomer. he is 55, that 20,075 days, and billions and billions of seconds. [ laughter ] too long. [ laughter ] anyway tonight we have a good show. you are in a great mood. first of all we have mr. charles grodin is with us tonight. a very fine actor.

funny-- humorous writer calvin trillin is with us. [ applause ] and new comedian for us. his first time on the show, right? his name is j.j. wall. he'll come out. so stay where you are, and we'll be right back.

thank you! [ cheers and applause ] >> it is -- it is time now, ladies and gentlemen, for a visit from that famous mystic -- [ cheers and applause ] famous mystic of the east, the all knowing, all seeing, all telling, ancient, famous seer and former dallas cowboy cheerleader, carnac the magnificent.

[ music ] welcome. welcome. welcome. oh great seer. >> sim sala bim. >> thank you so much. i hold in my hand the envelopes. a child of four could see these envelopes have been hermetically sealed. they've been kept in a mayonnaise jar since noon today. no one knows the contents of these envelopes but you in your mystical and boarder line divine way will ascertained the answers having never before heard the questions. is that right, sir? >> yeah. >> okay. [ laughter ] envelope number one. >> have silence please. >> hermetically sealed. >> i will divine the answer. >> yes. [ laughter ] since noon today.

[ laughter ] [ applause ] >> a nickel, a bobby pin, and deborah norville. what are the last three things jane pauley found in her chair? [ laughter ] [ applause ] [ booing ] [ laughter ] >> deer john. >> deer john. [ laughter ] >> what is another name for a moose toilet? [ laughter ] [ applause ] [ booing ] carnac has a gun under the desk. [ applause ] >> mind shaft. >> mind shaft. >> name the book about hitler's divorce. [ laughter ]

[ laughter ] >> susan b. anthony. what should be discovered in west hollywood. [ laughter ] [ applause ] [ laughter ] >> susan b. anthony. [ laughter ] [ laughter ] >> you -- you -- [ laughter ] you are on a roll. >> you are on a roll. >> oh, shut up. [ laughter ] how can you tell if you're -- if you have ever woken up -- waken up in a jack in the box. waken up, woken up,

[ laughter ] >> okay. [ laughter ] 1941, 2001, and 2010. name two movies and the next time you'll see jim baker. [ cheers and applause ] [ laughter ] tokyo, los angeles, new york. >> yeah. >> name the three largest japanese cities. [ laughter ] [ applause ] [ cheers ] >> 24, 36. >> 24, 36. >> what are anne boleyn's measurements? [ laughter ] [ booing ]

[ laughter ] on top of old smokey. [ laughter ] where did yogi bear come home to find his wife? [ laughter ] [ applause ] [ laughter ] bubble gum, oat bran. [ laughter ] name something you scrape off of your boots, and something that tastes like you scraped off of your boots. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> i hold in my hand the last envelope. [ cheers and applause ] >> may your only son grow up

[ laughter ] a nail, a board, and an s&l customer. name something that's hammered something that's sawed and something that is screwed. [ cheers and applause ] [ music ]

right after these words. [ cheers and applause ] [ music ] [ laughter ] >> what a good crew tonight. okay. later on in the show we have calvin trillin and j.j. wall. and now charles grodin. have you been seeing all the activity? we haven't seen this much activity

donahue comes out from the east about once a year. oprah is taping in the same building here. have you seen some of the guests? this is sweep week so they come up with strange -- as if they don't normally come up with strange people. you know who donahue has on the show today? >> who? >> transvestite construction workers who suffer from vertigo and the problems they face from -- [ screaming ] [ laughter ] [ applause ] kevin you want to get whatever it is out of here? [ laughter ] gee whiz. thank you very much. >> never had a chance. >> oooooooh. [ laughter ] >> okay. we pay a lot for a prop,

[ laughter ] this -- [ laughter ] this is a book by charles grodin called it would be so nice if you weren't here. [ laughter ] it's a wonderfully entertaining book from my first guest whom you probably know is a fine actor, he's out her filming a thing called, i don't know how you pronounce this, filo fax or fee lo fax. anybody know? >> filo fax. >> filo fax. what? >> filo fax. >> one word or two? >> one word or two? [ laughter ] >> that clears it up. [ laughter ] >> is there an echo in here? it's filo fax with jim belushi. would you welcome mr. charles grodin. [ cheers and applause ] [ music ]

don't be so mercenary and commercialism here. i understand this book is in its fifth printing. >> i told you that this afternoon. >> the first four were blurred were they? [ laughter ] it's an old joke. haven't you heard that joke before? it's an old-old joke. but you are an old guest. so what is the difference. we just throw it in there. it would be so nice if you weren't here. my journey through show business. >> my journey through show business. >> that's what i meant. your journey. it doesn't say that on here. it says my journey. which means of course your journey. you know -- >> may i begin? [ laughter ] >> do you mind? you are here recall the time. can i say just one thing? [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> first thing i would like to say -- >> yes. >> -- is would you put the book back up. >> i'll get around to that. >> all right. you'll get around to it, that kind of epitomizes -- do you know what epitomizes means? [ laughter ]

>> no i have no idea what filo fax is. >> you don't know what filo fax or epitomizes -- >> i know what epitomize means. >> what does it mean? >> it's a the opposite of filo fax. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> is this going to be another one of those nights? >> no, i have been on this book tour, and one of the main questions i'm asked is why since he treats you so rudely do i go on the johnny carson show. >> you don't treat me that rudely. i don't mind. [ laughter ] >> no, that's fair -- a lot of people do feel i treat you rudely. right? [ applause ] >> and you do. >> thank you. >> and a lot of people feel that you treat me rudely. >> uh huh. >> i hear this a lot. [ booing ] >> well, it's your home team. >> that's right. [ laughter ] best always to remember that while you are out here. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> i'm so -- >> they really don't understand the banter, do they? >> well i -- >> see, we don't know

we don't hang out together. i have never been out with you socially. you have never invited me to your home. >> no, certainly not. [ laughter ] >> and even if you did, i would not come. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> i think if we keep the relationship the way it is, it's a probably best for both of us. it's mutual -- the word is not admiration, mutual -- >> tolerance. >> acceptance, tolerance. means? >> not really. [ laughter ] >> i say to people, give me an instance where johnny carson is rude to me, because i don't really feel it. and i don't know that you do. i wouldn't call this rude. >> not a bit. >> but then i was given an instance. >> what's the instance? >> the instance was last time i was on the show you said the book costs how much? and it's $18.95, and you said that seems like a lot of money for a book, and i said it's my whole life, and you said that would be okay if it was mother theresa.

>> yes, i did say that. i didn't mean that in a pejorative sense. do you know what pejorative means? [ laughter ] >> you started that whole thing about it, pretty much. i meant she is 1895, you are not as well-known as mother theresa, that's all i meant. >> are you? >> of course not. i might be. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> i don't -- i don't do as much work as she does. >> you certainly don't. >> i certainly don't. [ laughter ] >> but i want to thank you for autographing this book. i want you want to see -- i just opened this book, you wanna see what i saw here in the book? >> i didn't autograph a book for you. >> dear bob, thanks for all the help over the past 16 years, love chad. who is bob? [ laughter ] >> bob eubanks. he is a very good friend of mine. [ laughter ] >> who did this-- where does this book come from? >> well not from you. >> no. >> you didn't buy a book. and you haven't read the book either. >> i read the book cover to cover. >> you have? >> yes, i have.

>> it's a very, very long book. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> 3 -- 308 pages. >> and only one about you. >> you don't mention me a lot in here, but you talk about me briefly. >> nicely too. >> yes, i think you do. why -- we haven't discussed the title. would be so nice if you weren't here. can we talk about that? because we tend to straight off. >> i have had a reluctance over the years, quite honestly, you have been rude to me on many occasion. but i know you mean it in fun. a lot of people don't know you mean it in fun, but i know you mean it in fun. >> of course, you do. >> of course i do. and i -- i have been criticized for being rude to you, and the reason i have been criticized is because i kind of refuse to answer your questions, right? >> it's a game you play. >> it's game i play, it's all in fun, right? but there is a reason why >> why? >> i don't think you are really interested in your questions. [ laughter ]

[ laughter ] >> but see the way you keep a job like this for 28 years, you pretend you are interested in every shameal who comes out here. [ applause ] >> that takes a certain amount of acting to tolerate what goes on here. and that's why i get the big, big bucks. >> right. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> we have to take a break. but we're going to continue this fascinating conversation. [ laughter ]

[ applause ] [ cheers and applause ] [ music ] >> okay. we're back. [ cheers and applause ] >> now at the risk of ruining our relationship, i'm going to say i read the book and it's a very amusing book.

>> no jokes just straight up. >> appreciate it. you are very kind. please, please thank you. >> sit down, yeah. >> the title it would be so nice if you weren't here. that came out of some experience that you had. >> here is what i find difficult about being on the show and doing this. [ laughter ] >> you are asking me a question -- >> yes >> basically to explain what the title of the book means, right? >> yes. >> but you know what the title of the book means, right? >> no, i don't. >> but you read the book. >> yes, but i want to pretend. >> that's what i mean, it's hard me to answer a question when you know the answer. >> isn't that acting is all about? >> yeah, but i'm not acting now, this is kind of me. >> they don't know. >> i was making a movie with candice bergen, if i don't turn back this way i will be an armed forces radio network. >> all right. >> but you don't mind? >> talk to those people. >> all right.

[ laughter ] >> you are making a movie -- >> i was making a movie with candice bergen, in a castle, outside of london. we were sitting in a little room, off the main hall, where they were setting up the cameras and an english woman who i think owned the castle came in and said did someone ask you to wait in here? and i said no. and she said it would be so nice if you weren't here. [ laughter ] >> now that's what you call a screen. >> yes. >> later when you sweeten it -- >> yeah, you punch it up. this is live and we won't have time to edit it. you live or die the way it goes here, we don't edit this. >> but i would rather you tell the story since it's your crowd. >> all right. >> so the next question you ask me, you answer. [ laughter ] >> now the reason i call the book it would be so nice if you aren't here -- the book is about dealing with rejection and surviving when you deal with a lot of difficult problems.

like a stone wall and lack of acceptance. >> yeah. >> and what do you do when people are looking at you like this. [ laughter ] >> what do you do when you are talking to a man that has a picture of himself as a young boy in front of him? why do you do that? what if i had a picture of myself as a young boy -- what is that? >> you are terribly insecure, aren't you? [ cheers and applause ] >> you have the picture of the young boy -- i don't have the picture. why do you do that? that's there is a picture of a teenager of you sitting on a cup. >> i didn't even know it was there. >> you didn't? >> no. >> your witness. [ laughter ] >> why don't you tell some of these other hysterical anecdotes in the book. [ laughter ] it's about your career, and all of the problems you have had -- >> it's about surviving. and there have been many years when i have been banned from this show, let's be honest -- >> and many more to come.

[ applause ] >> but that's another story. what do you mean -- now you see people think when you say that -- you were never banned from this show. >> i actually got a telegram from you telling me the door was closed. >> get out of here. >> i was finished. i was on radio tehran for about 5 years, you were like skyrocketing -- >> they don't buy that story at all. about you being banned. you're pushing it too far. >> i have been banned from most >> have you really? >> yeah. and i -- thank you. [ laughter ] and the book is about what you do when you're banned. >> rejected. you were thrown off -- you had a job candid camera. >> i was fired three times from candid camera. the last time, alan fund asked me to close down the men's room at jfk airport. i said i don't think that's a good idea when people come off of a plane they are not looking for a laugh. [ laughter ]

>> went to jfk. i said don't do this. he said do it. you work for me. and we shut down the men's room. people came off and went into the men's room and there wasn't anything there but a fake door. and eventually i said it's candid camera, and they almost killed me. [ laughter ] >> they didn't think that was funny? >> no, they didn't think so. would you think it is funny? you come off the plane -- >> probably not. >> and there's a curtains, a fake door, and he fired me and by that time i had been fired several times. [ laughter ] >> what was the lowest point in your life -- other than earlier tonight? [ laughter ] >> you are taking my jokes. >> oh excuse me, i'm sorry. >> you mean in show business? >> sure. no in the textile business. of course in show business. [ applause ] >> what else have you done? >> well, there are things other than show business, people -- >> but i don't know what you have done outside of this. >> i have lived outside of this. >> what was the low point when you were living?

you know what i mean. >> the lowest point in my life when i was living. >> outside of show business. >> outside of show business. i'll answer that question if you answer that question. >> sure. >> what was the lowest point in your life. your personal life, outside the show. >> when i first got divorced. >> your first time. >> uh-huh. >> that was the hardest time? >> yep. >> see, i wouldn't reveal anything that personal. [ laughter ] [ applause ] [ booing ] >> see -- >> this -- >> look at how they are booing you. >> that's -- that's -- that's nothing. [ laughter ] >> this is sweeps week so you will really reveal anything. >> of course. for rating i will go through my whole life. >> i--i too was very depressed when you were divorced. because you have -- >> you have never been divorced, have you? >> uh -- i didn't know that. >> i didn't say that.