announcer: funding for the kcet "fine cut festival of films" is generously provided by the bridges larson foundation and by the national endowment for the arts, on the web at arts.gov. ♪

woman: you don't see black women get a lot of grace. i think because of...the way the world sees black women, we have had to, you know, a lot of times have this exterior to us that reflects that. woman: i conantly have pushed back on this cultural lore that says, "god will not give you something that you cannot survive.god gives us stuff all

the time, and that y may not fully survive it or you may be damaged by what happens. and so, people feel that, "oh, well, there must be something wrong with me, and i should just accept this." ♪ art allows you to bring those sort of feelings up and start to look at them in a more rational way, in a more cognitive way, if you will, especially when you cannot name something. and i mean--when i say name it, mean verbally talk about it. ♪ so, art becomes that avenue of conversation. ♪

woman: so, feel free to sit wherever. we've come here today to create community with each other and really just bear witness as we come together as black wom and create together. so, anything that comes from our innate intuition, whether it could be judged as scary or like gross or large or loud or exciting or whatever judgment we might make about it always comes from a place of how can it heal and support and be a part our authentic self. ♪

woman: i didn't think i struggled with mental health. if you had asked me, like, in my 20s, you know, college years, post-college, i would have thought i was fine, but i was like sarcastic and, like, biting like everyone else i knew. woman: mental health wasn't... it wasn't something i really paid attention to or, like, believed in. i was just like... "people just need to work harder." you know what i mean? and i was that workhorse that was just always working, working, working, working always in this, not in doing this, and it wasn't until, um, i graduated from undergrad and, like, i had time to sit with my thoughts for the first time in, like, ever. you know what i mean? and i had time to, um...

realize the things that were going on in my head that i was just blocking out for so long or choosing to ignore, and it was just all coming to, like, a head. woman: i always had this sense that, like, when i walked into a room, i was very aware of being seen, um... which is sometimes-- it's hard to say, without kind of feeling like..."wait. oh, everyone's looking at me," but there's this sense of, like... i need to be ready to be perceived and, like, the version of myself that i want to be seen has to be very intentionally put forward because... if i'm not, like, thinki about it and if i'm not aware, then, you know, there's... if i'm going to be seen, i want the version of me that is the most true and most powerful to come through.

uh, so, yeah. angelique: i'm gonna have you take your paint pen in your non-dominant hand and use your non-dominant hand to just make some big, like, right brain shapes oo your canvas. [pen rattling] ♪ marjan: even in just like using my non-dominant hand to create something just now, and then, i don't know, not feeling happy with it, but just going with the fl and allowing, i guess, the...design or whatever i am feeling to just come, like, come to the page, i guess, is something that's interesting, just allowing myself to let go and do whatever feels right and natural. ♪

angelique: it's ok to not like what's in front of you. it doesn't equate to, like, your value or your contribution or this process. brenda: and that's not normal, because when you've had a little bit of success in some things, the expectation is, you're always gonna be successful. so, people are looking at you from a critical eye. "what is she gonna do next?" angelique: yep. brenda: and it's hard to live up to that, but here it's different-- angelique: mm-hm brenda: and is... hopefully, we can take this out of this room kimberly: it's kind of like if you're playing a board game with a friend, and you realize about like 15 minutes in it's like, "oh, i'm not very good at this." [laughter]

jenile: i always want to be good at things without practicing. so, when you--when y start out doing something, it's, like, "oh, i'm not good at this?" like it's confusing. ha ha! woman: like i said, i'm a fiend of control. i really just kind of have used the last year to get comfortable in letting go. marjan: yeah. i've always had a very... difficult relationship wi my body and my weht, and it has always been a source of, like, a lot of anxiety for me. and i think it also defined the way i would show up in spaces or the way i would act. ♪ "she." was birthed out of, um, me coming to terms with, um...

being the heaviest i had ever been. i felt like if i'm quiet, nobody will realize how big i am or nobody will recognize what i look like. it's a very sad feeling, you know, not being able to look at your reflection or actively avoiding it. ♪ kimberly: i--i was aware very early that... that, like, i s mixed race and that that did feel different. my mom is a white woman. my dad is jamaican. i did not fully understand my identity. hee hee! um...i did not. i was very cringy. ohh! so i said, like, "oh, i'm the whitest black person you'll ever meet. ha ha"... which is--is hard to know

that that is a part of my history, and it's a way that i once thought of myself, um... but i also try and give a lot of grace to that kid who was, like, mostly just lonely and just, like, want... to--to know... where i stand, um... and that's still something i struggle with. jenile: vulnerability felt like weakness to me. like, i was so worried about what other people thought and how they perceived me, because i didn't want to be perceived in any way, shape, or form as weak. i didn't want to be perceived in any way, shapeor form as being uncertain. i knew the perception of, like, "you have to be better. you have to do better. you have

to perform better. you ve to, like, prove your worth." brenda: it goes back to that sort of cultural message that black women receive and women in general, but black women in particular, that, um... you can't be in pain unless you're angry. you have to deverything right. you can't be vulnerable. peoplere telling you that you can't have any pain. youon't deserve to have pain or it can't be manifested for you in any kind of way. then that shortchanges your ability to heal, because you can't heal if you can't acknowledge the pain. brenda: where we are also dying. we have diabeswe have hypertension, um...high rates of mental illness. there are so many negative

physical outcomes of harboring the anger, that 's killing us. kimberly: i, from an early age, really struggled...to... get out of sadness, um... or fear or worry. in high school, i... struggled with, um, self-harm a...bit. ha! um... yeah, i think my mom didn't really know how to handle it. she--that's... her derstanding of emotions and accessing emotions are, i think, more through this positive orientation. like, "you are feeling something and let's

deal with that." and so the the feeling of absence and what would drive someone to hurt themselves did not register for her, rely. ♪ woman: being able to like translate what's in your brain and what feels a certain way onto, like, something real, it's, like, you want that to represent you. jenile: art, i think, for me, has been so tied to, like... giving your brain that break from, like, the judgment,

the criticism, the even thinking of yourself as a fixed idea [machine whirring softly] just lift this up a little bit. you see how mommy is-- i'm like moving the clay up and making it taller. it's not center, though. you see how it's kind of flopping? boy: uh-huh. look, mommy, these are special. look. jenile: this is not centered. boy: big ones can even-- jenile: yeah, that, too. boy: i just do [indistinct] just like i'm--look. rrraaaaahh jenile: yeah, that's the one. that's theay you do it. ok, you ready to center it? so, when chige's dad and i were breaking up, um, i just needed an escape. i needed to get out of this house, and i found a 24-hour pottery studio, and i would find myself there after our son went to bed at night. i'd be there from like 9:00, 10:00 at night till 1:00, 2:00 in the morning.

and i just found so much, like, relief. ♪ i realize i was respecting his life. i had such respect for, like, like i said, this new life that i was, like, "well, i'm a life." you know what i mean? like, my life is still--and it's en ma--it's making me emotional right now, because i think of how much i was, like, not revering my own self. kimberly: and when you're playing with color, that when you're having those, like, embodied feelings of, like...

look at the way that this light is playing on-- on the page, it's much harder to be...ingenuine, i think. marjan: you know, we say, "fake it till you make it." like, that doesn't reallyork. with something like healing, you have to go through all of the feelings. you have to feel it all. um... and i think once you've done that and once time has passed and you're able to come out on the other side is only when, you know, you can--you can truly heal, at least for me. ♪ been gone a while now my body'here but pieces of my mind still nowhere near why are you hiding all that you knew? are fears unlearned back

through best parts of you? ♪ [women speaking indistinctly] brenda: i guess you need circles of people who can--will listen and not judge so that we can heal. marjan: i wrote, um, "funioning hot mess, pseudo stained glass, but colorful, thriving, existing, incomplete but perfect, process versus product. the words i cannot find, but the feeling and the emotion are on the page." jenile: "it's natural, organic. it feels incomplete and haphazard. it feels textured and, like, stones and shapes that have no meaning. it feels loose and rough around its edges. it feels like it's trying to hide something. um... my image definitely feels

like me." i guess i'll hold it up. brenda: "inly finished half of the painting, perhaps, because i'm still under construction at my age. ha! i started at the bottom. building blocks, shades and shapes, represent the different elements... uh, that make up who i am." kimberly: i--i don't want to speak for you, but, like, the representation of you that i'm seeing here i think is beautiful. you didn't--complete or incomplete, you know, i like it a lot. brenda: thanks. marjan: allowing myself to be vulnerable and allowing myself to not care that other people aren't comfortable with my vulnerability,

i think has been something challenging. brenda: i love what she said, too, about making other people comfortable. that's been my life story, and that's part of why i hide, because if i tell everything, sometimes it may seem like i'm bragging. sometimes people may not get it. and so, i always push myself in the background and make sure everybody was comfortable. woman: "the stationary sea glass is in front of me. the pieces start to move. they start to fly so fast that they leave trails of color behind them. yellow, blue, and green were more like green and deconsucted green. the beautiful meshes of color swirling and mixing give me joy and chips. omg, i had chips at the break." [laughter] that has to do with myntent, but that later.

um, "the movement isn't perturbing. it's gentle and gliding, like... a boat." kimberly: "looking at this makes me want to cry. i see so much effort in this, so much desire to articulate d a sense of failure at each stage to represent or to represent the one who notices. the one who notices is always trying to articulate to present its or my authenticity. it never comes out complete, but i paint over. she paints over and tries again, not erasing, i hope."

jenile: as we were working, we were telling ourselves, "be ok." you know what i mean? like, it's ok. like, you're not producing the "mona lisa" right now. like, that is not the goal. like--and so just having a space where you are telling yourself that, it's like working that muscle so that you can, you know, apply that in other experiences, so... brenda: i see beauty in everything that i'm looking at. and even in your notes, when you said, "i was a hot mess," it doesn't look--ha ha! that's beautiful stained glass art. i mean, people pay good money for that. i think it's interesting how we see each oer, ourselves. and what you're saying, you know, "i'm learning to be kinder to myself." and i--um, when she said that, i--that's when i saw this orange color. i saw this beautiful sunset, and it outlined the mountains in it.

i just felt peace. so, while i'm watching myself, i just felt peace. so, that's encouraging to me. it shows me that i'm changing even at the age that i'm at. you know, it's--it's im-- it's possible to heal continuous no matter how old you are. and i wish i had gotten that healing in my 20s, um, but at 58, it's still fine, so... ♪ healing is putting the pieces together. jenile: healing is staying in integrity with your own well-being. woman: healing is beautiful.

marjan: healing is necessary. kimberly: healing is something i have not quite figured out yet. ♪ can i do "healing is..." again? woman: yeah. kimberly: cool. thanks. ♪ [ticking] [beeping] ♪

[ringing] [sizzling] [beeping] [chomp] ♪ [beep] [sniffs] ♪ [sniff sniff] ♪

i'm off to work. dog: you're late! brcoli: on by about 6 mites. now, hurry. we were just about to run through tonight's menu again. how was your morning? gola: i saw an open fire today. broccoli: oh, that's cool. gola: and the first chestnut vendor was out today, too. it all smelled incredible. broccoli: oh, yeah, it's thursday. so, thomas will be around. [ord slip maine whirng] [dishes rattling] [liquid pouring] [chopping] [szling] ♪ broccoli: whoops! sorry. sorry. let meix that. you're moving st today. be careful, man.

[sizzling] [someone shouts "hot sauce] [rattling] ♪ [sniffing] ♪ [thud] [clang] dog: wt haened? and how'd

the flames get so damn big? broccoli: the hot ation go out control the burns were on too high anso the flames just kept gettinbigger. t he wasust standinghere, anit looke ke he wareachingor it? dog: what? broccoli: it was close, but he didn't get burnt. i...checked. dog: uh, good. well, ahem. get back to work. gola, get some water and take five. [staff gasps] [dog sighs] so, you did get burnt. golano, no. this is my oer hand. i think thisappened earlier today...at home? dog: never mind that. you need to go home. gola: uh, but i need to man the hostation. dog: what? no. go: but i n still rk. dog:o, gola. gola: but it dsn't hurt. dog: no!

gola: ok. dog: buton't--n't worry. we'll-- [sighs] we'll take care of everything from here. we'll see you again when youe l better, ok? and take care of those hands of yours. you need them,oo. all right, everyone, back to work. worker: ok, can somebody restart on table 7? ♪

[sizzling] ♪ [sniffs] ♪ [cnching] ♪ [knock on door] ♪ [no audio] ♪ [man singing in native american language] woman: people will say "home is where the heart is"... my heart? my heart left me many moons ago,

singing to the world from the bottom of a glass. and that's all i'm trying to get back to. i'm not trying to get back home. i'm trying to get back to me. ♪ [clarence murray's "poor boy" intro playing] ♪ a poor boy ain't got no mey he ain't got no dough but give that poor boy a pretty girl and watch that poor-- ♪ [door beeping]

man: is everything ok atome? no? woman: sure. what do you mean by ok? man: well, just like we had in the last session. are these, like, rattlesnakes in there or just a tranny? woman: and he was, like, dancing. "oh, i can dance." man: yeah? oh, i like that... yeah, out in the street. excuse me. excuse me for a second. uh, hi. hi. i'm randy. are you, uh, you gonna be joining the group tonight? woman: hey, is this the place? randy: which is... woman: ion't know. wellness class, wellness people, whatever it's called. randy: wellness people. yeah, that's us. woman: look, uh, the court gave me this paper, and i just need to find the guy who runs the whole kumbaya...so...

randy: ok, yeah, after. woman: o-ok, perfect. um, you kn, my po is probably some moron, so if i could just get you to sign this every week, i'll be in and out of your hair. so quick, you won't even s me. randy: yeah, cool. woman: that sound like a good plan? randy: a great plan. woman:ool. cool. randy: after, ok? after. hey, you're, uh, birdie blackbomber, right? birdie: blackwater. ray: blackwater, yeah, the singer. big fan! woman: lookit! that's-- oh! u're the honky-tonkin' country singer! aah! ha ha! look! look, look, look! it's birdie blackwater! aah! ha ha ha! look what--i just learned-- randy: excuse me for one second. woman: [indistinct] ha ha! ha ha! randy: anise. anise: ha ha! no. why?

randy: pepperidge. woman: farms. randy:onfinement. woman: carnival. 1947. '48. '52. '54. orchestra. [singer singing indistinctly] randy: ok, everybody grab a seat. we're about to start. if you'd like a signature, gotta join the group. ok, glad to see everody. ease? join us. man: talking to her is complicated, to say the least. she says she wants to work it out, but--and everything. i-i'm just not understanding why

she won't let me come home now. randy: what makes it so complicated, charles? charles: i don't know, just because it seems so... one-sided, just because maybe it hurts too much to show love for me. maybe i'm the one that-- woman: oh,ry us a [deleted] river, charles! charles: i'm not looking for... i don't want your sympathy, helen. helen: really? ithat why you make this a pity party every damn wee charles: just trying to express my feelings, helen. helen: ha! feelings! you ain't got no [deleted] feelings! charles: maybe you should just listen for once. helen: "maybe, maybe, maybe." maybe your problem is is that she's probably still getting her [speaking navajo] on with some [speaking navajo] night after night, while you're here [deleted] and moaning to us. anise: can i go now? uh, i probably should because, well, because it concerns me.

charles, crying: i don't know what she means. [sniffling] you know i don't know what you're saying. she knows i don't speak navajo. helen: oh, you know exactly what i said. her petite little body. she probably with that young buck right now--bigger, stronger. maybe he's black. man: no. ♪ he's definitely not black. [charles sniffling] the spirits say... [spirits whispering] he's a white. [helen laughing] [man speaking navajo] [charles crying] helen: you've been living here for, like, 3 weeks. go home and grow a [deleted] pair. [charles whimpering] anise: well, that's rough.

randy: so, miss blackwater, is there anything you'd like to share about charles' dilemma? birdie: pardon me? randy: well, in sessions like this, we like to help each other maybe find something compatible, maybe, you know, somethg beneficial. birdie: thanks, but i'll pass. [charles continues whimpering] i mean i'm no expert, but shouldn't someone be hugging him or some [deleted]? randy: would you like to hug charles? birdie: no. no, i don't want to hug him, no offense, but maybe one of you? randy: does physical affection make you uncomfortable? birdie: no, but... is this what you do all day, just letting everyone treat ch other, like--not telling them how to cope? randy: oh, people cope in many different ways. we're just kind of seeing how you cope.

birdie: i cope just fine. randy: like cherry wine. we're not sure about that. ♪ birdie: all right, this isn't about me. i mean, you don't even have tissue paper here. randy: then what's it all about? birdie: you [deleted] tell me, ok? you're the one who's supposed to have all the answers. you're the one who's holding this [deleted] stupid circle for all of us to sit here and get angry and upset and letting everyonereat each other like [deleted]. thisuy's crying in a [deleted] corner. she's saying whatever the [deleted] she wants to say. she needs a [deleted] hug. big--everybody needs a [deleted] hug in here, but you want me to tell you? you want me to [deleted] tell you what it's all about,andy? what the [deleted]? i thought it was about wellness, thought it was a [deleted] wellness class,

but i feel like [deleted] now, randy. now i'm pissed. this is what i look like pissed. [randy sighs] randy: you use alcohol because you are an alcoholic. you drink, you get drunk, you throw up, you pass out, you piss on yourself. they don't give a [deleted] about anybody. they don't give a [deleted] about themselves. you know those tremors that you wonderfully hide from us? that tells me they've been fighting this disease for a very, very long time. a long time! probably your whole entire life. ♪ [randy sighs]

i'm sorry. i am sorry. and then we have charles. good old charles. you probably think that all of us, we gang up on him because he can't cope. he doesn't have the coping skills you have. you got great copingkills. you are a functional alcoholic, but a dysfunctional-- birdie: how the [deleted] would you know? randy: how the [deleted] would i know? really? ♪ it's my job. my job. go and check that paper on there. tell me who the po is, please. go ahead, check it out. birdie: you know all that, and you don't know the name of my po? i'm in good hands with you, randy. ♪ randy: go ahead. say it out loud. who is it? what's it say? go ahead.

who is it? birdie: you know what it says. i don't need to say it out loud. randy: i'd love to hear you say it. birdie: "randy m. daws, ph.d." randy: boom! ha ha ha ha! a 'skin with a ph.d. dang! they faxed me your paperwork this morning. it's really a pleasure to meet you. charles: it's ok. i don't need a hug anyway. birdie: hey, charles, look at me. ♪ anise: holy crap! those are birdie blackwater's tits! ♪ [camershutter clicks] birdie: cope with that. ♪

randy: i'll see you next week. ♪ anise: bye, birdie! ♪ singer: ♪ handsome like the devil... ♪ birdie: how come people don't seem to realize it's [deleted] like him that make me want to drink? good lord, birdie. what the hell have you gotten yourself into? ♪

[click] ♪ [shadow's eyes blink] [muffled voices arguing] ♪ man: no. i'm sick and tired of you always doing that. woma i'm sorry. [muffledrguing continues] man:ecause you don't listen!

[muffled arguing getting louder] man: i don why you need to... why won't you just listen to me? [high-pitched tone] [gla breaks] ♪

[birds chirping] [vehicles rushing past] [rooster crows] [engine revs] ♪ man: this wide expanse of land, um, it's a total of 140 acres. no, let's see...160 acres. this is a prime example of a piece of property that could be turned into regenerative farming. the highest and best use of prime farmland is to grow food.

my name is randy bekendam. i come from a long line of farmers. both grandfathers were farmers. my father had a dairy. i went to cal poly and majored in agriculture, entered the cattle business. afr a season of that, we decided to change this farm into a vegetable-producing farm. my daughter amy works with me on the farm. her children help out, so, it's a multi- generational family effort. ♪ melissa: i'm trying to think of my whole entire history. ha ha! um, well, i grew up here in ontario. my abuelo, he was--worked in the fields. and he did that all his life. about, like, maybe, like, the seventies and the eighties when the sunkist factory was built,

he actually went over there to go work. and so, he would come home smelling like citrus all the time. so, a lot of my childhood is rooted in watching my abuelo and going to those fields and passing by them or being i those fields with him. ♪ woman: you know, this region was really founded in agriculture. it was only in maybe the 1980s when things stard to really shift. now we're looking at an area largely dedicated to the logistics industry as a kind of singular use of the land. start to see the creep-- 2005, 2010, 2015, 2020. there's about 3,000 warehouses in san bernardino county, another thousand in riverside. clustering them together equals about 35 square miles.

randy: this whole thing will be paved. imagine 160 acres under, let's just say, 3 monster warehouses. i thought this morning, "what would i say if the developers came today and said we're gonna buy amy's farm, we're gonna donate the land to your nonprofit and amy'farm can stay in perpetuity. just let us do our thing." i would turn it down. amy might not, but i would turn it down. amy's farm is irrelevant if you build all this with warehouses. we--we need to save all of this. [birds chirping] susan: there's been a huge impact environmentally in terms of greenhouse gas emissions, for example, heat, noise pollution.

[traffic noises] woman: our people are sick. they are sick. ma yeah. man: and i've seen it, and i witnessed it. and it is a result of this traffic. it is a result ofhe poor environmental quality. it is impacting our health, and we are dying younger. randy: our world view isthis is god's creatio and we are stewards, all of us. polluting... destroying is just counterproductive to what we believe, you know, god would want us to do with his creation. in this verse, the poor don't own the land. nobody's supposed to own the land. they can have their money, but we need to reclaim this land for the--for the common good. we envision a movement to create an actual food hub here that could feed ontario and cities that are neighbors to us. just one acre of our methods will feed 50 families of 4

with vegetables for a year. ♪ susan: you know, what one of the things that ontario for agriculture argues for is, like, thinking about different land uses that might have less impact and that might be better for people's health, but that could still provide jobs. the other thing about warehouses is that the jobs aren't great jobs. they're usually temporary, low pay, lot of health and safety issues. melissa: the latino community here in ontario... we still have 90% of our people who are able to work without a bachelor's degree. they go to warehouses, and they are made to believe that the only thing that they'll ever be able to do is a warehouse job, but the warehouse jobs break our bodies down, and then once you're don the warehouses throw you out. at the end of the day, what matters more? is it money or is it people? ♪

[people murmuring loudly] woman: i'm a lifelong resident of ontario. i'm here to oppose the rezoning of our local farmland into industrial use. man: what i ask is that you consider that this land is more valuable used for susinable agriculture than it is being developed. woman: i would just like you guys to consider these other creative solutions that are out there, the new technologies that are possible for ways that we can create climate resilience and better help our communities in ways th also create economic development. woman: our community leaders deserve the council th's going to fight for us. man: and so, we urge you to table this agenda item. woman: what we're asking for is to be a vision partner with you, a thought partner with you as you face the future together. thank you so much.

man: certainly, you can't expect the city of ontario to pay taxpayers' money, hundreds of millions of dollars to buy a piece of land to grow crops or not do anything, i guess. i don't know what we'd do down there. we have to look at a bigger picture. we have to make a decision based on policy. we have to make a decision based on what's best for the city and for the folkthat live and work here. man: to mewe only ve one choice that's fair to the way things go in this country. so i'm gonna just stop there and i'll entertain a motion from the council. motion by porad second by bowman. woman: shut it down! man: shut it down! crowd: shut it down! shut it down! shut it down! shut it down! shut it down! shut it down! shut it down! randy: so, unfortunately, the council did vote in favor of building more

warehouses across the street om us. ♪ when you go the industrial route, you know, all these things that aren't sustainable, you're actually rking against nature, and that's a hard row to hoe. i n't recommend it tanyone. melissa: i know that there's better, and i know that we deserve better. no one has ever been able to turn over the city council in 20 years...but we're trying. and maybe next year, we can say that we did. ♪

[a girl i know's "my man the devil" playing] woman: ♪ nights, you come down you come down you gone [indistinct] for a hundred times life don't believe [indistinct] to begin ♪ singin' like a villain wrestlin' and divine... ♪ ♪

announcer: funding for the kcet "fine cut festival of films" is generously provided by the bridges larson foundion and by the natiol endowment for the arts, on the web at

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