♪ what did we learn on the show tonight, craig? ♪ ha ha ha! [laughter] craig: as hagrid had said what would come would come and he would have to meet it when he did. geoff: that was wonderful. craig: yeah, that is a good one.

"harry potter and the goblet of fire." now i read that entire book during the commercial break and only slowed down for the last paragraph. geoff: that's right. you're a speed reader, you are. craig: that's right. i'm a speed reader. geoff: we want to apologize to tom hanks, dustin hofman . craig: rob schneider. anyone else? >> cbs. our audience. to each other. i'm sorry, craig, to you. craig: and anyone else who thought that the cat's head blew you have and is on fire. that is not true. it is just a joke. we're not advocating that at all. we love the cats. is that tonight's show or tomorrow night's show? geoff: what night is this? craig: well, you know, it is late so now it is friday. geoff: that's right. craig: or saturday. or if this is a rerun, tuesday.

geoff: sure. rerun. ha ha ha! we're the air in december. ♪ captioned by the national captioning institute --www.ncicap.org--

compared to a dry duster, a can of pledge picks up more dust and cleans 100% of messes. pledge multi surface. dusts better. cleans more. it's planet unleashed with your host byron allen. tonight byron hosts johnny sanchez,sleapburg, and

mario! and now a man whose fine as a picture of tyra banks, byron allen! >> yes! let's do it. yeah. all right! say hello fc >> all right, welcome to comics unleashed. say hello to an. >> hi! >> johnny sanchez! mario joyner! and carol leaper! mario, how's your family doing? >> good, good, real good.

i've got a bunch of brothers and sisters and i took a cross-country trip to visit my family and everyone's been telling me, take a cross-country trip and i did it. i used one of those magellan road mates, gps that actually talks to you. fantastic. if you have $600 and own a car, get yourself one of these. you cannot get lost. i tried to get lost. it was improbable. the funny thing is, magellan, it's named after the spanish explorer that was accredited to be the first pirn to circumstance um navigate the earth. most people don't know that, but magellan was killed halfway through that trip in the philippines. killed in the philippines. the trip that made him famous, total disaster. so if anybody could have used the magellan is magellan, is the point i'm trying to make. >> you come from a greek family, right? >> i am greek. >> is that right? >> greek people are -- no secret i'm a big queen. i'm gay gay gay gay gay. somebody just said, you owe me

$5 over here. but i've got to tell you, my mom says to me, you know, there are no gay greeksrates plato, socrs. she said, achilles wasn't gay. mom, the man broke a heel and died! that's gay. >> are you third generation here? >> yeah. i'm third generation mexican. so i'm a little watered down, man. i'm like -- some are saying, you're a sellout, no. >> pluto and plato played together. >> you know, you and i were chatting about making airline reservations. >> oh, my god. i am only making reservations now online because i called last

week, i was on hold for 25 minutes. and then when you finally get somebody, you can't help but want to mess with their heads. record locator? k, like in the word knee, p like in pneumonia, and w like in the word whore! >> yes, that will get you the back seat right by the bathroom. you been flying around? >> yeah. what's happening to the security? i hadn't flown for two months. i went to the airport, and they're confiscating our toiletries when you get on the plane now because i guess they think somehow astro glide and nitro glycerin have the same consistency. >> we all know that, by the way. >> y'all don't know what astro glide is? >> i know whoo astro glide is!

>> they do, too. >> you been hanging out in las vegas? >> oh, my god, i love las vegas so much. i just got to headline one of the big casinos. you know how you get your name on the marquee in the light? i haven't ever seen that so we parked across the street on las vegas boulevard. i swear right before it got to me it said $150,000 bj competiti competition. i thought, i could win that! and then my friend told me it stood for blackjack. and i thought, foiled again! >> we've got to take a break. >> we've got to take a break. isom liquid.y. when you can't wind down it helps you fall asleep quickly and wake refreshed. new unisom liquid. a stressful day deserves a restful night. 's braces come off. good thing she used new act braces care mouthwash.

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all right, welcome back to comics unleashed. we are unleashed. mario, what's going on with your dating life? >> fantastic. i just turned 45. i was real nervous about turning 45 because i'm supposed to be going through a midlife crisis but it doesn't feel like it because i have two houses, a new car and i'm dating women half my age. it feels like a midlife christmas as far as i can see.

it's only a crisis if you can't pull it off. >> dating younger women, huh? >> fantastic. i would recommend everybody to date someone half your age. >> don't do this if you're 32. >> yeah. >> you've got to wait. >> cut it in half. once you hit 45. >> you're completely safe. but the funny thing is, i'm not a thug and young women like thugs. you ask a woman why they like thugs, they can't explain it. you know, you want to be with someone who can handle themselves if somebody starts something. what they don't know is the thugs are the ones starting things. >> you get shot because you're dating a thug. >> right. >> what was your childhood like? >> my childhood? i miss being a kid, man. i think we had a lot of fun with toys and everything. the toys were dangerous when we grew up. now they're thoroughly tested by the manufacturers. i think growing up some of us

were the ones testing the toys if you think about it. i mean, like slip n slide was so dangerous because it started on the grass but always ended on the sidewalk for some reason. we're sliding on the cement and your dad is looking out the window, that's a skin graft right there. i mean, the problem with kids today is also, a lot of the parents want to keep their kids babies. i don't know if you've noticed this. they keep them way too long in the stroller. i saw this kid in the stroller and his feet were dragging. he had a diaper on and i could see his pubic hair. i thought, this is ridiculous! come on! >> it's true. people just -- i would like to have kids, but i'm afraid i would be a bad parent because everybody is just scared of their kids. i've got 12 nieces and nephews and nobody will whip a 2-year-old. 2-year-olds get away with murder. he's going through his terrible 2s.

my nephew threw a wrench and broke a window. everybody just looked at him. he's going through the terrible 2s. i'll tell you who the terrible 2s are, you two sorry ass parents. >> i cannot stand when people put their kids on the phone when you call. >> yes. >> i can't -- because the parent with t -- the kid is a motor-mouth when they're talking to me. all you hear is breathing. i'm not wearing any pampers. >> what's your favorite store? >> here's the thing about home pot. you go there, a lot of the migra migrant work hes are looking for work, but it's a weird situation. it's like they're worker hookers in a way. like wookers. like a same situation as a john. they show you, they want to show you which one is the strongest. they'll be, like, look at me,

look at me. watch, i'm a matador, you know. and if you think about that scenario, it's the same thing, man. it's like a john pulling up to the parking with the same questions, too. hey, how much? what can you do, man? you don't mind getting on all fours, do you? do you mind getting dirty? can you lay some pipe? get in the we're heading out of here. >> where exactly is this place? >> sunset, right down the street. >> you mexican people, you black people, y'all complain, but greek people we got it worse. they name streets after you. cesar char vez boulevard, martin luther king boulevard. what do they name after greeks? diseases. i don't want to hear a black

person complain until you can supply a girl suffering from la kweesh sha! >> you do some terrific impressions. >> they explaining that one. >> do steve martin for me. >> steve martin? >> yeah, who do you do? >> i only do one impression. >> who? >> let me show you. see that impression? right there on the back of the -- >> yeah. >> is that terrible or what? come on! >> i'm casey case em, a long distance dedication comes from west hollywood, california. he writes, dear casey, casey, i recently met a wonderful man. i'd love to get to know him a little more. he's dashing and funny.

casey, could you please play "faithful "faithfully" from ant to byron. here's your long distance dedication, ant. >> where's your wife from? >> my wife is from the south, man. she's -- >> ecuador? >> no. south carolina. she's a honky. first of all, we had a wedding reception in los angeles. apparently you're supposed to have a theme for the wedding reception. my wife was so upset, we didn't have a theme. i said, if you look out there, the theme is right there, 200 white southerners and 1,500 mexicans. that's called the alamo. >> that was your theme. >> that was our theme. and here's the worst thing. her mom who was a first grade teacher, she was working on her spanish, wanted me to take her to a mexican restaurant so she could order the food. darling, do you mind if i order

the mexican food? so the waiter walks up, she takes over. hola, it looking at me, like, man, you sellout. it's different being from different places and different areas. >> how did you and your wife meet? >> we met at the comedy store on sunset. >> she's a kmecomedienne. >> she's not. >> you picked up someone from the crowd? >> no. she worked there. >> oh, she was a waitress there. >> you picked up the help? >> i knew you were going to give me a hard time. i knew you were going to give me a hard time.

>> how about you, would you fall in love with a comedy waitress? >> no. >> you ever date a white chick? >> oh, yeah. >> i like to look at the black women when you say that. >> they're fine with me doing it. >> no, not that girl. that ain't good! >> let me tell you, i'm not the type of black guy that only dates white women. i date white women and black women who don't mind me dating white women. >> have we seen enough people with plastic surgery these days. >> have you heard about women taking the fat from their buttocks and injecting it into their lips? brings a whole new meaning to the phrase "kiss my ass." >> we have to take a break. we'll be right back. we'll be right back. don't go allergies would let me take you home. the power of allegra relieves your toughest indoor and outdoor symptoms fast

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welcome back to comics unleashed. carol, you've got your impression? >> i do an impression of a nose job. >> a what kind of job?

>> a nose job. but your camera has to come in really, really, really close. would it be this one? okay, are you very close? like right all right. >> you've got to stand up for that. i'm giving that a standing ovation. that's the first time i have ever seen an impression of a nose job. people do sammy davis jr., sinat sinatra, elvis. she did a nose job. what kind of music do you like to listen to? >> i'm getting into classic rock. i used to -- rap i can't keep up with. i used to listen to it early on when rappers spoke english, you know. now rappers have their own language. i don't know what they're talk being about, but i think we

ought to make suuse of the rappers, send them in the military and use them as code talkers. i don't think another country could interpret it. this rapper has to send it to another rapper but in hip-hop. yo yo, yo what up i'm gonna let you know what happen rout her rout her. the general has made an erder, yo snap quick holler back! think about the enemy trying to decode that. they're listening, what bull crap? i heard them say allah is back. >> what's been going on?

you been dining out quite a bit? >> yes, i have. i enjoy dining out. we ran into each out, but i cannot stand when -- why is it when you order a bottle of wine now it's this big production. you know what i mean? they give you the cork, then the guy stands there, waits around while you taste it. i feel like such an idiot, like, yeah, that should get me hammered. yeah. that should come back up real nice, yes. let's go with that. >> we have to take a break. we'll be right back. we'll be right back. >> f fish bring layaway back. actually... that way i could split the payments into little bite-size chunks. i mean you feel me right? yeah uh, sir... oh! layaway is back, with no opening fee. backed by savings catcher. walmart. to get up from september 16th to the 29th. or snooze buttons

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all right, welcome back to comics unleashed. we've got to be careful with cell phones now. i don't know if you know that. because brain tumors are up, did you know that? they're up because of the increased use of cell phones. >> but crime is down. >> is that right? >> and also the talking and driving is dangerous. you hear everybody talking and driving. but, look, the easy solution is just make everybody's license plate number their cell phone number, then when you get behind the idiot who won't go on a green light, hey, i've got your number. you know what i'm talking about. >> i have no patience in l.a. for the people who drive two miles an hour and when you're behind them and you can't get around and you're stuck reading their bumper stickers for half an hour. it drives me nut. like, what would jesus do? jesus would gun