>>i don't have to listen to you! i wish you were dead! >> don't you ever talk to me like that! >> if you're the mother of a child with behavior problems, i'd like to talk to you. my name is janet lehman, and i'm a behavioral therapist and a mom. i know what it's like when the child that you love becomes a defiant, out-of-control child who disrespects you.

that's why my husband james and i created the total transformation, the program that tens of thousands of moms are now using to turn around their child's behavior. if you've heard about the total transformation and wondered if it will work for you, now you can try it for free. i'm willing to give away a thousand programs today for free. all you need to do is get the program and let us know how it works for you. we'll let you keep it for free. i know the total transformation works, because i used these techniques with my own son and with troubled kids for over 30 years. let me prove to you that it works by giving you the program free. >> man: call the number on your screen now to get the total transformation free. >> you never listen to me! >> is your child's behavior driving you crazy? >> shut up! i hate you! >> don't touch me! >> are they misbehaving and getting into trouble in school? >> you need to come down and pick up connor at school right now! he's in my office, and he's been in another fight! he's completely out of control!

>> go! >> get away! >> do they argue and fight constantly? >> don't! >> first of all, you need to know you're not alone, and second, help is on the way. >> if you have a child or grandchild with any kind of behavior problem or attention deficit disorder, of if you're a single parent trying to cope with a child who is disrespectful or obnoxious towards you, we're gonna introduce you to the man who can show you how to transform your child's behavior and put some peace and sanity back into your home life. >> behavioral therapist james lehman is here to help you get back in control of your family right now with the total transformation program. >> we are at a place right now that i never imagined our family life would be at and that my son is this productive, happy, capable young man. so, i know that there are parents out there probably feeling exactly like i did about four years ago, and i'm just saying that it doesn't have to be like that. >> if i hadn't have met james, there's no doubt i would be

nowhere near as solid as i am right now. i wouldn't have any goals. i was an angry person. i was confused and frustrated, and if i hadn't have met james, there's no doubt i would probably be kicked out of school, kicked out of my house. probably would be having a tough life right now, but james has helped me in so many ways that my life is real strong and steady, and there's no doubt that i'm on my way. >> our guest today understands what makes a child with behavior problems tick, because he was once one of them, and he knows how to turn difficult behavior into good behavior. >> james lehman is a renowned counselor, therapist, and teacher who has worked with children with behavior problems for over 30 years. he's a social worker with a master's degree in social work and the creator of the total transformation program for parents. his credentials are impressive, but it's even more impressive when you hear about the road that james had to travel to get where he is. james, welcome to the show. >> thanks, matthew. it's a pleasure to be here.

>> james, you're one of the most respected child counselors and therapists in the country, and yet as i'm reading your bio, i'm thinking, how did this guy ever get to where he is today? i mean, you really went through the school of hard knocks. >> yeah, i did, matthew. i was born in new york city, and when i was around 2, 2 1/2 years old, my parents abandoned me in a basement, and i was found by the lehmans, and they adopted me, and they were wonderful to me. they really wanted to provide a home for me. but i started having behavior problems as a young kid. i started getting oppositional and defiant. i'd get mouthy. i would be disrespectful. as i got older, my behavior got worse and worse and worse. when i was like 13, 14 years old, i was living on the streets of new york. i got involved with drugs and alcohol, and for many of those years, i was an alcoholic and a drug addict. i wound up doing about 6, 6 1/2 years in prison. finally, a judge sent me to a drug treatment center. they focused on me becoming accountable for my behavior, and that's when my career as a therapist really began. it's a long way from a jail cell to a master's degree in social work. >> absolutely.

>> and i'm only telling you this because i want to give hope to parents. if i can change, anybody can change. if you're sitting out there now, and you've got a 6-year-old or an 8-year-old or a 14-year-old who's having terrible behavior problems, who's not listening and who's not learning, i want to give you some hope. people change, but they have to know how to change, and that's where the total transformation program comes in. look, parents need help. you're not born knowing how to deal with behavior problems. the total transformation program is a step-by-step program that shows you exactly how to change your child's behavior, and it works. it's how i changed my life, and it's how i've been helping kids get back on the right track for over 30 years. >> what do you see as the most common problem in children? >> the most common problem with children is that they can't solve problems, that life's problems come up-- whether that problem is going to your room, whether that problem is talking in the right tone, whether that problem is not hitting your brother or sister, whether that problem is doing your homework, whether that problem is

responding to parental authority-- kids don't know how to solve those problems. most kids solve it by becoming compliant, by accepting limits... >> doing what they're told. >> but there's a group of kids that learn to solve the problem of authority through defiance. they defy the parent, they defy the teacher, they defy authority, and so what tends to happen with those kids is, they look to get their way by being defiant. and they actually train adults and teachers, as they get older, to give in to them. how many little kids do you see that-- you know, be 4 or 5 years old, and the mother will say, "don't do that. he'll throw a temper tantrum." well, that 4-year-old has trained that mother to give in to him, and that 4-year-old, without knowing it, is blackmailing his parents. now, there's a whole school of therapy that says that if kids feel better, they'll act better. and so a lot of the change and a lot of the focus is to get them to feel better. i totally disagree with that. i don't believe you can feel your way to better behavior. i do believe you can behave

your way to better feelings. if you want to feel better about your siblings, you have to treat them nice first. if you want to feel better about your parents, you have to learn to get along with them first. if you want to feel better in school, you've got to do the work there. if you do the work, you'll feel better, but if you don't do the work-- even if somebody helps you feel better for the short time, tomorrow you're going to go back into school, you're not gonna do your schoolwork, you're gonna talk back to a teacher, and you're gonna feel bad all over again. >> when you talk about the difference in therapists... the therapists that we had gone to before would be-- robert would do something, and they'd say, "well, how'd you feel about it?" and james says, "who cares how he feels about it? he's not supposed to do it. these are the consequences for doing those things." and we did it, and, um... it started working. >> when we first met james, my son had been suspended a number of times at school,

and actually even at the young age of 11, they were considering expelling him. right now, today, my son is in the 10th grade. he is a straight "a" student. he's doing things that, really, truly four years ago, i never, i never thought were gonna happen for my son. >> why do these situations get so out of control for parents? what causes situations in the home to explode the way they do? >> there's a lot of reasons for that, matthew. one of the big ones, though, is that parents spend years wishing and waiting for a certain kind of child, their ideal child, the child that they wanted to parent. we all spend our lives wishing and waiting for that ideal child to grow up and be the person that we wanted him to be. >> the child who... >> plays soccer, learns from mistakes, gets along with other people. and what happens then is, when parents don't get that ideal child, all right? they keep acting, they keep parenting that child as if it was the ideal child, hoping it will become the ideal child, and they don't develop the skills they need to deal with the child that they actually have.

>> in other words, they're trying to raise the ideal child, and their child just isn't that. he's the child who bangs the door, he's the child who won't listen, he's the child who's always defiant. >> that's exactly right. you know, they'll see these really out-of-control behaviors, and parents are like deer in a headlight. they don't know what to do, so they'll start screaming and yelling, or they'll start giving in, or they'll start bribing. parents give in because it's so tiring, and it's so annoying, and it's so frustrating. well, this program shows you simpler, easier ways to deal with this problem than giving in so that you can live with yourself as a parent, so that you can say, "i'm not letting this kid violate my home or violate my values." i give them a way in the total transformation program to do something about that so that they can reestablish their values and reestablish order in the home. >> we had to learn how to be good parents to this child. >> yeah, that's the biggest thing, it's that you're not gonna be given this, like, cookie-cutter child.

you can't take those things, those experiences that you had yourself, or that, you know, if you had little brothers or sisters or whatever-- you are dealing with a completely different animal, and i think you have to take a step back, not feel like this is an extension of you and get the ego out of there and learn how to parent this particular child. >> let's talk about the program. it's called total transformation, and this is a program that parents can use right in their own homes. am i right about that, james? >> yes, matthew. it's a step-by-step program, where i show parents how to get their kids to be accountable for their behavior. matthew, from day one, the total transformation program shows you how to explain to the child, in no uncertain terms, this is how you're gonna talk to me, this is how i'm gonna talk to you, this is how we're gonna treat each other, and that's all there's gonna be to it. the arguments stop. >> matthew: wow. >> the debates stop. we just stop that. i'll show you how to stop it.

it's the simplest thing in the world. in the total transformation program, i show you exactly what to do when your kid acts up. i show you exactly what to say. you can sit in your kitchen, and you can listen to this program and learn all you need to know to get your family back on the right track. look, i was a kid with a lot of behavior problems in new york city, and my parents didn't know what to do with me. i developed a program that my parents could've followed to help me. that's how simple that i want it to be. in the total transformation program, if your kid is fighting with you and making your life miserable, i'm gonna show you exactly what to say. i'm gonna show you exactly what to do. i'm gonna show you exactly what not to say. i've been doing this for 30 years, and i've learned a lot about how you communicate with kids. if you use these techniques, you're gonna see progress in your family. if you use these techniques, you're gonna get kids who learn how to respond better, who learn how to listen louder, and who learn how to solve problems on their own without making everybody else miserable. >> i would highly recommend

total transformation to anybody because, you know, from my own experience, my life went from, you know, a living nightmare to a lot of joy and fun in our house. >>i don't have to listen to you! i wish you were dead! >> don't you ever talk to me like that! >> if you're the mother of a child with behavior problems, i'd like to talk to you. my name is janet lehman, and i'm a behavioral therapist and a mom. i know what it's like when the child that you love becomes a defiant, out-of-control child who disrespects you. that's why my husband james and i created the total transformation, the program that tens of thousands of moms are now using to turn around their child's behavior. if you've heard about the total transformation and wondered if it will work for you, now you can try it for free. i'm willing to give away a thousand programs today for free. all you need to do is get the program and let us know how it works for you. we'll let you keep it for free. i know the total transformation

works, because i used these techniques with my own son and with troubled kids for over 30 years. let me prove to you that it works by giving you the program free. >> man: call the number on your screen now to get the total transformation free. >> back when me and my sister used to fight, we'd hate each other and tell this to our friends, and now, me and my sister are, like, we're best friends. we hang out. i give her rides everywhere she needs. we hang out on the weekends. we talk. we don't fight and argue and call each other names. there's no more physical or verbal abuse. we just get along. >> james, what's the biggest mistake parents make when dealing with problem behavior? >> in my opinion, the biggest mistake is parents not drawing the line and saying, "this is not gonna be acceptable, and we're not going any further until we deal with this." look, let's say that you wanted to train a kid to be disrespectful. let's say you wanted to train a kid to be obnoxious. what would you do? well, you'd tell him he had

to do things, and then you'd let him not do it. you'd tell him that he has responsibilities, then you'd do it for him. you'd tell him he had to get up for school, then you'd wake him up five times a day. you'd tell him that he can't talk to you disrespectfully, but then you'd scream at him when he does so that you wind up apologizing, and what a kid would learn from you then is that it's okay to be obnoxious, it's okay to be disrespectful, and without knowing it, that's what parents do-- they train their kids to be disrespectful, they train their kids that it's okay to be obnoxious. i'll tell you something, having a kid with behavior problems is probably the worst thing that you can experience in your life, 'cause you're worried about that kid, you know, and you care about him, and you know that that kid has to become a productive citizen, and you don't see it happening. and on the other hand, he's driving you crazy. it's not only that you worry about his future, you don't know how you're gonna live with him today-- he's driving you nuts. and so, when you have that with the kid, parents start to look at themselves very critically. also, parents look at each other very critically. i think "acting out" kids, "acting out" kids are awful

on a marriage. they bring out the worst in each parent. >> that's true. >> 'cause each parent sits there and says, "well, if you did this differently, he wouldn't act out." and the other parent says, "no, no. if you did this differently, he'd be okay." and they don't look at the obvious problem-- the kid. the parents that i work with find the total transformation program to be a very exciting experience for them, because they stop asking themselves, "what am i doing wrong?" the total transformation program takes that pressure off. it's a very interesting process when parents stop saying, "is this my fault?" or "whose fault is this behavior?" and start saying, "this is my kid's problem. what can i do about it to help him change?" and put the responsibility back on that child. >> i can honestly say that if we had not found james lehman, it's quite possible that my husband and i would be divorced or separated right now. it had gotten to the point where it was almost impossible for me, and i feel like going to see james saved my family,

>> now, what about a.d.d. or a.d.h.d., the hyperactivity disorders, things like that, i mean, they certainly affect behavior, am i right? >> here's the thing. if your kid has a.d.d., you need to the total transformation program even more because it is really critical that your kid learn how to solve problems. if you have a.d.d. or a.d.h.d., the boss at the factory, the college professor, your wife, your own kids, they're going to hold you to the same standards as every other husband, every other father, every other employer. it's just that simple. you have to learn how to meet those standards. you're still gonna have to learn how to behave, yourself. you're still gonna have to learn how to solve problems, you're still gonna have to learn how to be productive. your boss is not gonna say, "oh, poor guy, he's got a.d.d. let's pay him anyway." certainly the judge is not gonna say, "what's your diagnosis, mr. smith? you broke the law," all right? it's not gonna go down that way. you can read up on the literature a whole lot, and what you're gonna see is

a whole lot of theories about why this is happening and very little talk about what to do about it. >> yeah, it's true. >> you can read for weeks and not come across something that says, "tonight, when this kid does this, you do this." but that's what i do for you in the total transformation program. >> it wasn't a matter of a.d.h.d. it wasn't a matter of her focusing ability and things like that. it was just a matter of getting herself under control, learning how to deal with feelings and problem-solving. she couldn't think a problem from one end to the next, and i didn't know that at the time, but i do now, and it's certainly been a breakthrough for us. >> so, as a parent, you have to decide, is that kid gonna control you, or is he gonna learn how to control his own behavior? in the total transformation program, i show you how to teach that kid to control his own behavior. and it's very simple. i wanna stop the fighting in your house. i wanna stop the yelling, i wanna stop the screaming. i'm gonna show you how to stop that stuff and to start

a program where kids are taking more responsibility and solving their own problems appropriately. you're gonna be the person who helps them solve their problem. you're not gonna be the person that takes that problem on your shoulders and then you have to live with it. it's their job to learn how to solve problems. i'm going to show you exactly how to get them to do that. >> if you are having trouble with your children, this is a design for living... with them and with their problems to get results, immediate results. you know, it's not like you have to wait till they're 18 to figure out if it worked or not, you know, if they're gonna go left or if they're gonna go right. this is... you get immediate results. >>i don't have to listen to you! i wish you were dead! >> don't you ever talk to me like that! >> if you're the mother of a child with behavior problems, i'd like to talk to you. my name is janet lehman, and i'm a behavioral therapist and a mom.

i know what it's like when the child that you love becomes a defiant, out-of-control child who disrespects you. that's why my husband james and i created the total transformation, the program that tens of thousands of moms are now using to turn around their child's behavior. if you've heard about the total transformation and wondered if it will work for you, now you can try it for free. i'm willing to give away a thousand programs today for free. all you need to do is get the program and let us know how it works for you. we'll let you keep it for free. i know the total transformation works, because i used these techniques with my own son and with troubled kids for over 30 years. let me prove to you that it works by giving you the program free. >> man: call the number on your screen now to get the total transformation free. >> when i heard the-- the advertisement that was offering, uh, the program for free, provided that you just complete the program and send in your feedback,

i thought, "there's absolutely no reason not to do this." i mean, it-- it was a done deal. >> there's no more yelling. there's no more arguments. >> yep. >> you know, we will have conversations now, um... getting her to do her chores is no longer... a difficult task. she knows what's expected of her, and she does it. curfew is, you know, she meets her curfew now. >> curfew's almost never an issue. >> yeah. there's no more of, uh, her being verbally abusive towards us. >> that has gone totally. >> it's gone. >> i don't think that this is just something that is beneficial for people who are dealing with kids that are totally out of control. i think if you learn these techniques and these skills, it is like a magic pill. it is communicating clearly and effectively... if you start that as a toddler, your child will know you mean

what you say, and that means they can trust you. >> parents are gonna get the total transformation program, they're gonna have it at home, they're gonna start to use it. what should they expect to see as they begin to use the program? i mean, what have you seen in your own practice? >> i'll tell you what parents and families have reported back to me. first the arguing stops. that's the first thing. the yelling and the arguing stops. i teach parents how to just cut that off. you know, parents get into these fights and arguments with kids, and then they wind up holding the bag. we want the kid holding the bag. i show parents how to leave the kid where he's holding the bag. the bag is his dirty laundry. you know, the bag is his unfinished homework. i show parents how to assert themselves with kids, how to set limits on kids, so that it's not the kid dictating to you. i also show parents how to stop the bargaining, to stop the negotiating. you've got these responsibilities, you've got to do them. i'm not gonna negotiate your homework with you. you've gotta do your homework before you play video games. that's it, case closed, or the video games are getting

locked in a closet. it's as simple as pie. and so what happens is, in the total transformation program, i show parents how to stop the arguing and stop the negotiating and bargaining and start focusing on this kid meeting his responsibilities in a way that's going to help him be successful. >> okay, so right away, you're just gonna abolish that whole idea that the parent says, "my child doesn't understand what i'm saying," and, in turn, the child says, "well, my parents don't understand what i'm feeling." >> right away, you're gonna feel like you're in control. and right away, that kid is gonna understand that if he's not in compliance, it's he that's on the outside, not you. >> you're not gonna leave this up to parents' imagination. you're gonna be very specific. when you encounter this type of behavior, you need to do this, you need to say this. >> in the total transformation program, i teach you what to say, i teach you what to do. listen, i teach you when to start and when to stop. >> okay. >> wow. >> i teach you how to walk away and when to walk away. so, this isn't rocket science or a social work psychological theory. these are specific things that i show you what to do.

listen, i'm gonna show you what to do when your kid is disrespectful. i'm gonna show you what to do when your kid doesn't want to do his chores or if your kid doesn't want to do his homework. i'm gonna show you what to say specifically, and i'm gonna show you what to do about that, and it'll all be geared toward getting that kid to take responsibility for himself. we want to stop-- i want to stop the fighting in your house. i want to stop the yelling, i want to stop the screaming. i'm gonna show you how to stop that stuff and to start a program where kids are taking more responsibility and solving their own problems appropriately. you're gonna be the person who helps them solve their problem. you're not gonna be the person that takes that problem on your shoulders and then you have to live with it. it's their job to learn how to solve problems. i'm gonna show you exactly how to get them to do that. you know, the parents that i work with find the total transformation program to be a very exciting experience for them because they stop asking themselves, "what am i doing wrong?" you know, a lot of parents blame themselves or blame each other--

it can have a lot of pressure on a relationship-- or they blame the school, or they blame the friends, and the total transformation program takes that pressure off. it's a very interesting process when parents stop saying, "is this my fault?" or "whose fault is this behavior?" and start saying, "this is my kid's problem. what can i do about it to help him change?" and put the responsibility back on that child. >> james, what do you say to parents out there who are listening, and they're just so frustrated with their kids, but they're afraid to reach out? i mean, they think that this won't work for their particular problem, or they hope their problem will just go away. i mean, why should they call in? >> if you're getting called into school because your child's getting into trouble, do you honestly know what to do to turn that around so he doesn't get thrown out of school? if your kid is fighting with you all the time or fighting with his siblings, do you honestly know what to do, how to stop that? and if you do know how to stop that, why haven't you stopped it already? i mean, those are the questions. in the total transformation program, if your kid is

fighting with you and making your life miserable, i'm gonna show you exactly what to say. i'm gonna show you exactly what to do. m goshow y exactly what not to say. i've been doing this for 30 years, and i've learned a lot about how you communicate with kids. if you use these techniques, you're gonna see progress in your family. if you use these techniques, you're gonna get kids who learn how to respond better, who learn how to listen louder, and who learn how to solve problems on their own without making everybody else miserable. it didn't change when you grounded them. it didn't change when they suspended them from school. it didn't change when you sent him to his room. nothing's gonna change until you make that call and look deeper into this program. >> i would recommend total transformation because it works. it's easy, and why go through all that other trial and error when you know something that works? and i know it works. >>i don't have to listen to you! i wish you were dead! >> don't you ever talk to me like that! >> if you're the mother of

a child with behavior problems, i'd like to talk to you. my name is janet lehman, and i'm a behavioral therapist and a mom. i know what it's like when the child that you love becomes a defiant, out-of-control child who disrespects you. that's why my husband james and i created the total transformation, the program that tens of thousands of moms are now using to turn around their child's behavior. if you've heard about the total transformation and wondered if it will work for you, now you can try it for free. i'm willing to give away a thousand programs today for free. all you need to do is get the program and let us know how it works for you. we'll let you keep it for free. i know the total transformation works, because i used these techniques with my own son and with troubled kids for over 30 years. let me prove to you that it works by giving you the program free. >> man: call the number on your screen now to get the total transformation free. >> if i can change,

anybody can change. if you're sitting out there now, and you've got a 6-year-old or an 8-year-old or a 14-year-old who's having terrible behavior problems, who's not listening and who's not learning, i want to give you some hope. people change, but they have to know how to change, and that's where the total transformation program comes in. >> i would highly recommend total transformation to anybody because, you know, from my own experience, my life went from, you know, a living nightmare to a lot of joy and fun in our house. >> if i hadn't have met james, there's no doubt i would be nowhere near as solid as i am right now. i wouldn't have any goals. i was an angry person. i was confused and frustrated, and if i hadn't have met james, there's no doubt i would probably be kicked out of school, kicked out of my house. probably would be having a tough life right now, but james has helped me in so many ways that my life is real strong and steady, and there's no doubt that i'm on my way. >> it works, and if you're

willing to-- if you care anything about your kids and you want a better life for yourself, an enjoyable life, give it a shot. i mean, you know, it's not gonna hurt you or anything, and if you're having a hard time, it's better than what you're doin'. >> it's a step-by-step approach to change your life. period. instead of being in a constant state of fear and a constant state of panic and never enjoying every moment-- and really, this is your child, and you really need to enjoy those moments because they're... they're gone soon. i mean, my son's 16 now. you know, and thank god i got a little bit of time. the sooner you change, the better off you are.

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