- yes, miss livingstone? - have you seen my emery boards? - oh yes, i put them here in this drawer. here's one. - thank you. - [pauline] you know miss livingstone, it's funny, isn't it? years ago you and i used to work side by side at the may company. now you're in television, working for a big star like jack benny, and i'm your maid. - yeah. can you lend me five dollars till payday? (laughter) - [pauline] here, that's 10 you owe me. (laughter) - oh by the way, pauline, i'm going out so you can have the rest of the day off. - [pauline] oh good! then i can spend the afternoon with my boyfriend sidney. you met him. - yes, but pauline you know this is none of my business, but isn't sidney a little too old for you? - well, he is a little old, but he's very nice. i feel for sorry for him.

- well why, do they ache? - he wished they could. (laughter) - you mean they ... - yes, and it's so embarrassing the way they keep clicking. - [mary] what? - miss livingstone, they click something awful. when he walks into an office building, all the elevators go up. (laughter) you sure you won't need me this afternoon? - no, i'm positive. mr. benny's picking me up and we're going out to 20th century fox. - the movie studio? - yes, you see last week they decided to make the picture all about the life story of jack benny. - gosh miss livingstone, imagine, big studio like that. i'll bet mr. benny is really proud! - proud, well, let's say that he's taking it just the way i thought he would. he's um, he's, what's the word? - unbearable? - that's it. (laughter)

- good morning, rochester. - [rochester] good morning, boss. - is my breakfast ready? - [rochester] it's in the kitchen, i've been keeping it warm. - splendid. (laughter) by the way rochester, i want to compliment you the way you prepared my bath. the fragrance was delightful and the bubbles seemed to be quite lively. - thank goodness i finally found the right formula. i've tried hard water, soft water, cool water, hot water, all kinds of water trying to keep those bubbles bubbling. - and what did you use today? - schweppes. (laughter) - good, good. now, will you bring me my breakfast, please. - yes, sir. would you like to look at the paper?

- will you take off those glasses or shall i turn on the lights? (laughter) - wonder if there's anything in here about the studio making the story of my life. nothing here on the front page. nothing in this column. nothing in this column. oh, oh here it is! after years of success in other fields of show business, jack benny will soon be celebrating his triumphal return to the silver screen. this epic will not only be based on the story of his life, but his brilliant career in ...

this is the ad i took out. (laughter) how do you like that? they had to put it in the used car section. (laughter) - here's your breakfast, boss. - fine, fine. - just like you ordered. - splendid. well, kumquat glace. eggs benedict, and broiled new england kippers. very good. rochester, where is the cafe au lait? - the what? - the coffee, the coffee! - oh! - rochester, you forgot my toast!

(laughter) - rochester, toast on a flaming sword? - i always said if we're gonna be classy, let's go all out! (laughter) - [jack] that's ridiculous. buying a sword just to serve toast. - it comes in handy. every month i duel the baker for the bill. (laughter) - now stop making things up. (doorbell) - hello, rochester. - hello mr. wilson, come on in. - [jack] hi, don! - oh, congratulations, jack! i think it's just wonderful they're gonna make a picture of your life. - yeah, it is exciting. how did you find out about it? - well, just this morning i was looking

(laughter) - i know, i know. would you like something to eat? - no thanks jack, i've had lunch. you go right ahead anyway. - okay. - [don] you know jack, there's one thing that bothers me about fox making the story of your life. - [jack] what's that? - well, i've seen a lot of these biographical films. they've got a lot of action, excitement, adventure. - don, are you kidding? why my life has been one adventure after another ever since i ran away from home to face life all by myself. - well, i didn't know that! how old were you? - 32. (laughter) - i was 22! i remember because i wouldn't leave until i finished high school. (laughter) 32! - [don] well anyway, jack, i'm awfully happy that they're going to make your life story into a picture. is it all set? - well, there are a few details that have to be ironed out. you know, this afternoon i'm going over to 20th century fox

he's the executive producer you see, and i'm taking mary with me. - [don] hey, hey jack, you're not gonna let all that good food go to waste? - yeah, i can't eat anymore, i'm too excited. (laughter) where's that used car section? (doorbell) i'll get it. who are you? - i'm the baker. (laughter) - rochester wasn't kidding. - [baker] two loaves of white, one rye, and an apple pie. en guarde! (laughter)

- [rochester] where is he, where is he? (laughter) where is he? (applause) - he's gone already. now rochester, take off that silly outfit and let's get started for the studio. here.

(laughter) (horn honking) - gee, the studio lot is crowded today.

(gunfire) - say, that sounded like gunshots. - yeah, they must be making a-- (gunshot) cowboy picture. - sir, somebody better tell them this ain't the stagecoach. that last one went through the radiator! (laughter) - it's that parking attendant. - oh yeah. well i'm going over and talk to him. hey, what's the idea of shooting at us? - you took the space reserved for mr. adler. - [jack] oh, oh i'm sorry. well i'm jack benny, and i have an appointment. - jack benny? - yes.

- yes, i made that picture for warner brothers years ago. did you see it? - see it? i directed it. (laughter) - why i didn't-- herman! i didn't recognize you, you got thin! - yeah, yeah, thin. - [jack] but i can't understand it. i mean you were doing so well. how come you're now a parking lot attendant? - how come? - [jack] yeah. - all my life i wanted to be a director. for years i studied and starved trying to learn the profession. every little job they put me on i did with perfection. finally they notice me. i became an assistant director. i was on my way up. suddenly i was a director. everything i did was right. i was turning out hit after hit! i had money! i had respect! i even won an oscar! and then you came along!

(laughter) - herman, take it easy! -[herman] why oh why did you have to come into my life? i used to direct pictures, now i'm directing traffic! - [jack] herman, herman, put down that gun! - [herman] what do you care, i'm pointing it at myself! (applause) - geez, he's a complete wreck. - jack, what was that? - [jack] it's a, it's nothing. nothing. mary, come on, we'd better not keep mr. adler waiting. oh rochester, you stay here till we get back. - i have to, i got my finger in the dyke. (laughter) - [jack] good (drowned out by laughter).

i beg your pardon, but i have an appointment with mr. adler. i'm jack benny. - [secretary] oh yes, mr. benny, he's in conference. would you mind waiting? - no, not at all, thank you. (singing) i ought to be in pictures. (singing) i'm wonderful to see. - hey, jack? isn't that van johnson sitting over there? (applause) - oh yes. gee, used to be such a nice guy. - used to be? what did he ever do to you? - what did he do to me? did you see his last three pictures? - yeah, and he was great in all of them. what about it? - what about it? who has three hits in a row?

and william holden and the rest of us? (laughter) - oh, brother! - look at him sitting there so nonchalantly, reading a magazine. that expression on his face loaded with confidence. - and not a wrinkle. (laughter) - how would you know? his freckles would cover anything. (laughter) the size of those freckles, the big showoff! - you know jack, i can't understand it. every time somebody makes a little progress you get sore at them. - i do not. - you do, too. when lassie got her own television show you got so mad you bit her. (laughter) - bit her, bit her. i snarled at her once and you're making a big thing out of it. anyway, this is different. i practically gave van johnson his start.

and i was fool enough to-- - shh, jack he's coming over. - yeah well, i'll hide my feelings. - jack, mary! - hello, van! - how are you, jack? - fine, fine. how's your mother? - oh, she's fine thanks. - [jack] and your father? - oh, he's fine, too. - well, the next time you see them tell them they've got a louse for a son. (laughter) - jack! - well. - jack, what's the matter, what happened? i thought you liked me, i thought we were friends! - friends? a lot you know about friendship. spreading that rumor around about being a big box office attraction. - jack, i didn't start any rumor.

saying some nice things about me. but then i saw something nice about you in the paper this morning. - that i paid for! (laughter) - don't know what to say? now i'm sorry i had such good parts in pictures. - i'll bet. i suppose they had to twist your arm to sign that new contract. (laughs) - mary, what's a matter with him? - oh he's jealous of anyone that's a big success. if they happen to have blue eyes, he thinks they're copying him. - now, don't be ridiculous. - gosh jack, i wouldn't hurt you for the world. i know how you love show business. i wouldn't do anything to make you unhappy. honestly jack, you've always been my idol. i think you're the greatest personality in show business. - you do? - i think you're really swell!

i think you're pretty swell, too. - [mary] but jack. - yeah but you're sweller than i am. - oh no, no, you're the swellest. - van. - no, you're the swellest. - well. - as soon as the swelling goes down can i get a word in here? (laughter) - oh, oh i'm sorry, mary, see he was just carried away. oh mr. benny, mr. adler will see you now. - oh thank you, thank you. well, so long, van. - so long, jack. - [mary] goodbye, van. - bye, mary.

hi, mr. adler! - [buddy] hi, mary. - hello, mr. adler. - [buddy] jack, nice to see you.

- sit down. - oh thank you, thank you. - i'll pull up a chair for myself. - [jack] excuse me. here you are. well, you know mr. adler, i was quite elated when i found out about the idea about your studio making the story of my life. as a matter of fact, knowing that we were gonna be here, i was thrilled and excited the moment i got up this morning. - i noticed that when you walked in. - [jack]uh? - you have your socks on over your shoes. (laughter) - mary, why didn't you tell me? - i thought you got a shoeshine and was saving it. (laughter)

we have everything laid out. we're going to start with the day you were born. then we're going to trace your entire career and include everyone that had a part in it. - [jack] uh huh. - from the shopkeeper who sold you your first violin, and the kindly old vaudevillian who gave you the idea of telling jokes on the stage, and everyone whose advice and encouragement have kept you before the public. - well! - naturally, we'll change the names to protect the innocent. (laughter) - naturally. now mr. adler, i noticed you left out a few details about my life, but then i'll throw them in when i direct it. - when you what? - direct it, i'm gonna direct the picture and write it. - you're going to direct the picture and write it? - yes, sir! (laughter)

- i am. - who's going to produce it? - i am. - who's going to finance it? (laughter) - suddenly this place became a library. - mary, please. - [buddy] now look jack, we've been making pictures for a long time, and you're not gonna tell us how to run our business. - but, but look it, mr. adler-- - now get this. we're going to make a picture called the life of jack benny, and you're not going to direct it. - i'm not? - no, and you're not going to direct it, write it, produce it, or supervise it. - well, i guess you're right, mr. adler. i should be satisfied just starring in it. - jack ... that's what i wanted to talk to you about.

- well, we're back in the library again. (laughter) - what did you want to talk to me about, mr. adler? - well, we feel that somebody else ought to play the part of jack benny. - for heaven sakes, what's the matter with me? - [buddy] well, you've been jack benny too long. (laughter) - well, mr. adler, if you don't think i'm capable of playing myself in my life story, who did you have in mind? - miss dutton, send van johnson. - van johnson! - jack, sit down and put your socks on. - hello, mr. adler! - [buddy] nice to see you, van. jack, you know-- - i know him, i know him. van, you knew about this all the time, didn't you? - knew about what? - van, i asked you to drop in because i wanted you to play the part of jack benny in his life story. - oh, that's wonderful! i idolize him.

i can't imagine the story of my life without my being in it. - jack, i didn't say you weren't going to be in it. i have something very important for you. - you have? - [buddy] yes, you're going to play the part of your father. - i'm gonna play my own father? - yes, van johnson will be your son, and i think mary will be excellent in the part of van's sweetheart. - so do i! - you keep out of this! - yeah, that's right. we can get married as soon as i ask my father. - [jack] now cut that out! now look, if this is your idea of making the story of my life, you can drop the whole thing! - all right, then we won't make it. - don't be so hasty. what's bothering you? - you're bothering me. i'm sick of it. and we're not going to make the life story of jack benny. - all right, then don't make it. but let me tell you something, mr. warner. - it's not warner, it's adler. - it's a natural mistake.

(laughter) - well, i've had enough of this. come on, mary, let's go. - [mary] goodbye mr. adler, bye van. - [van] bye, mary. well, there goes my idol. what are you gonna do now, mr. adler? well, i don't feel too bad about it. after all, it's tough to do a story of a man who's living. people know him too well. and it's-- (gunshot) hey, maybe herman got him! (laughter) now we can do his life! miss dutton, get the script department. we're going to change the ending. van, you be here tomorrow morning at 10 o'clock for rehearsals. - yes, sir.

- i forgot my socks. (laughter) - he's alive! - how do you like that? miss dutton, cancel the jack benny story and fire herman. (laughter) van, it's things like this that made me gray. - with hair, it's all right. with freckles, it's murder. see you around, mr. adler. - so long, van.

- the nerve of that buddy adler.

i'll produce the picture myself and i'll star in it. to adler, it will be great. - is there gonna be a part in it for me, boss? - there certainly is, rochester, because this is gonna be a true story. and mary, you're gonna be in it, too. - [mary] when do we start making it? - i don't know, ask my director. - hey, i got an idea. we'll make your life story a western! - herman, put that away! goodnight, folks! (applause) (high-spirited music) - [voiceover] the jack benny program. - [voiceover] ladies and gentlemen, this is the city of beverly hills.

and this lovely house is the home of jack benny. let's go in and pay him a visit. i know he's home because i saw his car in the garage. come on. - [woman's voice] and you needn't ask me to leave because you're going to sit there and listen to what i've got to say. - [voiceover] uh-oh, there seems to be some sort of commotion going on. let's peek in and see what it is. - [woman's voice] i haven't told you half what's on my mind. and believe me, i'm talking for everybody in the neighborhood. when you first moved in, we thought you were a nice, gentle, kindly old man. before we knew it you had the mortgages on all our houses. oh i don't blame you for not saying anything. all you do is sit there with your mouth wide open. and why? because even you know that that last trick you pulled was the cheapest most abominable thing anybody ever did. imagine putting a woman with seven children

- i'm not going to listen to anymore of this. rochester. - yes, sir. - [woman's voice] and no matter what you do, i'm glad i got it off my chest. - shut off that television set. (audience laughing) - [tv narrator] the brilliant story of the mean old man. in tomorrow's episode you will hear another true story. (tv clicks off) - boss, i don't know why you look at this program. it always upsets you. - where they get those fantastic, unbelievable ideas i'll never know. nobody could be that cheap. (audience laughing) ridiculous. (audience laughing) - you've been sitting around the house all day. why don't you get some exercise? why don't you go out and putter around in the garden?

that's all i want to do. - well if that's what you want to do, maybe i better make you comfortable. - okay. ahhh. ahhh. - ahhh. (audience laughing) i just threw that one in to help you out. (audience laughing) - rochester, when was the last time i stayed home all day and just sat around the house? - uh, that was back in 1933. - 33? - yeah, that's when they closed the banks and you didn't have any place to go.

- well, boss, as long as you're in such a comfortable and relaxing mood, maybe this is a good time to ask you. - [jack] ask me what? - i was wondering if i could have the night off. - the night off? you had a night off two months ago. - boss, you're not going to count that one. - [jack] why not? - that's when i had my appendix taken out. - what's the difference? you didn't get home until 3 o'clock in the morning. - i tried to get home sooner, but they had me strapped to the table. - excuses, excuses. anyway, what's so important about you having tonight off? - oh tonight my barber's having a meeting and after the meeting we always have a little entertainment. and tonight i'm the add attraction. i'm going to sing and dance. - you sing? - on central avenue i'm known as the sentimental fellow with the mellow bellow.

- well, i'll think about it. - oh thanks. if you want anything, i'll be in the kitchen defrosting the refrigerator. - okay. oh boy, this is the life. maybe later on i'll call mary and ask her to come over and play cards. nah, she cheats. (audience laughing) i'll just sit here and... (doorbell) oh, rochester. nevermind, i'll get it. - [jack] well hello, mr. brown. - hello, mr. benny. i'm sorry i'm three days late with the rent on our house, but here it is. - oh, thank you.

do you think maybe you could have it fixed? - well the plumbing costs are so very high now. - yes, i guess they are, but it's been months since you promised to paint the living room. - well -- - i fixed the hole in the roof myself. - good, good, and i'll get you a pan to put under the hot water heater. (audience laughing) - well i guess i'll be running along. - [jack] oh, oh, mr. brown, by the way, how's your wife? what's she doing now? - haven't you heard? she writes that television program the mean old man. (audience laughing) - yes, yes, i watch it every day. your wife has quite an imagination. - yeah, yeah, imagination. (audience laughing) well goodbye, mr. benny.

- who was at the door? - mr. brown from long beach. - oh, he's been complaining a long time about the hole in the roof. - it's fixed, it's fixed. - but, boss, i don't remember you sending anyone down there to fix it. - rochester, if i say it's fixed, it's fixed. now if you don't believe me, watch tomorrow's episode and find out. (audience laughing) did you finish defrosting the refrigerator? - well i haven't started defrosting yet. i'm still taking things out. - oh.

- oh hello, rochester. - hello, mr. wilson. - hi, jack. - [jack] well hello, don. - i'm certainly glad i found you at home because there's something i must talk to you about. - oh excuse us, rochester. - yes, sir. - oh by the way, when you finished with the refrigerator, put all the things back in so they'll be easy to reach. - oh i'll have a lot more room now that i've taken that large cardboard box out. - no, no, no, put the box back in. i have to leave it there all summer. - why, what's in it? - miss livingstone's fur coat. i made her a better deal than the storage company. (audience laughing) - ohh. (phone ringing) mr. benny's residence. star of the stage, screen, radio, and television. and don't forget our slogan; during the summer

your furs right next to our hash. (audience laughing) - [woman's voice] may i speak to mr. benny? - who's calling please? - i'm mrs. miller. my boys are in mr. benny's beaver club, and there's something i'd like to talk to him about. - just a moment. mr. benny, it's a mrs. miller. she wants to talk to you. she's the mother of a couple of the boys in your beaver club. - oh, excuse me, don. wonder what she wants. hello. - mr. benny, i hope this won't be an imposition, but one of my boys has a very bad tooth and it has to come out. - oh, rochester, have we got a pair of pliers in the house? (audience laughing) - [mrs. miller] well, no, no, mr. benny. i didn't mean that. - oh, i'm sorry. nevermind, rochester. - [mrs. miller] but i would appreciate it if you would let me bring him over to your house so you could talk him into going to the dentist.

- mr. benny, he admires you so much. i'm sure you can persuade him to go. - well if you think i can help, bring him over. anything for the beavers. - oh thank you very much. - you're welcome. she wants me to talk her little boy into going to the dentist. now what is it you wanted to see me about? - well, jack, i've been going over the script for your next television show, and i noticed the writers have indicated a musical number. i just wonder who you want to get. - well, don, you didn't have to bother me with those small details. get whoever you want. - oh that's fine. i know a little group we can get for about $1,000. - come back here! (audience laughing) - but, jack, you just said -- - nevermind what i said. this isn't a small detail.

don, if i told you once i told you a thousand dollars, i mean a thousand times. (audience laughing) let's think about it. let's see who we can get. - well, jack, i know you want someone good. but i also know you won't pay enough to get a crosby or a como or a tony martin. - say, i know who we can get. - [don] who? - don, have you ever heard of the sentimental fellow with the mellow bellow? - the sentimental fellow with the mellow bellow? - someone call me? (audience laughing) - yes, rochester. how would you like to do a song on my television show? - jack, do you mean to tell me that rochester is the sentimental fellow -- - with the mellow bellow. (audience laughing) now, how about it, rochester? - oh but, boss, i couldn't walk out on that stage there with all those cameras.

- but you told me yourself you were going to sing at your club tonight. - but that's different. on your show i'd be standing up there singing with an 18-piece orchestra behind me. - [jack] well what have you got behind you at your club? - a bartender and three members barbequing spare ribs. (audience laughing) - [jack] what do you know, a four-piece combo. (audience laughing) - [jack] rochester, you'd be fine on my show. - but, boss -- - [jack] now, what are you going to sing at your club tonight? - well i was going to do an imitation of louie armstrong singing i can't give you anything but love, baby. - well that would be great on my show, wouldn't it, don? - i think it'll be wonderful. come on, roch, let's try it here on the piano. now let's see, how's this for key?

(jack and don clapping) - hey, don, that's fine. and, rochester, you have nothing to worry about. you'll be great. - gee thanks, boss. - the only thing is, don, if we're going to do it in the show, we ought to have a little rehearsal on it. but, don, as long as we are going to rehearse -- (doorbell) oh excuse me. - mr. benny, i'm mrs. miller. - oh yes, come on in. - [stevie and joey] hi, mr. benny. - (claps) so you're afraid to go to the dentist? - mr. benny -- - let me handle this. you know what i think? i think you're a great big coward. - i'm not a coward. - [jack] then why won't you go to the dentist? - because it's his tooth that hurts not mine.

- oh, oh, well then you're the coward, huh? well come on inside and we'll talk it over. - thank you. don, this is mrs. miller. - [don] how do you do, mrs. miller. - you know the boys. - [don] hello, fellas. - [stevie and joey] hi, mr. wilson. - now, joey, i can understand you're little brother, but why would a big boy like you be afraid to go to the dentist? - because my tooth don't hurt. - mr. benny, i'm sure if you talk to him, he'll go to the dentist because as i told you on the phone, you're his hero. - (laughs) i know, i know. - [mrs. miller] in fact, i'm kind of thrilled myself just talking to the man who used to play football under the name of crazy legs hersh. (laughing) - well -- - tell her about the time you caught your own kickoff and made a touchdown.

- (laughs) well, mrs. miller, why don't we go to my dentist and get this thing over with? - oh, mr. benny, i can't ask you to give up so much of your time. - oh i don't mind. i'm very happy to do it. don, i'll be back in about a half hour. now, joey, iyou want to be a beaver, you have to have good teeth. - my tooth don't hurt. - yes it does. (audience laughing) i'm going upstairs and change my clothes and i'll be right down. - won't you sit over here, mrs. miller.

- [jack] here. - mr. benny, it's awfully nice of you to go through all this trouble.

right in here. (audience laughing) wait a minute. hey, mister, what do you think that you're... mr. kitzel. (audience clapping) mr. kitzel, don't you recognize me? i'm jack benny. - oh i'm so sorry. i just came from the optometrist shop. as he put drops in my eyes and i can't see so good. - [jack] oh that's too bad. what's wrong with your eyes? - i happen to be color blind. - color blind? - [mr. kitzel] yeah, to me yellow is brown. - yellow is brown? - and not only that. brown is green, and green is yellow. - wait a minute, let me get this. yellow is brown, brown is green, and green is yellow? - that's my condition.

my brother-in-law was eating what i thought was a hotdog, so i wanted to be smart. i said, "how do you like the cucumber?" he said, "what cucumber, i'm eating a banana." (laughing) - oh, mr. kitzel, you're joking. - oh well i got to be stumbling along now, mr. benny. could you do me a favor? point me down the hall. - oh yes, yes. - [mr. kitzel] thank you. - [jack] follow me. - now, now, right straight ahead. - here? - that's right. mr. kitzel, mr. kit -- (glass breaking) (audience laughing and clapping) - well it's a good thing we were on the ground floor.

hi, i'm sorry but i just ran into a friend of mine. now, joey -- - i don't want my tooth pulled. i don't want my tooth pulled. my tooth don't hurt. - joey, you keep saying that all the time. at least speak correctly. it isn't, "my tooth don't hurt." it's, "my tooth doesn't hurt." anyway, the dentist isn't going to hurt you. - i don't care. i don't want my tooth pulled. - i don't want my tooth pulled. i don't want my tooth pulled. that's all you've been saying since we left home. you're nothing but a gutless yellow belly. (audience laughing) - stevie, please. - stevie, where did you learn words like that? - from you, mr. benny. (audience laughing) - from me? - yes, that's what you said to jack dempsey when you caught him with that left hook and he wouldn't get up.

- mr. benny, you knocked down jack dempsey? - oh well that was quite a while ago. you see, he was 3 and i was 12. (laughing) - how do you do. do you people have an appointment? - well you must be new here. - yes i am. - well will you tell dr. payton that jack benny is waiting? - maybe we should have called first. - no, no we don't. i've been going to dr. payton for years. you know, he's a very good friend of mine. we'll have our appointment right away. - [nurse] mr. benny, dr. payton said you didn't have to come in. he mailed you the rent this morning. (audience laughing) - that's not why i'm here. this little boy, joey, has a bad tooth, and it has to come out. - i don't want my tooth pulled. - well in that case, the doctor will be able to take you in a minute.

- you see, joey, you're in luck. - i don't want my tooth pulled. - oh, joey, it's nothing to worry about. everything will be alright. - mr. benny, you may go in now. - come on, joey, come on. - i don't want my tooth pulled. i don't want my tooth pulled. - joey, now please. joey. - i don't want my tooth pulled. - joey. - oh hello there, mr. benny. - oh hello, doctor. doctor, this is mrs. miller. - [dr. payton and mrs. miller] how do you do. - uh, her boy, joey, has a bad tooth and it has to come out. - well, we'll take care of that. when we're all through i'll give you a lollipop. - i don't want my tooth pulled. it doesn't hurt. i don't want my tooth pulled. - mr. benny, can't we do something? - oh, doctor; doctor, come here. i just got an idea. you see, i'm joey's hero. - you are? (audience laughing)

having a tooth pulled doesn't hurt at all. - [dr. payton] it really doesn't. - i know, i know, but we have to convince joey. so i'll tell you what, i'll get in the chair and you make believe you're pulling out my tooth, and i'll make out like it's nothing. - excellent idea, excellent. not new, but excellent. let's all go in here, shall we. - now, joey, look it, i'm going to have my tooth pulled. see, i like it. - [dr. payton] that's right, mr. benny. sit right down in the chair. - alright. now see, first we have the examination. isn't that right, doctor? - [dr. payton] that's right, that's right, mr. benny. - come on, yeah. alright. - [dr. payton] now open your mouth, mr. benny, please. - watch this, joey, watch this. ahhhh. see, there's nothing to it. - [dr. payton] mr. benny. - yes. - would you please open your mouth again? (audience laughing)

hmmm. - what is it, doctor, what is it? what is it? - nurse. - yes, doctor. - prepare the novocaine. (audience laughing) - novocaine? doctor, let's not overdo this kidding. - i'm not kidding. that third tooth from the end, the bicuspid it's in terrible shape; it has to come out. - but, doctor. - [dr. payton] mr. benny, how old are you? - 39. (audience laughing) - well you've got a bicuspid that's 63. (audience laughing) - look, doctor -- - mr. benny, believe me, it's really in bad shape. it has to come out. - but i don't want my tooth pulled. it don't hurt. honestly, it don't hurt. - you mean it doesn't hurt. - you see, you see. i'm going to get out of here. - go ahead, we're holding him. - joey, now, joey, stop that. - here's the novocaine, doctor.

- my, my, how brave he is. - joey, now let me get out of here. - alright, mr. benny, open your mouth. - [jack] doctor, doctor. - [dr. payton] open wide, open wide. (groaning) (audience laughing) - now, joey, you get in the chair. - [joey] i don't want to. i don't want to. - get in the chair. - come on now, open your mouth real wide, joey. - i don't want to; i don't want to. - open your big mouth or i'll bash your head in. (audience laughing) - hmm, well there's nothing wrong with your tooth, sonny. - oh, but, doctor, look how black it is. - oh, he's just been eating a licorice. (audience laughing)

- well, if that's all it is. come on, kids. let's go home. - [jack] yeah, let's get out of here. - [dr. payton] oh just a minute, mr. benny. - yeah? - you owe me $10 for pulling your tooth. - that's what you think. i just raised your rent.

george, will you please move the television set? martha, no wonder our picture isn't as clear as it used to be. just look at the dust on the back of this thing. i don't see how a little dust on the back could affect the picture. well, some of it's bound to have seeped inside. george, what are you doing? just taking the back off, my dear, so that we can dust it out. i know what i'm doing. i'm not through with the carpet yet. well, it'll only take a minute. dennis: hey, mr. wilson. tell him i'm not home. tell him i'm taking a nap. tell him i've gone to timbuktu. hello, dennis. hi, mrs. wilson. is--hey, mr. wilson, will you help me with my project? project, what project? it's for school.