right after christmas. yes. but that was before you learned how to shake the money out of it to buy sodas and candy. i just gotta have $2. what do you need it for? something that cost georgie $8 and i could have the whole thing for two if i act fast. ooh, what is this great bargain? i'll show you. georgie's white mice. jennifer and caesar with the whole cage. oh, fine. just what we need. sure. and the cage is just perfect. except the door is a little bit loose but dad can fix that. isn't that swell? oh, swell. so, will you give me the $2? no, i won't. now, if you want those two mice, you can just buy them yourself. boy, i got a swell start. now, all i need is $1.95 to go.

got any ideas on how to earn the rest of it? sure. mrs. wilson's away and maybe good old mr. wilson needs something done. [music] [doorbell ringing] yes. who is it? it's me, mr. wilson. oh, hello, dennis. i got something real important to talk to you about. okay, talk. jeepers. with you up there and me down here, isn't it kind of hard for you to hear me? as a matter of fact, it is. you better talk louder. i got something real important to show you. all right, dennis. the front door is unlocked. come on in.

maybe it was the backdoor i left open for the gas man. [music] all right, now, dennis, what did you-- dennis? dennis? dennis: yes, mr. wilson. up here, mr. wilson. oh, oh, there you are. how did you get up there? i came up the stairs. how did you get down there? well, i came down the stairs. jeepers, i didn't see you. well, how else would i get down here?

oh, dennis, don't you touch that chessboard. heck no. i'm just looking. i've been up half the night working out an extremely complicated chess move. now, what was it you wanted to show me. first, i wanna ask you if you have any odd jobs to be done. oh, mrs. wilson away, i have any number of them. $1.95 worth? easily. but they consist mostly of cooking, sewing, and washing socks. jeepers, i'm better at doing things like raking leaves. now, if you were a tailor, you could really help me out. i lost a button that goes there and i can't find where mrs. wilson keeps the buttons. why don't you use a safety pin? well, i would if i had one. the trouble is i looked all over the house and i can't seem to find where mrs. wilson keeps the safety pins either. here's one, mr. wilson. oh, yes. that looks about the right size. mr. wilson: well, yes, i think that's gonna do the job just fine.

that's more like it. thank you, dennis. you're a big help. how much worth, mr. wilson? oh, well, i'd say a dimes worth? gee, thanks, mr. wilson. now all i need is a dollar and eighty-five cents. you still haven't told me what you want the money for. to buy those two swell white mice from georgie including the cage. dennis, you get those rodents out of my house immediately. you mean jennifer and caesar? i mean those mice right there. now you take these two-- dennis, when you came in here, were there two mice in this cage? sure. jennifer and caesar. hey, where's caesar? he's loose somewhere in this house. jeepers, it's lucky you don't have any elephants or they'd be scared. oh, that's an old wives' tale, dennis. i know. old wives and elephants are scared of them.

sure. we have to.

let's everybody shake their pants legs. oh, dennis. you run down to the refrigerator and get some cheese. i think i'd rather have a peanut butter sandwich. it's not for you. it's for that blasted mouse. i think he'd rather have peanut butter too. dennis, i will give you 10 minutes to find him before i go over and borrow mrs. perkins' cat. oh, don't do that, mr. wilson. i'll find him. he's probably in a dark corner i bet you. [music]

swell, i'll hold the cage while you put him in. don't worry if he runs up your sleeve, he likes to keep warm that way. here, i'll hold the cage. you put him back. i got him. dennis, look what you've done. you've ruined my entire strategy for tonight. excuse me, mr. wilson, caesar was so fast i couldn't help it. now, i'm gonna have to have that safety pin back to hold the door shut. oh, well, all right then, give me back my dime. jeepers, i thought i was kind of renting the pin to you. oh, you can keep the dime. just go. mr. wilson, could you lend me $1.85? no, i couldn't. now home, home. bye, mr. wilson.

hi, dad. hi, son. boy, am i glad to see you. oh, that's nice to hear. what have you been doing all day? i have been trying to earn some money. any luck? i rented a safety pin to mr. wilson for a dime 'cause he had a button missing. hey, dad, do you have any buttons missing? no, i'm afraid not. well, i ask myself, "what kind of animals would good old dad like to have in the house?" and what did i say? mice. mice? sure. and georgie's got two of them in a cage for $2. so would you give me $1.85? i'm sorry, son. you ought to have that much in your piggy bank. jeepers, dad, that piggy bank leaks. it wouldn't if you didn't shake it. no, i'm afraid you'll have to save the money yourself. have you been talking to mom? no. oh, but i've got to. we need a sitter for the night. why don't you hire me?

your mama and i have to go out to the airport and meet a very important client, then we're going out to dinner. mom's in the kitcn. okay. [music] dennis eating his dinner? well, he's sitting at the table picking at it with his fork. what time are we due at the airport? 7:30. 7:30? i thought you said 8:00. oh, i just checked with the airport, the plane's early. oh. what time is the sitter coming? not until 7:30. oh, maybe i better call her. [doorbell ringing] oh, i'll get it, honey. thanks. just stay here thanks. and finish dressing. all right. hi, mr. wilson. you wanna rent my safety pin again? no, i don't. i came over to see your father. hi, mr. wilson. dennis, have you finished with your dinner? yep. eat it all? heck no, dad. i'm just finished with it. you go right up and get something to eat. well, what can i do for you, mr. wilson? well, i have a little problem, mitchell. oh, yes. i know. dennis has been over bothering you for a job. oh, no, no. that's not the problem.

monsieur gustav bouchet, the international chess champion and his wife are in town. oh, yes. i read about it in the paper. oh, well, since i'm not unknown in chess circles, he called me and i invited them to dinner. i intended taking them to the lobster house. well, it sounds like a wonderful evening. well, unfortunately, they assumed they were having dinner at my house and they brought their little boy along. what's the matter with that? take the little boy along to the lobster house. well, mitchell, the boy is dennis' age. took dennis over the lobster house once and-- oh yes, i see what you mean. well, i persuaded his parents that a babysitter is customary in america. so you need a babysitter. well, we have-- oh, no, no, no. i've already arranged for a babysitter. but i don't have anything in the house to feed the little fellow. well, your problem is solved. bring him over here. we have plenty. well, thank you, mitchell. thank you very much. i'll-- if he's a pretty good kid, why don't you let him stay with me? why, that's a good idea, dennis. oh, but i have a sitter of my own coming.

yes. i guess one of us is wasting his money at that. why don't you cancel yours, mr. wilson? oh, no. it's only fair that i pay. you cancel yours. i don't know. our sitter, mrs. porter's a very dependable woman. well, so is mine. and since i'm the one who's asking the favor-- well, all right, you have it your way. you can pay. oh, fine. i'll run over and get little michel. thank you very much. no, no, no. mr. wilson, when you come back from the lobster house, will you bring me a claw? now, what do you want a claw for? so i can scare that dumb old margaret. [music] oh, ms. porter, this is henry mitchell. could we cancel out with you tonight, please? thank you very much. we'll make it up to you another time. thanks a lot, ms. porter.

[speaking french] well, we're all set. we just drop michel off next door to the mitchell's and be on our way. we don't have to wait for the babysitter?

the mitchell's sitter will be taking care of both the boys tonight. now, if you'll excuse me for a moment-- i'll cancel mine. [music] [doorbell ringing] coming. coming. oh, michel, this is dennis mitchell. mrs. mitchell, mr. mitchell, this is little michel bouchet. how do you do, michel? comment allez vous, madame, monsieur. monsieur. boy, you gotta stop talking like that or mom will wash your mouth out with soap. he's speaking french. french? jeepers, what's that? it's a foreign language. michel, i'm sure you're hungry. if you come into the kitchen, i'll fix you some dinner. thank you, madame mitchell. i do have much hunger. even when i understand, you talk funny. oh, that's enough dennis. come on, boys. sweetheart, we're running late. all right. oh, say, why don't you two go on ahead? i'll wait for the babysitter to arrive. oh, that will be wonderful, mr. wilson. oh, it's the least i can do

i'd go get alice's coat. you don't even know how to play baseball. boy, there lot i got to teach you. here you are, michel. sweetheart, mr. wilson says he'll wait for the sitter. we can go. oh, thank you, mr. wilson. oh. now, dennis, remember to go to bed when the sitter tells you to. in this house we always obey the sitter. oh, yes, madame mitchell. good night, dennis. good night, michel. good night. [speaking foreign language] good night, dennis. we'll be home early. okay. bye. dennis, how do you call this dish? that's called chicken-ala-king, but you don't have to eat it anymore 'cause they're gone. but i like it. you should've come over earlier. you could have mine too. [doorbell ringing] i'll get it. oh, no. you entertain your little guest. i'll get the door. and if it's the babysitter, i'll see you later. boy, i got something you'll like swell.

oh, les souris what? les souris these aren't les souris; they're mice. oh, good. you're here. you'll find the two little boys out in the kitchen. [music] hello. hello. is your mother home? no. isn't that why you're here? i'm from the drugstore. and since it's on my way home, i brought this jar of cold creme she ordered. tell her i'll put in her bill. okay. how'd you like to be part owner of these mice? mais oui. huh? yes. got any money? mais non. i was hoping french kids were different. when is it that the babysitter arrives?

we've been waiting an hour. i don't think she's gonna come or she would've been here by now. your father will be angry after having hired her. dennis: yeah. he was gonna pay her 50 cents an hour. hey, that means i've been babysitting for you ever since they left. you? babysitting for me? sure. somebody's got to do it. and it's my house and besides, i need the money. c'est bon. now, we can stay up until our parents come home. oh no. in this house, you go to bed when the babysitter tells you to. hey, that's me. [music] but this is ridiculous. i never go to bed at 8:00. in this house you will. i'm the babysitter and i'm gonna do a good job of it.

now, don't talk back. now, did you brush your teeth? yes, i brush them. did you wash behind your ears? [speaking french] you made me take a shower? all right. now, say a prayer and get in bed and i'll tell you story. [speaking french] what was that? my prayer. are you not going to bed too? heck, no. babysitters can't go to bed. we have to stay up and eat sandwiches and watch television. now, what story do you want me to tell you about? the one about the milkmaid. milkmaid? i don't know any story about a milkmaid. it's the one that governess tells me. jeepers. does the governor ever tell it to you.

just a governess. it goes like this. "where are you going to my apache maid," the man asked. "i'm going to milking," she said. he said, "may i go with you, my apache maid?" she answered kindly, "you're welcome, sir." "what is your father, my apache maid?" "my father is a farmer," she said. "darn. i can't marry you my apache maid." "huh, nobody asked you, sir," she said. you call that a bedtime story? i'll tell you a bedtime story. you see, once upon a time, there was this great big fierce dragon and fire came out of his nose. and he went up to this castle where there was this beautiful princess. and he snorted on the door till it burned down.

and saw the terrible dragon and she screamed, "sir lancelot, help me." sir lancelot was out in the forest sharpening his sword and putting peanut butter on his armor so it wouldn't squeak. well, when he heard the princess screaming, he was about to put on his armor and go rescue her. when the black knight came up and caught him in his underwear and challenged him to a duel. sacre bleu. sir lancelot put on his helmet and picked up his sword, and you know what? the handle fell off. what did he do? dennis: he just started laughing. he grabbed the black knight's horse by the tail and started swinging it over his head. isn't that swell?? oui. back at the castle, the dragon was going upstairs to the princess' room, and she hollered,

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oh, excuse me. oh, alice, mitchell. hi, mr. wilson. hello, mr. wilson. what a pleasant surprise. oh, i'd like you to meet madame and mr. bouchet, mr. and mrs. mitchell. how do you do? mr. wainwright, mr. wilson and the bouchets. hi, mr. wainwright. how do you do, mr. wainwright? it is a great pleasure to meet the parents of dennis. will you not join us? please. oh, that's right. you are on your expense account tonight aren't you? why don't we make room for you on our table? waiter, will you bring a couple of chairs, please. you have such a nice little boy. oh, merci. we are very proud of him. i hope he give you no trouble to your babysitter. oh, he won't be a bit of trouble. but she isn't our babysitter, she's mr. wilson's. oh. oh, no, no, alice, i cancelled mine. i left your mrs. porter sitting with the children. mr. wilson, i cancelled mrs. porter. you're woman is sitting with. oh, no. mitchell, stop joking. i left your mrs. porter sitting with the children.

just when we're about to enjoy a lovely dinner. excuse me. i'm going to make a call home. did you turn the boys over to mrs. porter? well, of course, i did. she came to the door and i said hello and she-- well, she was a very quiet woman. she didn't actually-- mr. wilson, you do know our sitter, mrs. porter. well, of course, i know your mrs. port-- well no. not exactly. what did she look like? well, she was a slender, dark-haired woman about 35. mrs. porter is plump and gray. honey, i've just talked to dennis. the boys are home alone. no one is taking care of michel. oh, no, no. now calm yourself. dennis is taking care. dennis? great scott. i hope your house is insured. now, you have to excuse us, mr. wainwright. of course.

dennis. dennis. shhh, shhh. please be quiet. you'll wake michel. i just got him down. michel is asleep? sure. upstairs in my bed and in my pajamas and with my teddy bear. it's the first door on the right upstairs. oh, merci. merci beaucoup. oh, dennis. you were such a good boy. i know it. you're probably the best babysitter we've ever had. sure. i started work at 7:00 and now it's 9:00. at 50 cents an hour, how much do you owe me? that comes to exactly $1. now, i'm very happy to pay it, son. gee, thanks, dad. mitchell, alice, is everything alright? everything is just fine, mr. wilson. michel is upstairs asleep and dennis did a wonderful job of babysitting. dennis? sure.

dad paid me a dollar. well, by golly, i'm going to give you a dollar too. here, you deserve it. swell, now i can buy georgie's mice. you bet you can, son. you certainly can, honey. and guess what? i'm gonna have 12 of them. while you were away, they had puppies.

go away. what in the world are you doing that for, mr. wilson? hello, mr. dorfman. oh, i'm trying to chase away these blasted starlings, they're just ruining my garden. yeah, they're all over the neighborhood. yeah. well according to a book i have on pest control, loud noises are supposed to scare them away. they don't look very scared to me. yeah, i know. but i just got to keep on trying. oh, there's some mail for me? oh, yeah. here's a magazine. oh, thank you. and your telephone bill and letter from mrs. wilson. oh, anything else? you see, tomorrow's my birthday, i was expecting a few cards. well, i'll just take a look. [music] boy, you sure have thrown a lot of bread into mr. wilson's yard this week. yeah, before i started doing it he didn't have practically any starlings at all. you know, he doesn't like starlings.

sure he does. mr. wilson, loves all birds, he's even a member of the birdwatchers. yeah, that's right. tomorrow is mr. wilson's birthday, and you know what i'm gonna get him for a present? what? a whole loaf of bread to feed his starlings with. i wonder who's doing all that banging. i don't know, but i wish they'd stop. they're making the birds so nervous they might fly away. boy, starling sure make a lot of noise. sure. that's the best thing about them. cause all the time they're singing. oh. that squeaking is driving me out of my-- say maybe a different kind of sound would-- the door.

oh, great scott, i'm locked out. oh, shut up.

mr. dorfman, were you trying to hide from me again? oh no, ms. cathcart. i--i just didn't want to disturb you, i thought perhaps you were taking a nap. i got some cookie and milk waiting for you. oh, well, i can't stop now, ms. cathcart. i've got to deliver the mail. oh, in these dusty shoes. now you come right in the house i'll give them a nice brushing for you. oh, that's right. oh, you'll have to pick the lock. the address is 625 elm street. that's right, fine. well i'll expect you right away. goodbye. oh, thanks for the use of the phone, mitchell. oh, that's alright mr. wilson, how do you lock yourself out? oh, well, i-- i was out on the front porch trying to scare the starlings away

these starlings are real problem this year, i--i have never seen so many, they're all over the neighborhood. i'm home. dennis, how many times have i've told you about slamming that door? now go back out and come in again. okay. well, i think i'd better be running along. hi, mr. wilson. boy, are you glad to see me. oh, why? 'cause tomorrow's your birthday and i got a swell surprise for you. why, dennis,that was very nice of you. you're my good little friend. i know it. you want me to sit on your lap? well. i didn't mean, mr. wilson. did i put my knee in your stomach? yes, you did. i'll get off and get on again. aren't you gonna tell me what you're giving me for my birthday? heck no, then it wouldn't be a surprise. well, aren't you even gonna give me a hint?

what are you doing over here, mr. wilson? oh, i came over to use the telephone to call a locksmith, i can't get into my house, dennis. how come you can't get in to your house? well, i was out on the front porch and a gust of wind blow the door shut behind me. jeepers. i'll climb up your drainpipe and go in your bedroom window. no. how about if i climb down your chimney? certainly not. how about if we bust a window? oh, of course not. dennis, i think you better run out and play.

mr. wilson, about those starlings there must be something we can do to get rid of them. i done everything i know, i've beaten martha's dish pan to a pulp.

why, i don't know what good that would do. if i got rid of them in my yard, they just fly back in from somebody else's. that's right. the whole neighborhood outta be cleared. but who could afford to pay for that? well, it wouldn't be so bad if we made a neighborhood project out of it. and ask everybody to chip-in. why, alice, that's a wonderful idea. yes, honey, that's a good idea. well, by golly, let's do it. i know just the man to get for the job. of course, he's a crusty, old bachelor but he certainly knows his business when it comes to getting rid of starlings. well, we have to organize the neighborhood first. find someone who's well-known, reliable, and has organization ability. in other words, a leader. yeah. i'll get started right away. mother didn't believe in women voting, neither do i. mother always said, "a woman's place is in the home," it's a man's place out in the world.

[doorbell rings] now, who do you suppose that can be? well, don't worry, i'll get rid of them. [music] hi, ms. cathcart. dennis. well, i'm quite busy now. i'm wanna ask you something. oh well. very well, what is it? will you give me a piece of bread so i can-- hey, what are you doing with that shoe? never mind. that looks like a man's shoe. --never mind, dennis. are you shining somebody's shoes again? it doesn't concern you, dennis. hi, mr. dorfman. for pity's sake. dennis, you can go out in the kitchen and get a piece of bread. and if i come back, will you shine my shoes? no, i won't. because i'm entertaining mr. dorfman, now after you get the bread, you go out the back way. okay, ms. cathcart.

ah, ms. carthcart. my foot is getting cold. oh, well, it's those thin socks you wear, don't you worry, i'm gonna knit you some wool ones. well, it's not the socks, ms. cathcart. you have my shoe. oh, sorry, i'll hurry. there now, isn't that shiny? yes, that's fine, ms. cathcart. thank you. well, i better be-- you know mother couldn't stand dusty shoes and she always said, "a woman's place was to care of her man and entertain him." but i better be going-- i haven't entertained you yet. beautiful dreamer wake unto me starlight and dewdrops are waiting for thee [doorbell rings] for heaven's sake, now who can that be? be back in a moment. ms. cathcart, i've got to talk to you. well, not right now, mr. wilson. i'm entertaining. who? mr. dorfman.

now, what i wanted to talk to you about-- just one minute please, mr. wilson. mr. dorfman? ms. cathcart, i have a number of other people to contact, so i'll get right to the point. the starlings in this area have become such a problem that joint action must be taken. what starlings? what starlings? why, they're swarming all over the neighborhood. there haven't been any around here. oh, he got away. they must be around here. well, i haven't heard or seen one in my yard. if you don't have them now, you soon will have. now i'm asking everybody in the neighborhood to contribute toward hiring a professional to get rid of them. i don't see why i should contribute when they haven't been bothering me. but ms. cathcart, it's like the plague, why, no one's immune. and once they get in your yard, like they are in mine, you'll sign up quickly enough. well suppose i agree, how do i know this professional could get rid of them? oh, the man i have in mind

of course you might not like him as a person, he's a crusty old codger. i still don't see why i should i contribute. but then i guess a person gets crusty when he owns his own business and is so successful and so alone. he's a bachelor. i'll get my purse. now, do you think you can do the job, mr. prince; we want to clear the entire neighborhood? of course he can do it. how would you know? well-- of course i can do it. results are guaranteed. ah, fine. now we don't want the birds hurt, we just want them driven away. he wouldn't hurt them. this lady your wife? no, i'm a maiden lady. i'm ms. cathcart. i'm not married. figures. don't worry, i won't hurt them. ah, now-- what's your technique? ah, i have it right here in the safe.

yes, just play it over the phonograph. do you mean to tell me we're paying you $150 just to play a phonograph recording? no, you're paying me $150 to get rid of the starlings and this record will do it. hmmm. well, how's it work? this is the cry of a wounded starling; i spent two weeks in the woods before i could get this record. now, when the other starlings hear it, they fly away from what they think is a source of danger. why, that's absolutely brilliant. common sense.

hi, mr. wilson. hello, dennis. boy, mom, now that we got company, can i stay up for a while? oh, i'm just going home. say your goodnights and go to bed, dear. okay, good night, mr. wilson. good night. oh, just a minute, dennis. i want you to come over to my house tomorrow at 2:00 because we're having a little party. swell. that's 'cause it's your birthday, huh, mr. wilson?

because tomorrow i hope to get rid of those starlings. [music] get rid of 'em? that's right. well, mitchells, good night. i'll be running along. fine. good night, mr. wilson. good night, mr. wilson. good night. all right, young man, up to bed. wait a minute, mom, doesn't mr. wilson like starlings? he sure doesn't. they're ruining his garden. but i thought he loved birds. well, he does but-- mr. wilson just refuses to admit that a starling is a bird. sure, they're birds. they're swell birds. they got feathers and everything. well, don't you worry about it, son. can you tell us what it is you're giving mr. wilson for his birthday? i don't know now. i kinda think what i was giving him isn't his favorite. maybe what i'll do is get rid of the starlings for him. you do that, son. good night, dear. good night, son. good night, mom. good night, dad.

hey, mom. i need some liver, okay? in the refrigerator. [music] honey, honey, was dennis just in here? umm? i just had the craziest dream. i dreamt dennis came in here and asked for some liver. that's a crazy dream, all right, honey. go back to sleep. [music] good morning. hi. dennis, where have you been? now sit down, your breakfast is ready. i've been with tommy. we're gonna get rid of mr. wilson's starlings. thanks for the liver, mom. dennis, where on earth did you get liver? don't you remember, mom?

[music] i'll just put this over here. thank you, ms. cathcart. are we gonna play games too? i don't think it's that kind of a party, son. didn't you bring his present? it's gonna be a surprise, mom. oh my, well, you handled that as it weighed practically nothing. that's just about what it does weigh. well, perhaps after you play your record here, we could go over to my house and play it. well. but the starlings weren't bothering you. oh, but they're not but-- [doorbell] excuse me, i'll get it. oh, mitchell, alice. well, we're about set. happy birthday, mr. wilson. oh, thank you, alice. oh, hello, dennis. did you want something? did you forget, mr. wilson,

yes, i guess i did. mr. prince and ms. cathcart are already here. we're about set to go. come on in. oh, thank you. hi, everybody. hello, ms. cathcart. hi, ms. cathcart. hello. oh, mr. prince, i want you to meet mr. and mrs. mitchell and dennis. how do you do? how do you do? hi. mr. prince, we're anxious to see if this works. oh, don't worry, it works all right. well, sit down, everybody. [music] look out. you were about to sit on my record. boy, that was close. did you notice that, mr. wilson? i didn't do it. well, i'd rather lose my right arm than that record. it'd take me weeks to have it duplicated. i'll plug the record player in for you. i'll do it. i'll do it. that's all ready.

well, yes. you like him as much as you like mr. dorfman? yes. are you gonna shine his shoes? dennis. tommy: dennis, come on out and play baseball. yes, dear, what a wonderful idea. why don't you go out and play baseball with tommy? yes, son, run along outside and play. but what about the starlings? oh, you can see what happens outside. but what about the cake? oh, we'll call you in time for that. okay. you know what i'm gonna do 'cause it's your birthday, mr. wilson? i'm gonna hit you a homerun. well, fine. you do that. all right, now run along. well, if you're all ready, i'll go ahead. oh, yes, we're ready and waiting, mr. prince. shall i unwrap the record for you? no. nobody touches this record but me. it's far too valuable. two weeks in the woods to get this record. the only other copy in existence is in tennessee. tennessee? my.

oh. all right, tommy, right over the plate. i'm gonna hit a homerun for good 'ol mr. wilson. all right. here it comes. [music] oh, blast. oh no. oh, great scott. oh no. i'll skin that boy alive. mitchell, this is the last straw. well, now, remember, mr. wilson, he was hitting it for your birthday. dennis mitchell. happy birthday, mr. wilson. was it a good one? i didn't see where it went. you realize what that boy is doing to me? doing to you? look what he's done to me. two weeks in the woods, in the cold and the wet, hiking over mountains surrounded by wild animals, and now it's gone. it's all gone. you pay your car insurance premium like clockwork. month after month. year after year.

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i'm so sorry, mr. prince. if there's anything i can do to make it up to you, mr. prince,

you can spend two weeks in the woods for me. now, there's no point being gloomy. after all, this is a party and i know just what i'm gonna do to cheer you up. now, ms. cathcart, i don't think-- beautiful dreamer wake unto me starlight and dewdrops are waiting for thee is that what a wounded starling sounds like? heck, no. it's good old ms. cathcart. doesn't she sing swell? hey, look. they're all flying out of mr. wilson's yard? beautiful dreamer awake unto me as soon as you started to sing, all the starlings flew away. what? what?

honey, look at 'em go. yes. sing, ms. cathcart, sing. well, you really don't think that-- you do it for me. oh, well-- just a song at twilight when the lights are low and the flickering shadows softly come and go louder, ms. cathcart, louder, louder. though the heart be weary sad the day and long still to us at twilight comes love's old song boy, are you gonna get it.

it was one of the finest birthdays i've ever had. i got rid of all those starlings about two hours ago. my glasses? oh, i don't care. i'm wearing my spares anyway. oh, say, guess what, martha, i think mr. prince is going to have a partner in his business. who? why ms. cathcart, of course. [cats purring] huh? tonight? oh, i don't know. i just watch the television, go to bed early, get a good night's sleep. well, tomorrow morning will be the first time in weeks i won't be awakened by those blasted starlings. huh? you hear it too, martha? well, i don't know what it is. [doorbell] oh, just a minute, dear. there's someone at my front door. just a minute. hang on.

hi, mr. wilson. oh, dennis, i'm on the-- boy, if those starlings ever come back, will they be surprised. now that i've put liver up there to get rid of the starlings, your trees are full of cats. happy birthday, mr. wilson. uh-oh, dennis. [applause]

starring barbara billingsley, hugh beaumont, tony dow

(knocking on window) - come in eddie. morning. - good morning mrs. cleaver. i wonder if i might see wally? - why yes, of course eddie. he's up in his room. - oh, i make it a point not to lie in bed on saturday morning. it spoils my work habits for the school week. - yes well that's very wise of you eddie. the boys have been up for a long while. they're getting together some things for the rummage sale at church. - oh yes, my mother says that's always a good way to get rid of a lot of old stuff you don't want. - wally's up in his room eddie. - yes, mrs. cleaver. - hi eddie. - hi wally. - we're packing this junk for the rummage sale.

is your pop gonna take for this junk? - maybe you'd like to give us an appraisal on it eddie. - good morning mr. cleaver. i was just kidding with wally. - yeah, sure you were. - hey dad, we'll uh, we'll tie this stuff up if you want us to. - alright fine. eddie i wanna tell you something. - yes mr. cleaver? - oh uh, nothing. - boy eddie, why don't you watch it huh? - why don't you tip a guy off when your old man is pussyfooting around. - eddie what'd you wanna go and come over here for? - yeah, what's up eddie? - nothing. (chuckling) i guess you uh, haven't heard about me going steady huh? - you going steady with a girl eddie? - sure, carolyn shuster. - carolyn shuster? man, she's kind of pretty. - look, i got a date to meet her

come on, i'll take you along and show her to ya. - yeah, well, yeah i guess i could go. i got nothing else to do. - yeah, me too. - just a minute. what do you think this is, birdwatchers of america or something? get lost shrimp. - yeah, you finish tying up the box beav. i'll help you carry it downstairs when i get back. - yeah, well anyway, it's too early in the morning to go look at girls. (audience laughing) - boy, that eddie haskell. you know, if it hadn't been for beaver and wally i think i'd of blown my top upstairs just now. - i know what ya mean. i sometimes wonder what wally sees in him. - well i suppose boys can size up other boys better than adults. who knows, maybe wally sees beneath the brash, noisy, wise guy exterior, a rather likable insecure kid underneath. - well you're quite the kitchen philosopher this morning.

- i don't know, i hope likable insecure eddie hasn't started a fight. (audience laughing) beaver, that's too heavy for you. where's wally? - he went out with eddie. - well here, let me help you with it. - where'd they go beaver? - they went over to look at a girl that eddie says he's going steady with. - eddie haskell's going steady? - i don't really know what going steady means. i just heard it once in a song. - dad can i go to larry's now? - sure beaver go ahead. just leave the box here. i'll drop it off later. - thanks dad. hey mom, at the rummage sale can i buy back my old blue jeans that we've given away? - beaver what in the world would you want those old pants for? - well, they're the ones i had such a good time in up at summer camp. and if i wore 'em again i could pretend like i'm having a good time, even if i'm not. - well we'll see beaver. - thanks mom. goodbye dad. goodbye mom, see ya later. - goodbye beav. - bye.

- talk with him? about what? - about going steady. - he's not going steady, it's eddie haskell. - honey i know that, but i don't want wally getting ideas. i don't want wally mooncapping and lollydolling around after some high school siren. - dear i used to go around mooncapping and lollydolling after you. you didn't seem to mind then. - of course not, you weren't my son. (audience laughing) - i'll talk to him. - thanks a lot. - hey wally, caroline is sitting with alma hanson in the second booth. - where? - [eddie] don't turn around and stare at her. look at her in the mirror like i'm doing. - eddie why don't you just walk over there and say hello? - boy wally, you sure got a lot to learn about women. - you know, for a guy who's going steady

- listen, does rock hudson walk right up to doris day and say, "we come to look at ya"? nah, of course he doesn't. - i guess not. - he let's his charm soak in before he makes his move. - okay, will you make your move? i don't wanna have to buy another soda. - okay, come on. hi alma. hello caroline. - hi eddie. - hello eddie. - this is my best friend wally cleaver. you might of seen him around. - oh yes, we saw him score 12 points in the basketball game thursday night. - we certainly did. - oh gee, it wasn't much. i get fouled a lot. (stuttering) you know how it is. i mean, that's the way it is. - mind if we sit down honey? excuse me. uh, excuse me.

it brings out the blue in your eyes. - sure. oh i see you're fixing your hair the way i asked you. - uh huh. (audience laughing) - uh, after the game charlie miller got sick in the locker room. - oh? - yeah, yeah but after that he was alright. - we're going to the show tonight caroline. i'll be by and pick you up about 7:30. - anything you say peachy. but i gotta meet you outside. my father will be home. - okay doll. - uh, i think i better get going home now. - oh we were just going. caroline and i are going shopping. - we'd better get the check. - that's okay. i'll take care of everything. - see you tonight peachy. - sure doll. - i'm glad you didn't get sick after the game wally.

- we better go alma. goodbye eddie, i'll see ya tonight. goodbye wally. - goodbye. - bye. - well, how about it wally, am i livin or am i livin? - yeah, that caroline she's a cute girl alright. - and you see the way i got her wrapped around my little finger? i'm telling you. - here's your check sonny. - yeah, uh wally can you give me the loan of 70 cents? - [wally] yeah i guess so. - what's the matter? aren't you gonna give her a tip? - thanks. - i guess you know now i'm going steady huh? - yeah sure i do, but don't forget

- well, where have you been since school let out? - i was over at larry mondello's. his big sister's taking a course in navigation over at the high school. - oh, why would she do that? the mondello's don't have a boat. - i know, but larry's mother is making her go. she said it's her last chance to meet a man. - oh. have you seen your brother? - yeah, i saw him over on vanderbush avenue. - he wasn't with girls was he? - no, he and some of the guys from the basketball team were standing around hitting each other on the arm. - well that doesn't sound very nice. - gee mom, i can't wait till i'm old enough to do it. - why didn't wally come home with you? - he has to pick up some pictures at the drug store. - oh. beaver. - yes mom? - beaver you won't grow up on me too fast, will you? - gee mom, once i get going guess

- yes, i think those pictures came in this morning. i'll get 'em for you. - thank you mr. newton. - caroline i saw you at the movies with him saturday night. - well sure you did, but freddie pryor's been grounded. his father won't let him out of the house for two weeks. so what am i supposed to do? sit around and mope? - [alma] you mean you really don't like eddie at all? - he's telling all the kids at school you're going steady. - that's a laugh. isn't that just like that conceited creep? peachy, calls me every night. i never heard such corn. it's all i can do to keep from laughing. - well, here you are. that'll be a dollar and a quarter. will that be all? - yeah.

that caroline girl really called eddie a creep? - she sure did. she and all the other girls were laughing about it. - well heck wally, girls are rats. they're even rats in sunday school. - what do you mean they're rats in sunday school? - take this girl i read about in the bible. she met this real neat guy and she cut off his hair. and then she turned him over to these bad guys and they dragged him away, and they stuck out his eyes. and they were mean to her too. - oh yeah, that was samson and delilah. - yeah, and if girls are rats in the bible how do you expect them to be in person? - yeah i guess so. - hey wally, are you gonna call eddie up and tell him about the girl calling him creep and all that? - of course not, you can't do that. - gee, why not? you've called him worse than that lots of times. - look beaver, if a guy calls a guy something, that's okay. but if a girl calls a guy the same thing, well that's a million times worse.

dirty, smelly, rotten old apple and i just screamed at her. - oh yeah, that's cause you're not old enough to appreciate girls. - but gee wally, if they're so mean to you how do you appreciate 'em? - look beaver, i just explained guys to ya. i'm not gonna explain girls too. - what are you thinking about? - oh nothing. - you can't just be thinking about nothing. - dear, i've had a hard day today and if i wanna sit here and think about nothing, i think i'm entitled to it. - alright, go ahead. keep your old secrets. don't tell me what you're thinking about. - june dear, i uh... oh hi wally, what's on your mind? - i wanted to talk to ya dad, but if you guys are arguing i'll come back later.

- what'd you want? - well uh, could i talk to you dad, in the den? - well what's the matter with in here? - well um, there's nobody else in the den. - wally, if you wanna talk to your father alone, you don't have to be so subtle. - why don't you go on inside. i'll be right there. - you see? - what do you mean, you see? - well i asked you to talk to wally about going steady. and now i'll bet you he wants to talk to you about a girl. - nonsense, the most important thing in that boy's life right now is basketball. well son, what's on your mind? - dad, i'd like to talk to you about a girl. - oh. yeah well uh, sit down.

- yeah i uh, i've heard something about that. you're not thinking along the same line yourself, are you? - gee no dad, i've been spending every afternoon in the gymnasium working on my hook shot. - good boy. well, what's all this about eddie? - well, you think you can kinda, well i know you're not an old guy or anything, but do you think that you could try to remember when you were young? - i'll try wally. - well suppose you had this friend like eddie. and uh, he liked this certain girl. and he thought this girl was crazy about him. and all of a sudden you heard this girl laughing and calling him a creep. what would you do? - well there's only two things you can do. you can either ignore it or you can go to eddie and tell him what's going on. - well yeah dad, i knew there was two things i could do, but i don't know which of the two i should do. - oh. well i think if you're sure of

but i'd make it as painless as possible. - yeah, i figured that's what i'd have to do. but i thought maybe you'd read some kind of book or something that kind of told ya how to do this sort of stuff. - no son, i'm afraid there aren't any books like that. - okay, well thanks a lot dad. i'll let you know what happens. - fine, and uh, keep working on that hook shot. - sure dad. - well? - oh. well eddie haskell has a girl and wally has found out that she thinks eddie is a creep. so wally has to tell eddie. - good heavens. ward when we were wally's age did we ever get ourselves involved in complicated problems like this? - of course not. we were too busy playing miniature golf.

- look wally, what's so important that i had to walk you home from school? - i'll tell ya in a minute eddie. - boy, when i told caroline i couldn't see her after school it really shook her up. she kind of laughed it off. you know, the poor girl had to to keep from balling. man this is really corny. you and your grubby little brother. i gotta get some pictures of caroline for my room. you know, when a guy's going steady he's really gotta-- - look eddie uh, why don't you just turn it off for a minute and sit down huh? - sure. sure, what's up doc? - well look eddie uh, i've been a friend of yours for a long time right? so if i level with ya, you're not gonna get sore on me are ya? - me get get sore? don't be silly sam. what's the matter? i got briar patch legs or something? - no, now look eddie, it's about caroline. her real boyfriend's freddy pryor. she's just been giving you the business.

i heard her talking to her girlfriends in the drug store. they were saying you were corny and a conceited creep and laughing about you and everything. - you're kidding? what is there about me a girl could laugh at? - i don't know eddie, but they were laughing. - boy, i get the picture now. i never thought my best friend would pull a dirty trick like this. - look eddie, i was only trying to help. - sure you were. you made up all that stuff about caroline so you could move in on her yourself. let me tell you something you rat. nobody's gonna bust me up with my girl when i'm going steady. and you try anything like this again and i'll sock you right in the mouth. - look eddie, you're not gonna sock anybody in the mouth. - oh yeah. - yeah! - okay, okay. - now look, i was only trying to tell-- - i don't need you to tell me anything! and you're a crummy basketball player too. - hello eddie, you on your way home?

(door slams) - well ward, i thought it was one of the children slamming the door. - it was, eddie haskell. he's uh, never coming back. - what do you suppose happened? - i'm not sure, but i think wally's been the victim of some bad advice. - who's? - unfortunately mine. (audience laughing) - hi wally. - what do you mean "hi wally"? don't you have anything to say? - uh, eddie sure was mad, wasn't he? - come on, get up. how long you been under there? - since i heard you and eddie coming up the stairs. - boy, how could you be so sneaky. you knew that was private stuff between me and eddie. - gee wally, what's the use of being

- boy. - well anyway, if eddie had of punched you i would of come from under the bed and started kicking him or something. - you know beaver, i'm so mixed up right now. i'm too tired to yell at ya. - you're a good basketball player. - you know ward, i think it's a shame that wally and eddie had to have a fight after all these years. all wally did was tell him the truth about caroline. - yeah, well socrates told the truth and they poisoned him. diogenes went around looking for the truth and wound up living in a barrel. so at least our wally is in good company. - you think that he and eddie will ever be friends again? - i don't know. you get into a fight over a girl and it can get pretty messy. (ward chuckling) - when did you ever get in a fight over a girl? - well i don't mean that i necessarily did.

- the way you were smiling, i don't think you read it in books. - dear, you've washed that plate twice. - oh. well i don't think we'll be seeing eddie around here anymore. i just can't imagine him admitting that he was wrong and wally was right. - that's going to be a little awkward though, wally and eddie not being friends. - why do you say that? - well who will we have to blame wally's mistakes on? - hi kid. - hello eddie. hi, i'm leeza gibons with an amazing story about how philips lifeline gives betty white peace of mind and gave my father a second chance at life. daddy is invincible. that's how we want to think about our parents. knowing that dad lives alone, we worry. that's why was so hard for all of us when he had his heart attack. i wasn't feeling well that day. the heart attack hit me, i fell to the floor,

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- what are you doing?

- how come you're yanking the leaves off? - i don't wanna hurt the bugs. - oh. you seen wally? - sure i seen wally. he's my brother. hey eddie, what are you doing over here? i thought you were sore at wally for telling you about the girl and everything. - how do you know so much about it? - i was under the bed. - well i knew he was telling the truth about caroline. - you did? then how come you got so sore and said you're gonna punch him and everything? - well, i had to talk like that. wally's my best friend and i didn't want him to think other people think i'm a creep. i wanted him to think i'm a good guy. - gee eddie, people call me a creep all the time and it doesn't bother me a bit. - that's cause you're not old enough to be a real creep. - yeah, i guess so. hey eddie, how come you're being nice to me.

- well, you're wally's brother and i thought maybe you could tell me how to make up with him. you know, tell him i'm sorry and all that. - why should i do that? you're always mean to me. - it'd be a real big favor beaver. - well i guess i could. i don't think it'd hurt me being nice to you just this once. - thanks squirt. - eddie help me get the bugs off the leaves. - yeah, i guess so, but only cause you got me over a barrel. - sure eddie, sure.

starring, barbara billingsley, hugh beaumont, tony dow, and jerry mathers

- hi, mom. - [june] hi there, beaver. - where's wally? wally! hey wally! - beaver, wally isn't home yet. - oh, i got something i want to show him. (frog croaking) - oh, beaver! beaver, that's a frog. come on, get that off my bread board. - i got it from whitey whitney. he thought it was dead and he was only gonna charge me two sticks of gum. but while we were talking it over, it started it wiggling so he raised it to four. where's wally i wanna show it to him. he likes frogs and stuff. - oh beaver, i don't know. you know, wally's growing up. he's got other things on his mind. - mom, would you get me a glass of milk, my hands are all froggy. - alright. - what other things does wally have on his mind, mom? - well, the future. - oh, like what he's gonna do tomorrow. - not quite.

when he's really grown up. and when he's a man. - gee mom, it's hard to think of a man walking around, he'd be me. - you know something, beaver. one of these days you're gonna be all grown up, and you're gonna have a wife and a family all your own. - i will? - of course you will. - boy, it sure is creepy the way it works, isn't it mom? (audience laughter) where's wally anyway, mom? - down at school talking to mr. haller. - the principal? how do you know? - because mr. haller called up, and wanted your father to go down too. - principal sent for dad? oh boy, wally must've really done it this time. - why do you say that? - well, when you're a little bad, they just send you to the principal's office. and then when you're a little bit badder, they give you a note for your father. when the principal sends for your father,

well you just talked about wally's future? - that's right, but it's a pretty important topic. - didn't mr. haller ball you out or give you extra study hall or something? - no, we just had a nice talk. - boy, i never heard of a principal wasting a half hour just to have a nice talk. - beaver, i thought you liked your principal, mrs. raburn. - yeah, but i think she's been in the principal business so long, she doesn't get a kick out of being mean to kids anymore. - beaver, no teacher gets a kick out of being "mean" to kids. - yeah dad, i guess it just seems that way when you're a kid. - wally, what did you decide in your talk with mr. haller? - well, nothing definite. we talked about colleges. you know mom, it's no cinch to get in to one. - butch boyd in my class is going into the army. - how come? - because you don't have to take any exams, alls you have to do is be healthy.

we talked some about career too. now wally's very good in math and physics. so maybe he'll go in for science. - i think i'll be a sheriff. - well all dumb kids say that. - they do not, i'm the only one. - beaver, can't you be quiet for just a couple of minutes? we're having a serious discussion. - yes, sir. mom, may i be excused? - why, are you through? - no, but i think i'll go some place else where i don't have to be so serious. - but you eat your dessert first. - yes, sir. (whimsical music) - beaver, would you cut it out? look beaver, i'm trying to do my homework. why don't you go somewhere and do something? - i am doing something,

(audience laughter) - hi, fellas. - hi, dad. - [beaver] hi dad. - how's the history coming? - pretty good, dad. there's just one thing, i don't understand though. was napoleon a liberator or a dictator? - [ward] well, he was both. first, he'd liberate people, then he'd dictate to them. - boy, he sure had it made. would you tell him cut it out? - beaver, i want you to stop that. - yes, sir. - why aren't you doing your homework, like your brother? - i did my homework for tomorrow, dad. - well, why don't you study for the next day's work? - gee, what if i did that, and i'd died before tomorrow? look at all the time i've wasted. - you know, beaver, i'm afraid you have the wrong attitude. and if you don't start buckling down,

one of these days you're going to come up against a test or something, and find out you're way behind the rest of the class. and you're going to be a very sorry young man. - yes, sir. (audience laughter) i'm sorry, dad. it just got away from me. - you know june, i'm a little worried about the beaver's attitude toward his schoolwork. he has absolutely no sense of responsibility about it. - well ward, he's just a little boy. - he may be a little boy now. but it won't be very many years, before he's face-to-face with a college entrance exam. - well i just can't picture our beaver going off to princeton in a pair of faded blue jeans with a frog in his pocket. - i'm serious about this, june. he's at least old enough to begin to develop some good study habits. and to give some thought as to what

- oh ward, when you were beaver's age did you tell your father what you were going to be? - no, my father told me what i was going to be. - well you're not going to do that to the beaver. - well of course not. but in my day, it was enough if you amounted to something by the time you were 21. today, with child psychology and little league baseball, a kid has to start amounting to something by the time he's eleven. - my mother always wanted me to marry a nice successful man who would be good and kind to look after me. funny the way mothers dream about their children, isn't it? - now, before the bell rings, i have an announcement to make. your regular teacher miss landers will be back in a day or two. and in the meantime, i'm not gonna give you any arithmetic homework. tomorrow, we're going to have a test. we're going to have what is called an intelligence test.

penny? - i do, it's a test to see how smart you are. - oh, mr. whitney? - or how dumb you are. - like in a spelling test, you see how smart you are in spelling. but in an intelligence test, you see how smart you are in everything. - or how dumb you are. - well, not exactly. let's say that an intelligence test, measures your capacity to learn. shows us what your interests are. (bell ringing) ah, we'll talk more about it tomorrow. class dismissed. (curious music) - i bet you i get a 100 in the intelligence test. - is that the kind of test where they stick needles in you?

- how they do that? - what's the matter, beaver? didn't you take one last year? - no, i think i was home with scalatina. - what's that? - it's a rash. - i took a test once where you put funny-looking blocks together and you have to make them fit. that's to see if you can be an engineer. - i've seen a lot of trains, and i never saw an engineer playing with blocks. - i don't like taking a test from the principal. what happens if you flunk it tomorrow? - they send you to dumb school, that's what they do. they got a whole big building full of dumb kids. they give you chocolate milk at recess, and don't let you go to college. - gee, i wouldn't want to go to dumb school and drink chocolate milk. - me neither. - you're already in the dumb reading group. - i am not. i'm just in the second reading group. - well, that's dumber than the smart reading group. - yeah, but it's not as dumb as the dumb reading group. - boy, wait 'til they measure your brain tomorrow.

(taunting sound) - you're not worried about the test, are you beaver? - of course not. are you gonna pass it, whitey? - sure i'm gonna pass it. miss landers says i'm the smartest boy in the class. - yeah, that's right. - whitey, how'd you get that way? - i don't know, i've been smart ever since i can remember. - hey wally, did you take one of those intelligence tests? shopping for an suv? well, this is the time. and your ford dealer is the place, to get 0% financing for 60 months on a ford suv. that's right. just announced. ford explorer...edge...escape... and expedition... are available with 0% financing for 60 months. ford suvs. designed to help you be unstoppable. no wonder ford is america's best selling brand. but hurry, 0% financing for 60 months on ford suvs is a limited time offer.

- well sure, lots of 'em. - what kind of stuff will they ask me? - well, they might show you a picture of a whole bunch of houses. and then you gotta pick the one that doesn't have a chimney on it. - why would they do that? - why beaver, if you can't tell a house that has a chimney you shouldn't even be walking around. - what else will they ask me? - well, they might ask you, if you saw a little girl on the street crying, what would you do?

- beaver, you're supposed to say that you'd ask he if she was lost, and then take her to a policeman. - yeah, i guess i could say that. even if i wouldn't do it. (audience laughter) - beaver, you better snap out of it, or you're gonna goof up that intelligence test. - well, if i ended up in dumb school and couldn't go to college. i guess dad would be pretty mad at me, huh? - well sure he would. he took out a whole insurance policy just to send you to college. and heck, if you double-cross him, he's liable to kill you. - girls have got it lucky, don't they mom? - why do you say that? - well, they don't have to be smart, they don't have to get jobs or anything. all they got to do is get married. - beaver, being smart isn't exactly a drawback to marriage. - well if they don't married, they can become dressmakers or cut people's nails in a barbershop,

- well beaver, today girls can be doctors and lawyers too, you know. they're just as ambitious as boys are. - you mean there's no dumb people left in the world, mom? - beaver, is there something bothering you? - well kind of, mom. we have an intelligence test tomorrow in school. and i don't know if i'm gonna pass it. - oh beaver. beaver of course you will. your father did very well in school. and i got good grades. you have a grandfather that was a professor. why, he was considered practically a genius. - yeah, it's nice having all that smart stuff in the family, mom. i just hope it didn't all get worn out before it came to me. (audience laughter) author of the declaration of independence and apostle of the agrarian democracy.

president of the declaration of independence and the apostle of the "angorian" democracy. (peaceful music) nile, great river of africa, flows 4,150 miles from its "ultimam" headstream, the "kija" the nile, 4,150 miles long and it's head is in the stream of-- - beaver, what in the world are you doing down here, son, it's after 11 o'clock. - studying. - studying? - yes, sir. i'm having an intelligence test tomorrow.

by reading the whole encyclopedia. - well beaver, you can't study for an intelligence test. it's a test to measure your natural ability. - you mean i went and read all this junk for nothing? - it's never a waste to learn things. but, look son. you're a bright, intelligent boy. now, i'm sure you've got absolutely nothing to worry about. - yeah, i guess so, dad. i wish i was as sure as you are that i'm a bright, intelligent boy. - come on, let's go on up to bed. - hey mom, has the bus already picked up the beaver? - oh no, he wanted to get to school early today, so your father drove him down. - yeah, i guess he wanted to get there early, so he'd have more time to worry about his intelligence test. - wally, it is all so silly. he should be glad to take it. the modern intelligence test they give today, can determine a great deal about a person.

- comparatively new. - boy you were lucky, mom. - now why do you say i was lucky? - well on the account of i guess when you went to high school, they hadn't invented intelligence yet. (audience laughter) - bye, wally. - bye mom.

(bell ringing) - alright class, pass your papers forward. class dismissed. - i was the first one to finish, mrs. raburn. - i noticed that, penny. - i had two falses left over, will that count against me? - well, we'll see, whitey. - the nile river is 4,150 miles long. - wow, that wasn't in the test. - yeah, but i just wanted to let you know i knew it. - oh fine, theodore, fine.

or the triangle couldn't fit in the circle? - heck no, i said the circle could fit in the triangle. - boy, harry, you'll get killed for that answer. - i wished they would've asked me what i did if i found a little girl that was lost. i was ready for that one. - it was easy, i did the whole test with just half my brain. - i hope it wasn't the dumb half. (audience laughter) boy, beaver, having too many answers leftover, i hope i don't get sent to that dumb school. - yeah, me too. i hope she can read my paper, towards the end i kinda ran out of spit. (cheery music) - hi, dear. - hi. well, how was the day? - ward, why do you always ask me that when you come home? - i don't know, i thought you were supposed to. - well, beaver's principal, mrs. raburn called a little while ago.

- no, she had the results of the iq test. she wanted to let me know that beaver did very well. he's in the top 10 of his class. - oh, good for him. - she said she wasn't surprised. but nevertheless, she was very pleased. - yes well, i'm not surprised either. i always knew he was smart. wonder where the boys get it from? - well i had an uncle who was a judge, and a grandfather who was almost a genius. - have you told him yet? - no, he's upstairs, i thought i'd save that pleasure for you. - thanks, dear. hi, beaver. - oh hi, dad. - what are you doing? - well i was just thinking about the future. - the future? - yeah, i was wishing i was an old man around eighty years old. if i didn't amount to anything, there'd be no one around to yell at me. - well i think you're going to amount to something, beaver. mrs. raburn just called. - she did?

- oh boy. - you're in the top 10 in your class. - you mean i got a high iq like wally? - that's right. - wow, and i won't have to go to dumb school. and i can go to college and have a career. boy i'm sure glad i said the circle could fit in the triangle, could've gone the other way just as easy. so long, dad. - where are you going? - outside to play. - hold on now, wait a minute. what about your homework? - gee dad, a guy in the top 10, can do homework anytime. - well you may be in the top 10 as far as your intelligence is concerned. but you're not in the top 10 as far as your grades go. - well, i'm kinda in the middle. - that's exactly what bothers me, beaver. look son, all i want is for you to just live up to your potential. but, you've got a high iq, so we're going to expect much better grades

- gee dad, now that you know i got a high iq, you're gonna yell at me more? - i'm not gonna yell at you. but now i know you have the ability, if you don't make the most of it, i'm certainly going to be very much disappointed. look, you've got almost an hour before dinner. why don't you get started on that homework. - boy dad, sure is funny, isn't it? - what's funny? - yesterday i was worried because i wouldn't pass the test. and now i got worries because i passed it.

- what's the trouble? - nothing. sure is a nice day out, dad. - yes, it is. - i bet all the kids are over at whitey's playing before supper. - why don't you go over and join them? - well i can't, i gotta finish the last of the mohicans for school. - oh. - you know, dad, watching indians on television is alright. but reading about them is rotten. they do a lot more talking than they do fighting. (audience laughter) dad, would you be real mad at me if i got a b in the mohicans? - not if you did the best you could. - i'll try and do better. - well that's fine, beaver. - you see, beav. in school, if you're satisfied with just getting by. you develop a lot of lazy habits that you'll really regret later on. - yeah, i guess so dad.

- i don't know. i guess we'll have to decide that when the time comes. - i hope it's one of those neat colleges like i see in the movies where everybody's always singing and having a good time. - well beaver, let me tell you one of the hard facts of life. - there just aren't any colleges like that anywhere in the world. - yeah, i didn't think any teacher would get up and sing lessons to his class. even if it was bing crosby. (audience laughter)

good morning, sweetheart. mm. [ smooches ] good morning, sweetheart. it doesn't matter. how about soft-boiled? we're r or maybe over easy. d is something bothering you?

intuition. well, as a matter of fact, there is. the question is, should i or shouldn't i? my intuition could use a few more facts. should you or shouldn't you what? endora: how sweet! mr. and mrs. america at breakfast. [ ding! ] what? am i intruding? only in the sense that you're butting in. aren't we the terrible tiger this morning? mother, dear... hmm? ...why don't you go and play... with the child oh, that's a delicious idea! tabitha, adam! grandmama is here. [ ding! ] what's happened to her? she's turned into mary poppins. sweetheart, don't ask questions.

so, the minute i heard we got the gotham account, i started blue-skying some ideas on my own. endora: i'm called little buttercup, dear, little buttercup though i could never tell why but still i'm called buttercup poor, little buttercup blue -- blue-skying some ideas on my own, figuring that larry would offer me the account and i'd be that much ahead. well, i've been waiting and waiting. the question is, do i keep waiting, or do i just barge into his office and demand that he give it to me? aaah then buy of your buttercup, dear, little buttercup sailors should never be shy well, um, my -- my advice is to wait. and my advice to you is don't wait. find out what your mother is up to. i have a feeling if she's singing now, we'll be crying later. all right. i'll check it out and call you later.

aaah then buy of your buttercup, dear, little buttercup sailors should never be shy so, buy of your buttercup mother! [ ding! ] what's it all about, mother? how should i know? i'm not a philosopher. oh, this room, it's lovely... mother. ...the colors, the fabrics, and the nice rugs! oh, it's all you. mother, what are you up to? your mother just wants to sit down and have a nice cup of tea... [ ding! ] ...with her little girl. sweet. [ ding! ] and deliver this very special message by very special delivery -- that's me. uh-oh. "samantha, you are ordered to appear "at the witches' convocation in salem, massachusetts,

"passes between jupiter and pluto "and ending when the high priestess hepzibah "so wills it. signed, endora, lord high chairman." lord high chairman? i was appointed by her serene majesty, hepzibah. i am not going to any witches' convention, and please send my regrets. if i do, you may regret it more than you realize. [ knock on come in. morning, larry. i figured it's time we had a talk about the gotham account. aren't rubber plantations in south africa -- and to think it all started with fried chicken. makes you want to cry. it makes me want to talk about who's gonna handle the account. of course, by all means.

what's your feeling? my feeling is i want to handle the gotham account myself. surely you jest. i've laid out some preliminary concepts. darrin, you're overworked as it is. not wh with as much prestige as gotham industries. darrin, listen to the old silver fox. every team has a coach who calls the signals, and i'm it for this team. when the i give you the ball -- not before. larry, i want the account, and i'm not interested in a raise or a bonus. a raise is out of the question. i simply cannot afford -- did you say no raise? no raise, no bonus. darrin, you got the ball. the pay is the same, but i don't care. the prestige involved in representing gotham industries is like representing -- oh, i don't know.

hey, what are you trying to do? i'm trying to help you celebrate. well, then, you have it. well, just a sip. [ coughs ] sam! i was thirsty. okay. out with it. well -- let me help get you started. it has something to do with your mother and why she was all sugar and no spice this morning. only indirectly. i mean, if we're going to be perfectly fai she may be lord high chairman, but she still has to take orders from the high priestess hepzibah. i'm not sure i want to hear the rest of it.

they've got to be kidding. well, of course, i said no. so that's why she put on the miss-goody-two-shoes act. oh, i'd like to give her a piece of my mind. [ ding! ] make it a small piece. you hav mother, this is a private discussion. i am sure that darrin can do without your interruptions and your insults. how can you let this mortal mistake alienate you from your grand and glorious heritage? some heritage bigot! what is that supposed to mean? it means a man who is prejudiced against those who do not think or behave as he does. you're so right, endora. i don't like the way you think. and as for your behavior, you've sent mother-in-law-hood back 100 years. i've had it with you, endora.

enough! i admit that i failed to find your true character. you're not noble enough to be a horse. that's cute. you're too stubborn to be a mule. that's nice. and you don't have nearly the sense of humor of a monkey. oh, she's a riot. what you really are... mother! ...is a toad. [ ding! ] [ croaks ] oh! [ ding! ] mother! mother, you put darrin back the way you found him! of course, dear, when he comes to his senses. but that may -- [ croaking ] oh, you poor thing. are you comfortable, sweetheart? all right, mother. you win. i'll go to salem. now undo your thing.

there. you're as good as new. well, then, how come i've got this hankering for flies? darrin, don't kid around. i just wanted you to know that i have a sense of humor -- even about being turned into a toad. i just hope larry about my asking for a vacation. vacation? well, you didn't think i'd let you go to salem alone? well, no. no, of course not. but you said that you just talked larry into giving you that account. i'll handle larry. don't you worry about it.

[ knock on door ] come in. good morning.

and afternoon and evening. at lunch, you have a meeting with gotham's public-relations people. in the afternoon -- larry, can i just say -- oh, you don't have to thank me. you deserve it. well, maybe i don't deserve it as much as ferguson and carmichael. there's no ro so take off your halo and get to work. well, let me put it another way. i could use a little vacation. come july, you'll have one. i mean, i'd be tired in july. i'm tired right now. what are you trying to tell me? i'm trying to tell you that i haven't had a vacation in four years. i don't care if you haven't had a vacation in 400 years. yesterday, you practically bludgeoned me to give you the gotham account, and now you want to blow town? the word is outrageous. i'm only suggesting a postponement of two or three weeks.

wait a minute. i've got an idea. gotham has executive offices in every major capital of the world -- london, paris, rome, copenhagen. i could send you around the world and call it research in depth. that's not exactly what we had in mind. they also have offices in turkey, spain, australia -- what sam and i had in mind was salem, massachusetts. salem, massachusetts?! endora: that' [ ding! ] why don't we hop over to paris this afternoon? i am not speaking to you, mother. now you changed my husband into a toad. but i turned him back. don't i get poin oh. you've become much too sensitive about derwood. i think separate vacations will be healthy for the both of you.

when you go to salem. when darrin and i go to salem. 10, 9, 8... what are you doing? it's called a countdown. depending on the atmospheric continuum, then you should reach the council just about... [ rumbling ] ...now. ohh! [ ding! ] [ gasps ] hepzibah's coming! who is hepzibah? darrin, that's like asking who is julius caesar. well, i'm emperor in this castle, so just cool it. darrin, listen to me. she's a very powerful woman. a-and she can be, well, y-you know, kind of weird. that doesn't bother me.

well, my mother is an angel compared to her. [ rumbling ] [ thunder crashing ] [ fanfare ] [ ding! ] [ "hail to the chief" playing ] welcome to our humble abode, your majesty. we are touched by your poverty. well, uh, begging your grace's pardon, but we ar may i present my husband, darrin? you may advance to our presence. firm. turn. we would estimate 17 hands high -- not a bad specimen for a mortal.

we are not amused. no jokes, sweetheart. samantha. y-yes, ma'am? you will explain to us the meaning of your behavior. well, i don't see why there we are not confused! we are appalled! how dare you suggest a heretic attend the holy councils?! you've got it all wrong. wrong, you say?! we are never wrong about anything. what he meant to say was that he samantha. yes, ma'am? we have always had a soft spot in our royal heart for you. because of this, we have sometimes looked the other way when your behavior has been less than witchlike. with all due respect, your grace, i will go to salem

we are v for your own protection, i suggest you disappear for the time being. [ ding! ] darrin: sam, where are you? here. where here? well, just a minute, sweetheart. do you see me now? where are you going? maybe i can't be seen, but believe me, i'm going to be heard. just be careful, sweetheart. don't wor uh-oh. endora! [ ding! ] oh, benevolent all oh, mother of us all. mother of us all?! we are not her mother! you are, and a fine mess you've made of it, we must say. you promised us this marriage would not last.

i sent him back in time. i turned him into an old toad, a middle-aged goat, a baby python. and he withstood the pressure? he loves my daughter. perhaps there is more to the lad than meets the eye. retire. [ ding! ] [ dog i thought i sent you to your room. now let's get something straight, hepzibah. this is my home, and you're an unwelcome guest. however, if you behave in a respectable manner, i'm willing to tolerate your presence. sweetheart, if you love me, you'll -- silence! let us hear what he has to say, samantha. through the years, hepzibah, i've taken a lot of guff from you witches, but there is a limit, and believe me, we've reached it. if i give in on this, i'll be surrendering the right to express myself in my own house.

should be seen as well as heard. [ ding! ] thank you, hepzibah. i've had my say. uh, your majesty, you must admit that darrin is a mortal with a great deal of courage. he is a mortal with a great big mouth. and it is going to get him into great big trouble. but he does love you, samantha, and anyone who loves you that much can't be all bad. there must be some little quality, some basic attraction. however, we have considered the matter, and in our supreme benevolence, we have decided to withhold decision

of witch to commoner, it requires a great deal of study. so, as overburdened as we are with affairs of state, we will reside in this house for one week to observe this most unusual union. now you may say thank you. thank you. samantha. our home is honored by your presence. now, that's good manners. [ barking ] ooh, caesar and cleopatra are ready for their din-din. they prefer zebra meat. you pay your car insurance premium like clockwork. month after month. year after year.

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i think hepzibah takes sugar with her tea. good. i hope she g that goes straight through to her sick brain. darrin, if you have to blow your stack, will you do it a bit more quietly? zebra meat. i'm sorr but the supermarket was all out of it. well, caesar and cleopatra will just have to develop a taste for leg of lamb. but that's our dinner. we'll go out for dinner. and for breakfast and for sleeping. i'm not gonna let her turn my house into a laboratory with me as the prized guinea pig. sweetheart, there's nothing we can do about it, so you might as well relax and -- enjoy it? [ sighs ] tolerate it. tolerate her telling me whether our marriage will be dissolved or not? sweetheart, when you married me, you married some of my problems. well, one of them just moved in. so, uh, let's just make the best of it, okay? okay. here.

oh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. well, you don't expect us to live in a hovel, do you? sam. well... the fate of samantha's marriage hangs in the balance until hepzibah makes her royal decision next week on "bewitched." -- captions by vita there, how's that? tighter. darrin, if i tied it any tighter, you'd pass out. i want to pas it's the merciful thing to do. i just resent having to wear a dinner jacket to eat dinner in my own house just to please a so-called empress. if it'll make you feel any better, she won't be pleased. [ british accent ] she'd rather you wear tails... and she is an empress and high priestess of all witches and warlocks. that still doesn't give her the right to barge into our house

she'll change it back when she leaves. sweetheart, try to understand. redecorating makes her feel...more at home. where does she live, the taj mahal? boy, some nerve. "i, hepzibah, will reside in this house for one week "to decide whether or not this first and only mixed marriage of witch to mortal should be dissolved." blech! sam, is this all worth it? i mean, wouldn't it be easier if we agreed you'd go to the witches convention by your wouldn't that satisfy her? it would not satisfy me. if i have to go to salem to that dumb witches convention, i want you to come with me. mommy? where did you get that outfit? her majesty. she said a young lady should dress properly for dinner. [ gong sounds ]

ex-queen samantha, her daughter, tabitha... and mortal. well, come. come. din din is getting cold. who are they? our servants, of course. we never travel anywhere without our servants. well, you can tell your trumpeter that i have a name and a title -- darrin stephens, master of this house. not while we live here! and for not remembering your place, you get... [ ding! ] one demerit. young man, wh are over with that other demerit, you will be dissolved. dissolved?

everything looks yummy.

what is it pickled eye of newt. over there's hummingbird tongue parmesan. and here is kidney of iguana bourguignon in oil. well, to be perfectly honest, your highness, these... [ clears throat ] ...goodies are a little exotic for my system. ridiculous. p t\ of elephant tail is no more exotic than blueberry pie. uh, darrin's not too crazy about blueberry pie either. this is ethnic food. by refusing to share it with us, you are insulting an entire ethnic group. [ ding! ] what do you say to that? how about the eight ball in the side pocket?

[ doorbell rings ] i'll get it. hi, sam. i'm sorry to barge in at dinnertime, but i had to drop these papers off for darrin, and you're having a costume party. and you didn't invite me. [ chuckles ] uh, no, no, larry. we're just entertaining and aunt of mine who insists we dress up. excuse me. when, uh... did you redecorate? redecorate? we didn't. it's my aunt's. she's very, very wealthy, and, uh, a little strange. a lot strange.

samantha, bring whoever it is into our presence. i'd better go. i'll call you later, darrin. oh, no, no. larry, please, just -- just meet her. your majesty, may i present my business associate mr. tate. do i curtsey? a bow will do. nicely d9 with this one. thank you, your highness. i'm available for knighthood. [ laughing ] he's a bit of a ding-a-ling. uh, darrin, i'm sorry to barge in on this little dinner party of yours, but i had to talk to you before we meet with hitchcock in the morning. sit down and join us.

postlethwait. certainly looks delicious. don't bother, postlethwait. i'm full. as you were. thank you. mmm. mmm. it is delicious. i mean, really delicious. i never tasted anything like it. what is it? it's a secret family recipe. i can taste the parmesan, but i can't make out -- the hummingbird tongue. we have but never amusing. [ chuckling ] tabitha, are you enjoying your hummingbird tongue? i lik the pickled... eye of newt. [ laughs ] listen -- i hate to eat and run, but -- run. run. louise is waiting. i'll see you in the morning.

and don't get up, i think i can find my way out. [ door opens, closes ] i don't know how much longer i can take it. don't worry, sweetheart. just a few more days and it'll all be over. the way i'm... [ pops tongue ] ...piling up demerits, it could be all over today. i better get along. hepzibah: where?! [ ding! ] to work. that interests us. what is "work"? that's a very good question, your majesty, and samantha is just the person to explain it. see you later, honey. by your leave. what is work? well, that's what mortals do from 9:00 to 5:00. you will explain while we have our breakfast. [ ding! ]

naughty, naughty. [ ding! ] once over lightly. r-r-repeat -- what is work? well, in darrin's case, it's advertising. after breakfast, you will take us to his workshop. oh, uh, but i-i couldn't take us there. i-i mean, he's very busy. if we have time to watch him, then he will make time to be watched. but i couldn't possibly leave the house. i d [ ding! ] you do now.

morning. it's almost noon. i know. i had a great night's sleep. one hour from 10:00 this morning to 11:00. did i eat hummingbird tongue last night or didn't i? larry, will you please forget last night. hitchcock will be here any minute. let's go over the presentation. [ ding! ] samantha: hello. we didn't have a chance to call. aunt hepzibah wanted to come and see where you work. carry l-look, uh, y-your majesty, we're really very busy. good. then we shall observe busy-ness. sam, would you please try to explain to her highness that we're expecting a very important client. [ telephone buzzes ]

hitchcock is here. tell him to wait. send him in. i've got a great idea, your majesty. why don't you visit the united nations? you could meet a lot of kings and presidents. send him in! send him in. uh, look, your majesty, mr. hitchcock is a very busy man, and busy men are sometimes very brusque and impatient. he might say something to insult you. we hope not, for his sake. oh, good to see you, mr. hitchcock. tate. mr. hitchcock. stephens. oh, uh, may i present my wife, samantha. how do you do? and her aunt hepzibah visiting from out of town. ladies. i've got exactly 25 minutes before we go to lunch, stephens. shall we get on with it? larry: uh, yes, let's get on with it. in the conference room. that won't be necessary.

[ chuckles nervously ] well... well, my aunt i-- was rather interested in studying the world of business. perhaps it's not my place to say this, madame, but... [ tinkles ] [ ding! ] you're a most attractive woman. and i cannot imagine you being interested in anything as dull as business. how very gallant, mr. hitchcock. ernest -- please, i beg you. well, shall we get started, mr. hitchcock? there are ladies present, tate. let's chat awhile, hmm? so, you're from out of town? where, may i ask, my dear? oh, she's lived all over. yes, mr. hitchcock, if you'll take a look at the presentation. as soon as i can take my eyes off this lovely and incredibly be we are pleased with this man.

well, the feeling is mutual. per delighted. the thing is, i only made a reservation at pavillon for you and darrin. they're booked solid. how fortunate for us, hepzibah. we shall dine alone, then. come along. we'll see you after lunch. your majesty. have you ever been to crete? not for centuries. what... what... what happened? [ barking ] how could you do it, sam? how could you do it? w-well, i-i didn't have any choice. i mean, if mr. hitchcock had said one rude word to hepzibah -- and he was about to -- well, she would have zapped him into an aardvark or something. [ barking ] hepzibah: we are home! [ ding! ]

some mortals are not without charm. sweetheart! had you but an ounce of ernest's exquisite taste, you well, if we're playing the truth game, let me te for raising your voice to us... [ ding! ] another demerit. "another demerit!" "another demerit!" i might as well go for the jackpot. i want you out of my house and your puppy dogs and your servants. out! you may be the almighty of all witches, but to me, you're an almighty pain in the -- darrin! h-h-he -- he a-apologizes, your majesty. apo you have used up your demerits. [ ding! ] and our patience.

but -- but -- go to your room! [ ding! ] [ ding! ] "the marriage will be dissolved at midnight." boy, some nerve. i mean, how can she dissolve our marriage? how? i'd just like to know how. she could turn you into an ex-husband. how? i'd just like to know how. by dissolving you. now i know how. hepzibah: [ giggles ] darrin: mr. hitchcock. this is a p oh, please forgive me for dropping in unannounced, but i she isn't it sweet? she samantha. ah, salem is beautiful this time of the year. ernest, we are touched by your devotion,

i'll be staying at the hawthorne hotel, and you? we will be... ... good night, beautiful creature. good night. goodbye. mr. hitchcock. darrin: bye. mortals can sometimes be endearing. they can grow on one. perhaps we have been too rash. perhaps we should study the species a while longer before passing any major decisions. the dissolvement of the marriage is cancelled. oh, thank you, your majesty. a-and darrin can come to salem?

you mean -- you mean ernest is one of us?! and darrin stephens may come to salem. touch\, my dear. but remember this -- there is a vast difference between playing with a mortal and marrying it. with all due respect, your majesty,

prepare the ancestral grounds for our arrival. awa [ ding! ] you, too, caesar and cleopatra. [ barking ] [ ding! ] your majesty, if your arm isn't too tired from waving, we'd c having the house back the way it was. [ ding! ] ugh. well, we will be on our way. take care of our samantha. we're warning you! [ ding! ] hepzibah will be watching. [ ding! ] terrific. how could she know my mother gave us that? [ doorbell rings ] larry? sam. darrin. forgive me for dropping in unannounced,

and i just dropped by to -- what happened to your redecorating? well, aunt hepzibah turned out to be an indian giver. when she left, she took windsor castle with her. so we just brought the other stuff down from the attic. oh. darrin, how did you manage it? well, we, uh, we got a couple of moving men and -- i mean, into going to salem with you? oh, that. i'd rather not talk about it, larry. then you tell me, sam. the genius is so modest. well, all -- all right. the genius said to himself, "what would larry do i-if he were in my place?" good, good. and when he saw mr. hitchcock making eyes at hepzibah, well... yeah, yeah? ....he decided to play matchmaker. you son of a gun. [ laughing ]

well, it, uh, it broke when we were moving things back. it's easily replaced. oh. well, i-i better run. i'm late for bye-bye. [ sighs ] "hepzibah will be watching." [ tinkles ] oh, just one more thing -- if you need me in salem to help with hitchcock, feel free. oh, th-- yeah. [ chuckles ] the vase? what happened? well... i told you it was easily replaced.

[ laughs ] just one mor what about the spell on hitchcock? oh, i'll fix that... after we get back from salem. -- well, this time tomorrow, you and major healey will be strolling down the via veneto at rome. hm, yes, sir. i'm looking forward to it. i want you and major healey to remember that this vacation is strictly for r and r. rest and relaxation. [chuckles] i, uh, don't want you to be lonely over there. this is a letter of introduction. oh. thank you very much, sir. it's to my aunt. she's lived in italy for 50 years. oh. uh, she's a lot of fun. oh. good, good, good. thanks very much. i'll-- i'll see you in two weeks. fine. bon voyage. [door opens]

i can't believe it. two whole weeks without major nelson. hm. ha-ha. "caution, do not close." i see. master, darling. oh. hi, jeannie. hm. i am ready. what are you doing? i told you to stay home and wait for me. oh, i could not wait, master. i am so excited. two whole weeks in rome. ho-ho. i can hardly wait to see michelangelo again. yeah. but if anybody discovers you're here, both you and i, we're gonna have to move in with michelangelo. now, you go home and-- and start packing. oh. we are all packed. we-- for two weeks in rome, you're packed in that? well, you said you wanted to travel light.