marty, that's not fair. i think wilbur has very clever hands. yes, it's just too bad that those 10 clumsy fingers are attached to them. very funny. oh, now, now, carol, don't get me wrong. i like wilbur. he's a wonderful guy, and a great architect. but when it comes to magic, he should've taken up basket weaving. (marty laughing) anybody care to see my trick? all right. all right, wilbur. surprise me. make it work. oh. okay. you'll notice i have here an ordinary cage containing an ordinary bird. at the count of three i'll make the cage and the bird disappear before your very eyes. one, two, three! four, five, six! (laughs) oh, carol, forget about the basket weaving. he'd probably weave himself into the basket. stuck here a minute.

no. hey, wait, i'll get the trick in just a minute. oh, i'm awfully sorry, wilbur, but i made a promise to myself to be in bed before midnight. (both laughing) you won't laugh like that when i take the trophy away from you this year. you? you're entering in the contest? yeah, yeah! i got a few tricks up my sleeve. well, 10 to one, they fall out before you start. well, see you in san francisco, houdini. bye, carol. have a nice trip. bye, marty. wilbur. yeah? what trick are you going to do in the contest? oh, i got the greatest... this is really... i haven't got the slightest idea. then why did you tell marty you were... oh, don't worry. i'll come up with a great trick. it'll be so great that the judges will have to give me the trophy. pooh! i'll stake my reputation on that as a magician. but wilbur, you don't have a reputation as a magician.

wilbur. wilbur, why can't i go along to san francisco? ed, don't bother me. your little horsie is gonna miss you. it'll only be for three days, little horsie. go back in the stall, huh. you know, we've never been separated, wilbur. i'm gonna miss you. go back in the stall. -what? -hmm? oh! oh, carol it's you. who did you think it was? oh, i thought it was you, and darned if it wasn't. wilbur, why can't i go with you? honey, it wouldn't be any fun for you. i'll be up there tied up with all those magicians, you'll be bored to death.

she was my roommate in college. and while you're busy with the magic, why, judy and i can go shopping all day. -shopping? -mmm-hmm. that'll take a load off my mind. and my checkbook. oh, wilbur, i promise i won't spend much. ten dollars a day. how's that? ten dollars? on my word of honor. okay. oh, wilbur! thank you, darling. it'll be like a second honeymoon. yeah. just you and me and 400 magicians. oh, thanks again, honey. well, that's settled. i've still got another problem. there isn't a trick in this catalogue that sounds different enough to win that trophy. well, there's one. "sawing a woman in two." that's no good. ed ferguson's doing that one. who's he going to use? his wife? no, his two half-sisters. -"swords through the girl". -how does that work? swords through the girl? well, they put a girl under this wooden box and they shove a half a dozen swords through the side. and she comes out alive, huh? no. no, they use a different girl each time they do the trick. if only i could come up with some new twist.

i've got to go call judy in san francisco and tell her we're coming up. calling san francisco, huh? there goes your first day's $10. swords through the... been done with a girl. wilbur, if you can take your wife you can take your horse. you know i love to travel. don't bother me, ed. now what else could we put in that box? uh... (chuckling nervously) forget it. you're not measuring me for a box. of course! instead of swords i'll use spears. i'll get a special box made. with six handles so they can carry me out. oh, ed, nothing will go wrong. believe me. see, the way it works, you get inside the box, i stick the spears through.

oh, you'll be all right, ed. i'll get a special carpenter to make the box, you see. everything will be measured down to a fraction of an inch. you'll be as safe as... sitting on a deck chair on the titanic. ed. look, ed, you want to see me top marty bixby for once, don't you? no harpoons for me. the name is mister ed, not moby dick. this is a sensational trick! nothing can go wrong, believe me. ed, you said yourself you're dying to go to san francisco. when i said it, it was jus a figure of speech. let's see, i'll call fred ricket. he's the best magic instructionist in the business. we'll build the box here, then he can ship it to the convention. i've got a feeling there's gonna be a new song.

honey, you find out where the room is. i told judy i'd meet her at the coffee shop. okay, dear. well, ed, we made pretty good time getting here, huh? yeah. you'll make even better time going back. how do you figure that? you'll be pulling an empty horse trailer. ed, nothing can go wrong. now, look, you stay here, and i'll get you some hay, and barley, and oats, and sugar, and carrots. how does that sound to you? like i'm eating my last meal. i'd better not eat till after the show. i wanna be nice and skinny when those spears come through.

stop calling it my box. look at this spear. isn't that beautiful? my mother did not raise her son to be a porcupine. ed, look at me. you think i'd take a chance at hurting you? (stutters) no. if i thought you'd get the slightest scratch, you think i'd put you in that box? no. will you do the trick with me tomorrow night? no! ladies and gentlemen... ladies and gentlemen, the illusion you are about to see is called spears through the horse. and it's being shown for the first time at any magic convention. the reason why a horse has never been used before... they couldn't find one stupid enough. ed, what are you doing out of the trailer? (stuttering) i... i thought i'd get a drink of water before you punch those holes in me. oh, you did, huh? well, i'm gonna tie you up for the rest of the night. i figured you'd plan some trick like this.

and i warn you, if i hear one more complaint out of you... -wilbur! -don't interrupt. oh. hi, carol. you must be judy. judy, my husband wilbur. he's the one on the bottom. oh. oh, you mean the... the little bear, yes. well, you see, i like to start my act off with a laugh. you see, i'm up here for the magician's convention and i'm entered in the magic contest. for the best illusion. why, i figured that... (stuttering) roommates at college, huh? yes. (clears throat) uh, i think we better hurry, carol. stores close at 5:30. okay. i'll be back in plenty of time for dinner, wilbur. oh. don't rush, dear. spend as much time as you want. time, not money. (both laughing) well, it was nice meeting you, wilbur. it's a pleasure, judy.

honey. ten dollars. i guess mink is out. thank goodness. the coast is clear. well, this one's mine. the rest are yours. oh, i promised wilbur i'd only spend $10 a day. how was i to know that my credit card would be good in san francisco? oh, i feel so guilty. well, whatever you do, don't confess. ask for a jury trial, and pray for 12 married women. when wilbur sees all of this he'll probably divorce me. so what? you'll probably get custody of all this stuff anyway. judy, i'm taking all this back. chicken.

you'll have to break in. the stores are closed. then i'll return it first thing in the morning. well, where can i hide all this so that wilbur won't see it? how about under his top hat?

i got to find something to protect me when i'm in that box. let's see. huh. mattress. oh. i might get hungry and eat it. let's see, let's see. (knocking on door) maid!

(screaming) what's with her? acts like she never saw a horse. what can i get to put in that box? let's see. huh. hey, these packages will make a perfect shield against those spears. (crowd clapping) thank you. ladies and gentlemen, before the start of our magic contest we have a very special treat for you. i am proud to introduce to you one of the world's most venerated and famous showmen, the dean of magicians, the great blackstone. well, here we go. are you watching?

will disappear at the tips of my fingers. you will not see where it goes. hup! you know a lot of people have an idea it goes up my sleeve. did you think so? oh, you think it's on my body. come and look me over. -anyone. oh, hello. -fine, sir. (chuckles) you have a look. get a good look. -up here? -all ready. plot again. (laughing) i tell you what, put your hand on the bottom of the cage. the bottom. -the other hand on top. -yes, sir. you put one hand in the back. and your other in front. hup! well, thank you. ah, thank you. now i know how i should have done that trick. with mr. blackstone's hands. this is something beautiful.

ooh. our contest will now get underway with our first contestant, mr. dick zimmerman, who will perform for you the ring on the rope. mr. zimmerman.

(audience clapping) (audience clapping) announcer: mr. lou derman and his version of cups and balls. there are three little white balls and three empty cups. one. two. three. now watch. cover each little white ball with a cup. now we'll take the first ball, put it in the pocket. the second ball, put it in this pocket. now that should leave one in the center.

well, this one's come back. let's put it back in the pocket. now this one over here should be empty. it's come back. now how many do you suppose would be under the center cup? let's find out. -three. -(audience clapping) now if we take the little white balls and openly put them in the pocket they can't be under the cups. and now, ladies and gentlemen, continuing with our magic contest, mr. marty bixby and his illusion of the toy dog. thank you very much. and now, ladies and gentlemen, let's see if we can reconstruct this toy poodle. it already has its body and its back legs. we put in the right front, the left front, and now we have to put on the head because how else is it going to say "bow bow"? now we take this beautiful white poodle and we place it into this empty box. we put up the back flap. and now the left side.

and we put in the front. and then we take the top. nothing around it, inside it or. and here we go. we wave it once, twice. and we tap twice. all right now, let's see what we have here. we take off the top. we pull off the back. we pull off the front and the sides. and there is rover! (audience clapping) wilbur post presenting his original illusion, spears through the horse. mr. post. (audience clapping) (audience laughing) excuse me. ladies and gentlemen, while my assistant is placing the horse into the box

this illusion, spears through the horse is being presented for the very first time on any stage. assistant, are we ready to perform our little experiment? wilbur, inside the box... please, we're on a stage. let's be professional. as you can see, ladies and gentlemen, this spear is genuine. it is the same kind used by the watusi natives of africa in the spearing of lions. -(ed groans) -(audience laughing) however, we are not watusis and this noble horse will emerge from the box unharmed. ladies and gentlemen, the first spear.

and now, for the second spear. (audience laughing) now for the third spear.

now, ladies and gentlemen, the last spear has been removed. and you shall see this great and noble animal is completely unharmed.

words will never express my gratitude to you. why don't you say it with carrots? (chuckles) i finally beat that marty bixby. boy, he'll never call me a bad magician again. you see his face when they handed me this trophy? (chuckles) yeah. and how about that look on his dog's face? yeah. what are we doing next year, wilbur? oh, i've got a great idea, ed.

only i'll do it with a horse. see, i'll bind you with chains and then seal you in a box and then drop you in the river. (thudding noise) ed! he's fainted! ed, i'm only kidding! so am i. (ed laughing) hello. i'm mister ed. a horse is a horse, of course, of course and no one can talk to a horse, of course that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous mister ed "six hour pile-up on the freeway." wow!

"wife hits husband with baseball bat." i wouldn't be a human if they paid me. us peace corps, recruits volunteers for service abroad. new group to leave for pakistan. i wonder if they take horses. i hear those pakistan fillies are really packed. good morning, ed. what's in the news? same old stuff. uh, wilbur do you think the peace corps would send a horse to pakistan? you know, you keep messing up my desk like this and i'll send you to pakistan. where's that anderson contract? i found it. -you did? -yeah.

you know, to improve the image of the ugly american horse. you can improve the image of the american horse right here. what are these apples doing in the filing cabinet? well, waiting for me to eat them. you know you're not supposed to put apples in here. why not? i filed them under the a's didn't i? you can't even do that right. here's one under w. it had a worm in it. ed, this is not your personal food locker. now, where is the anderson contract? in my feed box. what is it doing in your feed box? well, the...the...the filing cabinet is full of my food. carrots. corn.

barley. hay! ed, you know that you are not supposed to keep food in that... wilbur, i'm going to the... oh, my goodness! what a mess. honey, what happened? you think the peace corps would send a horse to pakistan? -what're you talking about? -ed. he's got this place in such a mess, i can't find a thing around here. well, i've been telling you for a long time what you need is a secretary. humph. a secretary? maybe you're right. yeah. carol, would you do me a favor, call an agency and get a girl. -sure honey, leave it to me. -great! a secretary, huh? here's that anderson contract, sir. anything else, mr. post?

sir? it's no use, ed. i'm still hiring a secretary. oh no, wilbur, with a girl around i won't be able to talk to you whole day. ed, a businessman can't run a sloppy office. and horses don't make good secretaries. i need a girl who can file, type, take shorthand. yeah, but can you slap a saddle on her back and take her for a ride in the park? you'll get used to a secretary being around here. ed, i've got to deliver this contract. meanwhile, clean up this mess, huh? (moans) the eternal rectangle. the man, his wife, his secretary and his horse.

cronwall secretarial agency? this is mrs. wilbur post. i'm calling regarding a secretary for my husband. yes, i'll wait. carol, believe me it's a bad move.

because he never had a secretary. winnie, please. yes, a girl who can type, file, take shorthand. sit on his lap. sit on his... winnie! that's right. he's sort of looking for a girl friday. and you'll be looking for him the rest of the week. oh, what's she like? a secretarial school graduate? good. business experience. uh-huh. pleasant, congenial, attractive. she used to model. sorry, wrong number. winnie, honestly. i trust wilbur implicitly. and he needs a secretary. now when you husband was in the air force, didn't he have a secretary? certainly, but his name was sam. now listen to me, carol. if wilbur has to have a secretary, why don't you get him one of those

foreign exchange student? yes, one of those girls from spain or tunisia or even turkey. at least you know at night she'll be studying algebra, not your husband. hi, ed. you know, ed, you're being childish. a secretary will be a big help to both of us. no, not to me. i won't be able to talk, play chess or ping pong or... i'm back to being just a horse. and what's wrong with being just a horse? i've lost the touch. please, wilbur, before you hire a girl do me one favor. sure, ed. what do you want me to do? fire her. wilbur, look. i've been watching these roses for days.

well, for their sakes i hope they went quickly. what? wait a minute. i didn't know you felt that strongly about gardening. well, i never did but suddenly i've got nothing else to do. and when we bought this place, the garden was so beautiful i decided to try and keep it that way. oh, why don't you hire a gardener? i believe in doing things myself. so do i. what do you mean? winnie says you're hiring a girl. what do you want me to do, hire a horse? i still say you do not need anyone to help in this teeny little office. i say it's a gross waste of manpower. that's why i' hiring a girl. carol, the more i think of it, the less i like my idea of hiring an exchange student. why, what's the matter with an exchange student? with your luck, she could be from paris. so what? what does a french girl have that i don't have? i don't know.

oh, winnie, i'm not afraid of losing wilbur. -he loves me. -(doorbell ringing) that must be her. get rid of her. tell her the office burned down. hello, i'm ako tenaka, are you mrs. post? -that's right. why don't you come in? -thank you. oh, this is a lovely room. so full of color. like we have in japan. thank you. ako, i would like you to meet our neighbor, mrs. kirkwood. how do you do? it is an honor. please forgive my staring, mrs. kirkwood. that is one of the prettiest dress i have ever seen.

she has wonderful taste, hasn't she? yes, she has. hasn't she? i still say hiring a secretary is a gross waste of efficiency. now, why did you remain a navigator in the air force while i became a colonel? -you were afraid of flying. -exactly. don't be funny. carol: you'll be working here. wilbur? oh, hi. this is ako tenaka, your new secretary. hello, ako, welcome aboard. the honor is mine, mr. post. and this is my husband, mr. kirkwood. -how do you do? -a pleasure, mr. kirkwood. oh, i see you have a horse here. don't mind him, ako, he's just being temperamental. well, let's go, winnie. -oh, ako, take good care of my husband. -yes. well, ako, uh... in the top drawer here, we have dictation pads and pencils.

i didn't, they just died by themselves. oh no, they did not have to die. and...and uh, that's the pencil sharpener right there you see. and there's plenty of carbon paper. well, do you have any idea what happened to them? oh yes, i am majoring at horticulture at university. and uh, the contracts are kept in the top drawer. this is powdery mildew, a serious disease of roses. and it appears at flowering time and causes dwarfing of the shoots. and this is the little drafting board. i want you please keep these covered up at nights. well, do you think you could save the rest of my roses? oh, if it's not too late, first we must dust them with sulfur and... well, then tell me the rest on the way over. nice thinking, you should have hired a secretary years ago.

ed, you've got to admit it. ako's only been here two days and she has accomplished miracles. in two seconds i can find anything i want. then find yourself a new horse. i'm joining the peace corps. ed, don't talk like that. i can't talk at all with her around. if you want a dumb animal get yourself a pussycat. now, ed, be reasonable, i need a secretary. you can dictate your next letter to me in pakistan. that's all the colonel talks about. how ako saved his roses. he thinks she's a japanese doctor schweitzer. winnie, i still think you're making too much of ako. why you couldn't be jealous of her? who me? oh, don't be ridiculous. just because a girl takes an interest in my husband's roses

of course i'm jealous. (laughs) i'm not worried about wilbur, i trust him completely. i trust wilbur.

for your back, mr. post. oh, oh, thank you, ako. little to the left would you please. thank you. oh, brother. well, thank you, ako, i could do with a pick-me-up. he's sickening. another cookie, mr. post. why not? i live only once.

peace corps, here i come. i'm packing for pakistan. you know you must be a great little cook. i like to cook. oh, perhaps some evening i make a real japanese dinner for you and mrs. post. well, that'll be lovely. yeah, all right. i get kinda tired of post roast and steak i better go back to my typing. unless there's something else you wish. no, ako, you've done about everything except take off my shoes. i'm sorry i forgot. oh, no, no, ako, there's no need for that. no, no, please i'm... i'm very ticklish i warn you. (laughs)

we can't let ako show us up. we've gotta fight fire with fire. you're right. i can imagine how you feel with ako spending her lunch hours with gordon in the garden. oh, i don't know. i have a lot of faith in the colonel. and my high-powered binoculars. wilbur is just dying to taste her cooking. but i'm going to beat her to it. are you really gonna feed him a japanese meal? i'll feed him, i'll fan him, i'll tickle him, the works. number one geisha girl not going to become number two. and i think i know how to get that japanese beetle out of my husband's garden. (clearing throat) great! didn't i see you in bitter rice? i help master husband water on the poor flowers. never mind that tokyo rose.

no, now no... oh, no, no. you'll drown 'em. i'm not... oh, i'm sorry. i just wanted you to know how i felt about ako. well, don't cry honey. i didn't marry you because you were a gardener i married you because you were a helpless, gorgeous, american female with a wealthy father. thank you darling, that's the sweetest thing you ever said. (folk music playing) ah, thanks. oh, sorry lady.

i think my wife san flipped her wig san. hey, what's going on here? make husband comfortable, take off shoe. carol, cut that out. darling, you some kind of nut? oh dear, i am sorry, honey. look, i just wanted to surprise you with a real japanese dinner. well, i enjoyed the floor show. oh, thank you. oh, what have we here? oh. if you're gonna eat a japanese dinner you've got to dress for it, there. -how does that feel? -i don't know. i feel a little naked without a slip underneath. hey, what brought all this on?

now just because i make it... oh, now look sweetheart i enjoy anything you make. what's on the menu? raw fish. why don't we eat out tonight, huh? never mind, i'll call ako in from the office and she can fix something for you. you mean ako is still here? she's finishing up some typing. perfect secretary, perfect gardener, perfect cook, perfect everything. she can do everything better than i can. she can't do that better than you can. how do you know? well, i...i don't know actually i'm just taking a wild guess that's all. i mean she...all she does is take off my shoes...no, no one time she... she gives me cookies to eat and then she tickles my uh... with the...with the shoes on she was...

you don't like raw fish, huh? well makes me nervous to eat anything when it's staring back at me. well, there's plenty of other food. why don't you try the soup? -where's that? -under the geraniums. oh, yeah. nothing i like better than geranium soup. unless it's a dandelion cutlet. you would have loved it if ako had made it. now, carol. and how do you know she kisses better than i do? i didn't say that. you kiss better than she does. i mean, you both kiss the same. -no! -never mind. oh, ako. i have these contracts typed out, mr. post. -and if you can sign them i can mail them. -oh, thanks ako. the oriental setting was mrs. post's idea. she surprised me with this japanese dinner.

oh, it looks delicious. won't you join us? come on sit down next to madame butterfly . no, thank you. i must get back to the university before the library closes. well, how about tomorrow night? i gotta felling this food's gonna be around here for some time. mr. post, i'm afraid i must resign my job. why? i know, i've been working you too hard. well, no from now on you'll come in an hour later in the morning and you'll leave an hour earlier in the evening. and in between you'll have two sukiyaki breaks, how's that? it is not the hours, mr. post. i'm afraid i cannot give enough time to my school work. i'm sorry you can't stay, ako. i was hoping you'd teach me how to cook a real japanese dinner. oh, it's very simple. just find a store that sells tanaka yoshida tv dinners. good bye, mr. post. i enjoy working for you.

sayonara and, best of luck in you school work. thank you and good bye, mrs. post. good bye, ako, and do come by to see us whenever you can. thank you. sayonara. sayonara. oh, boy, i'm gonna miss her tickling. -oh, you are, are you? well i... -no, no, no...

hello, ed. ed, are you in there? you called, sahib ? never mind that. what's with the dark glasses and the pith helmet? i'm joining the peace corps. oh, ed, come on. (reading) relax, ed. ako resigned. why you'll be able to talk to me again all day long. oh, really? ah, how about throwing a welcome home party for me? you really were gonna join the peace corps, huh? oh, yeah. when i make up my mind i... you big phony. you weren't going anywhere. that's just a lot of old newspapers. well, i called and found out they're only taking camels for overseas service.

and you know me, i hate surgery. brother. oh. morning, jeannie.

oh, yes? ready for what? to go for a ride with you in the magic cart that goes like the wind. well, it's not a cart. it's a car. a car. and i'm afraid i can't take you out today, jeannie. i'm right in the middle of an experiment. oh, you always say that. well, i always am. i know. you want me to ask you what this experiment is about. do you really want to know? mm. if it pleases thee to tell me. i'm working on a small, portable desalinization unit. and if it works, it's going to solve one of the most pressing problems in-- in-- well, in modern history. the shortage of fresh water. very interesting. when we go riding, may i sit behind the wheel that moves the magic cart? with this unit, if you're stranded in the middle of the ocean, on an island, say-- well, like we were. you can make all the fresh water you need right out of the ocean. let us get stranded again so we can try it out. there has to be a way to lick this. oh, nothing could be easier.