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lu is my s. ren is mdaughter.and. you ow, now 're st the marthys ain . ("restle year" ezra fuan playi)♪ ooh, , oo h ♪a-lay-ga oola, ooh , ooh lo ♪♪ ooh, , oo h sha-laya, ooh , ooh laooh loo ♪♪ ♪ del toro: stay up to date on amera refram at worldchannel.or g. subscribe to world channel's youb

e to go beyond the lens with our filmmaker s. tell us what you think using #americareframed . ♪ ♪ ♪ it's 11:00 on a tuesday, and i'm staring at a computer screen working at a job picking up some part-time hour s at a job that i used to work at 15 years ago . and everything's going fin e, because it's not complicated technology

. but all of a sudde n, my heart rate's piing up really fas t, and my throat is closing u p, and my che my heart is, like, beating and this person who's trying to train me is talking and she's using word s, but, like, it's jt not computin g and, like, executions that.. . things i could just do like, an hour ag o, like, my finger just won't.. . it's like everything's in slow motion . and i know when the scales tipp ed that made the anxiety attack -- that's, like, full-blown panic attack -- come o n. it was about 20 minutes ago, someone had walk ed to the front of this store where i'm workin g. and she's so familia r, and she and i are, like, eyeing each othe r. it's like i know her face, and i know her nam e, but was like 15 years o. and, and i'm like, "you know i don't really know. " and she comes up and she said "did you say you were a teacher? " and i'm distracted, righ t? 'cause i'm trying to learn this new technolog y, and i'm, like, trying to make good impressions with new peop le and, like, manage old acquaintances and so my guard is dow n. and just instinctively i'm like

"yeah, i taught middle school in hillsboro ." and her head snaps back, and she's like "so did i for 30 years . why can't i place you? " and that's when i lost i t. because i was completely terrifie d of what she was going to say next . so i turned to the woman next to me, who's training me and i'm like "i'll be right back. " and i make a beeline to the back of the store frantically searching for the hr perso n who i just met an hour ago-- i don't even know he r. and she's walking toward me with this plat e, and there's, like, macaroni and chees e and something else it's her lunch, the poor thing . and i'm like "do you have a secd? " and she's like "yeah," probably thinkin g, "he's been here an hour, what could have happened ?" and we sit in this offic e, and these chairs are so close to each oth er it's like a closet our knees are practically touching . and i'm like "uh, you know, " and these words are falling out of my fa ce even though i'm trying to be profes h. and i'm like "do people know, like... are people, you know.. and she's like "do people know what ?" i'm like, "are they saying.. ." like, i don't really kno w, and i'm, like, just falling apart . and she... and i reali

ze she has no idea what i'm talking about . and so i sto p. and i said "i worked here 15 years ago. " and she's like, "i know. " and i said "and then i moved away "and i transitioned my, my gender identity and, and now i back. " and her eyes start filling up with tears because i realize she's in shock because i'passing as male, and she has no ide a. and she's trying to make me feel bette r in the minute, in the momen t. she's like "we're all very welcoming here ." and she actually starts to, like, tell m e about another transgender person on the staff . and i'm like "whoa, did the person disclo se that it's okay for you to say that? " and she's like "oh, i don't know. " and i was like, "you know what ? it's going to be fine, it's going to be fine. " and we kind of awkwardly wrap u p. and i stand up and i leave the office and she's kind of, like, shaking her head you know, i'm like "oh, i just floored her. " and then i'm like, "you know really, what i need is something to eat, " because hunger always mas the anxiety wors e. so i go over to the café and i'm, like, staring at the men u. i'm, like, "i can do this, i can

do this. " vegetables always is a good decisio n. i'm a health coach, i know tha t. but i can' t. like, my brain is just hijacked by this anxiet y of like, "what are people going to say? " and so people across the counter like, smiling, like, introducing themselves and like, "i can't even. " so i grab my phone and i run outsid e, and i called my mom, who answers on the first rin g, which is poignant, because we were estranged for four yea rs because of my transition . and so to be calling mom in a moment like thi s is pretty profound . and she answers; and i'm like, "mom i totally made the wrong decision ." and she's like, "what? " "why, what happened? " and she knows what i'm talking abo because 24 hours ago i was trying to decide between choosing two part-time job s, starting to get my business up and runni ng after doing it up here in boston for ten year s, got to start from scratc h. so what kind of part-time job do i pic k? other people would factor in things lik e, "well, how far is it ? "how many miles, you know, would you put on your ca r? how much gas would you use ?" so that's what i tried to decid

e. so i pick the one that's close r, and i pick t one that i used to work at as a different identity 15 years ago . so there's this added factor of me being transgende r. and i realize what brought on the anxiet y isy fear of people asking what my name used to b e and talking about pronou ns and asking invasive question s that for six years i've answere d and i'm tired of answering . and i just don't want to answer those questions anymor e. i don't want to talk about who i wa s, because what's the point otherwis e, if i don't get to be who i am now ? and my mom listens; she says "well, y had to know it was going to be like this ." and i say, "well, mom, at 3 4, i didn't really know it was going to be like this ," because that's when i transitioned . and she said "well, have you had lunch yet? " and i say, "no ." she said, "go get yourselfsome vegetable s. it'll make you feel better ." which is adorable, that my mother again, the one that i'm calling in

a moment like thi s, knows what to tell the health coach to do . so i go back insid e, and i do get myself some vegetable s, and i sit down and the anxiety goes awa y because i realize that i can't control what people sa y, i can't control what people do-- who can ? all i can control is my respons e, and that's what transition has taught m e, is that i'm going to do th at one person and one conversatio n, and probably one anxiety attack, at a tim e. (applaus e) stefan lynch strassfeld (ss): my family were mostly gay guys who were my babysitters and the guys w you know, took the pictures at my birthday parties.

and i felt like i had this amazing family. i called them my aunties. and it was a really wonderful, amazing world that came crashing down. starting in '82, the first peon i knew, died of aids. um, a young guy named steve. beth teper bt: and how old were you at the time? ss: i was ten when he was diagnosed. i remember, i was on the beach on fire island and he was coved in these purple spots and i remember asking my dad like what's wrong with steve? and my dad said, "oh has this skin cancer called kaposi's sarcoma." and i said, well what is that? and my dad said, "well nody really knows, but there are some gay men that are getting it." and within i think 2 months, steve was dead. and it was pretty much a succession of deaths of my family throughout the next decade. my step dad bill died in '87. my dad died in '91, after a really grueling six months

of me taking care of him. you know, i was 19 and i was on a break from college and was really at my wits end and exhausted from taking care of my d i called up myuntie eddie and i said "canou help? and within a week, he'd organized 40 people to do round the clock shifts. he was the only other person in the room with me and my mom when my dad died. at that point, everyone had died except for a handful of stragglers who i now hold near and dear to my heart. my aunties. it was a powerl family. there was a lot of love. and they modeled for me how to survi an epidemic even iyou were dying while doing it. ♪

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kinda broken. the truth, is i think everybody is in some way, shape, or form. people desperaly need to relate and music is this betiful tool that you can use to she who you are.