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comics unleashed with your host byron allen. tonight he's got jimmy stewart, carla williams. and now the new owner of the brooklyn bridge, byron allen.

[ cheers and applause ] all right. welcome to "comics unleashed." tonight, some very funny people here. jimmy shubert. [ cheers and applause ] and lisa lampanelli. >> oh, my god. i had a rough week. i got googled and blogged. have you ever had that, man?

that's a violation. someone was out there googling all over me. this thing google earth, i watched you eat dinner last night, dude. that's cia stuff. it's all over the place. you can zoom in on anything, jimmy. i watched you at the mall the other day buying a can of gorgonzola wheat water. [ laughter ] have you ever been blogged or googled? >> no. >> at the mouth, man. that stuff's weird. i don't like technology's getting crazy. the names they've got for stuff. i bought a brand new laserjet printer a few months ago. oh, laserjet, like i could fly around on the thing. hey, everybody, i'm up here making copies. yeah! dig this, three weeks ago i paid

$99 for the thing, three weeks ago the ink cartridge went out and i had to buy a new one. $700. >> you just got out of a long-term relationship? >> yeah. it's a very sad thing. i actually had a nice fine black boyfriend for three years. matter of nine and a half years and back. shut up. [ laughter ] it's been a good three years. but actually the guy a year ago dumps me. do you believe that crap? he says i'm not feminine. are you kidding me? look at me. i'm feminine. i like candles. they set my fares on fire. it's hot. asked me out last week -- not

slurpee, indian, casino indian. i cannot date a guy half black and half native american. every time we go out dancing it starts to rain. the guy's indian name was sitting in jail. [ laughter ] >> you're just making friends wherever you go. wow. did you just get back from performance of the troops? >> yeah. i was in afghanistan. it was a great thing to go over there and entertain those guys. >> what was it like? >> it's a lot of -- you know, you fly in helicopter with double propellers, you have apache escort. i'm going this is a way to go do a comedy show.

got some backups. it was great. something i always wanted to do. when i was little i used to take my green army men and run them under the hose and tell them jokes and pretend it was bob hope. [ laughter ] >> that's great. how are they treating you at airline security? >> let me tell you what happened. i'm getting ready to go on a plane, they pull me and a 70-year-old lady out of line. not supposed to be profiling but an irish guy and chick with the walker and they think we're thieves. me and mrs. doubtfire are spread eagle against the back wall. [ laughter ] guys like when he comes across my shirt -- pretty good to hijack a plane with a nail -- just open the cockpit.

i was really short, i put that piggy tail. [ laughter ] >> oh, man. >> i'm going to grandmother's house. no. i feel sorry for the afghani women, man. these beautiful women, they wrap them up like human burritos, byron. they can't see anything but their eyes. it's like you're dating an owl for god sake. why don't we get a tent around rosie o'donnell.

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unleashed." i don't. you know what's even worse? i don't like missing kids. you know who never gets snatched? fat kids. they don't play that. you'll never see a fat kid on that little thing. have you seen me? yeah, right there. oh, okay. you can't snatch a fat kid. they don't have a net. you can't get them. if you do, they just get you with their chin. i hope they all get chunky when they're 6 or 7 and say, daddy, can we go outside? say yeah, forever. the fat kids have the best self-defense mechanism. they just drop. one of these kids with the steel braces on their teeth, what you do is grab a cabbage, walk up and start making coleslaw.

you ever do this? you ever see how many onion rings you can stack on your --? better let them cool off before you try that. [ laughter ] >> you're watching cartoons. >> guy who invented scoobydoo died. he was run over by the mystery machine. can you imagine being at that guy's funeral? you know shaggy's going to get up and speak, right? like, ashes to ashes. like dust to dust. like though i pass through the valley of death, i will not be afraid. [ laughter ] like are they serving food at this thing or what, scoob? no. >> now, you make fun of all

types -- anybody who just doesn't like you? >> let me tell you who doesn't like lisa lampanelli. it's the soccer moms. they go, oh, my god, this is so inappropriate. [ laughter ] >> you travel a lot? >> yeah. i've been traveling a lot. traveling is just not fun anymore, man. what happened to the flight attendants? they have an attitude now. don't they have an attitude? you ever ask for the whole can? lady, did you want a tip for the rest? give me the whole can? they need to change the buzzer

sound thing too. >> you've been talking about obesity in america. >> i read an article about obesity and it scared me. two out of three people have now become four out of five people. [ laughter ] the thing is i'm trying to eat healthier myself. today i'm having breakfast and had a protein scramble, read the ingredients, an egg omelet with chicken meat in it. it's a chicken omelet. which is wrong! you don't take the eggs out of a chicken and then cook the chicken and put it in the egg. it's too much chicken. [ laughter ] a chicken cereal killer. an omelet has three generations of chicken. that's a vendetta. [ laughter ]

i want the chicken -- you dip it into your milk. >> oh, man. all right. we're going to take a break. don't go away. to find out how to be part of our studio audience, visit

welcome back to "comics unleashed." you were told, you never want to do your own home repair, buddy? okay? i put up four ceiling fans in my house last week. i did all the wiring myself. i turned it on high, my house is flying over greenland. >> you're a big baseball fan? >> i'm a huge, huge baseball fan. yes, i don't know any baseball fans here, especially latin baseball players. i love latin baseball players. yeah, because they look like me and you. except they ruin it during the interview. you know, they go, hey, manny, you hit that home run.

how'd you feel? i feel good about hitting the home run. >> that's you, brad. that's a home run. i not black. i not black. i say why are we both in handcuffs then? >> you're ripping on everybody. you have any repercussions? >> the audience is fun. the audience gets the jokes. but i'm afraid god is going to see my act some day. and that he's going to do something and make me not do comedy no more. like make me blind. it must be cruel to be a blind comic. i'd have a little ear piece and the system would say black guy at 2:00 and i'd be like [ laughter ] wow. i think i see a black man.

and the audience would be like how did she know? and i'd be like because i smell the cocoa butter. [ laughter ] lately, corporate america -- starbucks. i mean, how much coffee are people drinking? i mean, you give people directions using starbucks. after starbucks, make a left, go up two starbucks, make a right. here's the tricky part. you're going to come to an intersection with starbucks in this corner and starbucks, i'll be the coffee bean on the other side of the street. i drink it to wake up in the morning. i'm not getting emotionally involved with this stuff. you walk into starbucks, they're a little nutty. would you like a smooth -- with a -- side. give me the coffee. drink it. it's not wine.

it's coffee. you should have two lines in a starbucks. one line for people who need coffee. and another line of people ordering milk shakes. [ laughter ] >> you keeping up with that technology? >> i'm trying to. i'm not embracing it necessarily. traffic was bad before in l.a. but now everybody's texting people and they're on cell phones. people are driving too fast, now everybody's driving slow. just drive. put it down. drive. please. for the love of god. i mean, it's annoying. >> you need to calm down. you need a milk shake. [ laughter ] >> we have to take a break. we'll be right back. don't go away. to find out how to be part

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hole is about this long. and if it's cracked, it's dripping down your arm. and everybody's gone home except the fat kid. that was the reload. that was the reload. >> that was your favorite toy? >> that was my favorite toy. >> what about these women getting plastic surgery? >> i think it's disgusting. i think women should like themselves and not to screw with their bodies. stop the boob implants, the lips, trust me, both of these sag. if i take my bra off, they'll take you both down. i swear. >> talking about customer service. >> or lack of. you get to pump