here's some bad news. a florida man playing in the swamp was eaten by a 12-footal gator, but the good news is i just saved a ton of money on my car insurance by switching to geico. say hello to dj ed one! ♪ ♪ very funny people here tonight. dean edwards! [ applause ] [ indiscernible ] >> leslie jones! and rob harris! [ applause ] >> are you enjoying the single life? >> well, you know how -- all the

single ladies in the house say hey! what's up, you lonely bitches! ♪ ♪ >> you know! you know that's how we do it, by. i'm single and when we close that door, we be, like, oh! ! >> did you just celebrate a birthday? >> yea, man, but i don't know about celebrating, but i had one. you know you go out to these restaurants and they're i go out to my buddies and they come out and sing the stupid song to you? >> i go to a restaurant by myself to get cheesecake and sweet tea and i look and i look and my server is over there singing to some 88-year-old

dude. he's old -- he's probably dead at the table. he doesn't know the words to the song. he's 88 and to the other people in the restaurant and i'm waiting on my food and my server is over there singing to your old-ass granddaddy. that's how i see it. and then i get kicked out of applebee's. >> one of your kids just celebrated a birthday, right? >> i have two little girls and whether when you see little girls you realize those are two vaginas you have to worry about, you know? for real! men want son, you know what i mean? every man -- i love my daughters to death. they are soldiers and they hold you down, butsome deep down you're, like, come on little boy so you can take credit for something, man, you know? you have a little boy and he's a good athlete and people are

like, your son's pretty good. where do you think he got that from? all i do is get blamed for how bad they act. i was there when the babies came out and my wife was mad because i didn't watch. my wife was, like, why didn't you watch? that's too much information. you never had problems rummaging around. she used the word "rummaging," like it's a luggage rack. i found it! it's here somewhere! and those babies, man, you see them come out and your whole world changes because my wife was screaming, get it out! two and two! and the baby came out and, you know, you see that child come out and she's screaming at the top of her lungs you realize she been lying to you for a long time. my daughter came out 6 pounds, 14 ounces, i guarantee there

ain't a man in here 6 pounds, 14 ounces. i ain't doing no damage. i was there rummaging, don't try to -- [ applause ] >> denzel washington. >> hey, you're watching "comics unleashed" with the man, the myth. stay tuned for more! we'll be right back, don't go away. away. for more america, i've learned that when you ask someone in texas if they want "big" savings on car insurance, it's a bit like asking if they want a big hat...

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all right. welcome back to comics unleashed. now, are you from birmingham? >> birmingham, alabama. >> all right. >> i love my hometown, but it is one of the most nondiverse places. we haven't gotten our first shipment of mexicans yet. i want some diversity.

it's like what sucks is in some parts of america, you know, like black people hate on latinos. that makes no sense to me, you know? i got home boys, all the reason the latinos get right is because what black folks did in the civil rights movement. which is true. but that's the point, civil rights movement. how are you going to get jealous? the i have a dream speech was for all races.

>> let me ask you something. is it always the man's fault? >> no. let me let you know something, ladies, about men. they have a don't give a damn chip installed right here. it's activated as soon as you open up your mouth, okay? you know, as women we hold on to stuff too long. i went out with this guy for three years. great guy, great relationship. he cheated on me. i forgave him. you know we don't forget about that. every time we got into an argument, i brought it right back up. he couldn't get away with nothing. you know we out of cookies? what? did that bitch eat them cookies? [ cheers and applause ] [ laughter ] you only eat cookies with me. i'm the only cookie eater here

in the house. >> you talking about a good marriage? i heard you was thinking about getting marriage. >> marriage is really nothing more than two people who just agree on a bunch of stuff. that's all any relationship is. you go to church? yeah, i go to church too. okay. well, do you watch movies? yeah, i like movies do. let's have sex. okay. can i really promise to agree with you forever? i can't do that. i don't even know if i like "csi: miami" or "csi: new york." >> i heard you were a big fan of rappers in movies. >> they're doing a "bad boys 3," but they're not bringing back martin lawrence and will smith. they're talking about having y jay-z in there. it's going to be miserable.

jay-z going to be all, how crazy is that? they got guns and everything. denzel washington, oh, you said you want to be actors? don't you come in here and lie to me! and chris rock is the director. cut, cut! what are y'all doing? what the hell are y'all doing? jay-z and 50 cent, 50 and jay, hold up, wait a minute! how the hell you get beyonce with those big ass lips? >> all right. we're going to take a break. we'll be right back. don't go away. ale announcer ] ye

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all right. welcome back to comics unleashed. hot chocolate. what's the deal here?

how come you're still single? >> because i got a bad attitude. ladies, what you have realized is whatever you give out is what you get back. so if you attracting men who ain't crap, guess what? you ain't crap. i had to figure out, why am i attracting crazy men? [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> on career day, they never presented failure as an option. i actually got kicked out of a career day. back home in birmingham, got kicked out after career day because i told everybody the truth. look, i know you want to be rich and famous, but the truth is only two or three of you are going to make it. everybody's not going to be

rich. somebody has to make the hamburgers. let's be real. you have a career day with a doctor, paramedic. i'm pretty sure a 14-year veteran stripper has things to share. but you're not married to your degree. if you get a degree in something you don't like, you don't have to do it. this is america. do whatever you like. slap somebody quick. go make some money. apparently that's the wrong message for a room full of sixth graders. i propose to my wife seven, eight years in. one, because i wanted to get a nice ring. women say, if you love me, just

propose. that sounds good on paper. where's the ring? oh, that's on layaway. no man is like, i'm finally getting married. men look like they've been kidnapped. we look suspicious. you just stand there like. you look and see all your friends in the audience like ha-ha-ha! >> we got to take a break. we'll be right back. don't go away. reusable haircolor. new preference mousse absolue. one push automatically mixes pure color dyes. easy to apply, to retouch roots, or use again. for luminous color. brilliant shine. new preference mousse absolue

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♪ all right. welcome back to "comics unleashed." hot chocolate. i heard you think senior citizens have their own rules. >> oh, yea. old people do what they want, when they want and how they want it, man. any time gi in the bank i realize we all have to wait in line at the bank. old people just going for it. i've seen old people stand at the door and size up the people waiting in line, they're, like, i can make it. and they just decide -- you ever seen someone walk in the bank and as soon as they see people they get older and they will cut the line. most people will give them the look like oh, he's old. he's going to die soon. black women ain't letting nobody cut the line. >> no. >> factually. sister is going -- she will read you -- she could be the 15th

person in the back of the line and watch she's, like, yea, girl, anyway, i've got ten minutes left -- oh, no, he didn't. hold up. hold up. excuse me, the line starts right here. >> you ever seen sisters? you always have krispy kreme in your teeth. you're, like -- excuse me! excuse me, boo! okay. all right. they get everybody else in the bank, so you all going to let that happen, right? nobody going to say anything? you'll just let him slide up. there's always one nosy dude in the line. let him go, i mean, he's old. >> oh okay, let me explain to me, this is an a and b conversation and c your way out

of it and then the old dude turn around, like, she told me to come back to his window when i finished filling out my form! ahh! now she feel like a fool and don't know what to say oh, cause, what kind of shoes are those? >> my favorite person in my family is my grandfather. my grandfather is over 100 years old. >> is that right? >> yea. yea. yea. yea. my grandfather lived to be 103. >> yea. >> and they cried and it's cool and i just tell him, stand up and all that, but my grandfather had a lot of jobs and -- i was in the war! who was in the war, you or me?

i was! better respect older people, that's what you've got to do! that's what i'm trying to tell you. my wife, she respect me to the utmost, and i love her -- she died. she's with jesus. he came and got her! we used to sit on the porch drinking lemonade! lemonade give me the runs, i can't run that fast! >> but i love everybody. i love my grandson, he's a good boy. my grand daughter is sweet as butter. she called the other day and she said pop, pop, can you get me a car with your pension money? i said who are you talking to? >> give him a round of applause. oh, man. i had a great time. i want to thank you for joining

us. until next time, keep laughing! ♪ ♪ ♪

this has been

♪ >> from the cbs broadcast center in philadelphia this is cbs-3 "eyewitness news". >> you knew you did not have the funds and it was paid for illegal you shouldn't have accepted no new students at all. >> emotioning run high. parents desperate for answers as hundreds of children are now in need of a new school.

developing tonight, a son of vice-president joe biden discharged from the military after testing positive for drugs. >> but first, video just in tonight intimate lookup side the hospital room of the first dallas nurse infected with ebo ebola. tonight nina pham sends a message to the world about her fight against that potentially deadly virus. in fact there are several new developments surrounding ebola in the united states. good evening, i'm chris may. >> i'm natasha brown. jessica is off. until now, we have only seen her in photos but tonight we go into her hospital room. >> nina pham the nurse what is fighting ebola wants the world to see the video that we're about to show you. her physician dr. gary weinstein recorded the conversation just before she was flown to maryland for additional treatment.

>> quite a moment inside that hospital room just a short time ago. nina pham arrived in maryland. she'll on treatment inside an isolation unit at the national institutes of health. earlier her fellow nurses gathered outside that hospital in dallas as she left. they cheered. they held signs and they wished her well. meantime, in washington, the president said tonight he is not ideologically approveideologicao banning travel from west africa. but he said experts he's spoken with say it would be counter productive. >> well philadelphia's readiness for the ebola virus was top of mind for the city's top leader today's. >> city firefighters among those talking with city council today. they showed council members protecprotective suits that medd