[laughter] craig: my apologies to jack mcgee. he was meant to be on the show tonight, but he isn't, but he will be back tomorrow. he is going to come back tomorrow and be on the show tomorrow. geoff: ha ha ha. ha ha ha. craig: excuse me. shut up! shut up!

your host, byron

♪ and now, the man whose lips move when he listens to books on tape, byron allen. [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you. thank you very much. it's very kind of you. lots going on. geography masters from the u.s. are competing with their british counterparts in the geography world cup. apparently the only thing these guys can't locate is a limit. [ laughter ] i love this. a wichita man was arrested after telling police he'd been robbed of a pound of marijuana. apparently after he smoked the

other pound. [ laughter ] a korean scientist cloned the first female dog. yeah. the korean scientist called the dog a modern miracle and delicious. [ laughter ] say hello. [ cheers and applause ] all right. welcome to comics unleashed hot chocolate and it is going to get hot in here tonight. say hello to joe [ cheers and applause ] cocoa brown. [ cheers and applause ] just got back from vacation? >> yeah, man. i was on a cruise, man. it's great. i was on a cruise.

the first time i've been on a cruise in my life. and it had to be a ghetto cruise. it was like ask you for food stamp. my next door neighbor had all their clothes hanging out. i wanted to ask the captain, i hope they aren't back to africa movement -- i ain't like too much chicken bones all in the swimming pool anyway. [ laughter ] >> oh, byron, everything's going cool. got rid of this roommate i had for a while. i'm really cool. i got a bad roommate. i had a bad roommate. first of all, my roommate didn't work. i'm coming home and this dude's just sitting in my house. then he starts eating my food. i'm coming home this dude is just -- and i'm like, man. one day i come home and this dude is eating and got my clothes on. you know black people, we don't

go for that. we don't put my clothes on. you don't work, you're in my clothes and eating my food, you're about to get out my house. he done look at me and said, daddy, i'm 15, what you want me to do? [ laughter ] >> i notice you haven't been getting good customer service. uh-oh. >> you know how it is out here. you call customer service anywhere, you'll never get the person that understands what you're talking about. i mean, i went to pay my sprint bill the other day over the phone, you ever do that? oh, my god. the computer come on so polite. thank you for calling sprint. for english press one, for [ inaudible ] . and number three, i don't know what it was. i was like i'll press one. why the fool come on the line even come up thank you for

calling sprint, may i help you? wait a minute, man, i pressed one. he was like, yes. i'm like that ain't no english. [ laughter ] that's mumbo jumbo sprinkled on top. you're going to have me paying somebody else's stuff. put me back on with the computer. [ laughter ] why the computer hasn't ever been the brother's friend either. thank you for calling sprint. if you wish to pay $100, please say $100. i'm like a ghetto brother, hundred dollars. [ laughter ] computer like, sorry, i did not understand that. if you wish to pay $100, please

say one hundred dollars. hundred dollars. [ laughter ] i'm still having trouble -- [ laughter ] >> oh, we got to take a break. we'll be right back. don't go away. ugh. does your carpet ever feel rough and dirty? don't avoid it. resolve it. our new formula with a special conditioning ingredient softens your carpet with every use. because it's resolve, you know it cleans and freshens, but now it also softens. so your carpet is always inviting. resolve. a carpet that welcomes you.

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welcome back to "comics unleashed." hot shocker. favorite show, favorite players. >> i'm going out for the show next year because i'm realizing these chicks are coming out of nowhere and becoming stars for kissing him. i'm like, i'm going to take one for the team. all i got to do is kiss flavor? sure. i'll take one for the team. you can put the cameras in the bedroom. i will give it to him. yeah, boyee. coming out of nowhere saying -- and i'm thinking, you know, that's all i got to do. and ain't going to lie, i'll go out for it, but i'm probably going to become a heroin addict. every time they say you have a date with flavor, i'm going to

be like hold up. [ laughter ] all right. i'm ready. [ laughter ] >> i had some girls thinking they kiss me and turn into favorite princess. kiss the frog and he'll turn into your favorite prince. [ laughter ] >> that's a compliment. >> who thought he'd be a sex symbol? >> to who? >> today's chicks. >> i diss tv and everybody and this show isn't in hd -- who do you like to listen to? >> man, i like all kinds of music. i'm an old school brother. i like the old school, i like the new school too, but there's nothing like the old school. you know, like when you hear the

spinners. you remember spinners? >> yeah. >> oh, my goodness. like my man said you're name, byron -- [ laughter ] you know what i'm saying? you put mr. bigs, if he did your theme, oh -- la da da da and then break it [ laughter ] i got to get them cd. but i love old school. but i love it all. i listen to hip hop. so many rappers i listen to. you know how it is, you think

you know all the words and you don't. we'll be listening to a song and be like it don't go like that and you'll be like this is my car. i'm going to sing it the way i know. it listened to snoop one day. drop it like -- that's all i know in that song. drop it like it's hot. don't get mad at me. but think about it. we have singers back in the day that you didn't understand. like michael mcdonald. i love michael mcdonald. >> yeah. >> just think if he did the theme to this show. >> yeah. >> you don't know what he's saying. let it be the >> that's flavor. we'll be right back with more.

to find out how to be part to find out how to be part ofale announcer ] you'll love that selsun blue is tough on dandruff. and she'll love that it's gentle on your hair. selsun blue invigorates your scalp and moisturizes your hair. bring on the blue.

welcome back. you've been trying to improve your health? >> yeah, well, you got to, man. health insurance is ridiculous. you go to hospital and you don't got health insurance, i was lying at first and said i didn't know the name of my insurance. they were like, this shows you have -- look right here. i said the rock. the one with the rock on it. prudential rock with the metlife and the snoopy on top of it. [ laughter ] okay. what kind of pain do you have? i said it's a pain-pain. what do you mean? let me tell you something, lady, you are a pain -- [ laughter ] you tell me what kind of pain you're having.

it's a pain i walk myself in this house. i hate going to the doctor. i went in for a chest cold one time and he was like, what's the problem? i said i got a chest cold. he's like lay on your stomach and let me check your anal cavity. i said wait a minute. my chest right here. [ laughter ] why you got to -- let me see your id. do you work here? can i at least stick the finger in? [ laughter ] in that case you should be in a different profession.

>> oh, man. tell me your pet peeve. >> right now, one of my pet peeves, this is my pet peeve, i feel like i'm old, byron. i remember when $1.98 was high for gas. i remember that. remember you would pull up to a gas station and you see $1.98 and you go, oh, that's way too high and you would pull out. gas is so high now that if you see gas that's $2.40 -- $2.40, you go crazy. you get on the phone and call somebody. y'all better get down here right now. $2.40. as a matter of fact, it's $2.38 across the street. i'm going across the street because it's $2.38. i remember when you didn't ask people for gas money. you didn't ask your friends for gas money because you're a butt hole if you ask for gas money. if you say i need some gas money, i'm like i'm not giving you no gas money.

we're going to the same place. shut up and drive. [ laughter ] but now gas $2.50, $2.60, i tell people don't even buckle up when they get in my car. no, don't buckle up. i'm going to need you to go in that water plant -- yeah, you too, grandma. [ laughter ] >> let me ask you something, what do you think it would be like if we had music superstars do it? >> that would be fabulous. the news nowadays it's so depressing. don't you hate watching the news? they got to report it. the first five minutes is depressing. bank robbery, car chase, i figure if i got to hear it every night, i want somebody to sing to me. maybe prince. instead of saying good evening welcome to the 10:00 news a 24-year-old man was shot and killed today, let it be

a 25-year-old man got shot last night. [ laughter ] >> we're going to take a break. we'll be right back with more "comics unleashed." to find out how to be part of our studio old and flu season, we'll fight back at the first sign of sick. no more feeling coughy, mucusy...just...yucky. whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. is this about me? ♪

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unleashed." >> i guess the holidays right now, my man, you know, my favorite holiday's thanksgiving myself. i don't really dig christmas. christmas is not my holiday. baby jesus, happy birthday. but everything else, you know, because i never get that for christmas. my mama buy me like a pair of underwear and she's like try them on because i'll take them back if they don't fit. be like, eew, you don't take them back with my stuff all over them. >> society caught up too much on appearances? >> i think so. the whole thing, the victoria's secret models, don't get me wrong, i love it, but it ain't for me. if you're in the gym trying to get all skinny to look like them, stop. you know what i'm saying?

i don't understand why they want us to be skinny. why you want to rub up against your woman and start a fire because she's too skinny? >> be giving that statement to anybody because some places if you live too big, slow down -- the keyword is halt. [ laughter ] don't be wearing no sandals because you got all that meat pushing through them straps look like you're walking on two cinnamon biscuits. ain't wrong with being big, but be big and be conservative. [ laughter ] >> you're a big sports fan. >> yeah. i like all kind of sports. i like football. i like hockey. but i think hockey a racist sport with the white dudes with

sticks chasing a little bitty black puck. but that big blackball going after the white pants, you know the white pants and the red necks. i like a lot of sports. i like fishing. that's my favorite. i want to be the second black pro-bass fishermen in the world. >> is that right? >> yeah, man, i love fishing, man. but i ain't going to be like them shows where they let the fish go back. get me so coleslaw. you can't do that. i did it. it's over. >> all right. give them a round of applause. [ cheers and applause ] >> before we go, give me a little hendricks. >> you want some hendricks? >>

[ laughter ] >> i had a blast. until next time, keep laughing. thank you.

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