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[applause] reggie: one, two, three, four, five, six send in snepped james: welcome back. we had a switch. nice little trade here. nice little switch.

now, mel, you have got your famed hand prints outside the t.c.l. chinese theater. i noticed something very funny which i think is absolutely brilliant. can anyone -- mel: it is an honor. put your hands and feet in the chinese cement with hedy lamar. that's big honor. james: but what i love here is that you have added an extra finger to your hand just here, even doing bits. look. we have a picture of you here with the finger that you added to your hand. just here. i love it. it is one of the funniest things. jerrod: so subtle. mel: imagine somebody from kansas saying margaret, am i crazy? mel brix brooks, is that six

fingers? i want to hang around here at night and wait for people to for kansas to see that. james: it is so funny. it really is. jerrod, you're a huge star. your own show on nbc. [applause] does this come with perks? is there a lady in your life at the moment? do you have a girlfriend at the moment? jerrod: i don't have a girlfriend. mel: do you like quiche? james: oh, no. don't get him on quich. jerrod: i'm afraid of being a boyfriend. mel: listen. you're ok. if you happen to be jewish -- jerrod: ok. r mel: and you went out with a jewish lady and you both get drunk and you did it, you would have to be buried with her. [applause] you would have to be buried. that is one night. jerrod: one night? mel: that's why you never get

drunk with a jewish girlfriend because they are very serious about the relationship. james: you're not. right? you don't want a relationship. jerrod: i'm terrified of the thought. the fact that i would have to be buried only adds to the fear. james: why are you scared of a girlfriend? jerrod: because i don't want to lose my identity and become a boyfriend. i've seen it happen. i've lost a lot of friends to being boyfriends. james: you don't know what you're talking about. you think it is something. wait until you have got one of these on. then you know. then you know. jerrod: that is what it is supposed to lead to. you have seen "happy." mel: it starts jerrod, we're late. i'm just talking to my friend friendy. jerrod, we're late. jerrod: i'm terrified of any

girl that says i'm late. [applause] mel: he is making me the straight man. james: you did! you just made mel brooks your straight man! incredible! we were just talking about -- i couldn't believe you were so busy writing your show that you still gig every night. jerrod: you have to. you have to do it. i can't stay away. you know what? i think of it in the shower. i think this would just alienate a roomful of people. i have got to get out there and do it. james: do you bum? jerrod: if you're trying something new as a comic, you're just walking that edge, you're going to have nights where just -- you do random -- i have done like retirement homes. places that just don't want to -- i heard a woman who was

sitting front row in a pretire friend, i'm glad we didn't have to pay for this. james: recently, it said -- it was reported that president obama, that "blazing saddles" is his favorite movie. [applause] that must feel pretty incredible, right? mel: it was the kennedy center honors. you get to meet the president. it was incredible. i forgot that he was the president, you know? i'm throwing yeah, lift up your pants. they are on the floor. i'm doing schtick to the president. and he says mel, i'll trying to say nice things about you. it was so amazing. he was very, very personal and very nice. he put his arm around me and

said sorry about the loss of my wife. it was really quite beautiful. james: what a beautiful thing. beautiful thing. reggie, do you have a question for any of our guests this evening? reggie: yes. jerrod: they see coolest person i've ever seen. james: have you ever seen anyone that cool? jerrod: i want to wear sunglasses indoors. james: these are some new shades you're rocking tonight, reggie. i have to say i approve. reggie: thanks. these are prescription. mel: are you going to ask? is it always for the two of you? reggie: i'll do the two of you if you want. james: who did you want to single out? mel: single somebody out. reggie: i got it. tonight's featured question goes to --[drum roll] jerrod. in the movie "spaceballs" were

you ever worried that some futuristically minded car company would utilize elements of classifying versions of speed faster than light as modeses of speed for the car? mel: how the hell did you know that? this -- elon musk who created, you know the tesla. they were interviewing him and they said next year's tesla we're going to actually go to ludicrous speed. you know? how the hell? it is amazing that you knew that. i just said -- i'm going to sue you unless -- unless you have the goodness to deliver one of those electric cars to my house.

jerrod: well, well, i will say reggie, i think you have my answer. james: ladies and gentlemen, mr. mel brooks and jerrod carmichael! can you believe it? they are on their feet. stick around. we'll be right back. reggie: ♪ danger, danger get your fiber. more eo try phillips' fiber good gummies plus energy support. it's a new fiber supplement that helps support regularity and includes b vitamins to help convert food to energy. mmmmm, these are good! nice work, phillips! the tasty side of fiber, from phillips'. billy, qualified bank of america customers get 25% or more bonus rewards on eligible credit cards, so could you sing the word "more" 25 times? 25 times? just take a deep breath. what if he sings it only 24 times 'cause then he doesn't have to take such a deep breath?

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reggie: ♪ [applause]

james: next week, marcia gay harden, fred savage and patricia arquette will be here. reggie, take us home! reggie: ♪ james: thank you. [captioning performed by the national captioning institute, which is responsible for its caption content and accuracy. visit ncicap.org] reggie: ♪ one day james: see you next week. mwah! ♪ sometimes yeah

sometime i want to -- oh, oh, oh ♪ [applause] reggie: ♪

it's planet unleashed with your host byron allen. tonight byron hosts johnny sanchez,sleapburg, and mario! and now a man whose fine as a

picture of tyra banks, byron allen! >> yes! let's do it. yeah. all right! say hello fc >> all right, welcome to comics unleashed. say hello to an. >> hi! >> johnny sanchez! mario joyner! and carol leaper! mario, how's your family doing? >> good, good, real good. i've got a bunch of brothers and sisters and i took a cross-country trip to visit my family and everyone's been

telling me, take a cross-country trip and i did it. i used one of those magellan road mates, gps that actually talks to you. fantastic. if you have $600 and own a car, get yourself one of these. you cannot get lost. i tried to get lost. it was improbable. the funny thing is, magellan, it's named after the spanish explorer that was accredited to be the first pirn to circumstance um navigate the earth. most people don't know that, but magellan was killed halfway through that trip in the philippines. killed in the philippines. the trip that made him famous, total disaster. so if anybody could have used the magellan is magellan, is the point i'm trying to make. >> you come from a greek family, right? >> i am greek. >> is that right? >> greek people are -- no secret i'm a big queen. i'm gay gay gay gay gay. somebody just said, you owe me $5 over here. but i've got to tell you, my mom says to me, you know, there are

no gay greeksrates plato, socrs. she said, achilles wasn't gay. mom, the man broke a heel and died! that's gay. >> are you third generation here? >> yeah. i'm third generation mexican. so i'm a little watered down, man. i'm like -- some are saying, you're a sellout, no. >> pluto and plato played together. >> you know, you and i were chatting about making airline reservations. >> oh, my god. i am only making reservations now online because i called last week, i was on hold for 25 minutes. and then when you finally get somebody, you can't help but want to mess with their heads.

record locator? k, like in the word knee, p like in pneumonia, and w like in the word whore! >> yes, that will get you the back seat right by the bathroom. you been flying around? >> yeah. what's happening to the security? i hadn't flown for two months. i went to the airport, and they're confiscating our toiletries when you get on the plane now because i guess they think somehow astro glide and nitro glycerin have the same consistency. >> we all know that, by the way. >> y'all don't know what astro glide is? >> i know whoo astro glide is! >> they do, too. >> you been hanging out in las vegas? >> oh, my god, i love las vegas so much. i just got to headline one of

the big casinos. you know how you get your name on the marquee in the light? i haven't ever seen that so we parked across the street on las vegas boulevard. i swear right before it got to me it said $150,000 bj competiti competition. i thought, i could win that! and then my friend told me it stood for blackjack. and i thought, foiled again! >> we've got to take a break. don't go away. we'll be right back. >> announcer: for more hey, you forgot the milk! that's lactaid. right. 100% real milk, just without the lactose. so you can drink all you want... ...with no discomfort? exactly. here, try some...

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the gillette mach 3 turbo still feels better after 10 shaves than a disposable on it's first. mach 3 blades have twice the coatings. for a closer shave with zero redness. get an incredible experience shave after shave after shave. gillette. the best a man can get. all right, welcome back to comics unleashed. we are unleashed. mario, what's going on with your dating life? >> fantastic. i just turned 45. i was real nervous about turning 45 because i'm supposed to be going through a midlife crisis but it doesn't feel like it because i have two houses, a new car and i'm dating women half my age. it feels like a midlife christmas as far as i can see. it's only a crisis if you can't pull it off. >> dating younger women, huh?

>> fantastic. i would recommend everybody to date someone half your age. >> don't do this if you're 32. >> yeah. >> you've got to wait. >> cut it in half. once you hit 45. >> you're completely safe. but the funny thing is, i'm not a thug and young women like thugs. you ask a woman why they like thugs, they can't explain it. you know, you want to be with someone who can handle themselves if somebody starts something. what they don't know is the thugs are the ones starting things. >> you get shot because you're dating a thug. >> right. >> what was your childhood like? >> my childhood? i miss being a kid, man. i think we had a lot of fun with toys and everything. the toys were dangerous when we grew up. now they're thoroughly tested by the manufacturers. i think growing up some of us were the ones testing the toys if you think about it. i mean, like slip n slide was so dangerous because it started on

the grass but always ended on the sidewalk for some reason. we're sliding on the cement and your dad is looking out the window, that's a skin graft right there. i mean, the problem with kids today is also, a lot of the parents want to keep their kids babies. i don't know if you've noticed this. they keep them way too long in the stroller. i saw this kid in the stroller and his feet were dragging. he had a diaper on and i could see his pubic hair. i thought, this is ridiculous! come on! >> it's true. people just -- i would like to have kids, but i'm afraid i would be a bad parent because everybody is just scared of their kids. i've got 12 nieces and nephews and nobody will whip a 2-year-old. 2-year-olds get away with murder. he's going through his terrible 2s. my nephew threw a wrench and broke a window. everybody just looked at him.

he's going through the terrible 2s. i'll tell you who the terrible 2s are, you two sorry ass parents. >> i cannot stand when people put their kids on the phone when you call. >> yes. >> i can't -- because the parent with t -- the kid is a motor-mouth when they're talking to me. all you hear is breathing. i'm not wearing any pampers. >> what's your favorite store? >> here's the thing about home pot. you go there, a lot of the migra migrant work hes are looking for work, but it's a weird situation. it's like they're worker hookers in a way. like wookers. like a same situation as a john. they show you, they want to show you which one is the strongest. they'll be, like, look at me, look at me. watch, i'm a matador, you know. and if you think about that

scenario, it's the same thing, man. it's like a john pulling up to the parking with the same questions, too. hey, how much? what can you do, man? you don't mind getting on all fours, do you? do you mind getting dirty? can you lay some pipe? get in the we're heading out of here. >> where exactly is this place? >> sunset, right down the street. >> you mexican people, you black people, y'all complain, but greek people we got it worse. they name streets after you. cesar char vez boulevard, martin luther king boulevard. what do they name after greeks? diseases. i don't want to hear a black person complain until you can supply a girl suffering from la kweesh sha!

>> you do some terrific impressions. >> they explaining that one. >> do steve martin for me. >> steve martin? >> yeah, who do you do? >> i only do one impression. >> who? >> let me show you. see that impression? right there on the back of the -- >> yeah. >> is that terrible or what? come on! >> i'm casey case em, a long distance dedication comes from west hollywood, california. he writes, dear casey, casey, i recently met a wonderful man. i'd love to get to know him a little more. he's dashing and funny. casey, could you please play "faithful "faithfully" from ant to byron.

here's your long distance dedication, ant. >> where's your wife from? >> my wife is from the south, man. she's -- >> ecuador? >> no. south carolina. she's a honky. first of all, we had a wedding reception in los angeles. apparently you're supposed to have a theme for the wedding reception. my wife was so upset, we didn't have a theme. i said, if you look out there, the theme is right there, 200 white southerners and 1,500 mexicans. that's called the alamo. >> that was your theme. >> that was our theme. and here's the worst thing. her mom who was a first grade teacher, she was working on her spanish, wanted me to take her to a mexican restaurant so she could order the food. darling, do you mind if i order the mexican food? so the waiter walks up, she takes