go too far but far enough that they can't call us back to do chores tonight." it was just more memories of it than you think. you know, you always thought of that time, it was just a lot of work, but then when you look back now, you know, it was probably some of the better times because we spent so much time together then and just working, milking cows, and raising your family. that's what farm life is. [cattle lowing] roecker: i can remember my mom always had a little book for, you know, every year that i was in school, and it always said on there, you know, "what would you like to be?" and it always said, like, "fireman, policeman, doctor," you know, and you were supposed to check what you wanted, and then there was a blank line, and then she would always write in, "farmer," and i just felt that my whole life was kind of, like, laid out before me, so

i developed a business plan, and i borrowed a few million dollars to expand my dairy here. [thrumming] you know, we wanted use technology. we wanted to be modern, so that's what i did, so in 2006, we built the current dairy that were on now, and in 2008, that's when the worldwide recession hit. i thought i was losing my family legacy that my grandfather had started back in the 1930s, and my world was crumbling around me. i was in a pretty bad place, you know, feeling that everybody knew my story that i was failing. my life was just spiralling out of control, and that's when i got depression really bad, and i went to

numerous therapists and counselors and doctors trying to get treatment for this, and i mean a lot of different therapists and doctors. i just wish i could run away because it's such a burden on you to not feel like a failure and carry on this family business, this legacy that you have. what really changed my life is, you know, visualizing my own funeral and seeing my kids there. that's what really was rock bottom for me, you know, what i was putting my kids through because i was such a low place in life, and that's how i turned things around, and that's how i pulled myself out of the depths that i was in. [birds chirping] statz: yeah. leon faced a lot of challenges with farming. he

loved farming, and when his depression became so severe where he was hospitalized, he didn't really think it was that bad. we just kept going because like a farmer, he says, "what's the option? you can't just not show up." you have to show up, and you took care of what had to be done for the day, but depression is not good. it rained, and it rained, and it rained and flooding, and just, you know, we're up on a ridge top here, but it was so wet, you couldn't get in anywhere, so by the time you planted, it was late. we mudded in a lot of corn, so we figured, "ok. it's gonna get better. it's gonna get better." well, harvest time comes, it's still raining. he just couldn't see a way out anymore.

we had gotten a call from our neighbors. we had taken care of their mother, and she was in her 90s, and their estate was being settled. his dad always told him, "whenever adjoining land comes up, you have to buy it." you know, it's what he always told him. he said, "if that land ever goes for sale, you have to buy it," because you never get an opportunity to buy land that connects to your farm. he's just like, "i think it's gonna be-- you know, i think maybe we'll talk to the bank, and we should be able to maybe get a loan to pay for that, and the boys would, you know, eventually buy it from us, and we'd work it out." well, that morning, it started raining again that night. the rain had just never stopped, and he's like, "i can't." you know, he couldn't do this anymore. he was just like, "god, it just keeps raining," and i don't know if it's just his anxiety, but i had heard him go out that morning, and i had

just headed in the house to get ready to go to work, and that's when ethan came in that he had found him, that he had hung himself in one of our buildings, and i just couldn't believe that it actually happened. he just-- that was his third attempt then, was when he died... and so then it's just been trying to figure everything out and keep the farm going, and i did. with his life insurance, i bought the land, yep, so his legacy lives

on. it's what he wanted. [chainsaw starts] grout: for almost 9 months now, i've been coming up here, usually by myself because my wife is working full-time. i think the first couple months, 3 months, 4 months after the fire, i only slept 3 hours a night or so, 4 maybe, and there was just so much to do and so much to learn about insurance and the county permits and meetings and cleanup and disposal of toxic ash and all the various things you have to go through. it's been taxing to me personally, and i know my lack of good humor and

resilience at times has had its effect on my marriage and relationships, friends. these lands were basically fire-resilient when european americans first got here because they'd been undergoing prescribed or natural burns from the native americans and/or lightning for about every 5 to 6 years. that was the fire return in this redwood forest, and a hundred years of smokey the bear suppressed all forest fires. that policy went on to the point that it was just creating-- every year they successfully put out a fire was another year that more fuel was being added to the bonfire. we're members of

a not-so-exclusive club anymore and one i would not wish to invite anyone into, but it's coming to-- you know, if it doesn't come to your house, you'll be evacuated out of it because it's coming close one of these days, so it's one of the unfortunate things you're gonna have to live with as global climate change and global warming really starts showing us what it can do. diane: we're very concerned about the upcoming fire season. it also corresponds with our grape harvest. last year, we lost a lot of grapes to smoke. it's hard to work all year just to have it lost to smoke in 4

or 5 days. the stress is very high, i think, for everyone here. i think that some people are definitely suffering some from what we would call ptsd. you just go on facebook, everyone's like, "i see smoke. i smell smoke. what is that?" there's lots of talk about canceling fourth of july fireworks celebrations. people are asking, "why is that important?" because it could potentially be dangerous, so everyone is on a very heightened level all the time as to how fires start and how devastating they are, so, yeah, the mental-health part is a huge part of it. john: it's been a lot of fun learning how to grow high-end, pinot noir and chardonnay, and i'm very blessed working with some great wineries and winemakers over the last

20-plus years, but i have to say, the last few years, there are times when i wonder how much longer i can keep doing this. these extra layers of unplanned events, it's taken its toll, so i hope i can stick it out. i love what i do, but it does wear on you. it's interesting when you, say, ask me how important the land is to me because...

i'm 59 years old, and i've lived in 3 places, and they've all been right here on west side road, so it's very much a part of my family's history, my life. hopefully, it'll be a part of my kid's life, too, in some form. we're not sure yet, but a tremendous amount of meaning. maybelle: i try to give water to the horses that are still out here. i try to do that, but now i don't see any.

there's just a few running here and there. "if you have horses, that brings rain." that's what my grandpa used to say. like, certain places you go, you'll see dead trees, like, in a line. i've seen some of those, and i just think to myself, "is that global warming? what does that mean?" my husband's always talking about it, but i really don't. leonard: i see it. you know, you go out there, and you see it, and that's what you have to do. you have to feel it. you have to see it. you have to smell it. you have to live it. you have to touch it. this is very, very important, global warming. people, they kind of

don't want to believe in it just like what we dealt with with the virus. i feel so sorry for these families that lost loved ones, you know, due to this crazy thing that's among us. i feel so sorry for my wife. she lost her mom, her dad, her younger sister, her oldest brother. she is so strong as of today, she does everything, tries to keep her family's livestock intact. i think she feels better when she goes out

there and looks after her parents' livestock what they left for her. that is very, you know, heartwarming to me, you know, how she goes out there, you know, and does what she has to do, you know. maybelle: i had my ppe stuff, everything when i went there to visit them, but somehow my dad caught it, and i didn't want to lose him, so when he passed, i took everything off, and i gave my dad a hug. that's what i did to myself, but i wasn't supposed to do that. leonard: it's the strength that she has. that's what keeps the the family going, and so--

maybelle: when i'm out here, i can feel their spirit. i can feel my sister's breath because she will always be sitting in the back of my car, and she would joke with me, and i could feel her breath on the back of me, and i really do feel their spirit, and it makes me happy and strong out here. when i get down and start thinking about them, i come out here and then spend the whole day out here, and their house in back of me, i want to keep it up as long as it can stand up and let it fall by itself. [wind whistling] i belong here. that's why this land is very important to me. it releases all my stress and my pain, and it makes me stronger again.

[birds squawking] [birds chirping] statz: randy and i have known each other since school. we went to school together. we actually went to prom together. a lot of people in the community knew of randy because they had build a new free stall. everything was good, and then his depression hit. roecker: when i went through my struggles in 2008, i felt so alone, that there was nobody out there to help me. nobody understood depression. it wasn't ok to talk about it. it was a stigma associated with it, and you're just kind of isolated, and you suffer alone, and i always said i suffered alone in silence because it's like, nobody--i didn't know

where to go. statz: to my husband, it was embarrassing. he would never let me tell anyone that he was on medication or what he was going through. he was always worried what other people thought of him, and i'm like, "leon, it's no different than--" i said, "you would talk to everybody and tell your story if you break your arm or if something else would go wrong, but you can't tell anyone that, "hey, i have a mental health crisis that i am trying to figure out?" i mean, to a lot of people, it's an embarrassment, and i'm like, "no. stand tall and own it and say, "i'm gonna get through this." roecker: so then in 2018, that happened with leon, brenda's husband, and that set me back to where i was in my own personal struggles. statz: when leon passed away, his funeral, and randy tried to

come, and he called me later, and he said, "you know, i really tried, but," he said, "i just couldn't go. i couldn't go," and i said, "that's fine," and that's when he told me that he's gonna figure out something. we're gonna do something. roecker: that's why i started this group down at church down here, and i called up brenda, and i said, "you know, we would like to get together and do something like this," and i didn't know if it was gonna be too soon after leon had passed away, and i didn't want to push her into something like that, but i wanted to have her involved. statz: i said, "i don't know if i'll talk, but i will come," and was very nervous going to the very first meeting. we ended up with 40 people at our first meeting, and they came from everywhere. i mean, there is a need.

roecker: and that was the beginning of the farmer angel network, so we got together, and there was a lot of tears shed at the first couple of meetings. i got a call last week from a farmer, and he wanted to know what the next step would be to get help for his nephew. statz: there are so many crises lines out there, but people don't know they're there. roecker: well, the thing of it is, too, i think that... woman: i went to my first meeting just out of curiosity and just to kind of learn more. i thought, "we have to have ourselves a..." we were struggling ourselves about making a change out of dairy farming. it just felt so unnormal to me to not get up and go to the barn right away. i just wanted to see what help there was available for us. once i found out the resources that are available to farmers, i just really felt a call like i can help other people learn about this. roecker: 800 suicide-prevention number, i had that magnetic

sticker stuck all over the house, and when it comes right down to it, i don't think i'd ever call it. first of all, i always thought that basically they'd come and take you away and lock you up someplace, and you have that fear deep down that they're gonna commit you if you call that number. statz: because, like, with leon when we had to call, they took him away in the car, and he just looked at me. "i'm not a criminal. why do i have to be handcuffed and put in a car?" but it's protocol to keep the officers safe if they're in the vehicle with them, and so they're changing that that now they have a crisis team that goes to the--and they don't handcuff them, and they talk them through it and get them to a safe place. harms: it didn't start out with the name farmer angel network. you know, it was a meeting on farm suicide and farmer stress. after the first winter of meetings, we kind of recognized that that's really not that inviting to people to come in and to seek help. actually, i think i can take a little credit for developing the name farmer angel network. we just

really felt, "how can we support people in a way that is unassuming, not intrusive in their lives?" and i think if we can help save one person's life by having the information available to them, to their loved ones that are supporting them, i think we've done a very good deed. statz: i'm hoping that we can help people find their joy and realize, "hey, maybe it isn't so bad. i can get through this," and i've heard that from people that have come to those meetings, you know, "i just needed to talk to someone," and once they verbalize it and let it out, they're like, "it's gonna be ok." this is all the new land that i

bought after leon had passed away. i do a lot of thinking after leon passed away. i drive out here a lot. it's just peaceful, and it's beautiful year-round. no matter when you come back here, it's a very calm place to come to. i mean, i can shut the motor off, and you'll see. it is just peaceful out here, and you just hear the wind, and it's-- this is what i love. [breeze blowing] john: here in the united states, we're such a big country that sometimes you don't really understand what other local communities are faced with. i remember reading

about some of these organizations that have started up to help. i think those are really good programs, and hopefully, they are helping those farmers get through those difficult times. diane: i think it would be helpful if there were more people to help out with the emotional stress and the caring for other people. roecker: i do enjoy producing a quality product for not only americans, but all over the world, and, you know, my milk gets turned into cheese and butter and yogurt, so i enjoy doing that, but it's just, i still struggle every day with it. i do. i struggle every day with it. yeah. grout: i soldier on. i may not smile as much as i used to, but certainly, i'm getting to the point now where the cleanup is starting to wrap up and we're starting to think about what we'll rebuild, and that part gives me hope, and it's a much more constructive and creative

process to rebuild something and to rebuild a life here. it may not be what it was, but it'll be something new and different, and in time over the next decade or two, hard work and sweat equity, it will be something we can be proud of, and we can say, "that's ours. we rebuilt that," and hopefully, it'll be, you know, if not fireproof, at least fire-resilient. leonard: we, as the people, have to know what environment is and how our land should be utilized and taken care of. maybelle: we need to do our prayers together again. it would be really neat to have rain and snow and all the livestocks back again. statz: it's a hard life, but yet it is a wonderful life, and people just need to see that we all need that little bit of

outreach sometimes to make it through and that there'll be better days ahead, i always say. roecker: it's a human connection. it's a family history connection. it's a business connection, so it encompasses so much of who i am and what i've done. statz: don't give up. keep going because in the end, it's worth it. i mean, this is your farm. this is your legacy, and hopefully, people realize you didn't quit. that's what i know. i don't quit.

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male announcer: this program was made possible with generous support from the open rivers fund, a program supported by the william and flora hewlett foundation, patagonia media grants, the maybelle clark mcdonald foundation, the freas foundation, the dalton family trust, and the north umpqua foundation. ♪♪♪