this associate thing on hold for a while.

i mean, you're older, you're wiser. you should've seen right through him. - but daddy just worked with him. think about what you did with him.

[phone ringing] i'll get it! look what i have for us: some popcorn. ellen, say hi to sparkle beach barbie.

emilily, you do know that in the real world women don't look like this. you don't think my barbie's pretty? i think there are different types of pretty. that's not the only type. i mean, say hello to bookstore manager barbie. that's ken. i know it's ken. it's just that the point is is that, you know, these clothes would look fine on sparkle beach barbie or anybody, for that matter. i actually have these pants. yes, she's very pretty. [telephone rings] i'll get it. hello. hey, ed. yes, they're sound asleep. i'll put 'em to bed in a half hour. yeah, they had their vegetables. uh-huh. candy corn is a vegetable, right? yes, i think i'm very funny. ok. you and sarah have fun.

ellen, how come you didn't go out tonight like mommy and daddy? because i wanted to stay here with you two. no, really. why? well, uh, 'cause i just--i like staying in and--and relaxing. you don't always have to go out to have fun. besides, it's a weeknight. not everybody goes out on weeknights. you want to watch tv? yeah! yeah! all right. [crowd] 4...3...2...1... happy new year! ladies and gentlemen, jan arden. you know i'm close , i'll keep my promises i'll always be there when you talk to me ahh i'll always hear you, yeah

captioning performed by the national captioning institute, inc. public performance of captions prohibited without permission of national captioning institute hey, joe. cup of coffee. oh. shh shh shh. not so loud. hung over from new year's eve. it's january 2nd, joe. in that case, i got a drinkin' problem. hello, friends! hello, 1997!

when i said i would see you next year? well, it's next year! audrey, could you take the treble down just a little bit? hey, joe, you still up for coming over to paige's with me tonight? ooh. my dance card's empty. uh, actually, audrey, it's kind of a guy thing. i'm just keepin' spence company while he apartment-sits for paige. she went up to canada. apparently bob saget's way over budget. he's gone out of his mind directing elevator iii. he's $500 over budget, and the people at lifetime are not happy with him. hey, ellen. uh, remember a couple of days ago when i said i would see you next year? we went through this yesterday, audrey. ellen, i really wish you'd gone to that new year's eve party with me. well, i'm glad i stayed home. i hate new year's eve. there's so much pressure. you have to go to a big party. you have to kiss some stranger at midnight. so you sneak out at 11:30. on your way home, you stop at the safeway to pick up some cereal and light bulbs. there you are standing in the checkout line. the next thing you know, it's midnight,

it happened to a friend of mine. you know, ellen, i wish you had gone to the party with me, 'cause you could remind me where i parked my van. oh, you traded it to nicholas cage for his oscar, which, by the way, he wants back. oh. happy new year, everybody. audrey: hello, mr. b. ellen: happy new year, ed. you're probably wondering what's wrapped around the old wrists. no. thanks for asking. they're 10-pound weights. got 'em on my ankles, too. yep, that's my new year's resolution. figured i was getting a little out of shape, and i thought, well, i don't have time to work out while i'm working... or do i? uh, mr. b, how very perspicacious of you. that means having or showing penetrating mental discernment. that's super, audrey. it's my new year's resolution to expand my vocabulary by one new word each day. my new year's resolution

i don't know if anybody's concerned about this old canadian, but i've resolved to take my job less seriously. [telephone rings] the old joe would have been all over that. i'll get it. hello. welcome to buy the book. it's nicholas cage! i got that oscar fair and square. well, i made a little resolution of my own. you know, the other night, when i was putting ed's kids to bed at 9:30-- 12:30 eastern standard time-- i thought that was 8:30. let's not quibble. i'm telling a story, ed. anyway, i saw this news story about this 80-year-old woman who, for her new year's resolution, decided to jump out of an airplane, and she did it. i should mention that she was wearing a parachute, otherwise the story would just be tragic. but anyway, i took a look at myself, and i realized, ellen morgan's life is boring. finally, someone besides me is saying these words!

this year, i am gonna do things that i have never done before. you're gonna skydive? no, i'm not gonna skydive! you're missing my point. i'm not some senile old woman with a death wish. i'm gonna do things that i've always wanted to do, but i've never had the courage to do. so i am going to dinner at la petit lapin...alone. ooh, going to a french restaurant all by yourself. boy, that's pretty brave. we could have used more people like you in grenada. ok, joke if you will, ed, but i've passed the place millions of times. i've always wanted to go in, but i've been intimidated, 'cause i didn't have anybody to go with. and now i'm gonna go, alone. well, i am impressed with your temerity. stop being so rebarbative. it means irritating. i have last year's calendar. [gypsy violin plays] oh! hi. i'm so excited to be here.

you know, i've done some research. it means "the little bunny." normally, i'd be intimidated to come to someplace like this, but i made a new year's resolution-- do you have reservation? yes. uh, morgan, ellen. ah, oui, madame. morgan, party of 7. right this way. no. no, no, no. no. it's, uh, morgan, party of one. it says 7. oh, i see what you did. you made the old-fashioned one, which, uh, could look like a 7 with a little jaunty hat on it. if you don't get the hat jaunty enough, then it just looks like a 7, but, no, it's the one. it's still morgan, party of one. well, i have a table for morgan, party of...7. you're like a french poodle with a bone, aren't ya. i'm sure you can just squeeze me in somewhere. i mean, i'm sure you've served a party of one before.

you know, if you're not careful, you could damage the celebrated french reputation for politeness. i'll see what i can do. [snaps loudly] can i get you a cocktail? oh, no, thank you. designated driver. if you give me a cocktail, i'll end up wrestling myself in the parking lot for my keys later on. it's a...a jok this way, morgan. party of...one.

the rest was dirty. i just, um... yep. this is fine. thank you. wow. paige's kitchen is great. is this stuff new? yeah. apparently it's important for someone who never cooks to maintain a state-of-the-art kitchen. this is gonna be your swingin' bachelor pad for the next 3 weeks. this is gonna be sweet! yeah, daddy. whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! ahh! so you wanna bake some cookies? yeah. hi. if you could just bring some-- oh. i'll take a rose. just because i'm alone doesn't mean i don't enjoy flowers. keep the change.

les crepes citrouilles aux truffes... for one. ooh! ahh! that's what you do when you get food here. go away. shoo. scat! go! allez. all right! leave me alone! enough! what's his problem, huh? he's the boss' brother. he's got a plate in his head.

you've got gum, sewing kit, lotion, perfume... all you need is a slurpee machine in here, you got your own 7-eleven. boy, it doesn't get much better than this, huh? i sure hope it does. so is this your only bathroom, or do you franchise? you had an argument with your boyfriend, didn't you? what makes you say that? because every time some lady has an argument with her boyfriend, she comes in here, pretends to be interested in the bathroom. oh, can you imagine that? no. um, i'm here alone. that's my new year's resolution. decided to live more dangerously, do things i wouldn't normally do. so you came to a romantic restaurant alone? yeah. why not? i mean, the food's good. the atmosphere's great. why can't i come here and have the time of my life? so are ya? no. i'm miserable. it's so romantic. it's just couples, and they're just gazing into each other's eyes. it's so lovey-dovey.

you think i'm crazy? honey, i don't pass judgment. i just hand out towels. i see that look in your eye. you're just dyin' to give me some pearl of wisdom. you mean, like, "keep on truckin'"? that's a good one. i think that's very underappreciated, that slogan. you think it was a stupid resolution? no, but it seems to me it'd be a lot easier doing something on your own if you weren't the only one doin' it. good point. yeah. i don't belong here. this fancy restaurant, it's just so... snobby, and, oh, the people. this one woman, you should see her. when i came in, she's in some kind of black, mermaid-type dress. i don't know how she can even walk. her breasts just-- obviously implants. i accidentally bumped into her, and it was like that. [thump]

"no. look at me." "no. look at me." [toilet flushes] and if you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all. i'm gonna go get her for you. you keep playing, i'll poke ya. i swear. [snap] oh, i didn't order this. chocolate souffle, courtesy of the house. oh, well, thank the house for me. thank you. ooh. mmm. mmm-mmm. mmmm! oh...ow. [crack] i'm not--i'm not darcy. you idiots! you've got the wrong person.

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just for requesting a quote. here you go, ma'am. here's your decaf cappuccino. oh, i'm sorry. i wanted regular. oh, no problem. i'll just make you another. [imitating a cappuccino machine] joseph! please don't be so fallacious! deceitful. meaning to conceal. y'know, the old joe would have been annoyed by that? that's one thing the old joe and the new joe have in common. ooh! bonjour, mon ami! how was la petit lapin? isn't the violinist romantic? he's got a plate in his head. the great ones always do. actually, it didn't really pan out so much, you know? but it's like the bathroom attendant said. the fancy restaurant wasn't the right place for me to start. i should go someplace that i don't feel so uncomfortable being alone. so you're gonna live your life according to what a bathroom attendant tells you.

that is some profound advice. i think you may have been touched by an angel. so what are you gonna do now? well, i have revised my new year's resolution, and i'm taking a class. ooh! yep. i went to the learning attic, and i picked up a brochure, and i've narrowed it down to 2 things: "how to make a car out of tin cans and empty egg cartons." but that's bad for my cholesterol, so it's, "beginning pottery." the year of living dangerously continues. hey, ed. how's your resolution coming along? oh, really good. i added some more weight this morning, and i can't even feel it. oh, here you go, ma'am. let me get those for you. mmm. ok. so yesterday's cookies were completely charred, but i am feeling really good about this pizza. yeah, well, you know, dessert's more of a chick thing. but pizza... it's a guy thing. definitely, definitely. so we got cheese. what else are we gonna put in this baby?

ok, we've got... uh, peppers, olives, chutney, and maraschino cherries. ah. now we got a pizza. [telephone rings] i'll get it. luigi's pizzeria. paige: hey. it's me. hey. how's it goin', paige? how's the movie goin'? you got bob saget back on budget? no. it's really weird. every time i try to find him, he's just on his way out. oh, bob... hi. hi, paige. hold on one second. um, listen, i was wondering if we could maybe, uh, powwow for a sec after i finish this call. you know, i'd love to, but i gotta go talk to keanu reeves. we're about to do that scene where the elevator explodes. the guy wants to know his motivation. i gotta run, all right? sorry. so you didn't show him that video i made of you, huh? spence, that is not the kind of video you show bob saget. that's not what the guys at the hospital said.

i-i'm gonna have to call you back. what do you say? chinese? sounds good to me. look at me makin' pottery. i cannot believe this! i am makin' pottery! just 20 minutes ago, this was one big blob of clay, and now it's a blob of clay with a hole in it. you're a quick study, ellen. i hope, at least, you're just havin' fun. oh, am i havin' fun. and you know why? because i am by myself. and i'm really having a good time being by myself, havin' fun, alone, just by myself alone. that's the kind of attitude that'll... make you a lotta pots. yeah. get a little creative and make somethin' a little special. wow. this is so amazing. it's so easy to do this.

here, here, here. whoa, whoa, whoa. try it like this. don't force it. just become friends with the clay. oh, ok. well, the clay and i are friends. we're fine. it's the wheel that's giving me attitude. my name's guy. what's yours? girl. ok. thanks. i think i got it. thank you. hold on. now let the clay speak to you. ok? what's it sayin'? well, i think it's saying, "2 hands good, 4 hands bad." ok. nice meeting you, guy. girl. yeah. [wheel motor humming] oh... my love my darling

a long long time and time goes by so slowly and time can do so much are you still mine? i need your love so-- get away from-- what are you doing?! thank you very much. this is very bad. paige spent weeks picking out these appliances. she loved the fact that they all matched.

oh...here ya go. oh, no. i'm not the, uh, the--thank you. keep on truckin'. where were you? on my break. most people go to the bathroom. i go anywhere but. boy, you think it's hard getting a reservation in this place. try gettin' in here when you just want to use the restroom. so what are you doing here? oh, i brought you something. it's, uh... it's a tip jar. it's...kinda started out as a bowl and then a vase and then a bowl and then some clay flew off, and so bowl-vase, bowl-vase and then, voila. did i mention i made it? thanks. here ya go. so...how are things going? well, after the restaurant fiasco, i took a pottery class,

so now i'm toying with the idea of maybe scuba diving or even needlepoint. what do you think? i think you're too busy trying to keep busy. have you stopped to think about that? no. i'm too busy. i just want my life to be different. i want it to be exciting. i want it to mean something. honey, it does. listen, i got 3 kids, and let me tell you what i tell them. when you've finally stopped runnin' around, chasing after your own tail, that's when you'll see that big bone you've been lookin' for the whole time. all right, that's not what i tell my kids. that's what i tell my dog, but...you get my point. i get your point. that is so true, except for the bone part. i'm a vegetarian, so... wow. you know what? you may find this hard to believe, but i'm in therapy. and, um... i pay $75 an hour. i've been spending 5 minutes with you, and i got more out of that, for just a dollar.

i've got some dreams i want to talk to you about. so i had this dream where i'm, uh, a zebra,

doing th captioning made possible by walt disney television, abc, inc., paige'll never know the difference. my friend, we are out of the woods. captioning performed by the national captioning institute, inc. public performance of captions prohibited without permission of national captioning institute the key fits, and i am stepping into my new home.

a homeowner. ellen, why do you think i'm so happy right now? because of your 7% commission? oh, you're wicked. partially. no. because it makes me so happy to match a client with the house of her dreams. now for my scrapbook. let me get a picture of you in your beautiful new house. ok. let me-- by the--by the window... with my gorgeous view of... kids playing on my lawn. get--get off my lawn! get-- get away from here! get out! get off my land! oh. you know where we can do it, too? the wood-burning fireplace with the easy gaslight starter, huh? anywhere you want, as long as it's not in front of that hideous wall. what's so hideous about this wall? i mean, sure it's a little bit plain, but nothing a new '97 calendar can't spruce up. you should see the one i have right now. the month--

they're sticking out of a golf bag. and you know what they're thinking? "what did we do to get ourselves into this mess?" oh, ellen, i'd be-- i'd be lying if laughed at your little joke. why? well, you used to laugh at my jokes before i bought the house. now, see, you're still thinking like a renter. ellen, you own this house. you can change anything you want. and i plan on making drastic changes. this, for instance, this area will be a roller rink. then in the kitchen, there'll be a concession stand. and the bathroom will be where you rent the skates. ellen, no, i'm serious. what is it that you have always wanted? my own saturday morning cartoon? you know what i've always wanted? what? a nook. a nook. oh, i've made love in roddy mcdowall's nook. this is so perfect for a nook. it would be a great nook, that area.

oh, no. well, of course you can't afford it, ellen. that's what being a homeowner is all about. really? mm-hmm. ok, well, then, let's do it. bring on the wrecking ball! ellen morgan is getting a nook! [rustling] hey! get! get away from there! get out of there! [both shouting] ladies and gentlemen, aaron neville and i will now sing a duet. captioning made possible by walt disney television, abc, inc., [high-pitched] you know i'm close, i keep my promises captioning performed by the national captioning institute, inc. i'll always listen when you talk to me i'll always hear you [deep voice] yeah yeah

? come on, guys, help me out here. please. you know, i want to do something nice for paige. 'cause you burned down her kitchen? no, because i love her. and because i burned down her kitchen. spencer, nothing says "i'm sorry i ruined your appliances" quite like new appliances. yeah, well, nothing says "sorry, sir, you can't afford new appliances" quite like my credit rating. what you need is something inexpensive yet personal that says "i love you." [gasps] like a hummel figurine? they're precious, but i was thinking more along the lines of a tattoo. let's not dismiss the hummel idea out of hand, 'cause...

i'd go with the skull with the worm dangling out of the eye socket. of course, i'm a romantic. yeah, well, i don't think people over 65 should rollerblade! hi, ellen. how'd it go? did you get your permit for your little reading nook? no. 9-month wait. those nook-hating bastards. ellen, my friend madeline's pretty well-connected. when she says jump, boys down at city hall say, "how high, and can i get you a cup of coffee while i'm up?" hello, madeline. joe. ellen, not to worry. my daddy says you can always get around these things by using an unlicensed contractor with inferior materials. ok, that'll be plan "b." ok. well, thanks, madeline. bye. she says no problem. it's done. just call her, and she'll fax them to you tomorrow. really? yeah. well, thank you very much, and thank mad-- hello, madeline. no, i already hung up.

you know, why don't i take you two to dinner tomorrow night-- de la luna? my connections this time. my neighbor's cousin knows the busboy. or how about this? madeline knows the owner. well, that's not gonna help us when we need more bread, is it? and i've seen nooks, and i've seen crannies, but that's a cranny! oh, ellen, it all sounds just divine. oh, well, i have you to thank for it. and e.jo ahh. my sweet joe. i am a lucky woman to have such a wonderful man in my life. mm, i know what you mean. yes, i feel the same. i feel so... lucky to have him at the bookstore-- my sweet...dear... coffee joe. [ring] oh. excuse me. yes? excuse me. i'll just be a moment.

she sure is nice. yup, she sure is. ellen, if you're wondering about me and madeline, the answer is yes. i have a lot of questions. they can't all be yes. really? wow. how long have you been...seeing her? 4 months now. 4 months? why didn't you tell me about this? well, madeline's a little older than i am, and i didn't want to be judged on something so irrelevant as age. joe, who am i to judge anybody on relationships? thank you. and i only hope that one day if i have a slightly odd relationship, you two will not judge me.

anyway, i'm very-- i'm--i'm happy for you. well...thanks. it feels great to finally get this out in the open. i mean... do you have any idea how hard it was for me keeping this a secret, living a lie, scared of what others might think? no. well, now that you know, i guess everybody else can know. why don't we have them all over my place, and they can all meet madeline? everybody? really? yeah. ok. let's do that. i'm terribly sorry. that was the mayor. he wants us to stop by later for cocktails. are you up for that? if we must, we must, but if he pulls out scattergories again, i'm going home. ha ha ha. no, i've got this, madeline. oh, that's very sweet, ellen, but totally unnecessary. i have it. no, but i want to have it. ellen, please, indulge me. ok. quite an arm on you there.

[la cucaracha doorbell rings] mi casa es su casa. joseph, you live like a king! wow. i don't know what i was expecting, but, i mean, like, maybe fast-food wrappers, chicken bones, and empty bottles... like the back of your van. amazing tv. what, is this a 40-inch? actually, a 46-inch. madeline, gave it to me 'cause i'm such a good snuggler. look at this stereo and a laser disc player. uh, yeah, uh, madeline gave me that 'cause i look so good in my silk jammies. audrey: yowzah! what a fabulous master suite! i've never seen a canopy waterbed before. let me guess. birthday gift from madeline? no. just for bein' me. ah, man, what's this, a la-z-boy? oh, this is it. a la-z-boy and a 46-incher. finally, i'm livin' the dream.

no. that's the reason she gave me the fridge in the bedroom. oh, you know what? we better get started eating. madeline said she's gonna be a little late. uh, can i just bring this over to the table, joe? ha ha ha. no. madeline sure does buy you a lot of stuff. yeah, but i--i--i get her stuff, too, like, uh...flowers and a frame, and, uh, yesterday, i gave her a little bottle of lavoris i got in the mail. mmm. nobody does cheese fondue quite like joseph. this is cheese, isn't it? i think i-- you know what? i finally decided on a tattoo. yeah, something very simple, like, you know, "paige, i'm sorry i burned down your kitchen." that's not very romantic. well, i think, you know, tattoos are like... real estate: location, location, location. i mean, sure madeline buys me a lot of stuff, but it's not like i'm a kept man.

ellen, she pays my rent. well, it's not like she's giving you an allowance. oh, joe. well, it's not like she gives it to me. i mean, i earn it. it's on a sliding scale. oh, my god. ellen, i'm an american gigolo. don't be ridiculous, joe. you're canadian. el-ellen, what should i do? well, you're gonna tell her you're gonna stop accepting all these gifts. i mean, it's a question of self-respect. so you don't have a jacuzzi, you don't have a satellite dish, you have to work longer hours at the bookstore to make ends meet, so what? ellen, seriously, what am i gonna do? hey, here are your drinks. i'm tryin' to cut corners 'cause this is gettin' kind of expensive. so you get a 6-up, and you get a "i can't believe it's not cola."

good work. look at all this. what are these, 2 x 4s, 3 x 5s, 8 x 10s, what? i can see my neighbor. oh, boy, i hope he's in the circus. hey, ellen. hey, joe. how do you like my hole? nice. nice. yeah. when it's done, i want you and madeline to come over and-- actually, madeline and i broke up. what? well, last night when she was leavin', she was shovin' mad money into my robe pocket-- it hit me. i'm definitely a kept man. you were right. and i told her what you said. oh. i'm so sorry. was she upset? well, she said if i didn't want her gifts, then i didn't want her, so i gave them all back. oh, poor madeline. poor madeline? i got to come up with next month's rent. ok, guys, hey. we're out of here. well, all righty. have a good lunch. listen, there's a little pizza place around the corner you should try. they have some excellent lasagna and some salad. take your time. we're not coming back.

your, uh, permit's been revoked. you can't leave my home like this. i've got a hole in the--wait. the wrath of madeline. all right, all right, don't panic. i can live with this till my permit comes through.

[special effects] lisa! what took you so long? duracell quantum lasts longer in 99% of devices, [laser blasts] so you can power imagination all day long. [duracell slamtones] madeline, what a surprise! you invited me. oh. that's true. i ordered some wine. i hope you like merlot. ellen, you have got 15 minutes. talk. but not about joe. ok, um, we have a mutual canadian friend. uh, let's call him...moe. and, uh, moe has this friend helen. and helen has a hole in her wall because they took her permit away. now, helen doesn't think it's fair because moe's the one who-- you know what joe said? he said he felt like a kept man.

well, i mean, i-- well, of course i was keeping him. how the hell else can a woman like me hold on to a man like joe? lots of ways. look at you. i'm mean, you're a lovely lady. and one day, this lady will meet a fellow. and i know that it's much more than a hunch. well, yes, but it won't be joe. ellen... do you have any idea what a great lover joe is? no, i don't. um... but i'm sure he's up there with the best of them. let's see what they have for specials. he liked to talk in bed. oh, i just love it when a man does that, don't you? yeah, oh, that's--yeah.

you know what i love, is when they read from the tv guide. that way it's sexy, and i know which programs to watch. well, how about when they want you to be the aggressor? oh, don't you just think that is... divine? yes, i do. i think that, um... yeah. yeah. "ellen the aggressor," they call me. yeah. sometimes i don't even sleep with them. i just make them vacuum my room, and it just drives them wild. oh, ellen, i can't tell you how delightful it is to find someone who loves to discuss sex as much as i do. oh, i can go on and on. you know, first thing tomorrow, i'm gonna have that permit reinstated. oh, it doesn't have to be first thing. brush your teeth. have some breakfast. we should do this again. yeah, we--yeah, we should hang out. well, would you like to go to the ballet with me tomorrow afternoon? tomorrow afternoon? no. my boss has these weird--

well, is your boss a basketball fan? oh, yeah, sure. well, what do you think he'd say to 2 floor seats at the next lakers' game? i think he would say, "have fun at the ballet." so how'd it go with the tattoo? piece of cake. like nothing at all. you know, didn't feel a thing. so let's see it. it's actually really personal, you know? it's an expression of love between paige and me. ok, drop 'em, romeo. i don't see anything. is this like that 3-d magic eye? you didn't get one, did ya? no. so basically we're just staring at your ass.

wait! i think i see it! it's dolphins! i couldn't do it. i was lying there on the table with my pants around my ankles, and i thought of so many different ways to say "paige, forgive me" better than a tattoo. you chickened out. yeah. yeah, i got-- got her a watch. hey, good morning. can i have some coffee? ooh, nice coat. oh, thanks. madeline gave it to me. what? madeline happens to be good friends with donna karan, and there was an extra one laying around the showroom floor, so they gave it to me, ok? don't give me that look. uh-huh. ellen, what happened to your fingernails? they're not chewed down to the nub. it's called a manicure, audrey. madeline and i were on rodeo having lunch-- we passed this divine little nail shop, and i couldn't say no. i remember when i used to go to the theater in my new donna karan jacket with my freshly manicured nails.

oh, yes, i did... if i wanted to look in the mirror and see a soul. oh, well, see, i don't think that is gonna happen to me. i'm afraid not. oh, my god. oh, my god. i forgot my earrings.

uld i ke a thaootattoo? all right. ta-ta! ta-ta! oh, rematch with the ralph laurens. there are 2 of them, you know. so you and madeline seem to be hitting it off. oh, the shopping, you mean? well, i needed to pick up a few things. ellen, it's just that we've never seen you dress like this before. i mean, you're so... accessorized. what are you talking about? last summer, remember i had this shirt with the matching hat? el, you were in a softball league. doesn't matter. ellen, face it. you're a kept woman. ooh, this is getting exciting. i am not a kept woman. these are not "gift" gifts. they're just gifts for "thank yous" for being me. where have i heard that before?

she is not buying me tvs and couches and paying my rent because i'm a good snuggler, which i am. i'm just hanging out. i'm spending time with her, because i like her. she's my friend. oh, really? if she's such a good friend and this is such a great friendship, the next time she calls, try saying no, then see how good that friendship is. all right, i will. and i hope you kept the receipts. i'm sure she did. oh, ellen, it is all so beautiful. uhh. thanks for the tour. yeah, oh, sure. there's another one in 15 minutes if you want to stick around. oh, uh, listen, um, ellen, i almost forgot. tonight we're gonna have dinner at morton's, and then we're going over to hear yo-yo ma at shaquille o'neal's house. the limo will pick you up at 7:00. i--i can't make it tonight. i promised, uh, audrey i'd do laundry with her. oh, laundry? oh, so do that another night. oh, i can't. this is, uh, special.

it's a brand-new kind of detergent that's not even on the market yet. you probably won't-- don't go looking for it. it's called out, out, damn spots. ellen, um, look, it's ok to spend some time with your little friends, but, you know, after all, i am offering you something just a bit more exciting. yes, yes, it is. i'm a big shaq fan, and lord knows i love yo-yo, but that's not the point. the point is i have other plans. ellen... i will be very disappointed if you don't come with me tonight. disappointed sad, or disappointed like i'll wake up with a horse's head in my bed? the second one. madeline, i, um... i...i have to break up with you. this is gettin' weird. i mean, i give you my time, and you give me gifts. and not that i don't love the gifts, i do, but that's not what real friendship is all about. oh, really? yeah. i mean, my friends and i, we just hang out all the time. we do nothin'. nobody gives anybody anything. it's great.

you're not an old dog. i was talking about you. what about the gifts? i suppose you're gonna want to return all of them to me, huh? no. no, actually, that's where i think joe went wrong. see, i think that you can hang on to certain mementos from a relationship and not be compromised-- well, yes, you can have that memento because i have the hole. well... good-bye, ellen. good-bye, madeline. hey, well, you don't have to leave just 'cause she tore the thing down. oh, yeah, we do. um... come on, guys. fine. all right... it can't be that hard. 2 x 4s and... nails and a hammer and... really, really big calendar. oh, what a cute lit-- hello, little puppy. cute little, puppy. hello.

very, very lovely daughter. i didn't--

et it. [classical music playing]