shawn mefford was a career criminal with a violent m.o. >> i would put fear in your life, and you would feel the fear. >> but there's one crime that even he can't forgive. >> i tied a person up and terrorized him and left him on their floor tied up.

one of the things that the victim and i both know is i could have harmed him a lot more than i did. there's a chance he couldn't be here today. >> what exactly happened that night is a well-guarded secret, but 27 years later is it safe for mefford to reveal the awful truth? >> what happens in my life happened in my life. do i want to share it with 3 million people watching this show? i may not. >> and out comes the part which i really don't want anybody to know. >> the judge told me that i'd become such a monster that i had to be put away.

california state prison solano has nearly 6,000 inmates and each one has a secret. admitting your crime can get you killed in prison. but for six months, our cameras will follow as inmates do the unthinkable. tell the truth about their crimes.

this is shawn mefford's story. >> my name is arthur mefford. i'm serving a 54-year to life sentence under the california three strikes law. >> arthur mefford was a career criminal with a string of aliases. these days he goes by shawn. >> i did drugs out there. i chased women out there. i shot dope for 20 years, and if i wasn't using you for my betterment and you weren't doing what i was doing, i was running over you and didn't care. >> but with a rap sheet that spans decades, there's one crime that still haunts him. >> i walked by this house. i thought it was empty. broke into the house. was confronted by a person, and i subdued him.

i ransackled his house. i was in the house probably 15 minutes tops. >> mefford has never fully revealed all of the events that took place that night. he thinks he's finally ready to open up. >> hey, tower. >> but fears what may happen if he tells the whole story. >> you know, in my mind's mind tells me, you know what? suppress it, you know. deal with it yourself and be safe. >> on the yard the inmates have their own form of justice. any information they can get about mefford and his crime could be used against him. but today inmate mefford is finally ready to take the risk. >> hi, everybody.

okay. we're going to give you three minutes to talk about yourself. >> my name is jack. i've been in prison for going on my 22nd year. >> hi. my name is shawn. i'm 50 years old. i've been in prison almost 30 years. i may end doing the rest of my life in prison. >> solano prison offers many rehabilitative programs, but this therapy group is unique. >> i don't usually talk that much, but i like listening to you. >> not only does it help inmates come to terms with why they committed their crimes, it also asks them to consider the impact it had on their victims. >> i came to this group to find answers and to possibly make restitution to my victim.

>> i was a menace to society. the judge told me that, you know, i'd become such a monster that i had to be put away, and i go, am i, you know, and if i am, why? >> but before any of these men can understand the pain they have caused their victims, they have to understand themselves. >> they didn't tell us they lived with me. >> earlier inmate eddie harrow told the group about his idyllic upbringing and the drug-fueled years that followed. but it was his sow of the night he witnessed the execution-style murder of his two friends that left the group in shock. now it's mefford's turn to talk about his childhood.

>> i believe parents do the best they can. it's really about understanding their story, who created them, what events in their lives led them to the moment of the crime. >> i was abandoned by my mom a couple times, right. when she left me for three days by myself, that was kind of a trip. first day it was like, well, i figured she was going to come back any time and, you know, so i just kept on doing what i was doing and living my life as a 12-year-old kid. i remembered, you know, i was going about my day, getting about my day, going here, going there.

coming home every once in a while to see if she was there, and she wasn't. and the second day i was scared that she just left me. the third day i woke up, and she wasn't there, and i'm going, wow, this kind of sucks. because i'm like 12 years old. how am i going to pay the rent because i've got to have a place to live, you know. >> you were concerned and worried and frightened about some pretty powerful things. where was your father? >> i don't know. i've never met him. >> so do you feel abandoned? >> i was worried about her, whether something happened to her. >> there's lots of people out there that have bad childhoods. it doesn't excuse them from what they did. they are 100% accountable for

that. they can't change it if you only leave them with the guilt. >> a lot of things that happened to me that i wouldn't let happen to my own child. it's like everyone that i stepped up to and got close to ended up hurting me. >> trusting people is still difficult for mefford, but he has good reason to fear letting his guard down. >> i'm keeping some things to myself, all right? because one thing about it. if you tell somebody something that's intimate to you, that's ammunition for them, and it leaves you vulnerable. >> coming up, a brutal assault has mefford watching his back. >> unless you're locked in your cell and by yourself, you're never in a safe place. >> and later, mefford's confession leaves the group with more questions.

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shawn mefford has spent most of his life in prison. even today he is haunted by the details of a crime he committed almost 30 years ago. >> one of the things that the victim and i both know. i could have harmed him a lot more than what i did. there's a chance they couldn't be here today.

>> owning up to what you have done is hard in a place where the nature of your crime can get you killed. everyone in here is hiding something, but it's mefford's job to get inmates to confront one of the deadliest secrets of all. >> i'm going to teach a class of pre-release this morning on hiv hepatitis and sexually transmitted diseases. >> mefford is one of only a handful of convicts in solano trained to teach other inmates about infectious diseases. >> and this is about you guys learning how to be safe out there. get tested, get treated, get smart on it. on hiv. >> the inmates in today's class have signed up to learn more about hepatitis "c" and hiv before their release dates. >> i always come in here for pre-release, hepatitis.

>> it's mefford's job to give them the tools they need to remain uninfected by the diseases. for mefford, these lessons came too late. >> i shot dope for 20 years out there on the streets, you know. >> i'm a hep "c" positive individual. if i find something that's going to help me, then i'm going to let everybody i know about it. >> many inmates are unaware that these diseases can be transmitted from something as simple as sharing a razor blade. >> so you have to be aware of who cleans it up, how they clean it up, because you can transmit it to them just by not even trying. >> the threat of hepatitis "c" and hiv extends not only to the inmates but to everyone who comes in contact with them. >> we have plenty of gloves up here. there's gloves right there.

>> gloves is the biggest thing, you know. everybody carries gloves on them, and any time you've got to put your hands on an inmate, you're going to have some medical gloves on. >> these officers are trained to be prepared to handle any situation. it's not only accidental contact with infected blood that poses a threat. at any moment the peaceful prison yard can turn into a killing field. >> ever heard of the calm before the storm? that's what it is. if it gets quiet out there, start looking around. >> suddenly a fight erupts on the yard. two inmates in the same gang have gone down in a bloody exchange right in front of mefford's building. one of the inmates is slashed from the nape of his neck all

the way down his back. the other nearly severs his fingers on the blade used in the attack. both men receive immediate medical treatment. but the other inmates on the yard must stay on the ground. out here everyone is a suspect, and officers won't rest until they round up all of the inmates involved. coming up, as officers inspect the yard for clues in the stabbing, mefford's counselors do some investigating of their own. >> i think there's some safeguarding going on. i think that there are some half stories. >> and later, mefford must decide if he can trust the group with this secret. >> i did a lot of soul searching this week and decided, you know what? this might be the time. but by night, beautiful, smoother and ready to impress the other party animals. dr. scholl's dreamwalk express pedi

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if you have high blood pressure many cold medicines may raise your blood pressure. that's why there's coricidin® hbp. it relieves cold symptoms without raising blood pressure. so look for powerful cold medicine with a heart. coricidin® hbp. a stabbing between two inmates has brought the yard to a dead stop. everyone must remain on the ground until officers determine

the situation is under control. inmates suspected of being part of the gang are strip-searched. weapons like small blades can be hidden in any part of their bodies. back at the crime scene, prison officials try to piece together how the stabbing went down while officers work to clean up what's left behind. >> we'll take some dry chemicals that are used to absorb the blood. we've got to take every precaution we can now to make sure that there's nothing -- nothing that can hurt us or anything that we can bring back to our families and keep -- of course, keep the inmates safe, too. >> according to the prison, the two inmates involved are part of the same gang, and the stabbing was a result of rivalry among the members. even for inmates who aren't members of a gang, it's easy to

get caught in the crossfire, and mefford is no exception. >> let's say a riot happened on that yard. whatever race you are, you're expected to be in the middle of it. so you can't do what you want to do. >> in prison, you never know who you can trust. so it's not safe to let your guard down. this attack is exactly the kind of brutal justice mefford avoids by not talking about his crime. >> like i told marcia and diane when i started this, if there's something really uncomfortable that i don't want to address, i'm not going to. >> mefford has to decide how much he wants to reveal and whether or not it's worth the

risk in a place like solano. >> as far as anything happening to me in prison, so be it. i'm doing two life sentences, right? i may never see the streets, and, you know, to be down with this and be a positive. >> mefford has been in therapy for ten weeks. on meeting days he sometimes makes a quick stop before heading to group. >> seems like i'm busy 24 hours a day, but still a boring life. >> we are truly free, lord god, because you love us, father god, and we accept the love. >> it's not just gangs that have their place on the yard. the christian inmates have claimed this area as their own. ♪ it's me, oh, lord >> every day we come and do our

prayer and fellowship a little bit, and everybody knows that this is our pole. this is the christian pole. this is our circle and our area. ♪ standing in the knee of grace ♪ >> praise the lord. >> mefford leans on his faith to get him through today's therapy session. this will be the first time he tells the group about his crime. >> they have to make a crime impact statement, and basically what that means is tell us what you did. you're going to start right off getting used to holding yourself accountable, acknowledging what you did, letting everybody else know what you did. who brought their homework? shawn? >> i -- i took the events that led up to the crime, right, and

past the crime. i was living with a woman. her and i got in an argument, and i ended up leaving, right? so i decided i was going to go to the bar and have a drink. i went to the bar. picked up a female. went over to some friends' house, partied there for a while. and i was on my way home. walked by this house. i thought it was empty. and i thought, well, you know what? i might as well burglarize it to see what i could get out of it.

as i was going down the hall, i was confronted by a person. at that point he said something, and i hit him. i told him to shut up or i'd kill him, and then he just shut up. took the sheet off the bed and tied him up. then he realized i meant it. burglarized the house, put what i wanted in their car and drove off. monday morning i got arrested for false imprisonment, assault, burglary, auto theft, right? and i'm waiting going to court, and so i had some friends of

mine call the victim, right, and threaten their life if they ever came to court and testified against me, and they even went so far as to took -- they put a dead rat in a box and sent it to them in the mail. you know, the victim in this case obviously never knew me. i never knew them. they never did anything to me. i'm done. >> the counselors believe mefford's emotional reaction is sincere but feel that he is holding something back. he never uses his victim's name.

>> saying my victim is a detachment, you know, so if we can remember their names and bring them forward, it's a real important step in acknowledging and honoring them in a way that we haven't. and does your victim have a name? >> yes, they do. i know the name. i know it well. just i don't -- >> mefford struggles to reveal the name of the man he attacked. it makes the counselors wonder if there are other things he is holding back. >> shawn doesn't know us. he hasn't been in any of the programs with us, so it's like, okay. i'm going to hold some control back. i'm going to have some control over this, you know. they are not going to make me say things i don't want to say. >> coming up, mefford is pressed to tell his secret. >> and he's going to give us what he needs to give us when it's time. >> and later --

>> and i need to know -- i need to know, you know, you trust me. >> mefford's story takes a shocking twist. take zzzquil and sleep like... the kids went to nana's house... for the whole weekend. zzzquil. the non-habit forming sleep aid that helps you sleep easily, and wake refreshed. because sleep is a beautiful thing. ♪ how else do you think he gets around so fast? take the reins this holiday and get the mercedes-benz you've always wanted during the winter event. hurry, offers end soon.

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>> i'm richard louie with the hour's top stories. new details with the shooter who killed three and injured nine yesterday at a planned parenthood in colorado springs. officials telling nbc news robert dear ranted about president obama, politics, and abortion, as the police took him into custody after a fire-hour stand-off. the motive remains unclear. and several deaths in the midwest are blamed on icy conditions there. four people have died in kansas. the death toll in texas stands at eight. now back to our msnbc special.

in inmate shawn mefford's last therapy session, counsellors pressed him to talk about the man that he attacked. >> and does your victim have a name? >> but questions about mefford's honesty have surfaced. >> when we first interviewed him, he told us there were some things he might not tell us, and what that tells me is that there's great shame there. the things that are the hardest to talk about are the things we hold the greatest shame for. >> to find out what mefford is avoiding, the counsellors want him to dig deeper into his conscience. for his next assignment, they have asked him to consider how the burglary affected the man he

attacked. >> one of the major things that we're trying to get to is empathy, and to really understand that, every action that we do that's negative has long-term consequences for ourselves and for other people, and one of the best ways to really acknowledge that and get that in the heart and soul is to think about everyday things that somebody lost because of their behavior. >> i would like to find out if -- if my actions prevented him from having full life. i tied a person up and terrorized him, left him on their floor tied up, you know. they didn't know if they were going to be killed. they didn't know if they were going to be seriously hurt. there's a lot of things.

>> do you like you? >> in this therapy session the counselors hope mefford will finally reveal more about the man he terrorized. >> your victim reminders. >> my victim reminders are still constant reminders, right? so every time he gets in a car reminds him of being robbed because i stole the car, too. every time he puts on the jewelry that i stole, it reminds him of being robbed. every night when he goes to bed it reminds him of being woken up and robbed. >> all right. well, you can move on into the

next part, if you like. >> okay. >> mefford's hesitation in talking about the man he terrorized and the visible cross-outs on his homework have again sparked the counsellor's curiosity. >> so out of -- on the crimes that you've committed, because it sounds like you have a whole slew of them, what about this one make you pick it, the one that you wanted to focus on in this group? >> because this is the very first one to where i actually brought -- encountered somebody and robbed him, physically overpowered him, tied him up and robbed him. >> well, it seems like for some reason this one really sticks with you. >> it did. >> and i'm just trying to figure

out what was about this one that stuck with you so much more. >> i don't know. maybe -- maybe because -- i don't know, just this one gets me more than the rest of them. that's one that haunts my soul, you know. if i rob your house and you're not there, i can disassociate. if you did something to me and i retaliated, i can put -- i can justify it, right? but that one, you know, i can't -- there's no way i can justify that one.

>> group facilitator mike brewer has long suspected that mefford isn't telling the whole story about his crime, but now between his crossed-out homework and hesitations in group, the counselors believe mefford may be hiding something. mike brewer wants to know the truth. >> it's important to me and it's important to the group, too. we're talking about the victims, and the victim has that right coming and that's why i'm here for. how you doing, shawn? >> what's up. >> i just came by to see how you were doing, how things are. >> doing pretty good. >> yeah. we're getting to the real meat part of the program so and i need to know -- i need to know you trust me. do you trust me, i mean real trust me, and you trust the other guys in the group because that's an important thing, right. been doing this quite a while, and you chose this crime that you're talking about, yeah. is there something that you're leaving out of it?

>> there's something i always leave out. >> yeah. that's why i keep telling you -- we all know, okay? >> yeah. >> we all know what it is that you're leaving out, put it that way. i'm not here to like you or dislike you. i need you to be honest with the other guys in the group because they have been honest with you. are you going to do that? i respect you, no matter what you do, put it that way. >> coming up, the counselors finally hear what mefford has been hiding all these years. >> it was difficult for him to speak. >> and later, mefford puts it all on the line and reveals his secret to the group. >> quite the revelation. i was glad he felt comfortable enough with us and told us the truth. od pressure. that's why there's coricidin® hbp. it relieves cold symptoms

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after 19 weeks of therapy sessions, the counselors have come to the prison to check on the members of the group, but it's mefford who wants to have a private talk with them. >> mike came and talked to me first, and, you know what? my past is my past, and it's not something that's like closed up. >> yeah. is there something that you're leaving out of it? >> for about a month before, that i've been looking for opportunity to sit down and talk with mike and diane and marcia about it because i felt that if they were going to take their time and their effort to come in here to help us, then we should step up.

>> mefford asks our crew to wait outside during the conversation but gives us permission to watch. the counselors remind him that he can trust them with his secret. eventually he breaks down and tells them what he's been hiding. >> it was obviously really painful for him to do that. it was difficult for him to speak, and, you know, my response to that was thanking him for going that far with me. i just don't think that he's found the place where he can share it with the group. you know, i think he has some valid reasons around that. we'll continue to encourage, and he needs to do only as much as he can do and feel safe. >> some crimes are too dangerous to admit in prison. mike brewer believes the group

is a safe place to open up. >> i'm hoping he shows up to group tomorrow and maybe he'll have different thoughts on what he's going to say and do. >> going to eat dinner at the illustrious cdc dining hall. and i just heard his fish. >> it's chow time at california state prison solano. our cameras are not a welcome addition in the cafeteria, so inmate mefford sits alone. only the counselors know what really happened the night of the crime. he has to make a choice. keep lying or tell the group and risk the consequences. the decision is overwhelming, but he hopes the truth will set him free.

>> i've been thinking about it, because you know what? it might happen. i think if they open doors tomorrow, i don't think i'd ever see these places again. i've always said that you know what? i may have got a life sentence but it's a blessing, yeah. would i like to be out there? yeah. do i think i'm ever going to get out? i do. it may not be tomorrow but, you know, i think i'll get out hopefully before i'm 90. >> it's been a week since the counselors' visit, and after giving it serious thought mefford has come to a decision. >> i did a lot of soul searching

this week and decided that, you know what? this might be the time, especially on this one, because it's a big leap for me. i'm going to make a revelation today that -- that -- something that i've not shared with anybody other than diane and marcia and mike. >> it's been nearly 30 years since mefford committed his crime, but the burden of hiding the truth about what really happened that night is about to be lifted. >> we're left with eddie, jack and shawn, and you said you want to go first, shawn? >> i didn't write it down. >> just as he's about to come clean and share what he has been hiding, mefford surprises everyone.

>> yeah. i'd like the cameras off on this one. >> okay. >> what happens in my life happened in my life, but do i want to share it with everybody in this room? do i want to share it with 3 million people watching this show? i may not, and i chose not to. >> coming up, in a private interview, mefford changes his mind and comes clean about his crime. >> you know, i have stopped and realized, you know, what a wreck i created in my life and, you know, it's time to step up and take responsibility. [phone ringing} when you've got a house full of guests on the way. and a cold with sinus pressure. you need fast relief. alka-seltzer plus severe sinus congestion

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shawn mefford is just about to tell the group what really happened the night he robbed and attacked man and then asks our cameras to shut down while he finally reveals the full truth. >> i'd like the cameras off now. yeah. >> but now, in a private interview, he's agreed to talk about the crime. >> it's haunted my soul for a lot of years. when i started this group, the particulars of the crime was my own business. for me, there's a lot of issues, as far as the how it's brought up. my own thinking.

and did i really want to share that you know what, it was a woman i robbed. i grew up in my own mind, that you know, to respect women. to treat them like a lady. and i am totally against violence against women. >> there were certain kind of crimes in this environment that are much more difficult for an offender to acknowledge. because of ramifications.

crimes against children. crimes against women. i think that this takes a lot of time and a lot of -- acceptance of one's self. and if you've been keeping a secret for 20 years, it's hard just to say it. >> the last person i told this to, i ended up with two missing front teeth and a broke nose. because he thought that he could treat me any way he wanted to. >> mefford served six years for the robbery and assault of his victim. he did his time. and was released in 1986. six years later, i committed another felony and was sentenced under the california three strikes law to 54 years to life. >> when i got arrested on this case i realized just what a lonely life i led. i never let people close to me.

i never formed relationships. i never formed friendships. you know, i learned a long time ago, you can find a lot of ways to escape. that guy's dead, that guy's dead. >> it's been a week since mefford told the group about the crime. we have to acknowledge his female victim and every person his crime has touched. >> this is your opportunity in this forum to speak to your victim or your victim's family.

>> i am responsible for taking the life of your son. >> when we read the letters. those are going to stand as they are. there won't be any feedback. >> i'm eddie. one of the people responsible for taking the life of your grandfather. >> there will be no questions. it just is. >> deer skip's mother. i am the person that killed your son. >> this is a forum for honoring those we have victimized. >> it's 25 years ago. i broke in your house. >> a lot of people don't want to face that it's their actions that brought them to prison. they want to blame somebody else. but there are some of us that stop and look at it and go well you know what, i did that.

and take accountability for it. >> when we first interviewed him. he told us there were some things he might not tell us. so he was able to go forward and use the she pronoun. it was a huge relief for him. now he's really doing the truth. >> marsha asked me one time, how do i know if you got out tomorrow that you would never commit crimes like this again? sit not a pattern or something i've engaged in in in my life. one bad act. i can't take back. >> you're probably wondering why me. it was never your fault. you had nothing to do with it. other than be a victim in my path. and making a wreck of your life.

i know there's no amount of sorry that i can say that would make up for that act, make up for what i did to you. one night changed both of our lives forever. the only thing that i hope and pray for, that you have found peace in your life, i can't take back you being my victim. but some small way, i hope that my actions now can save someone else from being a victim. >> i have stopped and realized it's time to step up. and take responsibility.

>> i wouldn't have caught this life sentence. i would still be the person i used to be. i would still be the drug dealer, i would still be the person knocking at your door, taking your stuff from you, if you didn't pay me. still drinking and still doing drugs, still using people. still being that person. if i had to set an example, i realized to feed the monster, the monster gross. if you feed the spiritual side, the spiritual side grows. whichever one you feed the most, that's the one that gross the best. the lying part of it is one thing that i'm not comfortable with. so i mean -- that part of it, the guilt and shame, you know, i may deal with that for the rest of my life. but you know -- that's something i deal with.

over three decades ago, a lifetime of mistrust led to a desperate crime. >> she looked at me the way my wife did. she was like all the others. >> and the drug-fueled joyride ended in the death of an innocent teenager. >> i didn't stop. i killed an innocent girl that didn't have it coming.