21 years ago jack mcgary and an accomplice hatched an evil plan. >> it was always in the deep woods to us. >> to murder mcgary's best friend. >> he was walking around with it because i didn't know what was going to happen. >> things got desperate. >> i saw him hit him with a pair of nunchakus in the head, and i

froze. and i heard cops. i started running. >> for mcgary, the horror had just begun. >> i steered away from god the whole time. ♪ ♪ ♪ >> and now comes the part which i really don't want anybody to know. >> he told me i'd become such a monster that i had to be put away. ♪ ♪ ♪ not ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

♪ california state prison solano has more than 6,000 inmates and each one has a secret. admitting your crime can get you killed in prison. but for six months our cameras will follow five inmates do the unthinkable, tell the truth about their crimes. this is jack mcgarey's story. >> my name is jack mcgarey doing 16 years to life for murder. i was 16 years old when i came to prison. i'm been in prison longer than i was out there. >> when jack mcgarey was taken

he planned the ultimate betrayal, to kill his best friend. >> we hatched this plan to bring luke to the spot and we would kill him. >> we threw him off the embankment and i heard cops. i started running. i killed him, what kind of worthless scum, piece of crap am i? less than a week after the murder, mcgarey was arrested. since that day a prison cell has been the only home he's known. >> this is my cell. i would estimate it's 9 by 12 for two people.

this was it right here. this is the scope of my existence. >> but with a parole hearing in less than five months, he has his sights set on freedom. >> tension in the unit. you need to report down to the counselor's office. >> i got to head off to the meeting. got to get over there at 2:00 when the meeting is at. >> to prepare himself for a chance at release, mcgarey has joined a peer therapy group. he's hoping the sessions will reveal what motivated him to kill, and for the first time, tell the complete story of the night of the murder. >> so, hi, everybody. >> my name is larry, and i'm really excited about this group. >> of all the rehabilitative programs offered at solano, this therapy group is the most intense. >> i need to learn to express myself. >> not only does it help inmates come to terms with why they

committed their crimes, it also asks them to consider the impact it had on their victims. >> the purpose is to give these guys an opportunity to do some real heavy, deep exploration into how they became who they became and ensure themselves and ensure society that they're never going to be that person again. >> we always hold them accountable for their crime and for their actions. and what this whole program does is teach empathy. this is the real work of prevention. >> you guys have to remember that -- i want you to try to remember this is a journey and not a trip. i believe they all want to get it out somehow, but they don't know how to do it. if we give them the guidelines and confidentiality and safety of this group, they can do that. >> i think trust and openness has to be earned, and that's never automatic in prison. >> there's a code in prison. you don't talk about your crime. normally this group is confidential, but these inmates

have agreed to take a risk. for the next six months they will allow our cameras to follow as they reveal their darkest secrets. >> we're going to learn that we're keeping confidentiality, so take risks. one of the things we asked them to do today is to write a letter to that little boy inside of them and telling them what they know now that can help that child then to make different choices. >> most of these men have never spoken of their childhood to anyone. today inmate mcgarey breaks the silence. >> this letter is to you, jack. you just turned 14. when you were little, you idolized and feared dad, but he never really seemed to care. never returned your affection. ♪ ♪ when i was a little kid, i guess

my dad was an alcoholic, and -- but my mom says i used to be scared of him. and i guess there was times when he would come home drunk and do the i'm going to teach my boys to fight and start smacking me and my brother around. they say i would just go into a rage and attack him and he'd smack me hard and i'd just keep going. there's one thing you must know. something no one thought even needed to be mentioned. killing is not okay. it's not the answer to any problem. it doesn't just make things go away. what it does is cause pain and sorrow and misery. don't kill people. it's not okay. coming up, jack mcgarey left his friend for dead, but his role in the crime was just beginning.

>> my whole concept of killing someone was like what you see in the movie, "friday the 13th," whack, they'd fall down, you know? and later, with his parole hearing coming up, mcgarey is trying to walk the line but trouble in the yard puts it in jeopardy. >> i'd rather risk getting killed than defend myself.le listen to the following menu. for convertibles, press star one. i didn't catch that. to speak to a representative, please say representative now. representative. goodbye! you don't like automated customer service, and neither do we. that's why, unlike other cards, no matter when you call chase sapphire preferred, you immediately get a person not a prompt. chase sapphire preferred. a card of a different color. (phone ringing) chase sapphire preferred, this is julie in springfield. i'd like a decaf 360 calories please. i'll have a triple iced 410 calories please. you know what...

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♪ ♪ ♪ for over two decades, inmate jack mcgarey has been living with a dark secret. >> i, you know, did this to a guy i claimed as my best friend. >> did you use your hands or did you use a weapon? >> i used a weapon. as far as that, can we talk about that later?

♪ ♪ >> over the next five months, mcgarey will have to learn to open up about the night he murdered his best friend, but out in the yard he can't show his emotions. he has to play it tough if he wants to stay alive. >> well, this is the yard here, yard one, csp solano. this is actually the wrong side of the yard for me to be on, because this is the technically the northerner side of the yard. generally when i'm over here i'm either going or coming, but i'm never staying. it's not where i hang out. >> with the parole hearing in less than five months, mcgarey is trying to stay off everyone's radar, but walking with a tv crew is bringing him unwanted attention. >> i can't believe you're letting them videotape you. >> yep.

i'm not scared. i don't have crimes that i haven't been convicted of. i don't have rape victims who are going to go, hey, that's the guy who got me. i don't mind being videotaped, dumb ass. >> on the yard, a comment like that could get you killed, so the inmates out here segregate themselves by race, ready to protect their own at any cost. >> there's always tension between some of the races. at any moment the whole flood of 30 or 40 guys could come rushing over to this side of the yard, just to attack any white guy they can find. so that's one of the things you have to be mindful of. >> two weeks ago a gang-related stabbing brought the yard to its knees. if mcgarey gets caught in the middle of something like that, his chances at parole could be over. >> so for me, i'm always thinking defensively. my biggest fear is getting a write-up because i don't want to screw up my chances of paroling.

you know? i'm ducking and dodging and making sure i stay out of the way. ♪ ♪ >> but to get out of prison, mcgarey has to do more than stay out of trouble. he has to prove to the parole board he can support himself. >> mcgarey. got you. >> to pick up a trade, he works four days a week at solano's metal lab, commonly known as the schick shack. the 200 inmates that work here manufacture products like dump trucks and lockers, all using metal that could easily be made into weapons. for this reason, every time an inmate leaves the metal lab, they are strip searched and sent through a metal detector. >> they see everything. if you've got an ice cube in your cup, they see that.

>> what we have here is an article of clothing. see the zipper, and this is obviously contraband. it's a single-edge razor blade. >> in prison it's easy to make enemies. if an inmate planted an item like this on mcgarey, he could forget parole. instead he'd be looking at time in the hole. this is the risk he takes every day just to keep his job. >> i'm an industrial electrician. that's what i'm primarily trained as. checking each part. sometimes you have to find the one that goes bad. >> mcgarey makes 60 cents an hour or $60 a month. it's a fraction of what he could make on the outside. but even if he makes parole, finding a job could be near impossible. >> i can understand an employer's reluctance to hire someone who's been convicted of a murder. >> the prison doesn't take it lightly either. >> everybody got an assignment, got your bids.

>> cadets have been brought in to search for hidden weapons in the yard and in cells. >> we got a tip-off that there was a cell phone in here. >> earlier a cop was even saying there might be weapon stock in this room we're in right now, in the shop. i've got to say, what the hell do i need to make a weapon for? okay? let's get real. this is the reality of it. this is where i work, and i know where every one of them tools are. if i lose one of them, i'm going to the hole, and maybe half the shop with me. coming up, as mcgarey visits with his wife, a search for contraband sends officers to his cell. >> they came and searched. they tore up the house pretty good. and later, mcgarey reveals what really happened that night at the levee. >> it's kind of a story that i think all of us go ugh with. it's a very heinous crime.the come at just the right speed,

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♪ ♪ ♪ as the search for contraband tears through solano prison, inmate jack mcgarey hopes he doesn't get caught in the crossfire. >> they're searching for weapons. they've had some racial unrest here, and they have to try to make sure to get as many weapons off the yard as they can. >> search inside the short waist pants. >> searches like this are necessary to keep weapons and drugs off the yard. >> this is a blade. >> and they're looking for cell phones and other things. there's quite a lot of stuff floating around. >> two cell phones -- two cell phones, charger, bluetooth and i guess tobacco probably. >> it's amazing when you consider a guy has to pay 400 to 600 bucks to get a cell phone, and they'll catch two or three a week. that's a lot of money. >> mcgarey's building is next on the search list.

even if he's clean, there's no telling what other inmates might have stashed in his cell. ♪ ♪ >> boy, they sure went through it all, didn't they? they didn't miss a beat. let's see what they put on here. i had these pair of shoes for -- i've had them for, like, ten years. >> the officers have confiscated mcgarey's shoes. until they investigate, they must assume he's altered them to hide weapons and drugs. >> now i have to just go and put it all back together. kind of know what it's like to be robbed now. ♪ ♪ >> after weeks of meetings, the inmates are finally gearing up to talk about their crimes. >> i always hate having to talk about the crime. it's very tough.

>> soon mcgarey will have to tell the group about the night he murdered his best friend. >> i pulled out a machete and was walking around with it, and then cyril hit him with a pair of nunchakus in the head, and i froze. and i heard cops. see, in my mind, when you die, that's it, you're gone and no one remembers you anymore. >> this idea that no one remembers the dead is a major part of mcgarey's story. it goes back to a childhood memory. one that mcgarey says planted the seed for murder. >> how do you talk about bob and who he was and what role he played in your life? >> seventh grade, bob was like the way-cool guy. he was that guy. he was, i mean, just like my best friend.

i was 12 when i met him. he was like one of the cool kids. for someone like me that never really felt accepted by anyone, to have a friend like bob was like really huge. we spent a whole summer just running amok. i got a call, and my mom said that bob had shot himself in the head. he was playing with a gun. and i said, okay. and it started sinking in. i wanted to kill myself, and i thought of how much i was feeling like then. i couldn't do that to my family,

so i just kind of -- i held it all inside, like i'd always done. it was just a long pattern of everything i seemed to care about went away. from friends and animals, and that was just the latest and the hardest one. and that's how i came to the conclusion that when you die, you just vanish and you're gone because no one ever talked about him anymore. no one ever said, how are you doing with that? i mean, it was just gone. it was gone. not feeling loved and having bob die, which was -- when you die, you're gone and that's it. i never seen the body or nothing. in my mind he just vaporized. it was those things that led me to my mindset that said if i kill luke, everything he did and all the problems associated with him will be gone. >> that was one of the things i wasn't buying. if you're dead, you're dead and you're gone and nobody thinks about it. you know that's not true. you know it now, yes, of course. you had to know it then, too. you can't be 17 years old and

not know that. >> i was pretty screwed up. in that very short period of time, a lot of conclusions i made about life, about death, and about the way things worked were totally wrong. coming up, a violent attack could mean the end of mcgarey's hopes for parole. >> i'd rather risk getting killed just out of fear of not screwing up and getting out of here. later, the shocking details about mcgarey's return to the scene of the crime. >> that's what i did. that's why i'm here. hey... there's mom! hey, let mom try. ready, go! ♪ yeah, rock on, mom! [ male announcer ] sometimes a hint is all the wrapping a gift needs. wait a minute...i... [ laughs ] [ male announcer ] the lexus december to remember sales event is here,

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>> hello. i'm milissa rehberger. police in boston e viktsed about 150 occupy protesters from a city park early this morning. about 46 were arrested after they refused to leave the camp they set up in the end of

september. nobody was injured. a funeral will be held on monday for the slain virginia tech police officer. he was shot and killed on tuesday by a 22-year-old man who later killed himself. the gunman's motive remains unclear. now back to "conviction." ♪ ♪ ♪ after weeks of talking about their childhood, the therapy group is switching gears. it's time for jack mcgarey to talk about the crime and what motivated him to murder his best friend. >> jack, welcome. >> jack's in the hot seat. >> jack don't like the hot seat. i was 17 years old. i had a girlfriend, first serious relationship i'd been

in. i kind of thought she was everything. kind of placed her up on that pedestal. she was like the world to me. we'd only been together for six months, but we didn't really sleep much throughout those six months. ♪ ♪ i was deathly afraid of losing her. i felt like this was the one person that cared about me. ever. before her and i were together, she had been with my friend named luke, and she said that he would get mad at her and hit her. one day in my anger over the situation with luke and her, i called up a friend of mine, cyril, and i was like, let's kill luke. just pissed off. he was like you're drunk, dude and hung up the phone. two weeks later he showed up and he's like, yeah, let's do it. i'm like, what are you talking about? let's kill luke.

that was all the encouragement i needed. >> did you ever talk to luke about beating your girlfriend? you never had a direct conversation with him about it? >> no. a long time ago luke and i made a pact we'd never let anybody come between us, girls or anything like that. that's when he said this is different. so when that happened, i just kind of -- that was the end of our relationship as friends. i just wanted him to go away. i just wanted the situation to be resolved. see, in my mind when you die, that's it, you're gone and no one remembers you anymore. >> so basically it was -- would you say an act of desperation that you killed him? >> at the time i thought she was the only person on the face of the planet that ever would love me, because up until then i never really felt loved by anyone, you know.

so -- >> thank you, jack. >> i probably killed the one guy that would have loved me to the end. >> after the session, mcgarey escapes back to his cell. but even away from the group, the darkest secret is the one he wrestles with in his own mind. >> you know, that i did this to a guy who i claimed as my best friend for a long time, and to have killed him, you know, what kind of worthless, scum, piece of crap am i? i'm not still that guy that -- the decisions that 17-year-old kid made. trying as hard as he could to figure out and understand this world, you know, and growing up.

i'm not the monster i thought i was. >> come friday, the stress of the therapy group is gone, and jack mcgarey's only focused on one thing. >> my top priority is go to chow, get back and get a shower, and get ready for a visit. she goes out and gets a pass, and then she has to wait until they open up visiting. i shave. i trim the mustache, the hair's got to be right. getting more and more grays. she counts, and she's up to like 1,220 visits. probably be another hour before she gets here. >> every week for the past ten

years mcgarey's wife drives, checks in, waits for sometimes as long as three hours to be searched for contraband like drugs and cell phones before she can see her husband. >> mcgarey, you have a visit. >> then when they call me, i'm gone. i got one goal in mind, get out there to see her. and even after ten years, i still get really nervous. >> mcgarey met his wife in prison while attending another inmate's wedding, and after 22 months of visits, they married. inmates with no set parole date aren't allowed conjugal visits so they've never been alone in the ten years they've been married. >> we're having more time together, quiet time face-to-face with nothing to do but talk than most married couples get in any amount of time out there. >> anything on you? >> and a wedding band. >> mcgarey never imagined he'd

fall in love again. his last relationship ended in murder. >> it wasn't love at first sight because i was so withdrawn. i was so closed. before i fully committed to allowing myself to love her, i mean, i had to struggle because it was a scary thing. my last bout at love kind of turned out bad, you know. i ended up in prison and made some horrible mistakes and hurt a lot of people. she made huge sacrifices for this relationship. sometimes she gets a little frustrated with how long it's taking, because we don't know when i'm going to get out. >> with a parole hearing in less than five months, mcgarey's more hopeful than ever that this time they'll let him go free. >> it's mostly all about her and

me. being together. i want to spend some time with her. i want to do some living, you know. i'm going to get a job. i'm going to go to work, and i'm going to go home. ♪ ♪ >> yeah, i saw them take him to the hole. >> i hear a lot of things, but i don't really acknowledge anything until i find out what happened. >> you never know who you're going to see next, who is leaving and who is coming. there's all these tests and challenges. it's just however we choose to respond to them. >> the rumors i heard was that

there was some disrespect between the whites and the southern mexicans, and the whites were jumped by the southern mexicans. jack was taken to the hole. >> if mcgarey was involved in a riot, mike brewer wants the truth. this will be the first time any tv crew has filmed inside the solano's administrative segregation unit, better known as the hole. ♪ ♪ >> what were you doing? i came by to see you. >> hey, now. how you doing? >> i'm doing fine. wow, it don't look like you can see too well, huh? >> no. i'm in prison, but this is the prison within the prison, and this is where you don't want to be. had a little incident on the yard on monday.

i ended up under three individuals who were pummeling me in the face. my left eye is mashed up pretty good. i got a -- i think i got kicked in the ribs once, and i started just backing up trying to get the hell out of there, waiting for the cops to come and save my ass, which they did. if the cop hadn't come over and got them off me, i'd have probably been in worse shape than i am. all i can think of is getting to see my wife. that's all i want. >> while mcgarey's in the hole, the prison will investigate the incident and determine who will get a permanent write-up called a 115. one of these could jeopardize any chance he has of parole. >> five months to the board, so if i get a 115 and go to the board, they'll deny me parole. getting out is worth a lot more than, you know, defending myself.

that's what it's come down to. i'd rather risk getting killed than defend myself. just out of fear of screwing up and not getting out of here. i can heal. you know, this will all go away, but i can't make a 115 go away. so i'll take an ass whooping every time. coming up, jack mcgarey's future hangs in the balance. >> is he more likely to be a victim again because he was a victim once? later, the group pushes mcgarey to tell his secrets. >> i tell him, luke, i got to kill you or i'm going to get in trouble. he said, you don't have to. i won't tell anybody. he was screaming for god the whole time. ♪ ♪

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♪ ♪ ♪ with inmate mcgarey in the hole, the harsh reality of prison life puts the group on edge. >> very upset to hear about jack and concerned because i realize how much i don't know the culture here. is he more likely to be a victim again because he was a victim once? we need to move forward and continue the work that we're doing here which is so important. >> you know, i think it's really important that we remember the environment in which we're asking these guys to do this kind of work. there's so many day-to-day things that are so impactful in so many negative ways that, you know, i don't think if i were on the outside and i had a particularly bad day that i could go home and effectively work on the homework that we're asking them to do.

♪ ♪ >> after almost a week in the hole, mcgarey is released back to his old building. >> it's home. home away from home, anyway. you know, it's better than being in the hole. >> but now he has a new cell and a new problem. >> i got my 115 right here. it says i was involved in a riot. if i have to, i'll have the officer who was there come in as my witness and let them know that i wasn't actually fighting so that they'll dismiss it. >> this 115 could ruin mcgarey's chance of ever getting out of prison and starting a new life. on top of everything, he must decide if he's going to come clean about the night of the crime to the group tomorrow.

♪ ♪ >> this is the hardest one. that's why i haven't gotten it done yet. this is the trauma assessment where we write out in great detail the crime, what actually happened. i was supposed to write this as if luke's family would be reading it to answer their questions. so they want it very detailed. you can't write as fast as you can think, so you have to keep thinking about it. that's really -- it's really hard to do. >> all right, boys. lights out now.

>> this is the first time he's telling this story in such detail. and get the emotional impact of what they did. this is where they also begin to know that the survivors need details. >> jack is a very emotional person, and jack has a lot of good qualities. jack's crime was pretty horrific, and sometimes jack has trouble discussing his crime. we still have to progress through that and get to the other side to see what healing he can do. >> as far as i'm concerned, when i sit down i think about my crime, i'm the worst guy in the group. >> you know, when he tells his story, it's kind of a story we all go ugh with. just -- i mean -- it's a -- it's a very heinous crime. >> jack mcgarey was in a love triangle, and he and an accomplice had a murderous plan

to solve the problem. kill mcgarey's best friend, luke. this is the first time mcgarey tells the details of that night. >> we hatched this plan to have cyril bring luke to this spot, and then we'd kill him. >> i thought you said jack was going to be here? >> the levee had always been a place where we always went and played and ran around and it was like the deep woods to us. as i was walking to go to my little hiding spot, it was kind of dark. i was actually scared, so i pulled out the machete and was walking around with it. i didn't know what was going to happen. cyril pushed him off the embankment. i started running.

i only got like halfway there, and then luke was already trying to climb back up the embankment. and he had his knife. and cyril said, what are you going to do with that knife? and luke stabbed him in the leg. and then cyril hit him with a pair of nunchakus in the head. then i froze. and i heard cops. [ siren ] i meet up with cyril, and we're trying to run. and he's like, i can't go, just go. now comes the part which i really don't want anybody to know. coming up, mcgarey's crime didn't end when he ran away. the final shocking moments are revealed. hey, the new guy is loaded with protein!

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♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ i pulled out the machete and was walking around with it. >> jack mcgarey is coming to terms with who he is and the murder he committed. after he and his accomplice fled the crime scene, the terror was just beginning. mcgarey says he had to finish what he started. >> i ran about a quarter mile down the levee. instead of going home or something, i like a dumb ass looked down the levee and i don't see any flashlights or anything. i think to myself, the cops would have flashlights.

i run back. and luke's trying to crawl away. i pick up the machete, and i tell him, luke, i got to kill you, or i'm going to get in trouble. he said, you don't have to. i won't tell anybody. and i'm right here. i just started hitting him. thinking if i hit him in the back of the neck he'll just die. the machete is bouncing off his head. it sticks, and i think, one more to make sure. one more to make sure. he was screaming for god the

whole time. and i see the cop cars pull into the park. i take off and i run. for a long time it haunted me. that's what i did. that's why i'm here. >> thank you, jack. are you okay for feedback? >> yeah. >> when you told the story, you kept saying so i hit him again, so i hit him again. were you hitting him or stabbing him? >> i was chopping him. it was a machete. >> you were not hitting with the side of the machete, you were hitting with the blade. >> double-handed overhead. they identified his body and

both his hands had been nearly amputated. >> it was kind of amazing he didn't stab you, huh? you're trying to kill him, and he's got a knife in his hand and he's not fighting back. >> he could have. he could have. like my wife says, he loved me more. he had a free shot. if he had, he'd be alive. if he'd have stabbed me, he'd be alive. >> i'd like to go in different direction if we can for a minute, because we're really talking about a story that the survivor needs to hear. so i'm luke's mom, and i need to know what happened next. what did you do? did you just leave him there? did you -- what did you think? did you think about him after you left him there? >> yeah. >> did you care that he was dead?

you didn't have to do it. >> i'm sorry. i didn't -- i didn't know what else to do. that was the only thing i knew to do. >> breathe. breathe. thank you for going there. i want to thank you for trusting us and giving us your trust. that's huge for me, so thank you. >> okay, guys. wow already another heavy day. >> thanks, jack. >> jack mcgarey was sentenced to 16 years to life for the murder of his best friend. and even though it's been 21 years since the crime, he still struggles to live with himself and what he's done.

>> i'm not good with words. i'm not -- i don't -- i'm not like that. i can fix stuff and build stuff, but explaining, expressing, i don't know how to say it. how sorry i am. it sounds so pathetic to say i'm sorry. you say i'm sorry when you spill something on somebody. what do you say when you kill someone's --♪ >> now that he's confessed all of the details of the murder, the final step is confronting the emptiness of a life his victim luke never had a chance to live. >> luke will never get to have

kids. luke will never get to see his prayers answered. >> definitely they have to always hold on to the truth. >> luke will never get to see love in his wife's eyes. >> i don't ever want them to stop remembering that. >> luke will never get to have another christmas. >> we all walk with our past. you have to walk with that. >> luke will never get to hope again. luke will never get to know how sorry i am. i miss him a lot. he was a good friend. he was a better friend than i was. i went a long, long time without feeling anything. then when i started feeling again and i just worry that i

won't feel. sometimes i hold back a little because i don't want to be all better as far as it -- i don't want to dishonor him or his memory by forgetting. i mean, i'll never forget it, but -- but i just don't want it to go away. i can pass for a regular person out there. you wouldn't know. but i'm not going to -- this isn't going to be the little secret. i'll scream it from the mountaintops. don't let this happen. i owe him that much.