the most important football game of the year takes place tomorrow afternoon. this year, your mother has declined to go. therefore, i am in a position to invite one of you to be my guest and companion at tomorrow's game. oh, how completely divine! what a bomb! kathy, aren't you excited? sure. what time do we go? you may not be the lucky one, kathy. what are we gonna do, draw straws? oh, how perfectly infantile. now, now, now. we're gonna have a legitimate contest. i want each one of you to tell me in 25 words or less why you should be the one to go to the game. your mother will be the sole judge, and her decision will be final. all right. we'll start with, um... the youngest, miss kathleen anderson. i think i should go to the football game because i'm the youngest.

and i'm not spoiled, but i will be if i don't get to go. mommy, do i get to go? ah, ah. don't try to influence the judge. i don't know, dear. but if you don't, we'll have fun right here. all right, bud, you're next. i think i should get to go to the football game because, someday, i intend to play football. and if i don't get to see a big game, how am i gonna learn? that's a pretty logical reason, i think. ah, ah. don't try to influence the judge. betty? i think i should go to the game because... i adore football. i adore the wholesome sportsmanship of the game. and i adore the handsome, distinguished man who will act as my escort -- my father. hmm. that's pretty good, margaret. she used 26 words! cut out "handsome." don't you dare! cut out the word "and." mother, do i get to go?

sorry, judge. children -- and their father -- i hereby decide in favor of... betty. oh, father! oh, mother. oh, goobers. now, now. let's not be bitter. now, the real reason i chose betty is that she's been such a help to me this last week. she's cleaned out the closets, done the mending, polished the silver. oh, thank you, mother. oh, this is excruciatingly wonderful! gee whiz. she gets to go to everything! gee whiz. i don't get to go anywhere. "gee whiz." yes, you do. besides, you can listen to it on the radio.

sorry, old man. i'm leaving the office in 10 minutes. i'm taking my daughter to the big game. [ chuckles ] not a chance. business can wait until monday. unh-unh. i wouldn't miss this game for anything in the world. no. i'll talk to you on monday. yeah. goodbye. [ humming ] jim, am i glad i found you in. bob harris! i didn't know you were back in town! i just got in this morning for the big game. are you going, too? great. yeah. "great." before i left, i gave my fool girl specific instructions to get me two tickets.

two long weeks with nothing to do, and she forgot. gee, bob, that's too bad. "too bad"? why, it's criminal! i've turned this town upside down. i can't get one ticket! do you know what that means? i'm going to miss the game for the first time in 17 years. well, bob, i wish i could help you, but -- that's why i'm here, jim. you've never missed a game, either. you know what it means. there must be somebody you know who has an extra ticket. oh, i wish i'd known about this yesterday, bob. i had an extra ticket, but i promised to take betty. betty? d-does she have to go? what does football mean to betty? well, now, wait a minute. she's young. they'll be other football games for her. as for me, why, who knows? i might go... like that -- tomorrow. well, look, bob. this is a big thing for my daughter. it isn't just a game. it's me -- the thrill of me escorting her. i've never known you to be a fool, jim. huh?

i don't speculate in football tickets. how about endowment policies... $20,000 endowment policies? what about it? you've been trying to sell me a policy for a long time now. i kept, uh, putting it off. well, i -- i might be interested in buying one... now. the endowment policy, of course, would -- would be only a start. it could mean, uh, group insurance for my entire plant. we could talk it over between halves? meet me at the west entrance of the stadium

betty? betty: i'm all ready, father! mother, we're going! margaret: have a good time! here we go! uh, no, betty. wait. what is it, father? well, i, uh, want to talk to you for a minute. is anything wrong? well, no. no, there's nothing wrong. i-i just was doing a little thinking this morning. and, well, after all, you are a young girl, and you'd much rather be with young people. and, well... [chuckles] i'm old enough to be your father. father, i've hurt you, haven't i? huh? well, i must have hurt you at some time or another, and i wouldn't hurt you for anybody or anything. oh. well, look, betty. bob harris came in my office this mor-- you're the best father anybody ever had. thank you, betty, but -- i'd rather go to the game with you than anybody else in the whole world. you would? oh, yes, father.

i-i want to talk to you for a minute. um... honey, you -- you know that i love you, don't you? well, of course. and i, uh -- i've always tried to please you, haven't i? oh, you're cute. betty, you're a big girl now. and one of these days in the not-too-distant future, you'll be married and have a family of your own. oh, father, are we gonna have another talk on biology? betty... you know that i'm in the insurance business. you know that there isn't anything in the world i wouldn't do for my family. i don't have to tell you how competitive my business is. excuse me, father. what time is it? a little after 12:30. now, in my -- don't you think we should get going? betty... [ sighs ] betty, i'm going to the game with bob harris. but -- but y-you and mother said i could --

i have to take bob harris. but you said i could go with you! i was counting on it! honey, you're just making it more difficult. margaret: jim! father doesn't want to take me to the game! that's not true at all, betty! i promised to take bob harris! i have a chance to sell him an endowment policy. you know those things don't grow on trees. he doesn't want to take me to the game! i give up. now, jim, you realize, of course, that you can't do this to betty. well, nobody thinks about me around here! you must never break a promise to a child, daddy. you, too, kathy? i saw the same situation in a movie, dad. yeah? how did it turn out? they shot the guy for being a welcher. too bad we don't have any revolvers around the house. i can see the whole family taking potshots at me. i have a water pistol, daddy. thank you, annie oakley. margaret: jim... you made a promise. you've got to keep it. i also made a promise to bob harris. well, then you've got to keep that one, too. oh, margaret, stop talking in circles. i only have two tickets, so how can bob harris go and betty go if...

that's exactly what i mean. then i can't go? well, you can listen to it on the radio with bud and kathy. "the radio." you can't get any hot dogs. how can i sell bob harris a policy? you'll find a way, dear. now, where were you supposed to meet mr. harris? the west gate, at 1:15. betty, you don't mind going with mr. harris, do you? oh, no, mother! of course not! he's so distinguished-looking! frivolous sal. jim, give betty the tickets. margaret, you need a new dress. you said so last week. i'll buy it for you. and -- and i'll get a new dress for betty, too, and a new dress for kathy and a new dress for bud. what?! i-i mean, a pair of slacks, i'll get you those slipcovers you've wanted for so long. jim, where are the tickets? on the 50-yard line! i mean, uh... upstairs, in the pocket of my blue shirt. oh, father. not t-the blue shirt?

of the shirt that's hanging... what's the matter? oh, jim!

nope. didn't come in yet. but he picked up the bundle three hours ago. he's a new man. don't know the route good. why do you put on a new man at a time like this? because the regular driver took off to go to the football game. what time is it? 12:45. no, it isn't. it's 12:50. so why did you ask me? i'm nervous. what time is it now? your time or my time?

oh, bob harris will never forgive me. the game's probably started by now! route 27's unloaded. this is mr. anderson. he wants to look at his laundry. thank goodness! which one is mine? well, start looking. your name's on it. well, aren't you gonna help me? sure. of all the stupid, idiotic, asinine... who? oh, not you. you'd think there'd be some kind of alphabetical order to this. oh, here it is. such callousness, to leave a bag open this way. [ sighs ] i thought the shirt was gone. they're gone! somebody took them! took what?

the laundry bag was open! well, don't look at me! i'm not accusing anyone. i don't need your football tickets! how did you know they were football tickets? because the opera season ain't open, the baseball season's too far off, and today happens to be the day of the big game! now, do you want to make something out of it? no. no. well, maybe we can do business. i got a couple of ducats i don't think i'm gonna use. oh, you don't? i'll give them to you for a price. you will? good seats -- on the 50-yard line. "the 50-yard line." 20 bucks. $20 apiece?! no, for the pa-- hey, what do you think i am, a crook? okay. you're a good guy to do business with. yeah. hey! help me put the bags back. i'm in a hurry! so am i! i didn't eat yet!

[ jim grunts ] $20 -- the unmitigated nerve of the guy. margaret: is that you, dear? yes, it's me. where's betty? the silliest thing just happened. a few minutes ago -- well, jim! as long as you live, you're never to give another piece of laundry to that gang of crooks! what happened? they sold me my own tickets, that's what they did! but, dear, that's impossible. oh, it is, is it? what does this look like? the driver sold them back to me for $20. then you -- you lost your temper and got into a fight. no. i got hit in the eye with a laundry bag. margaret, i want you to write them a letter. now, jim, you're just working yourself up for nothing. it isn't for nothing. it's for a principle. men have died for a principle. well, you'd better start dying. we found the tickets on the dresser. oh, you did? i suppose you're gonna take the word... the dresser?

right where you'd left them. and she's on the way to the game right now. i left them on the dresser? and you'd better apologize to that driver for even thinking that he took your tickets. oh, i will. i will. i'll tell him how sorry i am i got my eye in the way of his laundry bag. jim, i've never seen you with a shiner. you look so rugged. thank you, dear. i'll wear one more often. i'll probably get there by the end of the first quarter. see you later. now, wait a minute. you bought two tickets. what are you gonna do with the extra one? bud: hold everything! don't anybody make a move! what about that extra ticket, dad? wow, what a beautiful mouse! all right, margaret. i don't expect any sympathy from my son. what about that extra ticket, daddy? what are you doing over there? i fell asleep, but i woke up in time to hear about the laundry bag. kathy, you should never eavesdrop. i know it, but it was fun. now do we have another contest to see who goes? oh, no. we're not gonna go through that again. this time, you have to make your own decision. which one will it be?

take kathy. good. no. take bud. all right. let's go, bud. kathy should go. she's the youngest. no, bud should go, because he's a boy. keep out of this, squirt! i know you want to go! i do not! you do, too! time! do you mind if i go? i know a way we could all go. this year or next? she's just a crazy, mixed-up kid. bill lawrence has a student ticket, and he can't go. i was just talking to mrs. lawrence on the phone, and bill is sick in bed. well, what are we waiting for? let's go! what a break! you can always depend on me. bud, ride kathy over to the stadium on your bicycle. i'll drive over to the lawrences and pick up the ticket. will you call bill and tell him i'm dropping by? it would be better if bud picked up the ticket. oh, no! i'm in charge of this operation. well, all right. i suppose father knows best. [ knock on door ] bill: who is it? hi, bill. it's me -- jim anderson. oh. hi, mr. anderson. come on in. i thought maybe it was my kid sister.

i can't get this darned radio working. uh, how do you feel? horrible. well, that flu really gets you down. are you kidding? uh, aren't you a little old for the measles? you're never too old for anything. my buddy has the colic. [ chuckles nervously ] yeah, i-i guess you're right. did mrs. anderson call you about that ticket? oh, yeah. i-it's in my blue suit, in the closet. okay. [ static on radio ] man on radio: he fakes to his left half, flips the ball to the right... are you sure it's in the blue suit?! uh, try the brown one. the 15! the 20! the 25! the 30! the 35! the 40! the 45! the 50! the 45! the 40! the 35... go! go! go! the 20! the 15! but there's a handkerchief on the play. [ groans ] it wasn't in the brown suit.

when i went to college, all i had was a sweater and a pair of knickers. the ball is centered to the tailback, grugaggula. grugaggula moves towards the middle of the line, hands off to the quarterback, bob senokourous he laterals to the fullback smith. he's in the clear! the 15! the 20! the 25! the 30! the 35... go, go, go, boy! don't stop! keep going! that's it! that's it! that's it! he's going all the way! yeah! [ laughter ] what a play! he's over for a touchdown! listen to that crowd! but there's a handkerchief on the play. it isn't in the gray suit. try the red suit. [ sighs ] you've got a red suit? i'm a freshman. they make me wear it. on christmas? every monday. i'll try the red suit. [ gunshot ]

go! go! go! it's the end of the first quarter. [ sighs ] the red suit has no pockets. oh. that's right. i forgot. how can anybody forget a red suit without pockets? it's not easy. bill, think. what did you do with that ticket? i can't understand it. i know i put the ticket in one of my suits. bill, you can't do this to me. i've never missed one of these games. it's my school, and, more than that, i have a very important appointment between halves. think! think! did you ever see such a stupid radio?! bill! huh? the ticket! oh. uh, wait a minute. mrs. lawrence: yes, bill? hello, mother. do you know what i did with my football ticket? you left it in your blue shirt. everybody leaves football tickets in blue shirts. do you have it, mother? no. i sent it to the laundry. oh, no!

oh, no! thank you, mother. goodbye. goodbye. don't forget your medicine. i'm awfully sorry, mr. anderson, but you stick around. i'll have the radio fixed in no time. thanks, bill. i, uh, have several radios at home. [ knife rubs register ] yes, mother? if mr. anderson wants to go to the game, tom heckendorn isn't using his student ticket. yeah. i forgot about him. ed heckendorn's son! he lives just down the block! thanks, bill, for all your trouble. thanks, mrs. lawrence! i'll stop by there! so long, bill. oh, mr. anderson? yes, mrs. lawrence?! don't get too close to tom heckendorn. he's got the mumps. [ chuckling ] well, here you are, bud. thanks. my, aren't they good?

no, thank you. i already had two. when does the second half start? in about five minutes. boy, what a game. are you enjoying it, kathy? oh, yes. i could see it over again. i'm beginning to worry about father. oh, there's nothing to worry about. i'm just sorry he missed the first half. he was so anxious to see the game. mr. harris? yes, kathy? what's an endowment policy? oh, well, it's nothing to interest a little girl on a beautiful day like this, especially at a football game. gosh, you don't suppose anything's happened, do you? why, of course not. he's probably in the locker room, talking to the coach. [ indistinct chanting ] [ cheers and applause ] freshy! i thought i told you i wanted it loud and clear! what's the matter?! can't you yell?!

yeah. it was a great game... i think. i was sitting in the cheering section. am i stiff. well, thanks for calling. i'll see you monday. okay. goodbye. hello, kitten. [ chuckles ] come to feed the invalid, huh? yeah. do you have the measles? no, of course not. the mumps? no, i had all those things when i was a kid. then what do you have now? nothing -- i gave one little sneeze, and your mother insisted i go to bed. sounds awful familiar. [ chuckles ]

well, kathy, did you have fun at the game? yes. and i enjoyed mr. harris. i made him tell me all about endowment polices. mr. harris? oh, kathy, why did you have to bother him? if you wanted to know, why didn't you ask me? i know more about them than he does. so do i, so i sold him a policy. he said he would give you a check on monday. -- captions by vitac -- [ giggling ] ...with elinor donahue, billy gray, and lauren chapin... don't come down the stairs like that, bud.

hello? oh, hi, joe. no matter what it is you want, i can't do it. sounds great, but i can't go. wait. i'll ask my dad, but it's no use. how do you know it's no use? you shouldn't make up your mind in advance. you make me sound like your jailer instead of your father. can i go with the fellas on our motor scooters to the stone quarry? no. i knew i couldn't. but, bud, the reason -- so long. bud, will you please let me explain? it's right on the main highway, and there's a lot of fast, dangerous traffic out there. and you boys are much too young to -- why can't i live my own life? i'm a human being, you know. what do you suppose has gotten into that boy? he seems to resent everything we say to him. oh, it's nothing really. just the normal signs of growing up, the young male animal asserting himself. well, i hope that's all it is. yesterday, he even talked about moving away. he wouldn't do that, would he?

you couldn't drive him out of here with a rawhide whip, at least not as long as we've got food around. so long. so long, betty. bye, freddy. [ mockingly ] bye, freddy. so long, kiddo. so long. bye. bud anderson! i couldn't help it. well, i -- i guess i better be going. bye. bud anderson, don't you ever do a thing like that again! don't, don't, don't. is that the only word anybody knows around here? and don't do that. you'll break a window.

hmm. actually, i can't understand it. but i love to read things i can't understand 'cause then i feel as though i'm getting somewhere. betty? oh, thanks. freddy says the main idea is that you release your subconscious...or something. understand? perfectly. you can think your way to anything -- anything you want. and how do you do that? well, you simply mesh your subconscious mind with your conscious mind. i must do that sometime. freddy says it'll change my whole life, so i'm gonna take it up. take what up? oh, you wouldn't understand. wait till you grow up. eek! what hit you? oh, for pete's sake. have you been in that paint? for heaven's sake, bud, go take those clothes off, and i'll soak them in turpentine or something. [ sighs ] you know, i should read this right now 'cause freddy might come over later to discuss it, but i ought to spend the time fixing my hair. i don't know what to do. well, can't you mesh your subconscious and think a few curls into it?

bud, change your clothes and wash your hands before you eat. okay, okay. dad, about that trip to the stone quarry, i'd be real careful. but, bud, those cars travel awful fast and it just wouldn't be safe for you kids. if anything should happen to you, i'd -- kathy: daddy! daddy, can i sell some taffy? it's for our club, the little squaws. well, if the little squaws need it, sure. oh, boy! i have to sell 30 boxes. how come she gets to do everything she wants to do, and i don't get to do anything? now, that's not true. don't you understand? i just don't want you risking your life. oh, a lot anybody cares about my life. now, wait, bud. would you like to buy some taffy? no. gee, what's the matter with him? oh, it's nothing, kitten. it may be nothing, but i wish we knew what to do about it. i feel as though i just don't know how to handle him anymore. oh, he'll get over it if we just don't make an issue of it. things are crowding him a little now,

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hey, bud! oh, hi, bud. hi, claude. want to look through my telescope? no. i traded old whitey out of it. gave him an old banjo.

boy, this is powerful. i can see a man's foot, and you'd swear it was right here in your own yard. just think what it'll do when it gets a lens in it. want to try it? no. what's the matter? you sick? no, i'm okay. i'm just sick of this jailhouse. your folks clamping down on you? they won't let me do a thing. now, that ain't no way to live, boy. they treat me like i was a little kid. what do you suppose gets into parents? they got the same advantages we got. look how they turn out. you think they'd have learned more considering how old they are. aw, they don't know how to handle kids. takes the ymca for that. the "y" has got a ping-pong table, punching bag, trapeze.

but my old man took it right down. someday, i'm gonna move away from here. why don't you do it now? now? you ain't getting any younger, boy. but where would i go? there's a real keen room up over engel's feed store. yeah? only five bucks a month. all you got to do is sweep the store out every morning. gee, i wonder if i should. you ain't getting any younger, boy. i wonder. just think how sorry they'll be for treating you so mean. when you come back for a visit, boy, watch them knock themselves out trying to be nice to you. they'll treat you like a king -- a real, genuine, royal king. oh, oh, why did we ever let him go away? i realize now he was my favorite child. we were blind fools -- blind, blind fools!

i doubt it. we're getting just what we deserve. oh, i wonder how he is. oh, he'll get along with all of his talent and personality and ability. but can we get along without him? i know i can't. i'll perish. [ doorbell rings ] jim, could that -- could that be? bud. my, this little tot is getting bigger, and this one will be grown before you know it. thank you. you may get up now. are you -- are you going to stay? i don't think so. i have a lovely room at the feed store -- 40-inch television set, refrigerator full of banana splits, trapeze, punching bag -- but, son, haven't you noticed

but look in the dining room. bud, this is your place. oh, i better wash first. oh, that's ridiculous. sit down. wait a minute, bud. wait a minute. wait a minute, bud. wait a minute, bud. wait a minute. what's the matter with you? let go. i haven't even tasted it yet. tasted what? oh. you sure have been acting funny. sure you ain't sick? no, i'm okay. i never felt better.

you sure a fella could get it? sure. i was just down there this morning talking to old man engel. want to look through my telescope now? i don't need it. i can see everything real clear now. everything. i thought i told you to change your clothes and to wash those hands. wash. why, that's ridiculous. bud, i don't like to hear you talk that way. well, maybe you won't have to listen to me much longer. i just might get a room. get a room? sure, over engel's feed store. oh, what are you talking about? just that. i can get this room for $5, and all i have to do is sweep out the feed store every morning. probably get your meals there, too. sounds like a pretty good idea. why don't you do it? you mean you'd let me? sure. as you say, you're old enough to live your own life. jim.

you'll need a suitcase. i'll get that old brown one of mine for you. wait, dad. don't get a suitcase. oh, changed your mind, huh? no, it's not that. a suitcase would be too small. i'll need mom's big old trunk. i'd love to watch him try to pack that bicycle frame in the trunk. dear, why don't you go upstairs and talk to him? margaret, there's nothing to talk about right now. he just has to get this out of his own system his own way. well, if you're not gonna do anything about it, i am. no, wait. i'll go. it takes a man to handle a situation like this.

you, uh, sure you're taking enough stuff, bud? enough to get started on. yeah, you won't need towels. living alone, you won't have to wash so often. besides, there'll always be a lot of old feed sacks around the store. daddy, would you like to buy some real keen, delicious taffy? 20 cents a box. 20? i thought it was 50. i had to cut the price. i can't sell that old stuff. hey, where's bud going? i know this is going to come as a shock to you, and i want you to take it bravely, but bud is moving away. he's leaving us. can i have his room? well, is bud really leaving -- i mean, really? your father keeps insisting that he isn't, but i'm not so sure he's handling it right. oh, it's not that i don't think that your father has wonderful ideas. it's just that... well, they don't work.

i could just hear my friends say, "where's your brother?" and i say, "oh, he's living in a feed store." well, if i'd had my way -- well? well what? did you talk him out of it? i didn't try. but, jim -- oh, honey, stop worrying. he isn't gonna leave. he just wants us to plead with him to stay. well, let's do it. no, no, no, no. that'll just prolong it. if we stop him now, he'll feel all the more frustrated. he's got to feel that this is his own decision. say, i bet freddy could tell us how to handle this. freddy? certainly. you should hear his conversation. it's horribly deep. well, i don't doubt that, but i don't need a genius to tell me. the only way to handle bud is to ignore the whole thing. now, remember, when he comes down to leave, sit down. act as though it's nothing out of the ordinary. well, what if he does leave? honey, believe me. he'll never leave this house. [ doorbell rings ] oh, i'll bet that's freddy!

hi. hi. hello. that freddy's conversation certainly is deep. freddy, i'd like you to meet my mother and father. oh, glad to know you. freddy, could you help us with a problem? well, sure. well, if you had a little brother and he was gonna leave home, how would you handle it? well, you take and mesh the subconscious with the conscious and then you -- never mind. dad? yes, son. you all packed? well, the trunk's all packed, but it's so heavy i can't get it out of the bedroom. oh, i see. well, don't worry about it. why don't you go on ahead, and i'll have it sent down to you? well, if it wouldn't be too much bother. oh, no, no, no.

i hope we'll see you once in a while -- christmas, fourth of july. but we don't want to clutter up your life. we know you'll be busy sweeping and all. yeah. guess i'll take off now. so long. well... i guess i've got everything. ta-ta. bud, wait! well, okay, but hurry up. i'm going. what your mother wanted to say was goodbye.

son, um... are you sure you want to go through with this? i want to live my own life. well, that's fine. i just wanted to make sure. i'll tell you what. i'll drive you down there. i'd like to have a look at that room before you move in. i'm gonna take it. oh, i know, but, you know, let's have a look at it first. why don't you wait in the car while i change my clothes? okay. ain't what you would call fancy, but it's clean. and it's close to the streetcars and bernie's fish market. some folks don't care particular about fish. i don't eat it myself. now, down there is the tracks to the bto & m railroad, formerly called the btmq & d railroad. i like the old name better myself.

he put these papers under here. claims they keep out the cold. it's a matter of opinion. now -- now, this here is the kitchen, you might say. and it's best to unscrew the light bulb while you're using the hot plate. get too much juice coming through, and you blow a fuse. there's dishes and cans and, uh -- oh, uh, if this here gets leaking, i'll replace it. what about the water? oh, sure. got that. just down the fire escape, turn to the left. bathroom's in the rear of the store. sounds handy. it is. well, you look her over and just take your time. i got to get back downstairs. well, thank you, mr. engel. well, bud, what do you think? it's fine.

climbing that fire escape for your water will keep a guy in shape. that's a real advantage. meals are no problem. if you feel hungry, just open a can of soup and turn off the light and heat it up. eat it right out of the can -- no dishes to wash. nobody to tell you what to do or what not to do. by george, this is the life. yeah. i'll have your trunk sent down right away. that is... unless you'd like to wait a few months till school's over. no, sir. i'm staying. oh, fine. well...remember, if you're ever out our way, be sure to drop in and say hello. sure. so long. so long.

i was wondering how come a boy like him was renting a room. yeah. trouble is, i never thought he'd go this far. i was positive he'd never get 10 feet out of our front yard. well, you take boys. i wouldn't want to tell his mother this, but, frankly, i'm worried. he acts as though he doesn't want to come back. well, maybe he needs a reason. reason? well, isn't a good home reason enough and a family that loves him? i don't think you get my drift. you see, him and you have pushed this so far that neither one of you can back down. he wants to come back in the worst way, but his pride won't let him. well, what do we do, then? mr. anderson, would you take a suggest from an old man who never had any boys of his own? are you sure mr. engel knows what he's talking about? it made good sense to me. there. that'll fix it so it won't work. all right, betty. call him.

oh, no, kitten, we don't want to wreck it completely. aw, shucks. i thought we were gonna have some fun. mr. engel: bud, oh, bud! telephone! hello? this is betty. say, i hate to bother you, but my radio's gone on the blink again. no, i don't know what's the matter with it. daddy busted it. well, i hate to ask you to come out here and fix it, but, well, you seem to be the only one that understands it. do you think you might find time?

doing some pretty important junk, but maybe i can squeeze out some time. no, i can't make it right now. well, say, how about... five minutes from now? yeah, goodbye. okay, kathy, plug it in. [ radio plays music ] attaboy, bud. bud, that's wonderful. that was your whole trouble right there. the rectifier tube needed readjusted. gee, how do you know all that stuff? now can you fix this? my, gosh. what happened to it? a hammer hit it... accidentally. this is in pretty bad shape. i'll have to work on it out in the garage. as long as you're going out there, i wondered if you'd mind showing me

i can't make head nor tail of the thing. don't worry about it, dad. i'll take care of the lawn. gee, bud, i never realized how much we needed you. gosh, neither did i. i think i'll stick around. mom? yes, bud. i'm hungry. -- captions by vitac -- ww

oh! you are so lucky. i'd give my right arm to have a maid! well, it's nice, i--i guess. "nice"? are you kidding? it's luxury with a capital "l". does she wear a uniform? oh, yes. i'm green with envy! if i had a maid, i would give a party every night in the week. what sort of person is she? well, you'll see when she brings in the coffee. she's... well, mona, she can't be described. she-- - hazel: well, here we are! - shh! here she comes. i brought along a couple of cookies in case somebody happened to have a sweet tooth. oh, thank you, hazel. uh, mona, this is hazel burke. hazel, this is my friend mrs. williams. - how do you do? - how do you do? - love your hat. - oh, well, thank you.

i think you must be mistaken. no. 4.98 at quigley's basement, right? certainly not! well, i'm almost positive. i got mine-- this is not a 4.98 hat. oh. it looks just like-- hazel! uh, that's enough. uh, would you please go out and start dinner? oh, i already started it. but i didn't tell you what we're having. but don't you want me to plan the menus? i always did for missy. oh, well, of course. well, i'm very pleased to have met you, mrs. williams. thank you. mother, guess what? harold gave me a ride on his bicycle! well, good. susie, say hello to mrs. williams. hello, mrs. williams. hello, susie. you get prettier every time i see you. and mona, this is my nephew harold. harold, this is mrs. williams. how do you do, harold? it's nice to meet you. well, how do you do, mrs. williams? gee, you have a hat just like hazel's! it may look like it, harold, but it isn't.

i know, mona. do you kids want something? oh, do we have time to go play at gordy's house before dinner? i think so. run along. can we take a cookie? sure. help yourself. - susie: bye! - nice meeting you, mrs. williams! - bye, harold. - harold: bye! - isn't he a nice boy? - [door slams] mm. i paid $40 for this hat! oh, hazel's is undoubtedly an inexpensive copy. well, it's very irritating. i wasn't going to say anything, mona, but, uh... things like that happen when hazel's around. what do you mean? tell me all the dirt. oh, there's no dirt. hazel's a fine woman. it's just that-- well, it's-- it's not as wonderful having a maid as you might think. i'm... well, i'm overwhelmed by her. what does she do?

snoops? oh, no, she's not that kind of a person. she doesn't steal? no, of course not! well, then what? steve doesn't like her. oh, he thinks she's fine. why shouldn't he? why, hazel cooks like a french chef. but she's a terrible housekeeper. is that it? oh, that's a laugh. i challenge you to find one speck of dust in this whole house. [sighs] then what in the world are you talking about? what does she do? well, i just told you-- everything! if i don't find something to do around here pretty soon,

- rosie! oh, for pete's sake! - oh, hazel! boy, am i glad to see you! when did you get here? well, i got the afternoon off, so i drove over to see my sister. and since i was here, why, i just thought, "why don't i come over and see hazel and see if she can't go to the show with me tonight!" - can you? - well, i'd like to, but i'll have to ask. come on. sit down. how's everything in the old neighborhood? oh, hazel, things just aren't the same since you've been gone. we had a meeting of the sunshine girls the other day and only four of us showed up. so, we adjourned. oh, well, for pete's sake, why didn't you have a round of rummy? well, that's just it! nothing ever happens. how do you like working here? well, it ain't the same as working for missy and mr. b. i--i miss 'em terrible. i knew it! and they don't even write. oh, they do, too! i got a letter from 'em just yesterday from saudi arabia. no, that ain't it. you know, it's just that workin' for mr. b's brother has--has a few problems. kind of a slave driver, i'll bet. oh, rosie, you always think the worst.

of course, he's young and he needs a little trainin', but it's terrific. well, then, so what's your problem? well, to tell you the truth, it's his wife miss barbara. regular slave driver, huh? oh, no, just the opposite. she's the hardest-working person i ever saw in my life! i have to get up at the squeak of dawn to keep her from doing my job! tsk. if it was me, i'd let her do all she wants! yeah, i know you would. but i don't work that way. when they write to missy and mr. b, i don't want them to have one complaint. 'cause i'm the maid here, and i ought to do everything that there is to be done. well, i'd better get home and start fred's dinner. why don't you two drop over for some bridge tonight? fine. 8:00? that'll be fine. and we'll quit early. good. [door opens] - oh, hi, mona. - hi, steve. - hi, honey. mwah. - hello, darling. - how are ya, steve? - never better. oh, you have a hat just like hazel's. i have not! good grief. i just met the woman and she infuriates me!

mona's cost $40. oh, well, as i look more closely, i can see the difference. of course you can, you real estate salesman, you! fred and i are coming over to play bridge tonight and i am going to give everybody a good thrashing. my killer instinct has been aroused. i'll be looking forward to seeing you in action. - bye, barbara. - bye, mona. bye, mona! [sniffing] ah! something smells good. yes. hazel started dinner. you know, honey, since hazel's been here, every meal's an exciting experience. yes. boy, it's gonna be rough when we lose her. be terrible. we'll have to get along on my cooking. oh, honey. i--i didn't mean that. you're a great cook. uh, it's just that h-- hazel's better. i know. uh... [clears throat] mad? [chuckles] of course not.

[grunts] i'll just gather these things up and see if... for once i can give hazel a hand. okay, honey. [ ] - hazel, i-- - [rosie laughs] oh, i didn't know you had company. oh, this is rosie. [chuckles] a friend of mine from the old neighborhood. uh, rosie, this is miss baxter. how do you, rosie? well, how do you do, miss baxter? i'm happy to know you. well, um, i'll just be running along. i don't want to be in the way. oh, no! no, you two just sit there and talk. i'm sure you've got a lot of catching up to do. i'll just make the salad. oh, well--well, i--i already made it. hazel: there's nothing for you to do, miss baxter. why don't you just go in the living room and sit down and rest your hands and face. they're not tired, hazel. i'll tell you what! i'll, uh-- i'll clean a vegetable! i cleaned it. we're having asparagus. oh. well, all right. - oh, there is one thing. - yes, hazel?

with rosie right after dinner. oh, of course. because i thought maybe you'd like me to sit with the kids if you was going out. oh, no, the, uh, williams are coming over for some bridge tonight. [ ] she, uh, didn't need help? no. hmm. pretty soft, huh? oh, sure. "soft." boy, i'm starved tonight. would you like me to make you some-- some cheese and crackers? oh, would ya, honey? that'd be great. would i? oh, i'd jump at the chance! i fixed you a couple of hors d'oeuvres to hold you till dinner. oh! hey, how 'bout that, honey? - yeah, how 'bout that. - what are they? oh, they're cheese puffs. they're a specialty of mine. they won a prize at the county fair last year. - mmm. - of course. - oh, they're delicious! - [hazel chuckles] well, uh, live-- have another. uh-huh. mmm. thank you, hazel.

[chuckles] how 'bout you, miss baxter? no, thank you, hazel. oh, honey, try one. they're fabulous. fabulous. i don't care for one, steve. well, okay. i'll just leave 'em here on the coffee table. m-mr. b used to say, "i've had two and i still ain't flyin'." [chuckles] what a wonderful woman, huh? the children think so, too. so do the neighbors, the postmen, the delivery people, the gardener... well, everybody. um...what about you? oh, i like her. but...well... oh, nothing. hey. what's the matter, honey? isn't she, uh-- isn't she doing her work? oh, she does her work. oh, boy, does she do her work! well, is she, uh-- is she rude to you? oh, no! isn't she good with the kids? oh, you know she is!

well... well, hazel does the-- the cooking and the housekeeping and the laundry and the grocery shopping and the meal planning and, well, just about anything else you can think of. [sighs] few women would complain about a maid like that! well, i do. what's my role around here? you--your role? well, you're my wife! well, i don't feel like it anymore. i feel, well, unnecessary. why, i can't even do anything in my own kitchen anymore. i wanted to help with dinner-- now, wait a minute. did you, uh-- did you tell her you wanted to help? well, no, not exactly. i was too late. the salad had been made, the asparagus had been cleaned, and, well, she even talked me out of helping set the table. look, honey, hazel hasn't done anything wrong. now, it's up to you

now, look... i want, uh-- [clears throat] i want hollandaise sauce on my asparagus, see. and i want you to go into the kitchen and make it yourself. well, you're right. i'll just go in there and i'll show her who's boss. and if she objects, well, it's just too bad. yeah. i'm going in there and i'm gonna make hollandaise sauce. good girl. what if she won't let me? barbara...

when i make it, i usually add a little less-- this is the way i make it, hazel. oh, i'm sure it's gonna be terrific, but--but don't you put a little-- all the ingredients are in it. oh. you want me to finish stirring it-- no, i'll finish it, hazel. i'm sure you have something else to do. well, you said tonight about playing bridge. would you like a little somethin' to munch on when you're playing? yes, we always have something.

no, i will do it myself after dinner. - oh, i'll do it, miss baxter. - no, i will do it, hazel. but i--i got this special recipe-- - [sternly] hazel, i will do it. - yes, ma'am. well, hollandaise sauce looks thick enough. if you'll just serve up dinner, i'll go get the kids to the table. boy, that needed lemon and cayenne. okay, kids. all washed up for dinner? - susie: yes. - is it ready? i'm hungry. hazel's about to put it on the table. you go on in. can we take our dinner in the den and watch television? no, you may not. oh, okay. they wouldn't let me at home, either. come on, susie. uh, well? hmm? i made the hollandaise sauce. ah-hah...

broken bones, hmm? well, it was really quite painless. i simply went in there and laid down the law. yeah, i knew she wouldn't give you a bad time. she couldn't have been nicer. tsk. i don't know why she had me so intimidated. mm-hmm. well, as long as you got through it, honey. let's go in to dinner, hmm? mmm! boy, does this look good! well, now, don't start till the folks get here. what's this on the asparagus? that's hollandaise your mother made. yuck! i don't like it. you ain't even tasted it yet. i've tasted it before. i'll just scrape it off. mmm! smells good, hazel. oh, well, you just sit down. i'll get your plates. ah. mother, i don't like this sauce. oh, i know you don't, susie. i'm sorry. i forgot to tell hazel. oh, i hope she made rolls tonight. oh, hazel makes rolls almost every night. oh, mr. baxter, did you hear the one about the midget that bought a teeny-weeny factory

no, what about him? he made a small fortune. [chuckles] [all chuckle] oh, honey, this hollandaise sauce is delicious! really? oh, good! is it a new recipe? no. same recipe. it sure is! it's just as good as hazel's! try it, susie! - i like it! - well--well good! [loud clank] this makes me so mad! what's the matter, honey? this hollandaise sauce is delicious. that's what i just said. i like it. well, i didn't make it! when i make hollandaise sauce, it's terrible! barbara, what are you talking about?

and i resent it! i like it. uh, barbara, can't we discuss this after dinner? that's an excellent idea. but i intend to discuss it with hazel. oh, did you wanna tell me something, miss baxter? no, hazel. but i'd like to have a little talk with you after dinner. oh, sure. anytime. see what i got here? blueberry muffins. - they're my specialty. - oh, thank you, hazel. - i won a prize with 'em. - oh, boy! what about you, miss baxter? i don't care for one, hazel. - oh, go on, try one. - i don't want one, hazel. aw, go on. hazel, please. i don't care for one. yes, ma'am. [ ] yeah, school's okay, but i don't like the teacher as well as the one at the old school. oh, well, you ain't been there very long. how do you like the kids?

one kid kept hitting me over the head with a book when the teacher wasn't looking. oh, for pete's sake. why?! oh, because i'm new. so, at recess we had a fight, and i won. oh, well, i don't like you fightin', sport, but i'm glad you didn't lose. after the fight, he asked me if he could be my friend. and when i said yes, he borrowed a quarter from me. oh! that's a doozy! you and "uncle sam" is in the same boat! harold, would you mind going into the living room? i want to have a talk with hazel. okay. i'll go play with susie. uh, she's getting ready for bed. why don't you see if there's something on television? all right, aunt barbara. hazel, i don't have much time, and, well, i think we ought to have a little talk. oh, sure, miss baxter. um, you did something to my hollandaise sauce, didn't you? well, uh, yeah. i added a little lemon juice and some cayenne pepper. - did it come out all right? - well, it was delicious. but that's not the point. hazel, it seems that, uh,

oh, miss baxter, i-- it's made me feel useless and unnecessary and-- oh, for pete's sake-- oh, please let me finish. oh, there you are. honey, where's that plaid sport shirt of mine? well, i had it cleaned, and it's in the bottom drawer of your, uh, dresser. ah. [snaps fingers] you know, that darn thing's so old it's practically worn out, but it's so comfortable. steve, i'm having a talk with hazel. oh. oh? oh! uh, i for-- i forgot. i'll see you later. [sighs] now, uh, where was i? well, it sounded like you was about to fire me. oh, i'm not going to fire you, hazel. it's just that i want you to know that you're going to have to function around here quite differently from now on. well, i don't know if i could do that, miss baxter. well, you're going to have to, hazel! i mean, you have no choice! i insist that you do-- mother, will you come hear my prayers? well... i'm sleepy. all right, susie.

yes, miss baxter. come on, susie. [ ] hey, honey, i'm sorry i, uh, interrupted you. how did it go? i had another interruption. but i'm going back in there. say good night to daddy. good night, daddy. good night, pumpkin. hazel? may i come in? hazel: yeah, come on in. what are you doing with a suitcase?

you're leaving? well, i don't see that there's much else i can do. i just don't fit in around here. oh, hazel, it's just your tendency to take over. "take over"? boy, if i didn't feel like cryin', i could almost laugh at that one. you got so much that belongs to you that i could never be a part of, let alone take over. well, what does that mean? well, uh, i mean, you got a wonderful husband and a beautiful little daughter and a lovely home. no--no one could ever take that away from you. and all i got is a talent for taking care of people's homes and their children. that's all i got a talent for. oh, hazel... well, i--if i seemed to take over, it was because i thought maybe if i pitched in that it would give you more time to spend with your family. or maybe to help mr. baxter in his real estate office, like you used to before susie came.

all you had to do was to tell me. oh, hazel, i feel so ashamed. hi, i'm leeza gibons with an amazing story about how philips lifeline gives betty white peace of mind and gave my father a second chance at life. daddy is invincible. that's how we want to think about our parents. knowing that dad lives alone, we worry. that's why was so hard for all of us when he had his heart attack. i wasn't feeling well that day. the heart attack hit me, i fell to the floor, and i was trying to crawl back to the bed. of course in excruciating pain. i'm alive today because of philips lifeline. philips lifeline is the number one medical alert service in the u.s. today. you get fast easy access to help any time. daddy was been a little resistant. because he didn't want to seems vulnerable. he didn't want so seems old.

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365 days a year. call today or visit www.philipslifeline.com don't wait! i mean why don't take the chance call philips lifeline now! - hi, mona, fred! - hi, steve. oh, you ready to do battle? i had raw meat for dinner. [chuckles] we both did. of course, we didn't plan it that way, it's just that mona's a terrible cook. we have a cook who's so good she's unbelievable.

how 'bout that? you're really comin' up in the world. - hi, barbara. - hi, fred. well, the arena's all set up. boys against the girls as usual? suits me. there we go. [grunts] well, all right, let's touch gloves and, uh, may the better man emerge triumphant. i assume that these cards are shuffled. they are. oh, uh, excuse me, we're just startin' off for the movies, and i wanted to thank you for the use of the car. - oh, you're welcome. have a good time! - oh, thanks! yes, i will! - oh, hazel! - hmm? you met mrs. williams this afternoon. this is mr. williams. oh, how do you do? very glad to know you. nice meeting you, hazel. [chuckles] good night, everybody! all: good night! that's a curious coincidence, isn't it? - what is? - she has a hat exactly like yours! egads, that is not like my hat! her hat cost $4.98. mine cost 40! that is the most infuriating woman i have ever met!

and be quiet, mona, and play bridge. well! uh, honey, i thought you were gonna bring out some cheese dip. tsk. oh, darn! i forgot to make it. oh, miss baxter! i forgot to tell you there's a bowl of cheese dip on the top shelf in the refrigerator. [chuckles]

[ ] [ ] hazel, your lunch is getting cold. lunch? oh. i think i'll skip lunch today. hazel, don't be absurd. you have to eat lunch. you have to keep up your strength. i won't miss it. i wasn't gonna fix much, anyway, just a snack. cream chicken? and hot biscuits with butter on it? - and french-fried potatoes? - and chocolate cake with nuts on it? don't look so guilty, hazel. you have to keep up your strength. but that lunch wasn't for me. who was it for? i was just gonna have a little lettuce and tomatoes. who was it for? we've all had our lunch. i wasn't even gonna have salt on the tomatoes. hazel, who was the creamed chicken, french-fried potatoes, hot biscuits with butter and chocolate cake for? all right, i'll tell ya. i wish you would, yes. i will tell ya! steve! i'll tell you.

saturday. yeah, saturday. that's right. and that's the day that millie comes to the office, so i was saving the lunch for her. millie? sure. she has to stay during the lunch hour to get the phone calls, and all she ever does is nibble on a candy bar, so i thought i'd fix her a nice, wholesome lunch and take it over to her. it was very sweet and thoughtful of you, hazel. yes, wasn't it? you better take it over to her before it gets cold as ice. hi, hazel. this ain't my lunch. huh? i don't eat creamed chicken and--and hot biscuit and chocolate cake. i'm awfully sorry if i offended you the other day. - i was only kidding about calories. - what's to kid about? i told you this ain't my lunch.

[doorbell rings] - hi, bill, come on in. - hi, steve. i'm expecting a phone call. - thanks for coming over. - i'm glad to. what about the ferguson acreage? have you got the papers and deed? no, ferguson has them. but i could send millie over for them. congratulations are in order. bates wants to buy it? of course, for his new factory. you've closed the deal then? well, not yet. then what are you doing here? why aren't you working on him? i'm letting him come to me. what are you talking about? that's no way to sell property. have i been wrong yet? i don't know. no. but maybe we should-- i don't know, maybe we should talk to ferguson about coming down on the price-- no. bates wants it, and he'll buy it at our price. just be patient. he'll call. guess all we can do is sweat it out then. he's the one who's sweating it out. i guarantee he'll call before the day is over.

what do you mean you ain't got time for lunch? that was mr. baxter who just called. i have to go across town and get some papers for mr. ferguson. creamed chicken, hot biscuits-- hazel, i'm really not hungry. i'll eat a chocolate bar on the way. that ain't no nourishment for a grown girl like you. you need nutrition, and creamed chicken is brain food. ask any nutritionist. mr. baxter asked if you could just answer the phone until i get back. if freddy calls, tell him i'm free tonight. if jack calls, tell him i already have a date, and if phil calls, don't let him know that freddy and jack called. why don't you ring? if we're gonna sit here together, we might as well talk.

i'm terribly sorry, hazel. i shouldn't have sneaked in on you like this. i should've knocked first. but don't worry, i didn't see a thing. i'll go out and come in again.

and this is our exercise room. it has magnificent equipment. oh, yeah, i'll say. what does she need exercisin' for? she's just keeping her body toned. when she came to us, she was about your size. oh, you're kiddin'? she was about two pounds heavier. and how long did it take to trim her down?

of course, it probably wouldn't take you as long. what do you mean? you have such wonderful bone structure. oh! you noticed. yeah, you're beautifully proportioned. oh, no, no. i wouldn't say that. basically, you are. oh, yeah. yeah. basically. actually, it's simply a matter of toning a muscle here, a muscle there. sort of pulling in the loose ends, so to speak. our modern scientific discoveries have eliminated all the struggle and effort which were formerly thought necessary to reducing. i never had much luck with dieting. well, as for dieting, we don't believe in it. huh? actually, we don't, uh, we don't approve of it. you don't? no. common sense will tell you that if thin people can eat the same things as others and still not get fat, well, food can't be to blame, can it? that's what i always say, but i can't seem to convince anybody. we've really come a long way since the old days

to have an exquisite figure. oh... she only weighed two pounds more than me, huh? you'd probably get through the course in half the time she did. how much does all of this cost? $250. oh. and that's all that stands between her and me? it's absolutely silly. it's the silliest thing i ever heard of. what's silly about it? i could sell real estate in my spare time. hazel, i don't need anymore salesmen-- she's not asking you for a permanent job. she just wants to sell enough to earn $250. but why do you have to sell real estate to raise the money. you said you had some reserves. you said you had a few shares of stock. sell my blue chip stock that's going up point after point year after year, and maybe-- and soon they'll be splitting it two-for-one? in any case, you can't sell real estate because you don't have a license.

i--i could be a front man. i mean a front woman. no. - i could make contacts-- - no. - i could get on the phone-- - no! and call a few people. - it would only cost a few pennies. - no! no! - but think of the profits-- - no!

to help preserve our environment. i got involved. i boosted tourism in my farm community by

i got involved. i enjoy gardening and love delivering a fresh supply of produce and flowers to a local shelter. i got involved. young volunteers have a winning spirit that we think is worth celebrating. middle and high school students: ask your school principal about applying for a prudential spirit of community award. volunteer! y y sell real estate in my spare time. - all right. - and i'll split the commission. - all right. why don't you let hazel take a look at some of your listings. she might see something she feels she could handle... all right. they're in your desk drawer, aren't they? all right-- i-i mean, yes. help yourself, hazel. god bless you and good luck! thanks! thank you both! boy! ha ha! i'll be signed up with that course before it's time to start dinner! [ringing] baxter real estate.

it's bill fox. i've been thinking over that ferguson land you wanted to sell me. you mentioned there was another party interested. have you sold it? well, as a matter of fact, the other party is here with me now. but, of course, i give you first right of refusal. i can't very well go back on my word if you want the... well, i've been thinking... the--the price seems a little high. just a moment, mr. bates, let me speak to the other party. the gentleman i mentioned to you who has first right of refusal seems to feel that the price is too high. however, we're representing the property owner in this transaction, and it's our duty to see that he receives a fair price. now, if you will meet the seller's quotation and the other party doesn't, then we have no choice but to see that you receive the property. you will? just a moment. hello?

now, if you don't feel that... all right, i'll meet the price. it's a deal. i need that property for my new factory. fine, mr. bates. fine. as soon as our secretary returns, we'll send her over to pick up your check. then we can go into escrow. good-bye. got him. you kids shouldn't have followed me. what have you got? your dad said i could help myself to some of his listings. what are you selling? there's one here that i think is very good. and it says that your uncle steve says that a mr. bates may be interested in the ferguson property. maybe. oh, boy! when i start giving my sales technique, he's gonna be lickin' his chops as if i were selling him a cut-rate acre in paradise. mr. bates, this is miss burke from the baxter realty company. thank you.

won't you be seated. oh, yes. now, mr. bates, i don't believe in wasting the time of a creative, dynamic, successful businessman like yourself, so i'll get right to the point. splendid. and i must apologize for not having the check ready when you arrived. huh? i'm sorry. i didn't mean to interrupt. oh, yeah. well, a creative, dynamic, successful businessman like yourself shouldn't let a person like myself waste his time. not at all, my dear. i've been expecting you. huh? i've been expecting you. oh. well, i had an aunt that was intuitive like that. well, anyways, what i was going to say was that i happen to know that you're planning to build an important new factory, and i got just the place to build it on. the ferguson property. i can't think of a single reason why i shouldn't buy that property. you can't? the location is right, the taxes are right, the availability, the transportation is right. everything about that property is right.

i'll have my secretary make out your check. oh, boy! i didn't even have to go into my sales pitch. i just walked into his office, exuding personality, and he shoved this in my face. i don't believe it. seein' is believin'. there's the check. wait'll steve sees this. he's over at the office right now. i'm not takin' all the credit for the deal 'cause mr. baxter said on his listing that mr. bates was already interested. for heaven sakes! when do you think i'll get my commission? i don't know. knowing as i had the money coming to me, i stopped off and bought me a new dress. i charged it. let me see it, hazel. yeah, look at that. there, ain't that a beauty? i got it two sizes too small. what? you bought a dress two sizes too small? oh, well, sure. i figured that by the time i got finished with my contouring,

don't you think you could've waited until, well... oh, no. i've got to commit myself. sport, would you do me a favor? would you call the salvation army and tell them that the next trip would they stop by here? why? i have some old clothes i want to give them. hazel, that's going too far. oh, no. i'm burning my bridges behind me. that way i can't go backwards. it's something i picked up from julius caesar. i'm crossing the rubicon. this way i gotta go forward and onward to 36-24-36. what do you mean she sold that property? i sold it! all right, calm down. she's not getting a dime of that commission! look, it's all my fault. i told her to take a listing out of the desk. - i had no idea she-- - she's not getting a dime of that commission! will you please be quiet about that dime? but she's already charged a brand-new dress, and she's signed up for a $250 contouring course.

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i don't know where she is. even if she went to that figure contouring salon, she should've been back before now. boy, i dread it, i really dread it, breaking that news to her. here's hazel! i've known hazel all my life, but i've never seen her walk like that! the way she looks, maybe she was hit by a truck or something.

hazel? where have you been? what happened? i can't talk. hazel, where have you been? hazel, you did not make that sale! - i have been working on that deal-- - please leave her alone! - i can't talk. - hazel, are you sick? - do you feel all right? - oh, feel all right? i'm numb. if i could just feel something, i'd be all right. [groans] hazel, i'm afraid i have some bad news for you. bad news? very bad. very bad? i'm in just the mood for it. i signed up for the course today. i took my-- my first lesson. you--you signed up to pay $250? oh, well... you have to pay for everything you get in this life, you know?

hazel, that bates' deal-- i had already closed that deal. all you did was pick up the check. so, under the circumstances, we--we can't pay you any commission. oh, then i don't have any money coming to me? not a dime! you and your dime! then i'll have to cancel my contour classes. i'm afraid so. oh... oh, that's terrible. oh, that's just too awful for words. this day has been just one disaster after the other! hello, salvation army, i'd like to speak to you about some clothes of mine you got. of course, we don't want to compel anyone to take our courses.

i just--i'm crazy about them. the fact remains that you did sign an agreement to pay us $250. yes, but the fact is i don't have the 250. well, let's not let a little thing like that upset us, hmm? we'll let my attorney worry about it. he's, uh, he's very good at getting court orders. he'll find some way to help you meet your obligation. garnish, say, your salary, attach your car, personal property. he's, uh, he's very resourceful. he'll find some kind of assets that you can use, i'm sure. so let's not fret about it. uh-huh. uh-huh. bill fox and his wife are here. i just made a cocktail for them. you shouldn't have invited them to dinner. what could i do? they wanted to celebrate the the bates' deal. we shouldn't have invited them here.

there ain't nothin' wrong with me that 250 bucks won't cure. did you speak to your attorney? yeah. they've got hazel over a barrel. she signed the agreement, so they can garnish your wages and attach your personal property. what personal property? uh-huh. uh-huh. steve, that coat you were going to get me, it wouldn't cost 250, but, well, i'm in no hurry to get it, and we could use that money. no, honey. i think i can see a way where we can combine some of our bills. that way i could get a little more time on them, and we could use that money to-- oh, you two are sweethearts, but i was stupid enough to get myself into this... uh-huh. the salvation army says they only have one more truckload of things to sort out. they say your clothes are bound to be part of it. i'm gonna have to sell my personal property, my stock, and you know what'll happen? the minute i sell it, it'll go up 10 points, and it'll split two-for-one.

oh, where's my brain been? welcome home, brain! what? mr. fox was the one that started this whole thing, sniping at me about my figure. well, turnabout is fair play! hi, miss fox! - hello, hazel. - hi, hazel. - how are you? - i'm fine. i'm glad you asked. i'm feelin' fit as a fiddle. i'm taking a class of contouring, you know, to trim my figure down? i keep telling myself i should do something like that, but i--i just don't have the will power. will power's a thing of the past. modern science has discovered how to eliminate all that effort and struggle. oh? oh, sure. the place i go to is just a question of toning a muscle here and a muscle there. when it comes to dieting i'm just a complete failure. the place i go to don't believe in dieting. - they don't? - no. they don't approve of it. really? common sense tells you

and not get fat, food ain't to blame. no, you know. we've come a long way since the women had to struggle with all that effort and everything. now it's just a question of tightening up a few muscles that have got prematurely...pooped! no effort? no effort at all. just a few minutes of your leisure time. science does the rest. what is she up to? it just so happens that i don't have time enough to finish my course. and, if you want, i could give it to you at a bargain... 240 bucks. now you know. you interested? certainly am! dear, we could use some of that commission money from the bates' deal, couldn't we? after all, you don't have to have a new chair in your den. we could just tie those loose springs down.

please, as a favor to me, a swift kick in the pants will help me remember. you won't forget, bill. just frame the canceled check and hang it on the wall. oh, sure. willpower is a thing of the past. hey, has anybody been doing any borrowing out of this bank? why, dennis, of course not. does it sound like there's $2 in here? no, no. i'd say not.

right after christmas. yes. but that was before you learned how to shake the money out of it to buy sodas and candy. i just gotta have $2. what do you need it for? something that cost georgie $8 and i could have the whole thing for two if i act fast. ooh, what is this great bargain? i'll show you. georgie's white mice. jennifer and caesar with the whole cage. oh, fine. just what we need. sure. and the cage is just perfect. except the door is a little bit loose but dad can fix that. isn't that swell? oh, swell. so, will you give me the $2? no, i won't. now, if you want those two mice, you can just buy them yourself. boy, i got a swell start. now, all i need is $1.95 to go.