craig: i think they'll be fine. >> they're fine. craig: no, they'll be all right. >> no, it really is -- like i said it's like saving a relationship, you know. it's so stressful. craig: yeah, you get somebody else to deal with all that crap. >> like you and simon were talking about the ikea furniture. we bought a piece. we'll just build this together, we'll be fine. i kid you not, 10 minutes into it, we wanted to kill each other. craig: wait until its kid toys. >> oh, no! craig: that is -- uh-oh -- crazy. you think a stroller. four wheels, a little seat. how hard can that be? wait, wait and see! you have to put the inside of a wheel -- it drives me nuts! that's what i'm saying! >> it's one of those things where you take a 10 minute break.

come back to it. craig: well, that's good. are you in therapy? [laughter] see what you should do is get into therapy early before stuff goes wrong. >> it's like preventive? craig: yes, exactly so. >> i'm not against therapy. craig: i think talking out your problems -- i'm sorry for pointing my pipe. i'm trying to emphasize my point. i've been in a lot of therapy. and as you can see it's been immensely successful. [laughter] what scares you then? >> what scares me? strange foods scare me. what scares you? craig: yeah, that's pretty scary. what are we talking about, like spiders? ever eaten a spider? >> no. even grasshoppers. craig: what do you mean, even grasshoppers.

you're saying grasshoppers like eating pie. have you been to japan? >> i have been to japan. and the one restaurant that i went to they served horse sashimi. [laughter] i did not try it. craig: first of all, you're not a real horse. so knock it off. did you try it? >> no, i didn't. craig: i don't think i could do that. i went to a japanese restaurant where i -- i know a lot of people eat this but i haven't never eaten before, the sea urchin. >> it's delicious. craig: you're completely wrong. it tastes like someone went to a very dirty part of the ocean and got some of the seabed and put it in a roll. it made me feel very bad. i didn't like it at all. >> did you eat anything live? craig: i can't do that. have you ever eaten that? >> i mean, like a fresh tentacle. like they do at the fish market.

craig: it's not a tentacle that's attached to -- help me, help me! >> they literally cut it off in front of you and serve you and it is still moving about. it's delicious. craig: you are racists! you are judging other people's cultures harshly. when i was in tokyo, i went to the fish market. and it's amazing. >> that's where it happened. craig: i know. it was available to me. i just didn't do it. and there's nothing i'm sure that these guys like seeing better than a middle aged european man going i don't know, i don't know. >> i'm sure they see it all the time. craig: yeah, they see it a lot. i traveled around japan a bit. have you been around there? >> no, i've only been to tokyo. craig: kyoto.

you have to get around there. i'd like to go to korea. your family from the north or south? >> south. craig: i think the north is a little tricky to get in right now. [laughter] >> i don't even think that i've ever met anyone from north korea. craig: they're not getting out either. it's tricky. very tricky. >> it's seldom. craig: you've been to south korea, right? >> yes. plenty. i went on an exchange program when i was younger. my parents sent me to live with this other family for a month. craig: did you speak korean? do you speak korean? >> i wasn't great at the time. craig: you can speak it fluently? >> i can. it is a bit of a hybrid. it's konglish. if i don't know a word in korean, i will say it in english. craig: that's all right. that's all right to me, anyway. >> but to my parents they are like huh. craig: that would probably enrage me if i was them. [laughter] well, we're out of time.

so, "sin city" movie looks good. >> it was an interesting experience. it's pretty wild and it's all in 3d. it's beautiful. craig: it's the only way to see a movie now. it's lovely to see you. we'll be right back, everybody. we'll be right back.

♪ what did we learn on the show tonight, craig? ♪ >> i hate ham. [laughter] craig: cats can't play the bagpipes. can they, geoff?

geoff: no, it's not a real cat. craig: not a real cat. so you know when you're getting ready to say things like, hey, craig, the cat got hurt in the thing at the end. it's not a real cat, it's a photograph of a cat! [laughter] geoff: so take your snow globes and get the hell out of here. [laughter] craig: well said. geoff: thank you. craig: good night, everybody. captioned by the national captioning institute --www.ncicap.org--

it's comics unleashed with your host. tonight byron welcomes adams, mark maris. george wallace.

and charles green. and now, a man who puts the mocha in mocha chocolate latte, byron allen. >> yeah.g;%l whoo.session.3u3 dancing >> what's up? >> all right.

>> all right. we have some very funny people here this evening. say hello to mark marin. george 1 and tom green. oh. >> we're unleashed. >> you're unleashed. >> the comics are unleashed right now. >> unleashed. >> like we're wild animals. >> what's this, i hear you're afraid to leave your house. >> an gore phobic a little bit. bad year. i've been injured. when you get injured you don't leave the house. i broke a couple of ribs a few months ago, i was nearly killed. >> is that right? >> nearly killed by a wave of water. and then i broke my ankle and i haven't left the house in months. now i'm here. when you stay inside for a long period of time, you feel fear when you leave the house. right now looking at you, i'm

afraid. it's not because of anything that you're doing or anything, i just look at you and think it's 1978, i'm 7 years old watching "real people," you know? and you're exactly the same age, you know? like you're a robot or some sort of like a clone of some type. how is that possible? you know what i mean? that you look exactly the same age. everyone else on "real people" is dead, right? all the other hosts are all dead, right? >> i'm not sure. >> skitch helped are son, dead. dead. >> how you doing? >> i was 7 years old too back in 178. >> george, you crazy, man. >> i been crazy all my life. it's good to be crazy. you're not crazy out here in hollywood. >> that's right. everybody in this audience is crazy. if you come to california, you're crazy. that's the bottom line. >> what do you think about these kids today.

>> i grew up in a different era. when we were kids, if we were bad, the parents would tell you the boogeymen is going to get you. these kids today, you tell them the bogeyman, these kids go, i'll bust the boogeyman's ass. 14-year-old boys having sex with the school teacher? what's up with that? and pretty teachers too, pretty teachers, too. what happened to us? i wouldn't have told nobody. >> i never got hit on. no. no. >> well, look at you. >> i grew up in boston. i didn't even get hit on by a priest. i think if you went back to boston wearing that hat, you'd have a little more lucknow. >> but you're talking about the new kids today. actually, i don't understand the young kids today. most of these young kids and you can talk back to your parents. we couldn't talk back to our parents, could we? my parents used to drive us down

to the cemetery. she said junior, this is your plot right here. you can use it now or later but you're not going to be talking back to me up in here. >> that's right. that's right. >> unbelievable. >> you know, time-out. time-out was a smack up side of your head. >> you know what my mama would do? whip your ass and she would take time-out, come back and hit some more. uh-huh. >> time-out was a break for her. >> that's exactly right. >> and you just got married? >> i got married a little while ago. and it's been brought to my attention by my wife, this is a new thing. she says i have an anger problem. but she didn't put it that way. she said i'm leaving. if you don't deal with your anger problem, right? soapy did what everybody does. you got a problem, i went to the bookstore and bought a book on anger management. o cf1 o

that now i have that book. >> once you realize -- >> i just keep bringing it up, byron, because i honestly don't understand. i honestly don't understand how it's possible. mike douglas, dead. okay? steve allan, dead. >> okay. >> 1978 was real people, right? george slater, right? i was born in '71. >> okay. >> 7 years old. i remember watching that. 7 years old watching that. i wanted to do that some day. i want to do that some day. you're out on the streets doing people on streets. you know, this is why we're here right now because of that. >> knock the hell out of him. how is it possible that you don't look a day older? >> i am dick clark's son. >> i lost my hair. >> don't go

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wash after wash. don't take a chance. trust woolite. life as i knew it would never be the same. everything stopped. and i just said, "i'm going to beat this." and that's when i found living beyond breast cancer. purchase a specially marked bottle of pink lemonade 5-hour energy and a portion of the proceeds will help provide survivors like me with a much needed community of support. living beyond breast cancer is a lifeline for so many people. i just love being able to say that i'm living beyond breast cancer. all right. welcome back. george, you're from the south, right. >> of course i'm from the south. everybody's from the south. growing up in the south some stupid habits. like we have a front door and can't use it. you know what i'm talking about, somebody knock on the door.

go around to the back. stupid stuff we did down south. had a set of towels in the bathroom. did you grow up like that? we couldn't even touch them. we had to wipe our hands on the wall. my mama was crazy. >> was she. >> your mama is not crazy? my mama says you're getting on my last nev. i'm thinking why didn't you say something five, six nerves ago. i'm at the end of my rope. well, let go. the last time i'm going to tell you to take that garbage out. well, thank god. i hope she's not watching because she will still whoop my ass. yeah. she would whoop me with those questions. >> i'd love to see that on tv. your mom whooping your ass. >> that's pay per view. mama could whip your ass, too. >> i'd love to do that show.

george's mama whips both our asses. >> starting to feel like jerry springer around here. >> why are these guys allowed to cover their hair, byron. >> i don't know. i'll be honest. i got this hair. i got the most hair out of all of you. i only do this once a year. i grew my beard out over the christmas holidays because over christmas i like to go to malls dressed as jesus. i'll walk through the mall just saying no, no, it wasn't supposed to be about this, people. and if there's a santa at that mall, i'll walk right up to that santa and say listen, fatman, you're just a clown at my birthday party. >> when you were in new orleans? >> my family got wiped out down there and i went down to see them. i let them stay in my house because i'm working in vegas every night. it's been over a year now. and my house finding my dirty

magazines and i love them. they finding everything but a job, god bless them. >> get your ass out of my house. i was down there, i was in china. i recently come back from china. anybody been to china? >> no, i haven't been to china. >> it was wonderful. i talk to people going to be laughing at me because i'm a big tall black man. it's pretty cool. every now and then a woman would come up and say, sex okay, sex okay? the people didn't watch me. going in a department store like they do in beverly hills. they didn't watch me. since they didn't, you know, i -- and you know, what's good about china, you know, i be thinking all the time. you can buy your souvenirs when you get home. >> do you have a sweet tooth? >> i bought halloween candy this year and then i didn't answer the door. do they have support groups for people like that?

i go to the gym. you know why it doesn't work for me. >> whole i'm i'm there i'm thinking what i'm going to eat when i get home. >> today i spent the entire day almost going to the gym. i was going to go. you get into the mode where you look at your watch, i've only got four hours. i don't think i'm going to make it today. >> the food and drug administration should create a force of fat marshals that are on planes. if there's a terrorist thing, they'll jump into action. they should station fat marshals as the like fast food places. if they see a 300 pound person about to digging into sundae, jump into action and go to the table, are we really doing that? are you about to do that in if the guy goes yeah, i'm about to eat this. i'm a fat marshal and i'm legally obliged to knock the fork out of your mouth. it would be a great service to the country. >> we love to eat in this country.

i think the next war will be for cooking oil. we should invade the canola country. who is making that? let's go. >> cooking oil. >> they are. look how fat these kids are getting. i mean if you're years old and a boy, you shouldn't be a c cup. that's all i'm saying. fat lazy little kid. the nap sacks have wheels? your flight attendant wheeling their stuff around. we're going to take a break. we'll be right back. don't rough and dry. along came gold bond, rich, absorbs quickly. legs look healed, healthy. gold bond. ultimate lotion, ultimate skin.

all right. welcome back to comics unleashed. what's the story? do you have identity theft. >> no, here's what i'm afraid of. the government can tap your phones, look at your computers and it's okay. they don't need a warrant. i can't stand people who say hey buddy, you got nothing to hide you got nothing to worry about. i got nothing to hide but i've got a few things i'm ashamed of. i'd rather be ought with a bomb.

i could explain that. i'm going to blow that up. if they downloaded the stuff on my hard drive, i would have to say i didn't know it was a guy at first. >> i want -- it would be fun to go out in the audience like jerry springer, did you ever do that on the show? >> i was looking at, take his crutches away. >> i was looking at them. you guys travel all around the world doing standup comedy. you've been in front of thousands of audiences over the years. is this even a good audience though or -- right. >> all right. >> do we have insurance for that? >> do you guys think it is a good audience? >> it's a great audience. >> what you going

>> where are you guys -- where do you guys get this audience? where do you get these people? >> from the streets. >> i don't know. >> all right. >> getting too lazy as americans. >> yeah, we are. everybody's so -- one friend won't even leave me a message. he goes you saw my name on caller id. why didn't you call me back. i saw your name. that's why i didn't pick it up. i go to the gym. i get distracted because women with these little outfits, how much more attention do they need. skimpy little outfits writing stuff on the tops like sexy or porn star or juicy. what the hell does that mean? am i excited or disgusted?

your ass is juicy? i'm confused. then they catch you looking like they're upset you're like, what are you looking at? you're like i like the font on your ass. what is that roman over there? what is that? >> sorry to interrupt. i want to show everybody this is the future now. you get these casts when you break your leg. then you get a removable one after four weeks that you can take off like a ski boot. no big deal. i thought i'd air it out a little bit. you can see the surgery there that i had. >> how did you hurt yourself? >> i fell off my skate board. yeah, i was jumping over an v-w. >> tom i understand you have a pet peeve about people and their pet names. >> yeah, how -- everyone's got the same. like pumpkin. everyone's calling everyone pumpkin. she's got a boyfriend, calls her

pumpkin and everyone's calling everyone -- it's not even like a good-looking fruit. it's like -- it's disgusting. it's fat and orange and has striations and you smash it on the pavement november 1st after halloween. no girl ever protests? what are you doing call me pumpkin? >> i was going to talk about the stupid commercials. >> oh, yeah. all commercials are stupid. when we break in a few minutes, you're going to see a stupid commercial. you got to see it. they've got a commercial in los angeles. environmentalist concerned about suvs consuming too much energy. their slogan is what would jesus drive. you know me, i be thinking, jesus wos drive a honda. did you know that? if you read the bibles, acts 2 and 1 says we should all be in one accord. >> we're going to take a break. we'll be rightk.