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♪ ♪ ♪ >> james: thanks for watching. next week: matt leblanc isla fisher, ewan mcgregor niall horan andrew garfield january jones ll cool j norah jones here and: carpool karaoke with lady gaga! reggie, take us home. captioning sponsored by cbs

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feel a spark of emotion light up every inch of you. feel warm inside. feel our big beautiful candle. feel glade. sc johnson. school lunch can be difficult. cafeteria chaos. one little struggle... can lead to one monumental mishap. not with ziploc easy open tabs. because life needs ziploc. sc johnson. your host, byron ♪ and now, the man whose lips move when he listens to books on

tape, byron allen. [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you. thank you very much. it's very kind of you. lots going on. geography masters from the u.s. are competing with their british counterparts in the geography world cup. apparently the only thing these guys can't locate is a limit. [ laughter ] i love this. a wichita man was arrested after telling police he'd been robbed of a pound of marijuana. apparently after he smoked the other pound. [ laughter ] a korean scientist cloned the first female dog. yeah. the korean scientist called the

dog a modern miracle and delicious. [ laughter ] say hello. [ cheers and applause ] all right. welcome to comics unleashed hot chocolate and it is going to get hot in here tonight. say hello to joe [ cheers and applause ] cocoa brown. [ cheers and applause ] just got back from vacation? >> yeah, man. i was on a cruise, man. it's great. i was on a cruise. the first time i've been on a cruise in my life. and it had to be a ghetto

cruise. it was like ask you for food stamp. my next door neighbor had all their clothes hanging out. i wanted to ask the captain, i hope they aren't back to africa movement -- i ain't like too much chicken bones all in the swimming pool anyway. [ laughter ] >> oh, byron, everything's going cool. got rid of this roommate i had for a while. i'm really cool. i got a bad roommate. i had a bad roommate. first of all, my roommate didn't work. i'm coming home and this dude's just sitting in my house. then he starts eating my food. i'm coming home this dude is just -- and i'm like, man. one day i come home and this dude is eating and got my clothes on. you know black people, we don't go for that. we don't put my clothes on. you don't work, you're in my clothes and eating my food, you're about to get out my house. he done look at me and said,

daddy, i'm 15, what you want me to do? [ laughter ] >> i notice you haven't been getting good customer service. uh-oh. >> you know how it is out here. you call customer service anywhere, you'll never get the person that understands what you're talking about. i mean, i went to pay my sprint bill the other day over the phone, you ever do that? oh, my god. the computer come on so polite. thank you for calling sprint. for english press one, for [ inaudible ] . and number three, i don't know what it was. i was like i'll press one. why the fool come on the line even come up thank you for calling sprint, may i help you? wait a minute, man, i pressed

one. he was like, yes. i'm like that ain't no english. [ laughter ] that's mumbo jumbo sprinkled on top. you're going to have me paying somebody else's stuff. put me back on with the computer. [ laughter ] why the computer hasn't ever been the brother's friend either. thank you for calling sprint. if you wish to pay $100, please say $100. i'm like a ghetto brother, hundred dollars. [ laughter ] computer like, sorry, i did not understand that. if you wish to pay $100, please say one hundred dollars. hundred dollars.

[ laughter ] i'm still having trouble -- [ laughter ] >> oh, we got to take a break. we'll be right back. don't go away. today you can do everything in just one click,

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nope, it's lemonade. is that ice-t? lemonade. ice-t? what's with these people, man? lemonade, read the sign. lemonade. read it. ok. delicious. ice-t at a lemonade stand? surprising. what's not surprising? how much money marin saved by switching to geico. yo, ice-t! it's lemonade, man! fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more.

welcome back to "comics unleashed." hot shocker. favorite show, favorite players. >> i'm going out for the show next year because i'm realizing these chicks are coming out of nowhere and becoming stars for kissing him. i'm like, i'm going to take one for the team. all i got to do is kiss flavor? sure. i'll take one for the team. you can put the cameras in the bedroom. i will give it to him. yeah, boyee. coming out of nowhere saying -- and i'm thinking, you know, that's all i got to do. and ain't going to lie, i'll go out for it, but i'm probably going to become a heroin addict. every time they say you have a date with flavor, i'm going to be like hold up. [ laughter ] all right.

i'm ready. [ laughter ] >> i had some girls thinking they kiss me and turn into favorite princess. kiss the frog and he'll turn into your favorite prince. [ laughter ] >> that's a compliment. >> who thought he'd be a sex symbol? >> to who? >> today's chicks. >> i diss tv and everybody and this show isn't in hd -- who do you like to listen to? >> man, i like all kinds of music. i'm an old school brother. i like the old school, i like the new school too, but there's nothing like the old school. you know, like when you hear the spinners. you remember spinners? >> yeah. >> oh, my goodness. like my man said you're name,

byron -- [ laughter ] you know what i'm saying? you put mr. bigs, if he did your theme, oh -- la da da da and then break it [ laughter ] i got to get them cd. but i love old school. but i love it all. i listen to hip hop. so many rappers i listen to. you know how it is, you think you know all the words and you don't. we'll be listening to a song and be like it don't go like that and you'll be like this is my car. i'm going to sing it the way i

know. it listened to snoop one day. drop it like -- that's all i know in that song. drop it like it's hot. don't get mad at me. but think about it. we have singers back in the day that you didn't understand. like michael mcdonald. i love michael mcdonald. >> yeah. >> just think if he did the theme to this show. >> yeah. >> you don't know what he's saying. let it be the >> that's flavor. we'll be right back with more. to find out how to be part of our studio audience visit comicsunleashed.com.

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welcome back. you've been trying to improve your health? >> yeah, well, you got to, man.

health insurance is ridiculous. you go to hospital and you don't got health insurance, i was lying at first and said i didn't know the name of my insurance. they were like, this shows you have -- look right here. i said the rock. the one with the rock on it. prudential rock with the metlife and the snoopy on top of it. [ laughter ] okay. what kind of pain do you have? i said it's a pain-pain. what do you mean? let me tell you something, lady, you are a pain -- [ laughter ] you tell me what kind of pain you're having. it's a pain i walk myself in this house. i hate going to the doctor. i went in for a chest cold one

time and he was like, what's the problem? i said i got a chest cold. he's like lay on your stomach and let me check your anal cavity. i said wait a minute. my chest right here. [ laughter ] why you got to -- let me see your id. do you work here? can i at least stick the finger in? [ laughter ] in that case you should be in a different profession. >> oh, man. tell me your pet peeve. >> right now, one of my pet

peeves, this is my pet peeve, i feel like i'm old, byron. i remember when $1.98 was high for gas. i remember that. remember you would pull up to a gas station and you see $1.98 and you go, oh, that's way too high and you would pull out. gas is so high now that if you see gas that's $2.40 -- $2.40, you go crazy. you get on the phone and call somebody. y'all better get down here right now. $2.40. as a matter of fact, it's $2.38 across the street. i'm going across the street because it's $2.38. i remember when you didn't ask people for gas money. you didn't ask your friends for gas money because you're a butt hole if you ask for gas money. if you say i need some gas money, i'm like i'm not giving you no gas money. we're going to the same place. shut up and drive. [ laughter ] but now gas $2.50, $2.60, i tell

people don't even buckle up when they get in my car. no, don't buckle up. i'm going to need you to go in that water plant -- yeah, you too, grandma. [ laughter ] >> let me ask you something, what do you think it would be like if we had music superstars do it? >> that would be fabulous. the news nowadays it's so depressing. don't you hate watching the news? they got to report it. the first five minutes is depressing. bank robbery, car chase, i figure if i got to hear it every night, i want somebody to sing to me. maybe prince. instead of saying good evening welcome to the 10:00 news a 24-year-old man was shot and killed today, let it be a 25-year-old man got shot last

night. [ laughter ] >> we're going to take a break. we'll be right back with more "comics unleashed." to find out how to be part of our studio audience, visit

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ditch the misery. let's end this.