>> unh! >> narrator: welcome to a "whacked out sports" special edition -- "amateur hour." it's a concrete killjoy, as this rollerblader gets an asphalt owie. these guys are having a battle-ax breakdown. plus, pogo punks get some serious air time. foxes who fish. and someone give this guy a key to his office. then our "whacked out sports" top 5. start a fire.

"whacked out sports" is right now. >> aah! >> narrator: hey, concussion connoisseurs, welcome to the show that says ouch to life. >> unh! >> narrator: if you like watching people defy gravity... defy the laws of physics... or just plain defy common sense... [ horn honks ] ...this is the show you open that bag of pork rinds for. now let's light this candle. you've heard of a stairway to heaven? welcome to the bike path to hell. but there's no robert plants just a faceplant and a little classic-rock chin music.

dude seems okay. >> yeah! >> narrator: at least he knows never to try something like that again. oops. forgot. this is "whacked out sports." no one ever learns anything. >> oh, god! >> narrator: he's not laughing this one off. if you've ever heard the term "got the wind knocked out of you" but never knew what it looked like, this is a nice example. >> oh, god! >> narrator: nothing beats a good bmx rail gaffe, but lately, i've become a connoisseur of the after-shock gawk. i just love the way the camera lingers on a fallen hero. when someone hurts himself doing something stupid, it's not just funny, it's real. it's emotionally charged. you know exactly what's going through his mind right now. there's no pretense or b.s. watch how all that changes once he realizes he's being filmed.

busted. not even satan can help you now. and no amount of clowning in a mullet wig... will ever make us forget those inspiring words you delivered on the park steps just a few moments ago. >> [ gasps, groans ] >> narrator: i believe the exact quote was, "u-h-h, oh-h-h-h-h." >> oh, god! now, any amateur hour stunt man will tell you the secret to successful daredevilry is to have a great crew, people you can trust with your life. just ask motocross maven scott sterling... >> ohh! >> narrator: ...or evel knievel wannabe tommy pierson...

or ace pilot rocky benbrook... if he ever wakes up from his coma. that's why thrill junky throttle jockey mike campbell wouldn't put his life on the line without his trusty side man skip hansen. today, mike will be performing his most dangerous stunt ever -- the flaming wheelie of death. taking all the precautions that only a professional stunt side man knows to take, skip expertly prepares the flaming wall of flames. now it's time to go for the flaming wheelie of death... which genius skippy thinks would be more fun as the flaming face of mike. oh, yeah, nothing like a bracing splash of unleaded to make you feel alive...and make you realize your assistant's an idiot. >> aah! >> narrator: but no harm done. even with the gas facial, it was

still a great stunt. congratulations, mike. >> all right, baby. [ engine revs ] >> oh, yes, right in the eyeballs! >> narrator: here you go, buddy. have a victory cigar on me. in-line amateurs divide their lives into "the sucky years before i pulled off a certain sick move"... and "the glorious part after." to you, this probably just looks like a normal detached garage. but for skater nate, it's moby dick. >> unh! >> narrator: if he can just mogul off it one time and stick the landing, he'll be in the club. fear will be his whipping boy. and there will be dancing in the streets. domo not-so-grando mr. headbando.

here goes his first try. >> aah! >> narrator: and there goes his femur. attaboy! listen for the ambulance native american style. his next go-around doesn't go too much better. don't get down on yourself. you're just figuring out all the ways not to do it. okay, now you're heading in the wrong direction. time to shake things up. good idea. inspirational music. get fired up by your favorite jam, then get back out there. there's no chance you can fail now. okay, maybe a 1% chance, but that's cool. >> aah! >> narrator: i mean, you're a human being. you're not some kind of robot.

and now a story of hope. inspired by the exciting shootouts used to end tied hockey games, these four dudes in phoenix had a brainstorm -- "let's skip the ice and skip the hockey game. bust the four square ball out of retirement and let's hold a massive slip 'n slide shootout summit in front of the whole damn cul-de-sac. keep in mind, these aren't crazy skate rats or "x" games orphans or lost snowboard urchins. these are responsible adults with hefty mortgages and male-pattern baldness. in other words, squares. it's not their fault. it's just nature's way. when you're a kid, you think adulthood is going to be different than it really is. you think you're gonna stay up until 2:00 a.m. and have candy for dinner every night. one thing is certain -- their wives are definitely out of town. i'll tell you that right now.

you can't undertake a project this time-consumingly rad without getting preempted by a honey-do list. i guess it comes down to this -- some things are so fun and so cool and so right, they're worth ruining your lawn and risking spine damage for. coming up... welcome to the tour de pain. and bikini-clad girls who like to reel in the big ones. plus, will this french guy be toast? and the "whacked out sports" top 5. that's next on a "whacked out sports" special edition -- "amateur hour."

>> narrator: we're back in a "whacked out sports" special edition -- "amateur hour." you don't need to be young to be an amateur. just check out this middle-aged moto maniac. now, my uncle danny's doctor at the v.a. cleared him to ride

dirt bikes again, so he asked me to guard his meds while he qualifies. look at all these warning labels. this one says, "may cause blurred vision and momentary blackouts." that 40-ouncer he polished off after breakfast probably didn't help, either. let's go to the uncle danny cam. his vision seems okay. even that helicopter he's hallucinating is crystal clear. >> unh! >> narrator: either his narcolepsy is acting up again or maybe he thought he knew a good shortcut. either way, welcome home, "d." let's hear it for the boing. >> hey! >> narrator: pogo sticks have sprung back. they first got popular in the 1920s, had a brief resurgence in the '50s, and, by the looks of things, are currently enjoying a third act. what's next? are kids gonna be doing the charleston in their bomb shelters?

and, of course, pogoers never got this kind of air back in the '50s. in those days, kids actually cared about damaging their packages. it was a simpler time. here's something to think about. if the wheel had never been invented, this is what segway scooters would look like. pretty wild, huh? let's see. what else can i tell you? the word "pogo" comes from the latin "po," as in, um..."not rich," and "go," meaning "to leave." back then, if you were poor, you had to get on the stick and go. and speaking of going, love to stay and watch more, but we better bounce. >> awesome! >> narrator: the tour de france is considered the most painful event an athlete can endure. well, what if you remove the athleticism but upped the agony level? "whacked out sports" is proud to present its newest creation -- the tour de pain!

the first leg begins with a relatively simple miscue -- a muffed curb jump. >> unh! >> narrator: while the grass cushions the impact, many riders drop out of the race right here. as we move on to the second leg, the dreaded handicap-rail wipeout, pain begins to spread to the gluteus maximus area. look at it again. we can see that the pain is concentrated in the right buttock. interestingly, the asymmetrical nature of the one injured buttock and the one healthy buttock has been known to drive riders insane. but by the third leg of the tour de pain, both buttocks become fully involved. hey, look at that. he made brown skid marks on the outside of his pants. and then there's the fourth and final leg -- the triumphal ride down the high-school handrail.

and that's the end of the tour de pain. congratulations to the winner of the yellow body cast. coming up... wouldn't it be easier to take the elevator? and thongs, a garter, and a razor scooter -- just another monday night for these hotel hellions. plus, hotties who like to hook them in. then, the "whacked out sports" top 5. that's next on a "whacked out sports" special edition -- "amateur hour."

ñ7

>> narrator: we're back on a "whacked out sports" special edition -- "amateur hour." ever wonder who's stayed in your hotel room before you? on the off chance it was these knuckleheads, you might want to wipe down every square inch of the place with hand sanitizer just to be on the safe side. but this isn't some gaggle of lazy proto federlines. these guys have a plan. butch is gonna ride that fuzzy razor scooter through the halls of this fancy hotel, and jimbo's gonna film it.

and just to make it interesting, butch will be wearing the thong. why are they doing this? i guess it's like jazz. if you have to ask, you'll never know. >> unh! >> narrator: that is truly disgusting. but it reminds me, i have to pick up some tea bags on the way home. the funny thing is there was a convention of fish-tank gravel salesmen here last week, and some of them did the same exact thing. in most major hotels, such blatant thongery is gonna drive a wedge between you and security. and they're not likely to turn the other cheek. looks like the fun's over, but... they'll always have their memories...if they can even remember what city they're in when they wake up tomorrow. nothing impresses me more than guys who find new and exciting ways to hurt themselves on a motorcycle. and that's just what our south-of-the-border correspondents, the five loco sports hombres, do.

they take a road trip down to buenos aires, and that's where things get surreal and bizarre on two wheels and a sidecar. come on, guys, are you really gonna do what i think you're gonna do with those big sticks? surely, you joust. i hope you're taking notes at home, renaissance faire nerds. this is how you make your ye olde little gatherings cool. get thee to a motorcyclery. uh-oh, now they've mixed in a couple maces into the madness. these ding-a-lings are going absolutely medieval knievel on each other, but they still have time for a little old-fashioned hand-to-hand grappling. ah, the little things mean a lot. i hope i have this much fun when i'm in my 50s. these guys kick major battle-ax. let's slow things down a bit and spend a few tranquil moments on the shores of lake foxy for some

bikini fishing. >> ♪ ow! ♪ >> narrator: something tells me these ladies have no trouble reeling in the big ones. i thought when girls hung out, they went shoe shopping. who knew they were up to cool stuff like this? nice work, heather. that's a keeper. looks like julie's hooked something, too. oh, yeah. that is one sweet, firm, young bass. mmm. before, when i heard the word "heaven," i used to think of clouds and harps and stuff. now i think it might be a lot more like this. all right, my thrill-seeking minions and lovers of all things that bite it big-time, it's time for a special "amateur hour" edition of the... today, the top 5 signs that

you're a whacked out nerd. number 5... the only thing you end up breaking after doing this is the inhaler in your pocket. number 4... you wait a half hour after eating before doing this. number 3... you install a strict "no cutsies" policy in the slip 'n slide line. number 2... you pick up your date on one of these. and the number 1 sign that you're a whacked out nerd, you're actually watching this for the hot fishing action. >> ♪ yah, ha ha ♪ >> narrator: coming up... a peeping tom takes things to new heights. can he get a life? find out. that's next on a "whacked out sports" special edition -- "amateur hour." you're joyriding with "whacked out sports"... >> unh! >> narrator: ...where we "wheelie" believe you'll see the

sickest stunts ever attempted on two wheels... from "bmx-ican" jumping beans... to pure motor-psycho madness. we've got near-fatalities and unchained maladies... broken spokes... and knock-knock jokes. who's there? it's "whacked out sports" -- the most insane sports blooper show ever.

gold bond rough & bumpy skin therapy. used daily, it exfoliates, smoothes, softens. reduces bumps 72 percent. gold bond. ultimate lotion. ultimate skin. >> narrator: we're back in a "whacked out sports" special edition -- "amateur hour." so far, we've delighted in a biker going down... >> oh, god! >> narrator: ...a fuzzy scooter clown... >> unh!

>> unh! >> narrator: ...knights on bikes say olé! and that's what i call the catch of the day.s ] but nothing can prepare you for a segment we like to call... "get a life." this is alain robert, who calls himself the french spider-man. i don't think i've ever had such strong mixed emotions about a clip. see, i love spider-man, but escargot makes me want to hurl. he's climbing a 73-story building in paris without a rope but with a cigarette. one stiff breeze and we'll find out where the robert meets the road. even these waiters take time out from ignoring their customers to take in le spectacle. old pierre parker here has scaled skyscrapers from chicago to abu dhabi and always manages

to escape capture. maybe they should just hit him with a giant, rolled-up newspaper. >> unh! >> narrator: he makes it to the top successfully and... takes a moment to celebrate. but as for his clean criminal record... [ siren beeps ] ...he sacre bleu it! what could possibly make a guy climb up the side of an 850-foot building? [ french accent ] "elevators -- they fill me with ennui. danger! that is my croissant and butter. ever since i am 9 years old and bullies steal my wine money, i want to be -- how you say? -- le superhero." [ cheers and applause ] >> aah! >> narrator: [ normal ] okay. that's gonna wrap up another one. remember, if it can be broken, cracked, whacked, or made to look more painful through the use of slow-mo, i will bring it to you right here 'cause, in

case you haven't noticed... i have no shame. and i love that about me. i am so out of here.

>> speed may very well have no limit. it is fueled by man's insatiable desire for more. while most are intrigued by the notion, some are driven to test its absolute edge. >> i have spent my whole life trying to be fractions of a second faster. >> the passion really starts with your friends, trying to be the fastest guy down. >> for this elite few, the pursuit is governed only by the limits of technology, teamwork, and desire. >> racing is a very dangerous sport.