(clink) if i could just have everybody's attention real quick. um, on this wonderful occasion-- our daughter leaving tomorrow for college... (mitchell) oh. if i could get everyone to raise their glass as i quote from one of our nation's great fathers-- jefferson. george jefferson. "i never dreamed that one of my own "would be going off to a university, "but here i stand, a proud black man, knowing that all those hours i put in at the dry cleaner--" phil. not now, weezie. where was i? quoting that president. okay, if she's the future of america, we should start using chinese money now. (scoffs) we already are. my arm is tired. to haley. to haley! (glasses clink) and before everyone puts their glasses down, uh, uh, we're also very proud of lily. tomorrow is her first day of kindergarten. to lily. (gloria) oh, lily. (phil) to lily. to lily. and you'll be impressed to know that she's gonna be one of the smartest girls there. lily, sweetie, what's the square root of 64? 8. (haley) wow. (jay) hey! nice trick.

hey, lily, what's the square root of this potato? 8. congratulations. you have a parrot. (mouths words) we couldn't even get through the toast to haley before you pulled focus to lily. oh, come on. it's--it's a big day for both of them. huh? haley going to college is a miracle. lily going to kindergarten is the law. well, haley and lily aren't the only ones starting school. my mom and jay are going to parenting class. we're doing it for the baby. not this baby. that baby. manny doesn't believe that we know what we're doing. a couple of new hairs under his arm, and now he thinks he knows more than his own mother. i know not to embarrass my son as he stands on the threshold of manhood. i don't know why i have to go to this thing. in case you've forgotten, i raised two kids. (mitchell) ow. ow! (claire) ow! ow! ow! stop pulling my hair. stop twisting my nipple. ow! shut up. shut up. why look at me? it was their mother's fault. i was barely around. no! ow, ow! ♪

haley, this is, like, the third bag of makeup and hair care products. dad, if you want me to get good grades, i have to look cute. don't say a word. no. no. i agree with that premise. thank you. wait. yeah, thank you. claire. mm-hmm? in haley's stuff, a box of condoms. yeah. um, i-i bought those for her. what? why don't you just buy her some fishnet stockings and a nurse's outfit? (sighs) not that that's my thing. that just popped into my head. honey, she's an adult, and she's going to college. i want to be realistic. i don't want her to get caught unprepared. 24 times? what, are you buying her a 4-year supply? (scoffs) please. phil, that would've lasted me and my college boyfriend, like, a long-- la, la, la, la, la, la, la! (sighs) okay, we gotta hit the road. give your sister a hug good-bye. don't dork up our room. don't slut up your college. seriously, though, don't study too hard, okay?

i'm totally going to have fun. i'm iceland in the mock u.n. mom, we're gonna lose her. i am doing my best. luke, come say good-bye to your sister. (muffled voice) i'm right here. bye, haley. have fun. don't drink too much beer and shots of tequila. why are you wearing that mask? uh, i like it. he doesn't want you to see him cry. he's literally masking his emotions. no! that's so sweet. come here. it's not sweet. i'm an evil cyborg. half my face was burned off in an industrial accident, and the mask is hiding the servos that control my mouth. oh! oh! yes, i am sad haley is leaving, but i'm gonna be okay knowing i've done everything i can to get her set up and prepared and off on the right foot. not me. when we're standing in her dorm room saying good-bye, it's gonna be one of the most emotional moments of my life. i'm gonna cry harder than the first time i saw "air bud"... oh. especially when i give her this.

"phil's-osophy." hmm. a hardbound collection of all the life lessons i've learned, such as... "always look people in the eye, "even if they're blind. just say, 'i'm looking you in the eye.'" or... "if you get pulled over for speeding, tell the policeman your spouse has diarrhea." phil's-osophy. (children shouting playfully) look how much fun you're gonna have here, lily. so many great toys to play with, and you're gonna make so many new friends. oh, i wish i was in kindergarten again. oh, not me. did i ever tell you about david anthony? he used to call me "cam the ham." okay, lily's day. yeah, you're right. you know what? it's gonna be a great day. i'm just saying, it's difficult to grow up with a name that rhymes with "ham." hello? mitch? witch. twitch. (whispers) bitch. (normal voice) elaine stritch. what? not all bullies are straight. okay, parents... oh! (crying) we'll see you at 12:00. (kisses) all right. mm! this is when the crying starts. mm!

does it ever stop? come on, cam. (voice breaks) okay. you know what, lily, sweetie? i know this is gonna be difficult-- bye! okay. that was a knife to the heart. no, it's--it's a good thing. come on. oh, you know what? she forgot her snack. oh. where'd she go? ow! that hurts! ow! that hurts! oh, lily, honey! sweetheart, come here. come here. if you ever put your hands on my daughter again, i will string you up by your feet, run you up the flagpole, and let the birds peck out your eyes. you understand? mr. tucker, put that boy down! he pulled my daughter's hair. please apologize to connor for using your hands instead of your words. okay. sorry, little fella. i would like to see you in my office. right. now, please. me, too? oh. (whispers) hey. (mouthing words)

caw! caw! stop it. leave him alone. so i use excedrin.ments from my life. it starts to relieve migraine pain in just 30 minutes. and it works on my symptoms, too. now moments lost to migraines are moments gained with excedrin. sfx [heartbeat] the ford summer sales event is on. i'll jump out and guide you back. easy, son. this is gonna blow your mind. whoa. awesome. that is really cool. take on summer right with ford, america's best-selling brand. now with summer's hottest offer. get zero percent for sixty months plus an additional thousand on top of your trade-in. during the ford summer sales event get zero percent for sixty months plus an additional thousand on top of your trade-in. offer ends july 5th. ♪ your strips are slippy... whiter than mine? ...mine are grippy. crest whitestrips stay in place. crest whitestrips professional effects... ...lock in the whitening for a whiter smile. these aren't going anywhere.

these are. crest... ...healthy, beautiful smiles for life. appened out there was unacceptable. i agree. is this kindergarten or "the hunger games"? we've never had an incident like this, and now we've had one on the first day, before circle time. what the fudge were you thinking? now the boy's parents are coming in, and trust me, they're mad as hello kitty. oh, you told his parents on us? (scoffs) that is--that is so not cool. well, i'm sure once they hear what their boy did, they will be understanding. (door opens) all right, whoever made our son cry has messed with the wrong moms. (both) lesbians. while often lumped together, gay men and lesbians have less in common than one might think. like in the venn diagram of sexual identity, you have gay men... and straight men. both the same gender. then you have gay men... and straight women. both attracted to the same gender. but gay men and lesbians? no. nothing. i am so sorry we have to meet like this, but i'm sure you can understand, as parents, the instinct to protect your child.

yeah, it's what makes me want to punch you in the neck right now. wow. i see where your son gets all of his aggression. okay, let's all take a time-out. that's a good idea. this is getting a little heated. right? yeah, pam, we don't want another incident like at the lumberyard. oh, my god. you guys go to the lumberyard, too? d-- i didn't know they had a ladies' night. not the bar, sally. okay, you know what? he's trying to be nice, and you just called him "sally." yeah, you're not being very helpful, peppermint patty. okay. let's just stick to our actual names. enough. i'm gonna give you a little homework assignment. i want you and your kids to have a family playdate. maybe if the four of you can get along, you can set a better example for your children. i think that's a wonderful idea. pam? fine. cam? fine. we'll host, obviously. "obviously"? well, i assume you have an unfinished woodworking project at your house. you've got a lot of nerve. yeah, and you've got half a canoe in our living room. i look forward to your frittata. oh. why, are you visiting us in 2008? (whispers) oh, my god. (indistinct conversations) you have some explaining to do.

i'm so sorry that you had to find out like this, jay. (laughs) wow, you two are really far along. (gloria chuckles) we're, uh, we're still in our first trimester. ay, that's nice. yeah, we've been trying to get pregnant for ages. she's latina. you just gotta look at her funny. okay, now that everyone has their doll, let's talk about swaddling. now you want to start by turning one corner of the blanket toward you, and folding the top down, like this. (lowered voice) i think they made a mistake at the hospital. tough room. now we are going to pull the other corner 'round, and tuck it in nice and snug like a burrito. done! i win. (thud) it's not a race. you're darn right. it wasn't even close. ah! (laughs) okay, it's good, but it's a little tight. it's a burrito. you don't want the meat to fall out. here. and try like this.

and see? now your baby can breathe. i wrapped my son with one hand while driving a stick. i think i know how to keep a baby safe. (scoffs) man, i love being back in the dorms. it's like i never left. throw up a david copperfield poster, this could be my room. honey, haley and i have to go fill out some paperwork. oh. why don't you throw the linens on the bed? oh, and move the car before they tow us. okay. oh, my god. what is that shirt?! pretty sweet, huh? "haley dunphy moving co." mm. see? 'cause we're moving you here and here. (laughs) and also... here. mm. man, you used to love it when we swung you like that. i bet we could still do it. yeah! yeah. oh, no, no. no, no, no, no, no. don't you dare pick me up! and take that shirt off. what? why? it's cute! it's not cute! do you see what's happening out there? people are walking around and judging each other. no, they're not. oh, really? you didn't see the way muffin top across the hall was looking at me? people can be cruel. so take it off. (sighs)

fine. oh, my god! put on a shirt! i don't know what you want from me! "you only get one chance at a first impression. i suggest julia child, because it's easy to do." (imitates julia child) "save the giblets." (laughs) (connor, singsong voice) time to go to the beach! (mitchell) you're gonna go to the beach with a dog? (pam) that dog on the beach. i don't know what i did to deserve this. yeah. i want to show connor my toys. oh, okay. you do that, sweetie. hey, connor, uh, no hair pulling. thank you for that. okay, we have an assortment of spring rolls here. all vegetarian, of course. oh, 'cause i'm a lesbian, i'm automatically a vegetarian? well, i saw it on "the l word." i assume they have consultants. i'm just saying it's an offensive stereotype. okay, pam, you are a vegetarian. wow! so glad that we are doing this. me, too. (woman) yeah. we're the only gay parents in the class. yeah, we should be supporting one another. i mean, we have so much in common. exactly. so... tell us about yourselves. i'm an environmental lawyer.

uh, and i'm a homemaker. hmm. and--and, uh, and what do you do? i'm a financial consultant. i'm a contractor. hmm. you thought i was a p.e. teacher? (cameron) well, figured. mm. hey, i have a question real quick. how do you guys get the car seat on the motorcycle? uh, you know, connor is having a birthday next week. maybe lily would like to come. oh, she would love that. oh, great. are you guys having a clown? oh, god, no. i hate clowns they're so creepy. maybe you just don't like them because they wear makeup. you know what? i'm out. okay. pam. uh... connor, we're leaving! pam! pam! you--you don't understand. cam used to be a clown. "used to be"? once a clown, always a clown. god! not now! not now! (speaks indistinctly) connor, let's go. pam. (door rattles) (doorknob rattles) what? why is this door locked? here. let me, please. lily, open this door right now. okay. i'm not hearing anything. i'm sure they're fine. oh, how are you sure? (door rattles) connor! lily! connor! (high-pitched voice) lily!

♪ sun to the farm ♪ ♪ to the seeds in a row ♪ ♪ goodness begins with the seed that you sow ♪ ♪ plant that oat and watch it grow ♪ ♪ good goes around and around and around ♪ ♪ seed to the oat ♪ to get made to an o ♪ ♪ o from the farm ♪ ♪ straight into your bowl ♪ put in the good and the good will grow ♪ ♪ good goes around and around and around ♪ ♪ good goes around and around... ♪ be right back. wiback like it could used to?

neutrogena hydro boost water gel. with hyaluronic acid it plumps skin cells with intense hydration and locks it in. for supple, hydrated skin. hydro boost. from neutrogena and i realized this doesn't hurt at all. i found myself chewing on ice sensodyne has become a part of my life i can go on bike rides and have ice cream. i can have a beer and watch the game. i don't have to worry about what i drink. i don't have to worry about my sensitivity because that's already taken care of. ♪

theseare heading back home.y oil thanks to dawn, rescue workers only trust dawn, because it's tough on grease yet gentle. i am home, i am home, i am home make the water comfortably warm 90 to 100 degrees max. and never leave the tub unsupervised. (stifling laugh) (coughs) is there something you two want to share with the class? no. it's dirty. excuse me. we're trying to learn here. don't worry so much. babies are tougher than you think. when i was 5 years old, my babysitter was a goat. what? ay, please. you know about lupe. you never said she was a goat. you know, it's great that we have a couple of experienced parents in the class.

perhaps you can share some of your wisdom with the rest of us. absolutely. it's not rocket science. it's babies. they're hungry, you feed 'em. they're teething, you give 'em some scotch. scotch? (woman) really? (man) are you serious? what? so we left. i didn't need a lecture from mary poppins. and i was suddenly in a mood for a burrito. i'd like admission to your student body. aah! (gasps) oh, my goodness! i am so sorry. i thought you were my wife. what's going on? he grabbed me and said-- i thought she was my wife. my wife works out a lot. (haley) dad? (man) how'd he grab you? he squeezed my butt. he what? phil! i thought it was you! believe me, sir. i'm a respected realtor. this is an innocent mistake. honey, turn around and show him your--your butt. it--it's uncanny. dad. i am very normal. please do not judge me based on them. are those your my little pony sheets? what? no! mm. oh. i ordered them online. they must've sent the wrong ones. i'm very sorry. that's what was in the box. oh. (haley gasps) uh, for the record, i am a respected realtor.

those are not my condoms. she bought 'em. oh, my god. apparently, that's what people do these days-- buy condoms for their kids. uh-huh. when i went to college, my parents bought me a bicycle helmet. that was their idea of safety. (wrappers crinkling) certainly didn't need condoms. mm, not if you were wearing a bike helmet around campus, you didn't. (laughs) am i right? ugh! why don't we let you guys finish, and we'll come back later? okay. okay. yeah. yeah. yep. yeah. yeah, that sounds good. see you on parents weekend! they seem nice. guys, i-- i know. i know. look, we need to reorganize a little. your dad will go out and get us some new sheets. you and i can hang up all the pictures on the walls. you know what? i think it's best if you guys get going. but we--we wanted to help you, sweetie. no, i got it. w-what if you wanna move the furniture around? and we were gonna take you to dinner before we left. i like the furniture where it is, and i'm not hungry. so... okay. okay. um, well, uh, before we leave, i wanted to give you a little present. ohh. it's actually not a little present. it's probably the best present you're ever gonna get.

it's a collection of all the things i've learned-- thanks. uh... (woman over p.a.) attention. dorm meeting in the common room. okay, so... i better go. i know. okay. okay, come here. that's my girl. (chuckles) let me get in there. okay. all right. bye! bye. "the most amazing things that can happen to a human being "will happen to you if you just lower your expectations." oh, they've got something over the hole. (high-pitched voice) lily! connor! we can't see anything from outside. the curtains are closed. open up, connor! we'll let you have a hot dog! what if something happened to them? what kind of hazards do you keep in there? well, let's see. that's where we keep our gun collection, our abandoned refrigerator, and our chocolate-covered hypodermic needles. why are gay men always so sarcastic? it's my coping mechanism! okay, that's it! lily, connor, if you can hear me, back away from the door. i'm gonna break it down. i'll help you. (lily) i don't want connor to go! (connor) i wanna stay! oh, thank god they're alive! i love him!

no, you love the idea of him. now open this door, sweetie. (connor) can we really have hot dogs? yes, we promise. (pam) oh! (mitchell) come here, sweetheart. (cameron) if you ask me... ohh! sometimes we get so hung up on our differences. we forget the one thing we have in common. when it comes to the safety and well-being of our children, we're all a little bit nuts. you have dainty little hands, just like your daughter. you have boots like my dad. i'm not saying that the goat put me to sleep or brushed my teeth. it just stayed outside my bedroom window and scared all the strangers away. well, i'm not gonna lie. i'm a little disappointed. hey, kid! jay, mom, how was class? it was great. it was very educating and-- and now we know everything about the baby, no? mm-hmm. interesting, because your teacher called, and you forgot your sunglasses when you left... three hours early. ay, manny, don't be mad. i'm not mad. just disappointed. i hate this. i prefer when he screams. manny, it's no big deal.

they weren't telling us anything we didn't already know. we're going to have a baby. am i the only one who's terrified? but why? why are you so terrified? what if it doesn't know not to pick up knives or stick its finger in an electric socket? you were pretty lax, mom. i was the one who told you to turn the pot handles towards the stove so i couldn't reach them. manny, i didn't worry about those things because you worried for the both of us. what if this baby doesn't think things through? it's part jay. no offense taken. if the baby's different, we'll be different. hey. when you were growing up, you had to be the man of the house and the kid. now i'm here. you just have to be the kid. i'm not gonna let anything happen to the baby, just like i'm not ever gonna let anything happen to you. okay? okay. that is a load off. although you forgot to pick me up last week after tango class. we didn't forget. we were just ten minutes late. ten minutes is a long time in a sketchy neighborhood. please. it was between a gymboree and a pottery barn. "dance until your feet hurt. "sing until your lungs hurt.

act until you're william hurt." how you doing? are you okay? i'm--i'm--i'm good. you? fine. yeah. great. (indistinct conversations) (phil's voice) "take a lesson from parakeets. "if you're ever feeling lonely, just eat in front of a mirror." "never be afraid to reach for the stars, "because even if you fall, you'll always be wearing a parent-chute." t.m." (chuckles) (cell phone rings) haley. hi, honey. you okay? yeah. where are you guys? almost home, honey. dad, i really like that book. you do? sweetheart, is everything okay? yeah, i just wanted to say thank you for everything,

you know, today and stuff. o-of course. sure. of course. if--if you need anything at all... (voice breaks) you just call us. i'll probably need some more condoms soon. not funny. i'm sending you some care bear sheets. anyway, i should probably get going. we have orientation at 7:00 a.m. g-good luck with that, sweetie. i love you, guys. we love you, too, honey. so, so much. bye. bye, haley. (mouths word) i'll miss you. afi sure had a lot on my mind. my 30-year marriage... ...my 3-month old business... plus...what if this happened again? i was given warfarin in the hospital, but wondered, was this the best treatment for me? so i made a point to talk to my doctor.

he told me about eliquis. eliquis treats dvt and pe blood clots and reduces the risk of them happening again. not only does eliquis treat dvt and pe blood clots. eliquis also had significantly less major bleeding than the standard treatment. eliquis had both... ...and that turned around my thinking. don't stop eliquis unless your doctor tells you to. eliquis can cause serious and in rare cases fatal bleeding. don't take eliquis if you have an artificial heart valve or abnormal bleeding. if you had a spinal injection while on eliquis call your doctor right away if you have tingling, numbness, or muscle weakness. while taking eliquis, you may bruise more easily... and it may take longer than usual for bleeding to stop. seek immediate medical care for sudden signs of bleeding, like unusual bruising. eliquis may increase your bleeding risk if you take certain medicines. tell your doctor about all planned medical or dental procedures. eliquis treats dvt and pe blood clots. plus had less major bleeding. both made eliquis right for me. ask your doctor if switching to eliquis is right for you.

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i don't know why i avoided the harry potter books for so long. these are great. i just started number six. that's a good one. dumbledore dies in that one. yeah, i know, i didn't see it coming, either. why would you say that? you brought up a subject. i contributed an interesting fact on that subject. it's called the art of conversation. okay, your turn. that was a huge spoiler. good. what is wrong with you? if i did that, you'd bitch about it for weeks. oh, really, leonard? are you going to have another one of your hissy fits? hissy fits? i have hissy fits? yes, and i have a theory why. because of your lactose intolerance, you switched over to soy milk. soy contains estrogen-mimicking compounds. i think your morning cocoa puffs are turning you into a hysterical woman.

you are unbelievable. i don't know why i put up with you. you're controlling, you're irritating... there you go again-- nag, nag, nag. you're only proving my point, little lady. you know what? screw you, sheldon. you are the most annoying person i have ever met. what? i'm annoying? you criticize my behavior all the time. "sheldon, don't talk about your bowel movements over breakfast." "sheldon, when the president of the university "is giving a eulogy at a funeral, don't yawn and point at your watch." "sheldon, don't throw away my shirts 'cause you think they're ugly." you're impossible. that's it. i don't... i don't have to put up with this. actually, i have your signature on a roommate agreement that says you do. aw. here's what i think of your roommate agreement. (gasps) you pick that up right now. no. roommate agreement, section 27, paragraph 5: "the roommate agreement, like the american flag,

cannot touch the ground." i don't care. i don't have to do anything you say because... i don't think i want to live here anymore. where are you going? to live with penny and not you, you crazy bastard. crazy bastard? yes. leonard, wait. what? dobby the elf dies in book seven. ♪ our whole universe was in a hot, dense state ♪ ♪ then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started... wait! ♪ ♪ the earth began to cool ♪ the autotrophs began to drool, neanderthals developed tools ♪ ♪ we built the wall ♪ we built the pyramids ♪ ♪ math, science, history, unraveling the mystery ♪ ♪ that all started with a big bang ♪ ♪ bang! ♪ the ford summer sales event is on. i'll jump out and guide you back. easy, son. this is gonna blow your mind. whoa. awesome.

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for a just-cleaned feeling that lasts up to 4 weeks. lysol. what it takes to protect. here you go. great. come on in. what, you don't say thank you? it's my suitcase. i lent it to you two years ago. well, then, i should tell you i broke the wheel and the handle. so, is everyone from bernadette's company going to vegas? no, just me, her and a couple of the bigwigs. it's part of a bonus she got. cool. did she discover a cure for something? not exactly. they spent a ton of money developing this dandruff medication that had the side effect of horrible anal leakage. is there a good anal leakage?

anyway, it was bernie's idea to rebrand the stuff as a cure for constipation. (chuckles) way to make lemonade. you know, from around the corner where fudge is made. hey, i got a favor to ask. sure. my mom's been kind of an emotional wreck since that dentist she was dating dumped her. dumped her? what, did he use a forklift? (laughing) sorry. there's nothing funny about morbid obesity. she's huge. it was funny. (laughing) anyway, i was just hoping that maybe you could check in on her tomorrow night and make sure she's doing okay. dude, i'm a single man. saturday night is my party night. really? what do you got going on? i don't know, maybe drive down to hollywood, hit a few hot spots, see if i can get lucky. okay, tell me if this sounds familiar.

(clears throat) you pay $15 to park, you stand on the sidewalk for an hour until you break down and give the bouncer 20 bucks to let you in. you push your way to the bar, where you drink an $18 cosmopolitan, then you stare at a pretty girl and imagine your perfect life together. your children, grandchildren. meanwhile, she leaves with a guy who claims he wrote beverly hills chihuahua. then you give up on anyone ever loving you, go to marie callender's, buy a pie and eat it in your car in the parking lot. what time should i be at your mother's? i told her around 7:00. i swear, that man is the most egotistical, insufferable human being i have ever met. yeah, but you two make such a cute couple. like bert and ernie. you guys even teach me stuff about words and numbers. well, i've had it. i am done. i can't... i can't live with him for one more minute. wow. so where you gonna go? i was thinking here with you.

oh. that a problem? no, not at all. no, it's-it's great. it's terrific. i... you know, i just can't help feel bad about sheldon. i mean... how's he going to get by without you? ernie. he's got amy now. yeah, he does, but it's not the same. why? um... well, um, all right. you-you know how in harry potter and the half-blood prince, ron didn't abandon harry just because harry started dating ron's sister? harry and ginny get together? sorry. spoiler alert. my point is, as much as i want to live with you, i can't do it knowing how much sheldon needs you. please, the only thing he needs me for is to be his whipping boy, his-his stooge, his doormat. well, you know what they say: if it ain't broke... wow. it sounds to me like you don't want us to live together.

no. no, no, i do. i do. it's just... i mean, it's a really big step. is it? we're together all the time. financially, it makes great sense. can you think of one reason why we shouldn't do this? well... um... i'm just a little thirsty. i got nothing. great. i'll go get my stuff. (laughs nervously) yeah. okay, all right, don't freak out. you can make this work. oh, could you clear off a shelf for me in the bathroom? i take a lot of medicine. oh, please let some of it be xanax. mrs. wolowitz: are you ready for dessert? (grunts) no, thank you, mrs. wolowitz. as it is, i'm going to have to carry my stomach out of here like i'm a fireman rescuing an infant.

oh, please. you're a tall glass of brown water. have dessert. well, i-i really couldn't. but, uh, i've had a lovely time eating your brisket and hearing about the things you've had removed from your body over the years. didn't know you could have a cyst inside another cyst. the doctor said they were like russian nesting dolls. well, if you have to go, how about i put a little doggie bag together for you? that would be lovely. thank you. (mrs. wolowitz sobbing) mrs. wolowitz, uh... are you okay? don't mind me. i just cry when i'm lonely and have nothing to live for. i, uh... i suppose i could stay for some dessert. great. you like chocolate chip cheesecake? sure. i'll make one.

one vintage mr. mxyzptlk action figure. that's leonard's. children's toy. one star trek: the next generation phaser. that's leonard's. children's toy. one game of thrones collector's edition longclaw sword. oh... leonard and i bought that together. that's a bit of an ethical conundrum. eh, i'll keep it. so, uh, what's your plan moving forward? uh, suppose i'll have to find and cultivate a new roommate. what a task that will be. do you know how uncivilized leonard was when i took him in? no. oh, it took me forever to get him on a bathroom schedule. he would just go whenever the mood struck him. like a dog-boy. exactly. what if you could find a roommate who was a scientist and already familiar and comfortable with your ways?

that would be ideal. if a person like that existed, i would sign on, no further questions asked. great. here i am! wait. here who is where? me. aren't i your perfect roommate? um... think about it, sheldon. i'm not a stranger, we're intellectually compatible, i'm willing to chauffeur you around town, and your personality quirks, which others find abhorrent or rage-inducing, i find cute as a button. what do you think? um... tell me one reason why this isn't a fantastic idea. um... see? you can't. i'm gonna go see if leonard's room is big enough for my water bed.

um... good buddy leonard. good buddy leonard. good buddy leonard. what do you want? hey, good buddy. so, uh, i was just talking to amy, and she made me realize that this little dust-up between you and me is much ado about nothing. is that so? yes. all is forgiven, so come back home. i'll make you some soy hot chocolate, and then i'll tell you about our exciting new devil-may-care bathroom policy. cut to the chase, sheldon. okay. amy's decided she wants to move in with me, so i need you to come back home, you lovable scamp. that's a lot of product. hey. what's going on? oh, get this: suddenly, sheldon wants me back because amy wants to move in with him. really? interesting. well, too late, pal. i'm not going anywhere. penny and i are very happy living together.

isn't that right? it's like the happiness won't ever leave the apartment. leonard, please. you know amy moving in marks a level of intimacy our relationship isn't ready for. yes! that is a real thing. and it doesn't mean you don't care about each other; it just means things are moving at a pace you're not comfortable with, and that's fine. well, if he doesn't want to live with her, then he should tell her how he feels. well, maybe he doesn't know how to say it without hurting her feelings. feelings? what am i, a hippie at a love-in? no. the problem is, she laid out a series of logical arguments that i couldn't refute. that is the worst, isn't it? yes. i'm sorry, sheldon. i can't help you. oh, spoiler alert: this door's about to slam in your face. oh, there you are. when do i get a key to our apartment? um...

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hydro boost. from neutrogena (phone ringing) hello? wolowitz: hey. how'd it go last night with my mom? okay, i guess. what time did you leave? (yawns) actually, i'm still here. what? you spent the night? yeah. uh... after dinner, we watched a rerun of rockford files, and then she opened a bottle of, uh, cream sherry, and the next thing i know, she was tucking me into your bed. you wore my pajamas? mm-hmm. how do you sleep in these things? silk pajamas on satin sheets? i slid out of the bed, like, three times. mrs. wolowitz: rajesh! you up? you ready for breakfast? oh, boy. breakfast! okay, raj, listen to me. you need to get out of there.

but i have a cream sherry hangover and i smell blintzes. if you don't leave now, she'll use food and guilt to keep you there for the rest of your life. oh, howard, stop. trust me, you're not jewish. that's how they get you. you're being silly. i can leave whenever i want. oh, really? where are your clothes and your shoes? they're on the chair, right over... oy vey. hello, home wrecker. what did i do? you gave leonard somewhere to go. thanks to you, amy's out buying his and hers bath towels. like i'd ever dry myself with something that has a possessive pronoun on it. okay. listen, the truth is i don't want him living with me. great. kick him out. break his heart. everybody wins. no, i don't want to break his heart. i love him.

this is just happening too fast. you think this is fast? it's just a matter of time before i see amy's leg stubble in my shower. yeah, and i've seen those legs. you might want to get some drano. hold on. if you don't want to live with leonard, why don't you just tell him? well, you know how he is. he's sensitive and emotional. that's because he drinks too much soy milk. well, i don't know what else we can do but tell them the truth. i suppose there's no choice but to face the crying, angry accusations and the high-pitched wails of despair. yeah. and who knows how amy will react. here's some more ice. oh, thanks. what were we thinking? we should have just done it the regular way. those chinese acrobats in cirque du soleil made it look so easy. honestly, if i could bend that far, what would i need with you?

if you could bend that far, you'd be doing us both a favor. (phone ringing) hey, raj. what's up? you were right! i can't get out of here! you're still at my mother's? i'm trapped. my clothes have been in the laundry all day, and she hid my keys. i think they might be in her bra, because she jingles when she walks. what do i do? hey, you wanted a woman in your life. now you got one. come on, howard, help me. mrs. wolowitz: rajesh, tatellah, i ran you a bath. oh, my god. she's not gonna bathe me, is she? gee, i wish i could tell you no. all right, well, thanks again for helping me out. but, howard... should we go back and rescue him?

it's too late. we'll see him at his bar mitzvah. here you go. i picked up the chinese food just the way leonard used to. is it kung pao chicken? yes. brown rice, not white rice? yes. spicy mustard from the korean deli? yes. i did good, right? (sadly): yes. amy, are you worried that us living together will take the mystery out of our relationship? no. yeah, why would you? oh, and, uh, check this out. i took the liberty of scripting a new outgoing voice mail message for both of us. "hello. this is sheldon." "and this is amy." "we're not home right now." "'cause we out dropping science, son." both: "leave a message." beep. (laughs)

you can't live here. what? why? is it the message? i only used urban slang to sound tough so people wouldn't break in. no. it's not the message. well, what is it, then? i did everything just the way you like it. you did. then what the hell, sheldon?! we have been going out for over two years, and i have been nothing but patient with you! i watch your dopey space movies. i signed your ridiculous contract. i even stopped wearing lip gloss 'cause you said it made my mouth look too slippery. i am the best girlfriend you're ever gonna have. you give me one good reason why i can't live here. it's penny's fault. what? she doesn't want to live with leonard, so he has to come live here again. she's the snake in our garden. she's the reason we can't be happy. hey, ames. yeah. "hey, ames," nothing.

i was all set to move in with sheldon, and now i hear i can't 'cause you don't want to live with leonard. leonard: what? sheldon, what did you say? i said the truth. you don't want to live with leonard, and you know it. since when don't you want to live with me? oh, don't get all huffy. you're the one who decided to move in without even asking me if i was ready. yeah, i think we should talk about that. and since you love the truth so much, why don't you tell amy you don't want to live with her instead of blaming it on me? i thought we were talking about the other thing. you're a coward. well, the evidence does support that. come on, amy, let's go drink wine and talk about what jerks our boyfriends are. you know what would show them? i should move in here with you! um... (door closes) do you want to... catch up on some walking dead?

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mrs. wolowitz: where you going? no! captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org

a celebration of pride and diversity. but for some it was a day to speak out against the current political climate. details in the san francisco pride parade as well as highlights from other parades from across the country. and we're monitoring the fast moving wildfire raging right now in southern california. the evacuations in effect and the damage it's caused. good sunday even everybody i'm alyana gomez. hundreds of thousands of people lined the streets of san francisco for its 47th annual pride parade. as ktvu allie rasmus explained the parade was fun and festive, but also included a new protest group. >> reporter: the crowd cheered and flags waved. people poured out of bart stations and hundreds of thousands of people lined the streets for the annual