judd: this panel is so hot. hold on. let me take a picture. maria. you have never met lena before. >> no, we just met downstairs. lena: i'm a long time fan. >> that is -- kind. lena: she had a couple of sandwiches. i'm like that is my kind of lady. >> had some cuban sandwiches. judd: your parents are here. >> yes they are. i don't know where they are being kept, but they are super pumped. judd: do they love coming to things like this? >> yes, i think so. i think they are very proud and free food i think is the primary draw. lena: your impression of your mom is one of the best things going. >> yes, well, it is true. she is always trying to give me piece of jewelry like she is

about to -- just take this. just take this. just go ahead and take it. i don't need it. it's fine. just take it. i love my mother. judd: and now are you engaged? >> yes, i am fully engaged! [applause] i'm in no way smug. ha ha ha. because we don't know what we're doing. it could be falling apart as we speak. we have been together over a year. stay on target! having a lot of sex. a lot of sex. [applause] motions and potions and jams and jellies and sauces and salsas and soups and hustle bustle, hammer anvil, hammer anvil. nothing has been consummated. judd: is your mom excited about you getting married? >> she is very excited.

i didn't understand that chairs had to be dressed and wear outfits. you know how they have to have sashes and -- lena: it is going to be a big wedding? >> well, 150. we're having it at an event center. if you get bored with our wedding you can head over to the korean family reunion. it is a bar mitzvah or whatever you want to go see. lena: your ring is very nice. >> thank you very much. we got it off -- >> my boyfriend made a rule. too many deranged things showing up in our mailbox. judd: i know that lena has some o.c.d. issues here and there. wasn't there one, lena where you had to lick the wall in your apartment? lena: i had to lick a bunch of different things. there were different once -- ones depending on my age. none of them were i have to organize my socks or make my room look perfect. it was like i have to crawl

around on my floor and snort dust for 18 minute or my mom will die. that kind of thing. >> i have things attached to death. if i keep my ice trace full no one will die. if i clench my fists at odd intervals, the darkness won't let me do anything inappropriately, violent or sexual at dinner parties. lena: o.c.d. and tourette's are linked. the same chromosome. i went to a middle school for people with issues. one day there was a nice old man walking down the street and i smiled at him and he unleashed with words i sanity say on les moonves' network. it is all his. then the o.c.d. started to be in order to prevent tourette's. >> you have to prevent it from happening. you have to sit on your hands. stay inside.

isolate yourself. >> i used to sit in school like this. judd: you know what mine is? when i watch tv, i have to flick my toes and count the syllables and it has to end on an even note. that is not annoying. is it? that's true. >> if it doesn't happen, what are you worried is going to happen? judd: nothing. i just got to do it. >> farley was a licker too. chris farley everywhere we went was licking everything. went out to dinner, 20 of us went to a big dinner. we are all walking and talking and he goes -- because he was licking a bunch of things. he goes you just got to give me a minute. i was like ok, buddy. i saw him run back like 100 feet and lick a mailbox. then he came back. lena: i'm going to tell you something i never told anyone. one of my o.c.d. thing's at as a child was force myself to have sex with chris farley.

in increments. in eighths. to avoid having sex with chris farley. big fan. big fan! judd: it seems like a game. maria, can you top it? >> oh, my gosh. let me see. lena: that is not a lie, what i said to you. >> if you do something or if you hum or sing a song, i won't turn gay. judd: what song doesn't turn you gay? >> it doesn't matter. just keep it coming. just whatever it is. judd: ♪ ledo missed the boat that day he left the shack ♪ >> then i won't lunge at anyone. lena: is that your fear turning gay? probably you were not that stared of turning gay. >> it was the idea. it was more like acting out sexually toward anything.

not anything, anybody. lena: you're ok. it is a safe space. judd: i think maria won. maria bamford, everybody! go see maria at the lobero theater in santa barbara on march 1. in santa barbara. we'll be right back.

[applause] judd: i would like to thank my friends, adam sandler and lena dunham. maria bamford. you can watch "girls" on hbo sunday nights, and don't forget

maria bamford at the lobero theater on march 1. santa barbara. i'm at largo on monday. i'll be here tomorrow for my sad goodbye. all right.

it's "comics unleashed" with your host

byron allen. and now the undisputed heavy weight champion, byron allen! all right. welcome to "comics unleashed"! [ cheers and applause ] say hello to my man.

[ cheers and applause ] some very funny people here >> right now i'm celebrating. i just became an american citizen. >> congratulations. >> thank you so much. it was so cool. after i was sworn in the judge said congratulations. what are you going to do now? i'm like i'm going to be the next governor of california. >> your parents come as well? >> my parents are back home. they are both medical doctors. it is not a big deal to be a doctor in turkey.

>> wedding anniversary? >> she is trying to kill me because i don't go into the ocean. the last salt water i swam in involved an amniotic sac. did i go too far? you can go really far down into the ocean. my wife is like you can go as deep as 300 meters. wouldn't my head implode? i have asked a lot of people the secret. the secret is compromise. i guess it works out. sometimes you got to do what she wants to do and other times you get to do what she needs to do. so it works out.

all last year sweet new tv, one of the big screens. and it's too expensive. she let me get the 60 inch plasma screen i was looking for. as a compromise i'm allowed to watch, nothing! she has the remote control all the time and keeps it here. puts it back in. watches her women networks lifetime oxygen ovary, whatever they are called. she puts it where i can't get it like on the top of the fridge. oh man. my wife will say do you remember what i was wearing when we met? no. and you get in trouble when you

don't remember. >> i have been traveling a lot and seeing places like i have never seen before like the south. they told me but i never realized it. when i go into town i try to find where the brothers are. when we are in the south it is small towns and not a lot of black people. when you find where they are out go. i am in a town we go to the mall looking for brothers. i didn't find many but i found groups of pregnant white girls. i said they probably got some brothers around here somewhere. >> are you a couch potato? >> i watch tv all the time. i was watching where they starve these animals and make them fight each other. it's called "america's next top

model." >> traveling around. i hate flying. flying sucks. you have to take off your shoes because of the shoe bomber and you can't have liquids because of the liquid bomber. we are going to take a break. we will be right back with more "comics unleashed." for more laughs go to you forgot the milk! that's lactaid®. right. 100% real milk just without the lactose. so, no discomfort? exactly. try some... mmm, it is real milk. lactaid®. 100% real milk. no discomfort.

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does your family miss you at home? >> i don't think so. i don't miss them. my whole family is thousands of miles away. >> are you dating? >> when you are dating in the middle east you hear the same lines. they are like look at you. get in my cab. my boyfriend in istanbul was a rap artist. he gets on the stage and he

screams! can i get a --! wave your hands in the air like you just don't care! >> you like living in california? >> i do but especially in hollywood it is hard to be in hollywood when there are impossibly good looking people around. i am a small guy. you can change and fix and disguise. if you have bad teeth you can get braces. if you are heavy you can get liposuction. you can get rich. i met my wife at a dance club. she is like i don't dance with

short guys. i tell her i'm not short, i'm far away. she fell for it. she fell for it. i shop at the big and tall stores. i just go to freak the clerks out. i go to the racks like where is my size. the people behind the counter are like does he know? and then they are on the phone. >> you been working out? >> working out is not my thing. i look like i work out but nothing works the way it is supposed to. i go to the gym. i use the water fountain and the scale. >> what was your dad like?

>> my dad was a huge player. i would be like straight as and he would be like double ds. my dad would tell me sleep with casting directors. i'm like most are guys. he says take one for the team. we are going to take a break and be right back with more "comics unleashed." don't go away. for more laughs go to

welcome back to "comics unleashed." did you perform overseas? >> there is a lot overseas. i got to meet the chinese olympic team. the guy i was cheering for didn't make it to the olympics. he was a chinese high diver that

stands three stories above the pool and falls in. his name was lee ping. you cannot write comedy that good. wouldn't it be convenient if all athletes corresponded to the events. on the pole vault, jum ping. and now figure skating champion tu gay guy. my boyfriend is like any other guy. he is like i have known you for five years. why don't you call me your sugar daddy? i'm like because you don't have

money. you are my nutra sweet daddy. female male with a fee. this is not for free this is land of the free and home of the brave so pay up. >> you big on television? >> i learn everything on tv. relationships start from mtv. when my boyfriend yells at me i say stay in the car like the little bitch you are. >> i have been to japan. you want to go somewhere fun go to japan just understand it is very different because they have like a lot of japanese people there. i thought they all lived here in

west l.a. you go there and you can have fun. i can be you in japan. they ain't going to know. i live in japan i was charles barkley for three weeks. you guys are a good crowd. i live in texas and i made fun of nascar and that was a big mistake because this guy tried to run me over with his house. there i was in africa for the military. there were poisonous snakes and sergeant was like they are as afraid of you as you are of them. they made a movie about them on

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welcome back to "comics unleashed." >> i hate politics. the government will distract you with a shiny object and take the problems and relabel them hoping you don't notice. we have crime and poverty. did we fix it? you know what we got?

and the government will change stuff. somebody told me that gambling is a disease. obesity is an epidemic. no it's not. if obesity was an epidemic a fat guy would cough on you and you could go -- you have to call your boss and be like i can't make it, i got the fat. your boss would be like you know how many sick days you have used up this week. you happy to be here in america? >> i am so very happy to be here. it is oppressive for females in

the middle east. you have to wear a long black sheet. it makes them look like ninjas. it's kind of a disgrace to our gender gender. i hate black sheep. i have had it up to here. before i start dancing let me slip into something much more comfortable. there. and you know what i don't like. why do they cover the female? [ applause ] >> how messy is your place? >> i have clothes all over my apartment. i brought a date home and she is like you have been

robbed. one time i had a date over and a mouse ran across the floor and i am like don't worry. they eat the roaches. you ever clean your place and find things you haven't seen in years? i found topanga from "boy meets world." you like living alone? >> i do. it is hard. relationships are tough. they really are. my friends are like you have sex all the time. but with the same girl. it's like having an ipod with one song. i know that song. it's really hard. to me a girlfriend is like communism. it is great in theory. i got dumped by e-mail one time. you are not right for me if you

don't forward this to ten people you will die. i got caught cheating in the worst way. i have this new iphone. i don't know how to work it. it is ringing on silent and i am kissing this girl and the girl i'm kissing is like i want to have sex right now and the phone picks up and i hear from my pocket i bet you do you who are are. i turn around and there is the verizon guy with the entire network. >> give them a round of applause! that was a lot of fun. thanks for hanging out with us. until next time, keep watching.

"ride away" (by roy orbison begins to play) ♪ i ride the highway... ♪ ♪ i'm going my way... ♪ ♪i leave a story untold... ♪ he just keeps sending more pictures...

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the wintry weather stakes a claim on skpring. despite the challenge, millions will get another dose of snow. amid tensions with the white house. israeli prime minister benjamin netanyahu reverses course on his fiery campaign rhetoric of rejecting a palestinian state. taking flight. amazon gets approval from the faa to test its drone delivery system. three seconds go. takes it all the way. that's going to count. >> and after a wild first full day of action in the ncaa tournament, more madness is on tap for today. >> r.j. hunter for three! scores!