- if you want anything at the may company, that's where i'm going. - no. - or saks 5th avenue, or rolex. (laughter) well, if there is anything you don't want, i can get it and you can return it. (laughter) - no. - well then, goodbye. - goodbye. (kiss) that's the third time you kissed me, and i love it, but what about blanche? - oh, well. alright, if you'd rather kiss her -- - oh, no, no, no. - but she's already got her shopping money by kissing harry. (laughter) - oh, sure, but i think i get it. (laughter) - for me? what a surprise. - surprise? surprise, yes. - i knew it would surprise you. - good morning, dad. - [george] good morning, ronnie. - mother, mrs. morton said to remind you that she is downstairs waiting. - oh, well i'll be right down, blanche. goodbye, dear. - goodbye. (kiss) what was that one for? - well, in case i spend more money than you gave me. (laughter)

continuing your fight on ronnie coming home late, don't you dare do it. you fought enough last night. and especially you, george. you have no right to talk to ronnie the way you did after all he is your son not your husband. (laughter) - dad, i want to explain about last night, so that you won't be mad at me. - ronnie, i'm not mad at you. your exams are coming up, and i don't think you can read your books up at mulholland drive. it's dark up there. (laughter) - dad, i wasn't out with a girl last night. i was helping a friend of mine, frank brody, get settled. you see, frank goes to sc on a gi bill of rights, and he has a wife and a baby. it's pretty tough for a guy whose tied down like frank is. so i found an apartment that they could move into. i gave a check to the landlord as a deposit on the rent. here i'll show you the stub. - well, why didn't you tell me last night that you were looking for an apartment for frank brody and his wife? - dad, how could i? i didn't even get to say goodnight to you. - oh, i'm sorry. goodnight, ronnie. - goodnight, dad. - so you have your own checking account?

it's sort of an old age emergency fund. - [george] old age? - well, yes. when you get older you might not be as easy to get money from. (laughter) - [george] you know, ronnie, if you don't pass your exams, i might age before your next allowance. (laughter) - don't worry. i'm studying very hard. as a matter of fact, i'm bringing a girl home after school. her name is annabelle morris. she's going to help me with my greek philosophy. - good. you certainly need it. - yeah, you see aristotle, socrates, and plato were brilliant philosophers, and annabelle reminds me of them. - she's that smart. - oh, no, no, no. she just reminds me of them. she has to. when i'm with her i forget everything else. (laughter) - anybody want to buy my son? (laughter) wholesale. (jovial music) - it was a wonderful morning for shopping. wasn't it? - oh, certainly was. - you know, there is something about this winter air that makes me want to buy and buy and buy. (laughter)

i also feel the same way in the fall. - yeah, and in the spring. - and in the summer. - uh, huh. isn't it too bad there are only four seasons? - yeah. (laughter) - you know, it's a good thing that i gave george that extra kiss. i certainly used it up. - oh, you most certainly did. - i wonder if i should tell him. do you think i should, blanche? - it's a hard decision to make. (phone ringing) - just a minute, blanche and i are trying to decide whether i should tell my husband about that extra kiss. - what? - tell george. - thanks. we've decided to tell him. after all, it only cost 15 dollars. - may i speak with mr. ronald burns, please? - oh, he's not home right now. - can i leave a message for him? - well why bother coming over just for that? tell me what you want to say, and i'll tell it to him. - well, alright. would you tell him that the check he gave

was a dated incorrectly and would he make out another? - apartment that ronnie burns rented? - yes, i'm mr. waldon, the landlord. - oh, well what's your address? - 5118 north sycamore. - oh, dear. - anything wrong, gracie? - ronnie rented an apartment. that was his landlord. goodbye. (laughter) - ronnie leaving home? why? - oh, it's all george's fault. he's been fighting with ronnie. oh, that george burns. if he didn't have children, you couldn't call him a father. - maybe george has been too harsh on ronnie. - come on, blanche. you know, i'm going up and telling that husband of mine just what i think of him. i'm going to tell him that he's bossy, stubborn, arrogant. you know some more words, blanche? - well, certainly i do. nasty, inconsiderate, and overbearing.

- these are very nice compliments but why? - well, thanks to you ronnie has rented an apartment. - ronnie rented an apartment? - his landlord just phoned. ronnie gave him a check with the wrong date. - gracie, if i explain this, will you listen? - oh, you don't have to explain it. i know what it is to put a wrong date on a check. i do it everyday. come, blanche. - i think i know what's going on, but i'd better make sure. - [blanche] but gracie, what can you do at ronnie's apartment? - well, i can at least see if the place is comfortable and if he needs anything. - oh, do you want me to go with you? - oh, no, no, no, blanche. you stay here and get a pad and pencil, and if you can think of anymore words that fit, oooh, that george burns, you write them down. (mischievous music)

i'd love to straighten gracie out, but i can't. she ever got anything straight i'd get so mixed up that i'd have to get a fellow with a bigger cigar to straighten us both out. (laughter) you heard of instant milk and instant coffee? well, i'm putting a new product on the market called instant confusion. you put any situation, you add a little gracie, and there you are. and if you know where you are, you haven't taken enough. (laughter) i'll never forget on my 40th birthday gracie told everybody i was 60, and i asked her why, and she say's it's very flattering to have people think that you are 60 because you look at least five or six years younger. (laughter)

trying to catch up to my age. (laughter) i've passed it twice. (laughter) but ronnie is going to leave home one of these days, and gracie better get used to the idea. i'm sure he wouldn't want to stay home and have someone support him for the rest of his life. he's my son, and he takes after me, and... we'll be seeing a lot of that boy. (laughter) now i left home when i was 14. of course my parents started asking me to leave when i was eight. (laughter) not that they were cruel, but we had a big family, and they needed the space. (laughter) the thing that kept me there the extra six years is we had a hole in the sofa, and my job was to sit on it, so people wouldn't notice it. (laughter) to this day i'm very uncomfortable when i sit on a sofa unless i can fall through it. but you know, very often we do something

take this man hanagan i've been reading about in the paper. now, his best friend ran away with his wife, and hanagan felt terrible about it. you see, hanagan didn't know the man's name and he couldn't write to thank him. (laughter) in fact, before the man took his wife hanagan didn't even know the man was his best friend. (laughter) but i'm sure we all hope that gracie clears up this situation. but not for another 18 minutes, or we will be short. (laughter) - it's sweet of you to watch the baby while i go shopping, mrs. barlow. - oh, that's what neighbors are for. we're all very friendly here. - oh, you certainly are. considering my husband and i just moved in last night. - oh, i'm glad to do it. i'm crazy about babies, and yours is mighty cute. - [mrs. brody] well, thanks again. and i'll hurry back. - [mrs. barlow] oh, take your time, dear. - bye. - you are sleeping like an angel,

where it's a little quieter. (doorbell) coming. yes? - oh, i must have the wrong apartment. i'm looking for six b, the apartment my son just moved into. - well, this is it. but he isn't here now. - oh, well then, may i come in and look around? - of course. - are you the landlady? - no, i'm mrs. barlow, the neighbor from across the hall, and i'm just taking care of things while your son's wife is out shopping. - his wife? - yes. - oh my goodness. - what's wrong? you seem surprised. - well, how would you feel if you sat down just as a plain mother and found out you were an in law before the chair was even warm? (laughter) - you mean, you didn't know your son had a wife?

he must have gotten married just this morning. (laughter) - oh, i hardly think so. - well, why not? (baby crying) was that a baby crying in the next room? - yes. - and has that room got anything to do with this room? - yes, it's the same apartment. (laughter) - may i have a glass of water, please? (laughter) - i guess you didn't know about the baby either. - [gracie] well, no, but... oh, i'm so thrilled. i can't wait to see the little darling. - i'll get the baby. (baby crying) - oh, he sounds just like ronnie. (laughter) oh, what a beautiful baby. - does he look like your son? - [gracie] no, no. he's much smaller. - i mean, does he have features like your son.

- yeah, they're all there. (laughter) - and now that you're here i wonder if you'd like to sit with the baby until your son's wife returns. - oh, yes. i'd be glad to. - there's some things i could be doing at home, but if you need me i'll be right across the hall. oh, and by the way. there's some formula in the kitchen. before i go would you like me to heat it for you? - oh, no thank you. i've already had my lunch. (laughter) - no, it's for the -- - oh, i know it's for the baby. you know, it's been so long since i've been one, i forgot. (laughter) bye. oh you're so sweet. i'll take you home and leave a note for your mother. how will george feel about this? (baby crying) - oh, please. you haven't even seen him yet. he's really nice, but it may take a little doing getting him use to being a grandfather. (laughter)

i'm going to call blanche. she's your grand-neighbor. and i'll tell her to break

- gracie, we must have a bad connection. harry, poor me a glass of blackberry cordial, huh? now wait a minute, honey. i'm going to spell it out. b a b y? no matter what way you twist it, it still comes out baby. i'll do the best i can. yeah. goodbye. - blanche, what was this about an infant? and you do not need spurious courage of alcohol. - ronnie is married and the father of a baby. (laughter) - blanche, are you sure? - gracie is on her way home now with the baby. - well, it's easy to understand. young ronald fell in love, as youth will. he wanted the marriage, but rather than face the disapproval of that curmudgeon of a father of his, he decided to keep it a secret.

gracie wants me to go over there and soften him up before she gets there. i'll soften up that old curmudgeon. if he says one word about ronnie or that baby -- - oh no blanche, not you. you're much too overwrought. this task calls for tact and finesse. the welfare of a small child is at stake. i shall handle it. (laughter) - oh, harry. will you? - yes. i will appeal to george's finer instincts. fill his pride, humanity, and if that fails i will with my own two hands perpetrate physical violence on him. - [blanche] yeah, give it to that old curmudgeon. - i shall. - harry? - yes. - what's a curmudgeon? (laughter) - well, it is best described as a grasping, (mumbling), a cross, ill natured, cantankerous man. now cantankerous can be described as a -- - harry, oh harry. you'd better get over there before that baby grows up and breaks the news to george himself.

- so, harry is on his way over to soften me up. it's too bad he lives that close, but maybe i've got time to tell you this funny story. a man came home very late, and the next morning his wife found a bicycle bell in his pants pocket, and he said, "honey, i'm sure i can explain it." (knocking) too bad. it's a wonderful joke. come in. - george, i would like to talk to you if you're not too busy. - i'm not too busy, harry. what is it? - i am here because i am your closest friend and neighbor. - i know, and it's too bad you live that close, or we'd all know what happened to the wife when she found the bicycle bell in her husband's pocket. (laughter) - what? - oh, it's nothing. go ahead, harry. i'm sorry i interrupted you. - george, we both understand one thing. marriage can be beautiful. frequently, it can be trying. but it's manifold advantages far overshadow these moments of stress. the bonds of matrimony are the sinews which bind our civilized world together.

but when does little eva cross the ice? (laughter) - why did i move into this neighborhood? - look harry, i don't want you driving unaware, but try to get there a little faster. - george, i am merely -- - without these tremendous detours. (both talking at once) - [harry] i am merely leading up to the subject of young ronald's marriage. i am only trying -- - marriage? (laughter) marriage? - oh, no, no. i didn't say that. no, no, no. - oh, good. you gave me an awful scare. - you must prepare yourself for the time when ronald will -- - look, harry, stop knocking yourself out. if ronnie finds the right girl, it's alright with me. - wonderful. - but. - yes? - he better not have children. (laughter) - what have you got against children? - well, when gracie and i played at vaudeville they always got in at half price. (laughter) - i trust that was an attempt at humor. - look, harry. if i was a grandfather, it would wreck my television career. you see, for the last 40 years people

- juvenile? - in show business until i was 20 i played old man parts. - good day. - i thought that would do it. (laughter) so the husband said, "i can explain why "the bicycle bell was in my pocket. "you see, those weren't my pants. "they belonged to the western union boy." it didn't get a laugh? and it's a very funny joke. something must have spoiled it. (disappointed music) - [von zell] gracie, i can't believe that this is ronnie's baby. - hush, you'll wake him up. - oh, i'm sorry. but why does ronnie have to keep this from you and george? he can tell you he's married. at least give you a hint. - he did. - he did? - if that isn't a hint that you're married, i don't know what is. (laughter) - [von zell] that's very true. - oh, there you are, gracie. hello, von zell. - hello, harry.

fortunately, he resembles you more than that old curmudgeon up there. - oh, is there someone upstairs with george? (laughter) - it is george. gracie, i must warn you. for the time being, george must not be told that he is the baby's grandfather. (baby crying) - oh, dear. he does that every time anybody mentions george. (baby crying) well maybe, i think he's hungry. i'll go heat some milk. - [von zell] uh, gracie. what about the baby's formula? - oh, no thanks. we just had some at his house. (laughter) - the way he just lies there doing nothing and ordering people around sure reminds me of george. (baby crying) i forgot. i shouldn't have mentioned that name in front of him. - can't we do something to stop this hullabaloo. (unintelligible baby talk)

- this little piggy went to the market. this little piggy stayed home. this little piggy had roast beef. this little piggy had none. (laughter) - oh, did those bad men frighten you? - mmmm, delicious. as long as we ate together, we can certainly drink together. (laughter) - i believe i shall retire to the blessed quiet of my own house. (laughter) - oh gracie, i can see that you're very happy. - oh, i am. - gracie, there's something i know... what's the live prop doing here? (laughter) whose baby is that? - well, george. doesn't something happen when you look at this baby? does a wonderful warm glow come over you that you can't explain? - no. - it's harry von zell's baby.

- [gracie] oh, i'm going in the kitchen and wash some bottles while you congratulate harry. (laughter) - this is your baby? (stuttering) - well, it must be because you speak exactly alike. (laughter) why didn't you tell me you were married? a wife and a son. you should be getting more money. i'm not paying you enough. - that's right, you're not. - yeah, but i got a wife and son too, so i can't afford to pay anymore. (laughter) harry, it's been nice. - i'm fired? - yes, harry. harry, you're leaving your baby? - it's not my baby. i've never seen it before in my life. i'm always getting mixed up in these situations because everybody thinks i'm stupid, but let me tell you something. they're right. i am. (laughter) - gracie. hello pretty baby. (raspberry) you see it's not true.

- yes, dear. - gracie, that's not von zell's baby. there's something i know that i think you ought to know. - hello, mother, dad. i want you to meet annabelle morris. - hello, annabelle. - hello. - she came over to help -- - i know, i know. but you'd better let me break the news. - news? - oh, yes. george, the time has come to tell the truth. this is ronnie's wife. - well, congratulations. what a beautiful girl. - welcome to the family. (laughter) - mother. there is something wrong. annabelle came over to help me with socrates. - oh, is that his name. oh, darling little socrates. you and ronnie have a beautiful baby. - mrs. burns, i'm terribly confused. i don't know whose that baby is, but it certainly isn't mine. - it isn't? honestly. - [annabelle] no. - oh. - that's what i was trying to tell you. we're just friends. we're not married. - oh, you should be ashamed of yourself. running around with this girl while your poor wife is sitting at home

- wife? baby? why you, you two timer. you enjoy your greek philosophy. - are you mad at him? (laughter) - is that my baby? - that's right. - who is she? - she's the mother. - oh, i seem to be repeating myself, but welcome to the family. (laughter) - mrs. burns, that note you left. what made you think that ronnie and i are married? - well, aren't you? - well, of course not. - oh, dear. but welcome to the family. (laughter) - [george] so naturally when the landlord phoned, you thought ronnie rented the place. - my goodness. what an awful mistake i made.

- oh, no, no. it's those mistakes that keep me going. - i'm glad you're in a good mood because as soon as i finish my coffee i have to kiss you about 20 times. - oh, you love me that much, eh? - no, that's not the reason. - that's not the reason? - when i thought that was ronnie's apartment i went out and bought all new furniture for him. - well, welcome to the family. - you know something? you're just as cute as socrates. - cuter. - i think so. (applause) - yes, george and gracie will be right back

- [voiceover] george and gracie. (applause) - thank you. thank you very much. well gracie, which one of your relatives will we talk about tonight? - well, my cousin colonel jack allen asked us to talk about him. - oh, does he watch our show? - no. he keeps missing it. - he keeps missing it? - yes, well you see seven years ago when we first went on television, he tuned in when we were just finishing and he heard the announcer say, "tune in the same time next week "for george burns and gracie allen." - so? - so, he keeps tuning in at the same time, and he hasn't seen us yet. (laughter) - well that's nice. colonel jack allen. he sounds like a soldier of fortune. - oh, he was. - i thought he was. - he'd fight anywhere. like the time he got involved in war between

- well, that sounds very exciting. - well, it was. the sheik of one tribe wanted some modern weapons, so colonel jack offered to sell him the plans for one. - and how much money did he get? - not a cent. - not a cent? - no, he delivered the plans but he didn't get paid. - he didn't get paid? - no, after the sheik built the submarine he didn't know what to do with it. (laughter) - well, it's true as a soldier of fortune he was nothing but then again he was a bad salesman, so that made up for it. - and another time he wanted to get some secret information from a foreign count who was crazy about women, so colonel jack put on women's clothes and a wig, and he flirted with the count in a very fashionable restaurant. - and got the secret information? - no. - no, he didn't. - no, my cousin was too polite. - he was too polite? - just when the count was ready to tell him everything a beautiful came over to the table, and -- - and what, and what? - and the colonel jack stood up, and he tipped his wig.

- if you saw him, he looks like him too. - i'm sure he does. - well, now how about the time he was captured by the enemy and thrown into prison, and he volunteered to be shot at sunrise? - he wanted to stand in front of the firing squad? - yes, you see, he always ran short of cigarettes in the morning, and that was the only way you could get one. (laughter) - gracie, say goodnight. - goodnight and hello, colonel jack. - hello, colonel jack? - well, he's just starting to tune in. - oh, hello and goodnight. (applause) (jovial music) - all right, chuck, let's get all this stuff on board and i'm going over and report to binghamton. - what are you going to report, skip? how we almost bagged that nip pt boat? - ah, look, was it our fault that squall set in just when we had them in range? - look, boys, that's the breaks of the game. - breaks, my foot. it's just been bad luck all day. - sure, like piling up on that sandbar. - mm-hmm, and losing that case of beer. - what are you guys griping about? i was sitting on it when it went overboard. - the way i see it, we were lucky to get back at all.

friday the 13th. - friday the 13th. - oh, brother! - no wonder everything went wrong. - i knew we should've stayed in bed. - now, will you guys knock it off? the first thing you know, you're going to be looking for ghosts in the rigging. believe me, friday the 13th is no different than any other day. i think. - absolutely! and nobody with any sense believes in that superstitious junk. [cat meowing] - hey! hey, a black cat! - easy, easy! - you all right, mr. parker? - did you hurt yourself, sir? - never mind that! get me out of here! help! - parker! [all talking at once] - you did it again!

- so help me, parker, if it's the last thing i ever do, i'll see that you get 10 years in the brig for every bone that you broke! - ah, well, now...why don't you sit down, captain? you're all on edge, sir.

this time i've got proof that this imbecile tried to kill me. x-rays don't lie. - sir, your x-rays just came back from the lab. not a single, solitary break. - you heard that? not a single...oh. not even a little bone fracture? - sir, you must be made of steel. - hey, boy, that's great, wally! now you won't be needing this. - i swear, i'm going to kill him. - no, no, no, no, please, please, sir. mr. parker didn't mean any harm, sir. you see, the fellas are all superstitious and all he was trying to do was to prevent a black cat from jumping on the 73, sir. that's all. - yeah, that's right. you know, a black cat is seven years bad luck and you multiply that by friday the 13th and--or is that mirrors? - i tell you--oh! - i'll take you right back to x-ray. maybe this time you have a break! - you're not taking me anywhere. just get your hands off of me. you men get out of my sight. get out, out, out! - yes, sir.

- don't you worry about your bad leg. it never hurt a naval career. look at long john silver. - so long, captain. bye! - oh! black cats! friday the 13th! i've never heard such flimsy excuses for an attack on a superior officer in my life. how stupid do they think i am? - well, sir, i-- - shut up! - sir, i was merely going to say that you know that sailors have always been superstitious. you know how they believe in things like ill omens and jinxed ships and-- - shut your big mouth and you keep it shut! the gall--defending those pirates to me. i-- wait a minute. what did you say? repeat what you just said. come on, elroy, talk, talk, talk! - sir, if i do talk i'm in trouble, and if i don't talk i'm in trouble. - that's very good elroy, you ought to take up ventriloquism. say you were superstitious, elroy, and you were on what you thought was a jinxed ship in combat waters. what would you do? what? what? what?

- oh, sir, i'd be begging my c.o. for a transfer to anywhere. but i don't see--what a brilliant idea, sir. that's absolutely brilliant. we make them think that the 73 boat is jinxed. - aha! - oh, sir! - ah, whoever said friday the 13th was unlucky? ha-ha-ha. oh, i-oh-ooh! - sir, that's my hat. - now for a cold beer. - aye! - skip, what are they doing to our boat? - they changed our number. - to 13. - that does it, sailor. dismissed. uh-uh. - oh, commander! - all right, carpy. what's the idea of putting that number on our boat? - yeah, we're the 73, not the 13. - come on, give, start talking, carpy. - well, now, i really shouldn't say anything--but... according to this letter, your boat was originally commissioned pt 13.

- what are you talking about? - what disaster? - tell us! - come on, come on, give! start talking! or you'll have a little disaster right here! - well, all right. all the gory details are right here in this report. it says--ooh, the captain! - what are you doing with that letter? what, what, what? - nothing, sir, nothing. i--nothing. - i told you just change the number on their boat and keep your big, fat mouth shut. - now, wait a minute, captain. if there's something in that letter we should know about-- - i will decide what you should know about around here, mchale. - but, captain-- - be quiet. now, you take that letter back to my office and you file it, and you meet me at the supply shack for inventory. move. hubba, hubba, hubba. - yes, sir. - but, captain-- - quiet, i said. the same goes for you and your pirates. you take the 13 boat and you move, move, move! - now, captain-- - move. - what's going on? - there's something about all this that just doesn't smell kosher to me. - our sentiments exactly, skip, and there's only one way to find out.

- here you go, skip. it was easy as borrowing ice cubes from an eskimo. - come on, let's see it! - you apes, pipe down. - hey, guys, dig. it says here she really was commissioned pt 13. - oh, no. on the first day out the whole crew was drowned. - what do you mean, drowned? it says right here they were blown up when the gas tanks exploded. - that was the second crew out. see, it says she lost 2 crews. - look at all the accidents she had! - and they never could find out why. - no wonder she's been a floating jonah. - she's jinxed. guys, we're living on borrowed time. - oh, come on, you calamity hounds, knock it off. pt 73 or 13, she's still the same boat and she's been mighty good to us. now, put this letter back in the files and forget it. you read me? forget it! - forget it? but, skip-- - no buts about it.

answers to me, you understand? move out! - too bad, sir. it'll never work as long as commander mchale is around. - he is not going to be around, you ninny! we're ready for phase 2. i'm sending him up to comfleet as a special courier. tonight. - you are, sir? oh, good--oh! and while the cat's away... - we lower the boom, on the rats! - ooh! - oh, thank you, elroy. - yoo-hoo! - what was that? - did you all hear that? what was it? - what, what? - what happened? - oh, it's you, mr. parker. - hey, did you guys hear that funny noise down by the boat? - no, i didn't hear anything. - come on, mr. parker, we've got enough problems as it is without you starting to imagine things. why don't you go back to sleep, huh? [engine noise] - what was that? - it sounded like the 73. - you mean, the 13. - oh, boy, what a time

- there's no one on board. - huh? then, who started the engines? - well, i'm going to find out. maybe we all better find out. turn out the lights. - here they come, sir. i can hardly wait to see the expression on their faces when i pull this string. - get down, you nitwit, nobody pulls your string. - hey, the boat's running all by itself. - like it was haunted or something. - it isn't only jinxed, she's a regular ghost ship. - calm down, you guys. we all know there's no such thing as g-ghosts. follow me. [gunfire] - i take it back, i believe! i believe! [gunfire]

- i don't know. i ain't hanging around to find out! - me either. fighting the nips is one thing, but this we're not getting paid for. - go easy, guys. calm down. now, we're supposed to be sailors in the united states navy. we're supposed to be brave and fearless, and above all, men. [screeching] what was that? - sounded like it came from below. - pull yourself together, virgil. - whoever it is must have started those engines and fired that gun. - yeah. - well, now, see, i told you guys there was nothing to worry about. all it was a little black-- a black-- abandon ship! abandon it now. - oh ho, good morning, elroy. - good morning, sir. sir, they've arrived, and by gig, they're afraid to even get on pt 13. - oh ho, i tell you, this is my finest hour.

- get the radio message ready. we've got to work fast before mchale gets back. [knock on door] here they are. there they are now. out, out, outside the door. hurry, boy, hurry. oh-oh-oh! will you watch what you're doing! i've never seen anything like you! get in here, all of you. oh. now, then, i've called you men over here to discuss your new patrol assignment. starting tonight you will sail the area between katakai-- - tonight, sir? on our boat? - no, on the "mayflower," you nitwit! of course on your boat! what's the matter with your boat? anything wrong with it? - anything wrong with it? - no! it's fine. - no. nothing wrong with it. - very well, then. starting tonight-- - sir, captain binghamton, sir! an urgent message from commander mchale to his crew, sir. - what does that blowhard want now? - no fair peaking, sir. it's addressed to us. i mean, after all, cheaters never prosper. - i'd like to give you a good rap right in the snoot!

- let's get out of here, elroy. i can't stand the sight of these men. - "confirmed history of pt 13." - "stay off boat at all costs." - "advise you put in for immediate transfer to comfleet for reassignment." - will meet you there. - hey, how about that, boys? just in the nick of time. good old skip! - yeah, that tub really has the whammy on it. - yeah, but the skip came through. - i knew he wouldn't let us down. - i bet he's already lined up a new boat for us. - a new boat! hey! [all cheering] - what's going on here? what's the racket? what? what? what? what's the... - sir, as officer in charge, i request that you draw up transfers for our signatures. - transfers? - transfers. - that's right. - transfers. - he wants one, too.

- hey, guys, the skip! - hey, skip! - listen, are we glad to see you! - hey, whenenid you get back? - ah, a couple of fly boys just dropped me off. but what were you guys doing over with binghamton for so long? - don't worry about a thing, skip. we got your message. we took care of everything.

all signed and ready to go. - what's all signed? - the transfers, so we can ship off to comfleet. hey, skip, what's our new boat look like? - what are you guys talking about? we're not getting any new boat and i never sent any message. - you didn't? - no! - but you had to. - we saw it in black and white. - oh, yeah. like you saw that phony report from washington. i checked it out. there never was a pt 13. binghamton! binghamton made up that whole haunted boat routine. - oh, no! - and we fell for it! - then the boat's not jinxed! - well, he just made suckers out of us! - listen, once those transfer papers reach comfleet, - we're dead! - ah! - anyone want to borrow hari-kari knife? - no, that's too messy, fuji. but if you had a can of spoiled sea rations? - all right, all right, knock it off. we're not going to give it up yet. what we've gotta do is to get those transfers back from binghamton. we've gotta-- hey, now, wait a minute-- wait just an ever-loving minute here.

- well, now, look, old leadbottom got us into this mess by saying that the 73 was jinxed, right? - yeah. - well, then, if he wants to play dirty pool, so can we, boys. - oh, uh, skip, my mother won't let me play pool. could we make it dirty ping pong? - come over here, boys. now, listen to this... - look at that, carpenter, isn't that beautiful? seven requests for transfer. the end of mchale's mob. - oh, sir, i bow to your genius! here, let me lock them up for safekeeping. - ah, get your grubby fingers off of these little treasures. they are not leaving my sight until that mail plane takes off tomorrow. do you read me? they are not leaving my sight! [knock on door] come in. - sir, you'd better come quickly. the 13 boat is in trouble. - 13 boat, we don't have any 13-- oh, well, why didn't you say so? what kind of trouble? what is it? - they're under enemy attack, sir. we just picked up a mayday from commander mchale on the emergency combat frequency.

[gunfire] - hard to port, christy, hard to port! our only chance is evasive action! - mchale! this is captain binghamton. you're supposed to be at comfleet. what are you doing on that boat? - i was on my way over to report when the nips jumped us! duck, guys, here they come again! [dive bomber sound] - they're diving out of the sun! - look at 'em come! - i don't wanna die! - shoot, men! shoot, boys! shoot! - oh, virge, you missed them again. what's the matter? - i don't know, skip. it acts like the sight's bent. i think the gun's been sabotaged! - oh, no! we're through. - he said sabotaged. you don't think that they suspect that you were the one who-- - shut your blabbermouth! what are you standing around gawking at? don't you have anything else to do? get out of here! out! out! out! - get his name. - yes, sir.

they're gonna strafe us! - yankees, you die! - sir, the nip pilot's on the same wavelength. - mchale! break off the action and run for it! - we'll try, captain, but we're breaking it. tinker, hit those engines! - ooh, my foot! my foot! - mr. parker's been hit! stretcher-bearers! - oh, what a way to go! - be strong, mr. parker! - virgil, what's wrong with those engines? - we're cutting out. somebody's been monkeying with the engine! - oh, no! [yelling] [crackles] - the engines! sir, you didn't-- - of course not, you nitwit. all i did was adjust the fuel valve. i didn't know it-- i didn't mean to-- mchale, can't you get those engines started? - no, sir. watch out, boys, he's diving in for the kill!

- oh, no, no, no. if anything happens to those dear boys, it'll be all my fault. [banging] [droning] - take cover, boys! he's diving down! - die, yankee! bonsai! - he got us! a direct hit! - skip, i'm too young to die! save me! - oh, i can't, i can't! oh, here i go, i'm in the wreckage! - oh, good-bye, mom! good-bye, aunt martha! good-bye, cousin julia! good-bye, uncle elton! [gurgling] - if ever i find out who sabotaged this tub, i'll come back from the grave to get even! glug! glug! glug! glug! - mchale! mchale, come back, i didn't mean it! quinton!

anybody! speak to me! it's wally! - it's no use, sir. they're gone! - i tell you, i've heard some battles in my day, but this day has been something! - ease off, you academy award winners! that was only act one. now, we're going to sneak over to the base for the grand finale! [laughter] - ooh, easy does it, sir. those pills the nurse gave you will help you through the night. - i tell you, elroy, i'll never be the same, never. i wanted to get rid of them, but not like this. how am i going to get over this? how? how? how?

those pills should relax you, sir. - rest, gee... i'll never rest again. how can i live with a thing like this? the torment is awful. and, don't forget, you're in on it, too. - what's happened to my light? oh, that stupid electrician's mate, i'll give him a piece of my mind. come back here. - whoooo! - who did that? where's my phone? and who's making those ridiculous noises? who? who? who? who? - we are, captain. - we? we, who?

- remember us. we are the ghosts of pt 13. - ooh! it's not possible. it must be my imagination. there's no such thing as ghosts. lights, i need some lights. the flashlight. let me get my flashlight. - oh, captain. - m-m-mchale? i thought you were dead. - well, of course, i'm dead. we're all dead.

no, oh, no! - oh, hi, wally! i was just flying around the neighborhood. thought i'd drop in. - parker, you're dead, too! i heard you die! - that's right, wally. we've all gone to the big pt boat in the sky. - ah, you don't seem very glad to see us, captain. - keep away from me! don't you hurt me! - down, down, down, down! come on! come on! come on! ok, let's go. come on! - i've got to get my gun! - helloooo, theeere!

- get back, i don't want to know. get back! it's against regulations to haunt a superior officer! - you know, maybe he's got something there, skip. ooooh! - captain, you've got something we waaaant! - oh, mchale, you stop. mchale, you stop! i order you to stop! - so long, wally! - byyyyee! - i'll give you anything you want. anything at all! anything! - i want the transfers my men signed. - yeah, wally, we need them for our records. the run a tight cloud up there. - the transfers? - the transfers. - the traaaaansfers! - the traaaaansfers! - the traaaaansfers! - here, take 'em! take 'em! take 'em!

go, go, go, stop haunting me. stop haunting me. just go, go! - farewell, captain, farewell! hope you make it up our way. - ok, christy, upsadaisy. - so long, skip. - christy, watch what you're doing! - i'm trying. the wires stuck! - well, unstick it! - oh, hi, captain. having a little wing trouble. i think i springed a feather. - what's going on here? - oh, i'm just waiting to get cleared by the control tower. pretty busy up there. - stand back! - angel 13 to tower, ready for take off. - take off! - angels, huh! ghosts, huh! i tell you, mchale, this is one of the most dastardly plots that you've ever-- - oh, now, now, easy does it, captain! easy does it!

the transfers! - take him up, christy! - wait a minute, i've got their signatures right here! ow! ooh-ooh! - sorry, captain, but i think you're a bit too late. - [muttering]

- aha! ah! - hey, how does it look? - oh, that's ok, willy. why, golly, boys, the old 73 is back in business! - [cheering] - knock it off! knock it off! i said, knock it off! this is a naval base. this isn't a football rally. - yes, sir, but remember our deal, sir. you give us back our number, and we won't tell admiral rogers the whole story about why you changed it. - you blackmailing bilge-rats, you... - ah-ah-ah-ah! - all right, mchale, you win this round.

oh, what's the use! get this tub out of my sight before i have you all arrested for loitering. - yes, sir! yes, sir! - oh, sir, watch! it's bad luck to walk under a ladder! - chuck, no! no, chuck! - i swear, i could... - now, captain, now, now-- if you want to you go right ahead. we'll understand! - [screaming] - a little to the left, commander. - a little to the right, commander. - will you guys make up your mind? there. how's this, mr. parker? - oh, i'm getting nervous. i should have never let you talk me into this, gruber. - come, come now, mr. parker. you already agreed. a good officer helps his men with their problems. and mine happens to be ginger. - i should have such problems. wow-wow-wow-wowie! - can you picture a classy doll like that falling for anybody less than a lieutenant commander?

- yeah. well, forget about her. what happens when the skipper finds out i let you borrow one of his uniforms? - look. ginger is hoofing in vaudeville back in the states. that's 6,000 miles away. the skipper's over on mainside. that's 3 miles away. so you got nothing to worry about. now look, mr. parker, i hate to pull rank, but...[snaps fingers] click click. - oy vey. - sayonara! - aah! wait up for your commander! - all right. now watch the birdie and smile. hey, gruber, where did you go? ah, you moved. boy, now look what you did. you're all out of focus. you look short, fat, and funny. - chuck, it's the captain. - i can--oh! attention! - you dunce. what are you doing under there? get out of there. out, out, out.