and then go to work... (voice breaking) because your brain won't let you leave during the day. (sniffs) it's tough enough, like, trying to, like, fight with your body every day, like, to wake up and be, like, "oh, god, i gotta do this, and i gotta..." like me, i have platinum body hair and i have to shave every single day, because electrolysis is, to do my face would cost thousands of dollars. i don't have that, i'm a waitress. i have to take care of a grandmother and i have bills, and i have things i pay-- i don't have just myself. i have people that depend on me, too, as much as i depend on them, and i can't give up on them, because they didn't give up on me when i thought that they would. i'm trying to be christina. like, i'm not worried about what you're doing in your house or with your body. why are you so worried about me? like, you can't see that i am happy? because you don't know what i looked like before, when i wanted to kill myself. you don't know how hard it was to not kill myself. i want people to be able to, to not look at me and see the word "tranny."

and at the same time, i'm proud of being trans. i want people to look at me and just be, like, "damn, she went through hell, her own version of it, "and she's okay. i can be okay, too." and i hate that slogan, like, "it gets better." and it sounds so terrible, but i do, because, you know, i know that's to make people feel better for the time, but, like, people need to hear the truth. like, it's (bleep) hard. and that's why i feel like these people hurt themselves, because they keep having people in their face going, "it gets better," but they can't see it. 'cause i'm living that "it gets better" thing and it's still (bleep) hard. it's hard, it's (bleep) hard. you wanna be happy? it's gonna be hard. but someone cares and someone needs you. (sniffs) (tv playing in background)

(indistinct chatte (laughter) jack: you're getting a fever? yaya (on phone): are you excited? - i'm nervous. yaya: ah, don't be nerus. jack: did you get your temperature taken? yaya (grunting): i'll do it right now. jack: yeah, show me the, show me the number. let's see what it is. you really look like your mom with dark hair! it freaks me out. maybe you have a bad fever. - maybi'm the devil. (thermomer beeps) jack: oh! - 100.2. jack: what if you're sick on sunday? okay, here's the thing, if you're sick on sunday, do not come up here. i can't get sick and that's a real thing. yaya: no, i know, i know. - d i also don't want

you to drive, obviously. (yaya speaks inaudly) yaya: well, i'm pretty sure i'll be fine. i'm never sick... - yeah, but you do crazy (bleep) when you're sick, so, like... (sighs) - all i love you.e you. - bye. bye.. woman: bye! jack: oh, yaya... (indistinct chatter, footsteps) jack: i didn't read the internet at all. i only listened to the doctor, and then tonight, i decided to have a freak-out and read the internet, and the internet sd, "it sucks." and then... now i feel like i didn't wanna have it, but i'm gonna have it and i'm just gonna have it. i talked to my mom tonight, and she said it's just normal to be nervous about having surgery, but... tony's funny, he sent me a text message that was, like... i'll have to read it, but it was just, like, "you inspired me to be my true self."

(laughing): i was just, like... yeah, i think you're really your true self. (laughing): there's, like, there's really no faking that. if you're, if you're not you, there's a problem. (chuckles) you're bad. (shower running) (jack clears throat) (clears throat) i was up all night. film producer: yeah. - i saw every hour of the clock. film producer: were you just stressing? or you weren't tired? - i was tired. i was stressed, i guess. (car bumps) film producer: sor! (chuckling) - just flew out of me, guess we can turn around. (laughter) turn this car around! i was thinking, "maybe i am sick,"

and then i'm, like, "if this is "a problem for them and they cancel it... (sniffles) "is this just, like, the universe saying, 'don't get it!'" why would the universe say not to get a hysterectomy, i don't know. film producer: well, just get there and, you know, tell your doctor what's up and take it from there, right? yaya: when i came out that i was gonna transition, we were walking in philly, and we were doing something and i kinda nonchalantly said, "guys, i'm gonna transition into a woman." and they all kinda looked at me and then jack was, like, "really?" and i was, like, "yeah, i'm already taking estrogen. i'm gonna do it, i'm gonna continue." d that wasind of it. and i had someone that i drove with in a car

and i had said to him, i said-- he was the first one, we were driving back from one of my shows-- and i said, "ricky, i think i need to transition." and i started to cry, and he goes, "well, from what i see, yaya gets (bleep) done. and chris kinda isn't as strong." and i said, "because i'm not meant to be him," and he goes, "there's your answer." that was it-- i just needed someone to confirm that. i needed someone else that had picked up on that, 'cause i had gone everywhere like this. now jack, he's binded himself and never dressed feminine. i don't think-- i think the last time he dressed feminine was, i think, high school prom. and that was just for a prom, just for a picture, just so they had it, you know? it wasn't, it wasn't, like, i don't really think that was really a choice of his own, i think it was, "i have to do this to make my parents happy" type of thing. i noticed he was kind of always really drunk when he would come home and always, like, he didn't wanna be really near his family, who... and he loves his family! but he was, like, drifting from them and i felt like it was because he was, he knew deep down that he was not

who he was portraying and... i don't know, i just... you finally get to see him and you could see, like, his chest poked out and he's, like, walking with that masculine confidence that he was suppressing, in a way. like, he let some of it out, but now it's out, now, like, he's, like, "this is me," you know? like, he's not afraid of things. he has his moments that he'll call and go, "i'm having a day, i'm having a day," and i'm, like, "okay, what kind of day are you having today?" "oh, i didn't take my, i have to take my, my testosterone, but i'm mad, i feel crazy!" and i'm, like, "okay, be mad and crazy. what are you mad and crazy about?" "oh, it's this," i'm, like, "oh, it's nothing. "oh, it's nothing, you'll be fine. you'll be fine." "uh, but, but, but, but..." "you'll be fine, you'll be fine. "like, there are so many worse things that could happen. you will be fine." (directional clicking)

♪ (tv playing in background) tv narrator: while living in small yet widely dispersed groups that raise and teach their offspring... (indistinct chatter) yeah. (dog barking, glass clinking) ♪ (door opens, bags shuffling) yaya (yawns): i'm starving. (gasps): come here, boyfriend! come here... hi, i'm back, hi, hi!

so cute! hi. jack: hi. - (giggles): i'm sorry. your mustache, look at it! how are ya? - are those new shoes? i like them. - no, they're the same. - they're cute. yaya: where's the flour? - in that red thing, the big one. - oh, yeah... (pounding) jack: she's trying to be fancy. - no, it's just, you didn't give me a rolling pin, but look how far i got it so far. - i use a wine bottle. don't move, okay? - that's actually not a bad idea. i get into the operating room, i get in there, then... i'm still on my valium, and it's all these nurses, like, just all these beautiful women all around, just anesthesiologists, doctors, and i just, like, was crying, because i was really high, and i'm, like, tears are in my eyes, and i just go, "i'm just so glad there's no men here," and they all just start cracking up. and then they just, like, were, like, "okay, counto ten backwards," or whatever, and then i was out.

do you see my stomach? look at it. there's, like, a (bleep) watermelon in it. yaya: aw... i think we need to pull this up on the tv and watch what they do and see-- i really do... jack: i feel, like, really sick. and i don't even know when i'm gonna not feel like this. yaya: oh, my god, you're... (laughs) jack: i'm gonna (bleep). yaya: you're such a big baby. you're gonna be so thankful in six months when you never have to worry about this ever again. jack: i didn't say i wasn't gonna be thankful, you (bleep). yaya: i know, but don't be a jerk. what do you mean, "i don't know when i'm gonna not feel like this?" jack: just rub my lower back. call 911 if i faint. yaya: no, i'll just leave you there and look at you, and take some pictures. (laughs) jack: you're going to be playing candy crush. yaya: yeah, i'll play candy crush while you're passed out. (murmurs) it's perfect.

(indistinct chatter) jo ann (in video): what's today, jack? today is super bowl sunday! jo ann: ...before i wreck the video camera... - today the eagles are gonna win! jo ann: i hope so. jo ann: dallas won, even though they suck. oh, well, not this year, boys. (radio playing) third time's the charm! he blocks, see how he came up and checked him? 'cause the quarterback, if you go back... jack: oh, i see. - watch matt ryan, he turns... jack: to go throw it back to him. tony: back to him, and he sees he's covered. watch, just let it play, he throws the ball, now look, look, look, look. now watch, look, look, see, look! jack: yeah... yaya: i'm in here for a reason, hold on.

oh, he took it, never mind, there is no reason. john drinks the same wine i do now, and i thought his open bottle s still in there, so i was gonna drink it first. they're so excited and cheery that it feels like that. it feels like a holiday, which has kind of got me in a good, decent mood. me, john, and justin were literally, like, "(bleep) this (bleep)," 'cause we've had enough. we got, like, tormented! like, if they lost, everybody was mad and pissy, and it was just, we were just, like, "i don't (bleep) care." plus, we were all gay. and football was the thing that, like, "you should play football, you guys are big boys! you should be hitting people!" and i'm, like, "oh, i'm gonna hit people, it's just not gonna be football." i am excited for this game, though, because, like i said, they all seem super, like, cheery and... they just seem like... what's the word? alive? like, they usually are, like, die-hard, like, crazy. that's why they have such a bad rap, but they really seem like... their hope is there.

(indistinct chatter) jack: look at my dad, he's so anxious right now. (laughter, indistinct chatter) oh...! (groans) woman: all right! man: let's go! (all screaming and cheering) needed that one! (cheers) (indistinct chatter) (all screaming) - (bleep)! was that a pick?! - yes! - flip it! (chatter, tv blaring) jo ann: i'm not looking, i'm not looking... i'm not looking. (cheers) - oh, my god... - uchdown! (all screaming and cheering) all: ♪ fly, eagles, fly

♪ score a touchdown, one, two, one, two, three ♪ ♪ hit 'em low, hit 'em high ♪ ♪ and watch our eagles fly e-a-g-l-e-s, eagles! watch this catch. (inaudible) (television playing) the touchdown pass... (inaudible) game announcer (on tv): ...receiver in the clutch, in the big ments in the fourth quarr... - this is horrible. (tv blaring) - (bleep)! (bleep)! seven points doesn't mean we can't be beat. take all the clock off. eat up the clock. just eat the clock up, just eat the clock up. jo ann: too much to eat! man: i don'tnow if there gonna have a chance... man: one more play! woman: oh, my god, i'm gonna be sick! i'm gonna be sick! man: one more play. woman: i'm gonna be sick!

woman: come on, guys. woman: get 'em! no, no, no... no. - come on! - he's in trouble, he's in trouble... guys, come on! - we're intercepting that! - that was so close. (indistinct chatter - game over, that's it! (screaming and cheering) ♪ jack: holy (bleep). (all cheering) - yeah! (all cheering) yeah! tony: that was probably the best super bowl i ever watched in my life. even though we won it! jo ann: that was insane!

it was the picture! woman: it was the picture. (laughter) man: i need a lighter-- who in here's got a lighter? man: you're wearing number 36. yaya: oh, my god... - my number was 41! (cheering, yelling) i don't think this is a good time to talk to us. film producer: i think it's the perfect time to talk to you. - i don't think it's not good. - (laughing): i don't think it's not good! tony: we did it, old man, we won! (bleep)! - (giggling): aww. tony: that's what i was waiting for, the end! don't tell me what i was doing, "oh, i was a (bleep) dad all day." - all day long he was... - no, i was waiting for the end! i was waiting for the end! - you were in... you were in a bad mood all day! - i was waiting for the end! - if the eagles lost, we didn't talk on all, well, from the rest of sunday into monday. if the eagles won, we went to 7-11 and we got nachos and then we watched the simpsons. it was really cool. - even pam's happy! - holy (bleep)!

jack (yells): yaya! (dogs barking) yaya, the dogs are barking! yaya! man: she's right here. yaya: jack, i don't have the patience, shut up. (jack laughing) it's not even funny. i'm gonna... jack: kim kardashian. - i don't picture her as a happy traveler. jack: yaya, you're getting the dogs to bark. (giggling) yaya: you're doing it! i'm not the one (bleep) screaming! here, you could have been a man and carried this. jack: we need to be... - i understand, but you could have helped me and carried this. and i also sold cupcakes for five minutes before you walked in the kitchen. jack: yeah, i know. yaya: well... it wasn't like i wasn't doing stuff! jack: yeah, no, i didn't think you weren't not doing stuff-- we gotta go! (closes trunk) (indistinct chatter) ♪

(laughter, indistinct chatter) jack: mom, is your car parked? jo ann: hurry up! jack: i'm pushing it... (kids playing) jo ann: all right, chrissy, this is yours, baby. (audio fades) i was thankful that chrissy had our house to play with dolls and to be girly and to twirl. i feel like she did it more at our house than her own. jack nevereally played with the dolls, but i was too, like, oblivious. i was, like, "i don't know, she's a girl, i'm gonna give her dolls!"

it's weird i was oblivious to the fact that jack was jack-- like, all the signs were there. like, when jack was, like, three, "i want a wallet like dad!" and he'd slick his hair back, and put the wallet and wear jeans and i was, like, "all right, it's just a phase." tony: where are we going first, jojo? - home, home, so i can change! home, so i can change! (indistinct chatter) - home, so i can change, i don't care. jo ann: he was in high school. and jack was, like, "mom, i have something to tell you." and i was, like, "ooh, goo" 'cause i was, like, happy he was talking to me, you know how teenagers don't talk. and jack was, like, "no, it's not good. lindsay and i think we're gay." (chuckles): and i was, like, "okay, well, it's probably just a phase, you know, you like each other." i was so dumb, i'm, like... yeah, i was, like, in denial. and then traci and jack and i went shopping one time and they go into the men's department. it really bothered me that we were picking out boysclothes. and traci thought it was nothing!

like, traci was, like, "oh, yeah, jack, this flannel shirt will look good." and jack's, like, "yeah!" like, it didn't even occur to... and the whole time, i'm freaking out. i'm thinking, "why are we picking out..." like, it's okay to be a lesbian, but, "why're you wearing boys' clothes?" and the hardest thing is saying "he." that's the hardest for me, and telling people... "oh, do you have children?" automatically, i would say, "oh, i have two daughters." and then i'm, like, "well, wait..." and then i just started a new job and i'm, like, "all right, should i just tell them i have a son and a daughter? i'll just do that." and then someone said, "oh, do you have kids?" i'm, like, "yeah, i have two daughters," and i'm, like, "why'd i just say i have two daughters?" no, jack was always happy and easy and fun and... i don't, i don't... i don't think i do see a difference. i guess jack hides his anxiety well, i don't know. they are the best. they're, like, so not cookie-cutter. and, like, they're both, like, so smart and quick and fun to be around.

they're awesome. jack: do you want this one? yaya: what? no, i want this one. jack: okay. yaya: it's purple, it matches. jack: okay. let's race them. yaya: ♪ sweet home alabama (jack laughs) jack: our friendship is this giant thing. our friendship is huge. unless you have this, you don't get it. you don't get a person, you do not, you're not guaranteed a person to be in your life from the time you can remember till now. yaya: nobody does that. like, people don't stay friends like that. jack: you very rarely get to have a person and all the (bleep) things you've done and loves you still. yaya: th's a song. - which one? - "all the things she said." - (laughing): is that t.a.t.u.?! (drums and percussion playing)

yaya: walk over? jack: i don't know, that's what i did last summer. ♪ ♪ ♪ yaya: having him in my life has been so important. we are so strongly connected in that weird way. the best thing of knowing him for 30 years

is that connection. like, we just always were. ♪ ♪

del toro: stay up-to-date on america reframed at worldchannel.org. subscribe to world channel's youtube to go beyond the lens with our filmmakers. tell us what you think using #america reframed. america reframed was made possible by the corporation for public broadcasting, the john d. and catherine t. macarthur foundation. wyncote foundation, the national endowment for the arts, park foundation, and the reva and david logan foundation.

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