amaze. us he reveals the stories of four american veterans who went through the brutality of war caught up in a conflict between their. parts of the law especially reporters up next. there was one particular incident that still disturbs me today i wish i could take that day back i give anything we went into an area near the baghdad stadium this came into our area and actually stopped about seventy five meters or front of my vehicle that tells you how far the vehicle came into our perimeter. and. which is we lit it up. we had three of the. victims in the right key that there were expiring rapidly we pulled them out of the

car and we started doing it for a state i called a corpsman the corpsman came and got the three bodies and took them back to the patel you and surgeon corpsman came back dump the bodies on the side of the road and went over to the corpsman asked of us what we're doing how can you bring him back you need to get him out you need to get him back to an area where they can see a surgeon the corpsman there's nothing we can do for him so we're going to leave you know you can leave the bodies on the side of the road and i said yeah well you want to do stuff. so i want to have compatible up

so they don't i'm on the side of the road and. know the guys brother you come running over to him and he just said they're holding them while they roll around on the on the asphalt on a highway. and rolling around in pain they didn't even give many morphine. the guy's brother a chav he kept running around and he had his hands in his in those in his face. and he was crying and sobbing and he's saying why did you kill my brother. we didn't do anything to you we're not terrorists. now remember i remember i just want to i want to close my years i didn't want to hear just sat there and he's time that he said it. it was like it was

permanently being. burned into my brain. and. i lost that's the last five or gotten a good night's sleep. the night before that. i mean. i thought we were there and then on the. next morning lieutenant he walked up to me and he said sas. are you all right you seem a little distressed

a little agitated. and i was not all right and. so i'm pretty pissed off what we're what we're doing over here. and he said it will give me your interpretation of what we're doing over here. and. for what we're trying to accomplish over here. and i just looked at him and i said it well said honestly feel that we're committing genocide. and he didn't like my answer and he stormed off towards the. ceo's vehicle. and i knew at that point that my career was done i crossed the line and i knew i had to watch my back and grow eyes. so after that night i pretty much slept with my nine millimeter underneath a poncho liner within easy reach. bay

in the dark the dark days. when i first came back from vietnam in one thousand six to six i saw protesters out speak in. i don't want to hear it i did believe it to get away from it i put in a ten forty nine to go back to vietnam because i was what the tar and we'll wired up and i don't think it would have taken a much for me to take one of the protesters out have failed had i stayed here i would have ended up killing some people and i could do it legally in vietnam so i put in a ten forty nine to go back and i think i was looking at justification of doing

what i was doing of killing it was all a do on my second tour when i began to realize that something was wrong when i came back to the states i want to washington d.c. to the white house or i talk this nominee to next and just say that i would not go back to vietnam. when i arrived back stateside i was ordered to report into the middle health clinic in twentynine palms the. psychologist looked at me and she said. waddle deal with conscientious objectors. and. just about lost. for then to label me as a conscientious objector that's the ultimate slap in the face you're called be a conscience objector i just killed thirty plus individuals for you and you're

calling me a conscience objector. stood up and. ma'am if you want to label me as a conscientious objector for not wanting to kill innocent civilians that i'll see you court. i went down and hired an attorney. a man by the name of mr gary myers. and. mr mars was represented during the may lie trials. and. mr myers and the marine corps came to a. very discreet mutual understanding i was on or billy discharged december thirty first two thousand and three and here i am i.

came back i think that that sense of a long term planning was gone. i went through a divorce some things i did recklessly probably in the back of my mind i would not have minded dying. but. i went through a period when. t.c.p. carrying on a. and about it and that inane. long period of severe drug abuse. i finally got to the point where i had no more money. i had no car. i had long since moved out of my house and could not go back home exactly where to go here.

and it was when the national guard needed someone in my. experience and teaching people how to fly the armed helicopters the cobras and i was asked to come in and help train some of those folks and the money was. you know fifteen twenty thousand dollars a year for part time work and it carried a retirement with even though i had and a change of heart about wars i needed the money you first come home and you meet lee forget about everything and you go to mcdonald's you go to all your favorite restaurants and you do all your favorite things and you're having a great time and you know and then all of a sudden you wake up one day and you're like wait a minute i'm not having a good time anymore. i'm starting to think about this i'm starting to think about

that because all the newness has worn off your whole i'm alive i've got my arm i've got my legs i'm alive. but then the mind the mind starts catching up. with everything else. if i myself going through my gear prepping like getting ready to go to combat. i mean i even look for suicide bombers. you know anything out of the anything out of the ordinary. once you reach that level of of your senses being that heightened it's hard to turn it off it's like being in a cage tiger. soon after. i got back in december of forty floors there is

nobody you can talk to you know there was nobody who had been in combat around. that can remember still seeing that chrome red glow on the tip of a christ and my god i was home. one day you're telling somebody they're trying to kill you and the next day you're sitting in a bar in new york city it's it's crazy. i took so normal nobody knows it your hand at work nobody you know if you got a you got a headache or you got a hole in your head you can't see when i wrote home that i was wounded i had been in france for a middle of august to i was it dad said to the newspaper reporter who interviewed

him he was only there for a few days that was to me the only was a at that time not now was a real rejection of who i was as a man he didn't last he didn't make it he got hit. and i think i didn't even understand it then but that started a decline in our relationship which spiraled downward downward downward. if we don't talk about it or do you sit on it. and say i was lucky why didn't kill why didn't i both somebody you know guys do that or why did no prometheus why didn't i do this. i once tried i got on

a stool and. i remember i was living in the wide new york city totally alone i don't just to put my bathroom sascha rock hung it sort of share. and why i got down was because. my friends. i had made after the war who had been through the same thing i had and i felt if i did that to myself i would betray. the bond we had. coochie vietnam fed were for taint nineteen six to sixty five eighty they

call it held high afaik or because of the american blood. that had been spilled there tano to all in viet cong snipers have done most of the damage today was no exception. on the. twenty seventh and for true the framed wolfhounds moved out to attack the snipers opened up from such perfectly camouflaged positions the most of the a copy i want the whole day what i see in one of the enemy a sergeant was hit in the shoulder and leg as he rolled over a third shot ripped through it by. a medic broke from cough and rushed to his head as he dropped to his knees to begin given a bullet smashed into the stomach. both the sergeant and the medic.

and artillery watch was laid down to screen a squad gone after the wall and especially his fourth wonted in the hip crossed the deadly fifty yards with all the fallen to us he was hit again and this was an old you were there yes it's hard to bring back to minimum. i don't. know christmas certainly we're building up to go into iraq i thought think obama grandson. they were of age where. if they had to draft they would be drafted so i start thinking of what i could do to protect them to

keep them from a boy and. join the military but it's the same reason that the young people join now because it is the poor people out of people on the lower end of the economic scale all that want to fight these wars. even though the robber magnum ira came out years later and say that vietnam was a mistake it did not take the brain from me. nor did it take the guilt that i carried for killing people when i went to vietnam i was a car courts rule and i believed what i was going there was the right thing and i was a good soldier but now i'm a soldier on the other side and i think i'm just as good.

i sold my soul a long time ago i'm just here trying to recover. and i have. been a hero for all and i do for. people as we want you are free to go to prison i mean so you're saying you're a war criminal brother i'm already in prison this is veterans for peace chapter zero nine nine western north carolina hoping that this moment registers in everyone's mind that this is one of the total cost of war.

sick food festooned who is a great war political a one world of mine war was a scene who stopped our clocks though we met him grim and gay and i know people who got the clock stopped so badly they never got beyond it drugs booze women suicide whatever you want to call it and that happened to me and i think my clock was stopped for close to forty years before i got over the. i was ashamed i was ashamed that i had been wounded i was ashamed that i hadn't been a hero. i never understood that my problems with my parents my problems with my wife my ex-wife were buried in the fact that i had gotten blown up i never i never understood it repressed it totally and then i began to go to

a coffee shop and i would hear the big bands of night two hundred forty five and i would weep like a baby in public i had no idea that what i was doing i could reply to was going back and try to find that the little boy of my teeth and what happened. the fall of eighty four i was driven to go back to fly to look some birds to spend the night there to rent a car and file and find the place where i was wounded on september seventh one thousand and forty four. and then suddenly. i found the bridge that we crossed it had been blown when i'd been shot. i discovered to the hour at the moment where i had been wounded forty years before and i cannot explain it but that discovery began my healing.

my generation really repressed with the war was about we didn't want to talk about it we weren't allowed to talk about it and then slowly in the one nine hundred eighty s. and one nine hundred ninety s. this whole thing of the greatest generation occurred it was wonderful you know the greatest generation what a nice thing to call us and we forgot what we had done we forgot that we had been animals for a while. war is about one thing it's about killing you either learn to kill somebody else or you get killed or wounded yourself and that's why i've become to solo the idea of war. that's all the purple. vietnam assault on us cost don't let me think of it every day.

to memorise still go to counseling for. and. it's it's now worth it but what i did do was managed to find some good in that war . vietnam a me a better person and made people more. made me understand that we are all one one people. there's a certain amount of guilt i think you learn to live with you compartmentalize it or unite you rationalize you see and i call that excuses i mean i really don't have to make excuses even. so there are things i wish i had not done. but there's no way to change. the.

last. and. when you come to the point that you're not sure you're actually much that the war is not the way to sad. and disagreement. and kind of like the poster you can have your own war and i. loathe luxury. i.

so. i'm not. saying.

this in the. least but one of. the most. wealthy british science. is not on. the. markets why not.

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