[applause] craig: welcome back, everybody. welcome back. my next guest is a very funny comedienne. she will be at the funny bone in valley park, missouri september 25-28. please welcome carmen lynch, everybody! carmen lynch! [applause] >> thank you! thank you!

thanks so much! thank you! thank you. please laugh at my jokes. i have a heart murmur. so i'm not in love right now and when i'm not no n love, i don't want to see people who are. and they are everywhere. people are kissing all over the city. people are making out on the subway platforms and i just want to push them into the tracks. [laughter] and if it is true love, they will get out. [laughter] [applause] and if they don't get out, it wasn't meant to be. i was in a relationship for a while and we broke up and my friend was like you need to be alone now for a while. get to know yourself.

it is good for you. [laughter] so i've been doing that. i've been walking in the park by myself. taking myself out to dinner. just trying to get to know myself. [laughter] and i am shocked! i'm like oh, my god! i'm so awesome! [laughter] now when i go out with my friends, they are like you seem more confident now. more animated. more fun. i'm like you should see me when i'm alone. [laughter] so i'm six-feet tall. when you're really tall, people ask you weird questions. like this woman came up to me and she was like you're so tall. what about guys? [laughter] and i was like i still have a vagina! [applause]

it is not like you reach a certain height and hay snatch it away from you. they are not like you're six feet tall. you need to give it back. it is too high. it is too high for some people. [laughter] like short guys. short guys like tall women. you know? like the latinos? they follow me around like i'm snow white. [applause] but it is never seven of them. that would be adorable. so i have scoliosis. anyone else? any scos in the house? where are my crooked bitches? when you're a sco -- you're like

superman but your ass is on the inside. so i have two nieces. i have a 4-year-old niece and the other one is fat. i don't know how old she is. [laughter] i love the 4-year-old because she asks a lot of questions. you know? she is like why doesn't everything have glitter? i'm like oh, my god, she is totally going to do drugs one day. i was like don't worry. one day everything will have glitter. you just have to meet the right people. so a couple of months ago, i bought a guitar and a couple of weeks after that, i bought a vibrator. now i wish i bought the vibrator first. because then i would have

realized i didn't even need to buy this guitar. you know? because i'm so busy. [laughter] if you didn't laugh at that joke, you also bought a guitar. thank you so much. [applause] thank you. thank you so much. craig: carmen lynch, everybody! we've got to go. good night!

it's time for your host -- byron allen. rick kaiser.

mick flores. now a man who you tivo'd so you can skip to the commercials, byron allen! ♪ >> all right. lot going on. lot going on. a consumer watch group has put out a list of the most dangerous costumes for kids to wear on halloween. number one on the list -- a congressional page. ♪ >> all right. say hello to some very funny

people. edwin san juan. rick kaiser. crazy crazy judy wu. where you from originally? >> iscerrito. we're all from the philippines. i was made in taiwan. >> what's it like growing up in your house? >> it was rough, man, because we never had pets. our dog's name was main dish. all we had was left over. >> how about you? i understand you been listening to hip-hop. >> yeah, i try to stay up with the kids. see, i'm trying ining -- can i

you "b"? >> lot of these kids nowadays don't know anything about old school hip-hop. hip-hop was about living. now they're not saying anything. all they have is a funky ass beat. you know? and you in the club, the beaters would get you out your seat. see specially like black people. we like, ooh, shoot, okay. that's when you like, what in the hell are you talking about? >> how much platinum jewelry for your girl can you buy? how many women can you disrespect in the video? do you realize you are a grown-ass man bragging about the size of your rims and tires? and nobody finds that retarded but me? right? >> that's right.

that's right. >> i mean we are living in a world where your rim and tire size determine your status as a human being. >> i got 24 inches. i got 26s. then here i come. say look at vince, he ain't nothing, driving around on rims and tires the same size the engineers designed for the damn vehicle. getting optimum gas mileage. you know, it is about cars when they do the hip-hop stuff. i just recently became a car guy. up until recently i was a non-car guy. i had a four-door beige honda. that was my first car. loved that car. i put $8 worth of gas and go four years. and the car was brilliant, man. and i'll never forget i was driving down the street in my little four-door honda, i was proud of it and just driving down the street and eddie murphy pulls up next to me in a

beautiful bentley. he was right over there. i was like hey. it's like 3:00 in the morning. we're coming home from the club. he saw me and he pushed this button and the electric windows went -- i thought hey! and he was -- and drove off. >> i know you a long time, man. >> yeah, we're both getting older. >> by the way, your honda's still running well. i got it. >> just listening to vince, when i go to music, i stop basically in the '70s. started off with records and a needle. my first was a sears $60, turn table drops down about six inches. for stereo you had to put your head on the turn table.

look at you, fashion diva. i understand you just like all in your clothes these days. >> wait a minute! i move to my own music. i got to strap one on! >> okay, let's hear it. >> all right? ♪ i want a guy with a mobile home ♪ ♪ has an extra wide chromosome ♪ ♪ who retains water in his head ♪ ♪ who talks to me like mr. ed >> that's what i'm talking about. >> what do you think about the asian stereotype? >> asians can't drive. you know? we're smart but we can't drive. if they made the steering while like a mouse.

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all right, welcome back to "comics unleashed." you've been talking about male/female hormones. >> i'm living them. i have a daughter who became a woman. that's what her mother said, she's a woman now. i had no idea what i was in for when her mom and her linked up on the same menstrual cycle and i became trapped in a women's prison movie. men have hormones too. we can get a testosterone overload any time, women have seen this, a guy's been working out doing something, setting, in the house, testosterone overdrive. i'm going to tear this wall down, put the refrigerator there. slow down, no talk, no talk. just got to bang for awhile.

man's hormones drop down, i'll just pay somebody to finish the job. >> get a sitcom. >> you know what, here's the thing, you know what, byron, i need to be caught in a scandal. >> yeah. >> that's right. i wanted to become addicted to painkillers, you know, the problem is i'm catholic and i live for pain. you know? i still have nightmares about my eighth grade non-sister godzilla. got mad at me because i gave her a shaving mug for father's day. >> judy, you're going to hell for that. oh, good, we can car pool. hello. by the way, that's a big male fantasy, men want to see two women together, don't you? >> no, i don't. >> yes, you do! don't lie to me! guess what, we women want to see two men. that's right. we want to see two men. one to cook and one to clean.

maybe if i had been more like that monica l, maybe if i had played swallow the leader. nasty, nasty, nasty. >> been traveling, man? >> every week, road dog. >> are you really? >> yeah. >> how are they treating you at the airport? >> people want to racially profile at the airport. i'm like, hell yes. america was founded on racism. we should do what we do best when we need to do it. you know what i mean? we actually are professionals at racism. i'm in line, right, i get pulled out of line, there's a guy hovering on a piece of carpet next to me. and you take away my carmex?

>> have you been traveling? >> yeah, you know, my favorite thing is they sent me on the airplane, always sit me between a land mass and a glacier, you know? it's fine until we hit turbulence and i get smashed into a mammogram breast, you know? until i look like one of those tropical fish with an eye on each side of my head, you know, like tori spelling. daddy! oh, that's my fault now! >> i like your haircut, man. >> got the same haircut. >> there you go. >> you look good, though. >> thank you. >> black people look good with bald heads. asians, we look like buddha. you know what i mean? white people look sick. >> we're going to take a break. we'll be right back. don't go away. to find out how to be part to find out how to be part of o ochili special?

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welcome back to "comics unleashed." what's going on, man, heard you were talking about viagra. >> you want to get some?

it's everywhere. you don't need a prescription. when it first started, you need a prescription. now it's internet. what i get is, i read about that most of the men who are taking it, like 80-year-old guys are taking of this stuff and dying of heart attacks, yet they know it, which tells you everything you need to know about men. they are saying, look, the doctor's going you can either have ten more years of life with no sex or take this viagra, have sex and maybe have a heart attack. give me the pill. >> they are going to market viagra as a soft drink, that's right. now every guy can pour himself a stiff one. >> you think racism will ever end? >> man, that's a good question. i hope so. i think human beings need to get their stuff together. i think we all need to get the stuff together as people. i don't want to preach racial harmony and love, because i don't want to get shot. >> anyone in history of man kind

that's had a message of love or harmony, gone, jfk, pow, martin luther king, pow, gandhi, jesus -- so we can ease into the ending of racism, not abruptly. i hope we can get our act together. >> what do you think about interracial relationships? >> i think it's good. i think it's good. it's important, you know what i mean? we have to learn about each other's differences and cultures. like my sister married a black guy, he's a good guy. he's a lawyer. good to have a lawyer in your family, right? i never thought that my brother-in-law would be a brother-in-law. >> what do you think about white people? >> white people, they are all white. white people are cool, they are good, until they get fired.

right? then they go postal and shoot everybody. when blacks and latinos get fired, it's about time, sucka. right? fire a white guy, i'm fired, what? i'll be back. go home, get the guns, come back, and they shoot everybody. i know because i'm filipino. a lot of filipinos work in the post office. you don't see filipinos in the news shooting people. if we're on the news, it's because we're the witness. i saw the whole thing from the back counter. the gun firing, it was bobby, he's crazy. >> we got to take a break. we'll be right back. don't go away. moms know that no two mouths are the same. that's why there's a listerine® product for every mouth. one to clean your whole mouth. one for those hard to reach places.

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