game. i'm sure we have those. my mama prbry got them at her house. >> james: that i guess. but it's like the 50th nba game, get over it. i get t you are really good at basketball. >> relax, relax. >> james: wear the same pair of shoes. did you swap your shoes, did you have any superstilingses. >> i wore my shoes for like four, five, six games. mine probably looked like a mowed the lawn in them. i just liked that feeling of, i have worn them a bunch and felt comfortable. >> steve used to do this a lot during the game. can i tell you a lot of stuff. he used to rub his shoulders, i think it was the sweat, right? >> james: is that true. >> this is lame. >> james: no, it's not lame, i'm interested. what else did he do. >> my hand was get dry, the basketball, slick sometimes and so i try to get sweat on my hands. >> i'm like a germophobe, he be

dribbling up the court dolling-- (laughter). >> james: now steve, we have to talk about the steve nash foundation work for kids. you have got an upcoming big soccer match, tell everybody what it is about and how they can get involved. >> thanks, this sour 10th year, steve nash foundation showdown in new york city june 2 1s go to steve nash.org to get vip packages or tickets but it say soccer game with nba players and natural soccer stars and we have been lucky enough to have it for ten years now. it's a lot of fun. >> james: are you any good at soccer. well, for more information go to steve nash.or grk. it's a wonderful, wonderful charity. get involved and we'll be right back.

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- [voiceover] coming to you from hollywood almost live, it's comics unleashed hot chocolate, with your host byron allen. tonight byron welcomes alex thomas, tess drake, shang, and jimmie "jj" walker! and now the real slim shady, byron allen!

(audience cheering and applauding) (hip hop beat) - yeah! yeah! whoo! there you go, you gotta know how to just do that moooove. (audience laughing) say hello to dj a1! (hip hop beat) (audience cheering and applauding) alright, we're going to have a great time tonight. some very funny people are here. say hello to shang! - hey, yo! (audience cheering and applauding) hey! - jimmy "jj" walker! (audience cheering and applauding) alex thomas!

(audience cheering and applauding) and tess drake! (audience cheering and applauding) tess, is this true, you were married 90 days? - yes, i was married 90 days. it was a trial period, what can i say. the good thing about it, i know it sounds harsh, 90 days, but i was a paralegal at the time so it all worked out, i was able to my own divorce and everything. (audience laughing) i did, y'all think i'm playing, too. i went to work and i just typed it up one day and filed it. i did. - [byron] are you serious? - yeah! - so when you handed him the papers, what'd he say? - [tess] he was like,"what's in the envelope?" i'm like "read 'em, just read 'em," you know. - [byron] and did he read it? - yeah. - and then what'd he say? - he was like, "this is our last supper." i'm like, "yeah, that's pretty much it, that's it. it was like what my mom told, she was like, "ooh, it's going to be so nice, and men like a woman "with a little excitement and danger." that's not true, that's not true because i didn't even hit him. the bullet just kind of grazed him. (audience laughing) - so, how you doin' man, how's your love life? - you know, never hit on the first chick, that's the key.

because she's always got a friend that's a monster. (audience laughing) - i think i speak on behalf of a lot of brothers, if you find something at the house, you can't ask if this is yours, that's just going in the trash. (audience laughing) if i find an earring, oh no, no, i'm not asking. i'm not gonna be "is this yours?" no, no, no, no, that's gonna get burned, it's going down to the dump. you will never see it. - i have a whole box full of stuff. i keep boxes of stuff to give people. "here you go, honey, how you like these earrings? "you could have these, these you are yours." these are alright. - [byron] alright, we gotta take a break. don't go away, we'll be right back with more comics unleashed hot chocolate. (hip hop beat) - [voicoever] for more laughs, visit comicsunleashed.com. closed captioning brought to you by [ rock music playing ] have fun with your replaced windows. run away! [ grunts ] leave him! leave him!

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tand, our adulte children are here. so, we save by using tide. which means we use less. three generations of clothes cleaned in one wash. those are moms. anybody seen my pants? nothing cleans better. put those on dad! it's got to be tide. (hip hop beat) - alright, welcome back to comics unleashed hot chocolate. - byron, i got to ask you, do you remember how basketball players used to dress back in the day? (audience laughing) i swear to god these dudes used to play ball in panties. (audience laughing) they showed this one play with dr. j was dunking on magic johnson like this. the shorts were so short he had one ball

hanging out the bottom. (audience laughing and applauding) - now what's this, you're collecting sports memorabilia? - i collect shoes and i collect jerseys. do you remember when the throwback jersey thing got real big? - [byron] yeah. - everybody's buying throwbacks? - [byon] yes. - it pissed me off because i could always tell fake throwback jerseys. all you gotta do, you see it's the wrong city and the wrong color. (audience laughing) i walked in the club and saw a dude with a 1985 laker's magic jackson jersey. (audience laughing) i was like, "magic jackson, what team did he play for?" this boy had a charles broccoli jersey on. philadelphia 56'ers, i'm like, "56'ers?" (audience laughing) what team was that? - you look great, you've been shopping, i can see. - thank you, oh yes, i'm not ashamed of it. i know women nowadays, all the feminists, they like, "don't say that, it makes us," no, i don't care, we like to shop, that's how we are. i don't even like feminists anyway. they messed it up for us, didn't they, ladies?

didn't they? (audience cheering) hello. we deserve a second meeting on some of this stuff, don't we? they went around burning bras, picketing and stuff. you know, "whoo hoo, women's rights, "we want to work as hard as men do." no the hell we don't. (audience laughing) right? right? - how many kids do you have? - i have one, as a father i try to teach him stuff. know what works good with your kids? duct tape. (audience laughing) if you want your child to stay still, duct tape will make him stay still. look at the parents, "i'ma use that." anytime he gettin' out of line all you do is pull the duct tape out go, and he sits right the hell down. (audience laughing) - [byron] that's it? - yeah, because i know wherever i leave him he gonna be there when i get back. (audience laughing) - i don't like it when other people want you to enjoy their kids. when they bring their kids by, because everybody's kid's the greatest. - you know what's so funny about that? like you said, jimmy, you always talkin' about how people that big up their children. "oh, he's the greatest, he's five years old "and he's already in calculus."

you know what i mean? you never really hear people tell the real truth. "look at my baby, he's so stupid." (audience laughing) that fool is 12 years old, he don't even know two times two. (audience laughing) what's your name, what's your name? your name is not yellow! (audience laughing) you stupid, just like your daddy! (audience laughing) - [byron] jimmy, you still living alone? - i have to live alone, i am the worst person to ever live with, i could never live with anybody. i can't be involved, i can't do any of that stuff. i'm just the opposite of what everybody says is the right thing. i love meat, i don't mind cigarette smoke. i don't want kids, i don't want to be monogamous. i don't want anything that say "what is wrong with me?" (audience laughing) it's all those things, i'm totally against.

i guess i'm going to start the church of jimmy "jj" walker (audience cheering and applauding) just for people who are low lifes like myself, man. all of my friends who were married are divorced. i don't know anybody that is married. i know everybody that is married is unhappy. (audience laughing) let me tell you something, if you could say to most people, "look here, you can be divorced, "you can live in your same house, you can keep your money, "keep your car, be down at city hall by 5:00 in the morning, there will be a stampede! i'm telling you right now, this is an interesting thing. the country has gone so crazy now it's tough to sell a house nowdays, you guys know that. so now divorces are 65% of this country. first thing they tell you to do when you get a divorce, sell the house. people can't sell their houses, so you got people that hate each other living with each other.

let me tell you, interest rates better go down or murder rates are going up, i'll tell you that right now. (audience laughing) - alright, we're going to take a break, we'll be right back, don't go away. - [voiceover] for more laughs, visit comicsunleashed.com. closed captioning brought to you by (fast-paced music) pain strikand so doeserve level. icy hot lidocaine. desensitizes aggravated nerves with the max strength lidocaine available. icy hot lidocaine. so this year, they're getting a whole lot more. box 365, the calendar. everyone knows my paperless, safe driver, and multi-car discounts, but they're about to see a whole new side of me. heck, i can get you over $600 in savings. chop, chop. do i look like i've been hurt before? because i've been hurt before.

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(hip hop beat) - alright, welcome back to comics unleashed hot chocolate. so you grew up here in l.a., which one, clippers or lakers? - i'm a lakers fan, born and raised. l.a. right? (audience cheering and applauding) but if there's anybody in this building right now that was born and raised in l.a. in the 80's, early 90's, you'll remember the clippers were the worst, they were voted the worst sports franchise in all of sports. (audience laughing) the clippers were abso -- i'm gonna give you a little sports, i'm a give you a little l.a. history on the clippers. the clippers at one time, they were like the only team in the league without a shoe contract. (audience laughing) i'll never forget when ron harper played on the clippers, i went to a clipper game once and he was in the fox hills mall at foot locker buying shoes before the game. (audience laughing)

with me! i'm like, "dude, i'm about to go to your game." he be like, "yeah, i'm gonna need some size 12's "so i can get on down to the coliseum "so i could play this game." it was so bad at one time the clippers, back in the day the lakers had all the stars at their games. dyan cannon and michael jackson and steven spielberg used to be at all the laker games. you remember that, right? during the magic johnson and kareem abdul-jabbar days? you go to a clipper game, you see like the cast of "that's my momma." (audience laughing) you see like marlon jackson and todd bridges in the front row. (audience laughing) it was so bad, anybody remember the old sports arena? - [audience] yeah. - it was in such bad condition, i'll never forget, i went to a game once and it was raining real hard that night and once side of the floor was flooded. they played a pro half-court game. (audience laughing) i paid $65 that night to see some brothers play "horse." (audience laughing)

- tess, what's the worst breakup you've had? - oh god, the worst breakup. i think this, yeah, the dude left me just a note on the bathroom mirror, "die bitch, die," i think that was. (audience laughing) - the girl wants you to go out with her, she'll give you the sign. she'll just go "hey!" (audience laughing) she'll give you the quick sign, but if they don't want you to go out, it's like, that's it, done. - know what works when you're pursuing a woman? duct tape. (audience laughing) oh, you don't wanna go out, baby. (audience laughing) whether she wants to or not. - it's where you threatnin' to put the tape, though. (audience laughing) - some women pay for that. - [tess] exactly, that's what i'm saying, it depends on where you want to place the tape. you might save us a trip to the wax, but i'm just saying. (audience laughing) maybe, maybe, maybe, i'm just saying. you workin' together, but it's true about women. we know in the first like, what, two or three minutes

when you meet a guy if you interested. seconds, oh they say seconds. i give 'em a little chance to talk. they like "seconds," but yeah, we do. we know right in the beginning if we gonna sleep with you. it's automatic, we look at you, we sum you up. and then you can talk all night, blah, blah, blah, we ain't listenin' to nothin' we just thinkin, "yeah, "if you ever stop talking." if you ever stop talking, it's true, we do. - men think that, too, men think that about women. if she ever stop talkin'. (audience laughing) - well see, there you go. - [byron] we gotta go back to primitive days, people don't say anything, we just grunt. (grunting) (audience laughing) - i gotta ask you, do women really, you've always heard about women looking at men's shoe size, is that true? - yes, we do, we look at your shoe size, we look at your hands. - [alex] what does that tell you? - if you have a small shoe, we tend to think, you know, you might be lacking in some areas, but it's not always true. and then we also look at the hands, because the hands and the feet go together.

- so let me ask you this-- - [tess] if you got a nice size hand and you got small feet, they might still be like, "i'm gonna take a chance." (audience laughing) - so let me ask you, i'm 5'6" and i wear a size 17 shoe. (audience laughing) what does that say to you as a woman? - (laughing) you are a liar! (audience laughing) we gonna take a break, we'll be right back. don't go away. - [voiceover] for more laughs, visit comicsunleashed.com. closed captioning brought to you by happiness is powerful flea and tick protection from nexgard. nexgard kills fleas and ticks all month long. and it comes in an easy-to-give tasty chew. and that makes dogs and owners happy.

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