home e captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org we'll see y ♪ we'll see you real soon. m-wah. ♪ did you show me. ♪ baby. ♪ watching you. ♪ ♪

♪ i spent many years as a nuclear missile launch officer. if the president gave the order we had to launch the missiles, that would be it. i prayed that call would never come. [ radio chatter ] self control may be all that keeps these missiles from firing. [ sirens blearing ] i would bomb the [ beep] out of them. i want to be unpredictable. i love war. the thought of donald trump with nuclear weapons scares me to death. it should scare everyone. i'm hillary clinton and i approve this message.

school lunch can be difficult. cafeteria chaos. one little struggle... can lead to one monumental mishap. not with ziploc easy open tabs. because life needs ziploc. sc johnson. it's comics unleashed with your host. tonight byron welcomes adams, mark maris. george wallace. and charles green. and now, a man who puts the

mocha in mocha chocolate latte, byron allen. >> yeah.g;%l whoo.session.3u3 dancing >> what's up? >> all right. >> all right. we have some very funny people here this evening. say hello to

mark marin. george 1 and tom green. oh. >> we're unleashed. >> you're unleashed. >> the comics are unleashed right now. >> unleashed. >> like we're wild animals. >> what's this, i hear you're afraid to leave your house. >> an gore phobic a little bit. bad year. i've been injured. when you get injured you don't leave the house. i broke a couple of ribs a few months ago, i was nearly killed. >> is that right? >> nearly killed by a wave of water. and then i broke my ankle and i haven't left the house in months. now i'm here. when you stay inside for a long period of time, you feel fear when you leave the house. right now looking at you, i'm afraid. it's not because of anything that you're doing or anything, i just look at you and think it's 1978, i'm 7 years old watching

"real people," you know? and you're exactly the same age, you know? like you're a robot or some sort of like a clone of some type. how is that possible? you know what i mean? that you look exactly the same age. everyone else on "real people" is dead, right? all the other hosts are all dead, right? >> i'm not sure. >> skitch helped are son, dead. dead. >> how you doing? >> i was 7 years old too back in 178. >> george, you crazy, man. >> i been crazy all my life. it's good to be crazy. you're not crazy out here in hollywood. >> that's right. everybody in this audience is crazy. if you come to california, you're crazy. that's the bottom line. >> what do you think about these kids today. >> i grew up in a different era. when we were kids, if we were bad, the parents would tell you the boogeymen is going to get you. these kids today, you tell them

the bogeyman, these kids go, i'll bust the boogeyman's ass. 14-year-old boys having sex with the school teacher? what's up with that? and pretty teachers too, pretty teachers, too. what happened to us? i wouldn't have told nobody. >> i never got hit on. no. no. >> well, look at you. >> i grew up in boston. i didn't even get hit on by a priest. i think if you went back to boston wearing that hat, you'd have a little more lucknow. >> but you're talking about the new kids today. actually, i don't understand the young kids today. most of these young kids and you can talk back to your parents. we couldn't talk back to our parents, could we? my parents used to drive us down to the cemetery. she said junior, this is your plot right here. you can use it now or later but you're not going to be talking

back to me up in here. >> that's right. that's right. >> unbelievable. >> you know, time-out. time-out was a smack up side of your head. >> you know what my mama would do? whip your ass and she would take time-out, come back and hit some more. uh-huh. >> time-out was a break for her. >> that's exactly right. >> and you just got married? >> i got married a little while ago. and it's been brought to my attention by my wife, this is a new thing. she says i have an anger problem. but she didn't put it that way. she said i'm leaving. if you don't deal with your anger problem, right? soapy did what everybody does. you got a problem, i went to the bookstore and bought a book on anger management. o cf1 o that now i have that book. >> once you realize -- >> i just keep bringing it up, byron, because i honestly don't understand. i honestly don't understand how it's possible.

mike douglas, dead. okay? steve allan, dead. >> okay. >> 1978 was real people, right? george slater, right? i was born in '71. >> okay. >> 7 years old. i remember watching that. 7 years old watching that. i wanted to do that some day. i want to do that some day. you're out on the streets doing people on streets. you know, this is why we're here right now because of that. >> knock the hell out of him. how is it possible that you don't look a day older? >> i am dick clark's son. >> i lost my hair. we'll be right back.in;< for more laughs

more savory...re... sfx: people oohing and ahhing more sweet... sfx: people gasping in excitement more lovin'. sfx: people clapping and cheering. now get more choices on mcdonald's all day breakfast menu.

♪ ...another anti-wrinkle cream in no hurry to make anything happen. neutrogena® rapid wrinkle repair works... ...in one week. with the... fastest retinol formula available. it's clinically proven to work on fine lines and... ...even deep wrinkles. "one week? that definitely works!" rapid wrinkle repair. and for dark spots, rapid tone repair. neutrogena®. "see what's possible." i'll take it from here. i'm good. i just took new mucinex clear and cool. ah! what's this sudden cooooling thing happening? it's got a menthol burst. you can feel it right away. wow, that sort of blind-sided me. and it clears my terrible cold symptoms. ahh! this is awkward. new mucinex fast-max clear & cool. feel the menthol burst. and clear your worst cold symptoms.

start the relief. ditch the misery. let's end this. all right. welcome back. george, you're from the south, right. >> of course i'm from the south. everybody's from the south. growing up in the south some stupid habits. like we have a front door and can't use it. you know what i'm talking about, somebody knock on the door. go around to the back. stupid stuff we did down south. had a set of towels in the bathroom.

did you grow up like that? we couldn't even touch them. we had to wipe our hands on the wall. my mama was crazy. >> was she. >> your mama is not crazy? my mama says you're getting on my last nev. i'm thinking why didn't you say something five, six nerves ago. i'm at the end of my rope. well, let go. the last time i'm going to tell you to take that garbage out. well, thank god. i hope she's not watching because she will still whoop my ass. yeah. she would whoop me with those questions. >> i'd love to see that on tv. your mom whooping your ass. >> that's pay per view. mama could whip your ass, too. >> i'd love to do that show. george's mama whips both our asses. >> starting to feel like jerry springer around here. >> why are these guys allowed to

cover their hair, byron. >> i don't know. i'll be honest. i got this hair. i got the most hair out of all of you. i only do this once a year. i grew my beard out over the christmas holidays because over christmas i like to go to malls dressed as jesus. i'll walk through the mall just saying no, no, it wasn't supposed to be about this, people. and if there's a santa at that mall, i'll walk right up to that santa and say listen, fatman, you're just a clown at my birthday party. >> when you were in new orleans? >> my family got wiped out down there and i went down to see them. i let them stay in my house because i'm working in vegas every night. it's been over a year now. and my house finding my dirty magazines and i love them. they finding everything but a job, god bless them. >> get your ass out of my house.

i was down there, i was in china. i recently come back from china. anybody been to china? >> no, i haven't been to china. >> it was wonderful. i talk to people going to be laughing at me because i'm a big tall black man. it's pretty cool. every now and then a woman would come up and say, sex okay, sex okay? the people didn't watch me. going in a department store like they do in beverly hills. they didn't watch me. since they didn't, you know, i -- and you know, what's good about china, you know, i be thinking all the time. you can buy your souvenirs when you get home. >> do you have a sweet tooth? >> i bought halloween candy this year and then i didn't answer the door. do they have support groups for people like that? i go to the gym. you know why it doesn't work for me. >> whole i'm i'm there i'm thinking what i'm going to eat when i get home.

>> today i spent the entire day almost going to the gym. i was going to go. you get into the mode where you look at your watch, i've only got four hours. i don't think i'm going to make it today. >> the food and drug administration should create a force of fat marshals that are on planes. if there's a terrorist thing, they'll jump into action. they should station fat marshals as the like fast food places. if they see a 300 pound person about to digging into sundae, jump into action and go to the table, are we really doing that? are you about to do that in if the guy goes yeah, i'm about to eat this. i'm a fat marshal and i'm legally obliged to knock the fork out of your mouth. it would be a great service to the country. >> we love to eat in this country. i think the next war will be for cooking oil. we should invade the canola country. who is making that? let's go. >> cooking oil. >> they are. look how fat these kids are

getting. i mean if you're years old and a boy, you shouldn't be a c cup. that's all i'm saying. fat lazy little kid. the nap sacks have wheels? your flight attendant wheeling their stuff around. we're going to take a break. we'll be right back. don't wentnjí=% breaks down tooth enamel.coffee thankfully she uses act® restoring™ mouthwash. it restores minerals to enamel for 40% stronger teeth. act®. smile strong. >>

all right. welcome back to comics unleashed. what's the story? do you have identity theft. >> no, here's what i'm afraid of. the government can tap your phones, look at your computers and it's okay. they don't need a warrant. i can't stand people who say hey buddy, you got nothing to hide you got nothing to worry about. i got nothing to hide but i've got a few things i'm ashamed of. i'd rather be ought with a bomb. i could explain that. i'm going to blow that up. if they downloaded the stuff on my hard drive, i would have to say i didn't know it was a guy at first.

>> i want -- it would be fun to go out in the audience like jerry springer, did you ever do that on the show? >> i was looking at, take his crutches away. >> i was looking at them. you guys travel all around the world doing standup comedy. you've been in front of thousands of audiences over the years. is this even a good audience though or -- right. >> all right. >> do we have insurance for that? >> do you guys think it is a good audience? >> it's a great audience. >> what you going >> where are you guys -- where

do you guys get this audience? where do you get these people? >> from the streets. >> i don't know. >> all right. >> getting too lazy as americans. >> yeah, we are. everybody's so -- one friend won't even leave me a message. he goes you saw my name on caller id. why didn't you call me back. i saw your name. that's why i didn't pick it up. i go to the gym. i get distracted because women with these little outfits, how much more attention do they need. skimpy little outfits writing stuff on the tops like sexy or porn star or juicy. what the hell does that mean? am i excited or disgusted? your ass is juicy? i'm confused. then they catch you looking like they're upset you're like, what

are you looking at? you're like i like the font on your ass. what is that roman over there? what is that? >> sorry to interrupt. i want to show everybody this is the future now. you get these casts when you break your leg. then you get a removable one after four weeks that you can take off like a ski boot. no big deal. i thought i'd air it out a little bit. you can see the surgery there that i had. >> how did you hurt yourself? >> i fell off my skate board. yeah, i was jumping over an v-w. >> tom i understand you have a pet peeve about people and their pet names. >> yeah, how -- everyone's got the same. like pumpkin. everyone's calling everyone pumpkin. she's got a boyfriend, calls her pumpkin and everyone's calling everyone -- it's not even like a good-looking fruit. it's like -- it's disgusting. it's fat and orange and has

striations and you smash it on the pavement november 1st after halloween. no girl ever protests? what are you doing call me pumpkin? >> i was going to talk about the stupid commercials. >> oh, yeah. all commercials are stupid. when we break in a few minutes, you're going to see a stupid commercial. you got to see it. they've got a commercial in los angeles. environmentalist concerned about suvs consuming too much energy. their slogan is what would jesus drive. you know me, i be thinking, jesus wos drive a honda. did you know that? if you read the bibles, acts 2 and 1 says we should all be in one accord. >> we're going to take a break. we'll be right back. don't go away. >> for more laughs go to

does your makeup remover every kiss-proof,ff? cry-proof, stay-proof look? neutrogena® makeup remover does. it erases 99% of your most stubborn makeup with one towelette. need any more proof than that? neutrogena.

what? is he gone?? finally, i thought he'd never leave... tv character: why are you texting my man at 2 a.m.? no... if you want someone to leave you alone, you pretend like you're sleeping. it's what you do. if you want to save fifteen percent or more on car insurance, you switch to geico. it's what you do. tv character: taking selfies in the kitchen does not make you a model. more savory...re... sfx: people oohing and ahhing more sweet... sfx: people gasping in excitement more lovin'. sfx: people clapping and cheering. now get more choices on mcdonald's all day breakfast menu. ♪ right. in. your. stomach! watch this!... >>yikes, that ice cream was messing with you, wasn't it? try lactaid, it's real ice cream, without that annoying lactose.

lactaid. it's the milk that doesn't mess with you. that cough doesn't sound so good. well i think you sound great. move over. easy booger man. take mucinex dm. it'll take care of your cough. fine! i'll text you in 4 hours when your cough returns. one pill lasts 12 hours, so... looks like i'm good all night! ah! david, please, listen. still not coughing. not fair you guys! waffles are my favorite! ah! some cough medicines only last 4 hours. but just one mucinex lasts 12 hours. start the relief. ditch the misery. let's end this.

♪ >> all right. welcome back. how old are you, man. >> how oldham i? i'm 43 years old. >> okay. you're a young man. >> you look younger than i do, man. >> i don't think i'm old. you realize you're getting old in weird ways. i realized recently teenage girls don't even acknowledge me. no, no. i'm not saying i don't want to have sex with teenage girls. i'm just saying hey, throw me a bone. how about a smile in look at me. >> i think you're going to see him on date line. >> no. in a kitchen. >> i didn't know. >> this is my first time. >> all right. >> i have condoms in the car.

>> george, what's going on with clinton. >> he invited me to the white house. am i the only one -- tom, you been to the white house? >> i tried to scale the fence once. >> but he invited me to the white house and he was she showing me around and everything. once again, i stole some stuff while i was in the white house. wouldn't you? we were having coffee. i'm stirring the coffee and equal all had the presidential seal. i'm stirring my coffee with a sterling silver spoon. got go. and i get to the gate and walking out, oh they got the detectives outs. i got in trouble. nothing happened. i was miffed because i could have taken more silverware. >> all right. until next time, keep laughing. until next time, keep laughing. thanks for joining us.

-- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com