i noticed that the nazis in those movies always had two separate heils. they had the regular heil, and then when they were around the offices, they had this casuheil. they come in the office-- yeah, heil, how are you? is the kid back with coffee? finished with the copier? world domination, aryan race-- whose doughnuts are those? heil. nice to see you. can i have a doughnut? well... 'cause i could pay a little at a time... but actually we do -- and my kids would be like, "awesome, mom!" oh!

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it's all departures. i see nothing but departures. do you know where the arrivals are? do you have the time? there's a clock over there. where? over there. but you have a watch on. it's right by the escalator. why not look at your watch? i told you it's right over there! let me see the watch. hey! are you some kind of nut? you know, we're living in a society! george. jerry, jerry. the flight was delayed. how long you been waiting? i just got here. my car broke down. get rid of that piece of junk. 1 mile from the exit, it starts violently shaking like it's having a nervous breakdown. then it stopped dead. so you have no car. so what good are you? this chauffeur's going to be waiting a while.

o'brien's not showing up. he was in chicago. the flight was overbooked. they wouldn't let him on the plane. he kept screaming how he had to get to madison square garden. we should take his limo. wait a second. think about it. he's not showing up. the line for cabs is like 45 minutes long. you said he's in chicago. he's definitely in chicago. well, that guy is just standing there. how would we do it? we just say, "we're o'brien." maybe he knows o'brien. he doesn't know o'brien. if he knew o'brien, he wouldn't have a sign. let's just do it. what if we get caught? what'll happen? they can't kill us. who's going to be o'brien? i'll be o'brien. who am i? you're you. just me? yeah. ok. you don't want to be you?

if you're going to be o'brien, why can't i be somebody? like who? dylan murphy. ok. what? now you want to be dylan murphy? i like dylan. you can be colin. ok. colin o'brien. i'm dylan murphy. i'm colin o'brien. are we really doing this? come on. do you have the time? clock over there. o'brien. yes, sir. sorry we're late. let me take that for you. i'll bring the car around front. thank you. dylan. colin. can you believe this? this is incredible! this is the greatest thing i've ever done. i'm calling my mother. what for? tell her i'm in a limo. hello, ma. it's me. guess where i am.

in the back of a limo. no. nobody died. it's a long story. i can't tell you now. because i can't. i said i can't. if i could, i would. would you stop it! all right, look-- i'm getting off. no, i'm not telling you. i'm never telling you. i don't care. no! fine! never! she happy for you? can he hear us? why? thought i saw him look in the mirror suspiciously. he can't hear us. let's test him. hey, driver! what do you say we pick up your sister, have a little fun back here? no. he can't hear us. where's he dropping us? let's get him to drop us at my house. i'll ask him. my dear fellow, where are you dropping us?

at madison square garden, of course. i have the four passes. of course, the, uh... the four passes. four passes to madison square garden? wait a minute! wait a minute. of course! chicago! the knicks are playing the bulls tonight. what? we are going to the knick game! michael jordan! we're going to the knick game! four free passes! did i tell you? i can't believe it! you made a hit with this one. i see things as they are, and i say no. uh, wait. you see things as they are not, and you say-- wait. uh... you see thi-- you see things as they are? what do you say when you see things? let me call elaine and kramer. if i see things as they are, i would ask why or why not? elaine? it's me. what are you doing tonight?

great. george and i have tickets-- four free passes to the knicks-bulls game at madison square garden. aah! can you go? tell kramer to meet us on the corner at 7:00. all right. we're going to pick you up in a limo. that's right, baby doll. when we pick you up, i'm murphy, and george is o'brien. i can't tell you now. it's a long story. i am serious. ok. ok, bye. driver, we have to make a little stop first. i know. he knows? he knows? where are we going? why are we pulling off here? maybe it's a shortcut. we're going to grand central. there's no traffic. driver, why are we getting off this exit?

to pick up the other members of your party. right. the other members of our party. what other members of our party? i didn't know we were in a party. the jig is up. we never should've started this jig. it was a good jig. it was a terrible, terrible jig. they're going to know you're not o'brien. there could be more than one o'brien who ordered a limo. you don't look like any o'brien. you should've been o'brien. do i still have to be murphy? yes! it makes no sense me being murphy. i'm seinfeld. you're murphy! let's jump out of the car. we're doing 60 miles an hour. we jump and roll. you won't get hurt. who are you, mannix? why are we slowing down? are those the people? pretend you're sleeping.

mr. o'brien. uh, no, i'm dylan murphy. mr. o'brien had a long trip. he's sleeping. oh. [whispering] i don't want to disturb him. we're just really excited to meet him face-to-face finally. we're faithful readers of his newsletter. newsletter? and, of course, his great book-- the big game. yes, he's very proud of his work in the, uh... big game. [snoring] you've never met him before? no. never seen a picture of him? never. not even on the book jacket? there was no picture on the book jacket. hey, o'brien, wake up. we got company. wake up! george: well, hello! i'm o'brien. hey! you took a cab?

yeah. so? how much do you make? i'm not telling you. come on. i'll tell you what i make. i know what you make. i don't know why i'm doing this. i don't even like basketball. you ever see michael jordan? just in those commercials. maybe he'll do one of those 360 dunks. what's that? it's like this. you guard me. what? [cat yawls] we won't make the tip-off. someone's been tipped-off? so, uh... you've read the big game, have you? yes, i read it, and i memorized it. ooh-ooh. well... i'd love to hear what you think the big game. well, this is sort of embarrassing.

but it's changed my life. the way you analyzed the game, the way you identify the major players, well, it left me breathless. you're a brilliant... brilliant man. well, it's... it's just a game. remember that, kids. just a game. he's so humble. don't forget what you wrote in the epilogue. "the fate of the world "depends on the outcome of this... game," hmm? well, i was exaggerating a bit. just for effect. he tends to exaggerate. i mean, it's serious, but... we are really looking forward to your speech tonight. my--my speech. yes. your secretary faxed me the copy. would you like to look it over? well, you might as well look it over. so how did all this happen?

jerry and george called me from this limo, said we're going to the knicks-bulls game. limo? i thought george was picking him up. he did. why would they take a limo from the airport? i don't know. that's pretty strange. he say anything else? yeah. he said, um, it's really important that we call them o'brien and murphy. o'brien? why would he want to be called o'brien? "and the jews... steal our money "through their zionist-occupied government "and use the black man to bring drugs into our oppressed white-minority communities." you're not going to open with that, are you? that's it, kyle. let's go home. [ busch ] all right, guys, let's get out of here. [ pneumatic drills whirring ]

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said so many things. [pop] they're shooting! they're shooting! all right, get down! ohh. i'm ready to die for you. oh, that's-- that's really very nice of you. but, of course, you know i would. i would do anything for you. anything. it was just a flat tire, but rest assured, we're prepared to handle anything that might come up. nice-looking luger. i'm at the paramount, adjacent to madison square garden, where a growing number of angry demonstrators are gathering to protest the public appearance of donald o'brien,

leader of the midwestern regional chapter of the aryan union and reputed to be their most charismatic spokesman. the reclusive mr. o'brien advocates the violent overthrow of the government. he has openly professed a deep admiration of adolf hitler. even david duke denounced him as an extremist. there's a full house inside awaiting his arrival. sources tell me he is in route and should be arriving momentarily. police have set up barricades, but, quite frankly, i don't think they're any match for the emotional fuse that's been lit here. back to you in the studio. something's very strange here. george goes to the airport to pick up jerry. they come back in a limo with tickets to the basketball game and want to be called o'brien and murphy. o'brien--why o'brien? elaine? dan. excuse me a minute. hi, dan. how are you? um, oh. this is, um...kramer. oh. kramer.

what's going on? we're headed down to protest this big neo-nazi rally. the head of the aryan union is in from chicago. you should come. oh, we can't. we're going to the knicks-bulls game. that's where the rally is-- at the paramount. maybe we'll run into you. it's really going to be something. it's the first time he's appeared in public. who? the head of the aryan union. o'brien. jerry: what's takin' them so long out there? see how she looked at me? she's a nazi, george, a nazi. i know. i know. kind of a cute nazi, though. are we going to make a plan? let's make a run for it. i can't run-- bad hamstring. i hurt it in a hotel room. know how they tuck the covers in real tight?

i tried kicking it out and pulled it. why do they make their beds so tight? you got to sleep with your feet like that... it's for a mental patient. wait a minute-- the phone. we'll call the police. 911. she said she'd do anything. yeah, hello. police? uh, listen. we're in the back of a limo in queens-- uh...astro turf! you know who's responsible for that, don't you? the jews! oh, the jews hate grass. they always have. we'll be ready in a minute. would you excuse us? we're in the middle of something. with all due respect, we're just about to leave. tim... who's head of the aryan union, you or me? you are. who is responsible for making hate-mongering and fascism popular again? you are.

ok? i think you forgot something. i'm sorry. good. now get out. what will we do? i don't know. how's this? when we see elaine and kramer, we get out. they can't shoot us in the city. nah. no one's ever been shot in the city. i'm telling you, something's going on. i can feel it, sense it. i'm sure he was just joking around. this is no joke. o'brien's coming in from chicago. jerry's in a limo, says he's o'brien. that's not funny. oh, my god. yes. yes! what? what is it? don't you see? there's always been something very strange about jerry-- always so clean and organized.

so? do i have to spell it out? the limo? the name? the rally? jerry...o'brien... are the same person. jerry is the leader of the aryan union. jerry's a nazi? i can't believe i didn't see it. listen, you idiot, just calm down! i know jerry. he's not a nazi. you don't think so? no. he's just neat. [whistling if i were a rich man] you know, it's funny. you don't look like an o'brien. me? get a load of this guy. and you really don't look like a murphy. i may not look like a murphy, but i act like a murphy. extremely murphy. where are you from? dublin. originally. my parents came over when i was 18. cereal famine.

couldn't get a bowl anywhere. it was bad. [irish accent] 'tis a beautiful country, though. lush rolling hills, and the peat... ahh, the peat. sounds more like scottish. we were right on the border. maybe he's with the company. what? the cia. maybe they placed him in there to infiltrate the organization. what about his comedy act? that's the perfect cover. all that time on the road... jerry's too normal to be a comedian. comedians are sick, neurotic people. well, what about george? he's part of it. his whole personality is a disguise. there's no real person can act the way he does. elaine, i'm telling you, they're with the organization. they're all part of it. he's in there with helms and hunt and liddy. george and jerry probably know who killed kennedy. i bet they were even in on it. what are we going to do?

i'm not going to let them hurt you. kramer, you're hurting me. those are our friends. get off of me! we'll talk to them. pull over. get off of me! get off! hey, o'brien! that's o'brien over there! there's o'brien! no-good nazi bastard! let's get him! get him! get him! what do we do? get in the car! what? what? come on! get in! captioning made possible by columbia tristar domestic television o'brien. long time no see. how's tricks, murphy? why did you call him o'brien and him murphy? he was talking to me. he's cross-eyed. it can be very confusing. [telephone rings] yeah? eva? it's for me. hello?

it's o'brien. o'brien? well, that's weird.

your home and auto policies and save. don't worry, tiny people. flo is a gentle giant. bundle home and auto at progressive.com. who are you? i'm jerry seinfeld. i'm george costanza. this is really a misunderstanding. his car broke down. my car started shaking violently about a mile out. so he picks me up without a car. the limousine has just pulled up. it's being surrounded by a huge crowd of protesters.

i just didn't have anything to do tonight. then the phone rang, and it was jerry. we just wanted a ride into the city. and did i want to go to the basketball game? they're banging on the car, trying to flip it over. the police seem unable to control the crowd. mr. o'brien must be having some very grave doubts if he made the right choice for his first appearance. we do not want to antagonize nazis. we have no intention of upsetting nazis. if you don't bother us, we won't bother you. i don't want to make a nazi unhappy. i swear. i swear. i swear. i swear. i swear. get out! open the door. look! look, it's dan. hi, dan! elaine? hi! come on, let's go. go. i am not o'brien! i am not o'brien! i repeat-- i am not o'brien! jerry! jerry!

captioned by the national captioning institute --www.ncicap.org-- captions copyright 1992 castle rock entertainment public performance of captions prohibited without permission of national captioning institute

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