- yeah. well, forget about her. what happens when the skipper finds out i let you borrow one of his uniforms? - look. ginger is hoofing in vaudeville back in the states. that's 6,000 miles away. the skipper's over on mainside. that's 3 miles away. so you got nothing to worry about. now look, mr. parker, i hate to pull rank, but...[snaps fingers] click click. - oy vey. - sayonara! - aah! wait up for your commander! - all right. now watch the birdie and smile. hey, gruber, where did you go? ah, you moved. boy, now look what you did. you're all out of focus. you look short, fat, and funny. - chuck, it's the captain. - i can--oh! attention! - you dunce. what are you doing under there? get out of there. out, out, out.

here. you just better... excuse me, captain. now wait a minute. wait. wait. [coughing] - mchale, you saw that. he tried to shishkabob his commanding officer. - b-b-but now easy does it, captain. remember, control your temper, sir. - yeah. smile. say "cheese." - i'll cheese you, you...

- oh, man, this is murder. they've been in there with old lead bottom for over an hour now. - i sure hope the skipper can get mr. parker off. - i don't know what binghamton is so mad about. i thought he looked better with singed eyebrows. - gruber, you're lucky the skipper's such a good sport. - yeah. if binghamton found out you were wearing a commander's uniform, you'd be issued a new one with stripes. - yeah. you had to write your girl that you're a commander. - fellas, you don't understand. i'm in love. when you look like me, you've got to lie a little. [excited voices] - hey, that must be the new service show. - they must have just flown in. - look at those dolls. - wowie, men. stand aside. it's showtime. - hold it. hold it. i don't believe it. it's impossible! i can't stand it! - what's with you? - that one in the middle. that's my girlfriend ginger.

- she must have joined a service show. what am i going to do? - what are you going to do? man, are you wild and happy? go out there and grab her. this is a big break! - right. wait a minute. i can't do that. she thinks i'm a lieutenant commander. - murder. - are you in trouble. - what are you going to do? - if that guy lays one finger on her, i'll slug him! - easy, grube. - look, if she sees you, you're dead. - what happens when she asks for commander gruber? - what we'd better do is go out there and cover. - you duck, grube. - duck. good idea. - come on, you guys. [excited voices] - excuse me, sailor. i'll be right back. is anyone here from pt-73? - you're in luck there, lady. - oh, wonderful. i can hardly believe it. you know, it's almost a miracle i got here. tell me, where is commander gruber? - shh! - right this way, dear lady, where we can talk. - is anything wrong? i mean, did anything happen to commander gruber? - please don't mention that name. - he's fine, except he's out on a secret mission. - where is he? when will he be back?

he's always in action, out there...somewhere. - ginger, come on. we've got to report in. - ok. i'm coming, rita. is there any chance that he'll be back before we have to leave? - yeah, maybe. that is, if he gets his quota of nips before lunch. - if the tiger returns, we'll let you know. - aw, gee. thanks, fellas. i'll be waiting to hear from you. - now, listen. remember... not a word about commander you-know-who to anybody. - yes, i know. loose lips sink ships. oh, and i sure don't want to sink lester's. well, thanks, fellas. bye. - bye. - bye. - come on. - loose lips sink ships. i was sunk by a loose pen. oh, lester, you nut. why did you write her and tell her you were an officer? - why don't you go after her and tell her you lied? - are you kidding? i'd never be able to show my face in brooklyn again.

i want a word with you, that is, if your schedule isn't too full-up... commander. - whatever you say, skip. but please, just call me swabby. - you should have heard what binghamton called me. i'm going to have my mother write admiral nimitz. - all right, come on. let's go. - mchale put parker up to that. i know it. trying to kill me. that's what he's trying to do. i wonder how long it takes to grow new eyebrows. i've got to get rid of that mchale before he-- - sir, this-- - don't you ever knock? i was just... brushing my teeth. - sir, i'm terribly sorry, but this is an urgent request from commodore norcross of the british naval base over at kalawi, sir. - oh. hold my toothbrush. [muttering] how do you like that?

for liaison work, as if i didn't have enough problems of my own. what else have you got? what is it? - well, sir, this is a signal regarding that service show unit that just arrived. they're to be moved on to hilandi after they perform here, and we're supposed to see that-- - wait a minute. that's it. of course. that's the way to get rid of mchale. - ship him out with the service show, sir? oh, but that wouldn't work. he doesn't sing or dance. - sing or dance? you numskull! the british want a liaison officer. i'll assign them one... permanently. - oh, that's just brilliant, sir. oh, sir, you are brilliant. - knock it off. knock it off. stop gawking at me. get me the british base at kalawi on the scramble phone. go. - yes, sir. sir... if i may say so, i think you did an excellent job on your eyebrows. - oh, do you? well, thank you. i was afraid maybe i put too much on. oh, get out! out! out! out! - all right. then get on the boat. - oh, but, skip-- - get on the boat. - all right, gruber, you heard the skipper. that's an order. the romance lamp is out. - but i've got to see ginger. if i don't see her, i'll lose her. i'll be living at the "y" until i'm 60.

- no, i got to see ginger. wait a minute! you can't do this to me! it's against the geneva convention! i got a right to see my girl! wait for me! wait for me, my darling! i shall return! - i don't want to sound like i'm boasting, commodore norcross, and i really hate to lose him, but if you take mchale, you're not only getting a man who knows these waters, but you're getting an officer and a gentleman as well. - well, he certainly sounds like a very outstanding sort of a chap. - suppose you drop over here this afternoon for lunch, and we'll discuss the final details? - well, that would be splendid. thank you very much, captain binghamton. - all right. fine. i'll see you then. ta-ta. - oh, sir. - it worked. it worked! i'm getting rid of mchale! the british are coming. ta-ta, ta-ta. i'm getting rid of mchale. - skip. - what? - hey, skip, you got to do something about gruber. - just look at him. - we've never seen him so low. - isn't there some way he can see his girl?

look, he brought this on himself, and as far as i'm concerned, he can...well... [telephone ringing] - i'll get it, skip. - look, you guys must think-- - headquarters of pt-73. you want to speak to who? commander gruber? it's that girl, skip. - huh? - it's ginger. let me talk to her, please. if i can't see her, let me at least hear her voice. please, i beg of you. i'll tell her i'm between missions, and i'm just on my way out the door. please! - gruber, i told you that... all right. but make it short! - thank you, sir. thank you, skip. you make me so happy, i could cry. hello. commander gruber here. ginger. what a pleasant surprise. well, i had no idea you were on the base. just came back from a mission, typical one this morning. got 2 kraut subs, a nip destroyer, and 3 zeroes. [stomps] aah! nothing, dear. nothing, dear. just an old battle wound acting up. i'm fine.

and some ammo and then going right out again. i know. i can't. i can't say it here. my crew is all around. well...ok. [inhales] snookie-wookums loves little pussycat. - oh, brother. - but i can't. please, dear, don't cry. skip, she wants to come out here to see me. can't i be a commander for 5 minutes? - no! n-o! no! - 5 minutes. please, skip. that's all i ask. i may never see her again. oh, me. i was so happy on my little old freighter. all right, gruber. but just 5 minutes. 5! you understand? - bless you. bless you, skip. i'll never forget you for this. hello, pussycat. commander snookums back on the line here. you're in luck. a communique just arrived.

yes. i'll send my personal gig for you. roger, sugar. over and out. - commander snookums. - now i've heard everything. - i must have lost my marbles. - hey, anybody seen the skip's marbles? ok. now let's spread out and look-- you didn't mean it. - all right. knock off that goldbricking, you men. come on. shape up. let's go. let's go police the area, on the double. come on. hubba hubba hubba. - oh, snookums, i'd like to. - [ahem!] - oh, brother. - at last, my own command. aah! jealous. - oh, this is just so exciting.

i mean commander gruber. - well, the commander can hardly wait to see you either, ma'am. - a visitor arriving on gruber's island. detail, atten-hut! attention. attention! ten-hut! welcome aboard, miss. oh, here comes our commander now. detail, present arms. - oh, lester. - as you were, men. straighten up that line. chest out. stomach in. heads up. toes in. heels out. pussycat. - oh, i'm so happy to see you, lester. i'm so proud of you. - just doing my job, sweetheart. oh, i'd like to have you meet my exec officer. fine chap. taught him everything i know. my ensign, quint mchale. - oh. thank you, commander. thank you. ha. i...i hate to rush you, sir,

in exactly 40 seconds. - i'm aware of my schedule, ensign. man cannot live by war alone. i'd like you to meet the rest of my men. i took this bunch of draft-board rejects and molded them into the top combat unit in the pacific-- gruber's guerillas. - gunner's mate edwards! - yo! - radioman moss! - yo! - quartermaster christopher. - yo, sir. - machinist's mate bell. - yo! - last but not least, my fearless torpedo man... where is my torpedo man? - yo, sir! yo! sorry, sir. i had to leave the room. - [ahem] fall in. all right. straighten up that line. chest out. stomach in. - all right, men. that's enough. fall out. - ensign, you dare order these men to fall out

- oh...ha ha. oh... oh, excuse me, commander. ha ha. but i was doing this for your own good. i don't want you to miss your mission, sir. after all, we do want to keep your brilliant record intact. - well, i, uh... i guess you're right, mac. can't keep those nips waiting. good thinking. put yourself in for an oak-leaf cluster. - well, baby, it's going to have to be good-bye. - oh, lester. - hold it, sweetheart. - all right, men! about face! - all right, men, you heard the skipper. about face. - hi there.

- i still don't understand, commodore. why didn't we check in with captain binghamton when we arrived on taratupa? - a little strategic plan. you know all the praise that binghamton has been piling on this mchale fellow? well, don't you smell a little bit of stale kipper there, hmm? - he did seem overly enthusiastic, sir. - precisely. so i decided to visit mchale in his natural habitat, judge the fellow for myself. in that way, i won't be buying a pig in a poke, what? - good thinking, sir. - farewell, my darling. duty calls, and i must obey. - take good care of yourself. listen, don't take any unnecessary chances. - don't worry about a thing, pussycat. it's just another death-defying mission. - that's right. good-bye, miss. all right, christy, take her out. we've got to be shoving off, sir.

it worked, skip. we got away with it. - yeah, we got away with it. you... holy jumping... look what's coming! give me the jacket, quick! give me the jacket! - it's a british commodore! holy toledo! - boy, that's where i wish i were now, in toledo. - come on! - ahoy the dock. we are coming aboard. - oh, no. we're trapped. it's too late. hold it. hold it. come on. come on. attention. attention. ten-hut! - commander mchale? - yes, sir. - i wasn't talking to you, ensign. - well, i didn't say anything. - who gave you permission to speak, sailor? - back in the ranks, gruber. - yes, sir. - i believe the commodore was addressing you... commander mchale. - oh, sure. of course. yes, sir. of course. my mind was a thousand miles away, plotting a torpedo run. the war, you know.

- commodore norcross. this is my aide, lieutenant crowder. - how do you do? - charmed, i'm sure. - skipper, we've got 10 seconds to zero hour, sir. we've got to shove off. - right you are, ensign. if you'll excuse us, commodore, we're in the midst of a mission. so it's very nice meeting you chaps, and we've got to hop to it. all right. let's go, men. hop to it. - just a minute, mchale. you could do me a favor. i'd like to see how your american pt boats operate. mind if i come along and see the 73 in action? - that's not possible, sir. - will you stop interrupting, ensign. - what was that you were about to say, mr. parker? - well, i wasn't about to say anything. - nobody's talking to you, gruber. - oh. yes, sir, mr. parker. - commander, what the devil is going on here? - well-- - well, you see, sir, if you'll forgive us, i think it would be better if we called off the mission, sir. the men are a bit... battle-weary. ha. - good thinking, ensign. good thinking. - negative, mchale. now you get your men onboard. i don't know what's going on here,

it is an order. - well, as long as you put it that way, commodore... all right, men, battle stations! let's move out! after you, commodore. aah! it's the heat, sir. - are you sure you know what you're doing, commander? i mean, we've been circling these same islands for the last hour. - well, that's his strategy, sir. you see, he fools the enemy by pretending that he's lost at sea. - it always works, sir. - if i may suggest, why don't we return to base and try another day, sir? - now look here, ensign-- - good thinking, mr. parker. secure your stations, men. we're heading her in. - if you don't mind, commander, why don't i take the wheel? - right, but hold her steady, like i taught you. [stomps] aah! - skipper, nip sub on sonar! 2,000 yards, bearing 179!

tinker, stand by at depth charges! virgil, man those fifties! gruber, get on your torpedoes! - aye-aye, sir. - commander, where are you going? since when does an ensign give orders in combat? you're in command here, sir. - yes, sir. that's right. all right! get on those torpedoes, sailor! you heard him, men! you heard the ensign! do what he just said! that's an order! - sub surfacing at 11:00! - stand by, boys! on your toes, boys. they're going to shell us. - like he said, men. - don't you think you'd better go below, skipper? remember that old battle injury? - huh? oh, yeah. yeah. that's right, ensign. - commander. - old shrapnel wound, sir. a direct hit in '42 turned my hair blond. - it always bothers him in combat, sir. if you'll excuse him... - that's incredible. - sir, with those awful pains. - get below! - well, ensign, it looks as though our lives are in your hands now. - i'll do the best i can, sir. give them a blast of those fifties, virge. [machine gun firing]

- yeah, ready on those torpedoes! ooh, me. ready on the torpedo. - stand by. fire one! - fire one? which one? um... eeny-meeny-miny-- - fire one! - mo! [men cheering] - smashing, ensign. simply smashing. thank heavens there's somebody on this boat who knows what they're doing. - thank you, sir. - good show, gruber. - great work, men. we did it again. - we? why, you weren't even on deck. - uh, sorry you missed it, commander. you can have the next one, sir. all right, men, we're heading home. - yeah, like the ensign says, take her in.

- i fail to understand this, commander. your record is so outstanding. what on earth happened to you out there? - well, you know how it is, sir. some days you have it, some days you don't. - yes. well, you certainly didn't have it today. it looks as though our suspicions about this fellow binghamton are right. - captain binghamton, sir? - yes. he tried to talk us into taking this mchale blighter on as our liaison, and he wanted to have him transferred to us permanently. - oh, he did? why, that-- - those are my feelings exactly. - i say, that looks like captain binghamton coming now, sir. - captain binghamton? - nice to have you aboard, sir. but my men and i have to go out on another mission. we do one an hour, you know. ta-ta, pip-pip, and tally-ho. - you heard the commander, boys. let's shove off. bye-bye, sir. bye. - you know, crowder, sometimes i wonder why churchill was so anxious to have them on our side. - ah, commodore.

you didn't show up for lunch. - i pulled a little fastie on you, sir. - for your information, captain, the commodore and i have just been on a mission with your "superman" mchale. - oh. great. wasn't he the greatest? huh? - he's the greatest, all right. the greatest coward it's ever been my misfortune to meet. - a coward? he may drink a little, but he's no coward. - if ensign parker hadn't taken over command-- and brilliantly, i may add-- that nip sub would have certainly sunk us. - parker brilliant? there's something weird going on here. mchale. [engines running] mchale, you hold the 73. i want to have a talk with you and the brilliant parker. [engines revving] mchale, stop those engines! mchale, you stop hiding, and you come down here right away! it's an order! [engines stop] what in the blue pacific is this? trick-or-treats? all right, start talking, mchale.

- that's right, mchale. you tell them what happened out there. admit that you're a coward. - no, sir, this is not mchale. this is gruber. - are you daft, old chap? that is gruber. and, i may add, a first-class torpedo man. - eeny-meeny-miny-mo. - will you shut up! eeny-meeny-miny-mo. this nitwit is not gruber, sir. this is gruber. - commodore, if i can explain, sir. you see-- - one moment, mr. parker. i'm discussing this with your commanding officer. - this is not mr. parker. this is ensign parker. - is there something wrong with your eyes, captain? gruber's no ensign. mr. parker is the ensign. - no, no, no. see, you've got it all wrong. you see, gruber here is parker, and parker is mchale. you see? and mchale is mr. parker. - captain binghamton, are you well? - and i'm well. no--yes, i'm well. these pirates are just trying to pull a masquerade. but the masquerade is over, mchale. now, why did you switch uniforms? why? why? why? - well...well, it was to trick the nips, sir. - trick the nips? it was to trick the limeys. - what? - the british.

- i'm parker. - oh. how do you do? - i do not know what's going on here, but i do know that i've had enough. come on, crowder. these americans are as nutty as a barge load of fruitcakes. - hold on. no, wait. please. mchale is a very fine officer. if you'll just take him with you-- but, sir-- please, sir, you've got to take mchale. he's really a very fine officer. - just forget it. forget we ever brought up the subject. good day and good-bye to you, captain... if you really are captain binghamton. - oh, yes. mchale, tell them i'm captain binghamton. - who? who? captain binghamton, sir? - shove off. - no, no, no, wait. please, sir. wait! please! you promised to take mchale! you've got to take him! i'll throw in 6 cartons of american cigarettes! i'll throw in waterproof wristwatches, chocolate bars!

- carpenter, save me! - hey, hey. who's carpenter? - i'm carpenter! i'm coming, sir. i'll get you out, sir. commander, give me a hand. - oh, sure. - come on. help me. aah! [men laughing] - all right, boys, let's pull them out, whoever they are. llllllllllllllllllllllllo. i'm mister ed. a horse is a horse, of course, of course and no one can talk to a horse, of course that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous mister ed (ed humming) what is this? happy thanksgiving, wilbur.

but have you been in the addisons' garden again? not all of me, just my head. the spirit of thanksgiving is giving, not taking. so addison gave, and we took. i appreciate the thought, ed, but you've got to learn to understand the purpose of a fence. it's to divide one man's property from another. you shouldn't steal the addisons' gardenias. i'm sorry, wilbur. you are? i'm sorry my neck isn't longer, or you'd have had roses. get back into your stall. go on! ohhh! lucky you weren't caught, or the addisons would be stuffing a horse now - instead of a turkey. - wilbur! yes, dear? ahhh. good morning, mr. ed. honey, do you think a 15-pound turkey will be enough? well, that's enough for me, but what are you going to eat? oh, stop joking. i have to know. kay and roger are coming for thanksgiving dinner. now, what kind of dressing would you like? i've got an idea.

cooking that dinner. this year, it's going to be different. ooh, you're going to cook. nah, let's live this thanksgiving. roger and i will take you and kay out for dinner. oh, thank you, darling! that's wonderful! you know, i've got the most thoughtful husband in the world. yep, you picked the orchid in the garden of love. well, i'd better go tell kay our plans. hey, orchid boy! what's this jazz about eating out? well, you know how it is, ed. a man's gotta think of the little woman. - how about the little horse? - forget it, ed. thanksgiving is for people, not for horses.

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well, thanks, ed. you're, uh, you're being very considerate today, fella.

i don't want to eat alone on thanksgiving. i'll be crying in my hay. please be reasonable. oh, don't you love your horsey? yeah, and i love my wifey too. choose between us. okay, i choose carol. i'll put it another way. please don't put me on the spot. (ed crying) look, ed, when you cry, you make me feel like crying, too. i have no daddy. i want to eat with you, wilbur. (laugher) oh, you win, as usual. oh, bless you, bless you! yeah, now i've gotta see if i can talk carol out of eating out or into eating in. uh, wilbur, be crafty. women are very foxy. just leave it to me, ed. when i get finished with carol, she'll be glad to eat at home. valencia's on sunset boulevard!

and the service is excellent! four waiters to every table. and they need them. it takes four men to carry in that check. wilbur, do me a favor. you pick out the place. me? oh, what do i know about restaurants? that talk about taking me out to dinner was fun. let's play it again next year. honey, the best is none too good for my little wife. valencia's it is! wonderful. who cares what it costs? i care how much it costs. but, doll, i've already told carol we're going to valencia's with them. what possible excuse could i give for backing out? i just don't like to be gouged. i go to one of those fancy restaurants, i have to tip the parking lot attendant. i have to tip the hat check girl. i have to tip the maitre d'. and before you know it, there goes 50 cents down the drain. i tip generously-- not frequently, but generously. sweetheart, we have just got to go out this year.

and i've never complained once. thanksgiving is a time for family togetherness, and it should be spent at home in the tradition of the holiday. kay, my mind is made up. now, if the posts want to go, let them. (doorbell) i'll get it, sugar daddy. hi, kay. wilbur made a reservation for 7:00 at valencia's. is that okay with you two? well, i, i'm afraid you'll have to forget about us, carol. my lumbago is acting up again. oh, i'm sorry. we were looking forward to taking you and kay out to dinner. oh? roger, it's only a short drive. are you sure you couldn't make it? well, we, we, we would like to be with you kids. well, all right. and if the pain gets too bad, i can always grit my teeth. around a turkey leg. congratulations, sweetheart. what for?

(dialing phone) hello, operator? would you please test this line? yeah, the number is poplar 9-1769. thank you very much. (phone ringing) hello? oh, hi, harry. hi. what? no, no, harry, kid. i'm, uh, i'm afraid we can't. that's very kind of you to invite us, but we're, uh, we're having dinner out with the addisons this year. yes, well, you enjoy your home-cooked dinner, harry, boy. yeah, love to helen. no, i'm afraid that's definite, kid. carol and i, we're eating out. good-bye, harry. oh, why, when did you come down? honey, why didn't you tell me you wanted to have dinner at home?

no, we are eating at valencia's. i love their k-rations-- uh, turkey. i'm calling the butcher right now and order a turkey, and i don't want to hear another word. (doorbell) i'll get it. you go ahead. here's your turkey, mr. post. turkey? what turkey? oh, you phoned and ordered a turkey an hour ago. (wilbur stuttering) turkey? what turkey? and two quarts of cranberry sauce and five bunches of carrots. cranberries and five bunches of, of carrots? mr. post, don't you want this turkey? well, as long as you're here. never mind. this is one turkey that will not be left at the post. take it back, henry. (door closing) heh-heh, that's very good, left at the post. quick as a flash, too. i tell you. you really had me fooled with that phone call. now, look, carol, i don't want any arguments.

(ed barking like a dog) now cut that out. if there's anything i can't stand, it's a wise guy horse. me, too. i'm glad i'm a cocker spaniel. (barking) why did you order that turkey without my permission? i would have had it all set with carol, if you hadn't phoned the butcher. ah, me and my big mouth. i'm afraid your big mouth will be eating by itself. but, wilbur, you're my family, and we ought to be together on my holiday. your holiday? sure! if it wasn't for a horse, there wouldn't be any thanksgiving. what are you talking about? what did a horse have to do with thanksgiving?

the one they're afraid to tell? no, i'll wait until the movie comes out. well, it all started in 1620. that was a bad year, wilbur, a terrible year for the pilgrims. the crops were poor. the winter was cold. the indians were hostile. the only friend the pilgrims had was one brave early american horse. things finally got so bad, the governor called an emergency town council. (murmuring) i'm starving! where's our food? - you promised us-- - (murmuring) silence. silence, my friends. silence. we're starving. where is our food? silence, my brethren. shut thy big yaps. i'm only your governor, not a magician. i can't make corn grow where it refuses to grow. no one can make corn grow on this barren land. husband, the indians are making the corn grow.

hold thy tongue, wife. and if thou canst not hold it, step on it. watch, your excellency. your wife speaks the truth! the indians do grow corn on this very same land. we elected you, because you promised us bigger harvests than the other candidate. well, naturally. i had to win the election somehow. but i shall keep my promises, keep them all, all in due time. the time is due. putteth up or shuteth up. who, who saith that? who dareth to speaketh like thateth? calm down, dolleth. someone should go to the indians and bring back their kind of seed, - and then we shall have corn. - of course. an excellent idea, an excellent idea, citizen smythe. someone must brave the indian's arrow and save our little colony. uh, husband, why dost thou not volunteer? thou art the governor. (shouting)

when i regret buying two tickets on the mayflower. i'll get the seeds from the indians. they'd never hurt a horse. uh-oh! me thinketh i'll take a back road. oh! and so the gallant, handsome horse went off

nenext? the horse found the chief in war council. must do something about hostile pilgrim. very quiet in settlement. they're hungry. maybe plan attack on us for food. maybe bring war. - mm-hm. - yeah. no need for war. hear voice, but see no man. - must be spirit. - evil spirit? bingo! spirit bingo?

speak to us, o great spirit bingo! now hear-um this. there can be peace with the pilgrims. how? tell us how, great spirit. send a brave with seeds. teach them how to plant corn. spirit bingo now signing off. good idea, but dangerous mission. what, what brave can we spare? chicken heart! - chicken heart? - yes, princess?

why me, chief thundercloud? because you are brave. oh, no, me not brave. me chicken heart. my father yellow tail, my grandfather white feather, my great grandfather jelly spine. me come from long line of cowards. thundercloud has spoken. you have been chosen! well, let's not be hasty, chief. why not get all braves here and then choose, huh? uh, short straw go? flip-um card? low card? too much gab. get-um show on road! who speaks? great spirit bingo. me never hear of him. must be out of town spirit. pick some other brave. uh, that did it. me volunteer. ed: (narrating) and so the chicken indian, who by now i know you recognize,

(turkeys gobbling) oh. bears! must get back to village. don't be chicken, chicken heart. who speak? me, chicken. who you? where you? here, chick, chick, chick. here, chick! you talk, horse. go to head of teepee. how can horse talk? night school. night school? ask foolish question, get foolish answer. horse talk to all men? no, only to you. i, i like you, chicken heart. i like you, too, horse that talk like man. dear boy. why? why they choose me for this dangerous mission?

you will go down in history, and i'll get a little footnote myself. you come on mission with me? flap your wings, chicken, and hop on my back. from now on, we're a team. oh, thank you, horse. thank you. hold still, horse. (wilbur and ed grunting) all right, horse. you got your laugh, chickie. now, turn around and let's get going. all right, horse. meanwhile, back at the pilgrims' settlement. (murmuring) we should have done this long ago! (murmuring) how dare you putteth your governor in this position. methinks this is an excellent position. huh? what dost thou, woman? i have need for a few shillings. there's a sale on spinning wheels in town. (coins clinking) an indian! our scouts have captured an indian!

he was attacking our village on horseback. oh, paleface speak with twisted tongue. i bring a gift of friendship from my people, a bag of corn seed. beware the indian! he lies. release me, so i can deal with this heathen. release our governor. (murmuring) we must force this indian to reveal their secret for planting corn. that's why i've come here. there's only one way with indians-- torture! (shouting) otherwise, they do not talk. see, you just take a handful of seed. we'll put him in the stocks. (shouting) and you sprinkle them 6 inches apart. i say put him in the thumb screws. aye, that will loosen his tongue. (shouting) then you mulch carefully. just add a little water. not too much now. let us put him to the stretching rack. aye, that will break his defiant silence. (shouting) see, too much water, you'll drown the seeds.

well said, smythe. this is your last chance. do you understand? tell 'em how indian plant-um corn, or we plant-um indian. okay, you drive hard bargain. i knew i'd drag it out of him. (laughter) and so the team of brave horse and chicken indian made the harvest possible. (murmuring) please, silence. to peace and goodwill between our people. (shouting) peace and goodwill. (glass breaking) ah, just my luck. i picked the original indian nut. thanks to our indian friend, chicken liver, who has provided the answer to our problem, we are blessed with the bounties of nature. (cheering)

i hereby proclaim this a national holiday. - hear, hear. - hear, hear. what shall we call this holiday, husband? well, wife, today is a day for giving thanks. (murmuring) how about "you're welcome" day. (murmuring, laughter) no. how about "thanks day"? how about "giving day"? - (crowd shouting) - ehh. i have answer! "thanks day" very good. "giving day" very good. put them both together and call holiday appreciation day. (laughter) groundhog day? navy day? we just had halloween. how about thanksgiving day? (cheering)

whose idea was that? my horse. uh-oh. your horse? horse talk. he's a witch! a witch! (murmuring) happy thanksgiving, chicken heart. what to be happy about? well, at least we're spending the holiday together. (laughter) and so that's how a horse made thanksgiving possible. ed, you have told some tall tales, but this one beats them all. you don't believe it? not a word. (chuckling) but, ed, if it means so much to you,

thanks, wilbur! oh, just call me chicken.

kekey. kay: i wish i could learn. oh, i'm just terrible. - perfect. - like a turkey murder. excuse me. oh, thank you, eve. wilbur, i think catering the dinner was a wonderful compromise. well, the important thing is we're having a home-cooked dinner. what difference does it make whose home it was cooked in? - right. - right. the last home-cooked dinner i had was at my mother's the day before i got married. you married me for my beauty, doll, not my pot roast. well, let's not have any bickering, shall we? this is thanksgiving. i think we should be grateful for everything we have and the fact that we're together with our loved ones. ah, hear, hear. that's nice. - oh! - can i have some more peas? - i want everything. - seconds, kay? fill them up to there. later, please. - seconds, carol? - not right now, honey. fifths, rog? (laughter) you help yourself. oh, thanks, thanks. oh, boy.

be sure and save us some, that's all, rog. just save us a drumstick, dear. - excuse me. - don't worry, i will. oh, they're delicious. this is a wonderful turkey, carol. just wonderful. happy thanksgiving, family. llllllllllllllllo. i'm mister ed. a horse is a horse, of course, of course and no one can talk to a horse, of course that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous mister ed you know our wives are involved in this ridiculous community theatrical project? what about it? this year, it's going to be a variety show, and the husbands are going to be asked to perform.

then kay won't have any argument to use against me. i don't know, rog, i find it very hard to say no to carol. why? i say no to my wife all the time. all right. bring your wife over, and i'll say no to her. you're a real friend. i don't know whose. certainly not mine. oh relax, rog. i don't intend to be in that variety show any more than you do. you mean we're together in this? like two musketeers. all for one? and one for all. side by side? through thick and thin.