then kay won't have any argument to use against me. i don't know, rog, i find it very hard to say no to carol. why? i say no to my wife all the time. all right. bring your wife over, and i'll say no to her. you're a real friend. i don't know whose. certainly not mine. oh relax, rog. i don't intend to be in that variety show any more than you do. you mean we're together in this? like two musketeers. all for one? and one for all. side by side? through thick and thin.

you're late for work. you grab your 10-gallon jug of coffee, and back out of the garage. right into your wife's car. with your wife watching. she forgives you... eventually. your insurance company, not so much. they say you only have their basic policy. don't basic policies cover basic accidents? of course, they say... as long as you pay extra for it.

new car replacement comes standard. and for drivers with accident forgiveness, liberty mutual won't raise your rates due to your first accident. learn more by calling at liberty mutual, every policy is personal, with coverage and deductibles, customized just for you. which is why we don't offer any off-the-shelf policies. switch to liberty mutual and you could save up to $509. call liberty mutual for a free quote today at see car insurance in a whole new light. liberty mutual insurance. no, kay, i haven't asked wilbur to perform on the show. he'd only turn me down. i'm going to use the same system i used to get him to propose to me. hmm? well, i kept avoiding the subject of marriage and he had to marry me to find out what was on my mind. meanwhile, you work on addison. wilbur: oh, carol? oh! oh, myrtle, that's a wonderful idea. just the kind of act our show needs.

will just love your husband's bird calls. bye. what are you doing, hon? just lining up some talent for our show. oh, well, have to scratch my name off. it's not on. i'm too loaded with work to be-- it's not on? let's see, jack langdon, tap dancing. look, i'd love to help out, honey, but-- paul and ruth henning, hand balancing act. --i've just got too much work to do. sure, wilbur, that's okay. i hope you're not sore at me for not volunteering, huh? of course not, wilbur, i know you can't do anything. well, i like that. i can do a lot of things if i had the time. well, i wouldn't want to embarrass you. george and gladys stamel, twin pianos. i'm a little worried about that. (playing bagpipes loudly) wilbur, will you please stop that racket! i can't concentrate. sorry, dear.

oh, honey, do you know freddy hutchins' number? his wife just told me that he developed the most wonderful magic act. he developed? that is my routine! i taught that fellow everything he knows. i mean, the changing color handkerchiefs, the disappearing birdcage, that's mine. the pulling the cigarettes out of the ear. look, if anybody does that act, that's gonna be me. all right, wilbur, i'll put you down for three minutes of magic. three-- look, i take bows for longer than three minutes. that act takes a half an hour. half an hour? all right, i'll do 45 minutes, but not a second more. i don't want to hog the-- who'd you pick to emcee? we haven't picked anyone yet. well, i'll take care of that, honey. you know, i'll fill a little bit between the acts while people are changing their costumes, you know. don't worry about a thing, sweetheart, i'll put on a really big show. really big. hmm-hmm! (laughing) no kidding?

emcee it? he's already planning the road tour. no, i didn't have to talk him into it. he was like putty. how are you making out with roger? still cement. i'll have to hang up now. here comes gravel gertie. hello, my dear. good morning, doll. comfy? cozy. doll? i will not appear in your show. you know, there's a lot of your mother in you. sweetie, you play a beautiful ukulele, couldn't you-- -no. -but, doll, all the other husbands are doing something. why won't you?

good. i'll go to bed early that night. besides, you're being a trifle inaccurate when you say "all the other husbands are performing." wilbur, for one, feels the same as i do. if wilbur would agree to perform, would you too? of course. well, then tune up your ukulele, daddy-o. you're in showbiz. that one. no, that one. i certainly appreciate your helping me rehearse this magic trick, ed. (ed laughs) what are you laughing at? well, for a guy who wasn't gonna be in that show, you're doing everything but print the tickets. you just forget about that. now, come on, let's try the trick again. i put the ball under the middle cup. roger: wilbur! in here, rog. hi, rog. i was just working on a little magic trick.

you see, you put the ball under the middle cup and you-- how's kay? that's nice, rog. two musketeers? one of them is named benedict arnold. i had no choice. carol started begging me, and then she began crying and-- because of you, i'm going to have to play the ukulele. good. we need a comedy spot. comedy? well, i've heard you play and it's strictly for laughs. (chuckling) isn't it? oh, rog, you don't have to perform. i'll get you out of it. i'll just do some more magic. as a magician, all you could make disappear is the audience. well, you don't have to get angry. i mean, you can still get out of it. just tell kay the truth. tell her you have no talent. after that snide remark, nothing could stop me from performing. and don't follow my act. there's nothing more pathetic

well, hey, you didn't learn that in college. no, i didn't. (both laughing) hey, they're pretty good. i better tell wilbur. lucky for him, he's got a sneaky horse. they're good. still nothing to worry about, right, ed? right! my magic act can top anything rog can come up with, right? right! so roger plays the ukulele a little bit and kay dances pretty well.

right! you're right. i can't top them with a few measly little magic tricks. i need something big, something really big that'll knock the audience right out of their seats. how about blowing up the joint? give me time to think, will ya? ed: look at him, walking around like a chicken with its head cut off. head cut off. , that is a great idea! what did i say? what did i say? one of the greatest stage effects in magic is the guillotine trick. what's that? well, the illusion is that you're cutting somebody's head off. i'll use my wife. spoken like a true husband. i hate to top roger, but he started this, so i am going all out. with that guillotine trick? that's right, ed. it's on to the bastille! pride goeth before a fall.

you see how simple that is, dear? now it's your turn. no, your turn. come on, honey, it won't hurt you. didn't help the cabbage. i already explained that, dear. you see, when you put your head in, i just release these two levers like that, see? i turn the blade around. then when i shove the blade down, watch. it doesn't go all the way through. that's just a dummy. huh? -understand? -yes. -(chuckling) yeah. -now you put your head in. -no! -carol. look, i'll show you there's nothing to worry about. look, try it on me. here we are! now just release the blade. lock it up first. come on. oh, i don't like this. come on. release the blade. i can't! carol, i've seen this done a hundred times at our magic club. will you just release the blade? come on.

wilbur? wilbur? wilbur! ha ha ha! see, i had you fooled. isn't this a great illusion? oh, it makes me too nervous! i can't stand it! oh! look, carol, there is nothing to-- carol, carol, wait. wait for me, honey, this is stuck. carol!

ed? ed: (chuckling) hi. hi. (ed laughs) where did you get the crazy necktie? forget about that, ed. ed-- (ed laughs) --i want you to help me. see, what happened is i was showing this off and it got stuck. would you just give this a whack?

watch the ear, will you? now the other side. all right. okay? ah, that got it! what happened, houdini? i thought carol's head was gonna be in the chopper. well, she chickened out. on the way over here, i got a better idea. a real showstopper. what's that? well, instead of a person, i'm putting a horse's head through here. i'll tell him when he comes in. ed, there's nothing to be afraid of. but when the audience sees a horse in a guillotine, they'll flip. yeah, and so will my head. ed, ed, just a minute. do you want to see addison have a better act than me? suddenly, i'm on his side. ed, let me in. this is very-- don't shut the door. this is very important to me. now, it isn't often i ask a favor of you, ed. would you help me, please? well, okay, okay.

oh, thanks, ed. oh, you're more than a horse. you're a real human being. is that supposed to be a compliment? well, thanks a lot, fella. i'm gonna tell carol all about our showstopper. thanks, ed. showstopper is right. i'm putting a stop to this show right now. operator. hello, honey. would you get me the police department? cruelty to animals division.

yeah, this must be it. okay, axel, well, i'll bring it over to your shop this afternoon. bye. well, ed, the carpenter is gonna make that hole bigger so you can get your head through. thank you. i was afraid we'd have to shrink it. you are amusing, ed. well, i'll just oil these catches so they don't stick again. are you mr. post? well, yes, officer, what can i do for you? we got a complaint about your mistreating a horse. what? something about your chopping his head off. well, now who would accuse me-- oh, well, that's just some crank phoning up, you know? you see, i'm an amateur magician and i'm putting on an act for the community theater project. oh, no kidding? my wife and i are gonna see that show. have you bought your tickets yet? -no. -well, don't do it. i'll give you a couple of passes. oh. here we are.

don't mention it. it's a pleasure to be giving a ticket to a cop for a change. (laughing) say, how does this thing work? oh, you want to know how this works, huh? yeah. well, just take your hat off. put your head through here, and i'll show you. i won't hurt you. okay. right through. there. comfortable? - like this? - that's it. just settle right in. don't be alarmed. we'll just lock you in there. there we are. put this down here just in case something happens. (both laughing) are you ready? let her go. hold tight. (both laughing) quite a trick, huh? terrific. say, this can't hurt your horse. if you want to use him in your act, you go right ahead. hey, come back here. ed, come back, ed, ed, come back here!

what is that, charlie? never mind. this thing got stuck. get the emergency axe. well, you sure fixed me. addison's got a great act and i can't top him. i'm sorry, wilbur. i was so afraid of losing my head that i lost my head. am i still your horsey? yes, you're still my horsey. ed, what am i gonna do? i haven't got an act. well, you're great at making a handkerchief disappear. it'll take something bigger than that to top addison. besides, everybody's seen a handkerchief disappear. they haven't seen a horse disappear. well, you're about to see one now. come back here, ed. ed, no, come, ed, come back here!

(audience applauding) thank you, kay and roger addison, for your little number. and now, ladies and gentlemen, for the highlight of the evening. for the first time on any stage, i should like to present a startling illusion-- the disappearing horse, so called because i make a horse disappear. (laughing) that was just a little joke to get things rolling. assistant, my cape, please. (audience applauding)

now, ladies and gentlemen, for the greatest illusion of all times, the disappearing horse. you will notice this solid oak box. it has four solid sides. absolutely no means-- -(audience laughing) -absolutely no means of escape except for these two front doors which are in full view all the time. now, assistant, my horse, please. yes, wilbur, master. (wolf-whistling)

thank you. (laughing) i place the horse inside the box. come, horse, inside the box. now we close the doors. stay in there now, horse. there we are. no, stay in there, please. i will now cause the horse to vanish. music, please. (triumphant music playing) horse, vanish! (audience laughing) there is nothing to be afraid of.

a little gag. are you ready? (ed coughing) what happened? you were supposed to push that partition switch and go out the back way? how can i see with all that smoke in my eyes? don't fail me this time. so much for levity. now, ladies and gentlemen, if you will keep your eyes focused on the door. music, maestro. (triumphant music playing) horse, vanish! ed, what are you doing to me? what if i disappear forever? i'll never see you again. disappear this time, or i'm gonna trade you in for a cocker spaniel.

and waiting and waiting. once again, maestro. (triumphant music playing) horse, i command you to disappear! ladies and gentlemen, this horse had better disappear by the time i count to 3, or i will demonstrate my latest illusion-- sawing a horse in half. now, ladies and gentlemen,

listen to this, ed. (clearing throat) community theater project smash success.

using a horse. a horse? why didn't they mention my name? don't be so sensitive. what they should have said was "featuring mister ed and a man." the important thing, ed, was the show was a success. wilbur, i must admit you were the hit of the evening. well, i wouldn't say that, rog. neither would i. i thought you were pretty bad. [ giggling ] ...with elinor donahue, billy gray, and lauren chapin... mother, junior members of the anderson household...

the most important football game of the year takes place tomorrow afternoon. this year, your mother has declined to go. therefore, i am in a position to invite one of you to be my guest and companion at tomorrow's game. oh, how completely divine! what a bomb! kathy, aren't you excited? sure. what time do we go? you may not be the lucky one, kathy. what are we gonna do, draw straws? oh, how perfectly infantile. now, now, now. we're gonna have a legitimate contest. i want each one of you to tell me in 25 words or less why you should be the one to go to the game. your mother will be the sole judge, and her decision will be final. all right. we'll start with, um... the youngest, miss kathleen anderson. i think i should go to the football game because i'm the youngest.